01x07 - Cop-Con

[bunniefuu]

So I'm proud to say we have met our quarterly stabbing goals.

That brings this g*ng leader meeting to a close.

Pizzaz: Ah-hem!

I have a quick something-something.

Yeah? Which g*ng are you in, bitch?

I'm Pizzaz Miller, Chief of the roughest g*ng in town... the Moonbeam City Police.

Oh! Oh, sorry. I meant no disrespect...

Bitch! I mean, ma'am.

As you know, Cop-Con is this weekend.

The entire police force will be away for three days.

But we'd appreciate it if you didn't tear the city apart like you do every other year.

No way! Crime is how we prove our manhood!

I see. So I guess you don't want your Uncle Carlo back?

[g*ng leaders gasp]

all: Uncle Carlo!

He's all of our uncle!

If you animals behave yourselves for this one weekend, and he goes free. It's up to you...

Will Uncle Carlo get parole... or the hole?

All right, show of hands.

All in favor of not doing crimes for three days...

guys: Aye.

Nay. Aah!

Alright, at you, anonymous. {*} No crimes till Monday morning.

You have our word, bitch... ma'am.

Welcome to civilization, boys, and remember... we walk around on twos, not fours.

Try it. You might like it.

[techno music]

1x07 - Cop Con

Chrysalis: So what actually happens at Cop-Con?

Dazzle: Well, it's a retreat for cops to quietly meditate on justice and peacekeeping, and...

Booze busses to Cop-Con boarding now!

No trampling!

[cops cheering]

Shouldn't we get boarding?

No bus for us.

I booked a discount rent-a-car and hotel deal for you, me, and Pizzaz... you know, the ol' g*ng.

Pizzaz: What do you mean by "the ol' g*ng"?

You know what I mean. We're the three people in the office whose adventures stand out the most on a weekly basis.

But I talk with Rick in forensics way more than either of you.

Rick? What kind of name is Rick?

Never heard of him. He is definitely not in the 'ol g*ng.

Ah, good. My chauffeur has arrived.

Rad Cunningham. His name should be Dan Druff... {*} 'cause I wish he'd stay out of my hair.

Guess whose car was recalled yesterday for rattling too many windows?

I'm rolling with you guys.

Although I despise you, Rad, you are one of the foremost interesting cops on the force.

But your adventures this weekend had better be notable, or you're out of the ol' g*ng!

You know, Pizzaz, this year we have to make sure that we don't repeat that mistake.

I don't wanna talk about it.

That foolish, drunken, sexually-charged mistake that we make multiple times at every Cop-Con.

Dazzle, we are not discussing it.

Stop it... stop kicking me!

I'm not kicking you!

What the hell is going on back there?

Rad smells weird!

I'm sweating because I'm buried in leather bags, and that triggers my hyperhydrosis of the taint!

Dazzle: I swear, you two get along back there, or I will turn this car around and... oh, wait.

We're here.

[brakes screech]

[techno music]

My name's Rad!

♪ and I like to bounce ♪

This is the sound the bed makes when it's having sex!

[springs creaking]

Ricka-ricka-ricka-ricka...

Rad! The bed's not for bouncing!

woman: The softest core adult movies are at your fingertips.

Ah! They got Soft Core!

Keep it in your pants, Rad.

Chrysalis and I need to get ready for our panels.

Wait... Chrysalis and Dazzle get to do panels, and I don't?

Rad, not every cop can host a panel this year.

You were selected as the one cop who should not.

I hate you! And I hate Cop-Con!

I'm never leaving this room!

[dramatic sobbing]

[background chatter]

Dazzle, would you like to accompany me inside for the video orientation?

Do you think that's a good idea?

Do you think that's a good idea?

That looks kinda cramped for two.

Who asked you?! Dazzle, come with me.

Hello, I'm Crimezappers host Vex Mullery.

For the next 2 1/4 minutes, I'll show you how to make the most out of your Cop-Con experience.

