01x04 - The Kiss

[bunniefuu]

[pop dance music]

♪ ♪

Quick... give me a bite.

I told you we didn't have time to stop for breakfast.

Hey, I got us here two minutes early.

Xavi's in my spot!

That's been my spot since the first day!

He can't just come in here and take my spot!

Okay, Ana, take a breath.

I know working with your ex is hard, but don't do anything crazy.

I won't. I'm fine.

Good, 'cause there's another spot right over there.

[tires squealing] Whoa!

I'll show you, Xavi.

Oh! Oh! Oh, tell me when it's over.

Oh. [squealing]

Ah! [laughs]

Take that, Xavi. I won.

Okay, wait. You know what?

Just... we can... Ana.

It'd be easier if we just do the...

Let's go.

Hold on.

We can do it.

Ana, mira...

Yeah. Hold on.

Here we go. Okay.

Yeah, okay.

[grunts, chuckles]

Yoo! [chuckles]

Oh.

That would've been a lot easier.

[flamenco music]

♪ ♪

Mimi. Mimi!

What? I got to finish hemming this dress.

Look at Xavi, eating cereal.

He's the worst. Oh, he's a monster.

Oh, heads up. Network president's here.

Here, let's pretend like we're working.

Oh, yes, pretend.

Ana, you look marvelous.

Heaven is missing an Ángel.

Oh.

Gracias. You too.

I mean, there is "Ángeleses" everywhere.

Oh, by the way, Xavi and I had dinner last night, and he had some excellent ideas for the show.

Excuse me? You were... you were having dinner with my ex-husband?

What, are you guys, like, friends now?

You're gonna make each other mixtapes, CDs, MP3s?

I don't know how music works now.

No, I-I promise you, it was strictly business... although we did share a taquitos appetizer.

[gasps]

Places!

Break a leg.

Last looks, camera set.

And action!

[tense guitar music]

♪ ♪

Pasión!

She doesn't know her line. You're the writer.

What is it?

Beats me.

I've never seen this happen to her before.

What's she gonna do?

♪ ♪

Stare down.

Stare down.

♪ ♪

Cramp! Cramp! Cramp! I'm cramping!

And cut! Let's take five.

[chuckling]

Wow. You're off your game.

I should have known something was up by your bad parking job this morning.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Ah!

Ah, look, wardrobe malfunction.

We got to go. [chuckles]

[gasps] The friendship circle.

Who d*ed... José, the lighting guy?

José, the camera man? José in makeup?

All the Josés are alive.

José in makeup does have a mole that keeps getting bigger.

Well, then what's this about?

Ana...

Xavi is getting under your skin.

[scoffs] God!

I don't even want to be with him.

I don't know why him being here bothers me so much.

Because you haven't totally moved on and he has.

Yeah, he's out there dating, and you should be too.

I've been on dates.

Remember the guy from the gym?

What are you gonna have?

Oh!

Worst part is it's the most action I've gotten in a while.

Come.

All right.

I appreciate you guys being worried.

I promise to think about it, all right?

Circle of adjourned. "Friends" on three.

One, two...

Friends!

Gael, you always jump the g*n!

Sorry. I just get so excited for the friendship circles.

Hey.

Hey, new guy.

Have you all been messing with my stuff?

My robe's gone. My guitar's out of tune.

♪ La, la, la-la ♪

Never mind. You can't tell 'cause my voice is too god.

Isn't it more like...

♪ Hey, eeh, eeh, yay ♪

Wow, Roxie. I didn't know you could sing.

That's because I don't talk about it all the time.

You know, I think someone's been in here too.

Look at this mess.

You know, the other night I got stuck in my dressing room, and I heard some strange noises.

How'd you get stuck in your room?

I over-lotioned.

Ah.

Eehooh, eeh-ooh.

There's a lot of weird things going on.

Oh, no.

You guys don't think it's a raccoon.

Both: A ghost.

What?

There's no such thing as ghosts.

[gasps]

En el nombre del Padre, del Hijo, y del Espíritu Santo.

