01x05 - Soulmates

[bunniefuu]

Lee! Hey.

How you doing?

I'm all right.

Brought you your favorite.

Cup of coffee with a dash of Codeine?

All right.

Yep, one “nap-puccino” foaming at the mouth.

(laughs) So how's the angeling going, huh?

Ah, my human is he easiest gig in town.

She eats right, puts family before work, and that body is fun o watch over.

So what's on your agenda for today, huh?

Nothing much, just watching over Tricia, making sure that old tree branch hat she insists on doing yoga under doesn't fall on her beautiful tight body.

Getting a little pervy there, Lee.

(laughing): And that's coming from me.

How about you?

Oh, I got big things happening.

I've almost got Allison o the point where she feels comfortable being single.

Really?!

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's huge.

Your girl is such a serial monogamist.

I know, right?

And she has one final test today.

She has to RSVP that she's going alone o a friend's engagement party.

But after that, man, we're in the clear.

Well, that's great.

And then you can focus on all her other issues.

Oh, you got that right.

Next up, a little lesson I like to call “being okay looking stupid.”

Well, well, that's right in your wheelhouse, huh?

How are you gonna do it?

Taking her roller-skating.

Hmm, sounds like you just want o go roller-skating.

I do love roller-skating.

Look, I hate getting all up in your halo, but you're breaking protocol left and right.

You're the one who taught me he angel rules right here at this picnic table.

I know what I'm doing.

Do ya?

First you tell her that you're a guardian angel.

Then you move into her guesthouse.

Which is unbelievable.

I keep meaning to have you over.

I could really use a shower.

You know, the government can't hear you in the shower.

They're not listening o you, Lee.

Let's just keep it on angel talk, 'cause you sound crazy.

I'm just saying, if you keep getting involved in your human's life, it's gonna blow up in your face.

Don't angel an angel, rookie.

Okay, I just thought we were supposed o stay in the background, Mm. guiding, observing...

Oh, my God, hey're doing partner work.

Keep it professional, man.

I am.

I'm just appreci... ating.

Hi.

Hi.

I hate to be presumptuous, but I thought you guys might be hungry.

Always.

Thank you for presuming.

Sure. (laughs)

This is a good park for bagels.

Yeah.

I got a snow cone yesterday.

No kidding.

Yeah. Cherry.

All right, Kelly.

So the engagement party is going to have a Mardi Gras vibe because that's where you met Hank.

Yeah, that was such a good night.

I wish I could remember it.

Okay, I got a food ruck serving gumbo, I've got a king cake, I have three different flavors of yard margs, and I'm thinking drink tickets... That would be cute, right?

Oh, good, those will help slow my mom down.

I want her to behave.

I'll behave.

I'll “behaving” a lot of drinks. Watch out for this one.

Linda, no problem getting he speaker wires hrough the ceiling... Brad and I are making sure you get music for your party.

Thanks, Dad.

Ah, the Fuller men are back on the job.

(laughs) By the way, I have a “check engine” light hat would love your attention.

Oh, I'd be happy to pop the hood and then secretly call my mechanic.

Hey, there's Kelly.

Kelly: This must be Amy.

Bride-to-be having her big party in my front yard.

It's actually my backyard.

So how's the guest list coming?

Are we all firm?

Uh, yeah.

Actually, everyone has RSVP'd, except for Allison.

Ah.

I did not know that.

Does the host have to RSVP?

I mean, I know that you are going to be there, but are you bringing a date?

Yes, are you bringing a date?

Well, I've been hinking about that.

And?

And?

Is she a translator for you hat just speaks louder?

Kelly, I'm building drama.

I'm gonna go alone.

(whoops) Good news.

She seems very invested in you going solo.

Well, it's what good friends do.

They (whoops).

You should try it sometime.

Wahoo.

No, it's just “whoo”.

Whoo-whoo.

No.

I feel like it needs a little bit more...

