07x11 - Adios y Bienvenidos

[bunniefuu]

All right, gentlemen, we have on the table a three-way trade between Ruxin, Kevin and the Coin.

Ruxin gives Jarvis Landry to Kevin...

Yes.

...Kevin gives Mark Ingram to the Coin and to Ruxin the Coin gives...

Cam Newton.

Cam Newton.

Here we go.

And the Coin accepts those terms.

Great.

(phone ringing)

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

Hola.

¿Qué?

I can't understand you.

Call back later, bye.

Sofia's mom.

Okay, I'll put all the details in an e-mail and send it to you guys, but first, I want to make sure that you're not gonna welch.

I don't welch on deals.

You welch, Ruxin!

You're a prodigious welcher.

That is not true.

Coin says, "Totally true."

'Cause the Coin knows.

Thank you very much, my good man.

He got us a reservation at Rajasthan.

This place isn't even open yet, and they're booked for two months.

Yeah. By the time it's open, Sofia will be home and we can go out together and celebrate her refurbished downstairs.

Oh, I guess we're telling people now.

Telling everyone. It's so cool.

(phone ringing)

You know, I'm still kind of pissed that she didn't come to me, right?

What?

Hola.

'Cause she isn't creepy.

Andre: I'm not a creep, I'm a doctor.

Would you want anyone...

I can't hear you.

Bye-bye.

All I'm saying is, when you come to me, I don't make a judgment about your lifestyle, I just support...

Oh, my God. I know.

You could always work on Jenny.

Or, if you wanted to make Kevin really happy, you could fix Pete's little calamari.

Okay.

I'd do it.

(phone chimes)

Kevin: What?

Andre: No judgment.

Oh, Jesus, she's texting me now.

I'm a professional...

(voices fading away)

...really cool technology from Japan right now...

Kevin: Ruxin, where are you going?

Yeah, you left your phone.

(knocking)

Jenny: Ruxin?

Hey, Ruxin?

Kevin: Coming in, buddy.

Jenny: Hey.

We tried to call you all night last night.

Hey, how you doing?

(sighs)

Oh, boy.

What happened?

She went in for her mommy makeover procedure and she... she never... she never came out.

Oh, my gosh.

She was just trying to tighten herself up for you and she just slipped away.

What a tragedy.

I mean, she was so hot.

I'll never find anybody better.

Oh, no.

That's for sure.

I mean, look at you.

You've got those little beady eyes and scowly mouth...

Kevin: Okay. All right.

Okay, man, just... be strong.

Enough.

Hey.

I know you feel like you're alone, but we're all here to support you.

That's why I made you this condolence hummus.

My own tears are mixed in with the cumin.

You know, just leave it out as a snack, and when you dip your little carrot stick in, think of me as that hummus, filling you up and holding you tight from the inside.

I don't even have the mental wherewithal to make a gay joke out of this.

There's so many things I want to say to you.

Just choose one and then shuffle on.

You know, if Sofia came to me...

Andre, stop.

All right.

Number one in Chicago.

I'm just saying.

I got that for a reason...

Enough.

Guys, I just want you to know that, as stupid and misguided as your attempts are to make me feel better, I really appreciate you guys being here right now.

And I'm embarrassed to say this, but I don't think I can set my lineup this week.

Don't worry about that.

Oh, Ruxin, don't even think about that right now.

No problem.

So... I guess I'll just, like, take a win this week and then we can go from there next week?

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Yeah. No, do that.

Yeah.

Uh...

Did he say give him a win?

Pete: Yeah. I mean... is that sufficient grounds to give him a win?

Do we have to do this?

Peter!

The guy just lost his wife.

You're saying that because you're playing him this week.

Am I?

I didn't realize...

That being said, how many weeks would we give him wins?

Uh, why do you ask, Jenny?

Is that because you're playing him next week?

Guys, listen to me, okay?

This is about taking as much crap off Ruxin's plate as possible, like that stupid trade the Coin made me do that I don't want to do and now I'm not gonna do it.

What?

You're welching.

No, I'm thinking about my friend whose wife just d*ed.

