01x02 - The Third Wheel Gets Slapped

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Zoe Ever After". Aired January - February 2016.
"Zoe Ever After" follows a recently single mom stepping out of the shadow of her famous boxer ex-husband, while trying to balance dating, motherhood, a complicated relationship with her ex and fulfilling her dream of starting a cosmetics business.
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01x02 - The Third Wheel Gets Slapped

Post by bunniefuu »

The key to being single and fabulous is being open to new experiences.

♪♪ (quiet chatter)

So, what do you think?

Uh... can I be honest with you?


I don't get it.

It looks like a nightmare I had after eating five-day-old Chinese food.



I mean, my eight-year-old son can do better than this, and he is a horrible artist.

You should see my refrigerator at home.

It looks like a crime scene.

But this guy...


I am this guy.

Wait, what?


Your five-day-old Chinese food nightmare has a name.

It's Jordan.

I'm sorry, Jordan.

See, this is the first day with this new brain, and it's not quite in sync with my mouth yet.

(chuckling) It's okay.

You don't have to be sorry.

I mean, I just sold this baby for $300,000.



Imagine how much it'll be worth when you d*ad.


Oh, I shouldn't have said that. Damn.

Zoe: Another key to being single and fabulous is knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

♪ Zoe ♪
♪ Ever After ♪
♪ Zoe ♪♪

(elevator bell dings)

Yo, is X ready?

Ooh, what are you wearing?

You're going camping with an eight-year-old, not leading a battalion in to storm Afghanistan.

Hey, Dad.

Hey-hey, Mini-Me.

Check out what your pops got you.

Cool! Camo!

Wow, Gemini Moon goes camping.

I mean, could flying coach and parking your own car be far behind?

Ever since you gave me my walking papers, I've acquired quite a few hobbies.


What is this?

That is to start a f*re... for me after you go to sleep.

I'll take care of this. Thanks.

You take care of my baby.

Gemini, I want him in your sight at all times, okay?

And you better be checking him for ticks and mosquitoes.

And keep him away from small animals.

And big animals, too.

And Jason and Freddy.

And... and... and the "Halloween" dude that wears the hockey mask.

You know, 'cause in the woods is where they k*ll people.


The gallery opening was the hottest ticket in town this weekend, and FYI, your girl was there representing Team Zoe.


Look at you, Z.


Dipping it and doing it.

Yes, darling, your girl is back on the market.

And while X is off camping with his dad, I am going to be living!

I'm k*lling being single and fabulous.

Oh-ho-ho, good for you.

I'm k*lling being on the bottom of the Internet dating food chain.

Oh, Pearly, it's not that bad, is it?

Here's a little pearl of wisdom for you.

If your date's first words are "Are the tortilla chips free?" yours should be "Get your hand off my ass, you cheap son of a b*tch."

Sorry, Pearly.

I can see why that would put you off of dating.

Oh, put me off of dating? No, hell, no.

I just have to work double time.

You know, I only have five months left 'til my wedding.

And it would not be a good look if you don't have a groom.


But I can't waste any more valuable husband-finding time on these losers.

From now on, I need an "In case of emergency exit if he's not marriage material" plan.

What you need is a better name for your plan.

I have a date with a new guy tonight.

Y'all come with me and be my parachute in case I need to pull a ripcord on a bro.


I would, but I have a date of my own with this artist that I insulted at the gallery opening.

Apparently he thinks criticism is sexy.



Single and fabulous!

both: He ain't ready.






This is dope, right?

Ranger said this is the best spot in the park.

No, he said it was the only spot in the park 'cause you didn't make reservations.

What'd I teach you about that, huh?

Who needs reservations when you tippin' like a baller?


No such thing as a bad spot out here This is God's country.

Smells like a toilet.

Well, God's country Only thing that matters is you, me.

We're chillin'.

And check this out.

The Deluxe Forest Palace.

Holler at your daddy.

Dad, I thought we were gonna live off the land.

Who says the land can't have two bedrooms and a den?




Anybody there?

Beverly, you hear that?





Are you crazy?

You could've gotten yourself k*lled.

What were you gonna do, powder me to death?

You should be so lucky.

This brush cost $150, which would've been a waste if I had to s*ab you with it.

What are you doing here anyway?

I'm trying to decide whether it would be cheaper to rewire the building or f*re b*mb it.

You got good insurance, right?

'Cause if you want, I got a guy who knows a guy who'd do it for real cheap.

What do you have against this building?

I mean, it may not be perfect, but it's got character.


So, that's what's holding it up... character?

I know that you're probably this type of girl...


The type of woman who finds a stray puppy on the street and brings him home because he's so cute and (gibberish) and then (growling)!

att*cks you.

And pees all over your carpet.

Well, this building is peeing on you as we speak.

So, if you don't mind, I'm gonna go check and see what my guys did today.