It needs nothing.

Guys, look, I realize I just got out of a relationship, and I feel like I just need a little time on my own.

(cork pops)

Allison's single and not ready to mingle.

Except with her best friend, Amy.

I'm sorry, were you saving this for something?

The engagement party.

Oh, goodness gracious.

Well, I don't see the cork, so I will plug it up with a...

Carrot cool?

S01E05
Soulmates

Oh, this is fun, right?

Totally.

I feel like we escaped a '90s gum commercial.

Here's our table.

I love that you just don't care how stupid you look.

The only person here looking stupid is the one not wearing pads.

Ah, yes.

You know what's great about his time on your own is you're really gonna free yourself up o work on your issues.

You're gonna learn so many great lessons.

Not everything has o be a lesson.

And that's one of the lessons.

You're not as dumb as you look in that helmet.

Uh, maybe keep it on.

No, you know what, I don't care.

I'm not trying o impress anybody.

I am loving single fun Allison.

But maybe you have a scrunchie?

Ooh, what's going on there?

All: Pillow fight!

Let's go.

Well, that sounds spontaneous, and spontaneity is a lesson I've been working on for months.

Let's go knock hose ironic mustaches off those millennial faces.

You got wire cutter?

Mm-hmm, coming in hot.

Flashlight.

Flipping.

Hey, one more now.

Look out.

Fuller men, back at it.

What was the last project we did?

We did the re-mod on the p-deck outside Aunty J's c-do.

Yeah, that's too many abbreviations.

Yeah, sorry, it was he remodel on the pool deck at Aunt Jenny's condominium.

Yeah.

Finally something in that woman's life that was stable.

What?

You're bad.

Whoa, what do we have here?

Is this Brad's first toolbox?

Uh, Dad, don't touch that.

Okay, now I'm sensing here's a reason you don't want me to open this.

Uh, no, I d... I... No, I just want you o help me with this ladder so it doesn't hit your car.

What, do you got nunchucks?

Maybe some cherry bombs?

Oh, nudie magazines.

Dad, do not open that.

Relax, it's not he first time I've seen a fella's private stash of paper flowers.

Uh. I got it.

You pull back one of the petals to reveal hat these are actually made out of Playboy magazines.

No, no, it's just a paper flower.

I made them sophomore year in art class.

Relax.

Just wasn't what I was expecting.

I have tons of p*rn, Dad... It's hidden up in the attic.

That's okay, I really don't...

I can take you up there right now.

I will, and it's not just Playboy, it's like the real... here.

Take this, I'm getting the p*rn.

♪ And the man in the back said everyone att*ck ♪
♪ And it turned into a ballroom blitz... ♪

Oh.

Hey, you take the guy in the wool scarf.

I'll take the guy in the wool hat.

It's 80 degrees, people!

♪ Ballroom blitz... ♪
♪ Ballroom blitz. ♪

(slow-motion): No!

(screams)

Ow! Why does that hurt so much?

Because it's Memory Foam, so you don't... ever... forget!

Oh. Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.

That's all right, hat's all right.

All part of a pillow fight!

Yeah, I need my glasses.

Yeah, uh... there they are.

Hey.

Hey.

(siren whoops)

Five-O.

That's not how I talk.

The police are here.

Well, let's bounce. Also not how I talk.

Let's just walk quickly in this direction.

Allison!

Oh, my God, I lost my human.

Or my friend, as people would say.

Uh-oh, I got priors.

Uh, good afternoon, officers.

Uh, Detective Amy Cass, his is my crime scene now.

I'm gonna need 30 feet, a cup of coffee, black, now!

Dad, hit me with the level.

Okay, you seem distracted.

You're still thinking about he flowers, aren't you?

Your unexplained secret garden?

No. Little bit. Constantly.

What was up with that?

You remember Mr. Gene, my high school art teacher, right?

I'm just gonna say sure.

I was an angry kid.

