03x05 - The Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (Part 2)

[bunniefuu]

And yea, verily doth it be decreed in Book Three, Chapter Five, that upon awakening, the Catalyst came to an impasse but went forth, spreading the seeds that hastened the salad days, and his name was shouted to the skies.

(Ileen Goldsmith's "Life is Sweet")

♪
♪ Things are gonna get worse ♪

What?

You!

I know who you are...

Oh, good. The doctors were concerned about your memory retention.

Oh, I remember everything, Dave.

Or should I say, David Mountford?

Either. It's up to you.

(scoffs) Oh, I don't think it's a good idea for you to get up.

Oh, well, then that must mean that it is a good idea for me to get up.

The morphine's got you confused.

The morphine's got nothin' to do with it.

I need to keep a clear head.

Oh, my God! Oh, no! This is insane!

No, no, no, it's okay... the doctors just shaved your head for the CAT scan.

It'll grow back. Oh! But, good news.

Sainsburys came back with a much-increased offer.

Seems your playing hardball impressed them.

Oh, right, because you "set me up quite nicely."

Your exact words, Dave.

Seems you tipped your hand.

And it would've worked, too, but the one thing you didn't count on was the power of dreams.

The power of dreams?

Google LaBerge and DeGracia, assh*le!

I know all about you and your evil plan.

Evil plan? But, uh, Mr. Margaret...

Uh, Todd, uh, sir, uh...

Where's my...

Mate!

I have done nothing... Oh, my...

All I've done is try to help you.

Jesus!

You're fired.

Wh... No, no, no, no, no, no.

Mr. Margaret, sir, p... p... please don't do that.

(near tears) My father will be so upset.

Dave, you can stop now.

You don't have to slum with the rest of us, all right?

Just put your riding jodhpurs on and regatta back to daddy.

Hey, no, Mr... Mr. Margaret, I don't know what I've done to upset you.

I can... I can make it right, I... I promise.

I... I put my job, my career, on the line to get you the...

(low voice) you know what.

Yeah...

I did that because you treated me as an equal.

As though we were equals.

That meant the world to me.

Ohh, did it?

Yes.

I just wanted to learn from you, so... so, please, don't fire me.

Dave... come on.

I'm sorry.

(sighs) Thank you.

Yeah... it's gonna be all right.

There, there, there you go!

Yaaah ahh!

Nighty-night, ya backstabbing piece of sh*t.

Why don't you go cry in your castle?

Excuse me, I'm looking for Alice Bell.

(whispering) I gotta get out of this country.

I gotta get to the airport.

(cockney accent) Ah, f*ckin' yid bastard.

Uh, Paki, wog, benefit-scrounging, gypsy, Romanian piece of shite.

Ah, f*ckin'... hell.

I gotta get a taxi.

I... The dream. Megathrax.

I can't... I can't have any Megathrax on me.

All right. Right, okay.

Sir! They're about to operate on your daughter.

What?

I... I don't have a daughter.

Oh, my God.

You gotta get in there quick!

God knows who they've got!

Sir, the keys!

Sorry. Okay.

(engine starts, tires screech)

(knock on door)

Hello, hello, hello.

(chuckling) I'm Brent, this is Doug.

Have you heard the good news, neighbor?

There is a prophet who walks amongst us...

(thunder sound effect plays)

He's the one known as the Catalyst.

And through his premonitions, he shall usher in a new era, but first, he needs revivification, uh...

(sound effects continue)

(crunching)

(thunder sounds fade)

Can I ask, is it the presentation in its entirety that you took issue with, or just the audio portion?

(sighs) Fudge tickles!

Really goofing this thing up.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting on that comet one way or another, even if I have to push the button myself.

Ha, but that would make you the Catalyst, and you are no Catalyst.

Well, why not?

We know that the Catalyst doesn't know he's the Catalyst, thus proving that I could be the Catalyst.

Uh, yeah, but you just said that you could be the Catalyst, which means you aren't the Catalyst, because the Catalyst does not know he's the Catalyst, and you do know.

