05x02 - What About Fred

[bunniefuu]

And, uh, one last signature here.

Congratulations.

We are official part owners of the bar!

Ah!

Schmidt: Yes!

Sir, we won't let you down.

I'm just a notary.

Hey, the note... arize.

All right, we're not gonna let you down.

It's gonna be a little weird, you know, me working for you.

No, no, babe. We're gonna keep it separate.

Ass-Strat's my day job.

I'm more of a show-up-late-night with-my-Argentinian-friends type of owner.

Nick's in charge. He's the guy.

Okay.

Look, it's all about finesse.

Watch. The trick is, is you get super close, but then you pull back.

Watch how Daddy does it.

Oh, no!

(laughing) NICK: Thank you for the back pat... I needed that.

What?

Well, you have to have beer on the bar...

Uh-huh. because that's what makes it stick.

So now I can do it a billion times on it.

Don't count that first one.

Don't count that first one.

Okay. Hey.

Look at that. What a game, right?

Screw the boss? Oh, wait. That's you.

It's up to you to take charge now.

Yeah, yeah, 'cause I'm the manager.

What you need to do is set a meeting.

Establish yourself as a leader.

Within every man there is a man... ager.

What's-what's going on there?

What do you mean?

Your ribcage has give.

You know, KC still hasn't texted me back.

I've been on five dates with her... five dates, and I still don't know where I stand.

New relationships are so hard!

They take so much work.

So much work. It's like... it's like making a risotto; a risotto in your heart.

Mm.

Oh.

Aw. What's that for?

Just 'cause.

Aw.

Mmm. How great is that?

So great.

Jess: So comfy, so warm.

Like a port in the storm.

I just want to skip all the first dates, and just get to this.

Mm-hmm.

You're gonna get there, okay?

You just got to... got to keep yourself open.

Wasn't Sadie gonna hook you up with, uh, that guy?

Oh, yeah, Fred. He invited me to watch a movie... at his house.

During the day.

Doesn't that make it sound like he's a boy who's allergic to everything?

You're looking for something wrong.

I got to say, she's right.

Mm-hmm.

And besides, what if he's got a dope-ass home theatre?

Damn!

This is a dope-ass home theatre.

(laughs)

I'm gonna hit the bathroom real quick.

Okay. Well, hurry back before previews begin.

That was a joke, 'cause I feel like I'm in a real theatre here.

I mean, this is amazing. Thank you. Thank you for inviting me.

Oh, that was fast.

Hi. Didn't mean to startle.

Just wanted to know if you wanted some snacks during the movie.

I've just made a fresh pot of coffee.

We're Flip and Nancy.

Fred's parents.

Mm.

Oh. (laughs)

Fred lives with his parents.

Now I see where he gets his looks.

And his house. (laughs)

Guys, seriously.

I'm not... I'm not hungry.

You can't watch the movie on an empty stomach.

Hey, cool your jets until you have some of our coffee.

Beans are from Portland.

Oh, that's funny. (laughs) I'm from Portland.

Do you know my last book signing was at Powell's Books?

Oh, no way.

You're-you're a writer?

Well, I'm just a fool with a few stories.

Oh, you're just being modest.

And you are being lovely.

Oh!

(giggling)

You guys are so sweet together.

Flip: That's because we're still on our honeymoon.

35 wonderful years of marriage.

Feels like two to me.

Oh.

Nancy: Feels like one.

Flip: Like we just met.

Schmidt: Nick, what are we doing here?

Yeah. (laughter)

(clearing their throats)

Each-each of you know me.

Yeah.

If you don't, my name is Nicholas Miller.

I'm an American from Chicago.

I'm your new boss, so, you'll do what I say.

When the cave people went to the cave bar, and they asked for a drink on the rocks, they actually meant it. (laughs)

Now that we're all laughing...

It says, "Wait for laughs."

I...

Anybody have any questions?

I have a question.

Please. Anything.

Your mother.

(laughter)

Your mother. I love it.

Thank you for breaking the ice.

I know!

