01x04 - Hos Before Bros

[bunniefuu]

No, you're doing it from here.

It's up here, okay? It's like, "I'm Jay Baruchel. Uh, I don't know how to fly a plane, but I can train your dragon."

Oh, big news.

I'm assuming both of you ladies know who Trick Malloy is.

Sounds like a bisexual pool player.

Or an Irish magician.

He is a quarterback and the MVP for the Conquistadors.

Football team I'm part owner of?

Anyway, his contract is almost up, and he's considering retiring.

Was Trick short for Patrick?

I love last-half-of-the-name nicknames, like Topher, Xander...

Or Acob.

Ladies, ladies, I've invited him here for the weekend o clear his head.

I convinced him not to leave the team.

Now, he has a press conference on Monday.

Ladies, I need you both on your best behavior, all right?

And be careful of this one. He's a bit of a charmer.

[as Jay Baruchel] I'll try, but celebrities, uh, make me nervous.

[as Jay Baruchel] I'm an adorable...

I'm an adorable Canadian.

That's good.

[laughs]

What's happening right now?

Dueling Jay Baruchel impressions.

You both sound like sick goats.

Both: Perfect.

♪ We're too gangsta for TV ♪
♪ That's why you don't see us ♪
♪ But they still wanna be us ♪

Ha ha!

[hip-hop music]

Damn it, this is not yare.

Is that like a tiny ship for ants or what?

[doorbell rings]

I got it!

I'll go pose by the fire's place.

Uh-huh.

You look so good, Mr. Russell.

Yeah.

[coughing]

All right, that's enough.

Go take your germs away somewhere else.

Trick, you're soaked.

Ladies, I'd like to introduce you to Trick Malloy.

[sexy hip-hop music]

♪ I'm so fresh, kid ♪
♪ I'm so fresh, fresh ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm fresh, kid ♪
♪ I'm so fresh, fresh ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm fresh, kid ♪
♪ I'm so fresh, fresh 'cause I'm fresh, kid ♪

Ho...

Ly...

Ship!

Holy [bleep]!

Trick, my man.

[chuckles] How was the flight?

It was good.

I gave up my first-class seat o a veteran, met some pretty solid people back in coach, and, yeah, you know what they say about plane friends.

"Plane friends stay friends."

I feel the same way.

Yeah?

I absolutely feel the same way.

That's awesome.

Trick, this is my wife, Tanzy.

"Enchanti."

And, uh, over here is my daughter, Gene.

Hey.

And this is her Billie.

Oh, not in a lesbian way. Although, I'm not afraid to do that. How's it going?

Sorry about my wet hand skin.

No, I like it wet.

[awkward chuckle]

Cool.

Ship in a bottle.

That's exactly how I feel sometimes, you know?

It's just like, all sealed up behind glass and on display.

It's like the whole world's got stones, and they're just throwing them.

You know what I'm saying?

[shatters]

Land ho!

Shipwreck. [nervous laugh]

Sorry.

She's got diarrhea.

Trick, let me, uh, let me show you to your room, huh?

Yeah, I don't.

Yes, sir.

It's right up here.

Yeah.

[glass cracking]

[laughs] You stepped in ship.

[Joy coughing]

Oh, put it down, put it down, Joy.

Go away, take the rest of the weekend off, 'cause my boy here has got to be ship-shape for his big press conference omorrow.

Trick Malloy.

Kent Russell.

I know you're thinking of doing something else with your life. I get it, I do.

You're not a one-trick pony, and it's a trick... y decision.

You see what I'm doing here?

I do, I do. You're having fun with my name.

Exactly.

All right, so, what is it hat you want to do with your life if you're not gonna play football?

To be honest, Ken, everything.

Ooh, I like that.

I don't know. I want it all.

I want to... I want to eat.

I want to eat life.

My vag*na's nickname is "life."

Trick, I've climbed Mount Kilimanjaro and Hillary Rodham Clinton.

I have done it all.

And trust me, you're not gonna find a better gig han being a Conquistador.

That's just it, I've been a Conquistador for ten years and I've never even been o Conquistador, you know?

Guess I'm still... still hungry.

Hmm.

She gets it.

[awkwardly sighs]

Oops, oh, my God.

I'm so clumsy.

That made me all wet.

[whispering] We should sex this weekend.

