01x01 - A Sext Ruined My Life!

[bunniefuu]

Back in five, four...

[Rock music flourish]

Welcome back. Today, we are doing a very special show.

All right, Becky, tell everybody exactly what happened.

Um... I took a photo and I sent it to my boyfriend.

A sext.

A sext.

And, um, I had... I had a bra on.

So you were covered up here? It's like a...

Yeah.

.. bathing suit. Okay, okay, good, good.

I was totally covered up here.

And that was really good.

Okay.

But, um... I-I didn't have any... I didn't have any underwear on.

Draw her out, Donny. Every detail.

Nothing?

Nothing, and I was kind of...

That... that probably wasn't so good.

No!

And for some reason, my... my face was kind of...

What... what was wrong with... you have a beautiful face.

Well, no, but, Donny, it wasn't beautiful at all.

No? Okay. I'm sure... I'm sure...

I'm sure it was okay. We have more tissues here. It's okay. Okay.

It wasn't good. Thanks.

My boyfriend Patrick, um, we... we broke up and then he sent that photo to all of his friends.

[crowd groans]

And then it went viral.

And now I'm...

It's okay.

I'm this meme called... "Psycho Sexter"

[crowd groans]

It's okay.

Okay, Donny, bring it around.

Becky, I need you to trust me.

I do.

And sometimes we have to go a little further down to get back up here.

So I'm gonna have to put that... the mims up that...

It's a meme, you dumb-ass.

Memes up there. The memes is...

I-I don't... I don't think...

She's helping a little girl out there who's about to do the same thing.

Of course, there's some girl out there who's about to do the same stupid thing and you're gonna help her not to do it.

Tommy, just put really quick...

Please stop.

Like, "Boom, boom, out." Let's put it up there, okay?

Oh, my God.

No, it's okay. It's okay.

Put the other one on.

You can see it's a bit salacious, but we've covered up the X-rated parts.

Big monitor too, Tommy.

I wanna make sure that everyone sees it.

Oh my God. Why does it have to be on that one too?

Just... that's technical TV stuff.

Don't worry about... we're helping somebody out there.

Another five seconds, tops.

I don't underst...

One Mississippi...

My job does not define me.

Two Mississippi...

My job does not define me.

It's coming down.

All right, get it off. Yeah, don't look at it.

Close your eyes. Okay, it's down.

Look, it's "Donny!" Okay, all right.

That's the hard part. Now we do the work.

I want you... that's your camera over there.

Okay.

Gonna talk directly to your boyfriend and you're gonna say, "Peter"...

Patrick.

"Patrick..."

Patrick...

"You are a coward."

Patrick...

Up, up, come on.

It's your time, it's not his.

Up. "Patrick..."

Patrick...

"You're a little boy."

You are a little boy.

"And I am gonna find a man."

I'm gonna [bleep] k*ll you!

No, no, no, stop, stop!

Toss to break. We got a super nut.

Let's break. Break, guys.

We're gonna take a little break.

[Applause]

Great show, everybody!

No sexting!

Holy crazy town. Glad that's over.

I feel so stupid, you know?

Don't feel stupid.

What's Donny doing over there?

Do you have a phone?

I want to text you my number.

Don't give her your number.

This is my personal cell.

[Gasps] Oh!

You feel free to call me anytime.

Thank you.

And you are not stupid.

Congratulations. He's yours now.

I'm gonna k*ll him.

Single stupidest guest of all time.

I mean, like, who sends out a picture, like, with their face like that? Like...

[Grunting]

I don't think it was her face that was the problem so much as her exposed vagine.

She was, like, definitely a little into me though.

Yeah, no, I saw you give her your number, idiot.

You know, I want to help people.

She was sweet.

She was not. She was crazy.

Listen, if Borderline Becky calls or psycho sexts you, I need you to do nothing, okay?

No, I'll just talk to her if she calls.

No, no, do nothing.

You worry too much. You're so paranoid.

You know, when you first came in here, you were like all go-go girl, little associate producer, all happy.

Now you're a big executive producer and you're all up...

Look, even in your face, you're all uptight and serious.

Relax.

Our ratings are dipping, okay?

Dr. Phil is digging our grave, and Ellen is dancing on top of it.

We need the freshest ideas, stuff nobody's done.

Think.

Bing. Got it.

I am telling you. Lesbians.

You know, it can't always be about lesbians, and you are obsessed with lesbians.

Okay... cancer.

Cancer's always good.

Um, no.

No, no, we do... Listen to me.

Cancer rates, Robin Roberts.

