01x12 - Baby Model

[bunniefuu]

Hey, everyone. Edie, hop to it.

Oh, everybody, I'm trying this new thing where I leave my car running so I don't get caught up in all your mishegas, so...

Vanessa: Edie, you'll spend the day with Jimmy so we can build your new bedroom set!

All right, come on, pork chop, let's go. (whistles)

Oh. Uh, can we talk about where you're taking Edie?

Gerald, I just told you about the running car thing.

I was hoping you could maybe take her to the Pasadena Museum of Science & Technology?

(car key remote beeps)

That sounds so boring.

He's obsessed with having her around smart stuff all the time.

It's like, come on. Let her just be a kid.

Sometimes a baby just wants to watch Bachelor in Paradise.

Oh, what about that Josh, huh? He's trouble. (laughs)

I don't watch the show. I... I just am guessing.

Jimmy: All right, Edie, I'll take you to the museum.

I'll teach you some really important things like how to get through a boring museum in a half hour.

You start at the gift shop, then go straight to the exit.

(blows raspberry) Come on.

Here, I'm gonna put these on your hand.

There you go.

Now I'll hold on to you so you don't float away.

And then I'll hold on to this trash can just in case. See?

Yeah. All right, should we try it? Ready?

Should I let go?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Should I let go of this?

Yeah.

There we go. You didn't float away.

Now you tell your dad you learned something about science.

It's called gravity.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to bother you, but my name is Leslie, and I'm a modeling scout from Apex Models.

Oh. Thank you.

I'm very flattered. Hair or skin?

(laughs) I was actually interested in this little lady.

Oh. Uh, this is my granddaughter Edie.

Say hi, Edie.

Hi, Edie.

Oh, you don't say "Edie." You say... What's your name?

Leslie.

Leslie. Say, "Hi, Leslie."

Hi, Leslie.

Hi, Leslie.

Hi, sweetheart. Has she modeled before?

Jimmy: No, but she has expressed interest.

She's very comfortable with her body.

She's naked most of the day.

Well, here you go.

This Thursday, we are having an audition for a new toddler food campaign, and you should bring her by.

Bye, sweetie.

You hear that, Edie?

You're gonna be a model.

Your life is gonna be so much better now.

Hey, everybody. I've got exciting news.

We don't have to pay for parking at work?

Stop trying to guess. No.

Edie here is gonna be a model!

Edie!

(excited chatter)

That is awesome.

Congrats. (laughs)

Um, you're welcome. Whatever.

Come here, boss. I actually got some great news for you, too.

You know Jess, our new prep cook? She's got a little crush.

Well, tell her I'm flattered, but I date nothing but sous chefs and above.

No, no, she likes Annelise.

Oh.

Yeah. Now I want to date her.

I wonder what that says about me.

Ravi: You know, this is really gonna spice things up around here, 'cause this place has been boring.

Most interesting thing that happened here was when that bread shipment was late.

Yeah, what was that? It was, like, a half hour late.

We do okay here. Victor, what about that, uh, oven technician you were dating?

Ah. Agnieska was only dating me for a green card.

Then she found out I don't have a green card.

I don't want to hear that.

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la. ♪

Annelise? Annelise? Hey!

Hey, so any, uh, ladies in your life lately?

This conversation is not happening.

I told you I don't mix work and pleasure.

Why not? I tell you everything.

Every time I sleep with a new girl, you're the first person I text. I wish I wasn't.

Annelise, this girl is perfect for you.

Because she likes me and she's gay?

I can tell the answer for that is supposed to be no.

Gonna take five.

Wow. She's actually pretty good-looking.

You were trying to set us up before you knew that?

All right, come on. This is not a dating service.

Get back to work, everyone.

If you do hook up with her, text me.

Oh.

Again!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're a model now. No crème brûlee for you.

CJ, chop her up some celery, huh?

Yeah. Ah.

Ugh. Whoa. Now I know why they call them museum legs.

How was it?

Oh, it was great.

It was so... interactive.

Did she play with the reactor?

Oh, she loved it, yeah, yeah.

