01x03 - How to Survive Being a Plus One

[bunniefuu]

When you're in your 20s, friends will invite you to lots of places.

(goat bleats)

Some are easy to get to.

Others... are places you never expected to go.

We must be almost there, right?

Are we almost there, señor?

(speaking Spanish)

Said about another half hour.

Okay. Thank you.

What's that smell?

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are here to mess up our lives so you don't have to.

(goat bleats)

You guys... you're not gonna believe what I just got in the mail. I just... it's... Ugh, I can't.

I can't, either. I feel you.

That new Abercrombie catalog got my emotions going.

Fear, elation. Can it be desire?

No. This.

My ex-boyfriend Thom is getting married.

We dated for four years.

You dated someone for four years?

That's four years longer than your longest relationship.

Neal: So you and a guy did couple stuff, too, like, you held hands and you injected each other with human growth hormones?

Neal, we need to talk about that, man.

Yes.

I was in a real relationship.

I wasn't always the fun-loving single girl that warms a room with a smile, a wink and a hair flip.

You know.

(laughs)

Adorable.

What are you doing?

Are you having a stroke?

Anyway, he's now getting married to a woman named Clementine Rose, who is allegedly a real person and not the ghost of a 1930s burlesque dancer.

Oh, and guess where he's getting married.

(mariachi music plays)

Inside a telenovela?

Brussels.

Mexico.

Mazunte, Mexico. And he gives me a plus-one.

So I'm screwed, because if I show up alone, then I'm sad and desperate, and if I don't go, then I'm just bitter.

Cooper: Mm. Sounds like what you need is a phenomenal, great-looking date who A, knows how to have a good time, B, knows how to make a guy jealous, and C, is great at making lists.

So I'm gonna spare you the shame of begging me by volunteering now.

Wow, that is so generous of you.

To you.

But you'd be a terrible plus-one.

What?

I'd be a great plus-one, okay?

At weddings, I take over the dance floor, the DJ booth and occasionally the honeymoon suite.

Neal: (clears throat) I don't want to brag or nothing, but I'm the ideal wedding date because I am really good in photo booths, I have tiny purse-holding hands, but I'm not going near Mexico with El Chapo still on the loose.

Kelly: Okay, some really great choices.

Cooper, you're in.

Yes!

(groans)

♪ Cooper's gonna ruin your wedding and when he's gone ♪
♪ I'm-a sleep in his bed ♪

Hey!

♪ Da, da, da... ♪

Stop it.

(others groan)

24 episodes of 24 in 24 hours.

Man, I've always wanted to do this.

Me, too. It makes so much more sense than when we watched 24 episodes of Harry's Law in 24 hours.

True, although we did learn that justice is best served with a little side of sass. Come on, now.

Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer.

'Sup, guys?

Hey.

Oh, Jack Bauer.

Cooper, please tell me this is not the only tie you own.

Also, where do you keep your formal socks?

Oh, right next to my silk handkerchiefs and antique pocket watches.

Why were you in my room?

Because I'm packing for you for our wedding trip tomorrow.

You have three looks: Wedding Ain't No Thing, Reception Sophistication and my personal favorite, Good-bye Brunch Chic.

Oh. Do I get approval of any of these looks or...?

(chuckles) You're hilarious.

I'm putting our suitcases in your car tonight so that all you have to do tomorrow is wake up and throw on an outfit of your choice that I've approved of in advance.

How did Thom ever let you go?

I'm sorry, I know this is intense, but this weekend just means a lot to me and I don't want to leave anything to chance.

As you know, I like things super organized and, as we know, you thrive on chaos.

Okay, that is not true.

(grunting)

Oh! There's my passport.

Thanks, James Franco. See?

Always works out.

Okay.

We're leaving tomorrow, 10:30 sharp.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. But our flight isn't until 5:00.

Look, Kelly, I am all for showing Thom with an "H"... which is ridiculous, by the way... that you're over him, but I also want to have fun.

We're going to Mexico.

Just... relax.

You can count on me.

(James Franco squeals)

Now excuse me while I chase my pig.

James Franco.

Thank you so much for doing this.

I owe you big-time.

Are you kidding me?

I'm happy to. Revenge looks are my specialty.

Are you sure this is okay, though?

Because I feel like the braid says "look at me" when what I want it to say is "look how much happier I am than you."

Trust me, I wore this braid to my high school reunion last month, and it looked so good my frenemy developed bulimia again.

Oh.

Yeah.

(cell phone ringing)

Kelly: Hi.

Just got your toothpaste.

Original flavor, as requested.

No, I wanted spearmint!

Nah-ha, just kidding. I got spearmint. Burn.

Nice one.

