02x06 - The Heath

[bunniefuu]

Come on. It's obvious.

(TUTS) No?

Big Dave Bowers lent it to me.

Something borrowed.

Something blue.

I'm getting married!

Get the f*ck off the bus!

You what? To... to whom? When?

This weekend. Jay from the Heath. I've got your invites.

This weekend?

And to a Heath man?

Really? The last time I went there, I thought I saw a man eating a fox.

Turned out they were kissing.

Don't start taking the mickey out of the Heath.

It's not like it was when I was a kid.

It's a pagan backwater with idiotic customs.

Hang on a minute. I'm not married.

I wondered when this would become about you.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I'm not having it. I'm not having you two be married and me not.

No, it's off.

This is good. You should use it in your best man's speech.

The bride doesn't have a best man.

On the Heath they do. The groom has a wedding pony.

For goodness' sake, Jo. Do you even love him?

I love that he asked me. No-one's ever asked me to get married before.

I mean... this is petrifying.

Emma's coming.

What you saying? I do a brilliant best man's speech, it's both hilarious and moving.

Emma forgives all of the balls-ups of the past few months and agrees to have my baby.

Soon the kid replaces me in her affections and I'm left going down the pub on my own, to play darts with a guy called Fat Monkey.

God, it's bleak. But it's better than what I've got.

I'll do it.

Sorry?

Who the hell is this man?

Is he solvent? Does he have a job?

Jo: He's Jay C.

Yes, he's a digger driver. But it's only temporary, until his rap career takes off.

You've lost your mind.

Hope you're going to be more positive at my wedding, Brian.

I don't want a grumpy head usher.

Ah!

Me?

No way. A... a wedding needs months of... of planning. It... it needs schedules.

There... there's protocol, traditions.

Oh, great. My pulse is racing.

Have you got any idea how long it's taken me to get my cholesterol below 5.1?

Ah! The chief bridesmaid.

Oh, bloody hell.

Do I have to do that bit in the speech where I say how nice they look?

Suck my d*ck!

We are invited. Look.

Dan: All right, I'll cut to the chase.

Emma's going to be there and I forbid you to talk to her.

Why?

Well, I mean, Alistair from maths's parents are probably charming ex-lawyers with a lovely home.

But I love you, Mum, but you're boring.

Nesta: Who's Alistair?!

Daniel's love rival!

He thinks we're going to embarrass him in front of Emma.

Poppycock!

I've found the perfect outfit.

It'll be great to feel the air around my kite at a booze-up again.

Tell me you're wearing underwear.

I am of Scottish heritage, Daniel.

And proud.

Oh... oh!

I'm blind! She's blinded me!

Thanks. Bye-bye.

Well?

It's not that weird.

Proceedings are started by the chief bridesmaid nostrilling a pony.

Yes, that's what I asked you to ring about.

What is nostrilling?

She didn't say.

Look, mate, you're just going to have to accept that they do things a bit differently on the Heath.

It's not a bit different. It's a remake of The Wicker Man.

Dan, we have to put a stop to this.

Listen to the band they're making me hire.

Folk singers:
♪ Your sister's dead, your sister's dead ♪
♪ Your sister's dead She drowned, I'm afraid ♪
♪ She ain't coming back She's remaining very dead... ♪

(STEREO CLICKS)

They're called 8 Sausage Sunday.

We've got to call it off, even if you do want to impress Emma with your bloody speech.

I'm actually offended by that, Brian. I'm here for Jo.

Right.

I'm going to open by saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, some things are just meant to be."

Then I'm going to glance knowingly over at Emma.

And then I'm going to do that meaningful head nod that Robbie Williams does when he sings ballads, like...

Hello.

Oh, you're here!

I haven't seen you since I was about 15.

Mwah! Brian, you remember Jo's mum?

Sandra's not my mum. She runs the hotel.

Wonderful. Do you have a printer?

I do indeed.

Oh, thank goodness. A few very last-minute jobs.

Dan, I'm so excited. Apparently, you get a certificate for being married.

It'll look pretty sweet next to my NVQ.

OK, listen, let's take it as read that your excitement about this wedding is based on a flawed and petrifying logic.

I have some questions. Is there a mic I can use for my speech?

Yes, but Jay's very possessive about it. It's his rap mic and...

Shh! Where is he?

He's gone to Mum's to borrow some wedding shoes.

She's still got all the gear from when her and Dad got married.

Trying to save a bit of money, at least until his record contract comes through.

Oh, there'll be no record contract.

But you'll find that out in your own sweet time. Now...

I need some personal touches to make me sound sincere during the speech.

So, what's the thing that you most have in common?

We both love Chomps.

Chomps?

Chomps, you know, the chocolate bar.

Right. I need something a little more substantial than Chomps.

So, something romantic?

Got it.

