04x10 - The Departed

[bunniefuu]

Danny, I think I've finally figured it out.

Sure, being a working mom whose fiance is 48 states away certainly has its challenges.

[light buzzes]

Aw, man.

It's hard being on your own, balancing work and family while also finding time to stay slutty anime character-level hot.

Sure, I've gotten the hang of it, but when I first tried this move I nicked my leg so bad I couldn't tell what was blood and what was pancake syrup.

So basically I'm doing everything that I need to be doing.

That's great. So, you put your apartment up for sale!

I have not. I just have so many memories on that place.

Do you know how many dudes I've slayed there?

All the more reason to sell it!

I guess so.

Hey, any news when you're coming home?

Don't k*ll me, but I'm hoping by Christmas.

What?

Christmas? That's three holiday Reese's Peanut Butter Cup shapes from now!

Can't you make it home by Turkey-shape?

I know, it's hard for me too.

I changed my ringtone to "Fat Bottomed Girls" just to feel closer to you.

What? No.

Okay. Give your weiner a honk for me.

I will. Give Leo a kiss for me.

Prices have gone up, so swab responsibly.

Any other announcements?

I have an announcement. This meeting sucks.

Peter, you don't work here anymore.

You're on vacation.

You're free to leave at any time.

I have an announcement.

I need somebody to fill in for me tomorrow night to meet Gordon.

Who's Gordon?

I feel like I don't know anybody. This meeting sucks.

Gordon's in charge of collecting all the medical waste, and it's Tamra's turn to wait for him.

Yeah, I've filled in for Tamra so many times that Gordon thinks that we got something going on.

He gave me a blouse.

I'm sorry, I have a thing.

Oh, you know what you should do?

You should call an arbitrator.

That's what Danny and I did when we couldn't decide on a couple's costume for Halloween.

We ended up going as Cheech and Kate Middleton. I remember...

Mindy, we can't have every conversation pivot to Danny.

You know who always says that? Danny.

Any announcements not to do with missing your fiance in California?

I have an announcement. This meeting sucks.

[theme song]

Yo, Schmindy? You ready to rip the town up?

Hey, where's your mesh party bra?

If you're not gonna wear it, can I?

Oh, Peter, I can't.

I promised Leo that I'd watch "Dora" with him.

You can come with.

The promos were ambiguous, but I think it's about a grumpy Tortuga.

I've seen that one.

You know, this is my last weekend in New York, Mindy.

We haven't partied once.

I've just been hanging out with Jeremy.

He's taken me to The Frick so many times I don't even laugh at the name anymore.

I'm going to have to go around town and hang up these open house flyers for my apartment.

I'm selling it.

Wait a minute. You're not partying and you're selling the Poon-tang palace?

You've changed.

What? No, I haven't.

Yeah, prove it. I got a new party drug called Stacey.

Let's take it.

Peter, I'm 27 years old and I have a baby. I can't do that.

I understand but come on, let's party.

Okay, okay, we will. We can go out tomorrow night.

Yes, awesome! I'm sorry!

It just feels like my head's gonna explode.

But that could be the Stacey.

Hi.

Welcome to the Mercer Street Club. Can I help you?

Hello, I was hoping to hang my open house flyer in your exclusive members-only club.

You know, so that a rich-o might see it.

The community bulletin board is for club members only.

Well, I tried to become a member but your committee said that my application was, "Covered in sauce."

Ah, Mr. Smith. Welcome back.

Hey, Denise. But one more time. Mr. Smith is my father.

Are you kidding me? Kevin Smith is a member here?

Holy... Mindy!

Oh, my Lord, are you a member here too?

You're gonna love it, man.

They got chicken fingers with eight kinds of sauce, and the toilet seats are huge for people like us.

I don't need that. I'm not... that's not...

Fair enough. Between us.

Okay, I don't know what he's talking about.

Please, just let me hang this flyer up.

To be honest, this is something that my fiance would have taken care of, but he's gone now, and I am just struggling to keep it together, so... oh, great, you called security.

Very classy. You know what, dude?

