02x03 - Sports

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Poppy and Georgie Carlton are back.

Reporting live for "News Today," I'm Nerissa Knight at a private airport in California, where English aristocrats Poppy and Georgie Carlton have arrived on U.S. soil.

Narrator: The royal siblings, 78th and 79th in line to the English throne...

How do you do? I'm Poppy.

Hello. Lisa Vanderpump.

Narrator: ...are still being followed 24 hours a day by a documentary crew.

Georgie, we share a common name.

Yes.

And this time, they're joining the ranks of the Internet generation...

Hello. Investigative journalist Poppy Carlton here.

Narrator: ...filming themselves as they embark on a cultural tour across the United States...

Are you ready?

Three...

No, I'll do it. I want to do it.

Three, two, one. Record.

Narrator: ...as they investigate the subjects that define American life today.

What's wrong with just a nice country drive?

Are you claustrophobic?

I don't mind them. Our Uncle Humphrey, he's one, and I've got no problem with him.

Um, um, Uncle Humphrey?

This is fun!

So why are you here in the United States?

Well, we know that Americans are buggers for a bit of sport.

So we're here to learn about it.

I think it's a bit unfair that you're allowed to wear a helmet during American football.

You need a bit of brain trauma to knock out any mucky bra thoughts.

That is what Nanny always said.

Narrator: Poppy and Georgie Carlton are traveling around the United States, investigating an American obsession...

Sports.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. What...

Poppy, you don't need to start with, "excuse me."

Okay. So I'll forget, "excuse me."

What tool... what does...

What's your top...

What do you... What's your favorite sport?

Wait. What's that?

How do you do? I'm Poppy.

Poppy?

Poppy.

Poppy. I'm Logan.

Poppy.

Poppy.

Poppy.

Poppy.

Poppy.

It's the accent.

Is drag racing your favorite sport?

Yes, it is.

Do you think anyone's ever burped or farted during?

Oh, yeah, all the time.

[GASPS]

All the time.

That is a crime in admission.

Listen close. [FARTS]

Ew. He just farted.

Georgie?

Yeah?

I'm really excited to set up my YouTube channel.

And the thing is, television is a dying art form, whereas what we're doing, and what you're doing especially, is you're getting in.

You're not being a little rat on a sinking ship.

You're getting onto the Internet, and you're doing things on the Internet.

That's where the women do their best work, on the Internet.

Narrator: Poppy and Georgie are being thrown in at the deep end, appearing as guests on a popular television sports show hosted by broadcaster and sporting expert Rock Reilly.

Coming out to you in three, two, one.

Mic cue.

Well, welcome to a special edition of "Press Box."

Let me welcome in Georgie and the one, the only, Poppy Carlton.

Uh, they are siblings.

They are traveling around the United States and, uh, just seeing how we do things in...

In the world of sports.

All right, guys.

Let's get a perspective here from our audience.

Let's start with American football.

Um, every year, the NFL...

Sorry. Could you slow down?

'Cause you're just doing lingo, terminology.

Oh, is it too fast for you, Poppy?

Sir, we don't know what the NFL...

Oh, okay. Go slower for Poppy.

We know someone whose initials are "NFL."

Who would that be?

He's Nathaniel Felix Loughborough.

Okay. How it goes here in America, usually, just follow my lead.

And, uh, we want to hear from you, but I want to get to some of our subjects and see what you think.

Oh, okay.

Very good, Poppy.

Nathaniel does play sports.

Oh, he does. He does.

Okay, tell me.

The NFL commissioner is trying to put possibly a team long-term in England.

Do you think it would ever work?

I think we'd enjoy American sports more if there was less protection worn because, in American football, for example, there's helmets, there's big pads.

And you just think, "if you enjoy the sport, just get stuck in."

For instance, in cricket, we might wear a little bit of protection, maybe a... A box on the front or a cup, I think you might call it, to protect.

Uh-huh.

Now, I've started wearing one around the back as well 'cause I've seen an incident, an awful incident, where the reverend in our local game, the, uh, ball bounced up and hit him in the anus.

Yeah.

All right. Well, you know what?

It looks to me like our...

Our guests here, the Carltons, are not fans of the NFL, so let's move on.

We love Nathaniel.

You love Nathaniel.

I don't. He really talks too much.

You know when you're trying to get a word in edgewise, and someone won't be quiet?

Nathaniel's always just talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking.

Narrator: To guide them through all aspects of sports in the United States, Poppy and Georgie are sitting down with legendary American basketball player Dennis Rodman.

Thank you for coming.

Take a seat, please.

