07x01 - Kids Clinic

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Childrens Hospital...

Sal: Interviews for the head surgeon are today, so if you need to take revenge on anyone, now is the time.

So you're all fired.

Fired, fired.

You are so fired!

(laughs) Oh, hey, Bobby!

Wait up! I want to fire you.

Episode 7x01
"Kids Clinic"

Sy: Becoming the head surgeon doesn't give you the right to fire all the doctors.

Who's gonna run the daily hospital operations?

And what about the patients?

The patients will be lucky to have the head surgeon himself get to them, eventually.

You are the only doctor for 300 patients.

If you say it like that, sure, it sounds wrongheaded.

It's criminal.

Criminal?

And I'm getting the staff back.

Is it criminal to want to fire a bunch of jerk-offs?

Is it criminal to endanger the lives of 300 patients?

Oh, my God.

I'm a criminal!

I'm the worst kind of criminal.

I'm no better than my brother.

Tinklebutton, it's Blake.

I'm ready to join you in a life of crime.

(car muffler backfires)

Listen, I know we've had our differences in the past, and I appreciate you coming to get me like this.

I'm sorry for the way that I've tre--

Hey!

Where you going?

A life of crime is in that direction.

Crime is wherever I'm at, "big brother."

But I am your big brother.

Where are the other doctors?

They all got a job at some crappy free clinic downtown.

(sirens wailing)

Well, I'm late! (clears throat)

On the ground, bitch!

(screams)

Now!

Okay.

What's happening?

You're failing your orientation.

That's what happening.

Had this been an actual kidnapping by a masked man strapped with dynamite, you'd be dead right now.

(crying) This was all part of our orientation?

The easy part.

You think I'm gonna take chances on some losers who were just fired?

This is the worst neighborhood in all of Sao Paulo, Brazil.

Owen: Which is where we are.

Our doctors need to be prepared for very difficult situations.

Therefore, you will not be allowed to practice medicine until orientation is over.

Not all of you will make it. Some of you may even die.

There will also be a lot of forms to fill out.

You better have two pieces of I.D.

This is Khan. He's your mentor.

Do everything -- everything -- Khan says, or you will suffer his wrath.

The wrath of this guy?

The wrath of this guy.

I am Dr. Kids.

Welcome to our clinic.

All in all, great first day.

Yeah, she seems nice.

I don't get this orientation, guys.

I mean, what are the chances of us actually being held hostage at gunpoint, anyway?

That exact scenario happened when we were at Childrens on three separate occasions.

I just hope that the next test is medical.

Not me. I hope it's base jumping or spiders.

Or dark chocolate cake eating, because yum, right?

Whatever the next test is, we probably won't see it coming.

(growls)

Khan. there are no grizzly bears in Brazil.

I'm not Khan. I'm a giant short-face bear, the only species of bear native to South America.

Cat: Wait. This giant short-nosed bear is on the loose in our clinic, So what are we gonna do but kick its ass!

Kick its ass!

(all shouting)

Owen: Nut sh*t! Nut sh*t!

Khan: Hey! You just failed the second test.

But that's what you do with a bear -- you kick its ass.

I'm not a bear.

I'm a man in a bear suit, God damn it.

You should have got me in a choke hold like this and held me for ransom!

Yeah. Of course.

Fail! Fail! Fail!

♪

Huh. This looks like a different hospital every time I'm here.

No, same one.

This is gonna do just fine.

Just fine for what?

Puppy fighting.

(dramatic music plays)

We're going to be printing money.

Wait, when you say printing money, Do you mean that metaphorically or are you also running a counterfeiting ring out of here?

Full-blown counterfeiting ring.

(dramatic music plays)

But mostly puppy fighting.

Did you have those puppies on you the whole time?

In my pocket.

(puppies whining)

You're kidding me.

This is the same break room?

It's like twice the size.

Let's just go and beg Blake for our jobs back.

We can pass this orientation.

We know Dr. Kids's patterns.

We're gonna see that next test coming from a mile away.

I hope it's another bear.

I'm gonna choke him so hard, ransom the crap out of him.

(air raid siren wails)

Is that an air raid siren?

The sound effects are really well done.

Yeah, it doesn't even sound like it's coming out of the speaker.

Oh, my God. You guys.

Come on!

(people screaming)

Is this a test?

(explosions)

This is a real nuclear w*r!

Owen: su1c1de pact!

Let's k*ll each other before the blast gets us!

(all screaming)

(gagging)

(coughing)

Cat: We failed again, didn't we?

Owen: I'm just curious how you guys did that mushroom cloud thing.

Is that like a 3D projector?

