05x03 - And the Maybe Baby

[bunniefuu]

People, I have huge news!

Who's carrying the rest of it in?

I found a way to improve diner business, and the crazy part is I don't have to fire you two.

Are you gonna clean that dead body smell out of the ladies' room?

No, that's what plug-in Glade is for.

Okay, remember how that ice bucket challenge caught on with celebrities?

Han, people did those challenges for ALS, not to get publicity for a diner that Yelp calls, "A bit of a dice roll."

Well, I've invented the condiment challenge.

Why, 'cause condoms are a challenge to you and other virgins?

Earl, you're on fire!

I'm gonna down ketchup and mustard and then nominate Mr. George Clooney.

If you really want this thing to go viral, I happen to know that Clooney likes him some spicy sriracha.

All I know is that a**l is hot.

His wife's name is Amal, not a**l.

I still stand by my statement.

Action!

Otherwise known as, "Let's get this over with."

[garbled] Mr. George...

Uh-oh! I... hot!

Too hot!

I actually think that could go viral.

Damn! I hit the wrong thing.

Han! Han, do over!

My insides are on fire! [screams]

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
[cash register bell dings]
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

I love Wednesdays.

I get to erase all the genitalia that was drawn on the cupcake board.

And I love Thursdays 'cause I get to redraw them.

I need some more paper towels.

Oh, I think they're downstairs.

[chuckles]

Max, you do fake stairs so well.

I know.

It's the second best thing I fake.

Hey, isn't that Andy?

My Andy?

Oh, God, it is Candy Andy.

[bicycle bell rings]

He's coming over here.

Hey, Max. Wow.

Your chalkboard has really nice legs.

[chuckles] Hi.

Hey.

I know, so silly.

It's just I'm not very good at seeing my exes.

Yeah, or hiding.

How's the candy business?

Sour? Nutty? Full of Nerds?

It's great. Candy's not going anywhere, like my grandma's knee fat.

So you guys still over at the diner?

[scoffs] We aren't still at the diner.

This is our cupcake window.

Uh, hello?

Your shift at the diner started five minutes ago!

Okay, we're still at the diner too.

We're here, we're there, we're all over.

(both) Like herpes?

Nice.

Yeah.

So what brings you over here besides obviously stalking your ex-girlfriend?

Actually, I'm looking for a flower shop.

Oh, flowers for a girl you never got over?

Uh, no, for my fiancée.

Did he just say Beyoncé?

Actually, I'm getting married.

Coo.

Caroline, I'm sorry.

I was gonna call you and tell you, but then I felt like maybe you wouldn't care.

You know, I mean, it's been a long time.

I hope you're not hurt.

Hurt? I'm hurt.

Hurt that you didn't ask me and Max to do your wedding cake!

Oh, God. I'll be downstairs.

Well, yeah.

Actually, Romy and I haven't decided on a cake yet.

You know, she's pretty busy. She runs her own business.

Ohh! Oh!

"The Business Bride."

Wasn't that Katherine Heigl's last movie?

The one that brought her back to TV?

Max, can you please come back upstairs?

(Max) I'm waiting for the elevator!

Is that Candy Andy?

Well, well.

You two getting back together again?

Oh, I'm getting married.

To someone else.

Oh, Lord, this is why I don't like to be outside.

Well, I gotta run.

Not really. I'll be walking away.

But if you're serious about the cake...

So serious.

Major ser-i-osity!

In fact, it's our wedding gift to you.

Oh, God.

Max, stop.

There is no downstairs.

Yeah, it's not possible to get any lower than this.

Okay, well... how about I text you after I talk to Romy?

It was great seeing you, Caroline.

You too, Max.

You guys are gonna watch my butt as I walk away, right?

You gonna make it clap for daddy?

I cannot make it clap, but I can make it go, "Whoo!"

Um, couple things.

One, he's still hot.

And two, are you insane?

You want us to do your ex-boyfriend's wedding cake?

Max, I broke up with him. Remember?

I'm a mature, evolved, sophisticated, sexy but not in your face about it woman.

I can handle this.

I think it's a bad idea.

And I know bad ideas. I was one.

I... broke up... with him.

Dramatic... talking... is... annoying.

How's it going there, hot stuff?

Is your tongue working?

I'm gonna think of another video to go viral to set this place on fire, and if not, I'll eventually have to set this place on fire.

Either way, I'm not giving up.

You tell your clothes that? 'Cause they didn't get the memo.

Get this. Andy says that he and Romy would love to meet us to talk about wedding cakes at their loft in Manhattan.

[British accent] Queen Romy has summoned us to a cake tasting at their loft!

Uh, can I borrow your phone for a sec?

There. I deleted his text.

I deleted his number.

I also deleted my number.

