02x09 - Battle of the Three Armies

[bunniefuu]

[Bells jingling, bird cries]

[Clears throat]

♪ The plot is gaining steam ♪
♪ So back to this old theme ♪
♪ Here's what's been happening on "Galavant" ♪
♪ When we saw Izzy last ♪
♪ This guy had been outcast ♪
♪ He vowed revenge and fled to Madalena ♪
♪ He brought to her palais ♪
♪ The dark, dark evil way... ♪
♪ Gareth's against it, but the queen's insaner ♪
♪ Will she use it and go overboard? ♪
♪ Not if the man who wields this sword stands tall ♪
♪ The hero that they call the one true king of all ♪
♪ Which brings us back to Galavant ♪
♪ And our hero plows ahead, his army's kinda dead ♪
♪ And yet, his energy is far from flaggin' ♪
♪ King Richard rides with Gal ♪
♪ Bringing his lizard pal ♪
♪ Which may or may not be a real, live dragon ♪
♪ Plus, he's got the sword ♪
♪ Which you'll recall means ♪
♪ He's the king who'll rule them all ♪

And so!

♪ To w*r three armies go ♪
♪ One evil, one so-so ♪
♪ One dead and led by Galava-a-a-nt ♪
♪ Will Richard k*ll his former best friend ♪
♪ Who stole queen and crown and made him look buffoony? ♪
♪ Can Gal still win back the princess again? ♪

True... they're more than likely through.

♪ Unless he can re-do that really awful smooch-a-roony ♪
♪ And Sid is who-knows-where ♪
♪ Him and his awesome hair ♪
♪ Seeking redemption for a little while ♪
♪ And Roberta's said goodbye ♪
♪ Since Richard's sure to die ♪
♪ And now she's on her way to Spinster Island ♪
♪ Gosh, so much to dump upon your doormat ♪
♪ In our half-hour sitcom format ♪
♪ Still, there's plot holes we must fill ♪
♪ And though I doubt we will ♪
♪ We're gonna try on "Galava-a-a-a-a-nt" ♪

[Bell jingles]

[Horse snorts]

[Wind blowing]

[Applause]

Oh, thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Here all week... Unless I die. Thank you. Thank you very much.

I got to admit... The boy can sing.

Galavant - S02E09
Battle of the Three Armies

[applause continues]

Okay, cut it.

The recap song's over.

It's time for w*r!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yes. w*r indeed.

Shall we retire to the royal viewing area?

It's up the hill a pace, safe from the fighting.

And they've got cookies.

Oh! Yes, please. [Laughs]

Hold on a minute. What... What do you mean, viewing area?

I thought we were gonna fight!

I know, but Mr. Wormwood had that cool skybox made, and we are king and queen, which means technically we should...

Your eyes are doing that thing again.

What? Don't be crazy. No, they're not.

I didn't see anything. Did you?

[Horse grunts]

Let's go.

Wow.

There's a lot of them.

Yeah, as a former king who once led armies into battle, I must officially say we are knee-deep in poopie-ka-ka.

Thanks, dad. That's helpful.

No problem.

Actually, I think I've come up with a plan that could turn this whole thing in our favor.

Well, tell me what it is, Jester.

We b*at them to the punch.

We k*ll ourselves before they k*ll us.

It's sure to ruin their morale.

If only I were alive to see the looks on their faces.

[Army murmuring]

[Clicks tongue]

Good people of Hortensia, it is true the Valencians have three to our every one.

And you are right to worry because how can so few of us dig the graves of so many of them?!

[Army cheering]

She twisted it.

If you want to leave, leave now.

I will not mind, for it will leave more glory for the rest of us!

[Army cheering]

She twisted it again!

Arise, Hortensia!

Today, we fight!

Pots shall be broken, pans shall be splintered!

Whisks shall be...

Actually, let's not use whisks.

It'll be a sore day, a red day, but a day for victory!

[Army cheering]

Victory!

Stand strong! Stand strong!

