01x08 - Too Hot to Handler

[bunniefuu]

[Cheers and applause]

My first guest was host of her own late-night talk show, "Chelsea Lately."

But you probably know her best as that lady at the airport who asks for a pat-down.

[Laughter]

Chelsea Handler!

[Cheers and applause]

[Upbeat music plays]

Mwah!

Hey, Scooter. Great job on the Chelsea Handler booking.

Yeah.

Have a seat, yes. Welcome, welcome.

Chelsea: Thank you for having me.

Scooter?

Uh... hello?

Huh!

Sometimes after mom goes to bed, I, uh, switch the TV up to the naughty-language channels.

Yeah. And that's where I found Chelsea Handler, telling her sassy jokes.

I was, uh [Clears throat]... pardon my naughty language... smitten.

Yeah. She really filled in some of the gaps from the talk we got back in health class.

Now, you would know.

How is it out there in the dating world?

Ugh. Honestly, I am fresh off of another nightmare.

I mean, I was dating some club promoter/bouncer who was so oily, by the time I threw my drink at him, he didn't even get wet.

[Audience laughs]

[Laughing hysterically]

I think what I'm looking for... and I'm finally willing to admit it... is just somebody who's nice...

Mm-hmm.

...and has a steady job.

Wait! I'm a nice guy with a steady job.

You know, some sweetheart who's thoughtful and optimistic.

Oh, my God. She's describing me.

I guess I'm just looking for a kind, lovable dork.

Darn it! So close!

Are you kidding me? You're a textbook dork.

No, I'm not.

Scooter, you yell "Whee" every time you ride an escalator.

Well, excuse me for enjoying the magical flying stairs.

And last Friday night, instead of club hopping with me, you were...

sh**ting a YouTube video on how to make a spartan helmet out of cereal box.

Cheese and crackers, I am a dork.

Yep.

Fellas, I think I got a sh*t at being Chelsea Handler's man!

Mm... boy toy.

Trust me, Scooter. You are a boy toy.

Hmm.

♪

[Ding]

♪ Ooh! ♪

Yeah!

♪ Unh! ♪

Hmm. Time to get things started.

♪ Ha ha ha! ♪

Verde ger. Diverda shurger.

Ooh... uh, you know, Chef, I think that joke's a little off-color.

Ooh. Itsa Handler hoomer.

Handler humor. Oh. Well, that almost makes sense now.

[Muttering]

Fozzie: Hey! Hey, Kermit.

Yeah?

Kermit, I got some great news.

Yeah?

I'm thinking about taking the next big step in my relationship with Becky.

[Gasps] You're gonna tell her you're losing the hair on your stomach and those are mostly plugs?

It's coming in good, huh? I can swim, Mm-hmm. ride horses...

Anyway, tomorrow, I'm asking Becky to move in with me.

You're what?!

Yeah, it's gonna be fantastic.

I'll never have a moment alone again.

Plus, she just started to learn how to play the violin.

So I get to listen to that!

Mm.

Oh! And it's gonna be so much fun sharing my one little bathroom together.

Uh, y-you know, Fozzie, you barely know Becky.

Know her? We've been together for 12 whole weeks.

This is the longest relationship of my life by 11 whole weeks.

So, uh, I guess your mind's made up, huh?

Kermit, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't know she was perfect.

Yeah?

Man, this is gonna be great!

I cannot wait to let someone else tell me what I should watch on TV at night. Oh!

Hey... hey, Fozzie? Uh...

Mm?

...you know, I haven't had a lot of time to spend with Becky.

Um... how about we all go out tonight and get to know each other better?

It's trivia night at Rowlf's. We can go there.

Becky wins all the time, too.

And they got amazing prizes, like beer...

Maybe it's just beer. See you there?

You bet.

All right!

Tonight. Looking forward to it.

Ah. You're a big fella, aren't ya?

[Chuckles] Nyow, nyow.

Kermit: One of the things I love about Fozzie is his innocent, child-like quality.

That's also why I have to look out for him.

[Rubber band snaps] Ow! Ow!

Oops!

He's not ready to move in with anybody...

[Rubber band snaps]

Ow!

...much less someone he met 12 weeks ago.

That's way too big a step. You can't rush these things.

R-right, Bobo?

What?

Wh... y-ou talking to me?

Yeah, for the last five minutes.

