Previously on Childrens Hospital...
When Arthur Childrens founded this hospital, he had an illegitimate son that he kept hidden from the hospital gentry at that time.
For I am not Valerie Flame...
man's voice: I'm Derrick Childrens!
(all gasp)
What?!
Long-lost son of Arthur Childrens.
Episode 07x02
"One Million Saved"
Clamp.
All right, kid, come on, stay with me.
And we got it. He's gonna make it.
(bell dinging)
It's our one millionth patient!
Hey!
(flatline)
♪
Dr. Kriete: God, you're so gorgeous, Val.
If you were a man, I would scissor you right now.
How do you do it?
However I did it, I don't anymore.
I spent so much time pretending to be someone else, I lost who I really am.
That ends today.
(gasps)
Woman: What's wrong with my son?
Lola: I've never seen symptoms like this.
I just wish my colleague, Dr. Valerie Flame, were here.
It's her specialty.
But I don't even know where she is.
I do even know where she is.
Gone.
Never to return.
We'll save your son.
No mystery is too tough for Derrick Childrens.
Bring me up-to-date.
You bring me up-to-date.
Better yet, bring me on a date.
Know what I mean? Hubba hubba.
But seriously, though, What is with the new Adam's apple and stuff?
This isn't about me, Lola.
It doesn't matter if I look like a platinum-blond cream machine or a smoldering hunk of Midwestern beefcake.
The patient comes first.
I'm ordering a battery of tests to get to the bottom of this.
Dori, order me a battery of tests to get to the bottom of that.
Absolutely.
Right after I finish my jigsaw puzzle.
Thank you.
You guys know how much I love my jiggies!
Dori! Every moment you waste waxing poetic about how much you love your jigsaw puzzles is a moment you could be spending on your jigsaw puzzle!
Yes, Doctor. I'll start with the edges.
Good.
So, what do you make of Atticus's symptoms?
Symptoms?
Yeah.
You didn't tell me he had symptoms.
Oh.
My God, it's back.
What's back?
The pandemic.
100 years ago, a mysterious illness b*rned through Childrens like wildfire through children. Nothing my father did could save them. All hope seemed lost, until...
It was over.
He found the cure?
That's correct.
Fearing panic, he covered up the outbreak and hid the cure somewhere in the hospital.
Somewhere in the hospital?
But this place is as big as a building.
I have a feeling I know where he hid the cure.
And if my feeling is correct, I'm going to show you where that place is now.
(clattering)
My father's office.
For years, it was used as a dusty old room full of old-fashioned props.
There must be a clue in here somewhere.
Yeah.
(blows)
Father.
Aw, come, now.
Aw, you rest your head right on my shoulder.
You let your hot tears drip all over my thirsty melons, yes.
Could you just give me a-a minute?
Mm-hmm.
I'm right here.
Tell me your secrets.
Okay.
I think numbers have genders.
Like, 1 is a boy.
2 is a boy. But 3 is a girl.
4 is a -- Wh-- Um...
What are you talking about?
Oh.
Almost there.
Blake, be ready to hold that umbrella over her body to protect her from the confetti, okay?
Ready.
And we got it. She's gonna make it.
(bell dinging)
1 million patients saved!
(flatline)
What the hell, Blake?
Okay, for the record, you never specifically said to open the umbrella.
There's nothing here.
We looked everywhere.
Hey.
What about this?
A tarp.
That's a clue.
What could my father have meant by a tarp?
What if we looked under it?
Why would we look under the clue?
(gasps)
(film projector clicking)
Father.
If you're watching this, the pandemic has returned. The cure is hidden deep in the bowels of Childrens. Now, listen closely. This next part is extremely impor--
Got it! Let's go!
Out here, the breeze will blow the confetti away from the patient.
Clamp.
All right. And, success!
Whoo!
(bell dinging)
(laughter)
Beth: 1 million patients saved!
(cheering)
Well, that does it, right?
Oh!
(flatline)
(boy speaking Spanish)
Come on!
No fair! Look -- You have a ton already!
My father's old operating theater.
I used to play down here by myself for hours on end.
You didn't have any friends?
No.
Well, one.
