01x02 - Xtabai

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad Dogs". Aired: January 15, 2015.
A group of underachieving 40-something guys travel to Belize to see an old friend, when things take an unexpectedly dark turn.
Watch Mad Dogs [HD] on Amazon Instant Video.
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01x02 - Xtabai

Post by bunniefuu »

Bring us that boat.

Girl: Happy birthday, Dad.

Girl 2: Happy birthday. We love you.

Open your mouth.

Milo: I love you, bro.

But you are a loser.

[whispers]: Hey, shoo, go on, get! Go on, scram.

Cobi: The Cat said we had 24 hours to return the boat.

What time, exactly, did he say that?


Okay, I'll just ballpark it.

We should go.

Hold on.

He deserves more dignity than this.

We'll give it to him, we just got to return the boat first, okay?

Get the camera you forgot.

And get the camera that I forgot.

I'm just saying it would have been really convenient Yeah, Christ's sake.

If you hadn't forgotten it.



Found it!

I'll try and get the boat started.


Gus: Come on, guys, let's get the hell out of here.

Joel: Need any help?

Do you know anything about boats you didn't know yesterday?

Hey. Hey, why you got to throw shit into the water?

Gus: Because our fingerprints are all over them.

Lex: Uh, oceans aren't polluted enough?

Gus: Okay, how about we just turn ourselves in to the police?

Would that be environmentally responsible enough?

Joel: Let's wipe everything down.


[engine cranks]

[engine starts]



Yeah! [Whooping]

Yeah, Lex!


Lex: What's that?

Gus: What?


[motor runs in the distance]

[Swedish accent]: This was not the meeting place.

Cobi: I'm sorry, can we help you?

Man: Seahorse?

This is the boat, yes?

There is a problem?

Not with us.


No, n-n-n-no, no, there-there's no problem.

Woman [Swedish accent]: So you're ready?

We're ready.

[drill whirs]


[drill whirs]

Swedish man: It's all here?

It's all there.

[speaking foreign language]

Why touch it?

I'm helping.


He's not... he's not gonna touch it anymore.

Who are you?

[g*n cocks]

Who are you?

Look, we're the guys Jesús sent with the dr*gs.

You got a problem with the way we do it, take it up with him.

Swedish man: Give it to me.


This payment doesn't get to Jesús, it's on you.

Sounds fair.

[cell phone chimes]

Whose cell phone is that?


You bring a cell phone to a drop?

You want cops to track us?

[engine stops]

You put my wife in danger.

[motorboat engine purrs]

[boat departs]

Lex: What just...?

Was Milo...?

Cobi: Okay.

Holy shit.

It's euros.

Okay, well, we still got time.

We can do this, okay?

Give me your cell phones.

Come on, give me your cell phones. Quick.

What are you doing?!

You want the cops to track us here?

Do you want her to catch us with this money?

Well, you could have asked us before just tossing them into the Atlantic.


They can still trace it when it's underwater, can't they?

Not in salt water!


He took out a fuse.

Joel: What do we do with this money?

Cobi: We return it along with the boat to Jesús, obviously.

Hey, I can't start the boat without a fuse.

Then we'll get another fuse!

Yeah, and in the meantime, what do we do with the cash?

Uh, we'll leave somebody here with it.

Oh, that sounds real safe.

Well, what's your idea, then, huh?

[panting, grunting]

Whoa. Dude.

Why the f*ck were you running?

I was running 'cause you were running.

I was running 'cause you were f*cking running.

What? Did you see anything?

Joel: Are you f*cking kidding?



What are you doing?

I'm counting the money.

We should have left it on the boat.

Should have left it on the f*cking boat.

Why-why-why did we take it? Are we f*cking insane?!

Joel: We had to take the money, Lex, okay?

It's okay, we'll fix it.

We'll fix it, we'll figure it out, okay?

It's all right.

Gus: Five...

And a half million.

Joel: Which is what?

$7 million.

That's change-your-life money.

That's drug money.

Yeah, but it's...

That's get-yourself-k*lled money.

Cobi: This kind of money?

You could just disappear.

Just, like, buy a boat and just sail off anywhere.

Lex: Like where?

Where are you gonna sail to from here?

I don't know.


Did he know?

Did Milo f*cking know what was on the boat?

Let's pack it up.


[goats bleating]

Someone else needs to carry that bag.

Well, I hurt... I hurt my shoulder hauling it over those rocks back there.

