05x09 - And the Sax Problem

[bunniefuu]

Got a marriage proposal in the diner.

Where they gonna honeymoon... a Porta-Potty?

That's the saddest thing I ever seen, and I was at a Rolling Stones concert last night.

The guy wants me to put this ring her pie.

'Cause you know what they say...

If you like it, then you gotta put a ring in it.

Well, this is a first.

A guy left me a half a tuna sandwich as a tip.

Which is still more than Europeans leave.

There's a proposal at table 40, and you have to do it.

I already delivered a baby in here today.

Well, they've obviously been dating a while, 'cause she's eating carbs in front of him.

Caroline is so happy right now.

She still believes in all that love crap.

Uh, she also believes table 14 is table 40.

Here's your pie.

I have a feeling this dessert is gonna be extra-sweet.

It's an engagement ring!

He hid it in the pie!

Yes! Yes, I'll marry you.

I know I said I was cool with waiting, but I wasn't cool with it!

Yep. She messed up. This isn't yours.

Um... again. I'm cool with waiting.

And for you two, pie on the house, and I'm guessing a very tense cab ride home.

♪ ♪

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

Where's Earl? He isn't here yet, and I'm worried.

Wait... it's not a black holiday, is it?

Earl better not be dead, or I'll k*ll him.

We have a joint su1c1de pact.

We smoke a joint and then we k*ll ourselves.

He's probably just late. Don't overreact.

That's exactly what Janine at 911 said ten minutes ago when I overreacted with her!

You called 911?

When I came home three hours late last night, you had already put all my stuff out on the street.

Hi, everybody!

Wait a minute... where's Earl?

It's not as much fun walking in here if he's not down there looking up at my boobs.

He's late.

[gasps] Late?

Oh... I'm sorry, Max.

I know you two were close.

See? That's the kind of sympathy I was looking for from you and Janine.

Sophie, what's with those needles?

Oh, yeah... I'm getting ready to sh**t up.

Sophie's starting her fertility sh*ts today.

Before long, we'll be parents.

Look out, PTA meetings...

I'll bring the P. She'll bring the T&A.

All right, come on, Oleg. I'm ready for my first sh*t.

Come on, let's go to the ladies' room so you can poke me real good.

You're not poking her anywhere in here.

Thanks to you, the handicap stall is a condom graveyard!

Sophie, you know I'm only afraid of two things... needles and Kenny Rogers after the eyelift.

He did not know when to fold 'em.

Someone else will have to give you your sh*ts.

Well, I guess I could do it.

Roll up your sleeve.

Okay, yeah.

I'll roll up my sleeve... and then pull down my Spanx, 'cause you gotta put it where the sun don't shine, baby.

Uh... this is a little awkward, but Sophie, I was unaware I'd be injecting your badonkadonk.

Okay, Han.

Take my hand...

That's right. Mm-hmm.

That's real good. All right, come on.

And I'm gonna take you now to show you your first lady butt.

Now, there's a heart-warming tableau that Norman Rockwell somehow missed.

Hello, ladies.

Earl! I'm so glad you're alive.

You always go straight to dead, Max.

But thanks for sending the paramedics.

I needed help finding my Apple TV remote.

I was stuck on the phone with Barry from my old jazz band The Early Birds.

You may have read about us in "Never Made It" magazine.

Caroline and I were on the cover last week.

He told me they're holding an anniversary show down at Ruby's, and The Early Birds are invited to perform on Friday night.

[gasps] Earl!

One of my dreams is to hear you play live.

And the other one already happened... breakfast all day at McDonald's.

Well, I hate to burst your McMuffin, Max, but that ain't gonna happen, 'cause I'm not invited to play.

Ruby doesn't want me there.

Ruby hates Earl.

Well, then Max hates Ruby.

Oh! What happened between you and Ruby?

Was it a crazy love affair?

Mm-hmm. We were hot.

Oh! An amour fou?

No, it was a-more I fooled around with her sister.

Look! [gasps] Earl and The Early Birds!

Where'd you get that?

I went down the street to Smart & Vinyl.

12.95.

You spent 12.95 on Earl's record, but you wouldn't lend me 25¢ for a latte yesterday?

Look, we gotta do something about Earl.

He deserves to play at that jazz club.

I mean, he is the only one at this diner who has a chance to make it.

I appreciate your enthusiasm, but of all of us here, you think the 80-year-old has the brightest future?

For as long as I've known Earl, all he talked about is how proud he was of that band.

And that Ruby woman is denying him the chance to play again?

Not on my watch.

If I own one.

Which... I do not.

We are going down to that club and talk some sense into Ruby, because Earl would do the same for us if we had any talent.

I just have to ask... you do think we're gonna get out of here one day.

Oh, for sure!

In body bags.

Wow, this place is the real deal!

All the jazz greats sang here.

Look... Ella Fitzgerald, Sarah Vaughan, Nina Simone.

You know, there was a moment when I wanted to be...

Was there ever a moment when you wanted to be quiet?

Scotch on the house, please.

Normally, I don't drink in the afternoon, but it's still morning.

I'll have a Lillet.

