01x09 - Episode Nine

Episode transcripts for the TV show "You, Me and the Apocalypse". Aired September 30 - December 2, 2015.
"You, Me and the Apocalypse" follows what happens when an eclectic group of individuals are forced to survive together as an eight-mile wide comet heads towards Earth.
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01x09 - Episode Nine

Post by bunniefuu »

A false messiah is a false messiah.

If the press found out about this...

This conversation is held in the strictest confidence.

Why am I even on a m*llitary base?

The President imposed a state of emergency.

I had a few legal issues back in the '80s.

I was innocent but I had to disappear.

Jamie, I'm Father Jude.

Your father, Jude.

Mr President, I'm afraid Operation Saviour has failed.

The comet's still going to h*t Earth but we can't let the world know.

It gives me great pleasure to formally announce the unqualified success of Operation Saviour.

♪ I can see clearly now the rain has gone... ♪

See that? That's the end of life as we know it.

♪ I can see all obstacles... ♪

Yep, it's the end of the world.

The actual apocalypse.

♪ Gone are the dark clouds... ♪

And where am I?

I'm deep under the suburbs of suburbia, watching it on telly.

One minute now. One minute.

These pictures coming live to us from Hubble.

And to think, just a few short days ago, we were all so happy, planning for a future that didn't exist.

What fools we were.

Thank you all for watching. I hope we'll meet again.

What fools.

Man on radio: Aw, come on, enough with the conspiracy theories, huh?

Just enjoy the party, pal. The world's safe, end of story.

New speaker: Yeah? Well, if everything's OK why hasn't the state of emergency been lifted, huh?

And where are the Saviour scientists? If I'd saved the world, I'd be expecting banquets at the White House. And the President...

Can we turn this off?

( Radio off )

( Woman gasps )

I forgot my curling irons.

There are some in the bunker.

See, the First Lady's undergoing menopause, so... from a genetic perspective it makes sense...

You really don't have to explain, sir.

I understand. Perfectly.

Seven billion people going about their lives... oblivious to what's in store.

Poor bastards.

( Bells chime )

This report about Jude is all wrong.

It was not like this.

He was excited, full of hope.

He'd just resigned from the priesthood.

He was having a breakdown.

No, he was not.

He'd broken his vows, was racked with guilt over your affair.

The fact is, he committed su1c1de.

The coroner found no evidence of foul play.

The important thing is, you mustn't blame yourself for his death.

Now, fortunately, the church takes a more tolerant view of su1c1de than it used to, so we can still give him a proper burial.

No. I want his body back.

Sister Celine...

Just Celine.

I am no longer a sister.

He was no longer a priest and I do not wish for him to be buried here.

Then where will you go?

( Upbeat music plays )

Up yours, comet, we won!

Dave, thoughts?

Yo! Best party ever, in the history of history!

Still got it, Mark.

So now we've got a future what do you wanna do?

Um... hang out with my dad.

( He laughs )

Um... I'm gonna start again.

Do it right this time, I promise.

( She giggles )

And what about you, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna be the best husband... and dad that I can be, and... I'm gonna live and be more spontaneous!

Jamie! Phone!

Say again? I can't hear you!


OK... thank you.

You all right?

Yeah. Um...

My dad d*ed.

Woman: I'm watching you.

You think you can just swan back in here as if nothing's happened?

You lied to my son.

Yeah. So did you. You never told him he was adopted!

Both: Dave!

I can't help it, all right? I've got no depth perception!

Like I said, you're welcome to stay as long as you want.

You're part of the family now.

( Air horn blares )

Rise and shine, McNeil. You got a date.

What the hell's going on?

I don't know.

I only found out about this an hour ago.

But you're prepared, right?

OK, let's move this along, it's been a long night.

Next up, People versus Rhonda McNeil.

Your Honour, I'd like to move for a postponement. With the comet now diverted, it's clear that the state of emergency will be repealed any day now.

Motion denied.

Your Honour...

Under Article 8 of the Emergency Measures Act, this case will be heard today by me and me alone.

A week in the honeymoon suite at the Cornbrook Hotel, Windsor.

Thank you!

There's too many people in this house and right now I just wanna be with you and Frankie.

Just the three of us.

So... Windsor.

That's literally one town away.

It involves crossing a river.

( She laughs )

That's travel, right? And, besides, last time we went on holiday you disappeared for seven years.


OK, fair point.

OK... Frankie and I will pack our bags and head to Windsor.

You sure you don't want us to come to the funeral?