Today we both coincidentally bought each other the exact same present.

It was a Chomp, wasn't it?

I need insight, not Chomps. Why are you marrying him?

Well...

I forbid you to use the word Chomp.

Look, Dan, marriage is an adventure. You should get married.

Look at my mum and dad. A lifetime of happiness.

Your dad left when you were seven and no-one's seen him since.

Oh, yeah. Still good, though.

Jay's here! Jay, this is Dan.

'Ow do, monner! Mwah!

'Ow bist thee, chap?

Well, I've no idea what that means, but I am enjoying your wedding shoes.

Ah, them pinch a bit, but they'll do the job.

They look wicked.

You two are very well suited, aren't you?

Jay, have you got a mic I can use?

You'm don't touch that mic. You'm dunna touch it!

He's so passionate about his rap. Don't worry.

I'll talk him round.

Was that her bloke?

They're not supposed to see each other the day before the wedding.

It's madness here. There's no protocol.

That woman informed me they're getting married in a barn, warned me there's some strange creature roaming the Heath, and then set about printing off my orders of service.

Yes, well, that's what you wanted, isn't it?

Depends on your definition of printing.

Eeh! Eeh, eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh!

Eeh! Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh!

Eeh! Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh!

Eeh! Eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh-eeh!

Look, just relax. Jo's happy, and who knows? Maybe I'll get to nail Emma.

Ah, you remind me of one of the great poets.

Yeah? You remind me of him.

And remember, the winner gets to sleep with Tony.

Women: Ooh!

Ah, Jo!

You dirty buggers!

Congratulations. Mwah!

Thank you.

And this must be your mum?

No, she's not my mum.

Mum's having an early night, ready for the big day. Do you want to see my ring?

Oh, it... it's lovely.

You're not going to believe this, Emma. He made it.

That is just a pebble and some string.

Getting married is wicked.

(KISSES RING)

Quizmaster: Question one.

What does the Beast of the Heath do to trick people?

(MURMURING)

(MOUTHS)

(MOUTHS)

You'd better come and see this.

Your aunt has decided the men's room is more fun and is currently b*ating the sh*t out of a local man called Weasel.

It's a local Heath tradition, naturally.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm keeping an eye on Moth-Face.

Ah! There y'are! You're up now, Dan!

Big final!

I'm all right, thanks, Jay.

It's only a game of hot pie. Come on!

Hot pie?

Hot pie.

All: Hurray!

Him's scared! Look.

Oh, I'm not scared. I'm baffled.

He is. He's shaking like a shittin' dog. Look.

Hey, make a rap up about it, Jay.

Him scared like a sparrow! Him scared like a sparrow!

Him... him fat like a marrow, sitting in a barrow.

Boom!

All: Hurray!

OK, everyone, you carry on. I'm out. See you later.

Oh, come on, Daniel. Pull yourself together.

If you want to impress this... this Emma girl, you're going to have to start acting like a man.

All: Yeah!

I mean, why did that get a cheer?

All: Yeah!

Apple pie buffet, two up.

Guys, I-I don't want to come across as old-fashioned, but why don't we go and get a nice steak dinner, toast the groom and get an early night?

Why are you both trying to ruin the boy's night?

All: Boo!

All right, you want me to push a pie into my own face, do you, you f*cking bread-munchers?

Fine, I can do that. So...

Argh! Ow! f*ck, that burns!

He's got the hot jam!

All: Yeah!

Aaah! Aaah!

Look at your face.

Why do you have to take part in these ridiculous rituals?

I know. What's Emma going to think?

I had to rewrite the top of my speech.

"Hi, everyone. Who's your favourite footballer? Mine's Frank Jam-pard."

You're supposed to be giving me confidence!

Be quiet. Here comes Jo.

Bloody hell!

You are getting married.

Yeah, of course.

You look all right.

Thanks.

You look lovely. You are going to change out of those wellies, though, right?

No. Mum only had one pair of shoes and Jay bagsied them.

God!

You open by saying how nice the bridesmaids look.

Did you see Shakira? She looks like Ric Flair from WrestleMania.

Then you lie. Then you read out messages from those who can't attend.

Yes. I've only got one. It's from Jo's Uncle Samuel.

"Sorry I can't be there. The ram k*lled Stephen."

No mention of who Stephen is.

I thought Sam was giving you away.

No, that's not Heath tradition.

Well, who is, then?

It'll only make you mad.

Just tell me.

This guy.

Ah.

OK, this is a hidden camera show, isn't it?

What the hell's going on here?

What are you doing?

Doing a roadblock! Spreading terror!

You don't look like t*rrorists.

Well, we are!

So, you better meet our demands!

What's going on?

As far as I can work out, it's three bell-ends with paper bags on their heads, attempting to hold us up.

I heard that! You want to be careful, calling us names!

