03x13 - Space

[bunniefuu]

Carl Sagan and Ann Druyan create a mix tape, plated in gold.

[gasps] Has that been on this whole time?

Wernher von Braun, the father of American rocket science, joins the SS.

What does "SS" stand for?

S-Serious Nazis.

[laughs]

So Leonov's like, Oh, I [bleep] up this whole thing. The suit blew up too big.

He's got... filled! It's filled!

The suit's... [blows raspberry]

[patriotic music]

Space! That's a river, that's made out of sky.

Somebody, like, said, "Oh, look at that thing up there. What if we could go to that? You want to put me up in this garbage can with fireworks strapped to it? I'll do it."

People that were smart enough to go into space?

Those are the smart enough ones to impregnate anything, anything out there.

Cheers.

One, two, three.

Both: To space. [glasses clink]

Your finger got in the way of that one.

One, two, three.

Both: To space. [glasses clink]

Good connection.

Hello, today we're going to talk about Carl Sagan, and...

[burps]

I had to let it out... and Ann Druyan.

[quiet, dramatic music]

In 1977, the outer planets were in precise alignment, and the guys at NASA were like...

We could send up two spacecraft, "Voyager 1" and "Voyager 2," that could swing around each planet to collect data, and conduct research, and to take pictures, and to possibly... no, for sure-edly, be flung into deep space.

Let's [bleep] some [bleep] up.

So NASA comes to Carl Sagan, who's a famous astronomer, astrophysicist, and they're like, Hey, man, would you like to lead a team that creates the message... a mix tape... for all of humanity, that we cast into the cosmic ocean?

Mother[bleep]ing Carl Sagan is like, Abso-[bleep]-lutely.

Let's put together a kick-ass team.

He hires Ann Druyan to be the creative director.

She's a journalist, she's a writer, she's amazing.

So, they talked about how to, like, send the message, and an 8-track tape came up at one point, but Carl was like, This thing is going to get [bleep] up in your Cadillac.

What's it going to do at 35,000 miles an hour for a billion years in deep space?

So these guys at NASA are looking at each other, and they were like, We could do this on a record. A copper record, plated in gold.

We'll plate this thing in gold, assholes.

What do we care? We're the United States government."

[laughs]

We're NASA!

So... Annie and Carl sat around his kitchen table for hours on end, going over What should be included on the golden record.

They talked about all that was best about humanity, what was beautiful, what was poetic.

They looked at each other and said, Let's include whale sounds.

Let's include thunder.

Let's include pictures of drinking and licking and swallowing and biting and eating.

Um, this is where the music should swell underneath.

[orchestral music swells]

And Annie is looking at Carl, thinking, This will outlive ourselves, maybe by a billion years.

[giggles]

Is "outlive" a word?

Mm-hmm.

They begin working on a record.

They recorded a child's voice, that's like, Greetings, from the children of planet Earth.

They recorded a baby that was like, "Waa."

A kiss, like, [imitates kissing]

Um, birds. [imitates bird whistling]

[gasps]

Has that been on this whole time?

Mm-hmm.

Guess I haven't looked since we started filming.

Okay, where are we? Sorry.

Carl was like, Oh! We have to represent different eras of humanity.

So Ann found a 2,500 year old piece of ancient Chinese music, and she was like, Oh, my gosh, that's some old-ass music.

I have to let Carl know. This is the greatest ever.

And she calls him, doesn't get him, leaves a message: Hey, it's Annie, I got it! It's called "Flowing Stream."

It's an ancient piece of Chinese music, the most exciting thing so far that we needed... yes.

It might sound like what plays under your massage, or whatever, but it's important and we needed it, and you're not here, and it would be really cool if you were here, or whatever.

This is Annie. Might've already said that.

Good-bye.

Carl calls her back, and says, I wish you had left me this message... a message... ten years ago.

And she was like, What are you talking about?

He was like, I guess you and me?

And she was like, For keeps? And he was like, Yeah.

And then they hung up the phone, and she was like, Jesus. What is going on right now?

And the phone rings again. And he was like, What's going on?

And she was like, I think we just got engaged.

And he was like, I think that's 100% cool with me.

[coughs]

Wrong pipe. [burps]

Sorry about that. And they got engaged over the phone, having never shared a kiss, a romantic moment, nothing.

Hmm.

I just started to get choked up. [clears throat]

And um, after their declaration of love, she gets an idea.

Annie goes to Bellevue Hospital, gets all hooked up, and she meditates for an hour on her love for Carl, and they recorded her brain waves and all of her thoughts were compressed into a minute of an audio file that was included in the golden record.

It sounds like fireworks, like [imitates explosions]

[imitating explosions]

Like that.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah...

So, in 1977, the golden record was launched into space, containing what we consider our very best everything.

Carl and Annie went on to create the "Cosmos" series for PBS, and they were together for almost 20 years before Carl d*ed.

And, to this day, Annie will be like, Whenever I feel sad or depressed, I think, "And still they move."

I mean, that's crazy... those spacecraft carrying all of our best science, art, greetings and the thoughts of a woman who had just fallen in love.

