01x07 - Buckingham Malice

[bunniefuu]

Will the Magistrate's Court of London please come to order?

Applying the queen's law to this matter, the jury finds Reginia Stillwell... guilty on two counts of public tomfoolery (gallery gasping) and one count of brazen harlotry.

Barrister Cromwell, very impressive work.

To you the same, sire.

I haven't seen you around these parts.

You must have studied under Mitchard Grinder at Cambridge.

I'd recognize his tutelage anywhere.

You have a keen eye, Barrister Heath.

I did not study under Mitchard Grinder...

(gallery gasping)

For I am... Mitchard Grinder.

Dear God!

Why here? Why now?

Because I needed to escape the shadow of myself, Barrister Heath.

Because I got tired of winning on my name alone.

Because I got tired of winning simply... because I am The Grinder.

I wanted to win because justice needed me to.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

I have a lorry to catch.

♪

(turns off TV)

"Buckingham Malice."

One of my favorite episodes.

It really underscored the character's nobility.

He slept with that guy's wife while wearing his face.

I think that's illegal.

Not in Europe.

So he was just walking around with a fake face on.

Maybe we all walk around with fake faces on, Stew.

You should think about that.

You know, Dean, just because you walk away after you say something, it doesn't mean you made a point.

But it really does help.

Maybe you should think about that, too.

Okay, that-that's a good point.

Yeah, thank you, Dad. You walk away, and I'll just think about both of those... both of those great points.

Stewart: Uh... one last quick thing... I'd like to have all the week's business closed by Friday at noon.

Ooh, that's a tight deadline. Can I ask why?

He's taking Deb up to the mountains for a, uh...

What's a delicate way to say "sex vacation"?

Oh, God.

And now we don't need the answer to that.

"Intimate getaway." Just thought of it.

Thank you, Dean.

Uh, any other business?

Um, who here wears socks?

Because I have a bunch of free socks.

I love socks!

Todd: I wish I could wear socks. I got this foot thing.

Where'd-where'd you get all the, all the socks, Dean?

I was looking at socks at the store, and they gave me a bunch, you know.

Just gave 'em to you?

Mm-hmm.

And that seems normal to you?

If you blow this for me, Stew...

I'm not gonna blow a thing, Dad. I love free socks. I...

You know what? Never mind.

No, I will always mind. What are you trying to say?

It's just... you keep saying that you left this show to come back home and live a normal life.

But your life is-is not normal.

Is that true, guys?

You are not even remotely normal.

Todd: You don't want to be normal, Dean.

Trust me, it's horrible.

You know what? They're right, Todd.

You know, I came here... to leave that all behind... and yet I haven't.

From now on, no more free stuff.

No more swag, no more velvet ropes, no more late-night Boggle with Paul Giamatti.

From this moment on...

I'm a regular guy.

I think that's good.

I'm gonna... we're gonna...

Yeah. All right, thank you.

All right.

Next.

Please, allow me.

Uh... three lattes for Dean.

You got it.

Stewart: Nailed it.

Debbie: Yeah, you-you did great.

And to think, I had an assistant who was doing this for me every morning, when I could've been doing it myself.

Well, Dean, you're gonna love it here... there's lines everywhere.

Debbie: Hey, speaking of assistants, my new assistant is starting today, just in time for our weekend getaway.

How long do you think this one's gonna last?

I've had some bad luck with assistants.

Three in the last year.

Do you think I'm too hard on them?

No, you're not too hard on them.

You're just, you're particular.

For me, I think a firm leash and a loose grip is the way to go.

I mean, it will look really bad if I fire anybody else this year, so loose leash it is, I guess.

No, no, no.

Firm leash.

Firm leash. Loose grip.

Hmm.

Debbie: So, welcome. Happy first day.

Pretty much everything you need to know is in that e-mail I sent this weekend. Um, of course, that's just a blueprint.

Okay.

I'm not trying to micromanage you or anything, so... if you think of a better way to do something, just, you know, riff on it.

Uh-huh. Oh, my God, is that from that truck downtown? They make the best coffee.

Oh, my God. I know, right?

No, I'm obsessed with it.