Oh, it's pretty painful, huh?

You know I tore my rotator cuff.

Gus: In the '90s.

Playing intramural softball.

Cobi: Yeah, well, it flares up whenever I tweak it, which I f*cking did.

Lex: Okay.

So, what now?

I have a plan.

Just let me think a minute.

Did you not just hear me say "I have a plan"?

Two of us stay here with the cash, the other two guys hike back to the villa, get Milo's car, come back, pick up the cash and the other two guys.

We return the boat, but keep the bag.

Now, we cannot bring that money back to the villa, knowing that we got cats and cops and whatever the f*ck else snooping around.

So we rent a car, stash the money in the car, park the car in a safe place, take our asses home.

Mail the keys back to this... Jesús dude, so he doesn't come looking for us.

It's not bad.


Lex and I will stay with the cash, you guys go get the car.

What, I hike five miles through the jungle while you sit in the shade?

Yeah, well, you're not in pain.

Look, anybody's hiking back for sure, it's Lex.

What? I've been carrying this money more than anyone.

Why am I hiking back?

Gus: Cobi.


Where's the villa?

Which way?


Oh, so-so I'm punished for having a sense of direction?

Well, I'm the money guy.

I should stay with the money.

Why? That doesn't even make any sense.

Well, for one thing, I'm used to being around a lot of cash.

It doesn't intimidate me.

Well, trust me, I'm not intimidated.

Gus: No, you know what?

Joel is staying here with me.

Cobi: Why?

Because we wouldn't be here if you hadn't left the camera on the damn boat.

Yeah, keep bringing it up, assh*le.

Besides, who said you get to decide anyway?

It's my plan.

Yeah, but you're not in charge!


Vote on it.

Who here thinks that Cobi should be the one to go back with Lex?

Who here thinks that Gus should go back... that Gus should go back with Lex?

What's your vote?

I abstain.

You can't abstain!

That's the same as a vote against me.

Okay, whatever. Come on, let's get this over with.

So let's go.

Hey, Lex, you know what?

Going by yourself, you can move faster, You... it's more stealthy...

I'm not going alone.

g*dd*mn it!

Lex: Let's go.

Bring back water.

Sparkling or flat?

[intercom buzzing]

You see how Cobi lied to them about us working for Jesús?

Saved our asses.

Yeah, but did you notice how good he was at it?

Meaning what?

Just... nothing.

It just came very naturally to him.

That's all.

Lex: What the... f*ck?

You think they bite?

I don't know, I never met one before.


Well, should we just run past it?

What if it runs after us?

I don't know, how fast do they run?

Cobi: Here, hold on.

Lex: What if it's poisonous?

Okay. Okay, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna, like...

I'm gonna get this and I'm gonna pull it, like, right over.

You just, like, scurry around and...

No, no, no.

You go scurry around.

I'll, like, distract it.

You go first, you got the stick.

f*ck it, let's go find another trail.



You cool with the way Gus is giving orders?

I mean, don't you find it strange that one day, he's, like, a lawyer with some big law firm and the next, he's selling antiques out of his living room?

His firm was restructured and he wanted to get out of the rat race.

That's what he told us, but a few months ago, I looked it up.

His firm was under investigation and he got disbarred.

For what?

I don't know.

I'm just saying.

That's the guy calling the sh*ts.

Yeah, well, trust me.

I know what Gus is capable of.

It's this way.

Cobi: No.

No, this way.

Definitely. Come on.

[faint chiming]

Lex: What the f*ck?

What is it? Like a... shrine?

It's f*cked up, is what it is.

Lex: "Ex-tah-bee."





Look at this shit.

f*cking sick shit.

I told you it was this way!


Just... I'm literally sitting on $7 million.

That I can't ever spend.

And will probably get us k*lled.

Thanks, Milo.

Ah, f*cking Milo.


Cyclist: Filmishmish. Tomorrow we have apricots.


Aw... I don't know the code.

Shit. We're just gonna have to climb it.

It's the last year the Cubs won the World Series.

What is that?

I don't know.

Kick it.


Yeah, just go give it a little kick.

You give it a little kick.

Just nudge it.

Just a little bit.

Um, Angel?

Hello. I'm ready.

Did we say now?


Exactly now.

I brung all the paperwork.

[revs engine]

Oh, wow. Okay.

See, we gotta go.

But you make arrangements with me, for this time, now, today.