Yeah, Trick, looks like you're almost done.

Why don't you come up to my office, and I will show you my bronzed cast of Apolo Ohno's hands?

Oh, yes, to Ohno, you know?

[all laughing]

Attaboy.

Oh, my gosh, do you hear that?

What?

The train that's coming?

That sex train. Do you hear it?

Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, his d*ck!

You know what I'm saying?

No, I don't.

I mean we're gonna get it on with sex.

♪ Capital S lowercase E ♪
♪ Little-ass C tiny-ass K ♪

Good for you, hat's just not my...

I think of, like, Trick and sex, like "blech."

No, gross.

You sure about that?

Yeah, that's what I said.

I'm just... I'm not into he blue eyes, and the skin and the symmetry and the... "I'm very gorgeous."

It's not my... I'm into brains, thoughts, mental capacities.

Oh, good, 'cause I told him you had diarrhea.

What?

I mean, good.

Thank you.

Is it just me, or is that guy really cute?

[laughs softly]

[hip-hop music]

Oh, oops.

Sorry.

Body bump.

I call that interference, you know?

Hey, you're a teacher, right?

Yeah.

That's awesome. It's like you're an agent for change or something.

Oh, yeah, I never thought of it like that. Excuse me.

Do you ever get scared, you know?

Like scared that your... your students will just not listen and they'll just be distracted by your beauty?

Is that a trick question?

Might be 'cause I'm asking it.

Oh, that's really clever.

Um, no, I don't.

No, you don't get scared?

Oh, I get scared of a lot of things.

Really, like what?

Um, I don't know. Um...

Um, not being in control of my own fate?

Mm.

Or horror movies or something...

Yeah, no, I get that fate stuff, you know what I'm saying, 'cause I'm kinda going through a little piece of that myself right now.

It kind of reminds me of the lyrics of that song "Changes" by that guy, Dah-vad Boweé.

David... David Bowie?

Hey, what's your email addy? I wanna send you those lyrics.

I think you'll appreciate them as much as I'm really just appreciating alking to you right now.

Oh, um... um... Billie...

Billie at?

Uh, Billie...

Dot?

Uh, Billie...

Okay, "Billie@billie.billie". Sent.

[phone chimes]

Hmm, that's weird. It sent back.

Later-ade.

Laters.

Oh, my God, what is wrong with me?

Why would you say that?

Hey, are you talking to me?

Or are you talking to yourself in the hallway?

[laughing awkwardly]

[awkward mock laughter]

Oh, my God.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning was one of the most important...

Gene.

Hmm?

What are you doing?

On and off the field, the rumors are swirling around this grid-iron bad boy.

The pressure is mounting...

both: Mounting.

For him to make a decision.

One thing is certain: when that decision comes, the world will be watching.

That's what makes his choice so hard.

both: Hard.

No cheating!

Oh, am I interrupting? I'm sorry.

You're not interrupting!

That's too loud.

I mean, you're not interrupting.

I just, uh, I wanted to see if I could sit in.

That cool? I didn't do a lot of class stuff, you know?

Football always came first.

I love coming first.

Of course, absolutely.

Thanks, what are we studying?

[stuttering] 19th century poetry.

I... [sighs]

Yearn... for what can be o awaken the soul inside of me.

Who wrote that?

I guess my... my mouth just did.

Okay, back to the lesson.

Eliza-trick Billie Brown...

Eliza-trick... Eliza-trick Billie Browning.

Eliz... oops, the chalk's done.

I'll go get another one.

[footsteps accelerating]

Chalk.

Code for loose poops.

Whew!

Can't wait till recess so we can go masturbate, am I right?

Oops.

So clumsy... and good in bed.

Separate note.

Can't quite get it.

Got it.

Oh, spaghetti fingers.

Let me get that.

Oh, almost... doing such a bad job with my hands.

Bad hand job, bad hand job.

Grab it.

Oh, almost got it.

Let me use my mouth.

No.

Got it.

[spits]

Now we're pen pals.

Holy crap.

Trick?

Kent wants you to come out back so you can play foosball together.

Foosball, yeah, I think you, uh... I think you mean football, right?

Sure.

You.

Holy crap.

I'm in love.

Got it! Where's Trick?

What's up with your face?

Nothing, my lips were chapped and my hair was in my face. Why?