And Mr. Gene taught me how to express my feelings hrough the paper arts.

You wrestled in high school.

Those two aren't mutually exclusive, Dad.

I have a rich emotional IQ.

According to one BuzzFeed quiz, I can feel at the level of an 18th-century Italian painter.

I so want to mock you, but I also want you to feel like you can come to me with this stuff.

(door opens)

Where's Allison?

I thought she was with you.

We were at the park, and then she ran away from me.

Seems like dangerously logical behavior.

Marv, there is a time for our hysterical banter.

It is not now.

Oh, you guys, this is bad.

I checked all the usual places.

The coffee shop, the office, he container store, her spin class, her backup spin class.

Look at you, Mrs. Columbo.

(door opens)

Hello, surprising number of people in my house.

Amy: Hey.

(groans)

Marv, move!

God, you're not getting it!

Well, I'm glad you're back, but next time, give me an advanced warning if you're gonna be spontaneous.

What happened in the park?

Well, I was looking for you when the cops came, but I couldn't find you, so this guy I was talking to gave me a ride home.

A guy? We're not slipping, are we?

Because you just dedicated yourself to be on your own, o work on your issues.

Never said that.

And relax.

I'm not falling in love.

Darren and I are just having coffee.

Wait, Darren?

What's Darren's last name?

Jensen, I think.

Darren Jensen, oh, my God.

This is a disaster.

Why?

I screwed up huge.

I mean, it's bad enough hat I lost track of you.

Just say the crazy thought so I can go to bed.

Darren Jensen is your soulmate.

There's the Nutter Butter.

And you weren't supposed to meet him for another year.

Oh, double-stuffed.

Oh, I can't believe I let you meet your soulmate.

Ah, damn it, Amy!

This is Angeling 101.

Okay, calm down. Look, even if Darren were my soulma...

There is no “if”"

Would you like to see the paperwork?

Yes.

Well, sadly it was destroyed in a cigarillo fire in the guesthouse.

Love to get a smoke detector back there.

It was a close call.

Amy, as a friend, wouldn't you be happy for me if I met the perfect guy?

No, you have a mountain of issues to work on before you can get in another relationship.

You're not even ready o date a regular guy, much less your soulmate.

“Mountain of issues”? What are you talking about?

Well, for one, you overreact to criticism.

Also you don't know how to relax.

You have sneezing bitch face.

What?

And most importantly for the health of your future relationships, you have unresolved rust issues.

Oh, I get it, you're worried if I start dating somebody, you're gonna lose your skating buddy.

Oh, please, I have plenty of skating buddies.

I have CJ, Rocket and the rest of the Beverly Hills Blitz Crew.

Okay.

It is just coffee, all right?

I promise you we will still be able to hang out.

You know what?

I hear you.

That doesn't seem like you.

You go out on your date and I will give you your space.

Okay.

All right, I'll see you soon.

Have fun, okay?

Okay.

All right, kid.

Okay.

Okay, I thought I was the only person over the age of eight who liked bubblegum ice cream.

Nope. Name's Darren, I'm 32 and I love it.

(laughs) Okay, my turn.

Uh, what's your favorite movie?

Swingers.

Oh, my God! I love that movie.

Okay, no. Now you're gonna tell me it inspired you to take swing dancing classes, too?

It totally did.

And I may have worn a zoot suit o my secondary school jubilee.

That's the Aussie prom.

Amy: What?

(laughs) No way. Oh, come on.

This is so random. What a small world.

Oh, my God.

(flatly): Amy, what a surprise.

Amy: I know!

I was just having a one-on-none picnic behind this tree... and you guys just walked up!

Darren Jensen.

First you're at the pillow fight, now you're at the park...

Does this guy have a job?

(chuckling): Ah, I'm just bustin' your acorns.

How do you know my name?

This is Amy.

She lives in my back house.

Listen, I made way too much pâté for one person.

And what goes better with hot coffee han half a pound of pâté?

