01x12 - The Odd Couple

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Ash.

You're a female, right?

[sighs]

Which one of these is a hotter look?

I don't think you're going to fit into either one.

It's not for me. It's for my lizard Earl.

This year, he'll be getting a girlfriend... [chuckles]

I figure one of us shouldn't be lonely.

Anyway, I've been having a really tough time [snoring]

Ashley! I haven't even got to the boring part yet.

Sorry, Franklin.

I was working till 3:00 in the morning last night at Billy's.

Wow. You must be making a lot of money.

I'm barely making anything.

Billy hasn't given me a raise since I started.

That's not fair. After school, we're going down to Billy's and demanding you get paid what you're worth.

I can't take a pay cut!

I call this next REKT video I tackle Conor on the stairs.

What happens is...

I don't wanna give it away.

Watch out, dude.

Wendell, do you realize what you did?

Yeah. I REKT you!

You saved my life.

I saved your life is what I did.

All: Wendell, Wendell, Wendell, Wendell. Wendell, Wendell, Wendell, Wendell!

[title music]

1x11 - The Odd Couple

I want you to know, this changes things. I owe you.

You need anything, I'll do it.

Come on.

Do I look like the type of person who would expect favors for saving your life? [scoffs]

Although... there are a couple things on my to-do list.

[scoffs] "Item number one: Build a ferret fort"?

They can't live in my grandma's wig box forever.

Last week, she accidentally wore Mr. Bitey to church.

Just get to it whenever you can.

Oh...

But now would be great.

Hey, Billy. I was thinking that maybe it's time for me to get a raise.

Well, you have been working here a while.

How's a ten-percent raise sound?

That sounds fair.

Hold it!

Well, why don't you ask him to throw in a raincoat for ya, because you're getting hosed, honey.

I'll be negotiating on behalf of my client, Ashley Parker.

Is this a library card?

Franklin, it's okay. Billy just gave me a ten-percent raise.

Ten percent? [scoffs] That won't even cover my fee.

We want 100% raise, profit sharing, six month paid vacation, and a preferred parking spot.

But she doesn't even have a car!

Oh. Then she's gonna need a car.

I don't even have a car.

I can't afford any of that!

Then she's walking.

What are you doing?

It's called playing hardball.

If he thinks we're going to leave, he'll fold.

Walking out that door, Billy.

Getting closer to the door, Billy.

Almost out the door, Billy.

Door closing, Billy.

Got him right where we want him!

You just cost me my job.

Don't worry. He'll come back.

I got a feeling in my gut.

What's your gut feeling now?

Mostly pain.

Hey, gamers. Here's a little tip.

If you have a friend who's about to save your life, don't let him do it!

Wendell's being a real... a real Wendell.

Saved your life.

Saved your life.

Saved your life.

So this is what I do now. I keep paying Wendell back for the one good thing he's ever done.

Now that I've finished his dumb ferret fort, I'll get some time to myself.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I'm moving in.

Uh, no, no. You cannot move in.

This is my house. You have to go back to your house.

No can do. Turns out that junky wood you found to build my ferret fort was loaded with termites.

Now they're fumigating, my whole family has to stay at my aunt's house.

Then why don't you stay with her?

Because she's super annoying.

Oh, time for my practice.

What practice?

[playing off-key]

I hope you're happy.

Thanks to you, I am out of a job.

[sighs] Look, you don't get to be where I am in this business without having a back-up plan.

Where are you in this business?

And what is this business?!

Billy's going to have to hire somebody new, so all we have to do to make him want you back is get him to hire an even worse employee than you.

Oh, I'm sorry. There's a problem with your soup?

Oh, no, that's as good as it's gonna get.

Your steak's too tough?

I'm sorry. I can help you with that.

There you go. Enjoy.

Eh, someone else will get it.

Worse employee than me?

Huh! Good luck with that.

I get caught mouth-kissing one soccer ball, and I'm fired?

