01x15 - The Biter

[bunniefuu]

I wish they were available in a darker shade of black, though.

Ugh.

How 'bout these?

Let's see these.

(scoffs) This is how you see me?

A guy who wears boxy glasses like an idiot?

A boxy-glassed idiot?

Hmm...

Sara: Stand down.

He left them in Edie's bed again.

Give me, give me, give me, give me, give me.

You're welcome.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. See? Sophisticated yet playful.

(phone chimes)

Welcome home, boys.

(Sara giggles)

What? Let me see.

No.

W... You going out with Ryan again? Whoo...

It's not Ryan. It's Brian.

Wait, there might be a Ryan also.

Anyway, this is Scott.

He's very promising. His sister is my accountant.

Sounds like a write-off to me. (chuckles)

I literally came up with that right now.

Literally right now?

Uh-huh.

Wow.

Your accountant's a woman?

Um, yes. With a hot brother.

Oh. Oh. Well, you know what they say.

Small boat...

Stop...

(phone rings)

No one says that!

Small dinghy.

Oh. Hello?

(chuckles) See, the beauty of the small dinghy joke, you didn't see it coming.

Came out of nowhere. Right.

Yeah.

That was Edie's school.

They want me to come down there.

I'm an emergency contact.

You are? Am I?

Am I an emergency contact?

I mean, I'm the most important man in her life. Besides her father.

I mean, he plays a certain role, too.

I should go with you.

Yes. Fine. Whatever.

All right.

Oh, you know what? They called me, too.

They-they tried me three times, so...

Ten times, actually, so...

That's great! You win! It's so weird.

I wonder why they couldn't reach Vanessa and Gerald.

Look at us. Right? Phones off so we can focus on the app we created to help co-parent our kid.

Best parents ever. (grunts)

Oh, yeah.

(trilling, grunting)

(chuckles)

Strobe light.

(both mimic beeping and funky music)

We spent too much time rehearsing that.

Now we're hunkering down. We're ready to rock.

Yes.

Uh, so here's how the app works.

The app helps par...

Ravi?

Sorry, still on that handshake.

I was thinking I could improve upon it, but I like what you guys are doing.

I'm all ears.

The app helps parents who don't live together coordinate their kids' lives. Like schedules...

Appointments.

School assignments.

I came up with the idea, and I also came up with the idea for Gerald to do all the work making it.

We are a very good team.

Color me impressed.

I have an eye for this kind of thing.

You guys have the next Google on your hands.

Oh! I knew it.

Google? (chuckles) Yeah, it's just a prototype that lives on my computer.

Time-out. Prototype? Computer?

Um, that's how Google started.

Keep going.

Uh... we would need some investor money for stuff like software and server space.

Stickers, hoodies, water bottles.

Yeah.

Well, you are in luck.

You ever heard of a guy named Kirk Kelly?

Yeah, yeah.

He helped launch ChurchHookups.com and-and p*rn. You know him?

Do I know him? (chuckles)

Yeah, we were in the same pledge class together: Chi Psi, AKA the frat that loved Adam Sandler movies and partying. Yeah, Kirk and I are bros.

We text on the regs.

Do you think you could text him for us?

Unfortunately, I'm out of texts this month.

But... you guys are worth the seven cents.

I'm on it.

(chuckles)

Awesome.

Yo, man.

(chuckles)

Oh, no, no, and then it's a left.

(both trilling)

(sputtering)

Your rhythm's way off.

You're better than this.

Sorry.

Thank you, Ravi!

(slurps)

Mmm!

Now, that is good maté.

Thank you for coming down today, Sara.

And who are you?

Oh, I'm Edie's other emergency contact.

No, he's not.

Different truths.

Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering why you're here. Edie is fine.

Sara: Good.

Jimmy: Good, good.

She was just bitten by another child.

What?!

What? Edie.

Honey!

She's permanently d*sfigured.

She's a monster now.

Oh, no, it goes away when you rub it.

Sara: What?

What little sicko did this?

Bring him in here.

Or her.

Oh, so it's a her.

No, I'm just pointing out the sexism in your phraseology.

Yeah, Sara, get with the times.

Even some accountants are women.

Just tell us who did this, so we can speak to the parents and work it out.

Well, obviously I can't share the biter's identity.

I'm sorry?

It's a policy here at Cricket Canyon.

These incidents, they're teachable moments that we prefer to handle internally.

That way the biter doesn't feel less than.

"Less than"? Someone bit Edie.

There is less Edie.

Well, didn't break skin, so...

This is unbelievable. In my day... wow, I can't believe you just made me say "in my day"... school policy did not prevent parents from protecting their children...

Okay, so you're starting to raise your voice because you're getting angry...

No, that's how she always talks.

Right now, you're at an orange-red.

What do you think we can do to get you down to green?

Oh...

I'm not sure the chart's helping.

Yee-haw!