Yeah, yeah. Well... the... I...

Yes, I remember now.

I skip work today to do this.

Yeah, well, we're going to have to reschedule.

Did I reschedule when you asked me to your bedroom to make dreams come true?

No, you didn't, and I'm...

It was a wonderful evening.

You brag how you make all your millions, that you can help my family with our transfer of money.

I can. And I will. I just can't do it right now.

Well, you promise!

[car engine revs]

Look, our friends that...

You met them. Those guys?

They're-they're stranded right now.

We have to go pick them up.

It is an emergency.

Out of my control.

I see.

So I can help you later...

Like, like, later... with the paperwork.

I will wait here for you, then.


I will wait here for you to go and pick up your friends, and when you get back, we will do the paperwork.

No, no, look, see, uh... there's no one here right now, so I'd feel a lot more comfortable if we... g*dd*mn it.

Don't. Don't even...

Don't look at me like that, dude.

So, how many millions are you sitting on exactly?

Forgive me, I'm not as versed in your portfolio as she is.

You know...

Hey, you faked some credentials, she fakes an orgasm... Everybody wins.

She didn't fake anything.

Yeah, keep telling yourself that.


[quietly]: f*ck.

[bird squawking]

We're not gonna make it out of this, are we?

We might.

Maybe you're lucky.

Being estranged from your kids, you know?

They already know how to survive without you.

[quiet laugh]


I didn't mean it like that, man.

It's all right, it's all right.

What's this?

We don't know.

It was just lying in the driveway when we got back to the villa...

No name, no address, nothing.

Well, why didn't you open it?

Because we don't know what it is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

That thing might be booby-trapped.

Jesus Christ!

What the f*ck does that mean?

Is there a message with it?

Maybe the g*n is the message.

Saying what?

I don't know, maybe they're saying we should k*ll ourselves.

You got a better explanation?

Maybe they want us to k*ll someone.


We wait for instructions.

Anyone know how to use this thing?

Not really, you?

Shit, no.


Besides pull the trigger? No.

I'll hang onto it.

[stammers] I played paintball a few times.


Lex, we need a fuse and a car.

You want to hurry the f*ck up?
♪ ♪

So, uh, nothing too small.

Because there's four of us.

We're gonna need some leg room.

You should've told me midsize to begin with.

I have to go check and see if we have any.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[clears throat]


How was the walk back to the villa?

Good, how was, uh, sitting in the shade on your ass?


Hey, uh, Lex was asking and I couldn't answer.

What-what happened to your law firm?

Wasn't it under investigation or something?


We got h*t with a malpractice suit.

You know, total bullshit.

f*cked over by the big boys as usual.

Hmm, I thought you and your firm were the big boys.

There's always someone bigger.

Why didn't you just go somewhere else to be a lawyer?

'Cause law wasn't what I thought it was gonna be.

You know, I think I'm happier now.

Going from a sweet weekly check to starting a new business, divorce.

That had to hammer you financially.

Look, look, if this is about the ten grand that I owe you, just say when, all right?

Let me know, let me know when you need it.

I don't.

Sounds like you need it.

No, I'm just, I can help. I'm not...

I'm just worried about you, that's all.

Worried about me?

Well, you should probably worry about yourself.

All right.

We have a midsize.

Who will be paying for this?

He will.

Why me?

[A] You can afford it.

It's your plan.

Have you decided on insurance?

Yeah, um, yes.

We will take liability, collision.

Oh, and we'll prepay for a full t*nk of gas.

[woman rapping in foreign language]

Oh, right here, right here.

Right here. Dude.

Right there, right there.

Good thing we got the gas option.

We're just gonna run out.

Making sure we're not being tailed, that's all.

By who?


The Cat.

You ever heard of a guy named Jesús?

Right there.

Listen, we have to park the money in a place that doesn't have so much foot traffic that it draws attention, but it's not so private that people feel comfortable breaking into it... what's so hard to understand about that?


Lex: What is he doing?

He's passed at least a dozen good spots.

A-Another one right there!

Christ! Come on, already!

Easy! Jesus.

We do not want to get pulled over.

Yeah, well, my phone's in the Caribbean, so how am I supposed to communicate with him... smoke signals?

-[car horn beeps]

Is that Lex honking at me?

Yeah, probably. I'd honk, too.

So-so we shouldn't be careful trying to find the right spot?

You know what the point of this is?