She got inside, and she spun around, and she felt the... static, and...

(sighs) I didn't go. I wanted to go.

I did, but something amazing happened.

Something that's gonna change all of our lives forever.

You bought us a new house?

No. Oh, God, is that a thing you're waiting for me to do?

No. A modeling scout discovered Edie and wants her to audition for a big ad campaign.

Well, it's too bad modeling is just such a wasteland of a career path.

Otherwise, it could be fun. It's a nice compliment though.

Vanessa, can Edie model?

Sorry. What did I just say? Am I a ghost?

I'm with Gerald. No way.

Sara, can Edie model?

I agree with them.

I don't think it's a good idea.

Aah!

When I was little, my mom would enter me in the Princess Blueberry pageant every year.

I still get chills thinking about it.

I once saw a mom bite another mom in the face.

Gerald: I can't believe you want your granddaughter to be a model.

Am I missing something here?

When did modeling become a negative?

Huh? Edie is pretty, and they want to give her money for it.

Why would you stand in the way of that?

Did anyone try to stop Neil Armstrong from going into space?

Did they try to stop Martin Luther King Jr. from bringing racial equality to this great country that I call America?

Yes. A lot of people tried to stop him.

You should really see Selma.

Aah.

Jimmy? Jimmy, wait!

Make just like we're fighting in case Gerald's watching.

I'm on your side.

Let's do this.

So what you're saying is, you'd go behind Gerald... you would go behind Gerald's back, and-and we'll take her to the audition?

I'm down if you're down.

I'm so down, I'm underground.

Great!

Ow!

I had to sell it.

He's not even watching.

(laughs) Let's do it.

(mock laughs)

Hey, we're doing the right thing here, aren't we?

Of course. Who has better judgment than us?

That's a really smart point. I have good ideas all the time, and Sara and Gerald sh**t 'em down.

Mm-hmm.

Before you came along, this whole modeling thing would have been dead in the water.

Well, I say it a lot, but thank God I'm here.

(gasps) Ooh!

That's the Scoochers Diapers baby.

She's in everything.

Jimmy: Her?

Yeah. She's nowhere near as cute as Edie.

Oh, she's got, like, a Steve Buscemi thing going.

Maybe she's, like, a character model.

Woman: Puff it out, suck it in.

Puff it out, suck it in.

Then we smile.

You see that? You don't want to be like that, okay?

You got to act like you don't care.

What do Kate Moss, Janice, uh, Naomi have in common?

They've all been on a boat?

No. No. They-they have attitude.

They don't care.

I don't care.

Yeah, like that.

Like, uh, who cares?

Edie Kingsley?

One sec, Les.

Edie, do you even want to do this thing?

Mm. Eh, we're here. We might as well. Okay.

Edie, do you want to be the face of Fuzzy Fruit?

Jimmy: Oh, she doesn't want to model.

She-she has to model. It's what she does.

All right, kid. Edie, be-be careful.

(laughs)

(whispers): I like her.

Okay.

Uh, we don't usually do this, but we have seen a hundred kids today, and, well, we love Edie.

She's our girl!

Here's all the info for tomorrow.

I'm so excited!

Vanessa: Oh, really?

(chuckles): 'Cause I'm just whatever about it.

Yeah. It's... it's a major modeling gig.

(scoffs)

Thanks a mil.

Peace.

(chuckles)

(both scream, laugh)

Edie, you were awesome!

Oh, my God. What are we gonna tell Gerald?

Nothing. He's never gonna see a print ad in Natural Mother magazine.

True. He stopped reading magazines 'cause they're bad for trees.

Weirdo.

You just got to laugh.

I don't.

Hey. Hey, hey.

Taste this.

Ugh! What is that?

It's my patented love potion. It's an aphrodisiac in a glass.

It tastes like you put a bunch of oysters in a blender.

Yeah, that's exactly what I just said.

(laughs) Is it working?

Ugh.

Sorry about all this.

It's so awkward.

Yeah, that's why I like the workplace to just be for work.

But, on the other hand, you know, I'm glad that you know, 'cause I would feel like a tool if I didn't at least try.

