01x05 - Commissioner Bigfish

[bunniefuu]

[Siren wails]

[Up-tempo music playing, indistinct conversations]

Hey.

We know Madame Thatcher's running a call girl ring out of this club, but no one's approached me yet.

Of course no one's approached you.

You look like an Amish accountant.

Aren't you supposed to be undercover as a call girl?

I put on lipstick.

If you want to blend in, you got to prepare.

[Liquid pours]

I got an idea.

Go behind the curtains and put this on.

[Song ends]

[Applause]

Geils, what do I do?

Sing.

Sing? I've never sung a word in my life.

You're gonna blow our cover.

[Sighs]

Do you know "Fruit Salad" in "E" minor?

[Intro plays]

♪ There are so very many men that love me ♪
♪ they treat me like fruit salad in their bowls ♪
♪ they say my melons are round and my grapes are so sweet ♪
♪ my juicy guava makes them lose control ♪
♪ and if you think my Berry's ripe for plucking ♪
♪ I've got a special place down in my grove ♪
♪ a place where you and me can do some... ♪

[Music stops]

♪ ducking out of the storm ♪
♪ I'll lighten your load ♪

Tanner, you there?

Tanner?

I'm right here. [Coughs]

Excuse me. Copy that.

I'm right here. Ah-choo. Excuse me.

You guys seeing anything? Any hookers, johns?

No hookers, one john, but it's clean.

Okay, well, we'll be here waiting on your go.

[Van door closes]

Hey! Thanks, buddy.

[Sighs]

What's this? Turkey wrap?

What part of "meatball sub" says "turkey wrap"?

No... no, you let me worry about my cholesterol, and you worry about getting me a meatball sub.

[Groans]

Sorry. I didn't mean to snap on you.

Uh, I'm in the hangry zone.

[Huffs]

♪ I'll be your cherry ♪
♪ your little peach ♪

Hello, sir.

How would you like to go with me to the Booty Room?

I would like that a lot.

Tribeca, we got something.

They're making a move to the Booty Room.

♪ ...your melon balls ♪

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Let's go. Okay.

Freeze!

This is a bust!

Please don't tell my wife.

[Dance music plays]

I know there's something dirty going on here.

It's just a matter of time.

Hold on, Tribeca. Those two are up to no good.

This is definitely it.

We're moving in. Go, go, go!

Stand down. Repeat... stand down.

Stand down? Why?

Lieutenant just called. He wants you out of there now.

[Sighs] What?

We've been casing this place for two weeks.

I want to know what the hell is going on.

[Officer Dave screaming]

Hey, what the hell happened last night?

Hey, don't blame me. That was the lieutenant.

And watch your language in front of my kid.

Hey, Jesse. How's it going?

You want to take a breathalyzer test?

Don't you think it's a little inappropriate to have an 8-year-old at a police precinct?

Did you not get the memo?

This is "Bring Your Kid to Work" week.

[Children screaming, pounding]

You don't have to do this!

[Feedback]

This is all I need today.

What's the matter, Tribeca? You don't like kids?

Look at this cute face.

Nope, sorry. Not my thing.

Oh, come on!

What?!

What about Hoffman's kid?

[Whimpers]

It's doing nothing for me.

Come on. Let's get some answers from the lieutenant.

Tribeca, call for backup! I'm surrounded by cuteness.

[Laughs]

I need more cops in my precinct!

And the next time you give me excuses about the budget...

I need a Playstation 4 in the living room, and the next time you give me excuses about doing my homework...

Both: I don't want to hear it!

I don't want to hear it!

I don't want to hear it!

I love you, mom.

I love you, Mr. Mayor.

Lieutenant? A word?

Chowder. Anything else?

Feel a little funny talking about stuff in front of your kid.

Ah, good watching out, Tribeca.

Kenny, go tell Sergeant Buckner I said you can have one thing out of the evidence room.

All right, Tribeca, what's got your panties all up in a bunch?

[Sighs] Why'd you pull us out of Thatcher's?

That place was crawling with call girls.

Is there something you're not telling me?

There's tons of stuff I'm not telling you, like I have a twin brother, Eric, who sometimes covers for me at work.

[Clears throat]

What's going on, Lieutenant? Something stinks.

Sorry. It's this damn cabbage diet.

No... Madame Thatcher. Why can't we take her down?

It's not the Madame I'm worried about.

It's Herb Lackbook. [Her black book]

Who's Herb Lackbook?

Herb Lackbook is her accountant, and if we bust Thatcher, Herb will get Hizgoons involved. [His g*ons]

Tommy Hizgoons, the public relations guy?

Exactly. And you know what Lewis Lipsey has. [Loose lips he has]

What does Lewis Lipsey have?

Lewis Lipsey has a duplicate of the client list in case anything happens to Herb.

And let me guess... One of the names on that list is Abeeg Mucky Muck. [A big mucky muck]

No, Abeeg Mucky Muck went back to Bangladesh two years ago, but there is another name on that list I wish I never found out about.

He's an old classmate from the academy.

Maybe he made some bad choices.

Look, I've already told you as much as I can.

Now, let it go, Tribeca!