Dad cow...

Gerald: I mean, some even say binary code is the language of love.

Who says that?

Programmers.

Ravi: Gerald!

There you are. First off, sweet pad.

I rock that exact same futon. More importantly, didn't you get my 50 texts? That's, like, four bucks, man.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah. We're staying offline until we make some real progress.

Guys, I've got great news.

I got you that meeting with Kirk Kelly!

This Friday, 2:00.

Oh.

Uh...

Yeah... uh, Friday, that's only three days to get the app fully functional, though.

And prepare a pitch.

Oy vey, as the Jews say.

I gotta say, this isn't the reception I expected.

I thought I'd be getting sprayed with champagne right now.

I brought these goggles.

No, it's awesome.

Ravi, this is amazing. Thank you. Okay?

We'll be ready by Friday. Thank you.

Yes.

You know? And since I know Kirk, you can practice your presentation on me this Thursday.

Now, with that said, I'm gonna get out of your hair, because you kids have a lot of work to do.

Thank you, Ravi!

Jimmy: Hey, Ravi.

Hey.

What's my chef doing here?

Why do you have my baby?

She got bitten at school!

What?

(gasps) You okay, Mama?

They called us both down, so, you know...

And get this, they have some touchy-feely policy not to tell us which kid did it, so we are powerless to protect Edie.

Uh...

Actually, we agree with the policy.

Yeah. It's progressive. So, you know, they do things differently than when we were back at school.

Freaking millennials.

You should've seen her face down at the school.

Total orange-red. Ow.

The important thing is is that Edie's okay.

And let's just trust the school to handle this the Cricket Canyon way and-and make sure that Edie doesn't get bitten again.

She got bitten again!

Cricket freaking Canyon!

Now can we handle this my way?

Hey, hey! Enjoy a tasty app while you work on your app.

It's not really an app, it's an entree, but I used "app" for the jo... I'm still not on the contact list?!

What's it gonna take?

Well, I'm mad about Edie, too.

I'm mad about two things.

So we can talk to their parents and make it stop.

Right. So we're gonna ask you one more time who it is, okay? And don't say...

Santa.

Santa!

My baby ain't no rat.

Maybe we need to change schools.

This is the worst week for this to happen.

I guess we got to cancel the pitch, right?

You are not canceling the pitch.

You are not changing schools.

You let me handle this. I'll find the biter.

Yeah, and I'm gonna help her. No matter what we have to do.

(humming cheerfully)

Any ideas on what we should do?

(Edie humming)

Edie: Santa.

It is so great that you volunteered to be Helper Crickets today.

Of course.

We love the school, and we just want to do our part.

Right, Jimmy?

Yeah. Chirp, chirp.

That's what crickets say. (chirring) Cricket!

A cricket can make whatever sound you want it to make.

Okay.

Okay. No, it can't.

It makes a very specific sound.

Yeah. (chirring)

Hey, kid. Hey.

You like candy? Well, I like names.

Which one of these punks bit Edie?

(shrieks)

That's your plan... shaking down toddlers?

I'm being perfectly reasonable. I'm just trying to get a name so we can talk to the kid's parents.

Oh, but if you're not comfortable with the duties of an emergency contact...

I see what you're doing here. Don't try to bait me into participating in your chicanery, in your tomfoolery, in your...

"On Tuesday, Hungry Hedgehog ate one cupcake, two carrots, and bit a classmate on the arm."

Has anyone here bit a classmate on the arm? Anyone?

That's not how the book goes.

Well, when you're the Helper Cricket, you can read the book any way you want.

I hate you.

Hey, sweetie.

Let's solve a mystery together.

Do you know who bit Edie?

My cat bit my dog and my dog yelled like this. (howls)

All right, that's great. Get out of here. Next.

So... this is what the biter looks like, huh?

I can work with this.

Mm-hmm.

Sara: Hi, sweetie. Let's solve a mystery together. Do you know who bit Edie?

Maybe a ghost?

Is this a joke to you?

Smile.

Did you bite Edie?

Hey!

I like swinging, don't you?

You like biting? You ever just, uh, bite a kid?

You're right... this didn't work.

Guess I forgot how stupid kids are.

Sorry you came up empty, but I've got some promising leads.

Girl: I heard you're looking for a biter.

I'll sing for you.

But it don't come cheap.

Oh, my God, she's the same age as the rest of them, yet she speaks like us.

This is really cool.

What do you want for it, kid?

My name is Clementine.

And I want a sand castle.

A good one.

But you better be quick, because recess is almost over.

How are you at sand castles?

(humming a tune)

Nice moat work.

When did you get so good at building sand castles?

I've always been artistic. I'm just shy about it.

Oh, that's right, I forgot what a sensitive creature you are.

You have a bandage in your hair.

Ew! Yuck. Get it out, get it out.

Ooh, sorry.

Don't worry, I got you.

