01x09 - Seahorse

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad Dogs". Aired: January 15, 2015.
A group of underachieving 40-something guys travel to Belize to see an old friend, when things take an unexpectedly dark turn.
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01x09 - Seahorse

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ ♪


Um, I got to tell you something before we head off.

I f*cked up.


The money, like, fees and...

We're short.

How much?

How much are we missing?


Oh, Jesus Christ, Cobi.

And you didn't know about the 40,000 f*cking dollars in fees?

Yes, I knew about that, but I didn't know about this.

Lex: Hey, Gus.

End of the road.

I didn't... I didn't tell the guys.

Well, we can't tell them now.

Look, we can't go.

We have to. All right? We don't have a choice.

We can get back in the car and we can just go back.

To where?

That is the only way out.

You okay?

I just want to get this shit over with.

[car horn beeps]

[birds chirping]


Come on.

Gus: Uh, we're probably just being set up like a bunch of fall guys.

Joel: We're already fall guys.

Gus: You think Aaron gives a shit about us?

Who better to blame than four dudes already accused of m*rder a cop?

Lex: Blame us for what?

Gus: Anything.

Oh, look, wrapping's coming off.

Lex: Yeah, well, don't mess with it.

You're gonna make it worse.

Just peel it back a little bit, we could take a look what's inside.

What, are you crazy?

I'm not... I'm not gonna open it.

I'm just gonna go... look, it's already this far.

Okay, let's vote.

Who thinks we should look inside?

This is a really bad idea.


What if... what if it's, like, a bio-hazard thing, like, a chemical w*apon?

Jesus opens it up and... [hisses] he's d*ad, and we're d*ad with him.

My finger's already in it.

Well, you're d*ad.

Wait, wait.

It's wrapped in some kind of textile.

Textile? Who says textile?

What, are you John f*cking Adams?

You know what I mean.

It's, like, a fabric, like, a cloth.

All I can see is black inside.

Let me see.

Yeah, that can be anything, really.

[solemn organ music playing]

[bicycle bell dings]

[organ music continues]

Welcome, thanks for coming.

Ah, good to see you. Good to see you.


[people crying quietly]

[organ music continues]

I'm so sorry.

He deserved better.

[organ music continues]

[camera beeps, clicks]

[camera beeps, clicks]

Some kind of pervert, are you?

[camera beeps, clicks]

You want to take responsibility for this or you gonna keep secrets?


You gonna tell me whose number this is?

You left it on the car seat. Guatemala City?

This is the number for a hotline for our missing American embassy worker.

You called it.


What'd they say?

I don't know.

I just left a message, told them where the car was.

Cobi [recorded]: The woman from the embassy, the Southern coast road, about one mile past the San Pedro turnoff.

She... she fell.


We're supposed to go up that?

This can't be right.

That's what the map says.

All right. Yeah. Got it.

Here you go.



Hey, hold up.

I have a rock in my shoe.

Yeah, you know, we're never gonna get there if we keep stopping.

There's plenty of daylight. Just chill.

The humidity's k*lling this thing.

It's falling apart.

Hey, Lex, wait up.

[quietly]: What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Well, how... how are we gonna explain it?

I'm thinking.

What are you whispering about? Come on, damn!







Guys, there's a woman here.






Guys, his bag's here.

Lex [in distance]: Help!

You hear that?



Lex: Help! I'm down here!

He's over here, he's over here.



Hey, guys.

On the ground!



Oh, my God. What the f*ck?

I saw a woman. I was following her.

I fell down a f*cking hole.

You need a hand?

Don't f*cking joke around.

I'm claustrophobic. Get me out!

All right.

I'm stuck.

All right, all right. I got it.

Grab my arm.


Ready? Ready? I'm just gonna pull you up.


Ah, ah, ah, wait, wait, wait!


My... my foot is stuck.

Just wiggle a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, one, two...

Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Shit! Shit!

Don't let go!

I got you!

I got you!



Help! Help!

Don't let go!

I got you, I got you!

Don't let go!

I won't let go! We're not gonna drop you.

I don't know how far down this goes.

Come on.

Use your legs.


Get around back!


I got him!

Come on.

Grab him, grab him, grab him!

I can't hold onto him.


Shit! -f*ck! -Sorry.

Oh, shit.

[panting]: Oh, God. Thank you.

Stay away.

You okay?

Stay away. Yeah, yeah.



I don't know how f*cking far it goes.

You all right?



It's f*cking funny?

Yeah, kind of.

Don't get too close.



What the f*ck?

Oh, shit.

So we're hiking up this mountain to deliver a monogrammed f*cking windbreaker?

"JM." Jesus Miller?

Is this a f*cking joke?

I think it's an invitation.