Letting go is not in my DNA.

However, there is a little Irish, a little German, left-handedness, and early-onset dementia.

There's also a little Irish and a little German.

Did you want to see me, sir?

Geils.

I need you to do something unusual for me.

How about this?

Apparently, there's someone important on Thatcher's client list that the lieutenant doesn't want to expose.

He told me to let it go.

Let it go? You don't let anything go.

You've had a dead goldfish on your desk for two years.

He's sleeping.

If we're gonna catch this guy, we need to find out where Thatcher's girls take their clients, and that means you going undercover as a john.

John Geils... I like it.

Great. Let's go.

Hold on.

There you go, Tommy.

♪

[Mid-tempo music plays]

[Indistinct conversations]

May I sit here?

I don't know. May you?

I'm in town for the Rich Lonely Businessman's Conference.

Oh, the RLBC. I've heard of it.

What can a lonely guy with lots of money and loose morals do for fun in this town?

Well, what do you think about...

I do like whispering, but what I was really looking for is someone who would trade companionship for money.

I would provide the money.

I might be able to help you.

How much and where?

For the first hour, you...

Oh. Wait. We're not supposed to talk here.

Come with me.

That takes about 35 minutes, and you'll get to keep the flashlight.

All: Shh!

We can't talk here.

Once they're in, the chocolate forms a kind of candy shell.

All: Shh!

We can't talk here, either.

[Men chanting]

Are you sure it's okay to talk here?

There's lots of cops.

No, no, it's cool. They're my brother's friends.

All right, it's $500 for the first hour.

There's a hotel down the street from the club called the "All the Way Inn".

Tell the concierge you're there to pay for sex.

She'll know what that means.

All right, great. Thanks, Stacy.

I've changed my mind about paying for sex.

But on the upside, I'm a cop, and you're under arrest.

I can't believe I spent a whole montage with you.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

Thanks for letting my cousin hang out.

I never know what to do when he visits.

Hey, Paul?

Can you go grab a froyo? 'Cause we gotta work now.

[Music stops]

That thing's old and expensive. He's just knocking it around.

He's used to it.

This is the place where Thatcher's girls work.

We'll snap a picture of anyone who goes in and out and hopefully catch us the big fish.

Oh, here comes someone now.

[Door closes]

Smile!

[Camera shutter clicks]

We'll get you some prints by Thursday.

Pretty great seeing everyone at the station today with their kids, huh?

[Scoffs]

Oh, come on.

Don't you want someone to shower with your love and affection?

Someone to carry on your legacy?

I mean, this might sound old-fashioned, but "forsooth, I doth longeth" for robust and healthy brood of mine own."

I don't know.

Everyone says you're supposed to have kids, but to me, it just sounds like a huge pain in the ass.

Kids screaming, pooping everywhere, throwing their poop, picking bugs out of their fur, swinging from tree to tree.

I think you're thinking of chimpanzees.

They're all the same.

Holy smokes.

The police commissioner just came out of the hotel.

Oh, my god.

He'd be so embarrassed if he knew he was staying at a hotel frequented by...

What?!

The big fish is Commissioner Niles J. Bigfish.

What a scandal... not to mention the shame he's brought on his Native American heritage.

♪♪

People start pollution.

People can stop it.

Wow. That's an old reference.

Call forensics. I want them in that hotel room.

[Hispanic accent] I finish.

[Clears throat] [Normal voice ] I'm sorry. I'm finished.

Oh, great. Uh, can we get a couple extra conditioners?

Thanks.

Damn it. It's clean.

Nothing? Prints, fibers, hairs?

No, not yet, but let's see what Mr. black light has to say.

This will illuminate any organic substance left in the room.

Wow. That's a lot of organic substance.

Geils, come and take a look at this.

What do we got?

What are you guys looking at?

♪

[Whimpers]

Ugh!

[Grunts]

What is up with you and kids?

I don't know... maybe it's that kids constantly remind me that I'm never gonna meet anyone.

[Telephone rings] [Sighs]

Tribeca.

Yeah. Great.

Geils, let's go. Scholls came up with something.

Right behind ya.

[English accent] One lump or two, Mr. Muggles?

Cheers.

Girls: Cheers!

What do you got, Scholls?

I got a real bombshell for you guys.

I believe it's from World w*r II.

Cool. I read a lot about these.

Huh. Guess it's a dud.

Hand me a hammer, would ya?

[Hollow clank]

Oh, well.

[expl*si*n]

Take a look at this sperm sample from the hotel.

[All shouting]

Hmm.

Did you get a match on that?

Well, that's where things get really interesting.

Did you know that all county employees submit a DNA sample to differentiate themselves from criminals at crime scenes?

Wow. How'd you know that? You're really good at your job.

I wish we could spend time together, just us.

Anyway, I cross-checked it with the database.

Guess what I came up with.

Commissioner Niles J. Bigfish.

That's right, but that's not all.

We also...

Oh, no. That's all.

Lieutenant, we've got the commissioner on the scene.

We have enough sperm to gel the hair of the entire Italian army.

That's a ton of sperm.

Let's take down Bigfish and Madame Thatcher's whole operation.

