02x04 - Romance

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Poppy and Georgie Carlton are back.

Reporting live for "News Today", I am Nerissa Knight at a private airport in California where English aristocrats Poppy and Georgie Carlton have arrived on U.S. soil.

Narrator: The royal siblings...

80th and 81st in line to the English throne...

I'm Poppy.

Hello, Lisa Vanderpump.

...are still being followed 24 hours a day by a documentary crew.

Georgie, we share a common name.

Yes.

And this time, they're joining the ranks of the Internet generation.

Hello, investigative journalist Poppy Carlton here.

Narrator: ...filming themselves as they embark on a cultural tour across the United States.

Are you ready?

3, 2...

No, I'll do it. I want to do it.

3, 2, 1... record.

Narrator: As they investigate the subjects that define American life today.

Is this going well so far, the date?

Um...

I now pronounce you...

Husband and wife.

Husband and wife.

So, why are you here in the United States?

We've got love on the brain and have come to investigate American affairs of the heart.

Oh, I left my teddy on the plane.

Don't worry, I'm coming!

Narrator: Aspiring online commentators Poppy and Georgie Carlton are in the United States of America investigating attitudes to romance.

Congratulations.

You're watching Poppy Carlton's channel, "Poppy Culture."

Today, we're going to be finding out all of the facts about love.

What is love?

Confusing.

I think it's what you make of it.

Okay.

What's the most romantic thing you've ever done?

Sorry, if you could answer quick.

It's just the microphone's quite heavy.

What's first base?

First base? Holding hands.

First base is cuddling.

And what's second base?

Probably, uh, the breast.

Third base?

Third base is more like a home run.

I went on the YouTube yesterday.

Did you?

And there's no videos on dating or romance.

I looked for the videos.

Look about, Georgie.

Has anyone ever put dating and Internet together?

Oh.

Good idea.

Narrator: To learn more about romance, they have enlisted the help of Tara, a dating coach, to give Georgie some guidance on a mock date.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello. Pleasure to meet you.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

There's only two seats.

Okay.

I'm not sure if she's gonna join us at the table.

Yeah.

I'd like Poppy to be here.

Yeah, I think it'd be a bit weird if I wasn't here.

Excuse me?

Could... my sister's on this, as well, so could we maybe put another seat there for my sister, Poppy?

Thank you.

Sorry, Tara.

That's better, isn't it?

Oh.

So, how would we start this?

Just pretend like I'm somebody that you're going on a date with.

A first date.

Yeah.

I'm there, as well, but I'm also there.

Yeah, she's there for moral support.

So, tell me about yourself.

I'm Georgie.

I live in Thetford in Norfolk.

Mm-hmm.

I have six dogs.

Wow.

This is my sister, Poppy.

Hello, my name's Poppy.

No, I'm...

I live in Thetford, as well, but I spend a lot of time in London.

I'm an aries.

I love going out with my friends, relaxing, music, dancing.

[LAUGHS] It's probably a little too much information.

From the sister on the date?

Well, yeah, and you don't want to give out that much.

And is this going well so far, the date?

Uh-huh.

How many out of 10?

Um, maybe a 6.

Average.

Why only average, Tara, if you don't mind me asking.

Well, it's a little awkward.

I would just say, like, being on a date with a sister, it's a little distracting.

I think it's fun because we're brother and sister, and we're like a team, me and Poppy.

We're always having fun. We fool around a lot, so...

As brother and sister, just joking and laughing?

Yeah, fooling around. We call it fooling around.

Okay. Yeah, you don't want to say that in America, 'cause they may think you guys are doing something that you shouldn't be.

Yeah, you just say, "I'm having fun."

Fooling around.

Yeah, no, not fooling around.

Is there a good way to combat nerves before a date?

Yeah, maybe having like a glass of wine.

Our family has very addictive personalities.

Oh. Okay.

I am quite good with tricks.

What kind of tricks do you do?

Do you know the tablecloth trick?

Let's not do that one, no.

I'm really good at it.

No, let's not.

No. No, don't do it, don't.

Is that not good for a date?