[dramatic music]

It's a beautiful story, isn't it?

[sniffs] Yeah.

The Soviets launched the Sputnik satellite, and Wernher von Braun is like, We gotta get to space!

You made me full face my face. [hiccups]

[dramatic music]

Are you scared?

No. Yes. Incredibly.

[both chanting "Space!"]

[both exclaiming]

Oh, my lord. Oh, my God!

Waters, dude!

[both laughing]

We're having a Sputnik cocktail. Sputnik!

Named after the first satellite ever launched into orbit by the lousy Reds.

But here's the key ingredient to a Sputnik.

Do you want to know what it is?

Please.

Sour grapes.

Cheers.

Hello. My name is Matt Gourley, and today, we're gonna talk about Wernher von Braun.

Wernher Magnus Maximilian Freiherr von Braun.

Cheers.

Wernher von Braun.

He's the father of American rocket science, and at 13 years old, in Prussia, and he's looking to the heavenly bodies, and he's seeing for the first time, there's something to explore there, and at that point, he says to himself, We gotta get to space, me and a bunch of guys.

He wants to get to space at all costs, and this will be the downfall.

So then, in 1939, he's the technical director of the V-2 rocket.

He's just there with his buddies, going like, We're building rockets.

And then, World w*r II really hits the fan.

And out of nowhere, a man shows up... guess who?

Derek, guess who?

Adolf h*tler.

Whoa.

And no [bleep], he's literally shrouded in a voluminous cape.

Do you want a candy?

Whoa, ow. Jesus.

So he says, Hey, Wernher von Braun, why don't you rain down some V-2 rockets... you've been developing these things... indiscriminately on England?"

And he's like, Hmm. Okay.

And so he joins the SS.

What does "SS" stand for, for those that don't know?

S-Serious Nazis.

And so they launched V-2 rockets to England.

After the att*cks, von Braun says, The rocket worked perfectly, except for landing on the wrong planet.

His goal is to get to space, not necessarily to destroy.

Guess what? The United States creates this program, called "Operation Paperclip," and they're like, Let's grab all the German scientists we can, forgive any w*r crimes, and get 'em to America before those Russians do.

And they do just that.

Wernher von Braun has come to El Paso, Texas, and he's like, Finally. Let's dig into some space exploration.

All this nonsense is over.

And the m*llitary's like, [burps] Yeah.

That's great. Let's do it. Only if the space program were less satellites and more missiles.

And he's like, Ay, Dios mio.

Then, no [bleep], Walt Disney visits von Braun, and he says, I don't know if you know this, but I'm building a new theme park called Disneyland, and I want you to help me build something called Tomorrowland.

And von Braun's like, Yeah, but can you help me with capturing the imagination of the American public, to get them excited about space travel?"

And Disney's like, Two things: Yeah, I can help you with that, and I've got a tiny little mustache.

So they created a TV series, called "Man in Space."

And it's a huge hit. Von Braun is like, Hello, Americans.

This is how we will get to space.

42 million Americans watched, going, How is this possible?

But it's gotta be possible, 'cause it's on TV.

And so he's a national celebrity, so much so that he's put on the cover of "Time" magazine.

The same Wernher von Braun who was a member of the n*zi party?

Yeah, that's the guy.

And then, in 1957, the Soviets launch the Sputnik satellite, and Wernher von Braun is like, I've been trying to tell you.

We gotta get to space!

Kennedy himself makes a speech and says, [imitating Kennedy] We will put a man on...

No.

Have I out-drunked Derek Waters?

"Out-drunked"? Um... [chuckles]

You made me full face my face.

So Kennedy says, We're going to put a man on the Moon by the decade's end.

And so von Braun creates the "Saturn V" rocket, and then, on July 16, 1969, Wernher von Braun's "Saturn V" gets launched.

[imitates rockets f*ring] [clears throat] [imitates rockets f*ring]

Wernher von Braun sees that foot step on the lunar surface, and he's not an emotional man, but he becomes emotional because he was a central force in...

[sneezing]

Bless you.

I was trying to hold it in and it made it more disturbing.

Sorry.

He's a central force, in getting man to the... [sneezes]

Oh, my God.

Excuse me.

You're ruining it. [sneezes]

Man sets foot... [laughs]

Do you know what... no, stop laughing.

Do you know what a deal it is to get to the Moon?

Have you been to the Moon?

[sneezes] Neither have I.

Von Braun's going, I've done it. I've put a man on the Moon!

He's paraded through the streets as a hero.

Ah, I feel uncomfortable with that.

He's a genius, but he's not a hero.

Let me think of how to phrase this.

If there's any lasting legacy of Wernher von Braun, it's that he has these amazing ideas, but then he straight up [bleep] up and becomes a n*zi.

Like, he's a complicated mother[bleep].

You feel safe about this?

This thing is gonna launch, and it's gonna be a testament to my abilities while drunk.

Wait a second, 'cause there's a cop. Hold on.

Just don't be patient.

Don't be patient?

Both: Three, two, one.

Lift off.

