03x08 - A Bachelorette Party Walks Into A Bar

[bunniefuu]

Guys, honestly, I thought bachelor parties were supposed to be raunchy and all they're doing is talking...

But they did give me these really cute and delicious candies.

What do you think they are? Do you think they're little hot dogs?

Sweetie, hot dogs don't have testicles.

No way, candy penis's. It's my second favorite kind of penis!

Well, I'm just proud of you guys for not being over there and hitting on the vulnerable girls sad that they're not the ones getting married.

Guys like that are so lame.

Oh really? Is it so lame, is it so lame?

Or am I trying to make some friends?

Yeah, I did say I'd sub in if the stripper didn't show up but that's obviously the friendly thing to do when your body moves like this.

Danny, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my mom at the Pistons game after she finished her second beer...

I love you but nobody wants to see you take your pants off.

Look, forget about the bachelorettes, Candace and I decided something.

Tell him Boo.

Danny, we're so tired of getting to know whatever dumb ass you're dating.

Hey! They are not all dumb.

The girl you brought to Thanksgiving thought Syria was a cool way to say serious Can you remember? Oh, I love gravy.

Oh, my God I'm being totally "Syria!"

Look, my point is one of my closest friends just moved back into town and I think the two of you would really hit it off. I think you'd click.

Oh, you think I need to be set up?

Okay. That's hilarious. I'm going to laugh in each one of your faces. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

A British one for you: Ho!

"That was really funny, mate."

Cheerio. You know.

Anyway, dude, I already met and am vibing with this really cool chick at the bachelor party.

She's smart, funny and really cool, okay? Her name's Charlotte. Understand?

You guys kind of sound like the perfect match.

What are you talking about?

Oh Danny, we knew you wouldn't go for any girl we set you up with but you just lucked out because you just met her.

No. No! Hold on, Charlotte?

Yes?

Tell me that you aren't already friends with Justin?

You mean this nerdy guy who used to do my homework for me when we were 10 because I let him see me naked?

Jokes on her, I love doing homework.

Wait, Did Justin tell you that I look like a young Keanu Reeves?

Uh no, you don't look like a young anyone because of how time works.

Oh, she's a keeper!

It might actually work out, you know, this time.

Hey, you guys see "The Wiz" last night?

It was awesome. It was so great seeing that many black people on TV outside of the NBA finals.

Brett, you should get in the game, that bachelorette party brought one of their gay best friends Oh yeah, you're right. Let me just get a quick pump on.

How's that?

Totally fixed it.

Can I get a black eye. It's a sh*t of whiskey with a black and tan.

How about a sh*t of whiskey with a white and chunky?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm Brett and I hate myself.

I thought it was cute. You want to sneak out of here?

So, uh, who's getting married?

Oh, my new boss, Suzy over there.

You go, girl!

No, you go, girl.

Straight to hell. I hate her.

She has perfect skin, a great ass and her father gave her a fashion line.

Wait, don't be that mad you have some of those things.

So, what are you into girl-wise?

I feel like your sex life is a lot like Nick Cage's movie career. You'll do anything.

Yeah, in all fairness, I am trying to get past that.

I bet when Nick Cage has sex and he finishes he says his own name. Ha, ha, ha! Nick Cage.

Ha-ha. I have a kid.

Sorry, that comes out at random times and I know what you're going to say: "you're too young to have a kid!"

That was actually a really good impression of me but...

Hold on, I've forgot this part.

Oh whoa!

Don't want to show your man parts. Anyway.

Listen...

You're showing your personality so I feel like I can show my balls.

Don't get us canceled twice.

Anyway...

Anyway. Boy, you have a kid, that's great. Very cool You just like made that with your body or...

Yeah. That's kind of how it works.

His name is Will but he's four, so my body has had plenty of time to bounce back down there, you know tighten up and...

Am I ruining this or are you asking me out?

Well, I was going to ask you out for the past hour but you've been talking about you vag*na bounced back. So, do you want to go out tomorrow?

Sure! If...

You know what, don't act like you two knew this was going to happen.

You're right, if I knew that my best friend and oldest gal pal were going to get together, I would have brought the gospel choir you and I sing with every weekend. One, two, three, four...

♪ hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪
♪ And they shall date forever and ever ♪
♪ hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪
♪ hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪
♪ hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪

You know, I haven't seen Brett in a while.

What happened with him and that guy last night?

He actually just texted me.

What do you think an emoji of a beer keg and a donkey means?

It means he tapped that ass.

Wow, you look so cute all dressed up.

You know I promised I wouldn't get too excited but seeing you excited is getting me excited.

Look, could you two stop acting like I'm a kid getting ready to go to prom?

Sorry.

I'm going to take some pictures.

I know you won't stop me because you don't mind new photos out there, so, you will always pose Come on dude, put the phone...

Come on, man, I hate that, dude.

Stop taking pictures, dude.

Very cool, very cool, very cool.

I mean, this is a grown up move for you, Danny.

Has anybody else here ever dated a woman with a kid?

I once dated a guy with a 14-year-old son.

Such a sweet boy. He was mostly into baseball and stealing my underwear.

I want you to get that underwear back.

Question: Do you have any photos of you in it so I know what I'm looking for?

Listen, I really don't think Charlotte having a kid is that big of a deal.

What, are you kidding me? It's a huge deal. My mother was a single parent I latched on to every guy she dated.

Jose, Hector, Carlos, Esteban.

Justin's mom was serving in a Mexican restaurant The point is, when you date somebody with a kid, it's immediately more serious.

It's real, it's more "importante".