I hear it was Billie Holiday's poison.

You know, there was a moment when I was...

That moment's over.

Sir, we're here to see Ruby.

Who wants to see Ruby?

She's coming in real hot, Max.

Maybe this isn't a good idea.

There's only one old woman who scares me, and his name is Steven Tyler.

I'm Ruby.

Well... if it isn't "Miss doesn't invite people to stuff."

Who's also known as Miss Very, Very Pretty.

I don't need someone to tell me that I'm pretty.

That's what I told Roy Orbison when he wrote "Pretty Woman for me.

What do you little girls want?

We're friends of Earl.

Of Earl?

You know, Earl.

From The Early Birds.

You know, the guy who put this club on the map.

Oh, that Earl!

He's a bum!

Girl, you better check yourself!

No one says anything bad about my Earl.

Your Ear... Well, I prefer not to go to jail for murdering Earl's girlfriend, but... it's not that strong a preference.

Here, hold my hoops!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Max isn't Earl's girlfriend.

He's more like a father-figure to her.

More like a great-grandfather figure!

He's both! Hold my hoops!

Everybody calm down, take a b*at.

A jazzy b*at, of course.

I only have two questions for you...

Why is she so upset?

And what the hell is a jazzy b*at?

I'm upset because I know Earl helped build this club, and he wasn't invited to play your anniversary show.

That's right... 'cause he's a bum!

Hold my hoops again!

That no-good, two-timin' musical genius will never set foot in my club while I'm alive.

Here, hold my hoops while I unstrap the p*stol on my shoe.

Ruby, come on, can't you just let him play?

I mean, he's just a cashier at a diner now.

What'd you just call him?

Earl is more than just a cashier.

That is his job, not what he is.

How dare you!

Yeah, how dare she!

Both: Hold my hoops!

Hold your hoops! I'm sorry.

He's not a cashier. He's a musical genius.

Damn it.

I can't believe that Earl would end up in a dead-end job as a cashier in a diner.

Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be a dead-end.

He could get out anytime... him and the other people that work there.

All right, he can come.

But just make sure he shows up and he is sober.

That man only has two settings...

"high off his ass" or "not in the room."

He'll be here.

Okay, I don't know whose hoops are whose.

We got a real "whose hoops" over here.

Isn't that exciting, Earl?

You're playing at the club!

I'm gonna go ahead and call it a comeback.

And then I'm gonna go find an outfit that I can take back.

So, Earl, obviously, I'll be your date, and obviously, we'll pretend that we don't know Caroline.

I can't believe that you girls went to see Ruby and came back with your hoops and hair.

But there's one problem: I no longer own a saxophone.

How can you not own a saxophone?

That's like me not owning muh jugs.

I sold it 'cause I needed the money.

I had just kicked heroin, and I was buying a lotta cocaine.

But thanks, girls. It would have been really nice.

Aw, Earl, that's too bad.

I was really excited to see the show.

I think when we went to Ruby's, I caught the jazz bug.

In my day, when you caught the jazz bug, you had syphilis.

Obviously, we have to get Earl a saxophone so he can play in the show.

Max, if you put this much effort into our life, we'd be off the cover of "Never Made It" magazine.

We can't afford a musical instrument.

Trust me, if there's anything I know how to find, it's cheap sax.

So, Earl, you're back in your old stomping grounds.

How's it feel?

Should bring back a lotta memories, huh?

It sure should!

There's my girl!

She and I used to have a lot of great talks.

Earl, you played with Ella Fitzgerald?

It's possible.

Or else I talked to that picture.

I did a lot of dr*gs.

Whenever I think of Ella, I just want to ♪ Scooby-Doo-bop-bop, squiddly dop-dop-bah ♪

Do that again, and I'm gonna squiddly-da-bop you in the head.

I gotta admit, I'm excited to play.

I got my mojo working and my pacemaker on cruise control.

I appreciate all the trouble, girls.

Just don't forget us when you make it big.

And we won't forget you when we make it big.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ahh! Well, well, well.

Earl with a couple of 18-year-old white girls.

It's the '60s all over again.

If it was the '60s, you and I would be in the coat closet gettin' on the good foot doin' the bad thing.

You look beautiful as ever, Ruby.

Well, Earl, I must say, you look...

Wiser? Distinguished?

Mature like a fine wine.

I was gonna say less on heroin.

I haven't done smack in 30 years.

I even quit Honey Smacks 'cause I thought it might tempt me.

Ruby, just putting it out there... if you need someone to warm up the crowd, I was in my high school's jazz choir.

I sang "God Bless the Child."

[chuckles] Well, God bless the children that had to listen to that.

Well, it's gonna be very interesting, Earl.

I don't think I ever remember you playing sober.

You always said the junk gave you the funk.

I did?

Mm-hmm.

Well, that was clever.

You know what wasn't clever?

Leaving your underpants on my sister's breakfast table.

Anyway, break a leg. Or... a heart.

You're good at that.

I was good at a lot of things with you, Ruby.

[lecherous giggle]

[chortling]

Girls, I just realized...

I never played straight.

Excuse me, ladies.