Oh, I'll tell you what they did.

They left dust everywhere.

They drank up all the coffee, and one of them used the copier to take pictures of his ass.


Oh, wait, that was probably Valente.

Never mind. Point is, it's been so noisy around here during the day, I can barely get any work done.

So, I figured I'd do it now.

Oh, that's good. That's good.

'Cause, you know, for a minute there I thought you were one of these sad, lonely, pathetic, newly divorced "women" who work late and sip white wine from a straw.

Hm, lonely? Me?

Please. I'll have you know I have a date tonight with a world-renown arti...

Zoe: Single and fabulous just turned into single and disastrous.

♪ Zoe ♪
♪ Invisible lover, only I can look and see... ♪

He canceled by text?

Trifling, right?


To catch up on "Game of Thrones."

Who does that?

Well, I did that.

I mean, I called in sick last week to binge watch the fifth season.



You know what?

I need to stop with the truth juice when I'm talking to you.

You sure do.

Oh, oh, okay, okay, okay.

Pearl is signaling for us to leave.

Either that or she wants the threesome.

(chuckling) Robert, it was a pleasure.

Pleasure's mine, my friend.

I bet.

I'll see you guys at the office tomorrow.

Uh, excuse me.

I'll have another margarita with salt, please.

And, uh, how about those ahi tuna rolls.



Isn't Zoe going with you?

Oh, yes. Um, we can split a cab if you pay.

I would, but now I got my tuna rolls coming.

See you tomorrow.

(whispering) Sorry.

No, no, no, no, no.

So, what y'all talking about?

See? This is what camping's all about.

You didn't think your old man could survive in the wilderness, huh?

I still can't believe you got that tent up.

Never underestimate the champ.

Okay, the tent's done.

You think I could get that selfie now?

I really got to go to the bathroom.

Oh, yeah. Hold up.

Right on. (chuckles)

Let me know if you see anybody in line who looks like they know how to fish.

Dad, can we make some s'mores?

S'mores, ooh.

Here's the thing about s'mores.

That takes f*re, which takes wood, which means going into the woods.

And since there's wilderness out there, I'm not gonna be the one to do it. Not your boy.

Well, I'm not going out there. I'm eight.

You know what?

There's plenty of food in this bear-proof container that doesn't need to be cooked.


You know what?

Going to bed hungry, that creates character.

Let's hop inside of these state-of-the-art sleeping bags, huh?

Why is this so tight?

Just lay down and go to sleep.


There you go.

Snug as a bug in a tight-ass sleeping bag.

I have to go to the bathroom.


I got you, buddy.

Too late.

Oh, man! Damn!

I'm gonna h*t the men's room real quick.

Don't you go anywhere.

Oh, I won't.

Excuse me.


Girl, you can leave now. I got this.

I thought you wanted me to be your parachute.

No, did you see him? I'm good.

So, be my balloon and float away.

Girl, you have had 2-1/2 margaritas.

You know how Patrón makes your inner Hulk come out.

You leave Veronica out of this.

She hasn't made an appearance since that 2009 Usher concert.

And I wasn't the only one throwing my panties on the stage.

Yeah, but you were the only one who almost got arrested for groping the churro stand guy.

He smelled like cinnamon!

Maybe Rob and I should have churros at our wedding.

Oh, so you're gonna just marry this guy after 2-1/2 margaritas? Really, Pearl?

I know you want to get married this year, but that doesn't mean you have to act so thirsty around these men!

It's like you're Moses wandering the desert for a drop of water.

I am!

It's dry, Zoe!

I have 143 days left till my wedding at the Plaza, and I refuse to show up alone.

Now, are you with me or against me?

I'm with you.

Okay, relax, I got you.


So... what do you say we get out of here?

Cool, where we going?

Ooh... (chuckling)

Come in, girl.

So, where y'all wanna go now?

I'm ready to get turnt!

Maybe we should call it a night.

Why don't we drop Zoe off first?

What? That's crazy.


I live all the way in Tribeca.

Where do you live, Robert?

I'm in Chelsea on 18th and Sixth.

Oh, perfect, that's just a couple minutes from here.

Okay, so what you wanna do is, you wanna head north on Eighth.

Okay, go past 11th till you get to 14th.

And don't try to take the West Side Highway either, 'cause I know how y'all do.

And they wonder why everybody taking Uber.

Make a right on 18th, go two blocks and bam, you there.

You know what, um, it's a nice night.

Maybe I'll just walk.

Even better. Rob is gonna walk.

Good night.


(car door closes)

Well, that couldn't have gone any worse.

I know, right? I wasn't feeling him either.

But I was, and thanks to you, he's never gonna be feeling me.

See, that's not you.

That's thirsty Veronica talking.

Will you stop it with that?

I told you, I'm good.

But no, you had to stay and completely ruin my night, and what is with you stalking me lately?

