01x10 - The Dark One

[bunniefuu]

f*ck!

Hey, what's the ink?

"Blessed is he who bestows pain."

Try this piece of poetry.

It'll blow your mind.

[Ash laughing]

What the hell is this doin' here?

Eli: You have to bury it deep, deep below the place where your journey began.

Let's go back there and end it all.

[both screaming]

[Melissa gasping]

[all screaming]

[in deep voice] Hello pussies!

[Heather shrieking]

[Deadite Fisher groaning]

[Pablo grunting]

[Ruby grunts]

[thunder rumbling]

[both yelling]

That didn't work.

You have to use the Kandarian Dagger to de-face the book.

[groaning]

[suspenseful music playing]

Kumaarizma.

[Book continues groaning]

[yelling]

Pablo!

You have no idea what you're doin'!

- [both grunting]

Kelly: Help!

[Heather shrieking] Do something!

Of course I know what I'm doing.

I wrote this book.

Help them!

Heather: Help them!

[wind howling]

[thunder rumbling]

[both grunting]

You wrote it?

- [grunting]

Kelly: Come on!

[Pablo groaning]

Pablo stay calm.

You mean like, the whole thing?

We're gonna get it off...

Yes, and now that you've returned it to me, everything in here will be let loose upon the world.

Well, aren't we the tricky little bitch.

Pablo: Please, help get it off my face!

[roaring]

[screaming]

[dramatic music playing]

[Kelly screaming]

Baby, I've missed ya!

Wow, I dumped you at just the right time.

[hissing]

[suspenseful music playing]

[yelling]

[Deadite Fisher laughing]

[chainsaw buzzing]

[yelling continues]

[Deadite Fisher laughing]

[Ash grunting]

[Kelly groaning]

[Pablo sobbing, grunting]

[grunting continues]

Pucker up and give me a kiss!

Fat f*ckin' chance!

[Deadite Fisher hissing]

[Ash grunting]

Oh, oh, sh*t!

[chair creaking]

Oh, sh*t!

[Pablo shrieking]

[gasping] Kelly, please, help!

Get it off of my face!

[Ash continues grunting]

[Pablo grunts]

[in deep voice] Stay back, he's mine!

[Kelly yelling, grunting]

No!

[chainsaw buzzing continues]

[Pablo yelling]

Kelly! Kelly!

[grunts] Come on!

[grunting]

I'm gonna swallow your soul!

[both grunting]

[snarling]

[screaming]

[grunting]

[clicking]

[buzzing loudly]

[Ash yelling]

[screaming]

[Deadite Fisher laughing]

[Ash yelling]

[laughing continues]

Amanda, whenever you think about us, you might wanna forget this part!

[Ash yells]

[Heather shrieks]

[buzzing stops]

[sobbing]

[heavy breathing]

[thunder rumbling]

[sobbing continues]

Pablo?

Pablo?!

Aw, crap.

[suspenseful music playing]

[growling]

[wind howling]

[clattering]

[squeaking]

[buzzing]

Okay.

That lady has my book, and she has my Pablo.

I gotta save him.

I'm not losin' anybody else I care about.

That includes me, right?

[chuckling] Of course.

And, and me.

Um, yeah.

Yeah sure, just, you know, stay close to her.

[growling]

[eerie music playing]

What the hell is happenin' down there?

I have no idea.

Guy at the bookstore said The Necronomicon was written by The Dark Ones.

So, that's what we're dealin' with.

The Dark Ones?

That's a rough nickname.

Yeah, well, at least they're honest.

We know she's not down there startin' a charity.

She's gonna take that Book, and summon who knows what.

What, like more, more demons?

Yeah, demons, devils, things that go bump in the night.

All right, I'm goin' down there.

Kelly, other girl, you stay here and guard this door, make sure it stays open.

I've been stuck down there before, and it's not exactly Mardi Gras.

No, I'm coming with you.

No, you're not. That's a bad idea.

No, it's a bad idea to go alone.

Come on.

She can walk fine.

Mm-hm.

That's my Pablo down there too.

[thunder rumbling]

Ash...

I'm gonna pop that tall bitch right in the face.

[Kelly sighs]

Okay... let's end this.

[eerie music playing]

[stairs creaking]

Oh, maybe it was just a rat.

Who knows?

[wailing, growling]

[growling continues]

[yelling, gasping]

[chiming]

[yelling continues]

Ash!