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, I wish I still lived on that side of town.

Well, I live right by this place, and I go there almost every day, so why don't I bring you a cup tomorrow?

No, I couldn't ask you to do that.

No, please, I'd be so hap...

Wow! You are the coolest boss!

That's kind of what I was going for, so...

So I would love a triple machiato with one and a half pumps of hazelnut, not two, and if they could do a side cup with just the foam, that would be awesome.

Is that a thing?

Do you want to write this down?

Uh...

You know, actually, I'll write it down.

I'm your assistant. I can do it.

(fake chuckle)

Okay. Thanks for that.

Stewart: Okay, last week you said it was gonna be ready on Tuesday, and on Tuesday, you said it was gonna be ready today, so today, what are you saying?

Monday.

Monday is not gonna work for me, Farouk.

I'm supposed to go away with my wife this weekend.

Take her car.

Her car doesn't have snow tires.

And we're going up into the mountains.

Bring it in. I'll put snow tires on.

I'm not gonna give you both of my cars, Farouk.

Bro, you're screaming now.

(loudly): I'm not...

Okay, listen... we haven't been away without the kids in a while, and I just want to take her on a kind of, um...

(whispers): A sex vacation.

Yeah, it... it's a sex vacation.

Being normal has been so enlightening.

You seem so connected, Uncle Dean.

Your entire vibe has become much more approachable.

At lunch, this restaurant wanted to seat me right away, but I said "no," and I waited 45 minutes.

Here, I took pictures.

That's a guy named Ron. Huh?

How real is that?

It's almost too real.

Stop sign! Stop sign! Stop sign!

Dean, that was a stop sign!

(siren wailing)

Oh, man.

Sir, do you know why we pulled you over?

I kind of rolled through that stop sign, didn't I?

That's a generous way of putting it.

Get his license.

Yes, I know, Strauss.

I'm gonna ask for his license.

Can I see your license, please?

Wait. Are... are you The Grinder?

Once upon a time.

This is really embarrassing, but my wife and I have this free pass thing where we both get to pick a celebrity.

Yeah, and I'm hers?

Um... yeah.

You should, you should give him his license back now, Collins.

So are we free to go, Officer?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

When someone who's not me drives through a stop sign, what would you do?

Well, I would give them a ticket.

In that case, kind sir, I would like one ticket.

Dean.

No way. I-I can't do that.

The Grinder is my favorite sh... my wife's favorite show. She-she loves it.

Yesterday, I would have just kept on driving.

I wouldn't even have looked back.

But now, I've made a commitment to this man, and my word is sacred.

I want the ticket.

I need the ticket.

I respect that. Okay.

Write it right-right there. Write "The Grinder."

What the heck are you doing?

Is it gonna be a huge nightmare to take care of it?

Not if you just go online and pay it.

A lot of people make it harder for themselves and try to fight it.

Regular people do that?

Yeah, they all of a sudden think they're lawyers, and want to have their day in court.

Oh, no.

Their day in court.

(chuckles) Interesting.

Good morning. In an effort to save time, you should know my husband's a cop, my dad's a cop.

99% of the time, I'm going to take the cop's word over yours.

(gallery groaning)

Well, hello. Mr. Sanderson.

My lucky day. So, what brings you here?

I believe that I was given this ticket in error.

I'm inclined to believe you, but we still have to do this.

Is the officer here?

Yup. On my day off.

Missing my son's championship soccer game.

Objection. Irrelevant.

Rossmyre: Sustained.

Can we get to it?

Yeah, uh, he blew through the stop sign.

I gave him a ticket. Pretty cut and dry.

Objection. It may have been cut, but it certainly wasn't dry.

Your Honor, I would like to call eyewitness Stewart Sanderson to the stand.

Ugh, we don't have a stand.

You can just do it from right there.

Your Honor, I would like to call eyewitness Stewart Sanderson to this general area.

Your Honor.

Dean: Mr. Sanderson, could you describe for the court what you witnessed when I was given this ticket?

Stewart: Sure.

The officer pulled you over, and when he recognized you from The Grinder, he refused to give you a ticket.

Then you begged him for one, 'cause you're on some kick about being a regular guy, and he ultimately obliged.

