07x14 - Film, Friends and Fruit Pies

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

Frankie: Everybody knows you're much cooler if you're running with a posse.

Even Brick.

[School bell rings]

Yep, things were going well for my kids.

Brick had a group of friends...

We did it. They approved us. We're officially roommates!

[Both screaming]

... Sue finally got the roommate she'd been dreaming of, and Axl was proving himself invaluable at his first foray into the business world.

What are you doing, intern?

Okay, maybe not exactly invaluable.

Hole-punching quarterly reports to put them in your binder for you, sir.

Mr. Kershaw. Sir.

Ah.

Taking initiative. Going the extra mile.

Much better idea than using three-hole-punch paper!

Well, on the plus side, if we ever have a party, we've already got confetti.

Yay.

[Laughs]

Come on, let's go.

What? Me? Where are we going?

To lunch.

What?

Lunch! Follow!

Aah.

Ugh.

Can you tell me what this is I just stepped on in the carpet?

Um... I don't know.

It goes to something.

Thanks, Inspector. Case solved.

Maybe it goes to the bottom of the blender?

Yeah.

Nope.

Ooh. Maybe it's that knob to the clock on the stove?

No.

Is it that thing from the other time?

Mm, might be. I'd hate to think there were two of them.

Remember when we used to talk about movies and politics?

Mm.

[Door closes]

Well, the a*-man is rockin' it on all cylinders.

My boss loves me.

I thought you said he hated you.

He did. But now apparently I'm charming, charismatic... which I already knew, but I've never been told by somebody in a suit before.

And get this... he says I'm going places.

Like to your own place, where you pay for things?

Ha! You know where I don't pay for things?

Fountains. That's right.

Jack took me to Fountains, and I got to eat anything I wanted.

He even let me order two cokes.

You had lunch at Fountains?

I chased a hard-boiled egg across the carpet.

Jack says I'm trustworthy.

Says I got an authenticity the spineless toadies around him lack.

That's right... Jack told me to call him Jack, so Jack he shall be called.

Aww. See?

I knew that once he got to know my sweet...

Hey, whoa, whoa! No, no, no, no.

Why you got to turn everything into an excuse to hug me?

Don't flatter yourself. Nobody wants to hug you anyway!

I'll hug him tonight when he's asleep.

Brick: Can you sign this form saying you take full responsibility for the school camera, editing equipment, the sound equipment, and lighting packet while it's in my possession?

No, we will not.

Well, then I'll have to do that signature Axl taught me, 'cause I really need it for this project I'm doing for film class.

Oh, heads up... I'm working on a shoestring budget, so I'm gonna be sh**ting it entirely in the house.

A horror movie, is it?

Well, the assignment is to take an important piece of film history and interpret it as our own.

I'm thinking either "Battleship Potemkin" or "Knots Landing."

I love "Knots Landing."

I binge-watched all 14 seasons when we inherited that box of Aunt Edie's old tapes.

Now, I know what you're thinking...

Sure, "Battleship Potemkin" was named the greatest film of all time, but "Knots Landing" just has the undefinable "it."

Plus it's one of the few true historical records we have of the 1980s.

[Scoffs] The '80s weren't that long ago, Brick.

It was 30-some years ago.

Holy crap.

Well, I better get on it.

I'll be in Sue's room, scouting locations.

Also, I'm still on the fence, but the episode I'm looking at may require a small car expl*si*n.

Okay, so, I don't know if you think this is lame, but I was thinking maybe it could be kind of cool if we used the memo board to let each other know where we are at all times.

Okay, shut up!

I was just about to suggest that.

I read about that idea on...

Both: Kickinitcollegestyle.com, subheading... "dorm keeping for dummies...

101 hacks for rocking life away from home"!

Ohh, my god! I am so happy right now!

Me too! [Gasps] Wait. Okay, close your eyes.

I have something else for the room!

Oh, my god, if it is the sparkly dragon pillow I saw at the student store, I am seriously gonna pass out!