Which I guess I'm doing right now.

Badly.

Okay, fine.

Here's the deal.

I'm not looking for anything serious.

Work comes first, always.

And I definitely don't do drama.

Ditto.

Give me your phone.

Ooh, the love potion strikes again.

It's getting sexier in here already.

(sighs): Ah.

I can't tell if I'm hornier or just as horny.

Time for the photo sh**t. Ooh.

Who wants to be a star?

I don't care.

No, no, we're done with the "don't care" thing.

Now... I don't care.

Now all you do is care.

Right?

Nope. I don't care.

You attitude concerns me.

Hey, guys.

I don't care.

Crap.

Hey, uh, you're home early. (chuckles)

Nice to see you, too.

We got to get going.

Uh, since when do you two hang out together so much?

Oh, my God, are you two...

Ew, no.

No, we're not...

Why "ew"? You'd have a good time.

No, we're just, uh, we're honoring Gerald's wishes to surround Edie with some culture.

There's a lecture on art, uh, at the cultural... uh... (engine starts) emporium.

Uh, well, time to push off.

Bye, Grandma. Bye-bye. (laughs)

(crying)

Come on Edie, smile. Come on, just do it.

She did it. Did you get that?

No? Okay, that's on you.

(mouths)

(crying)

I'd be crying too if I was forced to eat that garbage.

But it's not that bad.

(grunts)

No, no!

Puff it out, suck it in. Puff it out, suck it in.

Puff it out, and smile.

(screaming)

It's okay, it's okay.

Man: You're in the sh*t.

I'm sorry, Ethan.

We should've just gone with the Scoochers Baby.

Even though she's a little bit...

Unbelievable.

(gasps) How did you find us?

I found this printout with all the info on my kitchen counter.

Oh, you're good.

Now I wish you were just sleeping together. Honey.

I'm so sorry, sweetie, about these two.

I guess I can make that work. Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry, would you ever consider being the mom in this photo sh**t?

Really?

Yes, you're perfect.

Have you ever modeled before?

(chuckles): Oh, I was a bit of a pageant queen.

Sixth place, Princess Blueberry...

Yeah, that's good. Let's go. (chuckles)

Vanessa? Edie?

Love that. Feel it. Look here.

Look at the bunny rabbit, both of you.

Both of you. Teeth.

Give me coy. Give me coy.

Mm-hmm. Oh, perfect.

Glow. I need you to glow for me.

(phone chimes)

You're making this look easy.

(gasps) Ooh.

Oh, no, Gerald's trying to video chat me. What do I do?

Tell him you're in the park.

But I'm not at the park.

What am I... (gasps)

Oh. (chuckles)

I'll just pretend that's real. Okay, okay.

Hey, G.

Hey, where are you guys?

We're at the park, man.

Open your eyes.

Uh... Is that lightning?

Looks like there's a storm.

Got to go, bye.

But, uh...

(kissing)

Oh, I hope didn't improvise too much.

You can always reel me in, but, no, I will go there.

All right, take it easy, Iman.

So when will Edie's ad be in the magazine?

Next month.

But the billboard goes up tomorrow.

Billboard? What billboard?

The one on Sunset.

I bet your daddy is gonna be so proud.

Oh, God, is her daddy dead?

I keep doing that.

Oh...

This sucks. Gerald's gonna see the billboard.

He takes Sunset on his way to the community garden.

I can't believe you two idiots roped me into this.

Please. You were practically unbuttoning your shirt for that photographer.

Well, the vibe he created on set makes you really willing to go there, you know?

Go where?

Okay, This is what we're gonna do.

We are going to convince Gerald that modeling is good for Edie.

There must be a study somewhere that it helps with posture or some crap.

But we already did the photo sh**t.

And the billboard's up tomorrow.

We can just say that Edie got the gig after he gave us his blessing.

That's the dopiest idea I've ever heard.

Let's try it.

And wash off all that makeup before you see Gerald.

Oh, but I won't remember how they did it.

I got you.

Oh.

"Good things about being a baby model."