Something like that.

♪

Place your bets, Place your bets.

Where's the action, people? Let's go.

Pony up, all right.

That's on you.

Come on.

If business keeps on going this well, we can expand to kittens or little duckies.

That nuclear blast looked so real.

Dr. Kids is no joke.

What up, staff?

The clinic has been invaded by the Chinese mafia.

sh**t to k*ll, or if AC/DC were here, they might say "sh**t to Thrill."

That's my time. Good night.

You heard the man. sh**t any Chinese guy you see, unless it's a Chinese kid because that's probably Daniel.

He's Korean.

All right.

These g*ns look so fake.

Guys, let's have fun with this one.

(men yelling)

(puppies yipping)

I can't watch this anymore.

No. You watch those tiny little doggies tear each other's clumsy, fuzzy bodies apart.

This is your life now.

♪ Work, work, work ♪
♪ Work, work, work ♪
♪ Let me see you work, work, work ♪

(g*nf*re)

♪ Work, work, work ♪
♪ Let me see you work, work, work ♪
♪ Work, work, work ♪
♪ Let me see ya work, work, work, work ♪
♪ Work, work, work, work, work, work ♪
♪

That one's got a nip on his ear.

I can't tell if he's crying or if those Are just his wet puppy eyes.

I have to help him.

What are you doing, man?

You're gonna wreck this entire operation.

It's a blood blister.

I'm almost there.

Got it. (sighs)

Men: Aww.

Perfect. This guy can get back in the ring in no time.

No.

When I healed this puppy, I realized I'm a doctor.

And I'll always be a doctor.

Wouldn't that actually make you a veterinarian?

Nope.

Well, veterinarian, though, heals --

Doctor.

Just tell me what a veterinarian does.

He fights wars.

Okay, whatever. You know best.

Fight's off, everybody. Fight's off.

(crowd groans)

(laughs) Where are they getting these actors?

They're really top-notch.

Hey, buddy. What casting agency did you go through?

God, he's so committed.

(dramatic music plays)

This is real.

Congratulations.

You've all passed.

Welcome to Kids Clinic.

We don't just treat children here.

We also run a lot of dr*gs, so welcome to the team.

Cat!

I was considering becoming a drug dealer!

Congratulations. You passed.

I'm the real Dr. Kids.

Welcome to Kids Clinic.

So you -- you don't run dr*gs out of here?

Oh, we totally do.

Cat! Will you give us a second to weigh the pros and cons?

Believe me, there are many pros, and now, one less con.

Hello. I'm the real Dr. Kids.

Now, just give her a second to explain everything.

How about a half a mill a year and you each get a Mercedes?

What kind of package are you talking about?

Just the basic model.

Okay! I'll throw in a rear backup camera and Sirius satellite radio.

That's actually not bad.

No Howard Stern.

(gasps)

Okay, you get a year of Howard.

Bababooey.

(g*nsh*t)

(gasps)

I'm taking you back where you belong to the hospital right now, before the cops come.

Put those down!

Owen: You know, Sy, for a hospital administrator, you sure have sh*t a lot of g*ns over the years.

♪

(sighs)

So, where will you go?

I go where the money is, where there are suckers willing to part with it.

(laughs)

And probably near a Chipotle.

So. What do you say?

You want come with?

I'm gonna stay right here.

You -- You're actually walking away.

I got to go find my friends.

(chuckles)

Have you -- you ever -- Okay.

Have you ever ridden a bike before?

Huh?

Don't look at me. Look at the road.

Okay.

Just go.

Sy: Blake.

You should apologize to your friends.

What? No, I'm not --

Actually, I am Blake.

I'm Blake. (laughs)

There's gonna be a lot of changes around here from now on.

First of all, I'm officially reinstating you and your entire team.

Sy: I better go find everybody else.

Lola: (sighs)

You know, Blake, one way you could make it up to us is by letting us torment you whenever we want.

(laughter)

Try that, and I'll wear your skin as a Halloween costume.

What?

What did you say? I don't know.

No, but what did you say?

I said I'm Blake and I'm back, baby.

Let's go to work. (laughs)

All right.

Yeah.

Let's go save some lives.

Owen: Let's go put on our other scrubs.

Have you ever seen the TV show Scrubs?

Oh, it's so good.

No. Let's binge it.

Did they use to film here?

No, that was a different hospital.

♪

Hey, uh, I'm looking for three of the doctors who work here.

If you find them, tell them they're wanted for m*rder and racketeering.

Okay, but uh, hey, if you see them first, tell they're wanted for doctoring... by me! at Childrens Hospital.

Where they used to work.

♪