Okay, what's the status of our bags, your car and your outfit?

Bags are in the car, car is in the parking lot, and the outfit is adorable.

Okay.

Like I told you, you can count... on... me.

Cooper?

Wait, that's my car!

There's no way I owe $3,000 in parking tickets.

There must be some mistake.

There was.

(exhales)

I forgot to include the $200 impound fee.

You know what the irony is?

I never would have noticed.

But I got, like, three parking tickets in the last year.

Anyone else use your car?

Cooper, look, okay, I borrowed your car, all right?

But I did not get 14 parking tickets.

I got nine. Tops.

(sighs)

Yeah, I might have gotten a few.

Neal, you have your own car.

I don't like taking it to certain parts of town.

Plus, you have that handicapped placard.

That's an air freshener.

Really? Well, then, it doesn't work, because your car smells like hot lamb.

Ah, that's exactly what his car smell like.

Guys, I have to pick up Kelly in 30 minutes, and the city is holding my car, our bags and our passports hostage for $3,200.

Kind of busy right now, dude.

Neal, I'm gonna need you to stop watching 24 and start living it.

Jack Bauer: Trace this call and send a TAC team immediately.

Jack?

Chloe, just trace the call.

Chloe: Jack...

That girl is so beautiful. That was crazy.

Don't worry, Agent Cooper. I'm calling for reinforcements.

(singing with radio): ♪ I can't feel my face when I'm with you ♪

(phone ringing)

♪ But I... ♪

Yeah.

Your brother needs you.

I'm on it.

Hello. How are we today... Darla?

Joshua Barrett, Esquire.

Partner at Stern, Simons, Kelsey, Grammer & Barrett.

Now, I'm not sure what your knowledge of civil forfeiture law is, but if it's as extensive as mine, you realize your liability here is not insignificant.

However, we are prepared to not seek damages if you release the vehicle and forgive the $3,200.

It's almost too easy.

Oh, look at that.

It's actually $3,400 with the towing fee.

I'm catching mistakes left and right.

Can I just go in and grab something out of the trunk?

Please? It'll take five minutes.

No, no, no.

If it's only five minutes.

Bobby?

We don't need five minutes, because you're gonna let the car go now.

Listen, you bureaucratic cage jockey, I don't need...

I'm going on my break.

No, no, no. It's not time for...

Bobby? Can you get Bobby back on that thing?

Please? Darla?

Darla?

Neal: Cooper, what's your 20?

We have a hostile situation on the home front.

Neal, I don't have time to play 24 right now.

What situation?

Kelly: Hey. Where have you been?

You were supposed to pick me up 15 minutes ago.

Uh... wow. You look incredible.

Thanks. This is my "effortless travel" look.

It only took three hours.

That sounds about right.

Okay, let's go.

We're already behind schedule.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh... before you do, I have... your toothpaste.

Oh! (laughs)

Yay!

You're yay-ing toothpaste. Why?

Why are you doing that? Something happened.

What happened, Cooper?

(indistinct conversation)

Looks like she's taking it pretty well.

I don't know why Cooper thought she would freak out.

And you brought me toothpaste?

Okay, how about this, huh?

Thanks, Cooper!

Okay. I have a foolproof plan to get back our suitcases and passports.

I'm coming with you. What is it?

I don't know, I was going to make it up on the way.

COOPER: You know, Barry's ice cream truck handles surprisingly well.

And... here we are.

This is your plan? Get more parking tickets?

What? No. The truck gets towed to the impound lot with us hiding in the back.

We climb out, get our bags from my trunk and head to the airport.

The "get more tickets" plan made more sense to me.

Just trust me.

Why would I trust you?

You came up with this plan four minutes ago.

Doesn't mean it's not a good one.

Come on.

(sighs)

Cooper: There we go.

Kelly: What is that touching me?

Ice cream cone.

Better be an ice cream cone.

How do you live like this?

I don't know. Practice, I guess.

♪ ♪

COOPER: I told you this would work.

(indistinct radio communication)

See? So far, so good.

Let's go.

So far...

So far, so good?

So far, so good?

We just climbed out of an ice cream truck in an impound lot to steal our luggage out of your car.

No, Cooper.

So far, not so good.

That's kind of big-picture.

I was thinking more last few minutes.

Look, there it is.

God!

Okay.

See, I told you.

Foolproof.

Remind me to get that changed.

Oh, come on.

It's okay. Let's do it the old-fashioned way.

(key snaps)

Okay, uh... you don't have any tiny batteries on you, by any chance, do you?

I'm trying to be such a good person right now.

I'm really trying.

But right now I'm sweating through my revenge travel look, and I think I sat on a Choco Taco.