Better.

[Squeals]

Okay, open.

Eeeee... Oh, my god.

What?! A flat-screen TV?!

Awesome, right?

Yeah.

And it was practically free. It was only $300.

I had to get it.

Heh. How could you not?

Right? So, your half is $150.

What?

Yeah, $150 even.

Oh, sure.

'Cause that would be half of $300.

Mm-hmm. I just put it on my visa, so you can pay me back whenever.

No rush... just whenever you go to the bank machine.

'Kay.

Okay. Remember, in this scene, Cindy, you're Abby... a beautiful, calculating temptress who will stop at nothing to get what she wants.

And, Troy, you're Gary... a handsome, naive Texas transplant who used to be married to Valene, but then Abby stole you, and now she's trying to make you, Gary, feel better about cutting your best friend, Kenny, out of Ciji's recording deal.

Cool.

Uh, Cindy, I'm gonna need you to lose the hat.

I can't lose the hat.

Well, you got to lose the hat. Abby doesn't wear a hat.

I might be willing to tuck up the flaps, but that's it.

[Sighs]

Fine.

[Video camera beeps]

And... action!

I, uh, just got off the phone with Munson.

He tells me you and Kenny had quite a scene.

Yeah.

Cut! Cut, cut.

Cindy, do you not get what your intention is?

You just got off the phone with Munson.

Munson!

This guy here could blow the whole deal.

And, Troy, I'm seeing the acting all over the place.

This is "Knots Landing."

Let's keep it real.

Didn't you people watch the 14 years of episodes I gave you?

Do you even own a Betamax?!

Again... From the top.

[Sighs]

Oh, hey, Jack.

Langdon from the art department sent down some new sketches for the fruit pie on-the-go packaging.

Am I crazy, or do all the drawings of fruit pies look like him?

So, where'd we leave off yesterday?

I'm screwed, Heck.

What? No, come on. You're only down by two.

You make a sh*t on one foot, you're up by five.

No, I'm screwed. We all are.

But... I thought things were going great.

You had that meeting yesterday where you said, "things are going great."

Oh, it's all a show, Heck.

I can't tell the people out there the truth.

They have mortgages and car payments.

They don't need to know that our profits are in the crapper.

But I know.

I know, Heck.

And now... so do you.

$142... So, Sue scraped together her birthday money, her spudsy money, and even participated in a psychological experiment to pay for her half of the TV.

... and my lucky $2 bill my grandpa gave me when I was born...

Makes $150.

[Change rattling]

Oh. Thank you.

[Change clatters]

Oh. You have a electrode thingy...

Oh! Oh.

Just covering a zit.

You know, college... heh... stress.

Oh! Wait! Don't move.

I am scheduling us both facials right now.

Oh, and check it out... I got us a popcorn popper.

And these cute little containers that say "popcorn."

They were only $20 each. You can pay me back whenever.

'Kay.

[Video camera beeps]

Okay, now, in this scene, Cindy, you'll be playing Karen, an idealistic widow conflicted by a recent proposal from the hotheaded but dashing Mack.

And, Troy, you're Teddy, Karen's old high-school flame, and you'll stop at nothing to get her back.

And action!

Look how exciting tonight is.

Don't you realize it could be like this all the time?

Don't say yes to him.

Teddy, please.

But don't say...

Cut.

Cindy, you can't phone it in just because you're the director's girlfriend.

Well, maybe soon, I won't be.

That's the sass I'm looking for.

Now, let's inject some of that into your performance.

And, Troy, I don't know what to say.

I feel like I'm watching a scene between two eighth-graders who barely know each other.

One more time on that last line.

And action.

How long we letting this go on?

I want my couch back.

Coffeepot?

Tried it.

Mm.

I don't know.

I think this is good, Mike.

He's engaged, he's excited about something.

And look... Brick has a posse.

We don't want to drive them away.

No! No, no!