No, unh-unh.

It's really good.

Is it?

Yeah, because you don't think he'll do it, and he does it.

I'm highly suggesting against it, but...

Okay.

This'll impress you, honestly.

I've got a special technique when it comes to it.

Because a lot of people, they say you've got to do it quickly, but I'm a bit different.

I do it very slowly.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't think that's gonna work.

You think it won't work, and it will.

But it will. Wait till you see this.

[CLATTERING] Oh, yeah.

Um, that's not working.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

And...

I've never actually done it with stuff on the table before.

Oh, yeah, uh-huh. That could be why.

So, what out of 10 would...

Yeah, yeah, maybe a 1. All right.

Lovely to meet you.

Well, it was... It was nice to meet you.

And do you come for a kiss now?

No, no, not on a mock date, no.

I can give you a hug. How about that?

Narrator: Acting as their guide to all aspects of romance is American actor Michael Urie.

Hello, I'm Poppy Carlton, and before I forget, that's Georgie.

Anyway, I'm here today with notorious ladies' man and lothario Michael urie.

[LAUGHS]

Keep your hands to yourself, Michael.

Well.

Narrator: Poppy and Georgie begin by quizzing him about his romantic past.

Michael, you've famously had a lot of women.

What advice do you have for me?

Um...

I, um...

Well, I actually... I famously haven't had a lot of women.

Are you settled down now?

I am, but not with a woman, with a gentleman.

Oh! Oh!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That's going to be...

We know about that.

How many questions does that rule out?

Well, I'll just have to change them on the hoof, really.

Man: Yes, keep going, yes.

Poppy: Are you 100% sure you just haven't met the right woman yet?

Um...

I... I mean, I...

That's... of course, that's possible.

Right now, I don't see that happening.

I'm very much in love with Ryan, devoted.

Let me tell you, if Poppy decided, you wouldn't stand much of a chance.

Yeah, if I wanted, I could.

Narrator: A classic method of seduction is the art of poetry.

Love is what make brave men strong and weak men crumble.

Narrator: To learn more, Poppy and Georgie are attending a poetry evening, where Poppy plans to perform her own composition.

Man: We have some people who came from a very, very far place to hit the stage.

This is actually her first time performing.

Y'all put your hands together for Poppy.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Georgie: Go, Poppy!

My name's Poppy, Poppy Carlton.

Yes, this is my first time, and that's relevant.

What is love?

From above?

Is it dove?

No, it's love.

He was [BLEEP] and I was soft.

Bonnie and Clyde, Lara Croft.

Poppy Carlton, not a charlatan.

Hugo Frogsworth, Mr. Frogsworth.

Makes me blush, turn to mush.

Feeling it there, touching me there.

Man: Ohh, whoo!

Is this legal?

Feels so regal.

Will it hurt?

Surprise [BLEEP].

[CHEERING]

Pleasure and pain, sun and rain.

Mostly pain, I was so young.

Narrator: Intrepid cultural commentators Poppy and Georgie Carlton are in the USA learning everything they can about romance.

Poppy: He was [BLEEP], I was soft.

Bonnie and Clyde, Lara Croft.

Narrator: Back with Michael Urie, they're attempting to get answers to the important questions.

What we noticed in America is there's different sorts of lingo and language when it comes to dating.

Oh.

We didn't really understand, so we're hoping you could talk us through some of that.

The base system.

First base is kissing.

Second base is fondling.

Between second and third base, you might say, is pleasure...

Um...

When you would pleasure each other's privates.

And then, by third base... Third base is really the...

You know, when you get your mouth involved.

But you're already kissing them.

In other places besides the mouth.

I'm sorry.

Not just each other's mouths, but you would get...

So that would be third base.

And then, if beyond third base, if you go beyond the third base, then you have intercourse.

That's the score. That's home base.

Narrator: Having learned a great deal about dating and interaction with the opposite sex, Poppy and Georgie now intend to find out more about the physical side of American romance.

We're here today to learn about tantric s-e-x, which stands for tantric sex, which is basically all of the naughty business without any touching.