Ooh! [Laughs]

I thought you were doing one of those interview thingies.

No.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you open this?

These tabs aren't made for paws.

Okay, guys, I'm gonna go in there and I'm gonna ask her out.

So, why you standing like that, with your hands on your hips?

You look like one of those little girls in a beauty pageant.

Sí, and not the winner.

No.

Listen, if you're gonna ask Chelsea out, you got to do something else with your hands.

Yeah.

Oh, okay. Well, maybe I'll just... I'll move them around, you know, like people do when they talk.

No, no, no. Do not do this, okay?

No. Mnh-mnh.

You're trying to land a woman, not a plane.

Yeah.

Okay, now you guys are just getting in my head.

I've never thought about my hands before, and I am not gonna start now.

Hmm! Suit yourself.

Okay.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Oh, hey, Chelsea!

Uh, great job out there.

Oh, thanks, Scooter. I appreciate it.

Mm-hmm.

You've been so sweet to me all day.

Oh! Well [Clears throat]

Yes, I've, uh... I've also been a dork. [Chuckles awkwardly]

And not just today, but, uh, for my whole life.

Yep, been a dork. Anyway, um...

Uh... um...

I, uh... I hope this isn't, uh, too forward, but, um, I was wondering if, um, oh, I don't know, maybe, uh, you'd like to, uh, go... Oh!

[Clatter]

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

[Gasps]

Heavens to Betsy, you're covered in crudité! [Grunts]

Ah, I'm just gonna go get a paper towel to clean up all this raaaaanch! Uh!

Ooh... oh, God, this is embarrassing.

[Sighs] I came here to ask you out, but I just made a big gosh-darn mess of it!

Oh, I don't care at all.

Look!

[Tin clatters]

I don't even have to clean any of this stuff up.

Some poor schlub from production will do it.

Uh, yeah. That's me.

[Grunts] It's okay. I'll just, um, call Mom and tell her I'll be home a little late.

You know what? Tell your mom not to wait up.

You have a hot date tonight.

I do? Cool! Uh...

Uh, and just so you know, I don't live with my mom.

That'd be weird, right?

I live in a room in my mom's house.

Yeah, I have my own microwave, mini-fridge, dust-Buster, which she's always borrowing, and I'm always like, "Mom, will y..."

You know what, Scooter?

When you get a yes, just kind of go with that.

Mm. Beautiful and wise, just like my Mmm...

[Clears throat] You.

Mm-hmm. You.

All right, next question.

What famous crime boss was behind the Valentine's day m*ssacre?

So, do you know the answer?

Sure do. But now I can't remember the question.

[Both laugh]

The answer is...

"Al Capone"!

Oh, we got it! We got it! [Squealing]

Al Capone! We got it right!

You are on fire! We're gonna win...

"A bucket of beers or a food item of comparable value not including extreme nachos"!

Whoo!

[Laughs] Aww, great! Hey, hey, speaking of Al Capone, did anybody here ever break the law in a way that would make for fun table conversation? Uh, Becky?

Yeah.

Sometimes, I pop a crouton into my mouth before I pay for my salad at whole foods.

Ah! [Laughs]

Aw, everybody does that.

My Uncle Willard spent a little time in the clink.

What?

He didn't realize you needed a permit to have all those pet tigers. He would've gotten away with it, too, if that wind storm didn't knock the door off the barn. [Giggles]

Okay, uh... how about we, uh, talk about something else, like, uh, o-our credit scores.

Ohh!

Uh, mine is 760. Uh, Becky?

Mine's 210.

Wha...

210? But... but you're born with like 250.

Yeah, I walked away from a condo in San Diego.

Rowlf: All right, next question.

Who succeeded President William McKinley after he was assassinated in 1901?

Oh...

Hint... it wasn't a dog.

Canine-Americans still can't hold public office.

Guys, it's a trick question.

I don't know.

McKinley's a mountain, not a president.

But Mount Rushmore is four presidents, ergo the answer is President Rushmore!

Uh...

Oops!

Dropped my pencil.

Kermit: Hm? Oh, oh, y-you okay? Need some help?

The question is, "Who succeeded William McKinley after he was assassinated in 1901?"

Rowlf: That's a toughie.

I just remembered.

Hmm?

It's Teddy Roosevelt.

Oh, no.