We might do the old fatwa!

Doing the old fatwa!

Look, we're late for a wedding. I've got a very important speech to do, so...

What's that burn on your face?

Never mind what the burn on my face is!

Did you lose at hot pie?

None of your business!

f*ck off out of the way!

Dan...

You don't tell the IRA to f*ck off!

OK, that's it. I was being polite.

But if you're going to mix up your paramilitary organisations, I'm stepping in.

The IRA ceased operations after the peace agreement, and they certainly didn't do fatwas!

We might be the Taliban.

Or we may be the PTA!

What's that?

It's the Parents-Teachers Association.

I mean, they're arseholes, but they've never resorted to sectarian v*olence.

These are our demands!

One! We want £25!

Two!

We want a nice watch!

What's going on? The mouse is getting nervous.

Three. We want a mouse!

We don't want a mouse.

I know that voice. Charlie Burrows?

What are you playing at? You're too old for playing roadblock.

It's a game the kids play round here for pocket money.

It's sweet, really.

It's deranged.

(COINS JINGLE)

Look, we haven't got £25.

But I can... I can give you £6.

What about a nice watch?

You're not having my watch!

We'll have those wellies, £6, and we'll consider lifting the roadblock!

And a mouse!

The mouse is giving her away!

These are my wedding shoes!

Just give them the wellies. Let's get on with it.

We're not negotiating with these people.

Get back in the car. I'll re-route the sat nav.

Good luck with that!

(ENGINE STARTS)

No! No, not the Scénic! No! No!

No!

Not again!

Arrrgh!

Straight away, when I go in, I'll say, "All the salad."

And Carlos will look straight back at me and he'll say, "All the salad?"

As if I haven't asked.

I've already made it clear I want all the salad, and yet I still get asked.

Maybe, Brian...

...maybe knowing you're with the right person is about not having to ask for salad at all.

Well? Feedback?

OK. I don't think love is remotely like ordering a kebab.

Now, Jo, you said you thought it was due south, right?

Yeah.

Well, is it or isn't it?

Jo: Honestly?

I don't know what due south means.

Then why the hell did you say it?

It's just you looked so cross and I saw a giant poo back there, which means the Beast of the Heath is probably following us.

Jo, there is no mysterious creature roaming these woods, laying massive turds.

Guys, I'm getting pretty stressed here.

But as usual, you're getting stressed for the wrong reasons.

No-one cares about your speech.

Oh, OCD Tom Selleck!

They care about your Scénic or your little seating plan, do they?

Guys, is all this stress about me getting to the wedding on time?

Yes.

Of course it is.

OK. I need to tell you something.

I'm not letting this come off the rails when I am head usher. Not on my watch!

OK, I've got a plan. Shh.

Right at the end, I'm going to yank some of my nose hairs out.

It'll make it look like I've been crying.

She'll love it, Brian. It'll be really emotional. Brian?

I've got a bad feeling about this. They're definitely late now.

I'm sure they'll get here, Nesta.

Daniel's a silly boy, but he wouldn't ruin Jo's wedding.

The boy's a fool, Polly.

They're a little late, aren't they?

Hm, good teeth.

Good breeding hips. Yes, I can see why he likes you.

Nesta, we're not allowed.

Shoo.

(OWL HOOTS)

Can we stop for five minutes? We've been walking for hours.

Dan and Brian: No.

It's OK. I sort of knew I wouldn't end up married today anyway.

Jo, it's the bride's prerogative to be a little late.

Not on the Heath.

Oh, God.

I... I tried to tell you earlier.

Tell us now.

If the bride's more than three hours late, the groom marries someone else.

It's pretty sweet, really. It means there's always a wedding.

You backwards lunatics!

Dan: Come on, get up.

We can still make it.

Guys, you need to chill out.

People won't know where to sit! They won't know the lyrics to the hymns! Oh, God!

Mum and Nesta are ruining my future, as we speak!

No, the other guests will be arriving now.

Emma will be talking to her friend from school.

What friend?

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYS)

Alistair.

Hi.

I didn't know you were coming.

Looking lovely, Miss Lipsey.

You did what?

I thought you'd be pleased!

Oh, f*cking hell, Jo!

This was my last chance! It's all right for you two!

You've found someone who doesn't mind how mental you are.

He's even found someone who can put up with the tedium!

I've got no-one! I go home to two old women!

Do you understand? I'm the only one who hasn't got someone. I'm...

I'm the only one who's alone.

Oh, don't give me one of your smug looks.

She wants a divorce.

Julia.

She wants a divorce.

Oh, Brian.

Oh, mate.

It seems there isn't someone who'll put up with my tedium.

Dan: Oh.

I get it.

Do you?

Of course.

(SNORTS) You're gay, aren't you?

(WHISPERS) All these years.

What? No.