(laughter)

I must look so stupid.

"Hey, get over here. I got a meeting."

What an idiot, huh?

It was that bad, huh?

No, Birdman was bad.

This... this was a disaster.

I'm here to help you, okay? Look, I have over nearly ten years of experience in the corporate world.

What's "over nearly ten"?

"Nearly ten" would be eight or nine years.

I have... I have over nine years.

That's different, yeah.

Got you a tie. Corporate 101.

Dress better than your employees.

Reminds them that they're inferior.

I'd wear a tie, but only on my butt, like it were a tail.

A tail tie.

Furguson, you have a knot!

Is that salt water in here?

You been hanging down at the wharf again?

Guess what? I took a chance with that guy Fred, and I'm in love.

That's incredible.

With his parents, but I'm in love!

Furguson, clear my schedule.

I need a word with your sister.

When Nancy was in Zimbabwe building clean water systems, Flip dropped everything to go over there and be with her, and they put Fred in Tribal School.

You seem like you're on cocaine.

Yeah, right. Flip and Nancy and I hate dr*gs.

Okay, yeah, great. What do you like about Fred?

Well, I didn't really get any time with him, 'cause Flip and Nancy wanted to watch the sunset.

Hey, do not talk to me like I'm some bastard who doesn't enjoy a good sunset.

But if you really want to be in a relationship...

Then I have to get to know Fred. Ha! You know what?

Tomorrow, I'm gonna just cr*ck him open like a cold beer.

You know what's a good date?

Hmm?

Errands and a smoothie.

Okay, everyone, listen up.

Here are your new uniforms.

Oh, you got to be kidding.

Cece: Aah.

Save your groans for Birdman!

From now on, we will measure drinks.

Oh, man.

And we have a new one-napkin policy.

Just one napkin?

Questions at the end, please.

Should somebody ask you for a second napkin, you just say, "Are you sure?"

Nine times out of ten, they'll just back off and say "Thanks."

Now please go try on your new polos.

(all groaning)

Can I have a word with you?

Hey, Schmidt, everything you just said makes me want to give you a wedgie in front of the others.

You need to rule with an iron fist. No mercy.

You're not suggesting Cobra Kai rules?

I'm not doing it! They're my friends!

Your friends are gonna lose their jobs if this bar goes under.

Ooh! I never thought I would say this, but, give me the tie.

Now we're talking.

No mercy.

A corporate leader is born.

Don't-don't put it around your head.

Well, hello to you.

Hi. - Hi!

Fred'll be right down. You know, Nan and I are just packing up some books and paints for a park day!

A park day?!

Yes, it's from when we used to live in Paris.

You should come!

Well, look, um, I would love to, uh, but, um, I have to, uh, spend a little one-on-one time with, uh, this one.

When can chill with my parents.

Okay.

Yes!

Great!

Here's some paint.

Coffee?

I feel like I'm a car rental agent.

Yeah, well, you look like a prince.

Now, go. Go be a boss.

Hey, Cece.

Um, we measure our drinks now.

Am I right?

So, uh, do as I say.

(laughs) Of course. Use the thing.

Sorry, but, just, you know, it's important.

You know, with the... consist...

Is this the exact thing that you wanted to have happen?

I wouldn't want to get anything on my new uniform.

That's, like, six sh*ts.

So you have to charge...

That was some sass. You're at a real crossroads, so, you know, this is a big moment for you.

There is no fear in this dojo!

Nick: Hey, Javier?

Where's-where's your shirt?

Oh, it's so crazy, Nick.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole that ugly shirt.

(chuckles) Yeah...

I don't believe that.

Oh, it's boxy on me, dude.

As your boss... Javier, I need you to put your shirt on.

I need you to put it on... your mother.

(chuckles)

Hey, no mother jokes.

Javier, do not slide that right now, okay?

I mean it. Do not...

You're fired.

What?

Wha-What?

You changed, man.

That is some Jeffrey Tambor stuff, dude.

Javier, wait.

I-It's... Look, I wouldn't get...

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You just fired Javier?