What, you don't think that's it?

No, Fozzie, I'm... I'm pretty positive that's it.

You know, Becky is, uh...

Well... she's... she's like the Internet.

Ah. Hmm.

Can I talk to you at the bar?

What?

Uh, excuse us for a second.

Um...

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Be right back.

You are like the Internet.

Aww, thank you.

[Giggles] What's going on?

I just saw something under the table that I did not want to see.

Oh, Fozzie's got hair plugs on his belly, doesn't he?

It's newer hair, and the color's off...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Becky was looking at her phone.

I think maybe she was cheating.

Oh, so? It's just a silly bar game.

Well, sure. But I-if she's willing to do that to win a bucket of beers or a food item of comparable value, don't you think I should let Fozzie know?

Listen, Kermit, if you start meddling in Fozzie's business, it's gonna ruin your friendship.

Yeah, but... I-I don't want to see him get himself into a bad situation.

H-he's my best friend.

If you love him, you'll keep your cute little green trap zipped.

But don't you think he should know?

Zip it.

And the president we're looking for is Teddy Roosevelt.

[Squeals]

Yeah!

See? There, I think she did it aga...

Zip.

[Muffled] Fine.

So, uh, Chelsea, you strike me as someone who grew up in Livingston, New Jersey, and is the youngest of six children.

Really? Is that how I strike you?

Or did somebody do a pre-date Wiki search on someone?

What? No! Everybody knows that at age 19 you moved to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career.

And Handler once dated rapper 50 Cent.

[Chuckling] You are so ridiculous. I can't take it.

[Chuckles nervously] Well...

Hmm? What?

Whoa! Uh, uh...

Uh, sorry, Chelsea, uh...

I got to go.

We didn't even have our dessert yet.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Too much sugar. Too much sugar for me.

We can order some fresh berries. That's...

Too much sugar!

May I have a turtle sundae with a milkshake and a margarita?

Pepe: I don't think he washes his hands.

Rizzo: I don't think so, either. Oh, oh!

Pepe: Oh, there's Scooper!

Hey, hey, hey! Scooter, Scooter, Scooter, Scooter, Scooter! So, Yeah? Yeah? how'd it go with Chelsea, huh?

A-and don't skip the dirty stuff, 'cause I was born in a sewer; You are not gonna shock me.

Well, uh, Chelsea was fun, but, uh, I-I don't think I'm gonna see her again.

What?!

Mnh-mnh.

Ohh. Well, you must trust your heart.

Yeah, Because your heart is never wrong. yeah. That's true.

Yeah, yeah. She got way too physical way too fast.

[Spits]

I stand corrected.

Your heart is very, very stupid.

Well, you weren't there, Pepe.

Sí, I know.

But if I was there, I would still be there.

Well, I'm not a randy little sea bug like you.

[Both cackle]

Anyway, I've been ignoring her texts, so I'm pretty sure she got the message.

[Gasps]

Uh, I don't think she got the message.

Wow!

Whoo!

Would you look at this?

Oh-ho!

Wow!

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, guys. Hang on.

We don't know it's from her.

Wow!

I got to read the card.

Uh, "Dear Scooter..."

Okay, so far, it could be from anyone.

It's from Chelsea.

Yep.

"Last night was fun."

That could be the valet, the waitress.

It's from Chelsea.

Yep.

"I can't stop thinking about our good-night kiss."

So, we're down to Chelsea and my mom.

Ugh!

Let us pray it's from Chelsea.

Okay, fine. It's from Chelsea.

Hm.

Oh, fudgsicles! I got to go break up with her.

Hey, hey, hey. Look at the bright side.

If you had to break up with your mother, you'd have no place to live.

[Both laugh]

Because he lives with his mama! Yeah!

Yeah, yeah!

[Cackling]

[Sighs]

There he is!

How much fun was last night, huh?

Yeah...

I mean, who knew Indonesia had the most volcanoes?

Well, besides the people running from lava in Indonesia, Uh, Becky.

Can you believe her?

You can ask that woman any question, and she'll have the answer. History, geography, Mm. what the thing was on my back.

W-well, what was it?

Paint. I leaned against a building.

Ah.

Anyways, I'm really glad you liked her, 'cause...

She's meeting me here for lunch, and then [Inhales deeply]

I'm giving her the key to my house.