Here's what we know.

Nobody's stepping up to be the Catalyst, so someone needs to become the Catalyst.

You see?

It's a self-fulfilling, uh, prophecy!

You get it?

Whoever has the vision to become the Catalyst is, ipso facto, the Catalyst.

man: I'm in!

radio newscaster: Alice Bell was att*cked by an American at yesterday's Garden Party rally, remains in critical condition at Leeds Hospital.

In related news, Rupert Murdoch has taken to Twitter and SnapChat to insist he is not, nor has he ever been secretly, a Jew.

(straining)

(horn honking)

(panting) Oh, no way.

(horn honking)

Okay!

(tires screeching)

(grunting)

God...

Uhh!

Ohh!

(tires screeching)

(Beethoven's "Ode to Joy")

(alarm whooping, steam hissing)

Uhh!

Ohh, this is...

That's economics.

Ipso facto...

I am the Catalyst.

I'm sorry... you said you didn't have the £300,000?

Well, no, as the Catalyst, I thought that maybe I'd get a discount.

And his sidekick.

You're not the Catalyst.

Too tall.

How about me?

Nooo.

What about now?

I'm terribly sorry.

That was very childish.

Not only that, and this is a bit of a big one, I'm afraid... you also have blasphemed the Catalyst.

(whispering) And that's a big no-no.

So, you leave me with no choice but to chastise you.

(whispering) Yes. Oh, yeah.

(ominous chanting)

♪

(muttering) All right.

Passport, passport.

Pam... you're in the bathtub, right?

Pam: Calm down... I couldn't use mine.

I sold it!

Don't care. It's all yours.

Keep the toothbrush.

(sighs)

Hey!

Taxi!

Um... um...

It's not a dastar, mate. It's a hat.

Nope. Go, go.

(sighs)

Oh! Taxi, come on!

In or out?

What's the verdict?

Nope, nope, nope!

Yo!

(sighs)

(cockney accent) I ain't got all day, mate.

Right.

Heathrow, please.

Goin' on holiday, are ya?

No, I am going home.

'Bout as good a time as any, right?

What with that Megathrax outbreak.

What?

Haven't you 'eard?

Megathrax was released.

They reckon it must've been a t*rror1st.

I didn't go inside The Molecule.

Yeah, that's the name of the place... "The Molecule."

But I made sure when I left the hospital I didn't have any Megathrax on me.

I know I didn't. Oh, just go.

Hurry, hurry, please!

(cell phone ringing)

(speaking Korean)

(chuckling) Sorry, mate.

My wife wants me to pick up some nuts.

I knew it was you!

Oh, God, stop this car.

God, you know, I thought maybe it wasn't 'cause of, you know, the whole... eye thing.

But just let me out. Anywhere! Let me out!

(grunting) Okay... here!

(muttering)

Taxi...

No, you!

Hey, hey! Stop, stop, stop!

(rickshaw creaks)

Heathrow Airport.

Heathrow Airport! Step on it! Go!

Brother Wilts... Brother Whitney...

(ominous chanting)

For the misdemeanor of pretending to be the Catalyst, you are hereby duty bound to receive your chastisement.

If you're gonna act like children, we're gonna treat you like children.

man: Flipping heck, it's not taking.

Ohh. Have you checked the HDMI port?

Oh, maybe it's an "S" cable.

... lasted.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

And there was a surprise in the art world today as Pam Woods, a virtual unknown, won the Turner Prize for "My Bathroom," a gritty, grounded piece that displays her bathroom in all its embarrassing glory.

Wet towels, filthy toothbrushes, empty booze bottles, f*g butts, used condoms, worn panties, revealing that she is as insecure and imperfect as the rest of the world.

How is that art?

What an absolute load of rubbish.

Back now to our top story. Police have released CCTV footage of a suspicious man seen at the location where the vial of Megathrax was released.

The Megathrax has been released?

The plague!

The seeds have spread.

It's begun.

Now wait, wait, wait... let's not get ahead of ourselves.

We all know what didn't happen to those amateurs in Heaven's Gate.

