Jed: ♪ In an hour, we are free ♪
♪ I'll be free of your belligerence ♪
♪ I'll be free of all your moods... ♪
How are you going to find a man if they think you're Amish?
♪ Jed Fielding ♪
♪ Art critic, legend ♪
♪ Frequent tweeter... ♪
Is this her?
That's her.
You have been such a loyal assistant. What will you do, Caroline?
I expect I'll end up working at Baker's Delight.
(Laughs) What you need is a rich husband.
By all means, take mine!
I wish you nothing but the best, my love.
And I have him.
You will find another love as well.
I am completely inured to feminine charms.
♪ If he declared my oeuvre great ♪
♪ My destiny could not be sweeter! ♪
♪ He'll see my art is alive ♪
♪ Profound, refined... ♪
♪ Dearest sister, have you lost all love for Jed? ♪
His arrogance!
♪ But generous, and you claim so good in bed... ♪
She owes us 40 grand, but what I'm thinking...
Too low! This chick holds the keys to a kingdom!
We up the stakes.
Yeah.
♪ The problem is ♪
♪ Although I love her, I think I love ♪
♪ I think I love her husband more. ♪
(Theme music)
(Smooth jazz)
(Gasps)
We want more.
Oh, look, I beg you, please just don't make trouble.
Just stay right by the car.
Venture no further than where you now are and I promise I'll escape from this bash with armfuls of cash.
Look, I'm very nice, as sweet as they come.
I like puppies and I phone my mum.
But my friend is bad.
A direct quote:
'By ten, the funds, or we'll slit your throat.'
(Gasps)
Why are you speaking all matchy-matchy?
Well, she started it.
And it's kind of catchy.
(Smooth jazz)
Caroline.
♪ In case I don't see you ♪
♪ I wanted to say farewell ♪
♪ Caroline, I hope that you and I remain... ♪
♪ I'm afraid you'll never see me again ♪
♪ Have I offended you somehow? ♪
♪ Not at all ♪
♪ And I hope I'll be well remembered ♪
♪ But soon I will be buried ♪
♪ After being dismembered! ♪
Buried? ♪ After being dismembered? ♪
In a forest!
♪ After being dismembered! ♪
In a forest? ♪ After being dismembered! ♪
Or a cave! ♪ After being dismembered! ♪
♪ Dismembered? ♪
♪ After being dismembered? ♪
In a shallow grave!
♪ After being ♪
♪ Dismembered! ♪
What?!
♪ I borrowed thousands from loan sharks ♪
♪ I don't know! ♪
♪ I lost my head ♪
♪ I'll be iced unless I pay quick smart ♪
♪ You're looking at the walking dead. ♪
Why did you borrow so much cash?
♪ We who dwell on the fringes of wealth ♪
♪ Grow an appetite for it ♪
♪ Without the means to feed it ♪
♪ I worked for Jed and Iris ♪
♪ And fell in love with a life ♪
♪ I was not meant to have ♪
♪ I fell in love with a life ♪
♪ That was not for me ♪
♪ I fell in love with a life ♪
♪ And I've lived beyond my means ♪
♪ Now I pay the price ♪
♪ A lonely death ♪
♪ Now I pay the price ♪
♪ A lonely death ♪
♪ A lonely death ♪
♪ At the hands of mobsters! ♪
I'll help you. I'll save the day.
Oh, William, give me some advice.
I'll call those bastards, man to man.
This threatening stuff, it's just for show.
I'll suggest a clever payment plan.
Mr Fiscal, c'est moi, you know?
I doubt hit men are into payment plans.
Look, a good payment plan and a bit of ordinary common sense will do the trick.
It always does.