Oh, that's fair, yeah.

Both: Stu!

Hey, gamers, here's how you know if you have the worst roommate in the world.

He lets his ferrets nest in your brand-new gaming chair.

Aww! Bitey had babies.

He uses a litter box.

And he's constantly tackling people in his stupid REKT videos.

I'm surprised I'm even getting through this video without... [grunts]

REKT!

Our plan's working. Stu got the job!

Now we'll just give him an order he'll mess up, and Billy will fire him on the spot.

Here's one I never got right.

Hey, Stu.

We would like to order two waters.

Okay.

Are you gonna go get them?

I already did.

[both gasp]

How did you...

Oh, no. You've made a horrible mistake.

We wanted lemon.

I know.

Dang. He's good.

You know what? Maybe it's time we order our food.

[both talking at once]

Got it.

Oh, he's gonna mess this up so bad.

And when he does, Billy will fire him...

Sorry it took so long.

Bon appetit.

In 1776, the revolution...

Conor.

In 1776, the revolution...

Conor.

In 1776...

Conor!

Whaa? What is it, Wendell?

Are you busy?

I'm trying to do your homework.

Well, don't mess it up.

I'm really trying to buckle down these days.

What do you want?

I was wondering if you have any strong glue that would hold together your mom's lamp, your father's ship in a bottle, or even, say, your gamer of the year trophy?

What?! Uh, did you break all those things?

No, I certainly did not. Our ferrets did.

They're not our ferrets. They're your ferrets.

Oh, whenever they do something bad, they're my ferrets, but whenever they do something good...

They never do anything good.

They're stinky, weird cat-snakes.

Look, I really appreciate you saving my life, but you have to move out.

Why? You don't want me here?

No... It's just... I came down with a very contagious disease.

Oh. I'm sorry, buddy.

What do you have?

Peruvian... butt pox.

Awesome. I have it, too! We're pox buddies.

You have the Peruvian butt pox?

Got it just after I came down with a raging case of the nipple ripple.

Oh! What don't you have?

Apparently an immune system.

Now here's a tip for your butt pox.

You want some relief? Give it a good rub with that little scratching brush you keep on your sink.

My toothbrush?!

Ew, you put that thing in your mouth?! Sick, dude!

I will not let you ruin my life, Wendell Ruckus.

Game on.

[music]

In 1776...

Conor.

In 1776, the revolution...

Conor.

What is it, Billy?

You mind if I join you?

Sure. Why aren't you eating at your restaurant?

Ha! The place is packed. I couldn't find a seat.

It's my new waitress Stu. When he says...

[imitating Stu] "Thank you. Please come back again if you want," they actually do!

Well, I had to get out of my house because I'm living with Wendell and his ferrets.

The shedding, the biting, the mangy smell.

And the ferrets are even worse.

Roommates can be tricky. Look at these Amazonian spitting frogs.

Green one's cool, calm, just chillin'.

But the yellow one's a poisonous, vicious k*ller.

The Wendell.

They should be enemies.

But they figured out a way to live in harmony.

Huh.

You're right.

If they can live together, Wendell and I can, too.

I mean, technically, he is a friend.

And I wouldn't be here if he hadn't saved my life.

You know what? I think I can make this work.

[loud music, honking, chatter]

This is never gonna work!

All right, here's how to get rid of an annoying roommate who you happen to owe your life to.

You have to save his life and even the score.

That's why I drew up this plan... literally.

First, I'm gonna take Wendell to the River Walk, and make him think he's got a poisonous spitting frog on his arm.

But really, it'll just be the harmless green one.

I smack the frog off his arm, and bam, life saved.

So long, Wendell. [chuckling]

Oh, that is a different plan.

Oh. Me and my doodles.

I still think this one might work.

Stu is unbelievable. I just got my appetizer, and I haven't even ordered it yet. Billy must be thrilled.

[crying]

Are you enjoying your meal?

Are you gonna come back here?