Stalking you? Excuse me?

I'm your girl, I care about you.

Since when?

Since when?

Since you threw up all over my "Set it Off" comforter freshman year in college. Oh yeah, girl, I held your hair back and everything.

Where were you three years ago when my apartment flooded?

Where were you when I had that f*re in my bathroom?

Girl, what is going on with your apartment?

Where were you when Fluffy d*ed?

Oh, my God, Fluffy d*ed?

I loved that dog.

He was a cat!

But you wouldn't know about that, would you?

Since you were off in Gemini land.

So, now that you're single, here you come up in my business pretending to be concerned.

But the reality is now that you're alone, you want everyone else to be alone too.

(door closes)

(distant growling)

What was that?

I don't know, but it sounded hungry.

I'm hungry too.

Is that rain?

Oh, man.

God crying on us 'cause this is a sad, sad situation.


I'm sorry, Champ, just wanted this to be something that you could remember.

I'll remember it, all right.

Just like that time Brandon Conrad gave me an atomic wedgie.

Brandon Conrad?

The one with the lisp?


He thought I was looking at his girl, Shana Philpot.

I was.

My man. (laughing)

(sighs) See, this is what I'm talking about.

Sitting around, talking girls.

You know, I never got to do that with my dad.

Now that I won't be living with you full-time, just don't wanna miss this kind of thing like he missed.

I definitely don't want you to miss out like I had to.

Dad, we don't have to go camping to do this.

(thunder crashing)


So, uh, tell me more about this Shana Philpot.

Well, first of all, she's nine.

Oh, a cougar. That's a boy.

So, I hear that Islamabad is a beautiful city.

I mean, I'd love to visit someday.

You know, when the whole w*r, su1c1de b*mb, terror thing slows down.

I wouldn't know, Mrs. Moon.

I'm from Queens.

But, if you will excuse me, I have to get Mr. Kirkland his new oxygen t*nk.

You know how worked up he gets watching "Storage Wars."

Hey, Jessica.

(clears throat) Some weather we're having out there, huh?

It's stormy.

(clearing throat)

So, I saw you in French "Vogue".

Oh, my God.

What, are you stalking me?

What is up with people thinking I'm a stalker? No!

I'm just happy that the whole modeling thing is working for you.

Work, cover girl!


I see what's going on here.

You're just going through a divorce.

You're scared and you're lonely because tonight is just the first of many, many lonely nights that you'll be spending home alone in that big empty loft all by yourself, with no man to keep you warm.

Just the warmth of the television as you watch "Magic Mike" for the 27th time.

Okay, see... (laughing)

Now you talking, "Magic Mike"?

Girls night in! What, let's do this!

Ooh, girl, you might wanna change first, though.

Relax, it's just boobs.

Well, then, what are these?

The reason why you're alone.

So, no "Magic Mike?"

♪ Think I was meant to be alone ♪
♪ Maybe I was made to fly ♪
♪ I can't seem to hold on to love ♪
♪ No matter how hard I try ♪
♪ Mother says son, don't give up ♪
♪ I keep my tears locked up inside ♪
♪ And keep strolling down this lonely road ♪
♪ I live life on the edge ♪
♪ I'm not sure what's gonna happen next ♪
♪ I became a little anti-social ♪
♪ Sometimes I just forget ♪
♪ I seem to get lost in my passion, baby ♪
♪ I forget to call you back ♪
♪ Maybe I'm better off alone ♪

(scoffs) This b*tch.

"What, are you stalking me?"


♪ I got no place I could call home ♪
♪ Hey, ooh ♪

My show.

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

(singing along) ♪ Traveled down the road and back again ♪
♪ Your heart is true ♪
♪ You're a pal and a confidant ♪

♪ And if you threw a party ♪

(TV audio stops)


(phone ringing)

Hey, this is Pearl.

If you're calling to RSVP for my November nuptials, press one.

If you're an eligible bachelor available November 13, text me your picture, a brief bio and a criminal background check.

Pearly, it's me.



Girl, I'm sorry, I...

I'm a terrible friend.

I mean, you're right.

I did disappear on you when I was in Gemini land.

And Miguel was right, too.

I'm a lonely, newly-divorced, white wine drinker.

All I'm missing is the straw.

Mmm, do not tell him I said that.

Honestly, I didn't mean to screw things up with you and Robert.

Although, when he leaned over to kiss you, girl, I did smell a little B.O.

That's not the point.

The point is you were right.

I'm alone.

By myself.

With nobody.

And no more wine.

(intercom melody playing)


Amir, here.

Did you wanna come up and finish our talk about Islamabad?


Best friend.

Yes, girl! Come on, come on up.

(elevator bell dings)

Zoe: The key to being a good friend is patience, forgiveness and wine.

♪ And if you threw a party ♪
♪ Invited everyone we knew... ♪
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