He. Ultimately. Obliged.

Your Honor, this isn't about a ticket.

It's even less about running a stop sign.

What this is about is justice.

For all people.

And wouldn't you agree, Mr. Sanderson, that people are what make this country great?

It would be hard not to.

So for the record, that's a "yes"?

Yes. People make this country great.

Well, I think Officer Collins would fight you on that.

Apparently, he thinks people with TV shows are more great than those who tragically don't have them.

Hmm?

Your Honor, I move to have every single ticket ever written by Officer Collins thrown into the garbage.

Garbage?

Okay, well, I can't really do all that.

But how about if I just throw out yours?

What?

Great. That's perfect.

For-for a start.

Stewart: You said Friday, remember?

Farouk?

Farouk?

Hey.

That Armenian mechanic still jerking you around?

Well, we don't know if he's Armenian, Dad, but yes, he's still jerking me around.

Ask your brother to help.

No.

No way, Dad. That's a... that's a non-starter for me.

Besides, Dean's still on this... whatever it is, proving that he's normal.

You're the one who pushed him into that position.

I did. Yeah.

Deano! Your brother needs a favor.

You know what? I don't, actually.

I'm-I'm fine.

Stop acting like a baby.

Just ask the favor.

Dean...

Let me stop you right there.

Does this favor, in any way, involve me using my celebrity for personal gain?

Yes, but...

If the answer is yes, I'm afraid my answer is no.

I'd like to help.

But I've left that life behind, and I cannot imagine going back.

It's been two days, Dean.

The man has made a commitment.

Now you're gonna fault him for it?

I'm gonna miss my trip.

I'm gonna miss it.

Why don't you just trick him?

Trick him?

How am I gonna trick him into helping me with the mechanic?

I don't know.

How do I trick my dog into going to the vet?

It's easy.

Huh.

Morning, Deb.

Oh, morning.

Hey, listen, so I'm gonna kind of throw you into the fire today.

There's 80 contacts in a shared folder on your desktop called "Vendors." I'm gonna need you to call them...

Sorry, I'm just having a really hard time focusing 'cause I haven't had a coffee. Is that mine?

Oh. Yeah, it is.

Here's your... hazelnut...

Yes.

...and the side of foam.

Sorry about that.

No, it's totally fine.

So, I'm gonna need the spreadsheets to reflect the...

Ooh! (laughs)

This kind of tastes like two full pumps of hazelnut.

Remember, I said pump and a half?

Yeah, I do remember.

Uh, and I watched, and it's definitely a pump and a half.

This is definitely two. Maybe even two-plus.

Well, now I feel bad.

It happens.

How 'bout I... bring you another cup tomorrow, to make up for my... horrendous mistake?

That's really sweet.

I'm just, like, trying to figure out how I'm gonna make it through today.

'Cause of the coffee.

Exactly. You get it.

I do.

Debbie: And then I ended up updating all the spreadsheets.

Well, hon, you should've gotten her the right amount of pumps.

I mean, she was pretty clear about it.

She's making my life so much harder.

Now I'm getting her coffee every morning and I'm doing her work for her.

And you're stressing about it.

Yeah, I'm stressing about it.

I'm trying to get all this work done before we leave for the weekend but I can't do my work because I'm trying to do a good job for her?

I... She flipped it on me somehow.

You gotta flip it back.

How?

You have to inject a little fear into the equation.

Okay, I like this.

She's getting a little too comfortable.

Yeah.

Right? So she's got to know that the rug can be pulled out from her at any minute.

And that you're the one who's gonna be you know, doing the... the pulling.

Except I can't, because I already pulled two rugs, and I'm afraid that Dandro's gonna think that I'm the problem.

You just let her know that you can pull the rug.

So, my hand's on the rug...

Your hand's on the rug.

And I'm looking at her, yeah.

That's way scarier than a rug pull.

It's the potential, 'cause you don't know when that's coming.

Mm, yeah.

Then you never get comfortable.

Yeah, run, go get my coffee.

You can do this, Deb.

You just got to flip it on her.

Just like I'm gonna flip it on Farouk.

Yeah, you are.