My fiance has been gone for three months, so if you're gonna touch my arm like that, you better do it a lot more, or way less.

'Cause I am horny as hell.

Listen, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop.

No, I'm so sorry, sir. She was just leaving.

Okay.

No, no, no, no.

I'm James and, um, actually I'm going through the same thing you're going through.

Oh. Your wife's gone too?

Yeah, and it's been really, really hard.

Especially since all I want to do is talk about her but nobody seems to want to listen.

Even my Uber driver asked if we could just ride in silence.

I know. It's like, I'm going through this, and no one understands.

Anyway, what can I do? He's with his dad now.

You know what? Denise, um, I'm going to hang her flyer up.

Actually, I was just here to hang up something of my own.

Thank you, James.

No thank you, Denise.

You know what? If you ever want to feel black balled, just try to go to the Weight Watchers in Tribeca.

They'll turn you away because you're way too thin.

Well, look what I found.

Tamra's got a music gig she didn't tell us about.

That's why she was too busy to take out the medical waste.

Where'd you even find that?

At the CrossFit gym my ex-girlfriend's ex-girlfriend owns.

And people say stalking is bad.

Tamra, look. We'll come and support you.

I had courtside Liberty tickets, but I can just eat the two dollars.

Well, you guys aren't invited.

What?

And you can tell Gordon I said...

Whoa.

Why aren't we invited?

I mean, look at us.

We have such bad hair but for completely different reasons.

I guess one of us will just stay here and deal with Gordon and the medical waste.

No, it's not right.

She can't tell us where we can and cannot go.

Yeah.

We're going to that show.

Yeah, we are.

Mm-hmm.

Both: Can I borrow ten bucks for a ticket?

Jinx. You owe me a Coke.

Jinx. You owe me two Cokes.

Okay, I don't have that kind of money.

Peter, thank you so much for helping me set up for this open house.

I just don't understand why you're selling this place.

I mean, you said buying it was your single biggest accomplishment besides touching your toes that one time.

Oh, well, Danny could never live in this apartment.

He says that the gay neighborhood makes him feel too pretty.

That's real shame.

You know, this was the first couch I ever made love to.

What?

What?

[doorbell rings]

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh, my God, someone's here!

[doorbell rings]

Welcome to a home as elegant as you are.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Hello.

You're James, right?

Mindy, right?

Hello.

Good to see you.

Nice to see you.

I brought my friend Loretta.

Hi.

She's in the market for a new place.

Her townhome reminds her too much of her late husband.

Well, mostly because he asked to be buried within its walls.

My God.

This place is so charming.

Well, my friend Peter will show you around.

No, I'm working on this cookie.

Drop the cookie, loser. Be helpful for once in your life.

Right this way.

You know, it's such a shame.

Mindy's too young to suffer such loss.

What, you mean her hair loss?

She was bleaching it blonde for awhile.

No, I mean having her fiance die so young.

Who... wha?

It's pretty wa...

Excuse me germs.

Can I talk to you for a second real quick?

Oh, no.

Did Loretta see that guy masturbating across the street?

Damn it!

Mindy, Loretta thinks Danny is dead.

What? How?

I don't know.

All I told James is that I was doing this all alone because Danny was gone and he's with his father.

Son of a bitch.

Good news, everybody. Loretta wants the apartment.

This is perfect. We both need a fresh start, dear.

There has been a misunderstanding.

I'd like to offer you 10% over asking.

The apartment is yours. Do you hear that, Danny? Hallelujah.

Mindy, I'm so glad that you could sell your apartment to a fellow widow.

It's nice that there's some good that can come from Danny's... I want to say, his accident.

Oh, yeah.

And Mindy, I didn't want to seem too forward when we first met, but I think you should come to our bereavement group tonight.

I mean, it's just a safe space where you can talk about loss.

And we got desserts, and they're good now that the gluten-free widow is remarried.

Amen. And I can bring the deposit check.

Well, I think that sounds great. And fun.

And sad, of course.

Bye.

Bye.

Mindy.

You're joining a bereavement group to sell your apartment?

This is worse than when you pretended to help in Hurricane Katrina to get on the cover of your alumni magazine.