To return the money and the boat in time to save our asses and get the f*ck out of here!

I will tell you what...f*ck.

No, the point of it is, if you think you can do better, why don't you...?

[onlookers gasping and speaking indistinctly]

You distracted me!


You distracted me.

Watch the road, dude.

I was watching the road!

Are you okay?

I am sorry. Is everyone okay?

What were you doing?

My friend distracted me!

Well, how are you gonna fix this?

It-It's not that bad.

Is everyone okay?

Oh, you are with them?


Then ask your friends how they're going to pay for this!

Gus: I'm very sorry, but we are in a hurry.

Uh, how about we just exchange information, and we let the insurance company...

Woman: You're tourists, right?

Yes? From America.

Is it that obvious?

Yeah, yeah, we're tourists.

Listen, I am very well insured.

So I'm to let you just go back home and hope some insurance company sends me a check in six months?

Yeah, no, thank you!

I work the counter at the pharmacy around the corner.

You think I can afford to pay for this myself?

We need to wrap this up.

Yeah, I know.

Gus: Give me a second.

I am going to make this right.

Right now. Guys?

Joel: What are you gonna do?

Just give me whatever you have, give me whatever...

That's all I got.

How about you, Cobi?

That's plenty.

It's a piece of shit.

Agreed, agreed.

We are so sorry.


Thank you, all right?

All right.


What is this shit?!

It's a piece of shit.

Call the police now!

No, no, no, no.

The Yankees are trying to rob me!

Lady, no one's trying to rob you.

Then pay what you owe me.

Okay, okay, all right.

Listen to me, listen to me right f*cking now, okay?

Look, you see this right here?

Take the $123, turn around, get back in your f*cking shitty car, and get the f*ck out of here right now.

Or what?

You'll sh**t me d*ad in the street?


No, you don't, you do not want to know.

Oh, you will, you'll sh**t me, huh?

The Yankee says he's going to sh**t me!

No! No! No! No!

Nobody's gonna sh**t anybody!

What the f*ck are you doing?

I said I was gonna sh**t her.

How about you just give me your name and address?

I will give you double whatever it costs to fix this car.

Look, we'll take care of this right now.

Why should I trust you to do the right thing after you leave Belize?

f*ck's sake, man!

Gus: Listen to me.


Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude!

Cobi, Cobi.

What are American promises worth?

Where are they going?

All right, here, okay?

Take this and go.

What is that?

No, no, no.

Do you want the money or not?

If you won't let me see what is in the trunk, I will just talk to the police instead.


[indistinct chatter]

Come on, man, we got to get out of here, let's move it.

Hey, hey, hey!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What are you doing?

What happened here?

A very minor accident.

But we worked it all out, though.

Is there anybody injured?

No, we are fine.

But I do have to get my grandmother to her treatment.

Are we free to go, Officer?

As long as everybody's happy.

I am happy.


I'm happy.

Yeah, see?

Very well, be careful now.


Good-bye, then.

I'll see you.

Thank you.

[chuckles] Wow.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.


Have a good afternoon, y'all.

All right?

And sorry about the...

Mm-hmm, right.

See you later.

[car engine starts]

"See you later."


For real?

Man, you know what?

I'm not even...

So-so the car's got a little damage, and we just need to return it for something a bit more, um, drivable.

Yeah, it was a good thing we got all that insurance.

[car horn beeps twice]

[insects trilling]

Come on, come on.

Lex: We're cutting this awfully close.

Angel: Finally.

I have everything ready.

I have waited long enough.

What the hell is she doing here?

Turns out Cobi's not just her boy toy, he's also her millionaire financial advisor.

Jesus Christ, Cobi, what the f*ck?

Okay, okay, just go get the flashes and fuses.

I'll take care of this.


It's all here.

Uh, I'm sorry, can't...

I'm sorry, I can't help you right now.




Hey, go.

Get out of here, go.

[dog whimpers]

Wait a second.

Was that...?

Scram! Out of here!

I do not accept this as an answer.

Okay, well, you're gonna have to... right now, I-I'm afraid.

Did you say you would help me?

This is an emergency.

Another emergency.

It's complicated, okay?

It's bullshit.

We can't just leave him here like this.

The dog will just keep digging him up.

You want the gardener to find him?

Gus: So, what the f*ck do we do now?

Get a shovel.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave... right now.

Thank you.

You know what?

f*ck, I've been a real assh*le.