Frankie's too young.

And anyway it's not that big a deal.

I hardly knew him.

Tired of being sad.

I just want a bit of happy.

Colonel Gaines...

I wanna thank you for this.

And for your, er, discretion.

I would like to commend you for the Medal of Honor... you and your colleague.

Husband, sir.


Scotty is my husband.


I see.

Well, I'm sure this must be very difficult for you... seeing as tomorrow...

Well, you know.

After you, Mr President.

Sir, I am truly sorry.

( She screams )

You wanna die today or tomorrow?


Then run.

Taking a US Marshall hostage, taking a child hostage, escaping from prison, and all of this on top of hacking into the NSA.

Are those really the actions of a school librarian? No.

Facts: Deus Ex sprung her from jail.

The leader of Deus Ex claims her as a member.

There is only one conclusion to draw... that McNeil is an active member of this t*rror1st organisation.

And, as such, the State urges Your Honour to impose the maximum possible sentence.

State rests its case.

Does the defence have any witnesses to call?


But we would need time...

Do you have them here or don't you?

Well, no, we didn't know the hearing was today...

The defence rests its case.

What?! That's it?

You've gotta be kidding me.

This is wrong!


I deserve a real trial!


With a jury!

You will control your client!

And a real judge!

He doesn't even have a hammer!

He doesn't even have the little judge hammer thing!

Shut up!

This isn't helping.

Rhonda McNeil, by the powers vested in me by the Emergency Measures act, I find you guilty of all charges.

I sentence you to death by hanging at midnight tonight.

Oh, hey. You here for...

Wrong funeral!

Go to hell.

You all right?

I just got heckled by a pensioner.

I can't believe she was married to Jude.

Even the celibates are getting more action than me.

Can we talk about Layla?

Mum, we're at a funeral.

It's just I don't want you to jump back in too soon.

I can't believe that she's your step-mum.

I haven't got any mums, you've had, like, what, 12 in the last month... how's that fair?

( Panicked conversation )

Ladies, please...

They can't keep us here.

I know. Let me explain.

I'm not staying here.

Listen, I understand... that you are all very upset. We were drugged and abducted!

We woke up in here to find out that, "Hey, guess what?

You're the future of the human race.

There's a fridge full of sperm. Enjoy yourselves."

So, yeah, I think we have a right to be upset.


Let us go. Now.

OK, if you... wanna leave then... you're free to go.

( Murmur of conversation )

I wish that we hadn't abducted you.

OK, if there had been any other way without causing widespread panic, believe me, we would have done it but there weren't any good options, there were just shitty ones.

That's our future.

When Arnold and I go home, we cook some food, drink a bottle of wine that we've been saving, and take one of those pills each.

We die tonight.

And you don't have to.

You are here... because we believe in you.

You fill us with hope that humanity can be better next time around and that hope has sustained us through some terrible things that we had to do to get you here.

Like what?

sh**ting the President.

( All exclaim )

k*lled my own Commander in Chief.


Cos if he'd been in here we would have ended up with the same crap all over again.

He wasn't fit to lead mankind into a new age.

I hoped that you might be.

We have to leave.


Thank you for listening.

The door will be sealed behind us so if you do wanna leave, now is your last chance.

What are we gonna do?

Why don't you stay?

After the things we've done... it wouldn't be right to save ourselves.

Good luck.

The awful truth is I want the comet to h*t.

I know it's selfish.

But I don't want the future without him.

I only met him 33 days ago.

But I did more living in that time... than in the 30 years before.

He made me feel... alive.

But now...

It was just awful!

I mean, God knows I was a terrible mother but you shouldn't outlive your children.

And to top it all, that little prick, Ariel, was there!

Love you, too, Grandma.

Your security system's a disgrace, you should really get that looked at.

Oh, and that "little prick" wasn't me. I'm guessing you just met Jamie.

Who the hell is... Oh!

So Jamie is your twin.

No flies on you, are there?

Yet, funny, isn't it, how long ago all of that feels... you needing blood, me needing the bunker?

Still... now that none of us are going to die...

You've a nerve coming here.

Haven't I?

See, now that there's a future, I've been thinking what it holds for me, what kind of man will I be?

And the answer I've come up is... rich.

And that's where you come in.

I'd like my inheritance now, please.

This amount, first day of every month, into this account.

After all, it'd be a terrible shame if the world was to find out you're actually alive.

Now that there is a future, you really wanna spend it behind bars?

You're blackmailing me.