(Chuckles)
♪ What we have coveted in secret ♪
♪ At last, my love, we can have in life ♪
♪ While Iris has longed to be your ex ♪
♪ I have longed to be your wife ♪
♪ Though it's hard, we cannot fail ♪
♪ To tell my sister the true stakes ♪
♪ That in the spousal garage sale ♪
♪ I purchase now what she forsakes ♪
♪ At last, my love ♪
♪ At last, my love ♪
♪ I purchase now what she forsakes ♪
♪ With love, scruples may be dropped ♪
(Exhales)
♪ Between sisters, husbands can be swapped ♪
(Exhales)
♪ Tell Iris, her trash becomes my treasure ♪
♪ I have longed to be your wife ♪
♪ At last, my love ♪
♪ At last, my love ♪
♪ I purchase now what she forsakes. ♪
Chorus: ♪ I honestly don't know what his game is ♪
♪ But I frankly loathe Martin Amis ♪
♪ Recently, you know, I've often heard it said ♪
♪ That print is virtually dead ♪
♪ When cycling last in north Siberia ♪
♪ I found the Kindle far superior ♪
♪ There was a major brouhaha ♪
♪ When he mispronounced the word 'quinoa'. ♪
Um... allow me.
Ah, higher.
Er, yep.
L... lower. Ah, ah... slower. Ah...
Quickly. R-raise the right side a fraction.
Hmm... hm.
(Sighs)
I wonder if the... the-the juxtaposition of light together with the... the... the-the-the contours of the elementary planes of context and subtext might, um... make it work better on the far wall.
The-the-the the view creates a sublime ironic frame.
The... the window.
You have something of an eye.
(Chuckles nerviously)
My heart is pounding.
I have prayed to meet the greatest critic of our time.
I'm not worthy, I'm afraid (chuckling).
You're my hero. Your words... sublime.
Good God, I'm not a hero.
Er, our intellectual muse!
My goodness me, no, no, no.
Another, younger, Robert Hughes!
Not at all! (Chuckles) The press is often overstated. Ah...
The-the fuss the Guardian piece created.
Ah... um...
'Critic bigger than Jesus, only "mod"'.
Ah, I think the term was 'demigod'.
(Both chuckle)
Your musings on my brain are scarred.
Your every statement, intense and true.
Your recent piece on the avant-garde... immortalised in this tattoo.
♪ 'In labore quies' ♪
♪ 'In work lies rest' ♪
♪ Your closing line, nothing greater... ♪
Did I say that?
Yes.
Hm.
Impressive for a waiter.
No, I'm an artist.
Oh, no.
Oh, large scale, expressive...
Please, no more.
I've got my Kombi van parked behind the house. Yeah. If I could Kombi van? Just show you just one or two and get your esteemed opinion on my work...
♪ Young man, let me assure you ♪
♪ True creativity is rarer than the rarest diamond... ♪
Unpolished, but it's in me.
♪ It flourishes of its own accord ♪
♪ Its hosts have no need to seek approval ♪
♪ It rises through the chaff ♪
♪ And finds its way into the starry firmament ♪
♪ Immortal, unmistakable ♪
♪ I know he's right I feel it coursing through me ♪
♪ I know he's right I am a genius, genius ♪
♪ I know he's right ♪
♪ I feel it coursing through me ♪
♪ You are no... ♪
♪ I know he's right ♪
♪ ...gen... ♪
♪ I am a genius, genius ♪
♪ ...ius ♪
♪ And if you are no genius, then really... ♪
Both: ♪ What's the point? ♪
♪ My advice to you ♪
♪ Be an accountant ♪
♪ Not everybody needs a mediocre oil ♪
♪ But everyone pays taxes. ♪
(Phone bleeps)
♪ Do I know myself? ♪
♪ The ghastly truth of all this stealth ♪
♪ If you lose your soul ♪
♪ You don't have wealth ♪
♪ I got far above my station ♪
♪ And now, guided by self-preservation ♪
♪ Loyalty, love, duty, all I flout ♪
♪ Can I trade them for an out ♪
♪ Of this selfish self-made mess ♪
♪ This moral tightrope, precipice? ♪
(Screams)
♪ Death's squalid invitation ♪
♪ No pleading, no persuasion ♪
♪ Only bling ♪
♪ Bling's the thing ♪
♪ And though defunct ♪
♪ It's Iris's ring. ♪
(Upbeat jazz)
(Chuckles)
Looking forward to my wife?
