01x03 - The Penis Episode (Part 2)

[bunniefuu]

If you have a successful marriage you know what the secret is.

What is the secret?

The secret to successful marriage is never give a sh*t about anything ever again, ever.

Complete capitulation and surrender, you know, like "I think you should wear that mint sweater."

"Yeah, f*ck it. I'll put it on. Let's get out of here."

(Laughter)

"I feel like Thai food."

"Yeah, we just ate it two nights ago. f*ck it. We'll go out and get it again. Come on, let's go."

"Don't come in me."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"I hate your family."

"We don't ever have to see them ever again, ever."

(Laughter)

Where's my phone? "Mom."

Delete. Right there.

(Laughter)

Mom's gone. She's gone now.

Can we just have one more kid?

You're almost 50.

We got one healthy kid and that's a miracle considering you're a spermasaurus.

I'm 49. I'm not like, 70.

Honey, you don't have the energy or the patience.

The last time we had sex you needed to take a power nap.

I always take a nap after.

You took one right in the middle.

I don't remember that.

(Phone vibrates)

Excuse me.

Hello?

Hey, got an offer for you.

Is it a movie?

No, it's a commercial.

I told you, I don't do commercials.

Well, I got the offer and I got to bring it to you, man. It's my job.

But look, hey, it's totally up to you.

I would never try and talk you into something you wouldn't want to do.

Yet, here you are trying to talk me into doing something I don't want to do.

Well, 10% of something is something.

What is it?

The product is called "Prostate Pro."

Prostate Pro?

Yeah. It's for a healthy prostate.

Yeah, I figured it was for something like that.

Look, I'm trying to get a new TV show on.

The last thing I need is for people to start thinking there's something wrong with my plumbing.

Dude, it's half a million dollars for two days of work.

That is a lot of money.

Call me when you have something less career-ending.

Oh my God.

I got an offer.

Yeah.

(♪♪♪♪♪♪)

Have they started running these ads in Taiwan yet?

Yeah, they start in Taipei next week.

Some part of China, like...

(Speaking foreign language)

(Mimics foreign language)

Goes without saying.

Yes They're going to go crazy in (Mimics foreign language).

For sure.

I'm f*cking huge over there.

All right. Ladies and gentleman.

Thank you, members of Chinese press for attending T station launch of the new product.

We are very lucky to have big super movie star from Hollywood.

Please welcome Rob Schneider, the man who now has a functional penis.

(Applause)

Functional penis?

My penis is fine.

Nothing wrong with my d*ck.

Is that okay if I speak Mandarin?

Oh yeah. Mandarin it up.

Okay.

And now to say a few words, Rob Schneider.

Thank you, Jimmy.

First of all, I want to thank Jimmy.

You're welcome.

T station, members of the Chinese media, and the Taiwanese media.

(Mimics foreign language)

Thanks guys, and my wife Patricia, and my beautiful baby Miranda.

Love you guys.

Anyway, it's good sh*t.

(Applause)

Should I drink it?

Yeah. Drink it.

Doesn't have that Viagra sh*t in there, does it?

No. I don't think so.

Okay.

Actually, it does.

You just said it didn't.

I was joking.

It's not f*cking funny.

Where's my money?

(Mimics foreign language)

This almost makes up for you making fun of my d*ck.

(Foreign language)

We got to get out of here. Now.

Yeah, but should we get something to eat first? Please?

I drank some of that Boba sh*t.

Come on. I feel like some dim sum.

I feel like I'm going to knock over this table with my d*ck.

The good thing about being Jewish is we knew on Christmas you can always have Chinese food, because the Chinese don't give a f*ck about any holiday or anything.

(Chinese accent)

Oh, it's Christmas? f*ck. We open.

Come on in. f*ck Jesus. We don't care.

Come on down.

Just because he die, we have to be no make no money?

f*ck, no way.

Bullshit.

What? The president assassinated?

Come on. Two for one buffet. Come on down.

We don't give a f*ck.

9/11? Come on.

We got nine different kinds of meats, 11 different kind of vegetable."

Jimmy's a lunatic, huh?

Yes.

Look who's there.

There you go.

Okay, baby. I'll be right back.

What? Where are you going?

Udo's driving Miranda and I to the baby class.

It's Thursday.

I thought we had plans.

What am I going to do when this thing kicks in?

What do you do when you're on the road?

I don't want to spend that kind of money.

I'll be right back.

Don't waste it.

What are you talking about, stalker?

I got to show you something.

I know. They're at the playground.

If I wanted to go, I'd go. It's better this way.

Are you kidding me? There's no Rob. There's no you.

They look like a happy family.

When did you take this?

It's happening right now.

You got a camera in there?

I don't want you watching my family anymore. You got that?

Unless it's something you really think I need to know, or if there's some strange guy in the neighborhood, or if the alarm system's out.

Hey Rob.

d*ck's looking good.

Same to you, pal.

Does that stuff really work?

What stuff?

The Chinese sh*t.

What Chinese sh*t?

The d*ck tea.

How did you hear about that?

Excuse me a minute.