Stu, you gotta slow down, man. I haven't been off my feet for days.

The phone's ringin' off the hook for reservations.

And what am I supposed to do with these big bags of cash?

I recommend a diversified hedge fund of low-risk annuities.

[frustrated groan]

Billy, look at what this place has turned into.

You're miserable.

I know.

Your beautiful restaurant filled with strangers, coming in here, eating your food. Your food.

The more they eat, the more I have to buy.

It's a vicious cycle that never ends. If this keeps up, I'm gonna have to open another restaurant.

Oh, no, you're not. This ends right now.

You're hiring me back with a ten-percent raise.

I think we should ask for 20.

[growling]

Ten's good.

And the first thing I'm going to do is fire Stu.

Oh, thank you.

Stu.

He's gone.

He left this note.

Stu: Dear Billy the Squid's, I've decided to take a job where my talents will be appreciated by true culinary masters at the Spaghetti Barn. I'll remember you all..."

Do you have to read over my shoulder?

Read the end. It's pretty powerful.

"From Stu"?

That's me. I'm Stu.

All right, guys. Ashley is back.

Welcome back, Ashley.

If you could clean up...

I'm on a break.

Oh, I missed you so...

I said I'm on a break.

Um, excuse me, ma'am.

There are some kids in the parking lot making a bald eagle eat a churro.

All right, I'm here.

Oh...

Where's this dead pigeon you promised me?

Uh, dude, you just missed it.

A bigger pigeon came down and ate it.

Aw, man. I miss all the cool stuff.

Oh, well, what you gonna do?

Well, time to head back to our place, roomie.

Wendell.

What?

Do not move. There's a super poisonous Amazonian spitting frog on your shoulder.

No! I'm too awesome to die.

Hold still. Hold still.

That was a close call.

Oh, and something occurred to me just now.

I saved your life, which means we're even.

Huh. Guess we are.

[frog croaking]

[gasping] There's a poisonous frog on my shoulder!

On it.

Hey, look at that. I saved your life two times.

Now let's go home, roomie.

[sobbing]

[playing off-key]

Ooh, I'm getting better.

Well, you're certainly getting louder.

Yeah, same difference.

Hey, uh, Wendell, I thought we agreed yesterday that you'd play those things outside.

You know, I tried that.

But then all your neighbors' dogs started howling.

One got so excited, he peed on your skateboard.

So, they're finishing fumigating your house tomorrow, right?

You must be dying to get back home.

You know, I've been thinking about that.

And even after they get rid of the termites at my house, I think I'm gonna stay here.

Howdy doody, gloomy roomies.

Franklin, what are you doing here?

Yeah. Nobody ordered a wet blanket.

Good one, Wendell.

Turns out that junky wood you gave me to make a spice rack for my mother was infested with termites.

Spice rack? You should've made her something nice.

I gave my mom a sweet dead bird necklace.

She loved it so much, she let me keep it.

Anyway... [clears throat] thanks to Conor, they're fumigating my house, so I'm movin' in!

Then I'm moving out!

I'd rather sleep in a house full of termites and poison than be roommates with Franklin.

No, no, no. Please don't go.

But if you must... don't forget your bagpipes.

I'll be back for my ferrets. Don't nerd 'em up.

Nice job, Franklin. Worked like a charm.

No problem, sir.

You know, I was thinking I could hang out and maybe...

You know, Franklin, sometimes the best times you spend with friends are the times you spend apart.

Uh-oh.

One of Wendell's ferrets is chewing on the wire in your ceiling fan.

I saved your life!

Do you know what that means?!

Yeah.

I'll get the futon.

Shrimp burger, plankton platter, and a crab salad. Got it.

See you in 20 seconds.

It's cool that Stu inspired Ashley to step up her waitress game.

Yeah, but 20 seconds? No way.

[clattering]

[cat yowling]

Did I make it?

Sure did.

Way to go.

No tip for you.