I think we're good on the goose liver.

Yeah, not my favorite.

Come on. Open up.

Uh...

Really?

Nah, nah.

Aw, come on.

Amy!

What are you doing here, so close to, uh, mmm!

Allison, Darren, this is Lee.

He works in the, uh, business industry.

That seems legit.

Wait, are you two on a date?

Sort of.

Yeah, uh, coffee.

Oh. (laughs) Amy, sidecar?

Sidecar. Oh.

It's a business industry term.

What's in that pâté?

Nothing!

Nothing but goose liver and codeine.

Codeine? What, you trying o knock them out?

Hm. Yeah. That's codeine.

Just double-confirming.

He's her soulmate, Lee.

What? Allison's not ready for that.

She's still emotionally incapacitated from her last relationship.

I know, Lee. That's why I have to break them up before they kiss.

Because once they do that, hey're on the relationship train, and instead of this thing lasting a lifetime, it blows up in six months.

And that's all in the paperwork?

Because I'd like to see that.

Well, sadly, here was a fire, Lee.

Now get out of my way!

They're gone! Ooh, they probably went off to smooch!

I gotta stop that smooch!

So... how 'bout that game last night?

Real nail-biter.

We won by 44 points.

But the beginning parts of it is what I'm talking about.

That was kind of ouch-and-go there for a...

Hey, could we not do this?

Obviously, you've opened up a can of worms, 'cause you don't think I'm emotional.

Okay.

Cool.

Do you... let's, let's go deeper.

Okay. Cool.

Okay, cool.

Uh... let's do... should I start this, or do you want to...

Saw a butterfly today.

That is nice.

It was... pretty.

They are pretty.

And it was alone, which reminded me how alone I feel.

Dad, that's so... I'm so sorry.

That's got to be hard for you.

Maybe...

I'm helping out with his stupid engagement party because I want to... spend time with... Linda.

Who's pretty, like a butterfly.

How would it make you feel if I were to ask her out?

I think it's great hat you're opening up to me about disgracing Mom's memory.

So, I'm standing there over the little white pentagon on the ground...

Home plate.

And, uh, I got my swinging stick in my hand...

That looks very natural.

And the dude on the little hill over there...

The pitcher?

Lobs the oversized cricket ball.

Never guess what happens next.

The Aussie struck out?

Bat flew right out of my hand, almost hit a kid.

Everyone was very pissed off.

That's okay.

Just keep brutalizing our sports terms.

I love your accent.

You know, I wasn't supposed to be here for, like, another year, but I'm really glad my company pushed it up, 'cause here we are.

And, uh... sort of feels like fate, or...

Wow, that's... hat's a cheesy line.

I'm sorry.

Um, I'd like another at-swing, please.

The term is “at bat.”

Oh.

(laughs)

Lee: I told you.

You got involved and it blew up in your face.

Oh, you're right.

I guess the rookie aught the veteran something.

Lee? Lee?

I'm good.

Just taking an open-eyed grass nap.

Mmm.

That pâté put me in a good place.

(chuckles)

Ooh...

(dance music blaring)

I'm gonna restock on my beads.

Okay.

What's up with four-eyes?

He's actually really attractive.

Classic big bro hazing.

His name's Darren.

He's actually pretty great.

Yeah, he must be, in order to get the insta-invite to this party.

I know!

How much do you like that dork? (chuckles)

He's pretty cool with that accent, though. Still hazing.

I think I really like him.

Yeah, you know who else is smitten these days? Dad.

What?

Did he finally ask out Linda?

My mom? It's finally happening.

We're gonna be sisters.

Okay. Slow your roll.

How do you even know about this?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe the 14 speakers he hung in his house to impress her?

This is actually perfect timing for my mom, since my dad just married he old babysitter.

What about how weird it makes me feel?

Nobody cares. This is about Dad being happy.

What are you doing o that napkin?