[heavy breathing]

[rock music playing]

[gasping]

What the f*ck...?

"The f*ck" what?

Oh, ha-ha, hi...

Lilly, Lilith, mm, Anna Mae...?

Lucy.

Oh, yeah.

I never would have got that. [chuckling]

Come on.

Are you gonna read your poetry to me, or what?

Uh...

[hissing]

Ah!

You mean this?

You said you would.

Please?

[Ash laughing]

Yeah, I don't know.

Uh, I think I already read this to you, didn't I?

No...

No?

I think I'd remember that.

- Wait a minute.

Mm.

You think this could all just be a dream then?

All what?

Uh, reading from the book, people gettin' possessed, bringin' out the chainsaw, the boomstick, choppin' people up.

I don't know about any of that.

Doesn't sound like fun.

Yeah, no sh*t, doll-face.

I was doin' the choppin'.

So then... you don't wanna read that book to me?

Oh, hell no.

Ruby: Then don't.

sh*t on a biscuit!

Mm.

[eerie music playing]

Colorful language.

You've always been good with words.

Don't act like you know me.

Oh, but I do.

See one day long ago, you appeared in my book.

[chainsaw buzzing]

[with Spanish accent] El Jefe.

That's Mister Jefe to you.

And I knew, that you were the one who was destined to stand against me.

[grunts]

But the end of your story's not yet written.

Now Ash, do you really think that I want you, and your little friends to die?

Yes?

No.

I just want things to go back to the way they were, when The Dark Ones ruled over the evil forces on Earth.

Yeah, well, I just wanna bang Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island, but that ain't gonna happen.

The world is in chaos, and I want order.

To consolidate the dark forces under one ruler.

Me.

Oh, so you're the good guy now?

What, you wanna control all these demons like The Godfather?

Exactly.

Yeah, well, I hated that movie.

Too long and boring, and not enough boobies.

I'm more of a Death Wish kinda guy.

You are the one obstacle in my way.

[speaking softly] So, what's your price?

What do you really want?

What do I want?

I want this to be done.

I want the last 40 years of my life...

10 years.

I want the last years of my life to be worth living.

I want a 20 ounce steak every night for dinner.

A little pad of butter right there.

I want cable TV, with all the premium channels.

And Jacksonville.

[melodic music playing]

[waves crashing]

[seagulls screeching]

[sighing]

[laughter]

Oh.

[whispering] Take it.

I can give you all of that.

Oh, okay. No, no, no.

You're just tryin' to beguile me with those radar eyes of yours.

I call bullshit!

What you should be calling is a truce.

Lay down your weapons, and go back to your life.

I am offering you the undo button you wanted.

[whispering] Take it.

Truce?

I could get into that.

Or... [grunting]

I could k*ll you now!

[clicking]

Oh.

[shrieking]

[yelling]

[heavy breathing, coughing]

Oh, oh, sh*t.

[grunting]

[eerie music playing]

[water dripping]

Kelly! Open up!

[grunting]

Help me pull.

[both grunting]

[wind howling]

Ah, sh*t!

[flashlight buzzing]

God damn it.

[growling]

[gasps]

[light bulb buzzing]

[yells]

[flashlight buzzing]

Oh!

[suspenseful music playing]

[screams]

[heavy breathing]

Maybe I should've taken that deal.

[Pablo wailing]

[gasps]

Don't worry, Pedro, I'm comin' for ya!

Ah, ah, Pablo, I meant Pablo.

Jesus, must've really whacked my beaner.

[heavy breathing continues]

Ah, f*ck!

It's never gonna open.

Not if I have somethin' to say about it.

Get out of the way.

[Heather gasping]

[Kelly yelling]

[g*n clicking]

[groans]

Oh, f*ck!

f*ck!

Is that the old guy's blood?

No, it's the cabin f*ckin' with us!

[garbled tape playing]

[Kelly panting]

Voice of Professor Knowby: ...a number of years now since I began excavating the ruins of Kandar, with a group of my colleagues.

Now my wife and I...

We need to get out of here, Kelly, okay?

We need to leave. Like now.

[yelling] I hate this place!

Well, then let's just go!

Are you high?!

Those are my friends trapped down there.

Yes, but we don't have to be, okay?!

I didn't even wanna be here!

I didn't even want to go hiking!