The Groove Shapiro Memorial Gigaplace, a structure so massive...

Ugh, you know, I just cannot imagine anything worse than having to watch this video for the next 2 1/4 minutes.

If only there was some way to distract ourselves for that modest runtime.

Yes. If only.

[slurping]

Dazzle: Okay... Okay...

Be sure to shove your way to the front row of the hottest panels...

Okay... including famed police whistleblower Stereo Campari's 700 corrupt cops.

Okay... Okay... Okay!

Enjoy the finest cuisine...

Why?

Because.

Why! Uhh!

Because.

Yes, this is your Cop-Con, cops. Make the most of it!

All right, when do I get my check?

Ohh... my goodness gracious me.

We can never speak of this shameful incident again.

It's the day one Cop-Con tension coming out, you know?

Exactly. This was fully expected to happen on day one.

But never again. Shame!

Yes. Shame.

Regret. Never again.

Shame.

Shame.

Shame.

And the long-coveted technology of a nausea-inducing riot control tone is here now.

Take a listen or, uh, actually, plug your ears so you don't diarrhea yourself to death.

'Cause this thing works!

Oh... Ohh!

With any luck, this will be Moonbeam P.D.'s most violent year yet!

[cheering]

Pizzaz, my dear! Mwah.

Did you see that guy crap his guts out? Phoomp! I love it.

Dazzle, this is Sergeant Flux Nicholson, a moth-eaten first edition of the Moonbeam P.D.

Sergeant nicholson, I've heard many a tale about you and your hard ass.

Ah... a clamp!

robot: What are you?

Flux: Meet our newest ally in police questioning...

Interrobot!

Hey, Dazzle's a good-good. Put him down.

Watch him in action. Interrobot, Interrogate!

Interrobot: Where were you last night?

I-I was at the movies.

Don't lie to me!

I was cheating on my wife, okay?

[laughter, cheering, g*nshots]

I'm not sure I like the direction the department is heading.

Oh, relax grandma. {*} You can't stop the march of progress.

In her knee-high jackboots... cheapening the price of human life a little more every day.

Welp, off to my panel!

Pizzaz: Stereo Campari.

Now, there's a cop Moonbeam City deserves.

Or maybe that snitch will get what he deserves.

Hey, hey, good to see you today!

All right, all right!

[crowd cheering]

You know, people always ask me: Dazzle, how do you don the finest threads, drive the cherriest rides, and sail the floatiest boats on a police officer's pathetic salary?

The answer: I... and using my patented keep what you confiscate program, any normal cop can be a pig... who lives high on the hog.

No, I didn't confiscate her from a crime scene.

Just kidding... I did!

[loud cheering]

Chrysalis: For too long, we've focused on punishments for violent crime and not enough on the causes.

Today, I'd like to explore those causes, using hours' worth of exciting graphs...

man: Uh... I have a question.

We're not to the Q&A portion yet, but go ahead.

Do you have a boyfriend?

That's not relevant, but...

No. Anyway, an ounce of prevention is...

I have a following question. {*}

What?

Go to Cop-Con prom with me.

That's not a question. And no.

I have a condition where I hear no as yes. So I'll see you there.

g*ng leader: Yo, Razor, you think there's something weird in the air?

Yeah, without the cops hassling us, things feel... different. [bird twitters]

What's that sound that is not g*nshots or sirens?

That's some kind of bird fool! Look!

Yo, the cycle of life is happening right here in the hood, fool!

When Uncle Carlo comes back, he's gonna see how we let the whole community suffer, man.

What if we clean things up?

You mean sweep away the dried blood and dirty needles?

Yeah. And coach youth baseball leagues instead of youth sh**ting-g*ns- out-of-a-car leagues!

Oh, yo, Razor, go steal... I mean, go buy some lumber, man.

We're gonna make skid row a place where kids grow!

music:

Welcome to our restaurant.