Look, guys, real quick, before he comes back, I don't mean to be callous here, but how certain are we that he's not... making this up?

Are you saying he's using sympathy to eke out some wins?

I mean, think about it.

Wouldn't you?

To win the whole thing?

Kevin!

No. No, I would never do that.

(door opens)

(sobbing): Oh, she's gone!

Oh, Tall Guy!

Oh, she's gone.

She's in Heaven, Tall Guy.

I made some hummus.

Oh.

That looks delicious.

Yeah, it is.

I just don't think I could have sex with food right now.

I'm so sad.

Okay.

Oh, wait, where's Ruxin?

He's in the shower.

Shower.

He's in the shower?

Okay.

I'm coming, Ruxin!

No, no. No...

No.

I'll be right there!

We can grieve her together!

(Ruxin shrieks)

Ruxin: What are you doing in here?

Do you have a boner?

Rafi: It's a grief boner.

Oh...

Salesman: Now, if I were you, this is the one I would choose, the 20-gauge silver hammertone.

It's $990.

I'm just gonna stop this right now and tell you there is no body.

What do you mean, there's no body?

Sofia's papi won't turn over her body to me, so we are going to have an empty coffin.

I want a simple, wooden coffin.

(watch beeping)

All right?

Lunchtime.

What?

It's time for my sandwich and banana.

Can we just finish this coffin...

My sandwich and banana.

Kevin: We're in the middle of something here, sir.

Lunchtime only comes once a day.

Is that a lunch box?

Good luck with your wife.

Kevin: Wow.

What is going on here?

I'm sorry.

This... this whole thing's gotta be rough.

(sighs)

And look, the last time we spoke, we talked about that trade?

Don't even worry about that.

Put that out of your mind.

No, I'm not gonna welch on the deal.

No, you can welch.

You have carte welch privileges.

Look, I don't want any special treatment from you guys right now.

Okay.

You know, besides the win that you already gave me.

I don't need anything more.

Right.

And if you see me adding or dropping on the waiver wire, know that I do it with a heavy heart.

Of course.

(Rafi sighs)

Sorry I'm late.

You guys didn't tell me where you were gonna go, so I had to use the GPS tracker I have in Brian's car.

Heard that Papi won't let the body go.

No! Can you talk to him?

Are you kidding?

Last time we talked, he stabbed me on the street and left me for dead.

I just want to bury my wife.

I get it, man.

We loved her.

We want to be able to put her into the ground for the rest of time.

That being said, we could bury something that was the weight of your wife.

What do you think she is, two German Shepherds and a Shih Tzu?

She's lighter than that.

I would honestly say a German Shepherd, a Boxer and a Shih Tzu.

I feel like she's a German Shepherd, a Boxer and three dead cats.

Ruxin: How dare you?

You don't think I know how much my wife weighs in dead animals?

Guys, guys, she's a half a Beethoven and a Taco Bell dog.

Let's just put it to bed.

Oh, come on, Brian!

I can't get my hands on celebrity dogs by tomorrow!

We need to k*ll local dogs!

Jesus.

How am I supposed to have a funeral with no body?

Is there anything you can do, Rafi?

I'll talk to him.

I'll see what I can do.

But in the meantime, I'm gonna get Sofia's weight in dead animals just in case.

It's just so weird, right?

I know, having a casket with no body in it?

Ooh, water.

Andre: No, it's not water...

Taco.

Mmm.

Bleh.

Tastes like pennies.

We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Sofia Ruxin.

She was a caring wife and a doting mother, but perhaps she will be most missed by her husband, Rodney, who would now like to say a few words.

No. Stop it.

I just don't know when to clap at these things.

Never. Never clap at a funeral.

Andre: He's gonna give a speech.

Kevin: Your friend's wife just d*ed.

Thanks.

(sighs)

Everyone calls me Ruxin.

Except Sofia.

She could call me Rodney.

And I let her because she was... so hot.

He's right, she was fine.

And she was so beautiful, this is such a tragedy.

The very first time that she had any work done...

Oh, please, that girl has been to "Puerto Rico" before.