Do you guys all feel this way?

[All agree] Yeah Si.

You look like a sexy vampire. I'm gonna call you Count Rackula.

Thanks Shel. I'm wearing three pairs of Spanx.

They're so tight I had to ride in my uber like this.

You ready to go?

Uh, listen, I'm sorry Charlotte but I don't think I can be your son's Esteban.

You idiot! Did you scare him away with the story of your mom and Escobar, and Jose and all the bus boys she banged?

First off, it was Esteban not Escobar you r*cist, alright?

Sorry, I'm just watching Netflix.

Does anyone want to make this day worse?

Yep, I'll give it a sh*t.

So, you know the gay guy at your boss's bachelorette party?

There was no gay guy, just the groom who stopped by for a minute Exactly.

So, I slept with the groom.

So, you think Charlotte's still mad?

Yeah. I do.

Of course I am mad, you set me up with a guy who immediately bailed and Mary Poppins over here decided to open up his umbrella inside my boss's fiance.

Don't be pissed at me, as soon as I realized it was the groom, I had a shower and got out of there.

Be real with her Brett. Were you in that shower alone?

Was I in the shower alone? Nope, there were two penis's, so no.

Sounds like some of my showers recently.

... marrying a gay guy.

Just casually bring it up at work in the break room.

You get a yogurt, you walk up and say you know what I like about this yogurt?

The fruit at the bottom.

And you know who else loves the bottom?

You know what, it's really too bad, you guys would have been such a good couple.

You're both loud and edgy and really pale.

You're like a female Danny.

I wish I could find a female Shelly.

Look.

You want to smoke weed?

You want to smoke weed?

I can't believe you ran out on Charlotte just because she has a kid.

Listen, I'm mad at myself too. Okay?

You know the scene in "Footloose" where Kevin Bacon is so pissed at the world because he just wants to dance but it's against the law?

I've been doing that angry dance.

Hey, taking off was super weak.

Dude, why did you bring Burski?

I didn't even know he was in the car until I pulled into the driveway.

I have was hiding in the backseat.

Why don't you go out with Charlotte and see what happens?

Because I really like her! I had a whole conversation with her for like an hour and you know what? I would probably do it again and it's like, who feels that way?

Look, I know it's scary when a relationship already feels real and it's not even the beginning.

Yeah, it's terrifying except now there's a kid involved so obviously he's going to think I'm awesome so it's like...

What do I do? I mean what happens with the kid if I screw things up like I normally do?

Okay, What is wrong with you? Okay?

The one thing about my brother that I've always been jealous of is your completely unearned confidence.

That is true. You know how everybody has a voice inside them that tells them how they are, mine goes like this: "Hey Danny, you're awesome no matter what anybody says, you're so beautiful and bold and strong... and no matter what you can do anything."

The voice inside my head just says "wine and cheeses are not a meal".

That's so sad. Anyway, look, the problem is...

The problem is that like Charlotte's so cool that she's like twisting me up and that voice I have is gone.

You're the best, Danny. You're so beautiful and bold and strong.

Man, what are you doing?

I'm saying I'll be the voice in your head if you need it, man.

Because you have a chance at something real here.

Every day I go into that bar and hangout with a girl I'm crazy about in hopes that someday if I wait long enough something real could happen.

You're so lucky you don't have to wait. Don't, don't miss your chance man.

Never speak of this moment.

I kissed your sister.

Thank you again for hosting my party at this bar.

You're welcome.

Doug, will you go settle up with the bartender?

And make sure you give him a big tip.

Oh, he already did.

Hahahaha, oh, good one, Shelly. Ha-ha.

Suzy, Justin here has something he'd like to say to you. You're up.

Um, hello.

Hi.

Suzy, when you and Doug go out for ice cream, you split a hot fudge sundae, do you get it with all the works, the whipped cream, the sprinkles? The nuts?

No, Doug hates nuts.

See, that's where you're wrong.

Okay! I'm going to borrow him for one second You know that old saying if you can't say anything nice, let your boss marry a gay guy.

Oh, hey Charlotte great, you're still here, can we talk?

Sure, let me just say goodbye to my friends here. Good to see you again.

Oh! Hey Suzy. Good to see you again.

So, cool move bringing the hot guy to the party for my friend, Brett.

You guys old friends or what?

Excuse me?

Well, I'm just wondering how you know Brett 's boyfriend.

What?

No. No, Danny, no boyfriend.

Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Message received.

How long have you known the guy who Brett is having sex with?

What are you talking about?

I feel like I'm being very clear.

He had sexual intercourse with him.

And I'm wondering how you know him.

You're gay? Are you kidding me?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady. It is 2015.

Okay. Give me one good reason why he can't have hot sex with that man over there.

Because he's my fiance.

That's actually a really good reason.

Bye, Suze, love you, mean it. Good job.

Wow, guys, you know what, I'm glad that this happened because people should know what they're getting into before they start a relationship.

So, yeah, for Suzy maybe that means she needs to decide if she wants to marry a guy who is fine with kissing other guys.

Yes, and for you, Danny, it means deciding whether or not you're grown up enough to date my awesome friend who just so happens to have a child.

You know, if it was up to me, I'd ask her out again but, you're too chicken.

You're the best, Danny.

Thanks, voice inside Danny's head.

Look, I'm sorry I chickened out the first time and I'd love another chance if you're up for it.

I'd love to take you out for some pizza later.

Sorry, you blew it.

Just kidding, I was pretending I had some self esteem. Let's go!

Mama Boogie!

Yep. I knew this would all work out.

Hey, no you didn't, all right.

Choir!