Got that cancer, her cancer doubled the numbers overnight.

I mean, thank God she's okay, but, you know, wow.

I think cancer's only good for ratings though if you're the one who's got it.

Yeah.

And you don't have it.

It's not like I want to get cancer.

You don't want to get cancer for ratings.

Got it. I had cancer.

You had cancer?

I had cancer.

You didn't have cancer.

Do you remember last April?

I had... it was a mole, and I went to the dermatologist.

Uh-huh?

And she said,

"Had you let this go another year, it could have been precancerous."

It could have been precancerous.

You might have maybe had...

Future cancer.

Future cancer.

So it's still cancer.

I don't think so.

Don't [Bleep] take my cancer away.

You're the worst.

You think I can't do that?

I don't think we should do that.

I think that that would end your career.

You're right. No cancer.

I got it. Hot women with varicose veins.

[Big band music]

♪ Sparks just fly ♪

[School bell rings]

♪ Right out of the blue ♪

Coco loco.

How's my best girl?

What's going on?

We... are in a mood. What's the matter, baby?

It's nothing.

Jagger! It's my main man. How was school today?

I got several "A"s on several tests.

Several "A"s on several tests.

All right, Mel, let's take these guys home.

[Hip-hop music]

Is Galina gone yet?

Can we maybe just have a little fun, joyful, family...

Is Galina gone yet?

Yes, Galina is gone.

She's on a sh**t in Morocco or something.

Dad, are you and Galina going to get married?

Uh, no. We are not gonna get married, um, but I like her, we date, and she's a good friend.

Speaking of which, you want to invite any of your buddies over tonight?

No.

You sure?

I mean, I want to see you with your friends.

You're always alone...

Dad!

Just leave him alone.

Okay. I'm just trying to help.

I'm just trying to help him. Are you sure, bud?

Great. Daddy's not gonna talk to anybody.

[Sighs]

[Phone rings]

'Sup, D?

How my Deutschettes today?

Mm, I like Donny's Angels better.

We'll be there in a couple minutes.

Jagger wants some milk. Get me an iced coffee.

And what do you want, sweetheart?

Two iced coffees.

And a decaf iced coffee for the ice princess today.

Yep, Violet loves making iced coffees.

Hey, and while she does that, I'll just babysit your creepy Russian girlfriend.

What is Galina doing there?

She's been hovering downstairs for about half an hour and refuses to sit down.

She's a catch, Donny. I'm really happy for you.

Hey, hey, he's your boss, not your buddy.

I thought we were his only buddies.

W-what's going on there?

Nothing. Delivery guy.

So Pam emailed and said that if Borderline Becky calls, to hand the phone to one of us so we can play Wrong Number.

Did you seriously give your number to the Psycho Sexter?

All right, relax.

It's not that big of a deal, okay?

I got it. All right, we'll be home in a second.

Drive safely, Donny.

Oh, honey.

Donny doesn't drive. He has a driver.

Tell the driver to drive safely, Donny.

You are doing a really good job.

So I'd just like to preface this by saying I'm super excited to be here, but tell me again, why does he need three assistants?

Well, you want us to fire you?

Can you do that?

Mm-hmm.

So I am finance coordination and TV appearances.

Zoe here handles his social life, and now, social media.

Oh, yeah, I signed him up for Snapchat.

He knows how to Snapchat?

No, we do it for him.

And you, my dear Violet, you get to fetch things.

And you get to make the iced coffees from now on, which, mm-mm.

Oh, right, I will go fetch the iced coffee.

Da?

No, I'm not being difficult!

If they want me to pose with an elephant, they need another girl.

[Speaking Russian]

sh**t me in the face.

You love her.

So are these all the upholstery samples for the sofa?

Yes. I say we go with this one.

Wait. Which sofa are we re-upholstering?

These right here.

But they look brand-new.

He bores easily.

All right, guys, remember, homework before anything else.

Milk and iced coffees are upstairs.

Galina, baby. What are you doing here?

Ah!

Donny!

You look gorgeous.

Come here, come here, come here.

[Both smooching]

How do you say "shut up" in Russian?

Zah-mohl-chee.

Man.

I thought you would be in Morocco on that sh**t.

No, I was hoping to give you steamy good-bye.

Let's do it, baby.

No.

No?

You took too long to get home.

But I want you send me yummy picture later for inspiration, okay?

I want to see your muscles, all of them.

These puppies right here?

Big daddy Donny sexy picture.

Are we supposed to pretend like we can't hear?

We hear everything.

Maybe a little phone sex later where I'm Putin and you're the figure skater...