Oh, my God, you... you totally like him.

No, I don't.

You totally like him.

No, I don't.

No, girl, you can tell me.

You kinda like him a little bit.

I don't like him, no.

Just know this.

[dramatic music]

If it happens for one of us, he other one that's stupid and annoying has to back off.

♪

Hos before bros.

I'm not a ho.

Tell that to your pink scrunchie.

♪

This is my pen.

No one can have it.

I don't want it.

Don't come into my room for 15 minutes.

You're gonna masturbate.

What?

You're gonna masturbate!

You're disgusting.

[claps, chuckles]

Wow, what a cannon.

[chuckles] Now, you're gonna tell me hat you're gonna let hat golden arm go to waste?

I mean, what is this, really?

Some sort of a negotiating tactic?

No, it's not about money.

It's like I have a calling, and I'm tired of letting it just go straight to voice-mail.

Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

Sorry, I just overheard your metaphor.

I was tending to the garden.

Nice toss, by the way.

That's the exact kind of throw hat would b*at a soft nickel, assuming that the safety bites it on a fake pump, of course.

Didn't know you knew so much about football, Billie.

She doesn't.

She's just trying to impress me.

She doesn't know... she already has.

[exclaims]

Your beautiful lip color, with your scrunchie.

[gasps]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Ugh!

These things get so dirty, you know?

Oh, get 'em a little wet, you know?

Oh, squirter.

That's weird that hey get so dirty.

Don't they just sit in the water all day?

I'm pretending they're penises.

Okay, Trick, why don't we go inside?

I'll show you my, uh, upside down room where all the furniture right over here is, you know, attached to the ceiling.

Cool, I love not sitting down.

Hey, since when did you start hand-jobbing the pool equipment?

Same time you started using a hoe, ho.

[suspenseful music]

[hip-hop music]

Good night.

No, uh...

Good night.

Bonne nuit, Trick. Bonne nuit...

[gasps]

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Both: Where...

Where are you going?

Just gonna go say good night to Trick, see if he needs anything before bed.

Where are you going?

I was also gonna go... see if he needed to be put to bed.

Ass before class.

Hey, Trick.

Hey.

Books, nice.

I've read about those.

Cool.

Just wanted to come say good night.

Thinking about turning in.

Unless I stay up to, I don't know, have sex.

Okay, night, night.

Oh... okay.

[scoffs]

Good luck in there.

There's jizz all over the walls.

[spits]

No.

My hand.

[slurring] Good night, Trick.

Excuse me?

[pop music playing]

[phone buzzing]

You touching yourself to p*rn?

No, Gene, I'm not watching p*rn.

Yeah, me neither. Who watches p*rn?

What is that, the "Labyrinth" in the background?

You watching the "Labyrinth?"

No, it's not the "Labyrinth."

It's... I don't need to watch he "Labyrinth" to fall asleep.

It's a different movie.

Go to sleep.

Nicholas Cage?

Oh, Dickolas Cage.

That makes more sense.

[eerie demonic laughter]

[dreamy music]

♪

♪ Today I found her ♪
♪ We're so meant to be ♪
♪ The only question, would she marry me? ♪
♪ 'Cause if she does ♪
♪ All the people of Earth will talk ♪
♪ They'll say ♪
♪ It's Trick and Billie ♪
♪ Look at those two ♪
♪ I know we're silly ♪
♪ Can I get a pic of you? ♪
♪

♪ The people of Earth ♪
♪ Will talk ♪
♪

[dreamy shimmering]

Harder!

Ah, harder!

[Trick yelling]

Jay Baruchel!

Oh, so sorry, Jay!

Jay, oh, Baruchel!

Whoo, Canada!

[Billie humming]

[clattering]

Oops.

Ooh, sorry, didn't mean o scare a fart out of you.

I didn't fart, Gene.

It stinks because no one's been cleaning up after themselves since Joy left.

What are you doing?

Just making some Belgian waffles for Trick.

It's his favorite. I Google'd it.

That's so nice of you.

Well, you know, he's a guest.

I figured we might as well be hospitable, and...

Fun fact: his favorite lunch food is a BL...

Bitch.

Hey, Trick, I know waffles are your favorite.

Probably need all the energy you can get after last night.

You nasty.

What? What happened last night?

Well, let's just say you had sex with Jay Baruchel, and it was good. [giggles]

You mean that dude that goes...