You don't understand! I owe Bigfish everything.

[Funky music plays]

One more quick one, Jimmy! One more!

This is clearly unsafe!

Make sure you get the g*ns.

Move! Move!

This thing's going South quick!

I don't know if we're gonna get out of here!

Of course we will!

'Cause I got your back, and you got mine!

Right, partner?

Always!

[Tires screech]

Atkins! Get down!

[g*nsh*t]

Bigfish!

[Tires squeal]

[Groans] Bigfish.

So... cold.

This bag of ice isn't doing you any favors.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe we don't make it out this time.

Don't say that!

Remember what you always said eight seconds ago?

I got your back, and you got mine. Right, partner?

Promise? I promise.

I promise.

I promise!

You... promise what?

You said you owed Bigfish everything and then went quiet for 30 seconds.

He saved my life.

I promised I'd always have his back, and I can't be a friend if I break that promise.

But I can't be a cop if I don't uphold the law!

I'm very conflicted right now. It's a moral dilemma.

This is my vulnerable side.

I'm gonna stare at my locket.

I suggest you back out slowly.

Faster than that.

Just because the lieutenant's out doesn't mean I am.

Let's go. Where we going?

To catch a big fish.

And to catch a big fish, you need the right bait.

♪

All right, I'm ready.

What are you doing?

I'm the bait for the commissioner.

Reel him in and bust him.

I thought I would handle that.

Oh. Yeah. Okay.

I'll just go hang in the van.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I was gonna wear this anyway. Laundry day.

[Door closes]

[Door closes]

Well, well.

Aren't you a tall drink of water.

Mmm. That's better.

And now to satisfy my crude physical needs.

Hi. I'm Niles. What's your name?

I'm Angie. That's funny.

There's a detective in one of our precincts named Angie... looks a lot like you.

Do you have a sister?

Why would we both be named Angie?

[Laughs] You're sweet.

I'm gonna get undressed now.

Here's the deal... It's been a long, hard day.

And baby wants baba.

Pardon me?

Oh, are you a new girl?

I have an adult baby fetish.

I'm gonna act like a baby. You're gonna act like my mommy.

You don't want to have sex with me?

Eww! Yucky!

Baby want baba.

I'm not sure that's illegal.

Oh, trust me... Once I pay you, it's illegal.

Well, then, can I have some mo-ney?

[Chuckles]

Babies don't have money, silly mommy.

Baby made a whoopsie.

I'm really gonna need to see that money first.

No.

First, change diapey.

[Imitates baby crying]

All right, all right.

Do you have a diaper bag or something?

[Whistles] [Sighs]

[Grunts]

[Imitates baby crying]

Okay, stop squirming!

[Giggles]

Oh. Looks like there's no whoopsie.

Just a pee-pee.

Up you go. [Coos]

Ooh.

[Coos]

[Sighs]

[Sighs] Okay.

There's your fresh diaper. Now show me some cash.

Baba.

I've had enough of this sh*t!

Commissioner Bigfish, you're under arrest for...

Whatever the hell this is.

There's not a jury in the world that would convict a baby.

I'll take my chances.

Ugh! Geils! He's on the run!

I don't see him.

The only person out here is a large baby running down the street.

Yeah, that's him! Take that baby down!

Hey! Stop right there, sweetie!

What are you gonna do... sh**t me with that, little guy?

You gonna sh**t...

Aaaaaah!

[Exhales sharply]

[Baby giggling]

[Babies crying]

You're a disgrace to the U.S. Navy!

Aha!

[Grunts]

Ungh!

Whoa.

Easy there, Commissioner. You don't have to do this.

You got your whole life ahead of you.

Sorry about this, Detective Geils, but if word were to get out, I'd be ruined as police commissioner.

[Grunts]

If there's two things I love, it's serving the city...

And wearing pajamas with snaps at the bottom.

Woman: That cross-dresser's attacking that baby!

I'm a cop! [Grunts]

Ugh! [Toy squeaks]

[Grunts]

No! No! No!

Shh, shh. Shh. No! No!

[Snores]

[Keys jingling] Hey, buddy.

Come on. You like these keys? You like these shiny keys?

You want 'em? Come here. Take 'em. It's okay.

Want the keys? Here. Look at that!

Well done, Geils. Stand him up.

Atkins, we made a promise!

Sorry, Bigfish, but we also made another promise...

To preserve and uphold the law, and you broke that promise.

[Crying] I know. I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's okay.

These nice policemen are gonna take you down to the precinct, and they're gonna book you.

Doesn't that sound fun? Yeah.

Okay. [Chuckling] Okay.

I'm so embarrassed. He's just tired.

It's okay. He'll sleep in the car.

♪

I guess we're clear to take down Madame Thatcher.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Do you think he's buckled in okay?

Yes. We checked and double-checked. Relax.

I really hope he makes friends in jail.

He'll be fine.

Is someone here thinking about kids?

What?! Pssh!

They sure are cute when they sleep, though.

Well, we're here.

Why don't we just go around the block a couple more times?

[Sighs]

["Rock-a-bye baby" plays]

Ohhh! Ohhh!

[Vomits]