Should've got a bigger couch.

Yeah, it's really comfortable.

It's intimate.

Is anyone filming me?

No, Georgie.

Right here. You're right there.

Okay.

Hello, and welcome to "Poppy Culture."

And Georgie.

I'm sitting here with Dennis Rodman.

And we're talking about sport.

And Georgie.

Narrator: First off, they ask Mr. Rodman about the role of the mascot.

What are your thoughts on mascots?

Are they helpful or distracting?

Uh, man, when I played, they didn't bother me at all.

I mean, I used to things, um...

I used to do the craziest things to players on the other team.

You know, I used to...

I used to bring, like, drag queens, transvestites, [BLEEP] like that and put 'em on the bench, I mean, put 'em on the front row and have 'em spread their legs like this.

And guys like, "Oh, hell. Come on."

In the middle of the game?

In the middle of the game.

Must have looked like the substitutes bench.

Narrator: The team mascot is an important part of sports culture in the United States.

Poppy and Georgie have been invited to a college basketball game to experience the institution up close.

Oh.

Poppy? George?

Hello. Yeah.

Welcome.

Let me be one of the first to welcome you to Barry University.

Thank you very much.

Tonight, I hear you guys want to learn a little bit more about mascots.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What we're gonna do... We're gonna learn what it takes to be a mascot and learn more about, um, our mascot...

Wow.

Oh, wow. Look at that.

Bucky the parrot.

Bucky the pirate parrot.

The buccaneer. The buccaneer, not a pirate.

Oh. Why buccaneer and not a pirate?

Well, pirate's, you know, kind of a very negative connotation.

Murderers and...

Violent connotation.

Yeah. We don't want to associate with those pirates.

But we have been trained by some of the other, uh, big-name mascots down here in South Florida.

You guys familiar with the, uh, Miami Heat?

Yeah, it was very warm today.

But it was humid.

A basketball team. You guys know much about basketball?

Not really.

Well, he's been trained...

Cricket.

Cricket?

We do not have a cricket team here at Barry university.

Lacrosse?

Not lacrosse at... We have a baseball team.

So when you put on the helmet, it's going to be very dark inside.

Yeah.

You actually won't see through the eyes.

You're going to be seeing right through the mouth.

All right. Ready?

Okay. Good-bye, everyone.

Wish me luck. Well...

Little bit of information for everyone...

It stinks in here.

Can I do you a joke, please?

I've just come up with it off the top of my head.

Okay. What's the sport that you can put on the front of your bicycle because its got a basket?

What's the sport?

Basketball!

[GIGGLING] You can put it in a basket.

Narrator: Courtside, Georgie makes his appearance as Bucky.

Georgie: High... high five. Is that how you say it?

High five. Sti... stick it up.

Stick it up top, rather. No? Right.

[BUZZER]

Narrator: During the halftime interval, it's time for Georgie's routine with the team's cheerleaders.

♪♪

Georgie: Hello? Could you help me, please?

I feel ill. I feel a bit fuzzy-headed.

Oh, dear.

Georgie, are you okay?

Can I open my mouth? It's too warm.

Can I open my mouth? Thank you.

Get on your knees so we can get upstairs, all right?

Poppy, it smells like old balls.

Oh, God. Take my head off.

It was really, really hot out there for the little boy in the bird, Georgie, poor thing.

And it absolutely stinks like a gentleman's crotch.

Or lady's. I'm not sexist.

Narrator: Poppy and Georgie Carlton are traveling the length and breadth of the United States to investigate the subject of sports.

Sexism, of course, is such a big problem in sport.

Really?

Yeah, I've really experienced it firsthand.

I always said I shouldn't have to do P.E. when it was my witching time.

Yeah.

I just needed to sit down and gossip.

Narrator: Poppy and Georgie are making a royal appearance at a Southern race track to find out more about American drag racing.

I hope you win.

Man: Round number one. Lanes one, two, three and four.

Still the number to b*at... Mr. Wayne Henry.

What's wrong with just a nice country drive?

Hello.

How you doing? Stevie Ray Brightbill.

How do you do?

I'm the general manager.

Hello. I'm Georgie.

No problem.

Pleasure to meet you.

Same here.

Is everyone here in the South a racer?

'Cause you hear that there's a lot of...

Yeah. They're either a racer, or they're with a racer.

Poppy: That confederate flag.

Yeah, you hear a lot about racism in the South.

It's everywheres.

Yeah.

Is it even in the north?

Uh, yes.

Even, like Maryland, Pennsylvania.

You get races up there?

Yes. Canada. Canada's big-time.

It's all in good fun.