I hate hiking, and now we're gonna die in here!

You realize it don't you?!

[grunting continues]

A volume of ancient Sumerian burial practices, [tape garbling] and funerary...

[a* pounding]

[tape stops]

[Kelly grunting]

Oh, my... what?

[eerie music playing]

[shuddering]

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

Oh, my God!

[thunder rumbling]

[Heather gasping]

Get ahold of yourself, woman!

Hey, you know I've always wanted to do that.

Real talk time. Okay?

[weakly] Yeah?

You stick here with me, we can help Ash and Pablo, and maybe have a chance to see tomorrow.

We walk out now, and there won't be a tomorrow... but you know what?

You will make a really pretty corpse.

Don't talk down to me, all right?

I'm studying to be a dental hygienist, and I don't need...

[suspenseful music playing]

[Kelly yelling]

[gasping]

[trapdoor rattles]

[growling]

[both screaming]

[Kelly yelling]

[wind howling]

[groaning]

[thunder rumbling]

Help...!

Heather!

- HEATHER: Somebody!

[grunting]

Kelly, Kelly...!

Kelly, help! Kelly...!

Heather!

[groaning]

Kelly, help me!

Kelly!

[panting]

[thunder rumbling]

[Deadite groaning]

[Jake screaming]

Help me!

[voice echoing]

[hissing]

[yells]

[water dripping]

[door creaking]

[deep voice chanting in foreign language]

[Ruby chanting in foreign language]

[chanting continues]

Pablo: Ash, somebody!

[panting] Kelly!

Help me, please!

Ruby: Shh.

Pablo: Please, no.

I can't do this.

Ruby: You have to do this.

You are the Ore Magnus Necronomicon.

[Pablo continues panting]

Pablo: Please?

[sobbing] Please k*ll me now.

Ruby: You will be dead as soon as all my children are free.

Akka-Mana, Demonium.

[in deep voice] Akka-Mana, Demonium.

[Ruby continues chanting in foreign language]

[The Book chanting in foreign language]

[both chanting in foreign language]

[Pablo gagging]

[The Book continues chanting in foreign language]

The f*ck are you doin', Ruby?

Abomino coznius!

Abomino coz...

[yells]

[suspenseful music playing]

Oh...

[Pablo retching]

[Ruby continues chanting in foreign language]

[retching continues]

[demon spawn screeching]

[retching, gasping]

[Pablo screaming]

[screeching continues]

Yes.

[whispering] Yes.

Oh, God damn.

That's why I didn't have kids.

Daknar Abomino...

[Demon Child groaning]

Daknar Abomino, Abomino exitus.

[Demon Child groans]

[dramatic music playing]

[speaking softly] The f*ck was that?

[thunder rumbling]

[grunting]

[Heather screaming]

[yelling]

Heather!

[Heather screaming]

Help me! It's attacking me!

Heather, you gotta get to that door!

Right now!

No! I'm gonna die in here!

No, you're not! You listen to me, okay?

You are gonna go on, and be the best, dental hygienist that ever lived in the history of England, or wherever it is you're from!

[Heather screaming]

[growling]

[screams]

Oh, sh*t!

Heather!

[growling, screaming continue]

[grunts]

[low-pitched growling]

[creaking, scraping]

[screaming]

[growling]

[screaming]

- [wincing]

♪ We're gonna get you ♪
♪ We're gonna get you ♪
♪ Not another peep ♪

[groaning]

♪ Time to go to sleep... ♪

[shuddering]

[rumbling]

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

[Heather groaning]

[chiming]

[thunder rumbling]

[shrieking, growling]

[gasps]

[screaming]

[yelling]

[Heather continues screaming]

[growling]

[yells]

[growling]

[Heather continues screaming]

Heather?!

Heather!

[wind howling]

[gasps]

[low-pitched growling]

[grunting]

[screaming]

[panting]

[thunder rumbling]

[low-pitched growling]

[Heather's head laughing]

[gasping]

[voice echoing] Ash has failed!

The world belongs to us now.

Mankind is doomed, and as for your boyfriend Pablo...

[laughing maniacally]

[grunting]

He's not my boyfriend! [grunts]

[low-pitched growling continues]

It's just you and me now.

Ash, let's do this.

[heavy breathing]

[mockingly] I'm Ruby, I'm The Dark One.

I wrote The Necronomicon.