I have to freshen up in the men's room.

You don't think "freshen up" means... what I think we both think it means.

No. Earl's been clean for 30 years.

Plus, you don't just go into the bathroom of a jazz club where you did heroin to find heroin.

I'll just go take a peek.

Earl's still in the bathroom.

You know what's not in the bathroom?

Doors on the stalls.

Damn it! I forgot I invited people.

Hey, girls, come on.

Admit it... everyone hates jazz, right?

Well, I love it.

See? It's the worst!

I like going downtown.

I don't have to tell you that.

Where's Han?

He's standing right under me, isn't me?

Ooh! $15 a drink.

That's your whole night in Secaucus!

Han, I can't take sh*ts and jazz and your personality at the same time.

Sophie, relax. It'll be fine.

I'll buy you a drink first.

Hold my syringe while I get my credit card.

Who are you, my mom?

Oh, Earl, how you doing?

Max, that's real sweet of you to score some dope for me, but I'm gonna pass.

No. These are Sophie's fertility dr*gs.

All this'll give you is great breasts.

Still no. If I had great breasts, I'd never get out of bed.

Good evening. My name is Ruby.

And in case you forget that, it's written in neon all over the place.

You ready?

Yep. Ready to leave.

What?

You heard Ruby.

I've never played not high, and I'm not about to try it now.

Now, I know you're all here for The Early Birds tonight, so hang onto your hats and hide your sisters.

[chuckling] And help me welcome back to the stage The Early Birds, featuring Earl!

[applause]

Earl!

Oh, a-am I still here?

In my mind, I was running so fast.

Earl... we're waiting for you. [chuckles]

He's acting like the stage wants him to commit to a monogamous relationship.

You know what I'm talkin' about, right, ladies?

Whoo-hoo! Yeah, jazz is funny!

Boys, y'all know the drill. Vamp! Vamp, boys, vamp.

[band begins set]

You gotta go up and buy us some time so I can convince Earl to get up there.

Max, I don't know if I could do that.

Should I go with "God Bless the Child" or "Lady Sings the Blues"?

Quit adding white things to you.

You're already the whitest person here.

Just go.

Hey, there, you crazy cats.

Earl will be out in a hot second.

How y'all doin'?

And-a one, and-a two, and-a three... martinis over on this table!

You know when someone else says something stupid, but you're embarrassed?

Earl, I thought this would make you happy, but if you don't wanna play, we can just go.

Then let's just go.

Damn it, Earl!

Follow along, boys.

Just keep it bright and breezy, and "God Bless the Child."

(Barry) Is this a joke?

[laughter]

I'm gonna have to sh**t up myself to get through this.

Sometimes when the crickets start chirpin' down South late on a summer's night...

Seriously... is this a joke?

[laughter, murmuring]

I just have to break into this song.

Oh, lord.

♪ Scooby-Doo-bop-bop ♪
♪ Squiddly dop-dop-bah ♪

Somebody sh**t me!

[laughter]

You know what, Max, it turns out I don't need junk to get up there.

I just needed Caroline to start singing.

Let's fly, Birds.

[snapping] A-five, six, seven, eight.

[playing jazzy tune]

♪ ♪

Thanks for warming them up, darling.

On, Earl, I can stay and sing...

We good. Caroline Channing, folks.

[applause]

Everybody, thank you all for coming out tonight.

Okay, a-one, two, three...

[playing "Comin' Home Baby"]

♪ ♪

That is one cool cashier.

[Ruby chuckles]

♪ ♪

Ha. He's still got it!

Yes, he does.

♪ ♪

All I know is if that white girl had started singin', you were gonna have to hold my hoops!

♪ ♪

Wow, Earl's been napping pretty much this whole time.

It was a big night for him.

He got back on the horse without getting back on the horse.

But I'm pretty sure he got back on Ruby.

I know he got back on her, 'cause I had to hold her hoops.

I hate to say this, but I'm a little jealous of Earl.

He got a chance to do what he's best at again.

I'm beginning to think I may never get that chance.

Aw, were you holding on to hope?

Stop. You have time. Earl's 80.

You're only, what, like 50 now?

Max, I really wanted to sing tonight.

Fine.

Earl, wake up.

Damn it.

Have I been living on the subway again?

No. Caroline needs you to play.

Oh, I don't think I could sing on the subway.

"God Bless the Child" in a G.

Caroline, you're not really gonna sing the blues.

I mean, that music's about suffering, the pain of losing everything.

How would a girl like you know about that?

I lost $5 billion.

Key of G, you said.

'Scuse me... this girl's going to sing for you right now.

We don't want money, so don't throw things.

So everybody listen up. Not you, sir.

I know you're busy masturbating.

Ready?

♪
♪ Them's that got shall have ♪

Yeah.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ Them's that's not shall lose ♪

Mm-hmm!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ So the bible said ♪

Yeah!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ And it still is news ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ Mama may have ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ Papa may have ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ But God bless the child ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ That's got his own ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ That's got his own ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Yeah...

All right, everybody start throwing some money.

I didn't think she was gonna be that good.

[cash register bell dings]