Police are looking for this man.

Pause it!

He has come.

The Ca'alyst! The Ca'alyst!

Shh!

I have to admit, the resemblance is uncanny.

Martin, get the wood cuttin'.

(muffled protests)

Wait! He's saying he knows who that man is.

(muffled speech)

Don't worry. I can understand you perfectly. I'm a dentist.

(high-pitched grunting)

Well, yeah, I could do that, but the point is that I can understand you perfectly, so I don't need to take it out.

(whining grunting)

There's no need to use that kind of language!

Neville, stop showing off and take the fun ball out of his mouth.

Fine.

Mm!

(pop) Mm! Uhh!

The man on TV, his name is Todd Margaret.

We work together.

He just got in from Portland week before last.

He journeyed across land and sea.

(muffled grunting)

No! No, man, that's not Todd.

He... he's got, like, hair a... and a goatee.

Doug: No, no, no.

He shaved it off last week to go visit the Houses of Parliament.

He visi'ed the rule-makers.

Why'd he go to the House of Parliament?

Well, he dropped a ton of Thunder Muscle from a helicopter and left a huge hole in Hertfordshire!

Neville: He did rise up and unleash a bolt of energy so that nature and space were altered.

(whispering) This sounds like a nightmare.

Doug: No, no, no, that's the best bit.

He's afraid of his dreams!

(all laughing)

Doug: He's afraid they might actually... c... come... t... true.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

The Catalyst is Dave!

The Catalyst is me!

No, you idiots.

The Catalyst is...

both: Todd Margaret.

Elementary!

And you say you know this person?

Yes!

Doug... you are still "Seg One."

You need to get to the bank, ASAP.

Yes, sir.

Rev. Goody: Wilts... go and find the Catalyst and bring him to us.

Absolutely! Of course.

But first, let's... let's take care of this.

Okay? So get the ball gag back in, and...

Who was first? Who is it? Was it Monty?

No, Phillip, do not cut in line.

All right, good. Here.

All right, we're good.

(sighs)

176. Thank you.

Hi, uh, I need a ticket on the next flight to Portland, Oregon.

Okay.

Next, please.

(sighs)

(indistinct crowd chatter)

(sighs)

I need you to look at me.

Can't see your face.

Sorry... I dropped a... oop!

Sir, I need you to look at me, or I can't see your face.

No, no.

Can you please not smile?

I just need you to look at me.

Here I am.

It's the guy on the... thing.

Ooh, okay. You've changed.

Oh, yes, I was... I used to be younger.

Yeah, so I aged a little bit, and I, uh... radiation... uh, leakage... the, um, alopecia...

What was the purpose of your visit?

Bus... Pleasure.

Bu... uh, pl... just pleasurable business.

Ya know, I mean, I... I... I came here for s... some business, but I try to have fun.

So, uh, uh, I went o... I took a walk, saw a horse, I went to a strip club.

(chuckling) No shame in that, right?

Ya know, uh... I mean, just check out some of your fine English ladies.

Although most of them are Eastern European, right?

Right. Probably sex slaves.

But I'm not judging. There's no judgment at all.

Okay, did you visit I just, yeah... anywhere else while you were here?

Uh, just Leeds.

Leeds? I...

Uh, that's not a crime, to go... I mean, not a crime, but you can... I can move freely within the country, I would imagine, yeah. So, uh, so, yeah.

You're asking me if I went anywhere else.

Yes, I did, I want to be honest with you.

I went to Leeds. So there it is.

It's all up front. I went to Leeds, England.

Y... you know, it's Yorkshire, it's beautiful country.

It's up north. Have you been? It's great.

I'm from there originally.

Are you?

Yeah, well, originally-originally.

Well, my dad's from there.

Was from there. He's dead. He d*ed.

Uh, but, you know, we had, uh, fish and chips together a lot.

You know, with The Who.

Uh, not all the time. Just on Saturdays.

It's just a... a great part of England.

You really should try to make it up there sometime.