Yeah? I don't give a sh*t!

You f*cked things up worse than I ever f*cked things up lady, so f*ck you and the horse you rode in on.

Guess what, there's a new sheriff in town.

[chuckles]

[water dripping]

[eerie music playing]

Ah! Creepy kid.

[retching, squishing]

All right look, I'm gonna count to three.

You better be gone. You got that?

Mm?

One... two... it's a f*ckin' shotgun, kid!

Last chance... three.

[Ash groans, screams]

[Demon Child screaming]

Get off me!

[both continue screaming]

Get off me you little sh*t!

[shrieking]

[Ash panting]

[clattering, running]

[Ash continues panting]

[screaming, grunts]

[both screaming]

[suspenseful music playing]

Oh!

[screaming continues]

[yells]

[laughing] Now I got ya.

[groaning]

[both screaming]

[Ash grunting]

[Demon Child screaming]

[panting]

[biting]

[screaming]

[shrieking]

Someone needs to wash your mouth out, kid.

[Ash grunts]

[Demon Child shrieking]

And that someone is me.

[Ash grunting]

[thunder rumbling]

[wind howling]

[panting, groaning]

[motor rumbling]

[grunting]

[suspenseful music playing]

[panting continues]

[grunting]

What are you gonna do now, ha!

[grunting continues]

[wind howling]

Homemade flamethrower...

Pablo would be proud.

[dramatic music playing]

[laughing]

Yeah! Whoo!

How does it feel?!

[grunts]

[Ruby gasps]

Okay kids, the birthday party is over.

[Ruby screeching]

[roaring]

[g*nsh*t]

[panting]

[Ruby wheezing]

[laughing]

Well, that was easy.

Okay, let's close the show with a little neck music.

[chainsaw buzzing]

[Kelly laughing maniacally]

Whoa! Yes!

Burn baby!

[growling, snarling]

[chiming]

[suspenseful music playing]

[gasps]

[door creaking]

Okay! Okay!

[yelling]

[grunts]

[boards creaking]

[both screaming]

[gasps]

[buzzing continues]

[chanting in foreign language]

[Pablo growling]

[Ash yelling]

Pablo, the hell are you doin'?

It's me!

[weakly] Ash...

I have no choice!

[Pablo grunts]

[yelling]

You're a dead man, Ash.

Don't Pablo. I'm not gonna fight you.

I don't wanna lose anybody else!

[in normal voice] Ash?

Ash...

Ash, I... I, I...

[chanting in foreign language continues]

Ash, I'm still gonna k*ll you.

[both grunting, yelling]

[panting]

[water dripping]

Ash?

Pablo?

[suspenseful music playing]

[shuddering]

[both screaming]

[panting]

[grunting, banging]

[yelling, grunting continues]

Pablo, don't! Don't!

I don't wanna hurt you!

It's over.

[buzzing continues]

[both grunting]

Just do it! Behead me!

No!

Let go my blade!

[groans] k*ll me, please!

[grunting continues]

k*ll me!

No!

- [grunting continues]

Pablo: k*ll me!

[Pablo groaning]

[Ash grunting]

[Pablo panting]

[laughing]

You forgot to remind me to gas her up!

Pablo, you beautiful idiot!

[chanting in foreign language continues]

[in deep voice] Now it's your turn.

[Pablo laughing maniacally]

[Ash yells, groans]

In your next life, learn to read.

Kelly: Stop!

[both grunting]

[grunting continues]

[grunting]

[Ash grunts]

[Ash yelling]

What the hell?

Your stupid mortal toys mean nothing to me.

But before I k*ll you, my book needs a new cover.

[stammering] A new what-what?

Oh, no, no, no! Not me!

Oh, no!

Not the face!

Not the face! [yelling]

Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

I just gotta know, have you lost weight?

[Ruby gasping]

[Ash yelling]

Pablo!

[both grunting]

[Ash grunting]

[Ruby panting]

[laughing] Well, I guess this doesn't count as one of my "Stupid mortal toys."

[laughing continues]

Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this, Ruby, 'cause I dislike you, a lot.

You get that f*ckin' book off my friend's face.

Stop!

[Pablo groaning]

Or what?

Gonna k*ll me?

You do it, and they're both dead.

Pablo!

Ash! Ash, help!

I'm k*lling her!

[both continue grunting]

And after The Book has k*lled her, it'll k*ll him too.