Stand strong and fight!

[Sword clacking]

Oy.

We are completely screwed.

[Heroic music plays]

[Inhales deeply]

Oh, I haven't been in a proper battle in a long time.

I'm gonna ride up just at the perfect moment in front of Isabella and save the day.

Mwah!

Yeah.

This is gonna be super fun.

[Laughs] You're gonna be fine.

[Chuckling] Oh, totally.

I know.

I'm feeling great and confident.

I-I'm just worried about Tad Cooper.

I mean, the little fellow is terrified.

Just look at him.

Richard, you can do this.

Over the last months, I've watched you transform from a boob into a real man.

And today, you're gonna transform into a warrior.

You said "boob."

Please focus.

Sorry.

All right, my friend.

If ever there was a moment for you to become the dragon that I know you are, this is it.

Breathe fire!

Okay, I'll check in with you later.

Oh, why do we need these?

Are we not doing our own stunts?

What? Of course we are.

Just to preserve the dramatic reveal.

Ah. That's a good idea.

You've obviously done this before.

♪

Okay, are we gonna start this w*r or not?

I say we wait.

In an hour, the sun will be at the perfect angle to highlight the color of the spilling blood against the golden sand.

It'll be spectacular for the royal painter.

Brilliant. Then we wait.

Okay. What's going on here?

Hmm?

This w*r was my birthday present.

It was supposed to be me and you down there k*lling people, not sitting in some luxury box eating humongous raisins.

[Scoffs] Actually, I-it's figs.

I feel something's changed.

Nothing's changed, Gareth.

Well, then, let's go down there, hack up a few folk, and go on our vacation just like we talked about.

Yeah, um, about that.

Look, Gareth, um...

Let's put off the vacation.

Just for a bit.

[Sighs]

I mean, we would have just conquered a new kingdom, and it would be impolite to leave Mr. Wormwood all by himself after he was kind enough to bring us this conflict.

Has this got something to do with that dew-dew dark magic stuff?

Actually, it's D'Dew.

Two darks... Dark-dark evil way.

Back off!

Of course not, Gareth.

I swear.

Hold the crow.

A second army approaches.

Yes, being led by some devilishly handsome hero type.

Let me see that.

Oh, God. It's Galavant!

With a weirdly large beard.

Right, that's it.

I'm gonna go down there and cause havoc just like we planned.

I hope you're gonna join me.

Right.

[Dramatic music plays]

Okay, you dogs!

To battle!

[Army cheering]

♪
♪ It's a good day to die ♪
♪ To stand and fight until we're dead ♪
♪ A good day to die ♪
♪ Though if somebody ever said, "for what?" ♪
♪ We forgot ♪
♪ So on reflection, perhaps maybe not ♪

Who is that?

Looks like they're advancing on the Valencians.

I can't tell, but they missed my song.

Maybe we ask them to wait so I can run out and sing it again.

Oh, we'll run out there, Jester.

But to fight.

Hortensians, this is our chance!

Yeah, let's do this.

I'm just gonna go and check things are locked up.

Move out!

[Army cheering]

♪ It's a good day to die ♪
♪ Though not as good as other days ♪
♪ A good day to die ♪
♪ But if there's one a little ways away ♪
♪ Well, then, hey ♪
♪ We can reschedule ♪
♪ It's more than okay ♪

Another beautiful day in the country.

Here's some potatoes for you, bae.

These have bugs. Yay! Extra protein.

[Footsteps approaching]

♪
♪ This is a day, just a day like every other ♪

Is everything okay?

[Army shouting]

♪ We've lived as best we could ♪

Looks like we have guests.

♪ And I must say, though we may not get another ♪

[Shouting continues]

♪ If I'm with you ♪
♪ Then our last will at least be good ♪

Well, at least we made it to 25.

♪ It's a good day to die ♪
♪ To spurt our blood and spill our guts ♪
♪ A good day to die ♪
♪ Good day to die ♪
♪ Out loud, it sounds completely nuts ♪
♪ But still ♪
♪ Blood will spill ♪

[Whistling]

♪ After that, it will all go downhill ♪

She doesn't want to go on vacation!