Uh, you know what? I didn't even know I was doing this.

I need to steal her.

Listen, kid, I just want to say hat I am sorry.

A business industry associate pointed out to me hat, well, all of my interfering might not be good for you.

From now on, I'm going to take a more traditional angel approach and I'm gonna back off.

Based on a small sample of all my experience with you...

Allison, I'm serious.

And I'm only half in the bag, so you know it's real.

I just want to thank you.

Oh.

Home audio's just not as difficult as it looks.

Not the speakers.

For this.

Oh.

The mother of the bride always gets forgotten at these things and... you're just so sweet.

Brad made the flower.

I know.

But I am the one asking you to dance.

Let's do it.

(”Make You Mine” by Miami Horror playing)

Hey, Darren. I don't know if you remember me, but I was the one with the pâté by the port-a-potty.

No, I remember you.

That's sweet.

Nice suit, by the way.

You are so money, baby.

What?

You are so money, you don't even know it.

Uh... ooh. (laughs)

It's a quote.

From Swingers. Your favorite movie.

Yes. Yeah, right. Swingers.

Yeah, I'm the big money.

Darren, if you'll excuse me, I have to double-renege on a recent promise.

Slow song.

(slow song begins playing)

Let's pick it up a little bit, huh?

A little bit of swing dance, big band.

(swing music begins playing)

That walking redwood ruins everything.

Follow me.

Oh, my God, did you put his on for me?

Yes.

Well, let's do this.

Hey, everybody, check out these two!

(whoops)

Are you ready?

Uh-huh.

(exclaims)

Oh! Ooh.

Allison: Ow.

Wait... does he not know how to swing dance?

Hey, are you okay?

Okay?

Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Yeah.

Yeah. What just happened?

Yeah, bro.

Can't you execute a classic cradle-me-Harry?

Brad, could you please go big brother somewhere else?

I'm sorry, I don't know how to swing dance.

And when you jumped at me, hat was scary.

Why would you lie about that?

I just really wanted o impress you.

I kind of got swept up in the moment.

Sorry, I hope one little fib's not a big deal.

Look, my last relationship was a disaster.

The guy lied and cheated.

Allison, I am not that guy.

I know. But I have a mountain of issues and I don't think I'm ready for this.

Couldn't have said it better myself, because I did say it myself.

Hey, guys, ooh.

Um, so my father-in-law wants to give a toast, so if we could just finish the breakup off the dance floor? Thank you so much. Okay.

Man: Speech, speech!

Maybe this is just a case of bad timing.

Yeah, and you lying.

Sorry. Trust issues.

I'm gonna work on those.

Yeah, I'm gonna work hrough my stuff, too.

Hey, who knows? Maybe one day...

Our paths cross again?

I'd like that.

USA! USA! U...

I'm actually a big fan of Sydney. I want to visit someday.

I heard the Opera House is a marvel.

How's your butt?

Oh. It's okay.

Well, you know, he's not your only soulmate.

Not that I believe you, but... how many are we talking?

17.

But a couple of them are in the flood zone of the tsunami hat takes out he Pacific Northwest, so, uh, actually, it's 15.

Let's put some ice on that tukhus, huh?

We're going roller skating tomorrow.

Oh, what happened to hands off?

Eh, I tried that for five minutes, it's not me.

In fact, I'm gonna need a key to the big house.

Not gonna happen.

Can I have some more drink tickets?

Are you kidding me?

They're for a friend.

I'm sorry. (wry chuckle)

Bad time to lie to you.

So, should you warn someone about the tsunami?

Oh, no, no, no, no, I never get involved with he weather department.

Hey, what's up, John? Seen Lee?

Cops did a sweep of the park.

He ended up in Cedars. Psych ward.

Our Lee? Picnic Table Lee?

He kept telling them he had to be here because he was a guardian angel.

Wow. Well, that's crazy.

Damn!

Lost too many good angels to Cedars.