Man: Good afternoon, everyone.

This is a product that is intended to change and improve both your health and your looks, too.

It's called the Blender Source.

15 miles in under 30 minutes.

Heart rate never got above... go ahead and guess.

110 BPMs.


Thank you, sir.

That's Kale... and tomato.

You should have some of this.

Tremendous confection for the prostate.

Worry about your own prostate.

No, my prostate's golden.

Your bosses won't be pleased when they hear that I've been treated disrespectfully.

I came up with many of them.

I'm even responsible for some of them being where they are.

Where they are?

What do you mean, like retirement homes?

Mm-hmm. What is that?

It's, like, dragon fruit and something.

This is a small country.

You wouldn't want us not to be friends.

Duly noted.

Are you gonna buy a blender or are we done here?

Instead of being the all-day smart-ass, why don't you listen to someone who actually knows what he's talking about?

'Cause you can have all the Internet skills and diplomas and triathlon f*cking medals you want, but at the end of the day, the only thing that actually matters in this business is contacts.

That means talking to people, getting to know them, gaining their trust.

It's pomegranate.

Dragon fruit and pomegranate. I should've...

I should've nailed that one.

I'm a who's who of Belize.

I'm a human f*cking phone book.

Now, see, that is exactly my point.

Nobody uses the phone book anymore.

I've been here for 20 years, you f*cking prick.

And nobody has a clue who I am.

You're already known locally as the w*nk*r on the bike who smells of fish.

Hardly f*cking covert.

How about you just... just worry about yourself?

I am, because you're drawing attention to me.

You listen to me, you ancient f*ck!

Nobody is paying attention to you.

You're out.

Man: They all come with the same size in a cup.

You drink it and you are ready to go.

[birds chirping]

[dogs barking]


[chickens clucking]

Excuse me.


[traditional music playing]

[woman speaking Spanish]

Hello, excuse me?

Hello. Hi. Do either of you know of a man named...

Over here. Come on.

Ma'am, excuse me.

Uh, habla Ingles?

No, no.

Sorry, we need... we need to find someone.

Do you know, uh, who Jesus is?

Can... can you show us where he lives?

¿La casa de Jesus, Si?

Think we should...

Did she understand what you said?

I don't know. I think we should follow her.

Wait down there till they come for you.

[kids chattering in Spanish]

[chickens clucking]


What do we do now?

Now, I guess we just... I guess we just wait.

Guys. We should gift wrap this thing, right?


Can't just take it like this.

Got it?

Come on, here, fold over.

You got to crease the edges.

Woman: You have a number?


You have a number?



Okay, three.

That smells good.

You from U.S.?

Yeah, Illinois, which is, yeah, U.S.

What the f*ck?


Jesus Christ, lady.

You go to school?

Yes, in the bus.

Yeah, we all got to take the school bus.

No. My school is in the bus.

Hey, um, on my way up here, I saw a woman walking through the jungle with a long white dress, long hair.

You saw Xtabai.

See what?


Sometimes you can find shrines to her in the woods.

She like a spirit. Men look for her.

They do?

Sure. She can be dangerous.

She beautiful, but, uh, if you can't please her, you die.

What do you mean? Like, sex?

Why do you die?

Because she's Xtabai.




[phones ringing]


Excuse me. Who are you?


Excuse me, sir.

Do you have a security pass to be in here?



I am trying to find your friend.


She's really more of colleague than a friend.

Well, that's helpful.

I've already been to every hospital, morgue, hostel, hotel within a ten-mile radius.

You didn't find her?

I want you to make a list of the same places within a 20-mile radius and keep making that list until you reach the border.

[camera beeps, clicks]

Can you do that for me, sweetie?

Sweetie? It's 2016.

I know.

[camera beeps, clicks]

Buenas noches. Bienvenidos.


How you doing, guys?


Good, thank you.

Welcome to town.

I have a present, a welcome present for you.


Let's drink.

I will buy you a drink. My treat.

Thank you, but no thanks.

We're waiting for someone.

[laughs] No. We have to drink.

We all have to drink, you know, a welcome to the town.

Uh, you will like. It's very good stuff.

All right. Cheers.




Very strong.

Good. It's good, good.

No, no, everybody drinks.


It's on me. It's my treat.



Good. [Laughs]



It's good. It's good.



No, no, him, please.

No, thank you.

Oh, no, he's not gonna have a drink.

It's not good for him, so...

Oh, it's not good for me; I still drink.


He's all right.

Okay, okay, okay.

This is a nice town with nice people.

It's okay to drink with nice people, right?

Lovely people and no offense.

I just... I never drink alcohol.

You know, look, I'm gonna have his drink for him.

No, you already have your drink.

Now it's time to take his drink.