It's okay. I got this.

(line ringing)

Neal.

I need you to log into my AutoKey account and remotely unlock my car.

Roger that. I'm on it.

Hey, if that's Papa Sal's, tell them I want a large pepperoni, Barry-style, and that I continue to miss the Noid.

What? No, it's Cooper. He needs our help.

Okay, I'm accessing your account right now. What's your password?

I have no idea.

Son of a bitch!

Okay, we've gonna have to cr*ck these security questions.

Oh, don't go in there! It's not safe!

Mother's maiden name?

Davis.

Got it. Okay. What's your p*rn star name?

That's a security question?

You set these questions, not me, dude.

Now, think... what's your p*rn star name?

I don't... I don't remember!

Damn it, Cooper, your p*rn star name is your first pet and the street you grew up on.

Uh... Gizmo St. George.

It's not working.

Mine is Lizard Main Street. Try that.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait. I moved from Ventura.

Try Gizmo Ventura.

(ding)

Yes! That's it! Okay, we're in.

Cooper, your car should be unlocking right about...

(click)

It's unlocked. Thanks, guys.

Anytime, Cooper.

Mm.

Anytime.

Man, you're good.

Let's break into some more of Cooper's stuff.

I have to say, if we didn't actually have to get to the airport, I might be enjoying this.

What? What is it?

Nothing. You look great.

Okay.

My toes! Ah, Cooper!

All right, just be careful.

Careful! Oh, God!

No, that purse is really expensive! What are you doing?

Come on! Cooper!

I feel like there's something about impound lots we forgot to take into account.

Is it a dog? Your face is telling me it's a dog.

(barking)

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

Okay.

(barking)

Come on, Cooper!

That was too close.

(barking)

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Oh, my God, no! No, no, no. Oh, Cooper.

My dress! It's ruined. It's all stained. I can't wear this.

I got this.

Color? Cut?

Size? Real size?

Got it. Okay, Operation Freakum Dress is in effect.

Boop.

Boop! Boop!

Boop! Boop!

This is called a revenge braid.

You wear this to the playground, Madison's gonna leave you alone.

(phone ringing)

What up, B-Dog?

I understand. I'm on it.

What would be good on Kelly?

No. Not floral.

Damn it!

(tires screeching)

The dress has landed.

(tires screeching)

Good-bye.

Man: Taxi.

(screeches, giggles)

Oh, God, it's perfect.

Thanks, man!

(laughter)

Thank you.

If it feel loose or anything like that, it's not because I tried it on, okay?

Love you. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Come on, come on, come on. Come on. Let's go.

(tires squealing)

(scanner beeping)

I have no idea how, but we made it.

And with two hours to spare before our flight.

Yeah, you know that's when normal people get to the airport, right?

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

I'm sorry, but this passport is expired.

Wow.

Really, Cooper?

This is exactly what I was talking about when I said that you live your life in chaos.

Like, how hard is it to read the date on your passport?

You take a look, you say, "What year is it right now?"

No, ma'am... your passport is expired.

His is good through 2021.

Please tell me you got this.

I got this.

Copy that. I know just the man for the job.

(line ringing)

Commence Operation Redemption.

Do you want a list of people that I know at the State Department?

John freaking Kerry.

Boom. That's the end of the list.

Now, please, Miss Silvers, approve my friend's passport.

No.

Look, I'm sorry that I was so abrasive before.

It's just, I... don't really know how to act around beautiful women.

Cooper, look, they have a wedding hashtag.

"Thom loves Clem."

Look how happy they are. Gross.

Okay, that's enough Instagram for you.

This is ridiculous, Kelly.

Why do you care so much about this guy?

Because... I don't know.

I really thought that he was the one.

Really? Thom with an "H" was the one?

Yes, Cooper, he was my first real relationship.

He was the first guy that I said "I love you" to.

He was the last guy that I cried over.

I'm such an idiot for pushing him away.

Or you were awesome and he ran away because he's afraid of commitment.

That's what I thought, but after only eight months of dating, he's marrying some girl named after a tiny orange.

Okay, you know what? You want to out-happy Thom?

Here. Smile.

(chuckles)

(camera clicks)

All right. "Headed to...

#ThomLovesClem."

Thank you.

(chuckles softly)

Josh: All right.

Good news is got you cleared for Mexico.

(laughing): What?

Josh, that's fantastic.

Bad news is your flight got canceled ten minutes ago, and I might be dating that TSA agent.

Kelly: That was the last flight.

Okay. I give up.

It's like the universe does not want me to go to this wedding. I just...

Can we just go home?

I just want to go home.

No. No. You know what?

You spent weeks driving me crazy for this.