I think it sounds much better, actually, and if I can still read a magazine during, then all the better.

Hello.

Hello, welcome, come on in.

Poppy and Georgie are meeting goddess Celeste, an intimacy and tantric sex coach.

It's about honoring each other's souls, so this is conscious lovemaking, okay?

Why is conscious lovemaking better than unconscious lovemaking?

Like at parties and stuff?

Do you both have to be conscious, or can one person be conscious for the lovemaking, and someone else be unconscious?

I would say they both need to be conscious within it.

'Cause I wouldn't mind unconscious lovemaking 'cause then you can just get it over with.

You wouldn't even know.

I know, but you know what?

This is so much more rewarding.

Narrator: Back in the treatment room, Poppy and Georgie are ready for their lesson.

Basically, you sit right here.

Go ahead, and you can sit right here and...

What if I squash your [BLEEP]?

Basically, I need to lose 1 1/2 pounds.

You don't have to lose anything.

You're beautiful.

Thank you.

Okay, so go ahead, and and you can wrap your legs around me.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Yeah.

So you just sit... okay.

So, I would be, you know, your lover.

Yeah.

And then what you'll do is you're gonna bring yourself and put your hand back here on the base of the...

Like a little koala on a tree.

Uh-huh. And as you breathe in and out, you visualize and shift energy up, right up.

I've got mixed feelings about this scenario.

You see?

Can I ask a question?

Mm-hmm.

At this point, would the gentleman's...

Would the gentleman's...

Have an erection?

This is not about his...

I wouldn't put it like that, but that's what I was driving at with the fish and chips would be on the plate.

Yeah, no, they would not.

The fish and chips are not on the plate at this point.

So, you're very comfortable, so see?

Yeah.

How do you feel?

Really nice. It's the best I've ever had.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Okay, so again, you're gonna sit there, okay, and your lover would... Are you okay?

Yeah.

Okay, and they're gonna wrap their feet...

There we are, yep.

Mm-hmm.

I don't even know your surname.

See? You're starting to relax.

There you go.

Are you okay?

It's difficult to relax when your sister is watching you.

Okay, just...

Are you not in danger, as a lady, if you do this, to come across as a bit of a tease?

I'm a really spiritual person, so I was really, really good at that, and I will confidently say that I will never orgasm again.

Sorry, Poppy, I'm just having to concentrate quite a lot.

I don't know how long I'm still supposed to be holding it in for.

When we used to go away camping now and again, I'd 69 with you, I'd 69 with mother, I'd 69 with father now and again.

69 with nanny, and on school trips, I'd 69 with Duffy.

If I can't 69 with my own brother growing up, who can I 69 with?

Yeah, exactly.

Hello.

Hi, there.

Narrator: As a royal, Poppy is unfamiliar with approaching people in public.

She is meeting Dan Silverman, who will provide her with some tips on how to meet potential suitors in everyday life.

Oh, my gosh. So, I have to say, "Hello, how are you? My name's Poppy"?

Yes, and smile.

Maybe I should go over and say "My sister's interested in you."

No, you're gonna do this the way the Americans do it.

Excuse me!

Oh, my God.

Now, will you go and get him?

Excuse me?

My sister was interested in speaking to you.

Sorry, I'm not from here.

You're not from here? Where are you from?

Austria.

Poppy!

Yeah?

He was foreign.

Oh, gosh. Close escape.

I'd like you to take the initiative and do the approach.

You'll find that you'll get much more accomplished when you're the one that does it.

Hello, how do you do?

Good morning.

My name's Poppy.

You're Poppy?

So, would one of you go out with me?

Oh, of course. But he is my husband.

What do you mean?

Georgie: This gentleman here, Poppy.

Stop him. I'm not doing it.

Excuse me! Please stop.

Hello. How do you do?

My name's Poppy. I just sort of tried to come over.

It's a fine action. My name's Ned.

Georgie: Do you come from a good family?

I'd like to think so.

How far can you trace your family tree back?

Let's see. Mayflower.

They were the Mary Lyons and...

I've never heard of any of those people.