Oh, how adorably old-fashioned!

Take care of him.

You really think I'd come without an insurance policy?

I'm sure you'll be keen to avoid my little website going live.

It's just a bunch of photos, videos, maps, you know, stuff lawyers might call "evidence".

It automatically goes live unless I enter a code every 12 hours so by all means k*ll me.

Seal your fate. Your choice.

You know... in another life I would have rather liked you.

You'll get your money.

But if I ever see your face again, I WILL have you k*lled.

Take your clothes off.

You wear this now.

( She cries )

Soldier: Watch your fingers, gentlemen, this one's a biter!

Get yourself a tetanus sh*t...

( Prisoner wails )

( Prisoner roars )

Oh, hey, hon.

Have you lost weight?

( She spits )

What a view.

That's beautiful... isn't it?

You OK?


I was just thinking... how lucky I am to have had you in my life.

We just sh*t the President, shouldn't you be having a nervous breakdown?

( He laughs )


( He laughs )

Oh, wow.

All right, let's do it.

Sure about this?

Cos once I h*t "send", the shit hits the fan.

I know.

But everybody has the right to say goodbye.


( Phone beeps )

Apologies again for the... "Slough-ness" of the wake.

It's fitting. He would have liked it. To Jude.

All: To Jude.

Tv: ... we're going to interrupt here as we've got disturbing news breaking out of America.

This tape was released just a couple of minutes ago.

My name is General Gaines.

I was the commanding officer responsible for Operation Saviour.

It is with great regret that I must now discharge my final duty and inform you... that Operation Saviour did, in fact, fail.

Contrary to what you were told, the comet was not sufficiently diverted from its course and will strike the Earth tomorrow at 3.49am Eastern.

That's 8.49am Greenwich Mean Time...



Although this will come as little comfort, I want you to know that plans are in place to ensure the survival of the human race.

No-one involved in this cover-up has used it to ensure their own survival.

The President of the United States is d*ad.

I, too, will perish with you.

I accept full responsibility for my actions...

No, stay there, we'll come get you. Layla?

It was done for the right reasons and I stand by my decisions.


Like you, I am afraid.

Jamie? Jamie?

And, like you, I intend to spend what time I have with the people I love.

It's OK. Daddy's coming.

I hope you can find some solace in these, our final hours.

I wish you good luck.

May the world rise to meet you.

Bring in the other kids.

You, prep the bunker. Do what you can with what we have.

You... you're coming with me.

Scenes of disorder and destruction are amassing from every part of the world...

Here we go.

Right. Now, we can all sit here, feeling sorry for ourselves, or we can partay like it's 1999!

And I mean the one that Prince promised me.

Not the one I actually got. That was crap.

So, I vote for Prince. Who's with me?

Yeah, go on.

Good boy.

Here, get this down your neck, Jamie. We're going out in style!

I can't, I've got to get Layla and Frankie.

I'll be back in time, I promise. We'll be together at the end.

The whole family.

I love you, Mum.

I love you, too, son.

( Alarms blare )

( Sirens wail )

( Car alarm beeps )

( Tyres squeal )

What are you doing? Get out of the way!
Hello, Jamie.

You were at the funeral.

Of course. I wanted to pay my last respects to my son.

Your son?


You mean you're my...

Yes, Jamie. I am your grandmother.

It's lovely to meet you.

OK. Great. Can you move your car, please?

Oh, come now, Jamie, surely you can spare me a minute or two.

Actually, no, sorry.

Any other day, yes, but today is all about my wife and daughter, so can you please...

I... can save their lives.

That's really sweet of you. But you can't save them.

See, there's a big rock coming and there's nothing any of us can do about it.

I know. Now, be a good boy and stop patronising me.


You've got a bunker?

Only nutters have bunkers.

And it's in Slough?

Just come to the bunker.

Look, no offence, but I don't know you and now suddenly you're asking me to come and live in a hole.

The definitive word in that sentence is "live".

Whaddya say?

David, this bucket list is pathetic.

Seriously? Have you never done any of those?

What have you been doing with your life?

I don't know. Angry Birds.

Lies. All lies.

Yeah. Funny that(!)

We met this man. He's not Jesus, he drives the taxicab in Bilbao.

He claims he helps people but it's not true.

We filed a report, they know he's a fraud. How could they do this?

Jude warned me about them.

Look, Celine, darling... let it go, eh?

What does it matter?

We're all gonna be d*ad, anyway.

Go on, get that down you.