We were supposed to go zip-lining.

Who doesn't like zip-lining?

Huh?

♪ We will try not to die, but we will ♪

Aah! [Grunts]

To victory!

♪ In the meantime, I guess we can k*ll ♪

Richard, have you seen Isabella?

Aah! Aah!

♪ And we'll fight, who knows why ♪
♪ Till we say with a sigh ♪
♪ It's a go-o-o-o-o-od ♪
♪ Day to ♪
♪ Di-i-i-i-i-i-e ♪

Time out! Can we call a time out?!

[Weapons clanking]

[Armies shouting]

Isn't this amazing?

We sit here while they do our dirty work for us.

Isn't it crazy what you can talk people into doing?

Well, I thank God for the class system every day.

Mm-hmm. Me too.

[Sighs]

Oh, no.

This isn't good.

Ohh.

The sword of the one true king.

And he's down there.

And he's a god.

This is madness!

Aah! Aah!

Mm. Isabella wasn't lying.

He's on their side.

It's time... for D'Dew.

Actually, I've been having second thoughts about the dark, evil way.

Two darks... dark-dark.

Why is it so hard for people to remember?

It's just I care about Gareth, and I promised I wouldn't use it.

And he seemed super upset about the vacation.

Maybe I'll... I'll go down and help him fight.

Look. May I be blunt?

You want power. I offer it.

You want control. It's yours for the taking.

You want the whole enchilada.

It's magic hour, baby.

May I be even blunter?

Screw Gareth. He's weak.

Losers vacation. Closers use magic.

Shall we finish this thing?

Should have stayed with Roberta.

Why do I always have to be so damn heroic?

You've got a lifetime to be with Roberta!

You've got one day to be immortal.

Today, you can be...

Aah!

Isabella!

I don't want to be Isabella! I want to be me!

Where the hell are you going?!

That's one hell of a sword.

Aah! Yah!

Isabella.

I've come for you.

Galavant?

My love.

Gareth?

Richard?

Look. I know you're upset.

Okay?

I'll give you that one 'cause it's been upsetting.

Izzy, please. Can we just be done with this?

Isabella. Look.

I didn't tell you to die in a brown fart.

The truth is, all I've wanted is to come back to you.

You're the love of my life.

And if we survive this, I want to marry you.

And I want to live by the sea...

You had me at "brown fart."

Still sort of yeasty.

And a little bit musty.

But we've got a lifetime to work on it.

I know I've got a lot to apologize to you for.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's just good to see you again, my old friend.

[Horn blows]

What was that?

[Horn blows]

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa. We're on the same team.

I'm with Galavant, fighting for true love and all that?

Galavant, the undead army is turning on us!

I know. They're doing it here, too!

You can control the dead?

Oh, yes.

Not only control, but make them stronger.

Ha!

Seems Galavant has brought the wrong covered dish to the potluck dinner.

Ha!

They're kind of attacking everyone, our men included.

Well, you make a cake, you break a few eggs.

So, how do we do this?

[Fingers snap] Simple.

♪
♪ When you need a lift ♪
♪ When you're feeling low ♪
♪ When you think that things will go your way ♪
♪ Oh, there's a little gift everyone should know ♪
♪ Try it, and it's sure to make your day ♪
♪ It's called D'Dew, D'Dew, D'Dew ♪
♪ Doo D'Doo doo doo ♪
♪ It's the kind of voodoo that we few who do D'Dew do ♪
♪ It is evil? Sure, it's true ♪
♪ Still, good things ensue ♪
♪ When you do D'Dew D'Dew, D'Dew ♪

This is amazing! I want a turn!

Show me! Show me!

Ooh, relax.

♪ Keep your shoulders straight ♪

Like this?

♪ Lift your chin up high ♪

I'll try.