Who's Farouk?

So, you sure it's not ready?

I told you very clearly on the phone, ready next week.

Wow, our-our wires must've gotten crossed, Farouk.

Because my brother, he gave me a ride.

He came all the way down here. He's in the car over there, have a look, in the car right there.

That's my brother and he gave me a ride to the shop, because that's what normal people do.

They give each other rides when the cars are ready.

Why didn't you tell me The Grinder was your brother?

Because I would never exploit my brother's celebrity in that way.

How dare you suggest that!

I see what's happening here.

For the brother of The Grinder, ready tomorrow.

(chuckles) Free of charge!

Farouk, that's very nice.

I really appreciate it.

Boy, that is just so easy.

Assistant: No, Bridget is out of control.

No, she honestly needs to take a look in the mirror and take a step back and get back to reality.

Yeah, bye.

Hey, Deb.

Why are you in here?

Why are you in my office right now?

It is just so loud out there.

And these calls are so important.

I just don't want the vendors thinking that they're anything less than our first priority.

Mm, wow, okay, well, first of all, please don't talk to the vendors about your friend Bridget.

Noted.

And secondly, I'm here now, so... (whistles)

Got it. Yeah, no, I literally have five more calls to make and then it's all yours.

I feel like we need to have a conversation about boundaries.

'Okay, here's the deal. I'm the boss.

Mm-hmm.

You're the assistant.

Mm-hmm.

And if you have a problem with that, maybe this just isn't the right fit.

Hmm. But you can't fire me, right?

Well... why?

You've gone through, like, three assistants in the past six months. I mean, that'd almost look bad on you, no?

Stewart: Dean, I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say.

You tricked me, Stewart, like you would trick a dog into going to the vet.

Well, that-that seems...

The deception you perpetrated on me is unforgivable.

So you can at least promise me one thing.

Okay.

When you're with Deb at the cabin this weekend, you make it about her.

I plan to.

'Cause if you don't, I will go ape on you.

Car's all set.

Oh, great, thank you.

Where's, uh, where's Farouk?

His appendix burst last night. He's in the hospital.

Oh, my gosh.

Well, please pass on our...

Not condolences. That's... that's not right.

No.

Nobody d*ed.

That would be too much, it's too much.

Um, well, we trust you to strike the right tone.

Hey!

(siren chirps)

What did I do?

Are you getting pulled over by this guy?

No, I don't know, this is unbelievable.

You didn't do anything wrong.

What'd I do?

Huh.

Look who it is.

Hey, Officer Collins.

Uh, did your son win his game?

Yeah, he did actually. Scored the winning goal.

Great.

I wasn't there.

But at least his stepdad got to see it.

So, not a total loss.

Hmm. I just got a report that you sped off from a car repair establishment without paying.

Officer, we can explain.

We had his go-ahead.

Farouk said it was okay.

Had the okay.

The car was supposed to be ready on Tuesday.

And then he...

Free.

Did it fast for us.

He said "Free," you know, "you can take it."

Step out of the car, both of you.

But first, you have to promise that what I said about you in court won't influence how you treat us today.

Out of the car.

He's not promising.

Yeah. Great. Thank you.

Couldn't get in touch with Dad.

But I left a message with our assistant.

Well, while you were wasting your time with that, I got it solved.

You got in touch with Farouk?

Not exactly, but Todd's on his way to hospital.

Todd?

Of everyone in the office, you got in touch with Todd?

Who would you have me call?

I don't know... Dad, Claire, the receptionist, Ethan?

Do you want results?

Because I don't know anyone who's more due for a win than Todd.

Hello.

I'm Todd Volcheck from Sanderson & Yao.

And is this the room of, uh, Farouk... oh, uh, God, I'm gonna butcher this... uh, Ma-ha...

Da... Na-danian?

Farouk Manda... danian?

(whispering): I can't believe that guy just defecated in front of us.

It's a power play, plain and simple, and it worked.

You know, we wouldn't be in this position had you not deceived me.

That cop would've let us go if you hadn't humiliated him in court.

You know we're gonna be here all night now? My trip is ruined.

Maybe I'm just not built for regular life.

No, Dean.