I can help you with your paperwork.

You can?

Yeah, come on.

Oh, uh, watch it, watch it, watch it, watch it...

I can't.


You all right?

Got him? Got him?


Normally when you transfer this amount of money internationally, you're subjected to numerous fees.

But since we're going through your company, no fees.

That's right.

Your money is going through a shell company in the Cayman Islands under our control.

[indistinct chatter]

The freezer, let's put him in the freezer.

We're friends, so no fees.

Okay, just sign here, here, here.

Help me unload this.

And this is legal?

Barely. [Chuckles]

So yeah.


Fax this to my office in Chicago, and we'll take care of the rest.


Thank you.

Joel: Uh, dry his pants, dry his pants.

Uh, laundry room, The bar, in the bar.

What the f*ck?

The mutt dug up the body.

Hello again.

Cobi: You remember Angel.

Gus: Hey.

[tone chimes]

Someone's at the gate.

Sophia: Hello.

Lex: f*ck.

I know you are inside.

Why are the police here?

Um, they're here to ask Milo some questions.

You don't need to get involved.

Look, I'm gonna take you out the side door.

Open the gate.

Joel: Is she gone?

She's gone, but the cop's here.


Cop's here.

Open the gate.

Oh, my God.

Gonna stall her.

Hide the body.

I mean, it's starting to smell.

Let's go, let's go.

It has been good to know you.

It's been good to know you, too.


Sophia: Hello.


Let me in, please.

Oh, you know, I-I don't even know the code to this thing.

How do you get in and out?

Oh, uh, we usually have a clicker, and we...

Why don't you get that, then?

[Gus sighs]

We lost the damn thing, and I'm sorry.

[chuckles] So you are just locked in forever.

Gus: [chuckles] Hope not.

Maybe you and I can talk here.

Just like in jail.


Oh, f*ck.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Milo.

All right, all right, let's both get over here.


[grunting continues]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Here, let me.


Oh, my God.

Are you sure he's gonna fit?

It's like he's stuck on the side, man...

[overlapping chatter]

Get him up higher.

He's f*cking stuck, man.

Okay, he's stuck, try something.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.


Hey, uh, some lubricant.


Some kind of lubricant.

Yeah, lubricant.

Suntan lotion.

Yeah, yeah.

You realize Belize can be a very dangerous place.

Gus: Oh, yeah, yes, but, you know, we're just on vacation.

And so far, this place is pretty fantastic.

What if I told you I will put you in an airplane back to the United States tonight?

And you will never have to worry about anything here again.

Just you.

Just me?

I can tell you're innocent of anything.

I want to send you home.

You have two daughters, yes?

How do you know about my daughters?

And they are special to you?

I want to send you home tonight.

To be with your daughters.

But first I need to know the truth about everything.

About Milo, about the boat.

Then I promise I will send you home, far away from here.

Okay, push hard.

[Joel grunts]

He's too tall.

Please do not put me in this position.

Sophia: You want to go home, yes?

To your two daughters who are everything.

Then tell me.

Tell me the truth about everything, and I will let you go home.

They are your friends, I understand, but they are not your family.

Do what you need to for your family now.

It opens.

Maybe one of your friends would like to go home instead.


♪ Have mercy on me, baby ♪
♪ Have mercy on me, baby ♪
♪ I'll do just as you please ♪
♪ Well, you know that I love you ♪
♪ I'll put no one else above you ♪
♪ Have mercy on me, baby ♪
♪ Have mercy ♪

♪ Have mercy on me, baby ♪
♪ Please have a little heart ♪
♪ Have mercy on me, baby ♪
♪ You're tearing me apart ♪
♪ The way that you do me ♪
♪ You know you done got to me ♪
♪ Have mercy on me, baby ♪
♪ Have mercy ♪

♪ She's got you hypnotized ♪
♪ And your brain is paralyzed ♪
♪ You know she's only playing with you ♪
♪ Like a puppet on a string ♪
♪ Remember just one thing ♪
♪ She can't love you like I do, no ♪
♪ Have mercy on me, baby ♪
♪ I'll do just what it takes ♪
♪ You know you won't regret it ♪
♪ So, hey there, now I said it ♪
♪ Have mercy on me, baby ♪
♪ Have mercy ♪

♪ Have mercy ♪
♪ Have mercy on me, baby ♪
♪ Please have mercy on me ♪
♪ Have mercy ♪
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