Nothing? Maybe I didn't ask it right.

Full house tonight, everyone. Get off your butts.

Wait, wait, wait.

Didn't you go out with Jess last night? How was it?

It was good.

Tell us more.

It was good.

(laughs): Ooh, yeah!

Oh. I don't know why I got that happy.

So you think she's definitely not into me?

Nope.

That's weird.

So what else can you tell us?

Nothing. This isn't your personal soap opera.

I already said too much, and Jess is gonna be here soon.

No, she actually called in sick.

Really?

Hmm.

All right, everyone, back to work.

She called in sick?

Really? She didn't seem sick when I saw her.

I don't know, she just said she was sick.

Hmm. Hmm.

Who talked to her? Did she sound sick?

Do you think she's avoiding me?

Annelise, are you okay?

At the end of the night, I teased her a little about her duct tape wallet.

Do you think I offended her? Why did I say that?

I should text her that I like her wallet, right?

Mm-mm. No.

Who pretends to be sick because of some light teasing on an otherwise amazing date?

What an oversensitive bitch!

Ugh! I hate drama!

Sexy has gone in new direction.

And I am loving it.

(quietly): Sara? Sara.

Uh, wow, has anyone noticed that pretty girl in the bar?

She seems very happy.

Maybe she's a model.

Mm. Yeah, maybe.

You know, speaking of models, remember when we were talking about Edie modeling?

Sara: Uh-huh.

It could be a good idea.

Funny you should say that, Vanessa.

I was listening to NPR today, and apparently there's a new study out that proves praising a girl's physical appearance actually improves her self-esteem and therefore adult earning potential.

Yeah, I heard that-that same show. It was a 3:00 show, right?

Yes, that's the very show.

Yeah. And, you know, Sara, if I've said it once, I've said it a million times: any new experience is a good experience for a child.

Yup.

What's going on?

Why are we talking about modeling?

Oh, please don't tell me you called that modeling agent that-that asked about Edie.

Mom? Dad?

No.

Vanessa?

You really want to lie to me?

'Cause I would never lie to you.

I would never break this amazing trust we have between us.

Oh, my God!

We took Edie on an audition.

But the good news is that she booked it and she's on a huge billboard with your mom.

Yay!

Mom.

Behind my back?

To be fair, I was not part of the initial plan, and I tried very hard to stop it.

But then I was roped in through vanity.

You know, it's one thing for you to ignore me when I ask you to take her to the science fair or-or the museum.

That I can handle.

But this is too far.

Why is this such a big deal?

Because I don't want Edie to feel judged by her looks.

You know, I-I grew up chubby and I was made to feel like a loser because of it, right?

You know, I never got picked for any sports teams, and I didn't have a date to the dance, and in-in the school play, I was cast as Shrub Number Four because they said it fit my body type.

You should've been Shrub Number One, 'cause that kid sucked.

Yeah. And that was as a guy, okay?

It's gonna be way harder for Edie not to feel like her entire self-worth is just wrapped up in what everyone else thinks.

Gerald, I know you had a hard time as a kid, but that doesn't mean Edie will.

I mean, sure, there's winners and losers, but...

Edie's a winner.

What are you trying to say?

What was I?

Well, you weren't saying that you were...

What was the point of the Tree Number Four story?

Just show me Edie's billboard, all right?

Let's go.

Oh, no.

Jess has been M.I.A. for two days.

Think, people. Be part of the solution, not the problem.

I don't know. Uh, I think if Jess says she's sick, she must be sick.

Oh, because lying doesn't exist?

Go back to work. You're useless.

What you got for me, Cindy?

Well, I called her a little while ago, and she sounded sick to me.

You called her? Why did you hide that from me?

Is something going on between you two?

No.

Are you bisexual?

Yes.

What?!

Is this what you wanted?

I can't tell.

It's riding the line between interesting and terrifying.

Okay, you know what, I didn't want it to come to this, but who thinks I should send her flowers?

No one?

Others: Mm-mm.

Okay.

Hi. This is Annelise.

Mm-hmm. I need to cancel a delivery of flowers.