Obviously I did not mean for this to happen, Peter, okay?

By the way, when did you become morals police, Upskirt King of New Hampshire?

Hey.

I'll have you know that those upskirt sh*ts are the reason I became a gynecologist.

And this isn't about me.

What are you going to do when they ask how Danny d*ed?

I will tell them that he was a stunt double who d*ed in a motorcycle accident.

Who would Danny be a stunt double for? Anna Kendrick?

This is wrong. You need to fix it.

Fine. I'll go to that meeting tonight and I'll tell the truth.

And I'll meet you at a bar afterwards.

How about I go with you to make sure you do the right thing?

Damn it.

Wasn't really going to do it.

I know, it was painfully obvious.

Tamra was right. These people are too cool for us.

No one has complemented my chili pepper shirt.

Hey, everybody.

Whoo!

I'm Tamra Webb, and once again I'm here to share a shard of my shattered heart.

Both: Ooh!

♪ You came into my life ♪
♪ But you left me just as quick ♪
♪ Who knew your heart was small ♪
♪ Like your tiny beady eyes ♪
♪ And the gap between your teeth ♪
♪ Was filled with little lies ♪

Morgan, does that guy sound familiar to you?

He sounds like a real lady-k*ller.

♪ You once were a blessing ♪
♪ And now you are a curse ♪
♪ Why'd I ever date ♪
♪ A damn male nurse ♪

Wait. I'm a male nurse.

Yeah.

I got a gap in my tooth.

Mm-hmm.

I got beady eyes.

Yep.

Get in there, tell the truth, and then we need to find a club that lets in uggos like us.

I'm going it. Give me a second.

Hi, James.

Hey, Mindy.

Thanks so much for coming.

Listen, before we get started, I've got some group business that I want to go over very quickly.

Gather around, please, come on. Gather around.

As you all know, I'm executive creative director for Nike.

What?

What's that now?

And tonight I'll be co-hosting a party with some NBA players and the Knicks City Dancers and I'd be honored if I could have all my bereavement group peeps as my special guests.

Oh, thank you.

You're very welcome.

Sure, great.

And it looks like we have some new faces to meet. Mindy?

I have to confess.

My name is Peter, and my wife is dead too.

♪ I still smell your grandmother's house sometimes ♪
♪ When I'm walking by wet cardboard ♪

She wasn't embarrassed of us.

She was embarrassed that I'd find out she's still madly in love with me.

What do I do, Colette?

Wait until the show is over and talk privately about it?

Colette. Idiot.

Tamra.

Oh, God.

Tam.

Morgan.

Excuse me, so sorry. Tamra. Tamra.

Everyone, I'm Morgan. I'm the damn male nurse from the song.

Morgan, stop it. You don't know what you're doing.

No, Tam, for the first time in my life, I know exactly what I'm doing.

Oh! Ah, my kneecap!

Oh. Come on. Aah!

Everything's breaking.

Peter, how did your wife pass?

If that's something you'd like to share.

My wife was a stunt woman, and she was tragically k*lled on set in a motorcycle accident.

Really?

The saddest part was that the scene never even made it in to "The Intern."

Wow. That is amazing.

Now Mindy, do you have anything you'd like to share?

Nah, I'll pass.

Well, everybody's gone already.

I d... I don't... okay.

Um, my fiance Danny d*ed... on Everest.

Oh, on what expedition?

I teach Himalayan studies at NYU.

Oh, you do? What a cool coincidence.

Danny actually d*ed in the movie "Everest" which they sh*t in Toronto for tax rebate reasons, so...

I see.

So both your spouses d*ed on movie sets?

I guess that's true. We never talked about that.

I didn't even put two and two together.

You know, he was a sound guy and he was holding his boom mic above Sam Worthington's head when a giant eagle flew out of nowhere and just wrapped his talons around the microphone.

He would not let go of that boom mic.

And they say he just disappeared off into the horizon.

Look, I know that it sounds implausible, but he wasn't a very big man.

This is him.

Oh, you must miss him so much.

I do, actually. I think about him constantly.