We broke into an impound lot for this.

Josh has a new girlfriend 'cause of this.

Well, we haven't had the talk yet.

What are you saying?

I'm saying...

We're getting you to Mexico.

(all vocalizing lively mariachi tune)

All: Hey!

Mexico, here we come!

(others whooping)

- Sí, señor!

I really gotta go pee.

So, if Mexican Waze is right, we should be at the wedding with ten minutes to spare.

Yay! I still have to pee.

I owe you guys so big-time.

You're the seriously the best plus-five in the world.

But if any of you get caught sneaking into the wedding...

I am the real plus-one.

I've never heard of you.

I get paid to sneak into weddings.

I could hop in the wedding, hop out, nobody even notice me.

What the hell?

(speaking Spanish)

KELLY: Oh, no, we're never gonna make it on time.

Josh: Oh, yes, we will.

Hold on, everybody.

Here we go.

Josh...

(all screaming)

(man grunts, tires squealing)

(tire pops, Josh grunts)

(groaning)

Kelly: Well, that's not good.

Josh: No, it's fine.

I have roadside assistance.

Platinum coverage.

That is "only valid in the 48 continental United States."

Once again, Hawaii.

What?

Is left out in the cold.

(zipping)

(Neal whoops) So much better.

What the hell are you doing?

We are stranded. We might have to drink that.

Give it an hour.

Plan B?

♪ ♪

(goat bleating)

Are we almost there, señor?

(speaking Spanish)

He said about another half hour.

Okay. Thank you.

Here we go. (grunts)

Thanks.

Gracias.

I also go to the wedding.

Really?

(laughing)

Ah!

Gonna miss you, Esteban.

You're crazy!

(indistinct chatter)

You ready?

Yeah.

Wow. Fancy.

Yeah.

Didn't know Wes Anderson did weddings.

Are we somehow early?

How am I holding up?

Oh, you know what?

The goat feces really completes the look.

(laughs nervously)

Just be exactly who you are, and that'll be more than enough.

All right?

Oh. Kelly?

Oh, wait. Hi.

One second.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

Thank you.

Stay strong.

Hi. Thom.

Sorry. I just wanted to try one of your signature cocktails. Is that mescal?

People don't use that. That's smoky.

It's good.

Yeah, well, we might as well drink up now that the wedding's off, right? Cheers.

The wedding's off?

Yeah, happened about a half hour ago.

Look, I'm sorry to make you come all this way.

No, I... What happened?

'C-'Cause on Instagram, you guys seemed, like, really happy.

Not... From the very little that I saw.

I didn't even... I was just browsing.

Clem is a great girl, but I couldn't go through with it.

There was something missing, something...

I don't know.

Something we always had.

Like, y-you and me, we?

I've been thinking a lot about you lately.

You have?

I'm so glad you're here.

Yeah. M-Me, too.

I... (groans)

I want to introduce you to Cooper Barrett, my boyfriend.

Hey, man.

I'm sorry to hear about the wedding.

How long have you guys been together?

(laughing): Oh, God, seems like years.

♪ I can't feel my face when I'm with you ♪
♪ But I love it, but I love it... ♪

We haven't been to Mexico since our honeymoon.

It feels like yesterday.

(laughs) Yeah.

(phone rings)

Oh.

♪ But I love it ♪

Oh, I should get this.

It's this TSA agent I might have to have sex with.

Cool. I might make out with the mariachi band.

Great.

See ya.

Hello?

Oh. I want to play.

Back up, back up.

Here we go, here we go.

Hey!

Me, me, me, me!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Yes! Finally I'm the next one to eat a churro!

Damn it.

Always a churro bridesmaid, never a churro bride.

So, what's the important stuff?

Well, pay your parking tickets, pigs love passports, and if you do end up being someone's plus-one, don't complain if you get micromanaged.

It's not about you.

Thanks.

It's about the person who brought you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

You know, I was kind of worried you were about to fill in for Clementine.

Okay, I'll admit, I got a little caught up in the moment, but I don't know, I just kept thinking about what you said at the airport.

"Remind me to buy duty-free tequila"?

No, that the relationship wouldn't work out because Thom's a loser and he's afraid of commitment and I'm freaking perfect.

I said that?

Word for word.

Don't argue with me.

I'm really happy you're my friend.

Friend, huh? 'Cause, you know, that's not what you told "Thommy" inside.

Come on! You saw him. I had to say something.

(laughter)

Cooper: Oh, Barry, you gotta tell someone you're gonna throw a fried dessert at them!

Barry!

♪ I can't feel my face ♪

Barry!

♪ When I'm with you ♪
♪ But I love it ♪
♪ But I love it. ♪