( She groans )

I'm sorry, God.

I'm so sorry.

No need to apologise, dear.

It's going to be all right.


Who are you?

I am God.

And you are very drunk.

Forgive me.

Oh, good grief. The grovelling.

Always the grovelling.

Can't we just be pleased to see each other?

Huh! Jude sends his love, by the way.

So he's in heaven? Thank God.

And, between you and me, it's nice to have some totty round the place.

I am so sorry. I broke my vows, I let you down.

The only thing I'm sad about is you leaving.

But I never left you.

I need you, Celine.

You're part of my plan.

Always were.

And always will be.

( Knock on door )

Oi, let me in, I'm gonna puke!

I'm gonna hurl!

This is my last meal.

I thought we were supposed to get something we like.

Oh, my God, how can you even be hungry?

I ain't hungry. You're looking at pure willpower right here.

They gonna k*ll me, I'm gonna make it as disgusting for them as I possibly can.

I plan to poop myself the likes of which you ain't never seen before.

What's for dessert, assface?

Screw you.

You wish.

I don't even understand why you're here.

I mean, I know you escaped and everything but... hardly seems worth the death penalty.

I guess they must have gotten me on aiding and abetting a t*rror1st.

Oh, God, you're here cos of me.

I'm so sorry.

Come on, it ain't your fault.

It's my... back-stabbing, bitch-ass husband put me in here.

What happened?

Well... I guess you could say things kinda went downhill after I helped you escape.

Todd Senior was pissed at me.


We was fighting all the time, sex went downhill...

We was barely doing it two, three times a night there towards the end.

Worst part about it was... he turned my kids against me.

Poisoned their minds against me somehow.

Then the sheriff came to the door and I found out there had been a reward out on me.


20 years of marriage sold out for the price of a boob job.

I don't know what to say.

Rhonda, listen to me.

I know you're scared and I know you feel like you ain't never gonna see your husband and your son again but that ain't true.

You are gonna see them again, in heaven.

You ain't gonna be alone like me.

You're not gonna be alone.

Of course I am.

I ain't got nobody.

I always used to think white was right.

But it's white that betrayed me.


I guess the joke's on me, ain't it?

( She chuckles )

You know, it don't feel too good to realise that... you been wrong... about every single thing.

Or maybe it weren't the blacks and the queers and the Jews I shoulda had a problem with... maybe it was just men.

( She exhales )

( Door opens )

OK, General, hang up those g*n and lock the door.

My private is standing to attention and awaiting your...


... order.

Hi, Uncle Scotty.

Hello, Scotty, my name is Larson and I work for your mother.

O... K.

My mother's d*ad. So... whoever you are, could you please just...


That's my Kenneth.

How did you get this?

Like I said, I work for your mother.

I don't have time to explain now but she is alive and she wants to save your life.

No, that's... that's impossible, my mother is d*ad.

My sister and I...

We... we were orphans at five years old.

You know what? Boo-f*cking-hoo.


You don't talk to him like that.

I'll level with you.

I'm not here for my people skills.

I'm sure you've lots of stuff to work out with your mother but, for the moment, let's stick to the facts.

Armageddon is tomorrow.

Your mother has a bunker, she wants to save your life, so let's go.

Well, actually, no, I'm sorry to disappoint you but I don't wanna live.

But your nephew does.

Hey, that's great. That is great.

So you go have fun, but you can count me out of it.

And what about Mom?

She's in jail cos you, er... put her there. Don't you think you owe her?

Don't you think you owe me?!

What do you want me to do about it?

She's being held on a m*llitary base, which is where you come in.


You guys are her only hope.

Come on, man.


Fine, we'll help you get Rhonda and we'll help you survive.

We're not saving ourselves.



I appreciate this but I really don't need to be baby-sat.

Yeah, well, better safe than sorry.

It's chaos, Jamie.

You wanna get your family to the bunker, don't you?

And it'll be safe in the bunker, right?

Be a helluva lot safer than NOT being in there.

It's just...




You like?

I call this look...

Corporate Gimp.

What are you doing?

Ending Doofus, doofus.

I could have just sh*t you in the car but it didn't feel right.

Whereas this... entombed in your own bank vault... a tedious suburban end to a tedious suburban life.

What have I ever done to you?

You know what it was like to grow up being told how much better you were?

Mum used to call you her "special boy".

Said she gave you up cos you deserved better.

So I cyber-stalked you... to find out what all the fuss was about.

Only you weren't special.

You were average.