Oh, sorry. I... I thought this was one of those moments.

No!

Oh.

(RUSTLING)

The Beast!

I've told you, there's no such thing.

I told you I saw those giant poos.

Hardly surprising, guys. I'm eating a lot of berries out here.

Dom?

We thought you were the Beast of the Heath.

I wish.

I've been tracking it for years.

Once a year, I come and live in nature with a view to seeing it.

Do you know how to get to the wedding barn?

Of course! I am the Heath and the Heath is me.

Guys, we can still make it. I've still got the speech.

My jam burn's nowhere near as sore.

Maybe...

...maybe this little guy did bring us luck.

Maybe, for once, we're not the world's biggest losers.

(OWL HOOTS)

Dan, owl! It's after the mouse!

Oh!

(OWL SCREECHES)

Oof!

Oh! My f*cking nose!

(GROUP CHEERS)

What a quaint tradition the "marry another" rule is.

How I love the Heath!

You should stay for the dance, Dom.

I will.

But know this, I have a simple rule.

If I attend a wedding, I must make love to a woman.

I must and I always do.

But first I must pop back to the Heath.

I have some outsized faecal madness to lay.

Dom, you don't think you might be the Heath Beast?

(GIGGLES)

Oh, my God! This will be the size of a seal!

See you on the dance floor!

Sorry, Jay, we got lost.

Nah.

Don't matter, monner. I married this 'un. Ha-ha.

So sweet.

Still upbeat. Incredible.

It'll still be a great old party.

I'll tell 8 Sausage Sunday to spark up.

Wicked.

Dan, Emma's over there.

Yeah, yeah, it's all right.

I know when I'm beaten.

Oh, my God.

It's him.

What?

Dan. You've always loved him.

No!

But you were staring meaningfully at...

Sorry. I thought it was one of those moments.

No, I was looking at my mum.

Dan.

Oh.

You finally made it. Looking good. (LAUGHS)

Alistair, stop this, all right?

I'm done.

Oh, God.

Both of my nightmares at once.

Daniel, it's not always about you.

Alistair and I are going to join the festivities.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Why don't you go and say hello to your friend Emma?

Come along, you. Come!

(MUM AND EMMA CHUCKLE)

(DAN CLEARS THROAT)

(MOUTHS)

Nice nose.

Yes. It's an owl att*ck.

Hm.

It's all right, I get it.

I concede. Go on, go with him.

Dear God, Dan! I'm not interested in Alistair.

Aren't you?

Oh, what? He's a good teacher so I must like him, right?

But...

Dan.

Marry me.

What?

Tonight.

Why not? The vicar's still here, so...

Why?

What?

Why do you want to marry me?

Cos I love you. So...

You...

(LAUGHS)

You silly bugger.

(TUTS) Come here.

All right?

You've got a nerve, showing up here, Charlie Burrows.

Where's Brian's Scénic?

Sorry, mon, we wrote her off, doing drag races on the farm.

Doesn't matter. Julia got it in the divorce settlement anyway.

Bit of karma.

Oh, Brian. Shall we get some cider?

No. I think drinking in this frame of mind could be a little dangerous.

I'll go and find Barbara. She's normally got a Capri Sun for me in her bag.

Don't fancy coming to the farm one day, do you? Bought a new rake.

Do you like... do you like Chomps?

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ I've got a cow! I've got a cow! ♪
♪ I've got me own f*cking cow! ♪
♪ You want a sow? I've got a cow! ♪
♪ So let's not row! Let's just dance now... ♪
♪ If we take a little drink we'll stay over the night ♪
♪ So long as we get there it'll be all right ♪
♪ But nothing's for nothing, this night is for keeps ♪
♪ Doesn't matter if you fall down but nobody sleeps ♪
♪ If we don't get there soon then we'll surely never know ♪
♪ So fill her up and foot down... ♪

Oh. He won't be troubling you any more.

What do you mean?

He's an even bigger wimp than you are.

Though I admit, I did ask Weasel to add rather more hot jam to his pie than was strictly fair.

Dan: Oh.

(SIGHS) That's very sweet of you, Nesta.

I can't keep fighting your battles for you.

So, listen, you go and you secure that girl Emma while he's out of the picture.

Tell her you're ready to breed now.

She's leaving.

Hm? So soon? But the party's only just starting.

No, I mean she's leaving.

She's got a head teacher's post overseas.

But I... I thought that...

So did I.

(TUTS) Hug from Auntie?

Yeah. Yeah, it does feel like one of those moments.

Oh!

What are we going to do with you, Daniel?

♪ Some neighbours are leaving, some are standing their ground ♪
♪ Tell your boss there's no way he can reach you on the phone ♪
♪ There's enough in the t*nk to get us all back home ♪
♪ And there's a crowd in a house on the outside of town... ♪