♪ The green hills of Yorkshire ♪
♪ Buh-buh-buh-bum-bum bum-buh-buh-buh-buh ♪
♪ Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum bum, buh-bum-bum-bum ♪
♪ The green... ♪

I won't do the whole thing.

No, don't.

I... in summation, I... (chuckling)

Yes, I went to Leeds. My dad is dead.

God rest his peace.

I'm just trying to go... home.

I just gotta get past you, and I'm home free.

Go back to Portland, where I'm from, you know, where I live, where my... where my girlfriend is.

You know, where... where my Fanny is.

No, I know that means something diff...

Not my vag*na. Like, it's a cat.

My... my... uh, it's...

I just want to get back to my girlfriend, my p*ssy cat, my pu... her puss... (laughing) I'm a...

I'm a guy, I'm a red-blooded heterosexual... male.

So, yes, two pussies all around.

Right.

(laughing) It's not a p...

I don't understand what this line of questioning is.

(email chimes)

It seems a bit much, sir.

This is honestly a bit much.

Your Honor, I object to all this, well-sustained.

You know, I just... I am...

Good. Go.

Uh...

Enjoy your flight.

Give me a pint... o... of anything.

I don't care. That.

I'm sorry, but I have to see some ID.

(indistinct PA announcement)

Turkish coffee, please.

(cell phone vibrating)

There you go.

A pint of no return.

pilot: May I... look at your passport?

Sorry, I'm writing a book about American passports.

You know, something to read on the loo.

It will be fun to look at this book.

(breathes) Oh, God, no.

Well, it's not to everyone's taste, I suppose.

bartender: Where are you flying to today, Achmed?

Portland, Oregon.

At least, I hope.

You think your flat stinks.

Well, here's a story from Portland, Oregon, in America.

112 people found themselves homeless when their entire building was condemned after one tenant's decomposing cat attracted various animals, which then att*cked and k*lled each other.

bartender: Really?

Achmed: Yeah, apparently the smell was visible from outer space.

bartender: Well, he certainly caused quite a stink.

(chuckling) Yes.

(PA bell pings, cell phone buzzes)

man: Flight 127 to Portland, Oregon, is now boarding at Gate 6.

(sighs)

Todd, it's David.

What is going on?

I... I don't know what I've done to make you turn on me like that.

But... you've drugged me, you've called me names, and you have even ruined my trousers.

Don't you have anything to say?

Yeah.

They're called pants, assh*le.

Flight 127 to...

Oh!

He's at the airport.

Ms. Purity...

Really s... sorry for the loss.

I can't believe she's dead.

Oh, God.

It's okay.

She's with h*tler now.

Thank you.

That Todd Margaret's gonna pay for this.

Yeah, we'll k*ll him.

Father, it's David.

Yeah, I need a man from the Civil Aviation Authority, someone from the U.S. embassy...

Oh, yes, and I'm gonna need the family helicopter.

(seatbelts snapping)

(sighs)

(chuckles softly)

Mr. Todd Margaret?

Will you come with me, please?

I believe you were given the wrong seating assignment.

(muffled opera music playing)

Oh, yes.

Thank you. Right.

Paper, sir?

(seatbelt snaps)

(engines humming)

(bell pings)

man: Flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.

(Johnny Marr's "Life is Sweet")

♪ Life is short and the days are long ♪
♪ Gotta get right back where I don't belong ♪

(pinging)

man: Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain.

We've been informed that there is an unaccounted-for bag in the hold that originated from a Portland flight.

We need to taxi back to the gate and deplane while it is checked out.

Sorry about that.

(engines dying)

Are you f*cking kidding me?!

(Ileen Goldsmith's "Life is Sweet")

♪ If I know what I need ♪
♪ Without reservation ♪
♪ Life's too sweet ♪
♪ A real sensation ♪
♪ Can't control myself ♪
♪ Anticipation ♪
♪ Things are gonna get worse ♪

Okay, almost certainly nothing, but we have found a suspect package, and we are going to blow it up.

Ready in 5.

5, 4, 3, 2...

See that?

That's why were the best.

Best in the world.