He doesn't need a drink.

No, it's not okay.

You got this guy.

You have to take a f*cking drink, man!

Take a f*cking drink!


Take a f*cking drink, man! I said to take a f*cking drink!

Take a f*cking drink!


Okay, okay. You know... you know, it's fine.

I'll have a sip and we'll be done with it.

He has to take a drink.


Thank you very much, gentlemen.

Salud, Salud.


That's very p*ssy. You take a... this is how.


So now take the f*cking drink now.

Drink like a man! Drink like a f*cking man now!

Okay, okay, okay.

Lex, you don't have to, right?


No, don't... You took the...

I'll do it... I'll take a gulp for the guy.

Big deal, all right? What?

No, I... Oh!

I'm really sorry.

Sorry about that.

That was just a total accident.

What is this?

That belongs to Jesus.



Jesus Christ. Let's get the f*ck out of here.

Where we gonna go?

Back where the f*ck we... we came from!



What the f*ck?


[dog barking]

[door closes]


[g*n cocks]

[two g*n]

[elephants trumpeting, stampeding]

[g*n continues over TV]

Automated voice: Round complete.

[footsteps over TV]

Automated voice: Round three, safety off.

Hunt all animals.

[footsteps continue]

[g*n cocks over TV]

[animals bellowing over TV]

What is this?

That's a gift for Jesus.


Open it.

It's... it's not ours to open.

Is... is he here?

It's really meant for him.

Yeah, we-we were told to give it directly to Jesus.

Right, we-we delivered the package and-and the money, so I think we should probably go.



Open it.

Pablo. [Speaking Spanish]

f*ck me! Who wrapped this?

There's a lot of money in the bag.

Yeah, w-we came to return it, along with that.

How they get you to come here?

They take your wives?

Your kids?


Aaron sent us.

[speaking Spanish]

Big conehead f*ck with the f*cking biker tights.


I know Aaron.

You know that f*ck took a boat, Jesus's boat, in the middle of a f*cking drop, man, in the middle of the day.

That took some serious b*lls, man.

That's a giant f*ck move!

Except it wasn't, 'cause you bozos stole the damn boat.

[speaking Spanish]

Yeah, but we did return the package and-and... and the money, right?


If-if this is about the boat, we can show you where it is.

And-and... it's not damaged or anything.

It's just... just muddy.

Jesus will probably want to k*ll you.

All I can say is that we are... very, very sorry.

You're Catholic.

Are you Catholic? Católico.

I... I was raised Catholic, yeah.

So what are you now?

I don't know.

Were you confirmed?


Then you're Catholic!

What name did you take?

Your confirmation name.


Because of Luke the Skywalker?


[squeals, laughs]

[imitates lightsaber]

I took Jasmine.

You're supposed to pick a Saint, but I like my name.

So, who did it?

Who k*lled the cop?

Who k*lled the cop?!


[speaking Spanish]


[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]


[speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

Where do you think you are?

Guess... where you are.

I-I'm sorry. I don't know.


Uh, I guess maybe some... there.

Touch. Touch where.


[imitates buzzer, laughs]

We are where Mexico, Guatemala and Belize intersect.

We are nowhere.


There's a saying up here.

Keep your mother in Guatemala, your wife in Belize and your girlfriend in Mexico.

Isn't that right, Pablo?



They both know about the Mexican girl, Pablo.


Guatemalans will f*ck anything.

You know who else will f*ck anything? Bam!


We shouldn't have come.

Shit, shit.


They're gonna k*ll Joel.

They're gonna k*ll us.



Look, we-we brought back the money.

That was the deal.

We brought back the f*cking money.

The money, it's short.

We're 40 grand short.

I f*cked up in Guatemala.

You didn't tell us.

I told Joel.

I told him. He knows.

I said we shouldn't come here, and he said we don't have a choice.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I never liked Captain Moreno.

Jesus adored her.

I don't know why.

[speaks Spanish]


[counting machine beeps, rattles]

You have a nice smile.

Do people tell you that?

Uh, no, no.

Women think it, though.

And you know they do, so you use it on them.

I can tell because you give it a little extra.

[laughs]: Hi.

You're aware of it.

If a person were perceptive, they'd be aware that you are aware of it.

Maybe that's all part of it.

A whole other conversation happening with your smile.

Do you want to f*ck?

I used to not say what I think.

Now I do.

Try it.

Say what you think.

I'm getting bored, Joel.

Say what you think.

Say. Say.

I think the "J" on the jacket isn't for Jesus.

I think it's for Jazmin.

I think you're Jesus.



Jesus is my father.

He's on vacation.



I think...

I think he's probably not on vacation.

I think maybe he's... maybe something happened to him.