Just a bit of fun?

Right.

Box. Final time trial.

Need you to the lanes. This is your final call.

Narrator: For another perspective on racing, Poppy and Georgie have come to meet today's commentator, Ryan.

I'm a racer myself.

Oh, really?

Yes.

So how fast do you go in a car?

Uh, my car to the 1/4 mile goes 10 seconds at 130.

Oh, we... we don't do it like that in England.

No.

We do, like, 70 Miles an hour.

50 Miles an hour.

Yeah.

40 Miles an hour.

If it was going 40 Miles an hour, we would say 40 Miles an hour.

70, I thought. 70 Miles an hour.

We tend to race, uh, we race little sort of quad bikes...

Yeah.

Where we are from.

Me and my friend Duffy will get on our quad bike, and we'll just say, "Right.

Last one to the pear tree is just a massive [BLEEP]."

And then, that's...

We do the same thing when we're intoxicated.

Oh, that's nice, very nice.

And could we maybe have a quick go, could we?

Yeah. No problem. Here you go.

It's on.

Testing! Testing! One, two, three.

Hello. Georgie Carlton here.

Okay, here we go. The race is gonna start.

One of them's in a Ford.

And one of them's in a big, sort of long, puffy thing.

Uh, are they both men today, Ryan?

Yes.

Good. That should be safe then.

Both men driving. No crashes, no traffic.

Uh, so here we go. We're... oh.

That one's gone a little bit faster.

Oh, yes. He's pulled ahead.

The blue one has pulled ahead, the blue one on there, on that side.

And he's won.

And he's won. And he'll be very happy.

He'll be going home to his wife and children, assuming he does have some.

Might be a gentleman who likes other gentlemen, but...

Narrator: Leaving drag racing behind, Poppy and Georgie are back with Mr. Rodman, discussing baseball apparel.

Poppy: Do you know what?

I can't take a man seriously if he's wearing leggings.

Well, you know, they used to wear to...

Up to their knees, you know?

Okay, football, they got the... the...

The... the pants here, and they got the sock all the way up here.

Yeah.

So I see you shave, right?

Yeah.

Okay. There you go.

There you go.

What's your point?

No point. I'm just saying.

You're just pointing it out.

It was just smooth.

That's lucky. She only did that today.

'Cause I'm a lady.

She said, "I've got to go and shave my legs for Dennis Rodman."

Need to go to the spa.

Don't embarrass me. But I did, yeah.

I shaved as well, but that's not relevant.

Mm.

Narrator: Poppy and Georgie have come to a local park to immerse themselves in the latest sports craze sweeping the country.

Hello.

How do you do? I'm Poppy.

Narrator: They're meeting with the mission blues Quidditch team.

Poppy: What is Quidditch?

We heard that it's from a book, "Harry Potter."

But it's been adapted so we can play in real life.

So, in the books, there are wizards and witches, and they fly around on broomsticks.

We obviously can't fly yet.

Um, so we run around with brooms.

It's more like a combination of basketball, rugby, and dodgeball.

I like rugby players.

They're really dishy, dish-a-Rooney.

Well, thank you. [LAUGHS]

I said rugby.

So there's one seeker on each team, and their job is to chase after the snitch.

And if they pull the flag, the game is over, and their team gets 30 points.

Okay. Shall we get started?

Yeah. Let's do it.

We're gonna start with warm-ups.

And then we'll do some drills.

So right leg, left arm like that.

And then, switch.

Our grandfather used to do a walk like that.

But it got him in trouble.

For newer people, what you should focus on is staying on your broom.

So you've got to just run with this like...

Josh, I've found a good way of...

That's if you...

I'm using my eggs to trap the...

Yeah. Yeah, that's perfectly fine.

If I swing it to one side, then it all traps everything.

Okay. Cool.

So we're gonna divide into teams.

Uh, let's do six on six to start.

That's one keeper, three chasers, two beaters.

And, Poppy, you'll be helping out our ref.

Do you feel ready, Poppy? Does Poppy get a whistle?

Uh, general... I... If you want one.

You generally don't need one as an assistant ref.

It would be good. I think Poppy should have a whistle.

A really good whistle. Is it clean?

It's pretty clean. And it's most...

I mean, I use it a lot.

I don't...

That means no, Martin.

Ready! Brooms up!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

The one thing I just say is try to stay a bit away from me, just because if...

It's best if I have a different angle on what's going on than you do.

Oh, sorry, Martin.

No, it's totally fine.

Clear.

A bit confusing.

Clear.

b*at.

b*at.

Clear.

Clear.