Maybe I was too hard on you.

Maybe you should just accept who you are.

God, you teach me so much.

You know what?

I think you taught me a few things, too.

Excuse me?

Hello?

Yes, Officer?

Do you recognize this man?

Sure, he's The Grinder.

My celebrity free pass!

Thank you.

So you're aware that when he gets out tomorrow, this place is gonna be crawling with reporters.

Yeah?

But you're not gonna be the guard standing next to him in those photos, are you?

It'd be the morning shift guy.

It'll be the morning shift guy.

Officer, do you really want the morning shift guy to be the one on the news taking the cuffs off of The Grinder?

Or do you want a story that you can tell people for the rest of your life?

(woman shouts indistinctly)

Reporter: Grinder, over here! Grinder!

Reporter 2: What was it like in the big house?

Over here, Grinder!

(crowd cheering, clamoring)

Stop.

This just doesn't feel right.

Dean, trust me, this is right.

When this used to happen to me on the show, I would gather the creative team, and I would sit them down and tell them, "We have lost the thread.

"We need to get back to The Grinder's one core principle."

And what was that exactly?

What makes The Grinder The Grinder is that he never gets by on just being The Grinder.

He proves it.

Every second of every day with every decision.

Absolute integrity.

Well, that's a lot of pressure.

I know.

That's why he did heroin that one time.

I thought he didn't know he was doing heroin.

I think he knew.

What are you saying?

I'm going back in there.

Wha...? Why?

Because, Stew, I gave our cellmates a story that they will tell for the rest of their lives about an actor who defends the law on television, but thinks he's above it in real life.

I'm gonna rewrite that story.

Show that we're all the same.

It's actually pretty noble.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I'll be here for you when you get out.

Actually, I won't. I'll still be at the cabin.

But, um, like, Monday.

Write to me.

Dean, you're gonna be out way before a letter gets here.

It's, like, overnight, Dean.

We're good?

A smuggled cell phone could be helpful.

I-I don't know how I would smuggle a cell phone in to you.

Never stop fighting!

(crowd cheering)

Stop fighting what?

I have no idea.

Hey.

You all set? I got the car.

So you flipped it on Farouk?

Yeah, totally flipped it. How about you?

How was your flip thing with, uh, what's her name?

Yeah, yeah, great. I flipped her good.

Nice.

And then she flipped it right back.

What, Deb?

I know, honey, I'm sorry.

But, look, we're gonna make it, I promise.

Why are you so late?

You didn't get my message?

From jail? I was in jail.

What? Who was in jail?

I was. I called you.

Assistant: Are you taking off right now?

'Cause if you're taking off, I think I'm gonna take off, too.

Laura?

Did my husband call by any chance?

From jail?

Oh, yes.

Deb, your husband called from jail.

So, my husband called from jail, and you forgot to tell me?

Ooh, sorry about that.

It won't happen again. (laughs)

(clears throat)

You know what? I think I am gonna take off.

Great, 'cause I think I'm actually gonna take off, too.

Oh, my God, you totally should.

But before you do that, you should grab all the crap out of your desk and take it with you.

And then on Monday when you wake up and you think, "Oh, my God, I should go to work," you shouldn't come.

Wait, what?

I'm pulling the rug, Laura, right out from under you.

You got rug-pulled.

I'm Stewart, by the way.

I'm Deb's husband.

Oh, hey, Laura, nice to meet you.

Yeah, we spoke on the phone.

That's right. Right.

Uncle Dean!

Are you okay?

Yeah.

You all right?

Yeah.

I'm fine.

In spite of having to do things I never thought I'd have to do to survive in there.

Uh-oh.

Like eat processed food.

Oh.

So, I say we go to a nice restaurant, and in all likelihood, get a free meal.

I love it!

Yeah!

I thought you weren't taking any more freebies.

You know, Lizzie, I learned some things in there.

Much like Martin Luther King when he was jailed.

I learned that fame is not just a privilege.

It's a responsibility.

And I owe it to the people who made me famous to remain famous.

Wow.

I'm even more proud of you now than when you made that opposite choice yesterday.

Yeah, me, too, Ethan. Me, too.