It was the first time, okay?

But I don't want to focus on that right now.

I want to focus on the better times, the times I spent in love with my wife.

Love... is a journey.

Wow.

Love is a b*ttlefield.

And I want to ride it This just puts everything in perspective. all night long.

Oh, sweetheart.

It's gonna be all right.

No, it's not, I...

I can't go through with the trade.

What?

I can't.

Nothing inside me says to do it.

I have to just...

Kevin, you have to.

What are you doing?

It doesn't matter.

I'm not trading with him.

It's over.

Love is, uh...

Love has been rejected?

Why would you reject love?!

Huh?!

Everybody works so hard on getting love to happen, and then you reject it.

Why have you rejected love?!

God, why...?!

Why has everything forsaken me?!

Why is my life so much harder than everybody else's?!

Why have you cheated me this way, God?!

(Ruxin cries)

Hey, buddy.

Hey, everything's gonna be all right.

Hey, sexy, get him out of here.

(whimpering)

Some pretty intense words, spoken by my brother-in-law and third best friend, whose name I just found out is Rodney.

Sofia was...

Why? in many ways, my better half.

Why would you do this to me?

I didn't feel good about it.

I prepared some words... to say... on this occasion.

(sighs)

This is harder than I thought it was gonna be.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Rafi, I'm the...

Stop it.

What? What?

Thank you, Andre.

See, he appreciated it.

I'm the, uh, brother-lover of the deceased.

(groaning) None of us are prepared for this kind of loss, the loss of someone so young, so beautiful, so tender and supple.

When I realized she was really dead and that she wasn't gonna come back as, uh, a zombie or something cool like that, I was devastated.

I was struggling to keep my head above water.

So I reached out to the smartest man I've ever met, 'cause I knew he would know what to do--

Dirty Randy.

(tires screeching)

Randy.

Yo, Raf.

Hey.

What's happening, man?

Bad news.

Are these bees not bugging you at all?

No.

Bees only sting women on their periods.

Everybody knows that.

What are you doing here?

Dude, I need your help finding my sister.

Anywhere, anytime.

She's dead, man.

Okay.

I assume this means you k*lled her while making love to her.

Don't worry, I got my Robert Durst go-bag ready to go.

No, no, we don't...

Let's do this!

We don't need Bobby D's bag, okay?

Let's move, move, move. Are you sure?

She d*ed in Puerto Rico.

I wasn't even in the country, man.

Weird.

We don't have to cut her up into tiny pieces like we planned.

Okay, good, but I have the saw.

Awesome.

I did not pay Robert Durst $90 for that go-bag... and not negotiate a saw.

Okay, so what do we do?

First things first, man, we need to get her body back to Chicago.

And if we need to get her soul back from the netherworld, I know a really good necromancer.

So this is the plan.

Yeah.

We're gonna go to Puerto Rico, we're gonna get her body, bring it back to Chicago, so she can be buried by the man she loves.

And also her husband, Rodney Ruxin.

Whoa, whoa, she was married?

Yes.

Man, I said some incredibly inappropriate things to her.

And her husband was Jewish.

What?!

I know.

I heard they chew on your shoelaces.

Uh, I think that's goats.

Okay, good. Okay.

Yeah.

Hey, check this out.

Oh, my God. (laughs)

What is that?

Bee pubes, bro.

Dude, that's amazing.

I know, right?

It's a pubic bee beard.

It's a pubic beard of bees.

Touché.

How does it feel?

It feels like when I had crabs, only bigger.

A few of them are crawling into your pee hole, I think.

I bet I can fit, like, 12 bees in my urethra.

I bet I can fit 14 in mine.

So let me ask you, brother, are you in?

Looks like Randy and Rafi are going to Puerto Rico to steal a lady's corpse.

(grunts) Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Oh, hang on, I got the smoker.

I'll calm 'em down.

No, no, no!

That's steamed bath salts.

That will only make them more angry and cannibalistic.

Oh, no, why am I not stopping?!

Stop pumping it!

Why do I keep pumping it?!

Aah!

Yeah! (whoops)

Get out of here!