You are out of control, Miller.

I'm not gonna take it anymore, and you guys shouldn't, either.

So let's show management exactly what we think of their policies. Let's walk!

I'm sorry, bae, you're gonna have to keep it separate.

Totally get it. Love you, bae.

All right. Let's go.

That was bad.

But can we just take a moment to appreciate Cece?

I mean, the effect that she has on people... it's really incredible.

I can't believe... she's marrying me.

I mean... like, what?

Oh, boy, Furguson, this knot is getting worse.

(chuckles)

We are in a hairy situation, my friend.

(forced laughter)

Jess (laughing): I know! Really!

Oh, it's just, it's just you!

(laughing)

Jess: Hey, Winston.

This is Nancy and Flip and, um...

Hi! and, uh, we just went to the park, and we had a great park day, and we're gonna have Nice to see you. some, uh, wine before dinner.

Oh.

And it's gonna be awesome.

Oh, you should join us.

Yeah, come on!

Jess: You should join us.

A little sip.

You should.

Jess: Oh, yeah, for sure.

Definitely join us.

Join us.

Jess, a moment?

Jess, what the hell are you doing?

They're just the most amazing people I've ever met.

What happened to the one-on-one with Fred?

He's just so quiet... I can't get a read on him.

Jess... if you want a comfy, old relationship, you got to start somewhere.

All right? Go spend five minutes alone with him, now.

Go get some cheese for the wine.

Chevre is always nice.

But I wouldn't dare tell you how to buy cheese.

You're being so assertive right now... it's almost attractive.

Hey, not now. Not the time.

♪ ♪

You know...

I can be shy sometimes, too.

You don't have to be shy.

Seriously, I-I-I'd really like to get to know you.

Really?

Here's something that I learned from our relationship.

When you feel a knot... you take a deep breath and you stare at it and face it without fear or judgment.

I don't think that it's Furgy's knot that's bothering you.

Ooh.

I think that the knot that's bothering you is right there.

(sighs)

Uh, wow, I, um...

I don't know where I stand with my girl, and I can't talk to her, because I am ashamed.

Aw...

Did he just say "ashamed"?

Yeah, that's what I said.

Ashamed... of being beautiful? Of being a man?

Of being passionate?

Hah! Then I'm ashamed, too.

I say to you... let her in.

(quietly): Yes.

All together now.

On the count of three? Oh.

Let her in.

No counting.

Let her in.

Okay, just go.

Fred: What a wonderful cheese store.

They had so many options.

That's good, 'cause I love cheese.

All kinds of cheese. Orange cheese, pizza cheese... I love all parts of pizzas, especially the dough.

Once I asked for a ball of dough, and they gave it to me and I took it to a park and ate it.

I'm so glad you opened up.

But then I realized I needed some sauce...

(laughter)

People always make fun of my eyes, but I guess they're...

Oh-ho! Good!

Winston, can I have a moment?

(quietly): Uh, yeah.

I love Flip and Nan.

I hate Fred.

No!

I know!

So Fred's not shy, he just sucks.

When I asked him what his favorite hobby was, he said, "Towels."

I've got to break up with that human pile of saltine dust.

I love Flip! I mean, Flip taught me how to be vulnerable with KC, you know?

Yeah.

Nancy ear-candled me.

I can hear for miles.

Their relationship's just such an inspiration, and I want to be around it, but what can we do?

We ditch Fred. Forget about that dude.

We establish our own relationships with Flip and Nancy.

Boom! Make future plans with just them.

"Future plans" is redundant, but other than that, I am on board!

Okay.

Now, I'm gonna need some alone time with Flip and Nancy.

Can you stall Fred?

Can I stall Fred?

Of course I can stall Fred.

I would do anything. I love Flip and Nancy.

Me, too! Are we totally crazy?

Maybe! I don't even care!

I don't even care, either.

Hm!

That's a vodka soda, I think. Uh, it's close enough.

I hear you! I'm getting to you! Stop yelling at me!

Shut up!

I don't understand what Cece's doing here.