Sounds like he might be driving them away on his own.

Well, to be fair, Cindy wasn't exactly prepared.

You have to be off book, Mike.

You can't just show up and learn your lines during rehearsal.

We will stay in this scene until I see the magic I am looking for!

And action!

The only thing worse than having your friend become your boss is having your boss become your friend.

Heck, I can't tell anybody this.

Nobody knows but you.

The apple shipment from Chile exceeded the legal pesticide limit.

That means no apple pie till June.

[Sighs] You know, if it makes you feel any better, no one my age even eats fruit pies anymore.

They're like something out of the '50s.

And the truck drivers are threatening to strike again.

"Oh, we can't drive 48 straight hours.

We'll report you to the union." What am I gonna do?

Shove a thousand yodel-oos in the back of my Lexus and go door-to-door? Huh? Huh?!

And now some kid in Missouri has found a toe in his ringdoodle.

I mean, a finger, I could understand, but a toe?

What are these people doing down there?

Oh, look at this.

Now my eye's twitching.

Is this noticeable?

People are depending on me. They're all depending on me.

I can't breathe, I can't sleep.

My hair's falling out in chunks.

It's falling out.

[Sighs]

Oh!

Already tried it.

Mike: Hey, Axl, do you know what this goes to?

No, but I know what this goes to... my head!

I am totally stressing out.

I'm up all night thinking about toxic apples and profit margins and cupcakes with toes in them.

I mean, why does my boss love me so much?

Why am I so damn charming?!

Aw, honey, don't worry. It's gonna be...

Ooh! Have you gained weight? You got a little love handle.

Is it noticeable?

Oh, god, my pants barely fit. I'm on the last hole in my belt.

I am totally eating my feelings. This job is k*lling me.

You only work 10 hours a week.

Uh, excuse me... do you have a conference call with the board of directors at 10:00 this morning?

Do you?

No. But I'm in charge of connecting everybody.

Oh! Don't look at me! I'm hideous!

Hey, Sue!

Oh, what a nice surprise, honey. What are you doing home?

Oh, well, I just... I didn't have class till the afternoon, so I thought I'd stop by and say hi, and that I love you so much.

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

Hey, here's a thought.

It's probably really inconvenient for you guys to put money into my account every month, so why don't you just put all of the money into my account for the rest of the year right now, and then it'll be off your plates?

I know you guys are always complaining about those full plates, and this will make it less full, so super-convenient for you, right?

[Chuckles]

What's going on, Sue?

Lexie's really rich, and she keeps buying stuff for the room and asking me for half, and I keep saying "'kay!"

But it's not 'kay. It's not 'kay at all!

Wait, hang on. How much are you into this girl for?

[Sighs] Well, I already paid her $150.

$150?!

Uh-huh.

And get this... she said it was only $150.

Like when I say something is only $1.

Wow.

[Groans]

I have waited so long for a good roommate, and I finally have one, and now I'm afraid if I can't afford things, she's just gonna find a roommate who can.

Or she's gonna try and pay for everything, and that's just as awkward.

See, this is why you don't have rich friends.

Never friend up. You always want to friend down.

If you friend up, eventually, you got to come back to your crappy life, and it just feels crappier.

If you friend down, when you come home to this, doesn't feel so bad.

Don't listen to your dad.

There's nothing wrong with having a rich friend.

I had a friend in college... Bonnie Edwards.

Her dad owned a Spencer's Gifts.

She paid for everything.

And are you guys still friends?

No. She thought I was a sponge, and it eventually tore us apart.

But I got to go to her lake house and learn how to water-ski.

Hang on a sec. Where's all this money coming from?

Well, I've been using my Spudsy's money, and I popped all the quarters out of my 50 states collector's book, and I've been donating plasma.

I'm not exactly sure what plasma is, and I don't know if you need it, but, from the way I've been feeling, I'm guessing you do.

Sue, you got to come clean.

You're too young to be in debt.

It's different for us.