Every night when I walk into my apartment I think he's going to be there, but he's not.

It's actually been really nice talking about it here.

Well, thanks, Mindy, for sharing.

So Cheryl.

Still carrying around Dwayne's ashes with you everywhere?

Ho, sh*t just got real.

What the hell are you doing?

I told you not to come to this.

I know, I know, but now you're glad that I did and we're together again and I just...

Get off me. Your breath smells like metal.

You just sung about my breath in "Metal Breath."

I thought it was good.

No, Morgan, It's all fake.

I'm just using the details of our breakup to be more relatable. Like Taylor Swift does.

Poor Taylor Swift.

When I think about what these creeps have done to her...

See? Taylor Swift's a genius.

She's a rich, white model and even your poor ass feels bad for her because she sings about getting dumped, and that's what I have to do.

I tried singing about how I can't gain weight no matter how much I eat and I got straight up hit with a tomato.

You know what? You're right.

Why would a perfect ten like you be in love with someone like me?

I'm just a nine. Nine and a half.

I'm sorry to ruin your show.

Hey, I got some...

I don't want the water.

It's from the sink.

Hey, it's fine when Taylor Swift does what you're doing, because the guys she dates are monsters who deserve to be taken down a peg, but Morgan, he doesn't have any pegs.

That's actually a good idea for a song.

Listen, I'm going to tell you what you told me when I sat down on that couch full of bed bugs.

You better check yourself.

[sighs]

♪ Yeah, hol up, hol up ♪
♪ Hol up, we Dem boyz ♪
♪ Hol up, we Dem boyz ♪
♪ Hol up, hol up, hol up we makin' noise ♪
♪ Hol up, hol up, hol up, hol up, hol up ♪

Hey, Mindy, check it out.

These basketball players are coaching me.

Okay, look. Just sh**t it nice and easy.

Okay. Nice and...

Oh, no.

You did your best, Peter.

I bet your wife is just smiling down on you right now.

Thanks, guys. Come on, Mindy.

They're about to put me over their head.

Oh, my God. Kate Middleto... ah.

Whoa. He's eating a sundae with Tiger Woods.

Hey, babe! I'm at this cool party! Isn't that 100?!

Hey, you feeling okay?

You're missing a great party out there.

I don't think Danny would mind you doing keg stands with Apolo Ohno, huh?

Apolo Ohno is here?

Yeah, look at him go.

Oh, he's my favorite mixed-race celebrity.

God, James, you know so many cool and famous people.

One time Julianne Moore ran over me with her skateboard.

Highlight of my 2012.

You know, she and I used to date back in the day.

What?

Mm-hmm.

Broke up with her and she bit me.

I have to tell you something.

Mm-hmm.

I shouldn't be part of your bereavement group anymore.

I haven't been totally honest with you.

I know.

You do?

I feel the same way.

Mm, mm, okay. Okay, okay, no, no, no, no, no.

We cannot do that. No.

Well, look, I mean, we're allowed to love again.

My fiance is not dead.

Not dead.

He's in California.

I made the whole thing up. Except that he is tiny.

That part is true. I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna go.

Wait, I don't under...

I'm so sorry.

No, no, no, wait one second.

You lied to us? Why would you lie?

Oh, oh, wait, wait.

Was this some sob story so you could sell your apartment?

Yeah, a little bit.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I'm going to tell my husband to haunt you.

Have you ever seen a Hispanic ghost?

No.

Well, you're gonna.

Okay, listen. I'm very sorry.

I'm just so lonely and it was nice to have some people who actually wanted to listen to me.

Peter, let's go. The jig is up.

How could she do this to us? We're grieving.

Are you serious?

I'm as serious as the motorcycle accident that claimed my wife's life on the set of "The Intern."

Okay.

Well, I guess I'll leave by myself.

One day I think we're gonna look back on this and we're gonna laugh.

I have never seen anything so shameful and I come from the combined worlds of corporate finance and professional sports.

How was the rest of the concert?

You didn't miss much. I ended up making out with the headliner, but then I had to buy her CD.

Sounds like you two had a delightful evening.

We did.