An old vagrant named Todd who used to live down here.
He taught me how to masturbate right there.
(gasps) Look!
Father.
Oh, you let me know if you need a tissue made out of boobs, okay?
Father.
Oh, come blow your nose on my titties!
(grunts)
Ooh! Your butt skin is so soft.
A woman has to shave.
Yeah. Ah.
What are you doing with your fingers?
I want to wear you like a muppet.
Oscar the Grouch.
Yeah.
Ooh, there's plenty of room in my filthy garbage can.
Yeah. (gasps)
Oh, my God!
That's it! I've got it!
Seriously? What did I leave in there?
Your father -- In the film, he didn't say, "In the bowels of Childrens Hospital." He said, "In the bowels of Childrens."
That cure is somewhere up inside your dead dad's butt.
Blake, keep that drone away from us.
I got it. Don't worry about it.
We did it!
(bell dinging)
1 million saved!
We did it.
(barking)
(flatline)
Woman 2: Daisy, get out of there.
Ugh.
And we did it!
(bell dinging)
Whoo!
(flatline)
♪
And we did it!
(bell dinging)
1 million saved!
(flatline)
Aw.
Okay, you know what, That's it for me. Later.
There's nothing there.
It would be faster If I had some help.
I'm not sticking my arm up my dead dad's a-noose!
(gasps)
"If you are reading this, you probably did not watch the whole film."
....is extremely important. It is "bital" that you look "bigilently." thank you "bery" much for "biewing" this film from the "archibes."
Of course!
My father had a speech impediment.
He pronounced his v's as b's.
That means the clue isn't in the bowels of Childrens.
It's in the vowels of Childrens.
Why?
Sometimes, but mostly a-e-i-o-u.
The vowels of Childrens.
♪
I thought I heard what sounded like a good old-fashioned puzzle dump.
Dori, you have to solve this puzzle!
Sure. Right away, Doctor.
Quality construction.
Clean edges.
Ooh, a whimsy!
Dori!
Sorry.
♪
It's just Arthur Childrens holding some ugly baby.
That's not just some ugly baby.
That's me ugly baby.
Derrick, you're the cure.
Todd the vagrant always said I was special.
Let's go save us a kid.
Oof!
It's about time. We're about to lose Atticus.
Let Derrick in! He can save him!
(mouths "Thank you")
(mouths "Thank you")
(mouths "For what?")
(mouths "For everything")
(flatline)
(gasps)
Wow. Next time, save the drama for your mama.
No! No!
(weeping)
Wait a minute. We've got a pulse.
(gasps) Derrick! It's your tears!
Your tears are the cure!
What?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
You're doing it, Derrick! You're magic!
Stop complimenting me!
Say sad things! I'm drying up.
Kids grow up so fast.
Oh!
C-c-cutting onions!
Laura Linney has never won an Oscar.
(weeping)
He's gonna make it!
(sniffles)
(bell dinging)
1 million patients saved!
(gasps) Uh-oh.
Relax -- Thought this might happen.
So what I did was I laminated the confetti into one big, solid, surprisingly heavy ball of --
(squish)
(flatline)
Do you have to go?
You know that I do.
Well, I'll miss you, Derrick Childrens.
♪
So, where will you go?
I'm gonna hit the road with an old friend.
(shopping cart rattles)
Oh.
Take care of him, Todd the vagrant.
Take care of him?
He's got magic tears!
We're joining the circus!
I'm gonna keep you in a cage.
(laughs)
Fun.
♪
♪ I'm bringing all my hat tricks ♪
♪ I'm using sleight of hand ♪
♪ Bounce back like I'm elastic ♪
♪ I feel good, I'm feeling grand ♪
♪ in the spotlight, in the spotlight ♪
♪ Make the stars shine ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ I got the magic ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm the best ♪
♪ In the pack ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Sal: Attention, staff. Hoo-hoo. That is owl.
07x02 - One Million Saved
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A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.
A hospital isn't a place for lazy people. It's a place for smart people who take care of people who aren't smart enough to keep themselves healthy. So begins Childrens Hospital, an all-new series that follows the lives, loves and laughs of a hospital staff.