She led the walk-out. If she's gonna be here, can she at least help us?

I am not gonna scab.

Sorry, bae, I cannot scab, but I'm here for you as your fiancé.

You are my rock right now. Do you need anything?

No, I'm good, babe. Okay, just let me know if you do. We are screwed!

Hey! Shut up! I'm trying my hardest!

I shouldn't have fired Javier.

I got to apologize. This is all my fault.

Obviously, this is your fault... everybody knows that... but a boss never apologizes; it shows weakness.

I feel like if Javier came back, the rest of the staff would come back.

That's a great idea.

I just said that.

Such a great idea.

Well, then give me one, because I said it first.

If you're giving it for that idea, if it's about that idea, then I deserve one.

But I don't want one.

And I felt left out.

(customers yelling angrily)

Shut up!

Well, I wonder what's taking them.

Probably just the traff. You know, the old 'ic.

(laughing)

"The old 'ic."

Anyway, I was thinking, um, is there anything you guys like to do that Fred doesn't like to do?

'Cause, like, I kind of just want to hang out with you guys and not Fred.

Hm.

Thank you for doing this, by the way. This is great.

Slow night. Just been... driving around, mouthing along to hip-hop songs.

Miss Officer, can we go? I'm very hungry, and my possible girlfriend and parents are waiting for us to order, and it feels like you've done over a million tests.

That's what I been saying!

Where is the justice?

You can go when I tell you to go.

Now, for your next test...

I want you to pretend you're about to break-dance, but do not actually break-dance.

(Fred grumbling loudly)

I didn't mean...

Buddy, I'm talk...

Why would he take that upon him...

Don't ask.

Officer: I mean, whatever.

♪ ♪

Man, he's dumb!

Officer: Give us more hands.

Do it more animated.

But less alive.

That's pretty good.

Aly: Keep all of that but pretend you're underwater.

Deeper. Deeper.

Okay, Jess, uh, what's going on here?

Spill it.

Well... (groans) it's just you guys are so amazing.

And it's really rough out there, and it's nice to be around something so great.

And I-I'm not really a love match with your son, but I think I might be in love with you guys.

(chuckles) Jess, we-we are glad that you think that we're amazing. And we think Yes, we are.

That you're amazing.

Yes, we do.

And, um... we know that Fred isn't the best.

We live with him.

You know, he can be so boring.

I-It's like the apple fell so far from the tree Oh, God... it fell in a truck and then disappeared across state lines.

(chuckles) You guys are very honest.

Did Fred ever tell you that he loves model trains?

Oh, those model trains.

But he's your son.

And we love him.

Deeply.

And that's why we want to make a deal with you.

Nancy: You and Fred equals you and us.

Wow. Lo-Lovely home.

Look, Javier, we've-we've come to give you an incredible opportunity: for you to apologize and get your job back.

So, what do you say?

(chuckles) Okay, uh, well, Javier, let me tell you something. Uh, I've been in the business world for just shy of half of two decades, and I can tell you that an opportunity like this does not come along often. So...

Your boss is extending his hand.

Schmidt, stop. Look, Javier, I'm sorry. I messed up.

Nick, don't apologize.

I've never been a boss before, and it's weird, man.

You're my friend, Javier.

Remember when your cousin was in town and-and my cousin was in town and we kissed each other's cousins and... then we peed on the ice maker?

Yes. I remember that fondly.

So rough.

Look, we both chose the bar over other stuff.

I-I could've been a lawyer, and-and you were a dentist.

Were you, really? You were gonna be a dentist?

Endodontist.

Look, it's my job to keep the bar open, but I still want it to be a great place to work.

If you come back, that'll be my top priority.

That and getting your old skanky cousin back in town, so I could make out with her.

And my skanky cousin back in town so you could make out with her.

So what do you say?

I say... your mother. (chuckles)

Your mother.

Your mother.

Your mother!

Your mother!

No, your mother!

(laughing)

Ah, you son of a bitch.

I love you, man. Oh.

You're the best. Yeah, you guys! Let's do it! My h...