Every Latino boy and girl knows the story of La Llorona... the ghost who forever haunts misbehaving children.

You know, one day my dad disappeared.

I was told it was...

Both: La Llorona.

Maybe your parents just got divorced.

[scoffs] No.

Oh.

Mm.

Shh.

And cut!

Mimi!

Yeah?

God, this dress is so itchy!

All right.

Can you scratch my back?

I got it.

It's up in the middle.

Here?

Lower.

To the side.

Side.

Down here?

No, lower.

Where?

Okay, hold...

I got it, I got it. I got it, okay. Oh, God!

[chuckles] Psst! Ana, it's James.

[groans] Oh! Hi!

Hey. What a delightful surprise.

I get to see you twice in one day.

Actually, I can see you anytime I want.

This place is covered in security cameras.

I see everything... [chuckles]

Which is why I never eat the deviled eggs on set.

Because they sit out all day.

Sure. We'll go with that.

[chuckles] Uh, Mr. McMann...

James.

[chuckles] James, I need to talk to you.

I don't like that you went to dinner with Xavi.

If you want to talk about the show, I should be the one you take to dinner.

I would love to take you to dinner. How about tonight?

Great. Perfect.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Okay.

Ooh! You're going out on a date.

No, I...

No, I asked him about a work dinner, and he said yes.

Ana, clearly he's into you.

You can always tell when a white guys like you, because he smiles so big, you can see his top and bottom teeth.

Like...

No.

He likes you.

No.

Yeah.

Hey, what do you think was wrong with those eggs?

I ate, like, eight of them.

Hey, how about this dress for your dinner with James tonight?

Not enough leg.

Not enough cleavage.

I'm not a whore, Mimi. [scoffs]

I don't know why you guys are making such a big deal about this.

[grunts]

It's a work dinner.

It's a date!

No.

You know, he did the same thing with Xavi.

You don't think that was a date.

Maybe. People can swing both ways.

In high school, I dated Katy Simms until I played water polo with her brother.

The real action happens underwater.

You're just going to have to accept the fact that this is your first real date since your divorce.

It's a big deal.

I can't believe you're not nervous.

Okay, look, even if it was a date, and it's not, why would I be nervous?

James is the one that should be nervous.

He has to deal with all of this.

[laughs]

All right, not this. Maybe this.

You know what? Doesn't matter, 'cause it's not a date.

What are you doing with this dress?

It's show property.

Well, you know the saying...

"Show property is yo' property."

That's not a saying.

Okay, I look good in it, so I stole it.

You do look good in it. Go put it on.

[scoffs]

Wow. Ana, I can honestly say I'm almost attracted to you right now.

Maybe I'm swinging back.

Jason Statham.

No, I'm good.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, he's here.

Hi, James. [chuckles]

Wow. You look stunning.

Where have I seen that dress before?

Beats me.

Are you ready for our date?

Date?

Um, would you give me one second?

Um... Sure.

What are these? It's a date!

We know.

We told you.

I'm not ready for this. Can I cancel?

No, you are a strong, confident woman.

Plus, you play one on TV.

Okay, yeah, I'm just gonna channel my inner Pasión.

[chuckles] I'm already wearing her dress.

Okay.

[giggles] Still me...

Yeah.

And still all of you.

Hey.

I'm ready.

Fantastic.

Great.

Okay.

Ooh! [laughs]

Hey, guys.

I talked to my abuela, a ghost expert.

She ain't afraid of no ghost.

And she said that our ghost is clearly a local haunting.

A local haunting... that makes sense.

No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does.

No.

Yes.

Mmmm. Someone must have d*ed on the stage.

Who is so old and has been here so long that they would know the entire history of this place?

It was a night just like tonight, but during the day.

The great Alberto Alfredo Kevin Acevedo was to retire, but before they could sh**t his final death scene, he d*ed.

[gasps]

For reals.

I saw it happen right over there.

[thunder booms]

Ever since then, legend has it that he haunts the leading men of any show that's filmed here.

Oh, my God. Xavi, that's you.

Stop! This is... this is insane, right?

Right?

Can you imagine spending all of eternity chasing after a youth you can never get back?