Bees, follow us!

Rafi: Dude, this is the best way to travel.

Dirty Randy: This is fully better than a regular seat on United.

Oh, yeah.

So when's the last time you were home?

It's been a while.

My old man and I, we... we never saw eye-to-eye.

Hey, Sofia, grab the duck.

I dare you.

I dare you to grab the duck. (giggles, gasps)

Get out!

Aah!

You disgust me.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, Papi, no, ow.

♪ ♪

This is called daggering, Sofia.

(grunts)

Rafi, ven aquí!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, Papi, no, ow.

Your dad sounds like a real sh*t-covered d*ck hole.

No, he's not that cool.

He's a big sh*t down here, though.

He's got San Juan wired.

The call him the generalissimo, dude.

Whoa, your dad's a general?

Well, sort of.

He's a general manager of a drug store.

What?! That's even cooler!

I know!

You can't buy ice in this town without talking to my dad.

Cool!

There she is.

Puerto Rico.

Hey, man, we're about to land.

Okay, we'd better jump, then.

(both shout)

(both groan)

I'm just glad to finally be safe and out of the U.S.A.

Hang on, what now?

Oh, I'm currently wanted in the States for tons of sh*t, looked at a list of all the countries U.S. has extradition treaties with--

Puerto Rico, not on in!

Oh, no, Puerto Rico is part of the United States.

Just like Viet-Guam.

No, if that was true, then Puerto Ricans would be Americans, and I would be a r*cist.

You know what, we're wasting time.

We got to find my sister.

Okay, how do we do this?

First we find this piece of sh*t doctor that k*lled her.

Oh, he looks exactly like a piece of sh*t.

I'm gonna be honest, I couldn't find a picture of the doctor, so I took a picture of my sh*t in scrubs.

Where'd you find those little tiny scrubs?

Oh. No, that's a four-foot sh*t.

Whoa!

Those are my shoes it's wearing.

Oh.

That old lady sitting next to it at the bus stop is for scale.

That's awesome.

Rafi: Need some help?

Oh, whoa, oh, what are you doing?

You're the guy that crushed my hand.

And now I'm the guy that's crushing your d*ck.

(groaning) You tell us what happened to my sister, or I swear to God, I will break your d*ck off!

You think we won't do it?!

We've broken the dicks off of people we like!

As a compliment!

What did you do with Sofia, you sicko?!

Tell us!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Uh, the Puerto Rican Vicodin, it didn't mix well with the horse tranquilizers.

You gave horse tranquilizers to my sister?!

No, no, that's what I was taking.

Whoa, metal hand.

You're like the guy from Game of Thrones!

Why aren't you in Westeros burying Stannis Baratheon?

Hey! I'm a season behind, okay?

No spoilers.

Stannis Baratheon is dead.

Oh no, how's Jon Snow taking that?

Oh, buddy.

I got to pee.

Can you just let me go, please?

It's really starting to back up.

I'll let go of your d*ck, as soon as you tell us where you put my sister.

Is she in Casterly Rock?!

I put her in the morgue.

Aha, the morgue.

Randy, we need to find out what a morgue is and get there.

House Lannister is the worst.

Rafi: Yeah, the worst! (groans)

Now I'm gonna need a metal penis.

If you get a metal penis, I will make you a movie star.

Rafi: Randy, let's go!

(groans)

(splashes)

That's the fifth time that's happened this month.

Okay, well, how are we gonna get her body out of the morgue?

(woman shouting) They're not gonna let us into a place like that.

Don't worry, I'll take care of this.

Two more overdoses.

Ugh, these guys have been dead for a while.

(door closes)

(gasping for air)

I told you, if we took enough dr*gs, we could successfully mimic death!

Oh, dude, you were totally right.

I owe you five bees.

Only problem is, uh, I think they started to do an autopsy on me.

Dude. (laughs)

Look, you can see my heart!

Oh, cool.

I'm touching it. (screams)

Do it again.

Poke.

(screams)

(laughs)

(screams)

Okay, we gotta stop messing around with my heart.