Yeah, I'd love you to show me some photos on Facebook.

Okay.

Oh, hold on a second, you can't... because someone stole all of our computers.

I mean, if you want to see photos I have 'em on my phone right...

I don't want to see photos, Colette!

Easy.

Whoa!

Apparently, instead of meeting Gordon the waste removal guy here last night, someone just propped open the door and left a note saying, "Gordon, do your thing.

Please lock up, no one is here to watch you."

Why would Gordon want our computers?

He already tried to sell me a trunk full of computers last week. Oh.

So, who's gonna fess up?

I did it, Dr. Reed.

I was supposed to meet Gordon last night and I blew it off for my music gig.

Tamra...

From now on you shall have to personally escort all the medical waste to the toxin barge in the Gowanus Canal. And that is my decree.

Hey.

I can help. I know that canal real well.

I get all my sweatshirts out of there.

Nah, it's okay. I'll do it.

I've taken advantage of you and Colette long enough.

Tam, I was wrong last night.

We're both 10s.

Wow, Tamra, that was a pretty cool thing to do for a guy you don't care about at all.

Yeah, it was cool 'cause I barely think about him all the time.

Hey, Mindy, what happened to you last night?

You didn't say good-bye after I betrayed you.

Were you out partying for 24 hours straight?

Those basketball players, they can drink 'cause they're so tall.

[knock at door]

Excuse me.

What kind of Sand-o you got rocking here?

Don't touch that.

Too late.

Lauren? What are you doing here?

Hey, my wife.

Hey, here's something weird.

Look what I found online last night.

Apparently, I'm dead. There's a scholarship in my name at Tulane now, so that's nice.

That is very nice. That's a positive thing.

Hi. I love you.

Hi. Uh-huh.

What happened was...

Mindy was pretending that Danny was dead so she could sell the apartment.

Oh, Mindy and Danny.

Of course. Well, that figures.

Huh? What figures?

I think what Lauren's trying to say is that you guys have, like, a... chaotic dynamic, you know?

Like a storm, it sucks everybody in that's around it... I'm not helping.

I'm sorry, do you think that we have a bad relationship?

No, that's not what I'm saying.

I mean, Peter has said that, but, you know, lots of people have.

Yeah, please, they're just jealous because Danny and I are Couple of the Year.

On the cover of "Scientific American" and "Hustler."

Then where is he?

Peter, I'm gonna wait downstairs.

Do you really think that Danny and I have a bad relationship?

No. Not always. I just...

Why didn't you tell me that?

You're my friend!

I don't know.

I mean... maybe 'cause you let him call all the sh*ts, you moving in to his apartment, you're selling your sweet-ass place, you're raising your son Catholic, and then Danny ditches you and now he's not telling you when he's coming back?

Okay, yes.

When you say it like that, it's very damning, but that's only because Danny is the one in our relationship that makes all the decisions.

Uh-huh.

And then I kind of abide by them.

Look, I'm in a relationship with someone who controls everything and I like it that way.

I need it that way.

If I wasn't with Lauren, I'd weigh 300 pounds and literally masturbate constantly.

God.

You don't need a babysitter.

You don't need to be the Peter of your relationship.

Oh, God, Peter, when did this happen?

I don't know. I'm sorry to drop truth bombs on you and then ghost, but Lauren's waiting.

I picked something up for you last night at the party.

I saw these and they reminded me of you.

They are bold, tough, and totally inappropriate for work.

Cool.

Don't go back to Texas.

Buddy, I gots to.

Bye. You're gonna be okay.

[door opens, closes]

[somber music]

♪ ♪

Hey, we need to talk. Right now.

Not a good time. Can it wait?

No, Danny, it can't. I'm calling you.

[line trilling]

[muffled "Fat Bottomed Girls" plays in hall]

♪ Oh, down beside that red firelight ♪
♪ Are you gonna let it all hang out? ♪
♪ Fat bottomed girls ♪
♪ You make the rockin' world go round ♪

He's home.

♪ Oh, won't you take me home tonight? ♪
♪ Fat bottomed girls ♪
♪ You make the rockin world go round ♪