[whispering] Nothing you can do about it.

Except k*ll you.

Or... you could take the deal.

Think about it Ash.

You are old, and fat and weak.

You cannot keep this up forever.

Lay down your weapons and go back to your life.

You know that deep down we both want the same thing.

No, pretty sure I don't wanna destroy humanity.

[speaking softly] I don't wanna destroy anything.

I want humanity to flourish.

Without good, there is no evil.

I just want evil under control, same as you.

Difference is, you never signed up for any of this.

Ash, your entire life has been marked by tragedy, and desperation, and a woeful inadequacy.

I get the idea.

[Pablo growling]

[Kelly choking]

[speaking softly] Just take the deal.

It's what you've always wanted.

[speaking softly] No.

It's not just about my life anymore.

I want their lives back too!

They're comin' with me.

I can do that.

Prove it.

[growling continues]

[choking continues]

[suspenseful music playing]

Eximo Libellus.

[both gasping]

[Kelly coughing]

Okay, we're halfway there.

Pablo too.

Do we have a deal?

Ash, no!

What I let out there, it's...

it's terrible.

You, you, you can't just do this!

Hey, I'm doin' this for you buddy, so a little thanks might be nice.

Look, she's just gonna Godfather all the demons together, make the world a better place.

That logic seems wrong.

Look, you're just gonna have to trust me on this one.

Let her be the gatekeeper.

It's better for all of us.

Okay, normal life, in Jacksonville, the three of us... and $10,000 in cash.

I'm not a bank.

Gas money? You got that?

Oh, sure. For gas money.

Huh?

[chuckling] Huh?

[scoffs]

Yeah...

[speaking softly] What?

Okay... but I'm keepin' this just for insurance.

[sighs]

Truce.

No, Ash!

You have no idea what's out there!

[suspenseful music playing]

No!

Ah, good fishin'.

That's what's out there.

[chuckling]

♪ No more Mister Nice Guy ♪
♪ No more Mister Clean... ♪

I can't believe you did that.

[chuckles] I can... after a lifetime of gettin' the short end of the stick, I finally got the big end, and I grabbed that big old stick by the balls, baby.

[Ash laughing]

That's one way to look at it.

The other, correct way, is that evil's gonna take over the world.

You seen the world lately?

Same diff.

Plus Ruby said she'd keep a lid on all this.

So we're all good.

[warning buzzing on radio]

Nothin' to do but eat, sleep, and live off the fat of the land.

Woman on radio: This is an emergency report.

Wait, wait, wait. Turn that up.

All residents in Antrim County, should stay in your homes.

I repeat, stay in your homes.

Massive sinkholes have been opening all over the city...

Ah-ha, you know the news.

It's always so depressing.

[eerie music playing]

Hey! Who's hungry?

Time for some road trip burgers, your treat!

Jacksonville, here we come!

[rock music playing]

- ♪ Back in black ♪

Oh, yeah!

♪ I hit the sack ♪

[laughing]

♪ I've been too long, I'm glad to be back ♪
♪ Yes, I'm let loose ♪
♪ From the noose ♪
♪ That's kept me hangin' about ♪
♪ I've been lookin' at the sky ♪
♪ 'Cause it's gettin' me high ♪

[laughing continues]

♪ Forget the hearse, 'cause I never die ♪
♪ I got nine lives ♪

Whoo!

♪ Cat's eyes ♪
♪ Abusin' every one of them, and runnin' wild ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm back ♪
♪ Yes, I'm back ♪
♪ Well, I'm back ♪

[rumbling]

♪ Yes, I'm back in black ♪
♪ Oh, back in the back ♪
♪ Of a Cadillac ♪
♪ Number one with a b*llet, I'm a power pack ♪
♪ Yes, I'm in a bang ♪
♪ With a g*ng ♪
♪ They've got to catch me if they want me to hang ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm back on the track ♪
♪ And I'm beatin' the flack ♪
♪ Nobody's gonna get me on another rap ♪
♪ So look at me now ♪
♪ I'm just makin' my play ♪
♪ Don't try to push your luck, just get out of my way ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm back ♪
♪ Yes, I'm back ♪
♪ Well, I'm back ♪
♪ Yes, I'm back ♪
♪ Well I'm, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Well, I'm back in black ♪
♪ Yes, I'm back in black ♪♪

[rock music continues]

♪♪