Can I help you with something?

(♪♪♪)

Holy sh*t!

f*ck.

You've got to be f*cking sh1tting me!

Mr. Rob Schneider. How are you, my friend?

Dude, what the f*ck?

I just saw a Boba Viagra billboard.

Where?

On Sunset Boulevard. Right here in LA.

Is that a good place for it?

I don't give a sh*t. It's not supposed to be there.

300,000 people drive by here every day.

That's pretty good.

No, it's not good.

I'm sorry. It's advertising company.

We paid them and they put a sign where they want.

You never said I would be on a billboard in LA.

That ad was only supposed to be in Taiwan and some obscure parts of China.

What do you want me to do?

Take them down.

It sounds like a pretty good spot.

That's not the point, Jimmy.

I can't have 300,000 people thinking my d*ck's no good.

f*ck!

(Giggling)

(All laughing)

You suck!

Suck it!

Suck it, hard!

Sorry.

Hey.

What happened to your?

I got upset and it went away.

I wasted it.

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Everyone in town thinks there's something wrong with my d*ck.

I swear I only told Angie and she promises not to say anything, but when she drinks she...

It's not Angie.

It's that Viagra Boba crap.

There's a huge billboard of me drinking that sh*t right here in LA.

Didn't you guys have a contract?

Yeah. Bag of cash contract.

I don't think it's that big of a deal.

How can you say that?

They say there's no such thing as bad publicity, right?

Whoever said that never had their erection questioned on a major thoroughfare.

Look, don't change anything.

Just give me a minute.

It'll come back.

It usually does.

Ow!

Horsey, horsey, horsey.

Hey, Udo, Patricia asked me to give you the day off.

Really?

Yeah. So, why don't you go home?

But I live here.

That's right.

Why don't you go to the gym?

Okay. Thanks.

See you later, little lady.

(Babbles)

Where's Udo?

Oh, he asked me if he could go to the gym and I said, "Sure. Why not?"

Really?

Yeah. He said he's spending a lot of time with the baby and needed a little break.

What's Miranda having for breakfast?

The usual.

How do you know? You never feed her.

I've seen her eat before.

I know which hole the food goes into.

I have a meeting.

Are you sure you can handle this by yourself?

Of course.

Hey, is Udo going to take her to her Gymboree class?

No. I'm going to take her.

And just bring an extra outfit too.

In case she throws up.

Extra outfit. Good idea. Thanks.

And bring extra milk.

Okay. Milk. Yeah. Got it.

And the diaper bag.

Okay. You got it.

Diaper bag, extra clothing, extra milk.

Done, done, and done and done.

Last but not least, don't k*ll my baby.

Okay. Don't k*ll the baby.

I love you.

Thank you.

Have a good meeting.

♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪

(clap, clap)

♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪

(clap, clap)

♪ If you're happy and you know it, ♪
♪ And you really oughta show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪

(clap, clap)

♪ If you're happy and you know it, shout hooray ♪

Hooray!

♪ If you're happy and you know it, ♪
♪ And you really oughta show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it, shout hooray ♪

Hooray!

Hello?

It's Andy, returning your call.

Oh, we can't have cell phones in class.

It's okay. I'm famous.

Yeah. I got to talk to you.

Will you hold her for a second?

Hey listen.

I made a cash deal to promote some dumb product, but it was only supposed to be in Taiwan, and now it's here.

How much did you get paid?

50,000, cash. You know, fun money.

Okay. Listen to me.

The first thing you have to do is give me five thousand cash.

What? I get 10%.

But you didn't get me the gig.

If you get a blowjob, I want 10%.

Why would you want 10% of a blowjob?

You know what, man? Here's a better question.

Why you would turn down half a million dollars for Prostate Pro, and then turn around and do a giant Viagra tea billboard for 50,000?

Because obviously, I didn't think anyone would ever see it.

Well guess what, man?

About 100 people have already texted me a photo of it and I got to tell you, my d*ck is embarrassed.

sh*t. You help me take it down, and I'll give you the 10% that you didn't earn.

Fine. I'll help you.

Thank you.

For 10 thousand.

10 thousand? Suck my d*ck.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Excuse me?

I got to go.

(Baby crying)

What did you do?

She threw up. It's okay. It happens sometimes.

What am I supposed to do?

You brought a change of clothes for her, right?

Of course I brought a change of clothes.

I'm not an idiot.

Change of clothes.

I've got like, four changes of clothes in the car.

I am sorry about this.

Sorry. I'll just.

I'll get some of that, just.

Okay.

I'm going to go change of clothes.

You probably should get a change of clothes.

Okay what are we doing here?

See those guys over there?

These guys are professional spray painters.

I want you to go over there and tell them I want them to spray paint over a billboard.

What?

Yeah.

Tell them they can spray paint whatever g*ng slogans they want.

I don't care.

Why me?

Because you're their age.

You're wearing flannel. They're wearing flannel.

But you made me wear this shirt.

Yes I did.

I don't feel comfortable with this.

Look. Here, put this on.

You blew your nose with that.