We have a long-range financial plan where we die before we have to pay anybody off.

But you don't have that cushion.

Your dad is right... you need to be up front with Lexie and tell her you're on a budget.

If she really likes you, she'll understand.

Mm. Okay.

Yeah, you're right.

I'll tell her.

[Sighs]

But before I do, I'm just checking... gestating a child for another couple is kind of a big commitment, right?

I would say with all of the extracurriculars you have, yeah.

Ugh. Yep. That's what I thought.

Oh, hey.

Where were you? It wasn't on the memo board.

Oh, right. Sorry.

I was at home.

Listen, Lexie, I have something to tell you.

[Gasps] Me first.

Taylor Swift added another concert, and I called and managed to get two V.I.P. tickets.

Are you in?

Oh, I'm in.

[Sighing] I'm in deep.

Mike!

Mike, I figured it out!

Oh, my god!

What?

The piece! I know what it goes to.

It's the rubber-gaskety-thing that holds the dryer door shut.

See? It goes right there.

Ah! Now we don't have to use that stupid broomstick.

Oh, my god.

We always have so many random pieces.

We never know what they go to.

But this time, we did it.

We made something in this house a little less broken.

Who needs a present? It's a Valentine's day miracle!

I threw it out yesterday.

What?!

Oh!

Okay, then I want flowers.

And chocolate... the good kind, with the candy map that tells you what's inside so I don't get stuck with the cherry.

But wait till tomorrow, when it's 50% off.

Well, I'm doomed.

My entire production schedule has been completely thrown into chaos!

Why? What happened?

I lost my actors.

Cindy called, and she said she has a sore throat and her great-aunt d*ed.

Then Troy called and says he has the flu and his great-uncle d*ed.

I mean, what are the odds of both of them being sick and having dead relatives on the same day?

Slim, Brick... very slim.

What are you saying?

Well, you have been kind of hard on your friends.

"No bathroom breaks!

You'll eat when you get it right!"

It may not be fun for them anymore.

Or ever.

But I'm the director.

It's my job to bring "Knots Landing" to life.

I mean, a writer wrote this.

All I want to do is be faithful to the material and make sure it's ex*cuted to the promise of the script.

Look, I'm just saying, Troy and Cindy volunteered to help you.

You might start being a little nicer to them.

You can't afford to lose friends, Brick.

You don't have a lot of options.

Okay, I... I get it. I'll talk to them.

But what am I gonna do now?

The project's due tomorrow, and I don't have the final scene.

[Crunches]

[Muffled] No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, Mack, there's so many considerations...

The kids...

Uh-huh.

This is a big step for them.

Uh-huh.

And I'm having your baby.

Who sits like this?

[Sighs]

Nobody sits like this.

Mack and Karen sit like that, okay?

And you're not even saying your lines.

You should be happy I'm here.

Let's just skip ahead to the kiss/talking part.

Mom, I'm gonna need you to pick up the slack here.

Got it, got it, got it.

Okay, settle.

And action!

You're half Sicilian.

You're a man.

We're gonna fight a lot.

But I'll work on it. 'Cause I want you to be happy.

[Sighs] This is dumb.

I'm out.

[Sighs]

Great. What am I supposed to do now?

Who can I get to step in at the last minute who loves to perform?

Oh, Mack, there's so many considerations...

The kids...

I know.

This is a big step for them.

I know.

And I'm having your baby.

It's all happening so fast.

Not fast enough for me.

Oh, Karen, let's raise this baby together.

So, you'll marry me?

Probably.

[Sighs] I was hoping for a "yes."

I can handle "no," but I can't make love to "probably."

Well, you'll have to learn... until I'm ready.

This is magic.

Magic!

Oh, hey, Lexie, have you seen my shampoo?

Oh, I got us new matching shower caddies, and when I put your bottle in it, there was hardly any left, so I threw it out.

What?

Wait, no.

Why would you throw it out without asking me?

Did I do something wrong?