We aren't doing this. You are not that cool.

Everyone knows that.

You're not. Cool girls don't freak out when you cop a feel in the freezer.

Oh! Oh!

You know his number by heart.

This has nothing to do with my heart.

It's business. I broke up with him.

It's like you don't know that I broke up with him.

I broke up with him. Didn't know if you caught that 'cause my back was to you.

Hey, everybody!

Good news!

My baby was delivered today.

Oh, my God!

Did I black out for nine months again?

The baby didn't come out of my box, Earl.

It came out of this one.

Wow, you can really get anything on Amazon.

It's called a "Maybe Baby."

While Oleg and I are trying to get pregnant, we're gonna use it to practice for the real thing.

So you're having a key-section?

Strangely, this is not the weirdest birth we've seen at the diner.

Do you like him?

Weren't you the baby in "American sn*per"?

Yeah, it's got a computer inside to keep track of our parenting skills.

And if we get a score of over 92, we get 20% at Papa John's.

Any Papa John's!

Well, you're having a fake baby for all the right reasons.

The baby's here?

Aww, you're a father. Think fast!

Aww!

Our first father-son catch.

Let's get to know each other... "Bob"?

All they had left were the white babies.

The single actresses over 40 snap up all the minorities.

Hey, Max.

Could you maybe babysit my Maybe Baby tomorrow?

You know, 'cause I-I really need some me time.

Fine. 20 bucks an hour.

Extra in case he orders some adult movies I've been wanting to see.

Okay, Max, wash your fancy sweatpants.

We are confirmed for Andy and Romy's wedding cake tasting for tomorrow.

[gasps] Andy? You mean that cute guy that you ruined your relationship with?

Sophie, it wasn't the right relationship.

He didn't support my career.

The cupcake thing?

[bell rings]

Pickup!

Like father like son.

Thank you guys so much for coming.

These cakes look so lovely.

They are.

Really nice place you got here.

I noticed there was a door on the bathroom.

I don't want to brag, but check out all the outlets we got.

Lot of power. Two-prong, three-prong.

You got one of those weird European plugs?

Bring it.

How funny is he?

Oh, the funniest.

Oh, God.

So, Romy, it looks like you travel a lot.

I love all your...

[French accent] Objet d'art.

Oh, God.

I'm a hat designer, so I go to Malaysia and Sri Lanka a lot for materials.

I'm poor, so I go to McDonald's and Taco Bell a lot for my meals.

Oh, show 'em one of your hats, Romes.

The purple one Pippa Middleton wore in "Star" magazine.

Oh! Pippa Middleton, wow.

She was up for a job on "The Today Show," but she didn't get it.

Andy, they don't want to see my hats.

Oh, Andy wants us to see your hats.

Let's see your hats. [giggles]

Oh, this guy was there when no one believed in me, and he supported me in every way, and now I'm in over a hundred department stores worldwide.

Worldwide? [forced laugh]

That is wide.

You know the tasting is for them, right?

Come on, let 'em see what you do.

Sorry, I'm a proud fiancé.

It's a little unmanly, but it's m'thing.

Ooh, I'll go get Black Dahlia.

Max will like that one.

[coughs] Oh!

You okay?

Absolutely.

We didn't work out, you found someone great, supported her business, and now you're getting married.

Pretty sure he meant, "Are you choking?"

Yup, that's where I was headed.

Caroline, you broke up with me.

She broke up with you?

I hadn't heard that.

See? All bitter... better.

Max, do you want to try it on?

Ahem, she doesn't need a hat.

Romes said I could have the sweet hat!

Oh, it looks adorable on her. You should have it.

[chuckles] What is this, a hat tasting now?

Well, it's not a cupcake tasting anymore 'cause you ate them all.

You guys are hilarious. I don't need to taste those.

You and Max are a part of Andy's past, and I would honored if you'd do our cake and come to the wedding as our guests.

Oh, that is a great idea. Hey, there will be a lot of self-destructive man-children there.

Max, feels like your kind of party.

And it's on this awesome yacht.

You know, technically it's not a yacht unless it's over 40 feet.

Is it? Okay.

Come on. It'll be fun.

Gah! I don't know.

And I'm not really into fun.

You know, I've had fun and it's not that fun.

Got it. What was I thinking?

Be weird for you, Caroline, right?

Weird?

Weird if we didn't come!

Oh, God.

Look at this, Max.

Cupcakes and candy.

This could have been me and Andy's cake.

Our perfect cake for our perfect marriage.

No marriage is perfect... except Ice-T and Coco.

Now, he's not perfect.

You broke up with him for a reason.

Andy's out there now. Come here.

[romantic music playing]

Music at a wedding? How original.

Oh, there he is.

He looks so handsome in a tuxedo.