All's fair in love and w*r, as they say.
As who says?
People.
Ha.
Listen, I hope there are no hard feelings.
Oh, I hope something's hard, William.
I think Iris is very much looking forward to something.
Hard feelings.
I'll respect her, I'll nurture her.
Touching.
I'm going to manage her affairs awfully well.
Let me tell you from experience, it's quite hard to manage her... affairs.
Her eye roves, if you get my drift.
Before you know it, there's a new stallion in the paddock.
Oh, maybe not a stallion so much...
We'll be city-based.
A paddock-free zone.
Oh. (Chuckles) W-what do you like to do, William, hm?
Do?
With my wife?
Simple pleasures. Dinner and a movie.
Oh! Oh, my Lord! (Laughs)
What?
Lordy, Lordy, Lord!
What is it?
Dinner and a movie? Ah...
Heed my words, inside every intelligent woman is an appetite for wildly erotic trekking.
Trekking?
Into the glade of the unknown.
But stability... They do?
They hate that.
They want the intoxicating turmoil of lust.
Insufferable.
What, my love?
Your husband.
Soon to be ex.
Pompous windbag.
Of course he is.
Egocentric.
He invented it.
It's impossible to see what once appealed.
Of course.
Absolutely.
What?
Actually, once...
Once...
What?
Well, he had something.
A certain...
...esprit.
He did?
♪ On a tour of the Hermitage, he proposed ♪
♪ In front of Jan Steen's Marriage Contract ♪
♪ Some charm in that ♪
♪ Some charm in that ♪
♪ On our honeymoon he climbed atop a Paris barge ♪
♪ And sang Love Will Keep Us Together ♪
♪ I stood and cried ♪
♪ I stood and cried ♪
♪ At Easter, he wrote my name on the lawn ♪
♪ In tiny golden eggs ♪
♪ One ordinary Wednesday, he slipped a diamond in my ugg boot ♪
♪ When I turned 50, a truck arrived ♪
♪ A truck arrived ♪
♪ A truck arrived ♪
♪ And spilled 2,000 tulips all over the grass ♪
♪ In every shade of blue ♪
♪ All to tiptoe through. ♪
w*nk*r!
♪ But you're the only man for me ♪
♪ My love, my man ♪
♪ And you, the only woman for me ♪
Both: ♪ We found each other ♪
♪ Before, only grazed by Cupid's arrow ♪
♪ Now he's found a perfect target ♪
♪ sh*t full of love, sh*t full of love ♪
♪ sh*t full of love, sh*t full of love. ♪
I love you, Iris.
Just... enormously.
(Chuckles)
Chorus: ♪ It's crazy, he is half her age ♪
♪ She wants to turn back time like Cher ♪
♪ A woman who is smart and sage ♪
♪ Admires youth but then defers ♪
♪ But grow up, Iris! ♪
♪ Don't ditch your marriage for a bore ♪
♪ Re-find your love with Jed ♪
♪ And ageing? ♪
♪ That's what botox is for. ♪
I'm sure he's found a lover.
I don't think Jed's quite at that...
Some busty blonde with a penchant for pompous old coots.
I'm sure he hasn't.
A cock-tease cluey in art history who'll worship someone old like Jed.
A mentor, full of wisdom and mystery...
He's mentoring her right into bed.
(Chuckles)
By the way... what do you think about dinner and a movie?
What?
Now?
Did you lock it?
You locked it.
Oh, that's right.
Old friend, congratulations.
If that's the right word.
Oh, without a doubt, it is.
You two, of all our friends, have my greatest admiration.
Our love smashed against the shores of time, splinters of affection, rather than your sturdy ship on becalmed seas.