Well, call the driver and tell him to turn around!

Sara: What the hell?

They edited my face into another face!

It's not about you right now.

If I'm being honest...

I love this. My baby's a model!

Aw. So cute. I mean, I always think she's cute, but she's even cuter ten feet tall.

All the more cheek to pinch.

Oh, God, I sound so shallow. I sound like Jimmy.

Oh. N-No offense, Jimmy.

My body looks nice.

Gerald: I mean, you know, I guess if Edie had fun, we can do it a little longer, right?

Yeah?

Good, 'cause we already said yes to an audition tomorrow for Whammy Jammy pajamas.

Gerald, welcome to the shallow end.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, I'm-I'm really sorry, okay?

Clearly, I started something I shouldn't have.

It's fine. I'm fine.

Good. Where you going?

Just going to...

Jimmy's restaurant.

Damn it.

Guys, get in the car! She's doing something crazy!

Cj: Come on, let's go!

(engine starts)

Where are we going?

Victor: I'm in.

Jess's house, to see if she's really sick.

Time to call that girl on what she really is: pot-stirring drama queen.

Victor: Ooh, I love road trips!

Ooh, put on Adele.

I feel like this is my fault. I wanted things sexy and dramatic, and it worked out perfectly, so...

I guess I'm pretty proud of myself.

Nope, not your fault.

This is just who I am in relationships.

Annelise, you are better than this.

Yeah. You should be confident.

You're smart, you're hardworking.

And beautiful.

And... funny.

You're the complete package, so why are you acting so insecure?

(engine stops)

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

Let's unpack it.

Well, I came out of the closet kind of late in life.

Mm-hmm.

And then I went back in for a couple of years.

Mm-hmm.

And then I came back out again.

But then Jimmy hired me, and that took over my life.

I haven't had time to date.

Yeah. So you don't have much experience.

But you'll get the hang of it.

I never did. But you, you-you might.

Yeah. You just need to take it slow.

Yeah.

That's why I always have at least three lovers at one given time.

What?

So many lovers and no room for Victor?

Yeah. You guys are right.

I just need to chill.

Yeah.

Sounds like we don't need to go to Jess's house, huh?

We're already here.

Victor: Wow, she has a great commute.

Let's get out of here.

Thanks, guys.

(door opens)

Uh-oh.

You lying slut!

I bought you two vanilla martinis and an entrée salad, and this is how you repay me?!

And don't even bother coming back into work tomorrow, because you are fired!

Unless that's illegal for me to do. Then I'll see you at 9:00.

(engine starts)

Have fun, Edie.

Uh, I mean, we want you to book it, but have fun.

Oh, Whammy Jammies.

That's us.

Uh... you guys go ahead. I'm gonna use the restroom.

Okay.

Hey, man.

You, you, you and you.

The rest of you can go.

Uh, go where? Where do we go?

I don't care.

Am I too obvious a choice?

You going for more of a Buscemi thing?

No, you're just all wrong.

Oh.

All right, w-well, thank you for your consideration.

I never considered you.

I never considered you.

Is that, uh, Edie's competition?

She's nowhere near as cute as Edie.

(chuckles) I love that you're getting into this.

Yeah.

Kind of like the idea of Edie being better than other babies.

Tell me about it.

You're better.

You're better.

Modeling is stupid.

I don't want my granddaughter being judged.

Since when?

Since Brad Goreski hurt my feelings.

This is a cruel, cruel world.

Yes, you heard me, parents.

I don't want Edie to feel like her entire self-worth is wrapped up into what other people think of her.

You realize I said that exact thing, right?

What'd you say?

Those words.

So we're on the same side.

Sure.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Let's do something good for Edie.

Yes. Finally! We can take her to the...

Bachelor in Paradise? More like Vanessa in Paradise.

This is the best season ever.

(chuckles)

Josh, call me. I'm waiting.

And I'm a model.

I'll take you to the museum tomorrow.

Oh, don't pick her!

Come on! Pick her.

Mm, I knew he was gonna pick her.

Don't get in the hot tub.