Okay, let's open these drawers until we find Sofia.

Come on, let's go!

Ooh, sexy dead bodies.

Ooh, hello, dead boobs.

This one's b*rned up.

This guy's d*ck is huge.

Oh, what, really?

Let's see.

Look at this hog.

Oh, man!

Floppa-floppa-floppa-floppa.

(laughs) I could do this all night.

But we gotta find Sofia.

Man: She is not here.

And you should not be here either.

Papi.

I am no longer your papi, you animal.

(groans) How'd you even know we were here?

Because a doctor told me that you att*cked his penis.

Yeah, that's not wrong.

You did the same thing when you were born.

What is it with you and doctors' penises?

They seem arrogant.

Anyway, my darling Sofia's body is being prepared for her proper funeral.

No. She should be buried in Chicago, near her husband.

Dad, he's Jewish, and it's customary for him to eat her heart.

He'll go to hell if he doesn't.

She is staying here.

And now, so will you, in a Puerto Rican prison.

What's that?

It's a prison. In Puerto Rico.

(gasps) What?

You can't do that. You can't arrest us.

I mean, we haven't even committed a crime.

Oh, no?

This guy here, Mr. Floppy, you are wanted in Illinois for crimes of video piracy, bestiality and perverting a minor animal.

That copy of 50 Shades of Grey videotaped itself, I did not have sex with that cat and if I did, she told me she was 18!

Yeah!

And there is no extradition here!

This is still the United States.

(gasps)

Why didn't you tell me that?

Dude, I did...

No, you did not.

Oh, what are you talking...

No, you did not!

Dude, this is what Dr. Reynolds said.

We need...

Nice meeting you, sir!

Oh, God-- oh, say hi to Mom!

All right.

How are we gonna get out here?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Have sex with all these dead bodies!

Fire extinguishers.

Ooh, fire extinguisher.

Much better.

Yeah.

No, your idea's good, too, though.

Thank you so much.

Ready, and...

(shouting)

Raf, you got something on your face!

I don't think so, I... whoa!

Oh, I think it went through the space where I got lobotomized before, so I'm not feeling any of it.

It's like a brain callus.

(laughs)

It's like Maria Callas.

Wait a minute.

Why do I know who Maria Callas is?

Oh, boy.

All these signs are talking to me, Randy!

That one says "exit"!

Oh, sh*t, I can read!

It's like John Travolta in Phenomenon.

Dude, I have been totally Travolta'd here.

Awesome.

(sirens approaching)

Oh, we gotta get out of here.

We gotta go! We gotta bail!

Okay.

Ow!

Wait, there's some kind of force field.

Ah!

Just keep trying!

Okay.

Ah!

Don't change anything!

Just keep trying!

Ah!

Puerto Rico, am I right?

Oh.

sh*t!

El policía!

What?

The police.

Don't you speak Spanish?

Sure.

Deténgase.

What's that now?

Deténgase...

(grunting)

Run!

Into the jungle!

Welcome to the jungle!

We got fun and... whoa!

(panting)

Okay, we ditched 'em.

(sneezes)

Ooh! I call head pole!

Okay, listen.

We can hide out in the jungle tonight.

I'll scavenge up some second harvest.

Are you a corn guy or a seeds guy?

Corn.

This is definitely the safest place to...

(screaming)

I know, I feel totally safe here...

(screaming)

(thuds)

Dirty Randy: Thanks, man.

Your d*ck broke my fall.

Rafi: All right, dude, tomorrow is a big day.

We have to find my sister's body, before my dad buries it, or else we're gonna have to spend the entire day digging that grave up!

Oh, yeah, my back could not handle that kind of yard work.

Do you want to... spoon, or...

Why don't we just fork it?

Yeah, let's fork.

(grunt) Yep.

Ooh, lock it in.

Yeah, interlock our balls...

Great.

There we go.

Hey, Raf?

Yeah.

Are you hard right now?

I got a bad case of lump d*ck.

My d*ck is covered in bee stings, so it's swollen, numb and full of poison.

I need to talk to your travel agent, 'cause you're having the trip I want to have.