[chuckles] It's pathetic.

You guys think I should get a chin-lift?

Be honest.

Good? How's that?

Well, I had a great evening.

I'm sorry people kept mistaking you for their Uber driver.

Yeah. No, I just got to stop making eye contact with people at red lights, you know?

Anyway, uh, I had an amazing time tonight.

[chuckles] Me too.

Shh.

Aah!

Both: Aah!

We waited to see how your night was.

What if I brought him in here to have wild spontaneous sex?

Oh, no, we saw what underwear you put on.

We knew he wasn't getting past the front door.

So how was it? Spill it.

Well, it definitely was a date, but James was such a gentleman.

Zero thumbs went in my mouth.

You don't have to tell us all the gory details.

Shh. Mama doesn't get out much, so I need this.

Well, we know there was no good-night kiss.

We watched you do the finger shush from yesterday's episode.

What was that about?

It just felt right.

Oh, we went to this film festival.

Oh. Hey, these are all in Spanish.

You don't speak Spanish. Did you understand a word of it?

I got the gist.

[laughing]

[crying]

Why didn't you just tell James you don't speak Spanish?

She's was just making a good first impression.

Yeah.

The Spanish, the finger shush, even the dress... it's like Pasión was on the date.

No, that's what the first few dates are for.

You lie a little... or in my ex-husband's case, you lie a lot... for all 13 years of our marriage, till I found out he was a white-collar criminal and my show life was a sham. [laughing]

So what did you have for dinner?

Fish.

[soft whooshing]

[mysterious music]

[cell phone rings with suspenseful music]

Mom, let me call you back.

Hey, guys, just curious...

If there were a ghost here, and I'm not saying there is, how do we get rid of them?

Hmm, look who's a believer now.

I don't want to be haunted just because I'm a leading man.

I know what to do.

Tomorrow night we'll meet on the set and exorcise the ghost.

[cell phone rings with suspenseful music]

I said I would call you back.

Okay.

Remind me to tell actors that they must wear underwear to all wardrobe fittings.

Gustavo again?

Yeah.

Mm.

Mm, my fingers are orange.

Oh, use the cheese puff towel.

[knock at door]

Ana?

It's James!

Oh!

So what?

Oh, my God.

Hide the cheese puffs. Hide the cheese puff towel.

Oh, my God! James can't see me like this.

Pasión would never eat cheese puffs.

Aha! You are being Pasión.

Seriously, this is a little crazy, Ana.

Should I come back?

Just a second!

[sighs] You're right.

No more hiding behind Pasión.

Just, uh... just stall him so I can clean up.

[door opens]

So you like running the network?

Yeah. Yeah, it's really fun.

And you like...

Wardrobe.

Wardrobe.

Yeah, yeah.

[clattering]

both: Ana!

[passionate music]

James... what a nice surprise.

Oh.

Mm.

Adiós. See you tonight.

What a well-placed air vent? Humm?

What the hell was that?

That was James asking me out on date number two.

We're going to a salsa club.

I'm going to show him some of my moves.

You don't have any moves.

Ah, I'll fake it.

It's like you said, Mimi. We all lie a little.

That's not what I meant.

I meant stuff like padding your bra or telling him you like the Dave Matthews Band.

You guys told me to get out there, and I did.

What more do you want from me?

We want you to be yourself, not hide behind Pasión.

I am not hiding.

James knows me as Pasión. I'm sticking with that.

Why can't you just be Ana?

Because the last time I was Ana with someone, I got my heart broken.

Pasión is strong and fearless. She doesn't get hurt.

Ana, we just want you to be happy.

Okay. We don't like what you're doing, but we love you.

Aw, I love you both.

I hate to ruin this nice moment, but since we're in the friendship circle, José in makeup d*ed.

[women gasp]

The mole?

No, hit by a bus.

Oh.

Rodrigo.

Roxie.

Anyone.

Mr. Ghost.

[distant rattling]

Okay, he's scared. Go, Rodrigo.

Bringing a man to tears... this is like my Super Bowl.

[groans creepily]

Aah!