Wow! [laughs] Whoa!

This is the best thing that man's ever done.

How high did that get?

400 to 500 feet, punishable by $1,000 fine or one year in jail.

Smells like burgers.

Do you want to eat a giant cheeseburger in the name of space exploration?

Yeah!

Stay tuned for more "Drunk History."

Space! [indistinct talking on PA]

Who should we cheers to?

All the 'nauts.

To every 'naut.

Cosmonauts and astronauts.

All the 'nauts.

'Naut.

Hello, I'm Kyle Kinane. and we're going to talk about the first space walk.

1965! Space race underway!

America against Russia.

So Russia, they've been sending animals out. Poo!

But then, the U.S., they sent a monkey up there. Pew!

And then, Russia is just like, Who's the most maniac Russian we have?

Pavel Belyayev and Alexey Leonov.

So Russia says, Pavel, Alexey, do you want to do some ape-[bleep] stuff?

[burps]

We'd like you to be the first human beings to do a spacewalk.

EVA: Electorally... Extra-Vehicular Activity.

Imagine what it's like to be floating around in the '80s, except this is the '60s.

And they go, What do you got going on with your life?

Nothing.

Same here.

Uh, yes, yes, I'll do it.

The mission's called the Voskhod 2, and so Russia's watching on TV.

Finally, Russia's got something awesome.

Good luck with your rock 'n' roll and your Beach Boys!

We got this.

So the launch... it pops off, man.

The launch pops off. It's good.

And so, they're like, We did it! We're in orbit.

Leonov pressurizes his suit, and then leaves the airlock.

I'm floating in space! I'm floating in space!

It's the best thing I ever did in my life.

He's the first human being to do something.

Everybody's watching TV, this guy's out there, the whole country's, Oh! We did it! We're the best.

The First Secretary, Brezhnev, is like, Leonov, good job.

[blows out air]

Don't worry, don't worry. [chuckles]

So Leonov's like, Okay, I did it. Can I get back into this craft?

Oh, I can't even fit inside of it, because the suit blew up too big.

He's got... filled! It's filled!

The suit's... [blows raspberry]

Filled up. He's stuck.

He's like, Oh, I [bleep] up this whole thing.

So they cut the feed.

They immediately cut to Mozart's "Requiem," which is some depressing funeral jam. [laughs]

I'm... I'm assuming right now you'll play it, right now.

[Mozart's "Requiem" plays]

And it's just some sad [bleep].

But then, Leonov secretly real... he can real... he can... he found a nozzle, so he had to... [imitates air sputtering out] to depressurize.

And his temperature... his temperature spikes.

He's almost got the bends. He nearly kills himself, just to get back inside to the spacecraft.

He's in! That should be the most of it.

He's in, and then, they can't get the hatch closed.

Like noth... like, sitcom style, nothing's going to go right for these guys.

Aw, [bleep]. Why am I looking at this one...

Should I be looking at anywhere else other than this one point on the couch? [chuckles]

So... So anyway, they fix the hatch. Great, fine, great.

But that throws the balance off on the whole g*dd*mn machine, so they're stuck twirling around. So Leonov says to Pavel, Like, we gotta land this right [bleep] now.

They're trying to figure it out.

They're trying to calculate the trajectory to get back, just land on Russian soil.

If we land, and we land in China, that'll be [bleep] up, because of... something that Wikipedia tells us.

They twirl towards the Earth, and then wait, whoa, whoa... Kaboof.

We landed. Oh, man, we should get out of this capsule.

Ah, oh, we got... Oh, we got...

We can't get out... We can't get out of this capsule!"

We should blow the doors!

How?

With these tiny expl*sives we're provided with.

[imitates small expl*si*n]

Oh, good, we're out.

Oh, where are we?

Oh, we're in the tundra.

Oh, don't do that, don't do that.

I know. I know how TV works.

All right, they land 2,000 kilometers off their mark, in Siberia, which is a real place... [chuckles] in the middle of mating season for wolves and bears.

It's below-zero temperatures, wolves, bears, all with just boners.

Jesus.

Lookin' to [bleep].

[laughs]

And all they can say to each other is, Well, I guess... we should start... with some sweet kisses. [both laugh]

Come on, man. What... What... how much more...

Well, what happened to them after...

Der... Derek, don't say nothing.

Yeah, I just want to get what...

It's... they're in Siberia.

They're blasting flares out. Ptoo! Ptoo!

They don't even have food, or Sprites.

And then, after 30 hours, they fi... [bottle thuds] finally they got rescued.

[triumphant music]

You wouldn't even believe it.

[chuckles] Oh!

They're just some lunatics that said "yes" to an experiment.

Cosmonauts, astronauts, any kind of 'naut.

Did, yes. The 'nauts yessed.

The 'nauts said, "Why not?"

[laughs] Where da... where da...

Where da button? Where da button?

[patriotic music]

You're feeling like E.T. in the river.

It was the first time in my life I've never been hungry.

[laughs loudly]

Oh, God.

It's so crazy, getting drunk with 39 people, but nothing's made me more sick.