Good night, Rafi.

Good night, Randy.

(growling)

Oh, my God.

Ran... Randy?

Dude, don't... don't move.

It's a chupacabra!

Yeah, I know.

He's so cute, right?

Oh, my God.

I want to play with him.

Whoa, look at this!

Oh, we're wrestling.

Oh-- oh, wow.

Oh, he really locked on to my neck there.

He's going for that jugular.

Oh, yeah, he lives off blood.

Down, boy. Down.

Oh, no, I've been training him.

"Down, boy" means "Go for the d*ck."

Oh, boy!

Oh, he's really on there.

♪ ♪

Rafi: You're right.

Look at us, we fit in perfectly.

No one suspects a thing.

Now we just have to find the body before they light it on fire.

That Jew better be happy when we deliver this heart.

I told him I want to watch him eat the whole thing.

Do they Kn*fe and fork it, or they just shove it in with their hands?

No, they have to eat it like a hand fruit.

(everyone gasping)

(exclaiming in Spanish)

Rafi: This is our daughter.

She's, um... very sick.

Herpes.

She's rotten with herpes.

She has her father's herpes.

And now, to celebrate the end of a life, we will dance the traditional dance of Puerto Rico.

I know what this is.

This is daggering.

Oh, that's awesome.

That's the only way I know how to dance.

Ay!

Ay!

(grunting)

(speaking indistinctly)

(grunting)

Yeah! Get it! (grunting)

I wish I had a male d*ck right now.

These Puerto Ricans know how to funeral.

Deténgase.

Huh! There's that word again.

Somehow they saw through our disguises!

All right, let's get out of here.

Uh-oh.

Whoa!

(screaming)

Get him, Chupi!

Yes!

Down, boy!

Eat his d*ck!

Yeah, get that "D," Chupi!

So jealous of our daughter right now.

We gotta get out of here.

(snarling)

(door creaks shut)

(sighs)

Why is she dressed for a wedding?

Ah, Papi probably wants her to marry someone else in the afterlife.

She was so bonable.

Aw... I only wish she was alive to hear you say that.

Oh, I screamed it at her a lot.

Yeah, me, too.

Papi: Rafi!

You were always such a disobedient child.

You are supposed to be dead!

Whoa, Dad.

Looks like we've got a Mexican standoff.

Uh, actually, we-we don't, technically, 'cause only he has a g*n.

Okay, so maybe we have a Puerto Rican standoff?

What is the difference between Puerto Ricans and Mexicans anyway?

Such a good question.

Dad, what is the difference between Puerto Ricans and Mexicans?

Where are we vis-à-vis tacos and...

(g*nsh*t)

Cállate!

Whoa! (gasps)

This is all your fault.

That g*n's loaded.

Your sick perversions scared my beautiful daughter away from Puerto Rican men and into the arms and tentacles of the Jew devil!

Wow.

That is anti-Semitic.

That crosses the line.

This ends now.

I'm going to sh**t your d*ck off.

Weird thing for a dad to say to his son, but all right.

Let me help you.

Huh?

(screams)

(screaming in Spanish)

You still had the pubic bee beard?

Yeah. They didn't want to leave.

And I still have six in the chamber.

Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!

(speaks Spanish)

Why?!

Now let's get out of here!

Get the body, quick!

Let's go! (g*nf*re)

(speaks Spanish)

Quick, quick!

Use her body as a shield!

Oh! Ah! Look out!

Ah! Ah!

Not the tit!

(shouts in Spanish)

All right, we're gonna have to jump.

I got a better idea!

(grunts)

Look, she's planking.

Check it out, I'm surfing.

How are we gonna get her back through security?

We'll just have to take off her shoes and belt.

Bees! To me!

Rafi: And so, after all that,

I brought our baby home.

(gasping) Oh, my God.

Gangster.

Jenny: She looks terrible.

Hi, Sofia.

And even in her body's inevitable melting to earth, Sofia is making me just rock hard.

(snarling)

(screaming)

Hey, Chupi.

Glad her mom made it back for the funeral.

(snarling)

Even in grief, still got it.