May I take your statement?

What are today's specials?

Death-penaltini, copghetti and meat-b*ll*ts, and Vice cream with boys-in-blueberry sauce.

You know what, I'll just have the hamcuffs and eggs...

Aided and abetted by...

Hmm. What are the side choices?

Badge potatoes, mozzarella batons, Mhm, Mhm... swat and sour chicken, swat potato fries, swat corn soup, swat corn bread.

Great. One of each for the table.

I'll just have an A.P.B. and jail-y.

What's the B.L.T.F.C.?

Bacon, lettuce, tomato for cops.

I guess I'll have that.

Let me confiscate your menus.

I'm worried about the Stereo Campari panel today.

He seems to have a lot of enemies.

Someone should let that kid know that snitches get stitches.

Stereo Campari isn't a snitch. He's a better man than you'll ever be.

Where is this love for Stereo Campari coming from?

And why is it making me so suddenly jealous?

I'm attracted to his moral fiber and self-control, of which you have none.

We're out of hamcuffs and eggs.

Well, that's too bad.

What are some of the other menu items that you haven't said out loud yet?

Uh, arriagnment veal with miranda rice, prisonstroni soup, bail-oney on an onion pa-role, chocolate chips rookies, D.U.I. pie.

Mhm.

Okay, okay, one of all of those.

How dare you say I have no self-control!

Should we continue this heated discussion back in our room?

Yes. Yes we should.

woman: The gentlest foreplay is waiting for you.

Just enter the code.

"Bra-clad nurses bare their cleavage in a semi-clothed rubdown."

Oh! That's hot stuff.

[door closes]

Rad, get out! Go down to Cop-Con and have fun.

I am having fun! Cop-Con sucks.

This is my time. This is Rad-Con.

Rad-Con! Great idea!

You should take Rad-Con down to Cop-Con and get everybody else on board.

You think Rad-Con is a good idea?

Great idea. But downstairs. With the others. Go.

Rad-Con? A great idea?

[moaning] Hey, no fair! How come they get to jump on the bed?

I was at your panel.

Yeah, that seat's taken. My friends are coming back.

I'll keep you company till then.

My name is Skit. Skit Riback.

I work in the deviant sex crimes unit.

Now, we see a lot of weird stuff.

You should come check it out. You... You might like it!

Skit, I'd actually prefer to be alone than sit anywhere near you.

So, tell me things about you. What would you do for fun?

Why did you get so pretty?

The angels must have put a bunch of stars in your eyes.

Hope nobody... cuts 'em up.

What?

Nothing.

That was clearly just Cop-Con day two tension coming out.

I mean, why else would we make two different, shameful mistakes twice in 24 hours?

Good. We're in shameful agreement.

No more mistakes from here on out.

Shame. Oh! Gotta go.

My band is opening for Stereo Campari.

Fine... go! I knew you couldn't do it five times in a row!

Cop-Con used to be cool, but we've all seen it become a convention just for the popular cops!

It's time to start a totally twisted, f-ed up, anti-authority cop convention...

This... is Rad-Con!

[scattered applause, cheers]

Rad rules, Rad rules!

guys: Rad rules, Rad rules...

I'm talking! Stop! Stop copying me!

Chrysalis, would you sign my Chrysalis fantasy fan fiction?

Look, that's you on the book.

Uh...

No, probably shouldn't see it.

Vex on P.A.: Stereo Campari's 700 Corrupt Cops will begin momentarily.

But first, here's the rockabilly music stylings of Buster Brown's Midnight Moonshine and the Texas "Hold 'Em" Boys!

[cheers and applause]

♪ Well ♪
♪ we're gonna cop this town down tonight ♪
♪ we're gonna cop this town down tonight ♪
♪ we're gonna cop this town down tonight ♪
♪ we're gonna cop this town, make it feel all right ♪
♪ cop, cop, coppity cop ♪
♪ we're gonna cop this town tonight! ♪
♪ oh oh whoo ♪

[off-key]

Guitar!