Yeah, I know. Just once.

Yeah. Looks good.

Those guys are dangerous.

This will help too.

Are you drawing a d*ck on my face?

No. They'll respect this.

All their fathers have these.

Is that a permanent marker?

What's permanent, really?

I'm not doing this!

Don't wake up the baby.

I'm not doing this.

Go, or you're fired.

You'll be fine.

Hello there.

The f*ck you want, ese?

Well, I couldn't help but noticing that you guys are really good at spray painting.

I mean, wow. That butterfly, or maybe it's a devil's assh*le, but whatever it is, it looks exactly like whichever one of those it is.

Anyway, I was wondering if you guys would want to spray paint maybe something else.

Are you a f*cking cop or what, vato?

I am so not a cop. In fact, f*ck the police.

Right? Am I right?

I think we can agree on that one.

Listen, today is your guys' lucky day.

Okay, my boss has authorized me to give each of you 15 dollars.

Wait, there's four of you?

10 dollars to spray paint over a billboard.

(Pained groans)

(Impacts and grunts)

(Kisses)

(Laughs)

(Gibberish)

Jamie: Help!

I'm up here. Now what do I do?

Spray paint over my face.

With what?

With the spray paint.

I'm supposed to have the spray paint?

Didn't you bring it up there with you?

I was busy, trying not to fall 30 feet to my death.

Now you're going to have to come down and get it.

No way. Just throw it up to me.

Give me that.

All right.

Ready?

Hold on.

Catch.

Hold on! Hold on!

Ow. f*ck! Ow.

You're supposed to catch it.

Jamie, use your hands.

All right. Okay. I'm ready.

All right. Catch it. Ready?

I'm ready. It is high up.

f*ck.

You're supposed to catch it.

Okay. Both hands.

I'm going to lob it.

Okay.

It's coming.

I got it. I got it.

Ah!

Hey Rob.

I'm here to get Miranda.

What are you guys trying to do?

I'm trying to spray paint over my face.

Okay. I'll do it.

Really?

Yeah.

Thanks.

He's fast. Whoa.

He's good.

Yes. Get the eyes.

His whole face.

The whole face, yes.

Yeah.

Get the whole eye.

The whole face. Do the whole thing. Yes.

Get up a little higher. That's it.

I still see the eye. Higher.

What are you guys doing?

Spray painting over my face. f*ck off.

assh*le.

Jesus.

Why did you say assh*le?

You said f*ck off.

He said assh*le.

I didn't finish my sentence.

I said, "My assh*le is hurting because I take big shits."

His assh*le's hurting.

Come on.

He said assh*le. I never said...

Why did you have to...

Look. I'm just trying to support you.

You're my client. What do you expect me to do?

I'm just trying to be here for you, all right?

Well, that was interesting.

Yeah.

Udo, take the baby back to the house?

Yeah.

Okay. I love you.

Okay. Go back with Udo okay?

See you, sweetie.

Well, I guess I got to host the West Hollywood policeman's ball now.

Are they paying you for it?

No, they're not paying me.

How do you think I just got us out of jail?

That's why you need me to negotiate for you.

Negotiate what?

I could have got you some extra things to sweeten the deal.

Like what extra things? What are you talking about?

You want handcuffs? A ride-along?

You want to witness an execution?

I could get you front row seats, center.

All I'm saying is I'm looking out for you, buddy.

You're a sick f*ck.

I know.

Hey, where's Jamie?

He'll be fine, right?

Yeah, I'm sure. Let's get out of here.

Could you just check again, please?

You know, tough people, Asians.

You know what you never see?

Homeless Asian people.

You notice that?

You don't see that.

Asian people are like, (Asian accent) No. f*ck that. No way. No.

We figure something else out.

We'll work on a part of the body nobody wants to go near, like the toenails.

We'll wax your anus.

We don't give a f*ck, you know?

Massage you, jerk you off, take your white devil money somehow."

Like, "Hurry up already. Come on."

I'm very proud of you, baby.

Thank you.

You didn't call me once and Miranda's still alive.

I thought you were completely irresponsible, clueless, selfish, huevón, medio babas, inept...

Okay. Okay. I get it.

Honey, what I'm trying to say is I underestimated you.

Now I know I can trust you more.

Anytime you want me to watch the baby, just I don't mind.

I love it. I love it.

Thank you.

What's up, Jimmy?

I have some good news.

What?

The billboard is coming down tomorrow.

Oh. Thank you. Thank goodness.

They're taking the billboard down.

Thank you. Thank you, Jimmy.

No problem. You're good friend to Taiwan and Taiwan a good friend to you.

Yeah. (Mimics foreign language) You're a good Chinese person.

Thank you very much.

Good man. Oh yeah.

Yeah baby.

Hey, what's going on in LA here?

TV: Traffic on the northbound five came to a halt as a result of a chain reaction crash.

Oh. It looks like an accident.

Crews are getting ready to tow a couple of the buses involved in this collision away from the scene. The heavy damage to one of the buses was apparently caused when another bus...

(♪♪♪)

Mother fucker!