Look. I put it on this beautiful sterling-silver key chain.

Oh, th-the one I gave you last year for Christmas.

Yeah. Yeah, I remembered that just as I was saying...

Thank you! I love it!

Sure.

Got to go!

Yeah.

Kermit: Denise is right.

I can't tell Fozzie his girlfriend cheated.

But, uh... hm, maybe I can help him figure it out for himself, huh?

Uh, what do you think, Sam?

Hmm? Oh, I-I-I'm sorry. Were you talking to me?

I-I thought you were doing one of your silly...

I wasn't doing an interview. [Scoffs]

Why isn't anybody listening to me? Yeesh!

Little old lady.

Little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!

[Both laugh]

Uh, hey, Becky.

Oh, hey, Kermit.

Uh, yeah, hi there. Listen, I ju... I just have to tell you how, um, impressive you were last night.

Oh.

Uh, the only person I've ever met who knows as much about U.S. history as you is my neighbor.

Uh, he actually has an American flag from 1853 that has, um... how many stars, again?

Deadly: Ah! 31! I've been trying to get a line of historical-flag clothing off the ground.

My slogan?

"The fashion is coming! The fashion is coming!"

Thank you very much, Deadly. I appreciate that.

But, um, I-I was actually kind of talking to Becky here.

It's 31.

Yeah, well, I guess we all know that now.

[Singsong voice] All right, off to lunch!

Uh...

We're going to Café Paree! That's French for Café Paris.

Yeah. Yeah, French, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Well, uh, you know, that... that kind of reminds me, uh, I'm looking at some property in, uh... in New Orleans.

Fozzie: Oh?

Yeah. A-a-a-and I don't know much about the prices.

So, ah, how much did we pay France for the Louisiana purchase?

Um...

I know the answer!

Uh, yeah, I'm actually having a private conversation here, Carl. [Sighs]

$15 million.

That's 3 cents an acre.

I'm kind of a Francophile.

Yes, thanks very much, big mean Carl.

Adjusted for inflation, that's $236 million, or a little over 209 million Euros at today's exchange rate.

Wow, Chip, that sounds like a pretty good deal to me, considering it was how many acres, only Becky?

[Meeping]

I said Becky, not Beaker!

Well, he was correct. What do we win?

W... nobody wins anything.

These trivia questions are supposed to be for her.

Kermit, if you want to know the answers, why don't you just look them up on your phone?

Because I do not look up answers on my phone like some people evidently do during trivia night at Rowlf's Tavern!

Who does that? I want names!

[Sighs]

I'm sorry, Fozzie, but it was... it was Becky.

[All gasp]

Becky?

What?

Oh, come on.

Wait, you thought I was cheating?

W-well, you were looking at your phone.

Kermit, the only reason I was on my phone is that I was eBay.

Huh?

It was the end of an auction, and I was bidding on a gift for Fozzie.

Aww, really?

Here.

Oh, no. I believe you.

Look if you don't believe me.

Aww, it's a Fanny pack!

Yeah.

And it's suede, so it won't No. irritate your belly plugs.

Oh, Fozzie, Becky, I-I-I am so sorry.

I was just... I was just trying to...

What?

Call my girlfriend a cheater?

No! N-no!

Come on, Becky.

No, Fozzie, Becky, please, wait!

Let's go to lunch.

I-It's just that when I... when I saw the phone, guys, I-I thought that... g...

I-I'm sorry.

[Sighs]

Oh...

Hug?

Please. [Sigh]

Bring it in. There you go.

[Sighs]

Uh... uh, hiya, Chelsea.

Scooter, hey!

I was so relieved when I got your text.

I thought maybe I had done something to freak you out or had sent an inappropriate picture of myself.

Uh, yeah, you did. And thank God my mom didn't see it.

Listen, Chelsea, uh... I like you.

I like you, too. Like, like you like you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

See, this is what's making my tummy hurt.

You're a racy gal, which is thrilling when you're on my TV.

But in person, I can't just click over to the weather channel to catch my breath.

I'm sorry.

I get it.

Scooter, you're the best thing that's happened to me in a really long time.

And if I move too fast, it's because I-I don't want to lose you.

I'm the kind of guy who needs things to move a lot slower.

Well, I can move slower.

I can go back to my high-school moves.

Yeah, maybe your junior-high-school moves.