Play those chords!

Never again!

♪ yeah, when I say cop, you say cop ♪
♪ Cop ♪
♪ Cop! ♪
♪ cop ♪
♪ cop ♪
♪ yeah, when I say cop, you say cop ♪
♪ cop ♪
♪ cop! ♪
♪ cop ♪
♪ cop ♪
♪ cop to your left, cop to your right ♪
♪ cop all the way, cop all night ♪
♪ cop, cop, coppity cop ♪
♪ we're gonna cop this town tonight! ♪

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thanks, everybody.

And now, Moonbeam's number one whistleblower, Stereo Campari!

Thank you.

[boos and cheers]

The following 700 Moonbeam City Cops are corrupt.

I'm gonna start with A. Al...

[g*nsh*t]

[cops gasp]

Pizzaz: Let me through! Back away!

This is an active crime scene! Every cop in this building is a suspect.

I want Cop-Con placed on lockdown immediately!

Vex on P.A.: Attention!

No one is allowed in or out of the Gigaplace.

The k*ller may be your best friend or your partner of many years.

Don't trust anyone!

I'm worried.

Me too. There's a k*ller within our ranks.

No, I'm worried they might cancel Cop-Con prom over this nonsense, but, yeah, sure, m*rder's bad too.

And without cops, who knows what's happening on the streets.

Yo, my crossing-guard job makes me feel reinfranchised.

Without constant police brutality, it's like a weight has been lifted.

More doves, man! The doves love it here!

Vex: No one is permitted to leave the Cop-Con until Stereo Campari's k*ller is apprehended.

Feel free to keep false apprehending until we find the actual k*ller.

Who k*lled Stereo Campari?

I already told you. I don't know.

Do not lie to Interrobot.

Look, I-I just want to get outta here.

Okay? How 'bout you let me go?

Interrobot is programmed to never accept bribes. Wink.

waitress: May I take your statement?

Mmm... Rib eye steakout, medium rare, no backup.

We're out of food.

Why'd you come to the table then?

I don't know. It's a pretty funny menu, you've got to admit.

This is hell. We're never gonna leave Cop-Con, and I'm fresh out of ideas.

[pounding, squeaking]

Our k*ller is playing Whac-a-mole.

Who, that guy?

No, but much like the wacker of the fabled mole, our k*ller will keep wacking and wacking until he's succeeded.

But what if the mole... wacked back?

So you're saying...

Whoever would m*rder one whistleblower would m*rder two whistleblowers, right?

In theory, yes, but...

Attention, everyone!

Stereo Campari told me everything he knew before he d*ed.

I'm revealing it all tonight at Cop-Con prom... unless someone... kills me first!

So... don't miss it!

Did Stereo actually tell you anything?

No. What I'm doing is known in poker as lying.

It's the perfect bait for Campari's assassin.

But how are you going to protect yourself from the assassin?

Hmm. Did not think about that part.

[chatter, singing, birds tweeting]

Our community was really hurt, man.

But now we stand brother to brother in, like, a spirit of hope!

♪ In a copless world ♪

[jazzy organ]

♪ we all are free ♪
♪ to turn U-R-T ♪
♪ into O-P-E! ♪

♪ leaving the H intact ♪

♪ take out the A-R-M ♪
♪ oh-oh, yeah ♪

♪ and put in the E-L-P ♪
♪ leaving the H ♪
♪ leaving the H ♪
♪ leaving the H once again everybody ♪
♪ leaving the H once again ♪

♪ leaving the H once again ♪

♪ leaving the H once again ♪
♪ everybody ♪

♪ leaving the H once again ♪

♪ everybody ♪

♪ leaving the H once again ♪

♪ everybody ♪

We just might have an I-T on our A-N-D-S.

Leaving the H once again.