This feels a bit odd having this on here.

Oh, yeah. It's gonna feel weird.

Martin: You okay?

My watch fell off!

Everyone, stop.

It's a bit broken, Martin. It was an antique.

I'll just put it in my pocket. I'll make sure it's okay.

Careful. Our grandfather stole that.

Yep.

Bet you'd like a touch of this, boys.

Poppy: Don't anybody hurt Georgie, he's a nice boy.

And very clever.

Georgie, tuck yourself in mangina.

There's a boy behind you!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Martin: Good catch. Everything look...

Everything look clean?

They were cheating.

How did they cheat?

Well, he grab...

They were going for my brother's crotch.

It was like the two P.E. teachers in my dormitory.

Well, they're not supposed to actually make contact.

So as long... was there any actual contact with...

With... Martin, with my sausage and eggs.

Illegal contact.

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

I can't believe this lasted 4 years in Auschwitz, and it doesn't even last a full game of Quidditch.

Narrator: Royal-siblings-turned-globetrotting-online-commentators Poppy and Georgie Carlton have been touring the United States, participating in some of the nation's most popular sporting activities.

Dennis Rodman has been acting as their guide throughout.

Who is your sporting hero and why?

I don't have one.

And why?

Well, I just never looked up to anybody like that.

I really like, um... there's a man who plays badminton in England called Christopher Foggington.

He's known as the bad boy of badminton.

He'll burp in front of the umpire, that sort of thing.

I'm embarrassed to say this, but when I was growing up, when I was just coming of age, you know, I had a picture of Christopher Foggington winking.

It made me smile where it counts because he's outrageous.

Well, I don't know why you... What you call outrageous.

I mean, to today's world, what is outrageous?

My friend Duffy squat and did a [BLEEP] on a bus once.

Georgie!

He did.

We were talking about outrageous things.

Why was he on a bus?

Narrator: The time has come for Poppy and Georgie to throw themselves into the nation's biggest sport.

Man: Go! Go!

We're here to play the game American football, which is a little bit like a confused version of the English game of rugby, except they wear helmets, and there's more black people.

And hopefully, their wives are a little bit less common.

Yo! A.S.A.!

Yo!

A.S.A.!

Yo!

A.S.A.!

Yo!

Hello. Georgie.

A pleasure to meet... A pleasure to meet you.

How do you do? Poppy.

Hello.

Nice meeting you.

Thank you.

Take a knee, fellas.

Take a knee. Take a knee.

Oh, there's no need for this.

I've never had this even from one person.

There's no need for all of this. You don't need to kneel.

For you.

Thank you.

In America, they always put their caps on back to front.

Does that work?

No, it looks cooler.

It looks really cool.

She said it looks cool.

Narrator: Kitted out in protective helmets and pads, Poppy and Georgie get onto the field to show the Americans what they're made of.

Whoo!

Yay!

Let's go. Whoo.

This is fun!

You want to put that down? You want to put that down?

She's much... She feels much more confident having the handbag with her.

So when you throw the ball, you're gonna get the nice spin.

Coach ponce, it's a bit like our...

Our Uncle Humphrey always goes, "Ooh, hello."

No, nothing like that.

Nothing like that.

We're gonna show you our American football.

It's 11 on 11. Okay?

22?

22. Yes, correct.

If you add 'em up, yeah.

Yes. 11 on offense. 11 on defense.

Once we get into what we call the red zone, inside the... almost close to the touchdown...

The red zone is what we say when Poppy's on her time to steer clear of her.

We say, "Poppy's in the red zone."

That time once a month.

Or every week if i have to do sports at school.

Yes. That would be the red zone.

We call it the season of the witch, as well.

The season of the witch.

Oh, dear.

Ooh!

Let's go. Let's go, man. Come on!

Okay. Please, stop hitting me.

Coach.

Yes, sir?

One of them keeps hitting me on the head.

Oh, it's a celebration in football.

Is that okay?

Yeah.

He keeps... he keeps... I don't mean to be a tattletale, but he keeps bumping me on the head.

Yeah, you like tattletaling. That's not good.

You got to put that down.

Put that down.

Sweep right. Sweep right.

Poppy: Go, Georgie! That's my brother!

Yay!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

You scored, Georgie.

Man: Georgie, how does this compare to rugby at home?

Um, it's a bit louder.

It's a bit less polite.

And nobody's... nobody's trying to put each other off by grabbing their downstairs.

Wow. That's what you guys do in rugby?

Yeah.

No, we don't do that, sir.

And it doesn't have to be a violent thing.

You can just reach over and touch the end and run off.