Mm-hmm.

And you did not get the medal.

Because my skirt was too short?

So this is, like, normal conversation for them?

No, no, this is pretty tame.

They haven't even gotten into character yet.

Mr. Putin, I have disgraced my country.

Mr. Putin is very mad.

Ah, now they are.

Putin very angry, and when Putin gets very an...

[Whispers] Putin very... Putin very angry.

All right, baby, you know what? I think it's time to go.

Come... don't. Ignore them.

I miss you.

I miss you already.

Remember, big daddy Donny sexy picture.

[Growls]

Putin wait for you.

I just vomited on your couch.

She's sweet.

She seems super smart.

[Phone rings]

She's very smart.

Your phone is ringing.

Oh, oh.

All right, I don't know this number.

Do not answer it. Stop. It's probably Psycho Sexter.

Just hit "ignore," Donny. Hit "ignore."

No, what are you doing?

Hello? Hello?

Donny, you put it on speaker.

Mr. Deutsch?

Donny can't come to the phone now or ever!

What just happened?

Okay.

Little too much, no?

Do you not remember your last stalker?

Psycho Sexter? No!

All right, all right. I got it, I got it, Do you understand?

I got it, I got it.

[Phone chimes]

Oh, great. Now she's texting.

"Mr. Deutsch, it's urgent I speak with you."

Maybe she really needs my help.

I should call her.

All: No!

Isabel, can we get one of my favorites?

Thanks so much. You're the best.

All right, Donny. One, you are booked Friday for "Morning Joe" to plug the political mistresses segment.

Two, Galina. Aw, yeah.

She spent $20,000 last month at Bergdorf.

Can we please get rid of her?

All right. Stop busting my chops about Galina.

She lets me do my thing, I let her do her thing.

What we have works, okay?

Want to know something else that works?

A great barbecue.

And at a Donny Deutsch barbecue, there's only one barbecue sauce.

Hak's Chipotle Bourbon Barbecue Sauce.

Fine ingredients give it a sweet spicy smokiness with a bourbon smack.

Hak's. Life is short. Eat it up.

Donny.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, sorry.

By the way, how great was today's show?

I saw it. I loved it. I thought it was your best one yet.

I mean, who in this day and age would actually send a sext that could destroy your life?

I mean, how stupid?

So stupid.

Donny, what are you talking about?

You sext.

I don't sext.

Yeah, you do. I send them for you.

Wait. Is that part of the job?

No, I'm not a moron, okay?

I will sometimes after a couple of dates with a nice lady might send a picture of myself with, like, a shirt off, but always covered, like the kind of picture you'd see on the beach.

Post-swimming, bath time.

Yes, all right, this is not a sext.

Let me see.

Come here, come here.

Look at it. I got a towel on.

[Laughs]

It's not funny.

That's a bathroom selfie.

That's totally a sext.

This is what we call an "I'm ashamed of my penis" selfie.

This is how you do it.

No face, full body.

That way you can send it to anybody.

Do not encourage him.

All right, what's wrong with you?

If it was a sext, it would show "genitilia," it would be X-rated.

I don't do that. That's my whole point.

What I do is a kind of well lit, artistic picture that would suggest a little future intimacy.

Okay, boom, boom.

I'm gonna coin a phrase right here.

Some people sext. I send a suggestive pic.

Donny, no, don't.

Boom.

Boom, boom.

No booming.

That's what I do. I coin these things.

Do not boom.

No, that's not a thing.

Like literally.

It's gotta be catchy or cool.

No. SP.

It's not either of those things.

Please. Please don't, no.

Watch it. It's gonna be out there. I'm gonna actually... now I'm gonna put it in a sentence. I'm gonna go SP Galina right now.

Yeah.

Do not SP Galina.

It's in the lexicon. I just used it already.

It's already out there.

It's not out there if it's nowhere.

It's in the kitchen. It should stay in the kitchen, Donny.

♪ I'm so busy ♪
♪ So much to do ♪

[Tap-dancing]

♪ Rush and hurry ♪

That's great, man.

Watch this one, Dad.

Oh so good.

I-I could never do that in, like, a million years.

It's incredible, man. I love you, pal.

Love you too.

["Get That Feeling" by Royal Deluxe]

♪ ♪
♪ Babe you're as cute as peaches ♪
♪ Oh as sweet as cream ♪
♪ You make me wanna stand up ♪
♪ Throw my hands up and scream ♪
♪ Oh I get that feeling ♪
♪ Yeah you give it to me ♪
♪ Oh I get that feeling ♪

[Phone rings]

Coco, my phone's ringing!