Vex: We're moments away from the announcement of king and queen cop,

But remember: Keep an eye out for the m*rder*r of Stereo Campari.

You could be dancing with him or her right now!

Okay, when they announce me and Pizzaz as Cop-Con prom king and Cop-Con prom queen, we'll come on stage.

Chrysalis, you'll be in the rafters... like the mouse you resemble... watching the audience for suspicious characters.

Sounds good... oh wait, how do you know you two will be voted Cop-Con prom king and queen?

Oh...

Ha...

Ah...

I, uh...

It's a joke.

I see now.

A clever jibe.

It's a jape.

Chrysalis, you jester.

Chrysalis, you're funny!

Okay, okay, okay, I get it. I'll get in position.

Attention, everyone! Crowd the stage for the announcement of our Cop-Con prom king and queen.

Dazzle, if either one of us doesn't make it, I just wanna say...

Shhh, baby, baby, baby. I already know.

These last three days have been the best of my life too.

I know I lack the scruples of Stereo Campari.

I don't care if some cop breaks the rules to shake down a free lunch in this town. But I do believe in Cop-Con prom.

And, like Stereo, I'm willing to die for what I believe in.

I was actually going to say that your band sucks and you need keep your garbage guitar playing to yourself.

The votes are counted.

This year's Cop-Con prom king and queen are...

Whew... showtime!

Dazzle, Flux Nicholson is reaching for his pocket at your two o'clock.

I don't know how to do that clock thing. Just tell me... left or right.

Right. That's left! I said right!

Oh, no, Skit's also reaching for something.

Skit? You mean your boyfriend?

He's not my boyfriend!

slow mo: Guuuuun!

[g*nsh*t]

Dazzle!

Dazzle, are you hit?

No. Thanks to you, baby.

- Wow... Oh...

Okay... Okay...

Ooh...

Okay!

Right here, assh*le.

I'll save you, Chrysalis! Aah!

So the k*ller was Rick.

Rick? Who the [bleep] is Rick?

Rick from forensics... I told you about him the other day.

Why would Rick be the k*ller?

I don't know! Ask Rick!

My reasons were...

No, no, no, no.

He doesn't get to talk. Take him away.

Everybody freeze! Give me that microphone! [feedback]

For all you jocks and prisses enjoying your little meat parade, well guess what!

Cop-Con prom is cancelled!

This is Rad-Con prom.

Vengeance... is ours!

[guys cheering]

Take this, nerd!

[phoom, phoom, phoom]

Oh!!

[groans]

Now, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, this year's Cop-Con cop-prom king and queen are...

Chrysalis Tate and Interrobot!

What?

Whaaa... Are you people kidding me?

I have a question... [music] May I have this dance?

Yes, Interrobot, I'd like that.

Chrysalis, I-I saved you, so I thought maybe I could get a dance in.

Aah! [thud]

Pizzaz: Well, cops, the m*rder's been solved.

The lockdown is lifted. You're free to go.

See you at next year's Cop-Con. Drive safe.

Time to try out the new toys, boys!

[siren wailing]

[jazzy organ]

♪ leaving the H once again ♪

Aah!

Stop this g*ng song!

This is a peaceful gathering.

[phoom, phoom, phoom, phoom]

What's that H doing there? Get rid of it!

[sirens]

[commotion]

Uncle Carlo!

Oh... [crash]

Dazzle: Moonbeam City. Just like we left it.

Always a fire burning. Always a ghetto blasting.

Always... my home.

Let's go. They need us out there.

Pizzaz, last time for real?

You mean one more time after this time will be the last time?

Yes, that's what I meant.

Okay...

Oh... Oh!

Okay... Okay!

[Pizzaz moans]

man over P.A.: Well, Officer Blast Rodriguez, please report to the Lost & Found. We've found your breast numbers. Execution videos are now prized. {*} Remember, firearms are not permitted on the Cop-Con floor. They are required.