Yeah, I didn't really think so.

Mayflower?

Dan: You've never heard of the Mayflower?

The ship?

So, what do I do now, Dan?

Dan: So, if you're interested in seeing him again, then you should offer to exchange numbers.

Do you want to exchange numbers?

Yeah, sure.

Yay!

Well done. It's absolutely marvelous.

I think Poppy's done really, really well.

It's great that she's finally gone for a swim in the dating pool, and I have to say, I think she'll be sopping wet by the time the sun goes down.

Hello!

Narrator: Poppy and Georgie Carlton are in the United States of America, finding out all they can about the subject of romance.

I've got mixed feelings about this scenario.

The royal siblings have one final question for their guide, Michael Urie.

What's the most romantic thing you've ever done, Michael?

Oh, um...

My partner, Ryan, and I were in London in 2010.

We took a photo on the Millennium bridge, gazing into each other's eyes lovingly, and then, five years later, we were on the same bridge, and we took the same photo again.

Is gazing when...

Is that a code for something?

No, it's not a gay thing.

Gazing is...

We were looking into each other's eyes lovingly.

Anyone can do that.

Yeah, anybody can do that. You don't have to be gay.

Gaying, that might... That... that would be...

So, if you were on the bridge gaying into each other's eyes...

Yeah, we'd probably be asked to stop.

I always thought Auntie Esther was a lesbian because she lived her whole life with Brenda, her friend, Brenda.

Turns out, they were just friends.

They both just really happened to like hiking and fannies.

Narrator: A wedding is the greatest expression of romance, and Poppy and Georgie have an opportunity to assist one happy couple on their big day.

We've come to this lovely little chapel to officiate the wedding of Stacy and Craig.

Who knew that Georgie and I could marry people?

They have been asked to officiate the nuptials of a local Louisiana couple.

Before the ceremony begins, Poppy and Georgie introduce themselves to the groom.

Lovely to meet you. This is my sister, Poppy.

How do you do? I'm Poppy.

Pleased to meet you.

I hear the bride will be arrmng on a horse.

Yes.

Why... why a horse?

Well, that's something she's always wanted.

Narrator: Soon, Stacy makes her grand entrance, and Poppy and Georgie take their place to begin the service.

I'm sure you all know what a wonderful person Stacy is.

Even her chosen career shows her nurturing, caring side, working with sick animals.

We have much less patience for that sort of thing in England.

We have a grounds keeper, Perkus.

If he sees a goose with a limp, he'll finish it off straightaway, so it's lovely to meet such a caring person as Stacy.

Craig, what can we say about Craig?

Well, I can't say much because I only just met him a few minutes ago, but you remind me of this man in our village who runs the bike shop, and he's absolutely lovely.

He's the kindest, sweetest man.

His name's Martin. Can't do enough for anyone.

I would like to say a few words, if you don't mind.

We have a tradition of very long and unhappy marriages in our family.

From our parents, who were together until the day Father accidentally sh*t himself in the face, to our Uncle Humphrey, who's been happily married to his partner, Graham Banks, for over three months now.

And the Carlton-Banks is absolutely ecstatic to be spending their life together.

No one can deny that Craig and Stacy are possibly damaged goods.

Our wonderful Princess Diana is a perfect example of getting it somewhat right second time round, God rest her pretty soul.

I know that Stacy and Craig met in middle school, which I think is very lovely.

Although you didn't fully get together then, it goes without saying that Craig was probably absolutely obsessed with Stacy since then.

I know this because it reminds me of Hugo.

He was my ex-boyfriend. He was obsessed with me.

He did actually go off with someone else, this horrible girl called Tabitha in the end.

But I know that he's gonna come crawling back because of all my really fun posts on Instagram, and also, I've got my own TV show.

I wish Stacy and Craig every happiness, and suffice to say, we're very glad to be able to share this wonderful day with them and this horse.

Now, this is the official bit.

Quite exciting.

According to the authority vested in us by the state of Louisiana and the parish of Orleans, but most of all, by the power of your own love, I now pronounce you...

Husband and wife.

Husband and wife.