♪ Think of all the happy thoughts you know ♪
♪ Okay, just don't let go ♪
♪ Picture those you hate ♪

Yep.

♪ Shrieking as they die ♪

Got it.

♪ Then just snap your fingers ♪
♪ And hello ♪

Whoa.

♪ And that's the D'Dew, D'Dew, D'Dew ♪
♪ Doo, D'Doo doo doo ♪

She betrayed me.

Gareth.

Yah!

[Groans]

You've got to move! Come on!

Wormwood: ♪ well, whoop-Dee-doo ♪

Fall back, men!

♪
♪ And that's it, D'Dew, D'Dew, D'Dew ♪
♪ Do d'doo doo doo ♪
♪ Do d'doo doo doo ♪
♪ Do d'doo doo doo ♪
♪ You can say adieu to those you own an I.O.U. to ♪
♪ Any dude who you'd undo ♪
♪ Bid him toodle-oo ♪
♪ When you do D'Dew, D'Dew, D'Dew ♪
♪ Your highness, that's your cue ♪
♪ You know what to do ♪
♪ Time to use my new D'Dew doo doo ♪

[Army shouting]

Oh, my God. I can do magic!

Big day.

Yah! This way!

[Grunts]

Wait for me!

[Dramatic music plays]

[Indistinct shouting]

Let loose the leafy greens!

Get my pointy potato!

[Zombies shouting]

Oh, hey, guys. Did we win?

Madalena turned the kinda dead army against everyone.

Okay, so we're cool with all the Valencians and Gareth, then, yeah?

What's up, clown?

Hiya.

[Shouting stops]

They've stopped.

[Knock on door]

Who is it?

Madalena: It's me.

Madalena?

Don't be so dramatic. I just want to talk.

Open the gate.

Stay!

[Gate closes]

Well, what do we have here?

Galavant.

Richard.

You.

Looks like we're all together again.

How lovely.

Our story lines have been far too separated.

Come on, babe. Let's go.

You lied to me.

No, but now I've come for you so you're not k*lled like the rest of these losers.

You promised no magic.

I know, but don't you see?

With it, we're unstoppable.

We'll rule the seven realms mercilessly!

But I don't...

I don't care what you want.

Oh, my goodness.

[Bleep] is cray-cray.

I won't leave my friend.

It's one thing being a horrible human being.

It's another thing to be evil.

And I would rather die than join the dark forces.

Me too.

And me.

And me.

Right, well, no one invited you lot, but whatever.

[Sighs] Right.

Well, I wasn't going to get all sappy, but, um...

Thanks for the adventure.

Thanks for the power.

Thanks for the crown.

Thanks for the love.

And since we're all such good friends, I will give you exactly 10 seconds.

I suggest focusing all your attention on sealing [clicks tongue] that door.

Gareth... this is your last chance.

[Somber music plays]

No.

Suit yourself.

Out the way!

[Horn blows]

[Zombies shouting]

This is it.

We're going to die.

Richard, stand behind me.

I will not.

I will stand beside you.

♪
♪ It's a good day to die ♪
♪ We won't, there's one more episode ♪
♪ But still, we could die ♪
♪ We all know that's a massive load of... ♪

Right.

♪ Still, we might ♪
♪ And if we did, we will never live ever after ♪
♪ Cozy at home by the sea ♪
♪ You writing poems for our seven children ♪
♪ Frankly, I thought maybe three ♪
♪ I'll never marry Roberta and rule the kingdom ♪
♪ Loved and respected and cheered ♪
♪ Known for my fair-minded ways and my full-grown dragon ♪
♪ Also my full, flowing beard ♪

Together: ♪ It's a good day to die ♪
♪ Oh, please, this isn't "Game of Thrones" ♪
♪ We're not gonna die ♪
♪ Let's end the song and grow some stones and fight ♪
♪ Or will we leave all our viewers ♪
♪ With pain and anger ♪
♪ Just like we left them last year? ♪
♪ Could we just stop once again on a huge cliffhanger? ♪