[Chuckles softly]

Listen, I'm going on the road for a couple of weeks.

Maybe we could just talk on the phone?

Yeah. Yeah, you know what? I'd like that.

Hug?

Yeah. [Chuckles]

Aww.

Chelsea! No!

Why are there a number-two pencil?

Huh.

You know what I mean? Like, why... why isn't one good enough?

Hey, hey, hey. You all hip to the word about Kermit and Fozzie?

Mnh-mnh.

Mm-hmm.

I heard they had an "alterfication"

'cause the frog got with the bear's lady.

Yeah, yeah. And I heard Fozzie was so angry, he made Kermit disappear.

[Gasps]

Yeah. So the network replaced him with a robot Kermit.

Whoa! Look at his eyes!

Robot Kermit has no soul!

Mm.

Whoa. I wonder if I'm a robot?

Mm! Beep, bop, boop!

Zzt, zzt, zzt, zzt!

Oh! That came way too easily.

All right! Let's knock out these regional promos, friends...

Yeah.

...and Kermit.

Fozzie, I said I was sorry.

So! Which city's up first?

Come on. I...

Okay. Well, first up, Philadelphia. In three...

Here you go.

...two...

Stay tuned for electrifying comedy in the city of brotherly love!

"Up Late with Miss Piggy" is on next!

Very nice.

Good one.

You wouldn't know anything about the city of brotherly love, Kermit.

What?

Probably because you live in the city of meddling in somebody else's relationship.

Mm, based on my experience, that's Reno.

I mean, honestly, Kermit...

Memphis in three... two...

...what do you have against Becky?

Nothing!

[As Elvis Presley] Howdy, Memphis!

Watch "Up Late with Miss Piggy," coming up next.

Thank ya! Thank ya very much!

[Normal voice] If you don't have anything against Becky, then what is it?

Look, I-I'm just not sure that you're ready to move in with anybody, Fozzie. [Sigh]

Ready? Why not? I'm an adult.

Oh, wait a minute. You don't think I'm an adult, Oh, no, it's not... do you? You don't think I'm mature enough. Well, I am mature, so...

Yeah.

...nyaaaah to you!

Fozzie...

You don't have to watch out for me.

I'm not the junior partner in this friendship.

I'm a co-president! And I own stock...

Yeah. Yeah.

...and have a corner office... and...

Yeah.

Ahh, my metaphor's falling apart.

Fozzie, I hope you know that I've always tried to look out for you in the past.

Well [Sighs] I appreciate that, but...

Mm?

...You don't have to anymore.

I-I-I want you to see me as someone you respect.

Someone you can take seriously... that was not the time to do that.

Oh, sorry. We're just trying to get to our affiliate in Minnesota.

[Sighs] You're right, Fozzie.

Er, from now on, you make your own decisions.

And if you want my advice, I'm always here for ya.

I know that, Kermit. Thanks.

Mm?

You're welcome. So, uh, when's Becky moving in?

Oh, that? No, that's off.

Mm?

I never asked her. Way too big of a step. You can't rush these things.

Yeah...

Can I get a fan in here? I'm boiling.

You got to love Fozzie. And it's his life.

I got to trust him to make his own decisions.

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't gonna keep an eye on him.

[Cackling]

It's... I'm stuck.

I-I-I'm stuck here, guys.

Y-y-you getting it? You getting it?

Oh, yes.

Whoa!

Hey, Fozzie... uh, why don't Yeah? you just take off the hat?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks, Kermit. That worked.

Sure.

Huh, ha!

[Chuckles]

Party pooper.

Oh, wow! There's Kermit!

Yeah. And I got a plan to find out if he's a robot once and for all.

Hmm.

Bobo: Up Late With Miss Piggy... one...

[Sighs]

Mmph, yeah.

[Sighs]

Well, there's our answer. Science has spoken.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Om-nom-nom!

Whoa!

Nom-nom-nom! Mmm!

Whoa! Animal's a robot!

Well, that explains a lot.

Yeah! Like why he makes such a fuss at bath time!

Doesn't change anything. He's still a beautiful soul.

Yum! Yum! Yum!

Hey, guys!

Ohhh, the robot's comin!

[Stammering] Disperse! Disperse!

Janice: I'm running away, but I still love you!

Oh, well. More for me!

Om-nom-nom!