Calm down. So does Jane Lynch.

He's not perfect. Look, there.

He's going in for a nose pick.

No, just a scratch.

He has such nice hands. Big hands.

And there's gonna be a ring on it soon.

He's looking over here! Oh, oh!

He can't see me cry!

Okay, come on.

Think of something bad about him.

Think, think, think, think, think.

Uh... he always took too long to finish during sex!

Oh, wait. That's a good thing.

It is? All right, come on.

There had to be something terribly wrong with that relationship.

There was. That I ended it.

I kicked the perfect guy for me out of my life.

Yup, here come the tears.

And here comes Andy!

Uh, do you have a bathroom? Oh!

[wedding guests applauding]

Hey! Thought I saw you guys peeking out of here.

So you guys act weird everywhere?

Yup, that's our signature.

Got us bounced out of Six Flags.

Where's Caroline?

The pretty ladies' room.

(both) Hmm.

So it looks like you're getting married to Not Caroline.

How's she doing?

I'm getting the feeling this has been hard for her.

Temperature check.

Okay, I don't understand.

Are you asking me to bend over?

What if Caroline thought she might have made a mistake by breaking up with you? Would you consider being a runaway groom and giving it another sh*t with her?

Just a thought.

Well, I guess I'd have to say it's too late.

I'm getting married to Romy. I love her.

So that's a firm no?

Uh, Max.

All yours now.

How about we pretend like none of this happened and you guys come watch me get married, okay?

Andy, wait.

I'm sorry.

I really am happy for you.

Go live your life. I wish you well.

Thank you. That means a lot to me.

Um...

I really did love you.

I know.

Even though you broke up with me.

Yeah, even though I broke up with you.

I did it. I didn't cry.

Max, what's wrong?

[sobbing] You could have had it all!

Max, I've never seen you cry.

I'm sorry, but maybe he was the perfect guy!

And he loved you! You heard him!

Max, it's okay. Nobody gets it all.

Max, turn around and look at me.

No, I don't want you to see me cry.

Max, turn around.

This hat doesn't even work!

Oh, hey, I was just looking for the bathroom.

I wanted to get stoned before Andy got hitched.

You got some love for me and my friend here?

We need it.

Whoa.

They put candy on Andy's wedding cake?

Brutal, dude.

Why is it brutal, dude?

'Cause of the bald spot where I ate the gumdrops?

No, I mean with Andy's business in the toilet.

Andy's business is in the toilet?

Yeah, he had to close it down, but it's cool.

Romy's, like, loaded now.

I can't believe Andy didn't tell me his business was in the toilet.

[knocks on door]

Oh, bummer.

Looks like I gotta do this wedding thing sobes.

As long as it's not me, right?

That stoner, who I can easily see having very sloppy sex with later, just saved the day 'cause now we know Andy lied to you.

And I wouldn't want to be with someone who can't be honest.

See? He is so not perfect.

You so would not have had it all.

Caroline.

Andy?

I'm kind of in a hurry but I think you should know something.

I lost my business.

I didn't want to tell you because I was too proud.

I wanted you to think my life was perfect, and it's not.

I mean, it's great, but it's not perfect.

Okay, I gotta go get married. See you out there.

All right, so he's perfect.

I guess I'm not taking this dress back 'cause we're swimming home.

We're not swimming.

We're gonna take the "I hate my life" boat.

Um, big news.

Andy and Romy are in Mexico for their honeymoon.

Weather forecast?

Cloudy with a chance of diarrhea.

Um, can I borrow that for a sec?

Oh, you're on her Instagram.

Cute. Good-bye.

You unfollowed her?

Now it's gonna look like I'm jealous and can't handle their happiness.

Ya can't!

Hey, everybody! Look!

I got our report card back from the Maybe Baby people!

We passed the test!

We're gonna be solid "C" parents!

Well, that's a better grade than the diner got.

I'm gonna miss that little guy.

What I'm not gonna miss is fighting it to get to Sophie's boob.

Okay, people.

Are you leaving?

I hope it was something I said.

Well, I have a video that is sure to go viral.

I'm gonna stuff myself in this suitcase for the Williamsburg Diner challenge.

Caroline, you film it this time.

Max, you zip me up.

And I thought I'd be the first one to die here.

I, Han Lee, nominate Mr. George Clooney to the Williamsburg Diner challenge of packing yourself in a suitcase.

I'm also a fan of "The Men Who Stare At Goats."

Let 'er zip, Max!

Han... consider this my birthday present.

I got my Papa John's gift certificate.

Mama Sophie wants to buy pizza for everyone!

Well, now is as good a time as any.

(Han) Hello?

Are you filming? Hello?

Don't tell George Clooney!

Anyone? Are you filming?

[cash register bell dings]