[laughing] Oh, my God We got you!

Yeah. We got you.

It's your initiation.

We do this to all new cast members.

Congratulations, new guy. You're one of us now.

That scream was to die for.

No, hat was me.

Doesn't matter.

[salsa music playing]

♪ ♪

I trust you found the restroom all right?

Yeah, it was right by the fish t*nk.

Oh, excellent.

I took the liberty of ordering us some appetizers.

Oh, good. Ah...

Okay.

Mmm.

[both chuckle]

Oh! [coughs]

It has a... it has a kick.

Oh, I thought that was the mild...

Oh, no, actually, they're both mild.

Are you okay?

Mm.

I love spicy food.

You got me good. [chuckles]

First you mess with my guitar.

Both: Yep!

Then you got Isa to tell me that spooky story.

Both: Yep!

And then you get the fake ghost to appear on the monitor.

Both: Ye...

What?

We never did that.

You didn't?

'Cause I clearly saw something.

That wasn't us.

Oh, my God.

[gasps]

Is that La Llorona?

That's what I saw on the monitor.

She disapproves of our pranking.

Run!

[screams]

Leave the new guy for sacrifice!

[praying indistinctly]

Isaac?

You're the ghost?

Ghost? That's crazy.

I secretly live on set.

Oh.

That's a little crazy too.

Yeah.

[salsa music playing]

Well, you ready to show me how it's done?

Yeah, let's just wait for these amateurs to clear out.

[laughs] Okay.

Uh, well, I'm great friends with the chef.

Would you like to meet him?

Yes. Yes, let's do that.

Fantastic.

He only speaks Spanish and muy rápido, so you're going to have to translate.

Okay, you know what?

Let's just let our bodies do the talking.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, talking bodies.

That's not a bad idea.

Oh, come on, I know what you're doing.

You're a great salsa dancer, and you don't want to embarrass me.

But fear not... I have a few moves of my own, okay?

[chuckles awkwardly]

Come on.

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

You know what? Come here.

There we go. There we go.

[screams]

Oh! [laughs]

You okay?

Oh, we're going to do a lift! We're not going to do a lift.

[salsa music playing]

Ana, Ana.

Ana, Ana, are you okay?

Are you on dr*gs?

You can tell me, but don't tell me, because then legally I'd have to fire you.

James, I can't do this anymore, okay?

I'm not Pasión.

I don't like salsa dancing. I don't speak Spanish.

This isn't the real me.

None of this is the real me.

Those just pop right out, do they?

The real me likes eating cheese puffs and relies heavily on boob tape for cleavage.

I don't like spicy food.

I saw that.

The truth is I'm pretty normal.

My real life is not a telenovela.

And the truth is I'm relieved to hear that, because Pasión... she's a little intense, right?

She's crazy. You're not.

She's crazy, and I don't want to date her.

I want to date the girl who leaves cheese puff prints on the back of my suit... and uses the wall to scratch your back and climbs out car windows instead of re-parking.

You saw that?

I see everything.

I told you... there's cameras everywhere.

Ana, look... the little bit of you that you've allowed me to see I think is pretty great, and I'd like to see more.

I want to date you, Ana.

Kiss me.

Shh.

I'm sorry. That's muscle memory.

Okay, come on.

Mm.

♪ But you're beautiful in the way you dress ♪
♪ I'm lost for words... ♪

[all screaming]

Oh, okay, okay, here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Oh.

No, no, don't go down. Yeah, yeah.

Get up. Let's go!

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Singing, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Singing, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Singing, oh... ♪

So you were saying your life is not like a telenovela?

Maybe a little.

♪ And I feel love ♪
♪ Do you feel love? ♪
♪ And I feel love ♪

Isn't this great?

When you add up all the set, it's like I live in a mansion.

Yeah.

Hey, maybe you should write an episode about that.

Whoa. I don't tell you how to be pretty.

You don't tell me how to write.

[both laughing]

Isaac lives here?

Mm.

Wow! You really do see everything.

Mmhmm.

What's that?

That's why I don't eat the deviled eggs.