He was strangled with a barbed wire.

Say what you think.

Now I think maybe you strangled your father with barbed wire.

My muscles make you not want to f*ck?

For some, they are kind of horny.

There's something you should know.

Want a bump?

Not right now.

Me neither.


Ah, I just do a little.

The money's short.

It's 40,000 or so short.

[speaking Spanish]


[speaking Spanish]



The welcoming committee's back.

What? Oh.

Hey, Buenas noches.


[speaks Spanish]

We don't want any trouble.

We don't want no trouble.

[speaks Spanish]

Relax, all right? So...

I'm so happy to see you 'cause I want to really apologize with you.

I was not good. I was very drunk before.

That's okay.

Now everything's cool.

Now I'm good. Okay, we're cool?

Yeah. We're good.

We're cool.

Sorry. Okay.


Give me a hug.

All right.

Where's my money?

I took it.


I went off alone and I took... I took it.

Hmm. And your friends don't know?

Do you think they'd have walked up here if they did?



All right, all right.

No, we're cool.

We're friends. All right. Just playing.

We're cool.

All right, man. Yeah.

Just playing, okay?


All right.

I... k*lled Sophia.

I did. It was me.

I k*lled the cop.

And I spent your money.

Just me.

You got kids?

I got... I-I have two, a girl and a boy.

It's gonna f*ck them up to find out their dad d*ed, especially your daughter.

Some girls, they... they can handle it.

Look at me.

I turned out okay.

So where is Mr. Big Bro, Big Guy?

He's inside.

With Jesus.

Oh, that's too bad.

Lex: But, listen, I want to apologize for spilling the drink; That was an accident.

No hard feelings, okay?

No hard feelings. Don't worry.

What... what if... what if I can help you?

Maybe, say, do things for you?

I'm a f*cking drug dealer, man.

What if I could?

Give Big Bro this from me, okay?



Okay? No hard feelings.

Cool, man.

No hard feelings, all right?

[Kn*fe slices]




Bye, guys.

All right, see you.

Oh, f*ck.

What's wrong?

Shit! Ow!

What's wrong?

Oh, f*ck.

No. No.


No, no, sit him down. Sit him down.

You ever do blood brothers when you were a kid?


Lick it.

Cobi [outside]: They stabbed him!

[shouting outside]

Put pressure on it, man.


Come on, help!

What? I got it.

Do something. Do something!

They stabbed him!

I got it.

He's been stabbed.

He stabbed him.

Who, who?

The guy, the guy...

The f*cking guy.

The guy with the...


Help, help! Please, please!

Pablo, put them on the bus.

Gus: Lex, we are here for you. You hear me?


Lex. Lex?

We are here for you, man. You hear me?


[tires screeching]

Hey, can you go faster, please?

Lex: Listen, Gus.


Promise me...

Promise you... y-you'll... look after my dad, okay?

You promise me you're gonna stay awake.



Lex, I tell you I...

I located my dad.


I got sentimental and found him online.


He's been stocking groceries for the last ten years in the same place.

Why does he need a Linkedin account?

I don't know.

Why would anybody need a Linkedin account?

That's funny.

You keep cracking jokes, Lex.


[tires screeching]

Excuse me! We need help.

Our friend... our friend was stabbed.

Calm down, calm down.


How long ago did this happen?

Um, I don't know, like, an hour.

Here, turn him around. Here, hey.

Don't rush him, don't rush him!

All right. Got him?


Easy, easy.


Here, come on, let's go.

E.R. Hurry.

Pressure on it.

No, you guys, wait here, wait here.

We'll take care of your friend.


Jesus... you get to meet him?


Well, what'd he say?

They know we were short?

Yeah, of course.

Wait. Why... why did he let us just walk away?

I don't know.

Maybe Jesus forgave us.

Where are you going?

Call Aaron.


[phone beeps]

Ah, what's going on here?

[horn honking]

Come on.

[phone rings]

[car alarms wailing]

[people whimpering]

[line ringing]

[phone ringing]

[wrapper pops]


I'm gonna go clean up.

Hey, if you see a soda machine, let me know.


[humming quietly]

[groans]: Oh, shit.

Oh, that...

That's something I don't need to see.

Um, she's not here.

Thank you very much for your cooperation.

Excuse me. You speak English?


You an American?

[chuckles]: Oh, thank God.

Look, I, um...

I get completely turned around down here.

I don't know where the hell I am.

Could you tell me where the nurse's station is, please?

Right down the hall to your right.

Thank you.

Hey, I'm Conrad.


You're Gus Givens.

I'm Conrad Tull.

Legal attaché, FBI, Panama.

Do you know anything about a missing embassy woman, Gus?

What do you say you and I take a little walk, have a talk?

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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