I need you to play Wrong Number!

Dad?

I think it's this Psycho Sexter.

Just answer this and say hi and say it's a wrong number.

What's with the dumbbell?

Just answer.

Hello?

[Speaking Mandarin]

Who is it?

Hello? Oh, yes, Mrs. Ecklestein.

Ms. Ecklestein. That was you who texted before?

Oh, she cursed out a boy in Mandarin?

I'm really surprised.

You think it's necessary we... absolutely.

We will see you Tues... before we go, you...

I don't know if anybody's ever said this to you.

You have, like, a great voice.

Have you thought voice-overs?

We will see you Tuesday, Mrs. Ecklestein.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Amazing.

$40,000 a year for private school, and I always wonder, am I getting anything out of it?

And you learned to curse in Mandarin.

A new skill for you. Why did you do this?

Somebody was making fun of Jagger at lunch.

Why? Why were they making fun of him?

He was tap-dancing again.

All right, next time, don't just curse that kid in Mandarin, tap-dance on his head, all right?

Nobody messes with our guy.

All right, I will finesse things. I will go up and do the Donny Deutsch thing and I...

Don't do the Donny Deutsch thing, Dad.

You'd be amazed at the things... and you'll do this as a parent someday... that you do when you love your kids.

The things you... I...

What?

I shouldn't tell you this. All right, you're old enough.

You'll understand 'cause you'll be a parent someday.

Do you remember in seventh grade, you were on the traveling soccer team, but you didn't make the all-star team, and then the next day, you did make the all-star team?

You deserved to be on it, but...

I, just to ensure it was gonna happen, slept with your coach.

What? You slept with my teacher?

Oh, my God! That is disgusting!

Did you not see "Forrest Gump"?

Did you see what Sally Field did when they were gonna throw Forrest Gump out of the regular school and she had to sleep with that big, gross, fat guy?

Because she loved Forrest Gump!

Dad, I don't know who these people are.

I am Sally Field.

Don't sleep with Ms. Ecklestein.

I'm not sleeping with her.

Okay.

I will handle it, okay?

And don't worry so much. I love you.

Love you.

♪ Each time I meet you ♪
♪ I act like a fool ♪

That's the one. Here you go, Ms. Galina.

Bang. Now you got me.

Mrs. Ecklestein, I'm so sorry.

Coco cursing out a classmate in Mandarin is certainly horrible.

And it's disappointing, because the kids really look up to her.

No, she's great. That's what was so crazy about this.

I'm so proud of that kid.

You know, even when something bad happens, I don't want to squelch the spirit.

Hmm.

I can promise you it'll never happen again.

Want to know something you do need to squelch?

The inappropriate pictures.

Shirtless, towel, bulge.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Mrs. Ecklestein...

Ms. Ecklestein.

Ms. Ecklestein, I-I... that was an accident, obviously.

No, I know it wasn't meant for me.

I am so mortified.

Totally inappropriate, Mr. Deutsch.

It was not meant for you, and... you know what?

What?

Maybe it was.

It wasn't, but it was meant to happen.

Are you single?

Mr. Deutsch, please.

Probably you would never go out with somebody like me 'cause you go out with just, I'm sure, super smart and sophisticated.

A woman like yourself, gorgeous, Rubenesque, w... beautiful, curvy. I love curves.

S... really highly educated.

This would be a new thing for me.

Please go out with me.

No.

If you went out with me, it would be like a mitzvah.

A mitzvah?

A mitzvah.

I have to start setting an example for my kids.

These skanky women that send me pictures, so I have to send pictures back like that.

You would be my phoenix helping me rise from the skank ashes.

The rehabilitation of Donny Deutsch?

I'm begging. I'm begging.

Uh-huh.

De-skanking me.

You don't know me. I'm not gonna take no for an answer. I mean, I'm not.

Let... let me think about it.

You, young lady, owe me big time.

Dad, you didn't sleep with her.

Love your show, Donny.

Thank you.

I just, uh, help people.

No, I didn't sleep with her. We're in a school.

And don't worry. I will always do what I have to do for you.

You have nothing to worry about. You are my baby.

♪ Truth is I don't care ♪

What a douchebag.

[Multiple phones chiming]

♪ ...that it's just ♪
♪ Around the corner out there ♪

[Elevator bell rings]

What are you doing here? It's "Morning Joe."

You're never here.

Oh, you know. I just missed you.

Can I talk to you for a second? Can we go talk?

What are you doing? What is going on?