And I kept you that way.

You know, the only thing sadder than being a bank manager in Slough... is playing a game where your avatar is a Slough bank manager.

And then having to watch... as your wife falls in love with him.


So, you met Grandma, then.

She's a dear, isn't she?

Sadly, I burnt my bridges there but, luckily, you didn't.

So all I need do to survive is pretend to be you.

I've realised Doofus wasn't a game.

It was a rehearsal.

I've watched you for so long.

I know how you talk... how you move.

I know how you think.

So I'm gonna go now, find Frankie... Layla, and enjoy my night in the honeymoon suite.

Leave them alone... please.

( Door locks )

( Alarms blare )

OK... if you're gonna be him... you're gonna have to face this.

Germs cannot get you.

( He exhales )




Jamie, why are you stroking the bank?

See? I knew it was more than a job for him. It's a fetish.

Sex money.

( They giggle )

What you even doing here? Where's Layla?

J... just... wanted to say goodbye.

And clear out my desk.

( He laughs )

That is so you!

Captain a**l strikes again.

I am what I am.

So why are you here?

Well, um... we've been bucket listing and we've got some news for you, Jamie.

After having several small sherries...

David here... has asked me to be his good lady wife. And I... have said yes.

( She laughs )

We're getting married!

No, Mum, you're not.

I forbid it.

( He sighs )

Our family's already weird enough without THAT as my step-dad.

I told you he'd be like this.

Like what? Sane?!

You don't even like him.

Every morning on the way to school, same lecture...

"Why do you hang out with Dave? He's a loser, he drags you down."

And now suddenly he's marriage material?

Oh, for God's sake! Stop being... so...


( He chuckles )

It's the end of the world, what does it matter?

What does it matter? She's my mum!

Just... Look, just come here.

Come on. Mate! Hey, don't fight it. Come on.

Come on, come here. Listen.

I promise to be the best father I can be for you.

Paula, come on. Come on, let's have ourselves a Jamie sandwich.

Come on.


Please, Jamie.

You know I've always wanted to get married and it would mean the world to me if you walked me down the aisle.

Plus it'd take our minds off all this dying stuff.


OK, Mum, I'll do it.

Yes! I knew you'd come round.

I love you, Jamie.

I love you, too, Mum.

How the hell are we gonna do this?

We just walk straight in.

Now shut up and try to look butch.

Open the damn gate.

Sir, can I help you?

Hell is everybody?

Sir, they, er... They left, sir.

They left?!

That's a disgrace. Why are you smiling?

Sir, I'm not smiling, sir.

Are you calling me a liar? I say you're smiling and I say you're proud of the cowardice of your regiment!

Guardhouse, now!

This is the guardhouse, sir.

Well, open the door, then!

( He exhales )

Sir, sir, you're not allowed to...

Do not tell me where I can and cannot go, son.

Now, open that cell, I've got orders from the President.

No, sir, I can't, I have orders.


Don't make me go Mount Vesuvius on you, son, or is that what you want?

You want me to ERUPT and SPRAY my hot, molten lava upon you?!

Ask yourself, is that what you really want?! To be my Pompeii?!

I... I don't exactly know what that is, sir, but I don't think so.

Then open the door.


McNeil... today is your lucky day.

We have to get Leanne.

Shut up and keep moving.

I can't just leave her.

Hey, er, open her cell!

I don't take orders from you.

The hell is this?

You heard her, open the other cell.

I said open the door.

You heard the man.

Be a good boy now.

Sir, I'm gonna need to see those orders.

Open it.


I cannot comply unless you show me those orders.

Show me the orders!

Don't do this, Private.

( g*n )


Scotty, look at me!

Oh, my God!

Look at me.

Hey. Hey.

PA system: sh*ts fired. All guards to section nine. sh*ts fired.

sh*ts fired. sh*ts fired...

We gotta go. Come on!

Let's go, let's go!

Hold on, Scotty, hold on!

Soon, Jude. Soon. I am ready.

( Knock on door )

( They gasp )


Where were you? We were worried sick.

I know.

We don't have to worry about anything any more.

See, there's this bunker, we're gonna go there and we are gonna survive... the three of us, together, a family, our family.

We'll never be apart again.

( He groans )

( He groans )

Love you, Jamie.

Love you, too.

( g*n )

Faster! Put your foot down!

Quit telling me how to drive!

For God's sake.

Ariel... I'd rather die.


So, this is England... pretty, aside from the rocks falling out of the sky.
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