(Both chuckle)
It's all sounding very Titanic.
(Laughs)
We hit the iceberg of middle-aged ennui.
Patrick and Ellen: ♪ Two people we love more than any others ♪
♪ Two halves of a whole, in our memories ♪
♪ We love you both in sickness and in health ♪
♪ In sanity and madness ♪
♪ Even if you don't ♪
♪ Two people we love more than any others ♪
♪ Two halves of a whole, in our memories ♪
♪ You make your foolish choices ♪
♪ Foolish ♪
♪ Believing in some golden age ♪
♪ Golden age ♪
♪ But true friends ♪
♪ But true friends ♪
♪ Support your delusions, support your delusions ♪
♪ Your delusions, as you support ours. ♪
(Chuckles)
Come on.
Let's go in, you lovebirds.
(Gasps) Oh, hi.
Hi.
So... you and Iris are free at last to explore the full gamut of your love.
Yes. The full gamut.
Should I resist confiding in you?
I don't see why.
After all... I am about to die.
♪ I've wanted Iris for so long ♪
♪ But now I almost have her ♪
♪ Forgive me if I overstep the line ♪
♪ You are dependable, so stable ♪
♪ So in control ♪
♪ But there is something missing at the core ♪
♪ Something agitates your soul ♪
My God!
I apologise!
♪ No, no! ♪
So impertinent!
♪ Caroline, you see me more clearly than I see myself! ♪
♪ You see... ♪
♪ What? ♪
Well...
♪ Go on ♪
♪ As an infant, in a shopping bag ♪
♪ I was left at a hospital door ♪
♪ On my wrist, a velvet tag ♪
♪ Engraved with just one word ♪
♪ 'Loved,' it said ♪
♪ 'Loved,' it said? ♪
♪ 'Loved,' it said! ♪
♪ Loved ♪
♪ The only word describing what your mother felt ♪
♪ The hand that she was dealt ♪
♪ Loved! She clearly had no option ♪
♪ But to seek out an adoption ♪
♪ Abandonment is at my heart ♪
♪ A neediness I do impart ♪
♪ You're 30 now, and still bereft ♪
♪ This dullness is no lack of soul ♪
♪ I know I'm dull ♪
♪ I know my spirit's lost ♪
♪ I have no role. ♪
Oh, William!
Caroline!
Chorus: ♪ What's going on? What did he say? ♪
♪ The beau who pledged his love to one ♪
♪ Who said with her he'd run away ♪
♪ Is flirting now with her PA. God! ♪
♪ Iris would be wracked if tonight she finds ♪
♪ The woman that she loved and sacked ♪
♪ On her new flame, has some designs ♪
♪ It's so human! ♪
♪ It's such a mess! ♪
♪ It's so deliciously arty ♪
♪ So many foibles to confess! ♪
♪ Love! Greed! Lust! ♪
♪ A perfect party! ♪
♪ Love! Greed! Lust! ♪
♪ A perfect party! ♪
♪ Love! Greed! Lust! ♪
♪ A perfect party! ♪
♪ One love, bitter and capricious ♪
♪ Counters the ordinary and officious ♪
♪ And while it rips some pairs asunder ♪
♪ Reignites our sense of wonder ♪
♪ One love, bitter and capricious ♪
♪ Counters the ordinary and delivers ♪
♪ Sparkle, wisdom, a little pain ♪
♪ And here we go, here we go ♪
♪ Here we go again! ♪
I feel a synchronicity between us.
You're a lovely woman, Ellen.
Chorus: ♪ What's going on with Caroline? ♪
♪ Once the model of propriety ♪
♪ Now drowning her sobriety... ♪
Another drink?
(Gasps)
♪ With our divorce comes a longing ♪
♪ To do exactly as I please... ♪
My God!
(Gasps)
Get your painting from the Kombi van.
Oh, my God!
Chorus: ♪ Here we go, here we go ♪
♪ Here we go, here we go again! ♪