Go, go, go, Will you relax? What is going on? go, go.

So, f... face, look what I got as my Daily Laugh today.

Congratulations, Mr. Dumbbell, you're viral.

How did you get that?

Do I really have to explain the Internet to you?

You sent it to someone, some teacher, Ms. Eckle-something, and then she posted it on her Facebook wall, and then people reposted it, and now the world has seen it!

Yeah, but she... she likes me.

[Sighs] Focus!

Let me see it. Let me see it.

[Sighs]

I look good. What's the big deal?

Okay, remember a few days ago when we did a show about no sexting?

Right. Uh-huh.

Remember that? Okay, well, you just sexted the universe.

This is not a sext.

This is a suggestive pic.

That is not a thing, Donny!

That's not a thing!

Millions of people are looking at this right now, and they're going, "Hmm.

"Donny is a hypocrite, and a pervert, and I hate him, and I'm not watching his show anymore."

That's not good.

No, no, no, it's not good.

It's bad.

I don't think you should go out there. I just...

I have to. You know what? Joe and Mika are my friends. They're not gonna...

[Stammers] This will pass Donny... and they won't even touch it.

You don't have any friends, okay?

We're f... ed.

We're f... ed. Thank you.

F... me! I'm such an idiot!

Yes, f... you.

No, no, no.

I'm gonna hang out in here for a bit.

[Rock music flourish]

Welcome back to "Morning Joe."

Joining us now, the star of the hit show "Donny!"

Donny Deutsch is back.

With an exclamation point.

Donny,

Donny! Exclamation point.

congratulations.

Of course exclamation point.

You had this unbelievable episode on last week about sexting, about how dangerous it is.

Talk... talk about the show.

Well... well... well...

This girl had, you know, sent out an unfortunate photo.

It is such a serious issue these days.

Bad mistake...

But let me talk about the show that I... really want to promote the upcoming show.

We have this great show, uh, basically on political mistresses, you know? I thought it was great to...

Right.

Who's gonna be on there, man?

Well, we have Jessica Hahn on there.

Monica Lewinsky's college roommate.

We couldn't get Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid, but we have a fellow housekeeper.

So what are you guys gonna be talking...

Well, basically we talk about, you know, people always act surprised.

Why do men in power...

Right.

Fool around?

And I always kind of almost say, "How do they not fool around?"

They're so entitled.

All right, wait a minute. Are you kidding me?

No, it's a great show.

You're saying you understand how men would do that, or you think that's wrong?

Well, of course it's wrong, but I'm just more...

So is this wrong, Donny? Is this wrong?

We all know. What are you talk...

Like, why would we... you know I'm gonna go there.

I don't think that's relevant.

You did a whole show on sexting and how it's wrong. Are you kidding me?

That's you, Donny!

Well, first of all, that's not a... that's certainly... it's a suggestive picture, but it's not... but...

You gotta be kidding me.

This whole thing is ridiculous.

And you are a misogynistic, sexist hypocrite.

[Mika's voice echoes]

Okay. Okay.

Are you guys ready? I will come clean.

Yeah.

This was done for a reason.

I would like to now officially...

Yeah?

announce a new charity...

Okay.

Called Curling for Carcinoma.

Are you kidding me?

Have you been personally touched by carcinoma?

Well, I... not directly.

I had a scare.

Right.

I had a mole and people...

You had a mole?

But could have turned into cancer.

The whole purpose of me putting this picture online is to draw attention.

It's true.

Everybody that sends in a video of them curling...

10 curls, I'm gonna donate $10, up to a million dollars.

The website will be coming out next week.

Can you get me the number for the American Cancer Society?

I have to set up a foundation by the end of the day.

What's so crazy is Mika fell right into it.

Like, you are the king

It's viral marketing, yes.

of viral marketing.

Isn't that amazing, what he does?

I just want to help people.

You're the man, Donny.

Okay, okay, that's good.

We'll be right back.

Take that and suck on it, Mika!

Yeah, you suck on that.

♪ Love to turn it up ♪
♪ We gonna break it down ♪
♪ Love to get it going ♪
♪ You got to got to got to get those ♪
♪ Girl don't stop now ♪
♪ You keep me keep me moving ♪
♪ Girl don't stop now ♪

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's wrong?

This makes no sense.

Becky the Psycho Sexter never even called me.

How's that possible?

Ugh...

Take 31.

Hak's Chipotle Barbie... chapotle...

Sweet spicy ingredients... no!

Am I turning and then picking it up?

Hak's... blah... blah... blah... I'm sorry, again, okay.