Next hand in, right? N...

Okay, so you're saying that if I date Fred that we can all keep hanging out together.

Yes. We don't want you to lose us or for us to lose you.

You're the child that we always wanted to have.

Imagine us as grandparents.

You think I haven't already?

You'll learn to love Fred.

And even better, you'll never have to go on a first date again.

Yeah. That sounds really good.

There's no rush. I mean, why don't we go up to the Vermont house in the next few weeks and all be together?

Vermont house?

Oh, yeah.

It's an 18th century farmhouse that we kind of refurbished.

Gah. Oh.

We send romantic notes on the clothesline.

Oh, my geez.

And a loom in the barn.

(chuckles) Poof.

Hey, there!

Hi!

(chuckling) Right over here, buddy.

Winston: I am terribly sorry, you guys.

We got held up by an overzealous cop.

Nancy: You know, Fred, uh, Jess was just saying how much she likes model trains, right, Jess?

Fred: I didn't know you were a railie. That's so great.

What's your gauge? Are you a G gauge? Uh, G scale, Gauge one? HO scale? TT scale?

Probably not a tabletop girl, right?

Do you do it costumed? Or do you just do it leisurely?

I deal mostly with the, uh, transitional era, post-Industrial Revolution.

(groaning) I collect a lot of open-air coal engines. I'm the president of my module group, actually.

We use horn hook couplers, so I'm kind of one of the best at scenery building. Uh, just finished this beautiful sanitation depot, made completely out of balsa.

I also was the first to implement wire-framed humans so that the people are poseable.

Station agent is now... Now he can bend his arm to say hello as the train passes.

There's one little girl I use... I call her Sally.

I'm also quite good at flocking snow, so I'm very popular around the holidays.

Aah! Stop! Please stop. I just, uh... I ca... I can't do this.

I can't believe I was even considering doing this.

I can't just settle down to settle down.

I really, really want you to consider what you're giving up.

Yeah, Terry Gross owns the house next to us in Vermont.

Oh, my God. Do you run into her at syrup festivals?

Fred: We had a horse.

Until it ran away.

Its name was Daniel.

Daniel Boulevard.

I got to pick the last name, and I named him while we were in the car.

I have to go!

Let's go.

Hey, listen, Jess and I really aren't that close.

I'm all about horses.

Jess: We're going!

Schmidt: You know what, Nick, you were right.

A bar isn't just a place of business.

It's a place for people.

Mm.

Which is something I truly hate about it.

A bunch of bottom-feeders here.

Chum at the bottom of the ocean. Yuck.

I know. And that's why, as a manager, I'm thinking I have to fire you.

Maybe you should fire me. What do you think?

You save enough money, buy me out one day, you run this place on your own.

You really think I could?

Yeah, definitely.

I mean, your dumb bitch of a mother sure could.

What?

Your-your mother, who, uh, we're referring to in this circumstance as a dumb bitch.

I think she could probably...

Wait, what?

Come on. That's what you and Javier do, right?

C... Your... Uh, your mother, who, uh, you know, is a dumb... is a dumb...

Is that not... is that not how the joke goes?

(chuckling) I know.

Thanks, man.

Thank you.

Um, can I have another napkin?

Are you sure?

Uh, yeah, I don't need one.

You know what, I know they turned out super weird and kind of like rich pimps, but... I just kind of miss 'em, you know?

I'm glad they were weird. Kind of snapped me out of it.

I was about one park day away from a Vermont model train-themed wedding.

Yo, Nick, you like my shirt?

It look like I'm naked.

Very cool, man. (laughs)

Right.

Come here, man.

Hey! Get out of here. I'll catch up later. Boss man's got to go over the books.

Okay.

Good to have you back, man.

Oh, this is very terrible.

(dance music playing)

I don't believe you.

♪ ♪

Can you put, like, a jazz spin on that?

♪ ♪

Look like an ***.

Start spinning.

That's actually pretty good.

I just feel really bad for Flip and Nancy.

Shut up about Flip and Nancy.