[as Jay Baruchel] "I wrote and directed 'Goon.' I wrote and directed it."

No, I don't recognize that.

No, uh-huh.

Mmm, those waffles are really good.

Gene, you don't have to do that.

Don't have to do what?

You know how you act all sexual around me?

You don't have to do that. I like you.

Come again?

Spelled with a U.

'Cause see, when I hear hose words...

Mm-hmm.

All of this...

Jesus.

More feels like... it looks like this.

Tears of...

Tears.

Tears of semen?

Just let the sexuality go.

You're more than your sex.

I cry when I listen o Lennie Annox.

No, Annie Lennox, yeah, hat's... that's it.

Whoa, I feel hella vulnerable.

Yeah.

[clears throat]

What?

Gene, can I talk to you inside for a second?

Sure-cicles.

Poor thing, all that diarrhea.

She just found out. Bottom AIDS.

Life is short, you know?

Hey, Gene.

Yeah?

It's really nice o finally meet you.

You too.

What's up?

That was not cool, Gene.

Do you know how hard it is o make Belgian waffles without a waffle maker?

[singing mock French]

What are you... what?

I'm sorry, all I hear is French music when I'm in love. What'd you say?

You can't possibly think he's into you, can you?

Mm, I don't know.

We sort of have this "will they, won't they" thing happening, you know?

Let me just cut to the end for you, hmm?

They won't, okay?

Did you just throw garbage at me?

Me?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, wait, yeah, I totally did.

It was a rhetorical question.

Bitch!

[both yelling]

Come on, get your head on the ground.

No, I'm uncomfortable by your vag*na...

You want balls in your mouth.

Eat it! Come here!

Not the beets!

Not the beets!

[gasps]

You look egg-cellent.

Well, this just in. He's nacho man!

Oh!

Turkey slap!

Salad joke!

Yokes on you!

Does this remind you of your childhood?

Trash!

Kent, thank you so much for your hospitality, but your house smells like garbage.

Fair criticism.

But I trust tomorrow's press conference will yield happiness, yes, yes?

I think we'll both be smiling.

Ooh.

Yeah, maybe even laughing.

This isn't a trick, is it?

[laughs]

Name stuff still happening.

Yeah, come on, get in here.

All right.

[grunting]

Listen, you... are my best and closest friend.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah.

[car engine starts]

All right, see you, buddy.

Yeah, man.

[both shouting and making g*n noises]

Well, I guess we should get Joy back in here now that Trick's gone.

What?

He's gone?

Mm.

I think that went well.

Mm, yeah, that went quite well.

Bitch! No!

Okay, truce.

I wonder if Trick's gonna send me some sort of a signal.

You know, like rub his nose or, like, pull on his d*ck.

He's not going to. You're delusional.

Can we just watch the news?

Girls, girls, hush, hush!

Shut it, it's starting. Thank you.

Good afternoon, I think we all know that I've come to a bit of a crossroads in my life, and, you know, I got some really great advice from a really good friend his weekend.

Hm. [laughs softly]

And, uh... that advice was to remove the clutter.

And that clutter is football.

[reporters gasp]

Kent Russell, I love you, and I would've never been able o make this decision.

I was wavering, and you made it for me.

Dude, I'm gonna follow my dreams.

I'm gonna be a stand-up comic.

No.

I know it's crazy, right?

I mean, how you guys doing out there?

[phone ringing]

What's the quarterback?

Like, what's the deal with that name?

Greg, my man! [laughing]

It's weird, it's like some dude took your quarter.

I don't like comedy.

I didn't say that. I didn't say that!

I see a lot of ladies out there. [in Rasta accent]: Love me the ladies, oh, hey. I met this girl, right? She's all like, "Oh, man, I like, cry every ime I listen to Annie Lennox," and I'm like, "Annie Len-nah, hat sucks, dude. Don't cry at Annie Lennox." You know what also sucks? Like, generally when, like, women are like, "Yeah, I like sports," and you're just like, "Go knit. Like, prune a tree or something or prune this d*ck. Mm!"

[laughing]

[clears throat]

You guys are fun.

What a train wreck.

Yeah, like, turns out we're out of his league.

[both laughing as Jay Baruchel]

And don't even get me started on traffic, right? It's like... just all go the same speed.