[Gasps] Oh, my god.

Was it one of those bottles with the fake bottom where you hide all your expensive jewelry?

What? No.

No, no, no, no.

Lexie, it was just shampoo.

But I use my shampoo till it's gone, and then I fill it up with water and I shake that up, and I use that till it's gone.

I cut open my toothpaste tubes and scrape out the last bits.

I smush together all my soap slivers till it becomes one big franken-soap.

Do you see where I'm going with all this?

I'm poor, Lexie!

[Sighs] I'm poor.

Oh.

Well... you know, I'm not exactly rich, either.

Oh, Lexie, believe me... you're rich.

Is it because I have a horse?

He's really old.

Okay.

Look, Lexie...

[Sighs]

You're great and amazing, and I so, so, so, so, so want you to be my roommate.

But, honestly, I can't afford it.

I mean, if you want to find someone else who you can do stuff with, I totally get it.

What? No! You're my roommate.

God, I feel like such an idiot for putting you in this position.

I didn't even think.

Seriously, I will pay for everything.

I have, like, three emergency credit cards.

That's really sweet, but I can't let you pay.

You'll think I'm a sponge.

It happened to my mom once, and she doesn't water-ski anymore.

But I don't want to do fun stuff if you can't do fun stuff.

Don't worry about me. I'm used to not doing fun stuff.

Years of practice.

Ugh, but seriously, do you think you can find someone else to go to Taylor Swift with?

I just can't afford V.I.P. tickets.

So, they found a way to go to the concert that Sue could afford.

I hope she does "Shake It Off."

[Music, cheering in distance]

[Gasps] Wait.

I think this is "Shake It Off."

[Both squeal]

We love you, Taylor!

[Both screaming]

Whoo!

Hey.

What's going on?

Oh, yeah.

You weren't here yesterday. You didn't hear the news.

They're shutting down the entire fruit pie division.

What?

Yep. [Sighs]

Today's our last day.

Tough day, huh? Tough day.

I don't understand. What happened?

I took your suggestion about the fruit pies.

Young people aren't eating them. They're never gonna eat them.

Every now and then, you just got to face the facts and fire 50 people.

No! Wait.

That's not what I meant.

I love fruit pies.

I mean, come on.

Look at this thing.

Oh!

Mmm!

[Muffled] This is delicious.

I'm gonna tell all my friends about this.

Everything's gonna be okay!

No. You were right.

It's an old pastry.

Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

Your first bloodbath is the toughest.

But I tell ya, Axl, if you keep coming up with those great ideas, you might have my job someday.

Oh, god.

[School bell rings]

Cindy, Troy, it has come to my attention via my mom that I might have been engaging in some bad behavior.

In fact, the word "tyrant" has been bandied about.

Anyway, I just want to say that if that's true, I'm sorry.

I'm kind of new at this friendship thing, and I guess I'm not very good at it.

It's okay.

My mom said I should apologize for flaking.

She said I should be nicer to my friends 'cause I don't have a lot of options.

My mom said the same thing.

So we're still friends?

Yeah.

Sure.

Good.

Maybe we should do something that a group of friends does, then.

What do friends do?

I think they get French fries.

Okay. I'll see you guys at the fry place.

Wait.

I think when they go, they might actually go together.

Yep, sometimes the key to friendship is not having a lot of other options.

So you've got to be grateful for what you have, because when you think about it, aren't we all just random pieces lost in the carpet of life, looking for where we fit?

Karen, would you do me the honor of being my wife?

There are so many considerations.

Yeah, yeah.

... the kids... It's just...

We have to talk to them about it.

Absolutely.

Well?

Probably.

Uh-huh.

I mean, it's just...

It's really more complicated than it seems.

Brad: It's not complicated, it's simple.

You either love me or don't.

If you love me, it's a "yes." If you don't, it's a "no."

So, do you love me?

Yes.

See? It's simple.

So, we'll be married, right?

Probably.