Thank you.

Clementine: This'll do.

This'll do just fine.

Dragon att*ck!

Oh!

Oh!

Jimmy: My moat, my moat!

(school bell rings)

Hey, wait a minute... we need a name.

Who's the biter?

Alex is!

Alex. Our work here is done.

Wrong, rookie. It's just begun.

I like this side of you.

You're like a badass chick on Criminal Mind or something.

All right entrepre-nerds, let's hear your pitch.

Pretend I'm Kirk. Okay?

Okay.

Hi Kirk, nice to meet you...

Stop right there. Nice?

You know what's nice?

Homemade jam.

Guys, this is Kirk freaking Kelly.

He is the jam.

Not to mention my boy.

Let's start over.

Okay.

Right.

Hi, Kirk, it's an honor to meet you...

Stop. Don't suck up.

Guys, come on!

This ain't no disco.

This ain't no country club either.

This is Kirk Kelly.

Does he know that... I don't think so.

You got to be on point. You got to be on your toes.

You got to think fa... Aah! Ooh.

That was impressively fast.

Why are you being so intense about this?

I mean, if Kirk's your boy, it shouldn't matter.

Uh, there's no "if" there.

If I have a son, I'm gonna name him Kirk.

And I'll never love him as much as I love Kirk Kelly.

Wh... You're guaranteeing right now that if you have a kid, you will love him less than Kirk Kelly.

That's what I said.

What?

All right, now, let's try this again from the top. And by the way, it's "Kirk," not "Kirk."

Uh, okay... Kirk.

Better. Now think fast...

(Ravi grunts, thuds)

Thank you so much for having Alex over.

It's rare the grandparents host a playdate.

It's not that rare.

Yeah, it happens all the time.

I just have to ask, though, is Edie gonna stay in the playpen the whole time?

Oh, about that. We may be old school, but we prefer Edie to play with kids that don't try to eat her.

I'm sorry?

That's right...

Alex bit Edie twice.

This whole playdate thing was a brilliant ruse.

A playdate with grandparents?

Come on. Think, Brenda.

I am so sorry. Alex, what did we say?

If you acted out one more time, no Disneyland.

Maybe next year, bud.

Dad: This'll never happen again.

I think Alex is misbehaving because his grandfather passed.

That's why he hasn't been in school all week.

Edie was bitten yesterday.

Let it go. We're in too deep.

Alex, it's Mickey Mouse on the phone.

He says he's very unhappy with you.

Look at his eyes.

Stay strong.

Oh...

I can't believe Clementine lied.

Well, anyone who destroys a castle that beautiful can't be trusted.

Yeah.

So... back to the school tomorrow?

Biter's got to be out there somewhere.

I don't know. Maybe we should hang it up.

Really?

Yeah, we did the vigilante thing and just destroyed a three-year-old's vacation.

Well, don't worry, I slipped Alex a 20 on his way out.

Sara: Ugh.

I'll talk to the school again.

It'll probably be fine.

You think?

This was kind of fun, though.

Yeah, we did have fun.

(phone rings)

Who's that? Who's that?

Oh. Hey, hey! Scott has docked, so looks like tomorrow night is on.

Oh, cool... small boat guy.

Whoo-hoo.

Hello, Scotland Yard.

Uh, it's a Sherlock Holmes reference.

No, no, no, no. It's fine.

Well, he's hot. Leave me alone.

Yeah, tomorrow's good. I can't wait.

♪ Got bricks, got grams, what you need, let me know ♪
♪ Hold up, you know I keep the homie ♪
♪ Right beside me, man down, dang... ♪

Ravi, I see you're working your usual corner.

What's a billion dollars get me?

(laughs) Kirk, man.

Dude, I'm glad you made it. I was gonna tell you to Waze it and then I'm like, "Uh, smarten up, Ravi, this is the guy who invented technol..."

(snoring)

(laughing)

Oh... You got me, man.

No, I deserved it.

I was being long-winded and boring. Come here.

Whoa.

Hey, Kirk, it's so exciting to meet you, man.

What, you want an autograph or something?

Sure.

Dude, calm down, I'm not Jeremy Piven.

Oh.

Then no.

What, I'm not as cool as Jeremy Piven to you?

What?

Relax, I'm messing. Piven's a friend.

And you don't have to kiss my ass. Ravi's mom took care of that before I got here, right?

Ravi: Man, Kirk, when I don't see you for a while, I kind of forget what a skank my mom is. Classic.

Incoming.

Ooh.

Ravi, grab those.

You like to be on your knees, huh?

You know I do. Hey!

Like my mom, right? (laughs)

Is he always like this?

Like what... hilarious?

He seems like he's the worst.

Yeah, the worst at not being the best.

You know, you remind me of my stepbrother.

Oh, is he awesome?

No, no, he's in jail for stalking Oprah.

Anyway, let's get inside so you guys can buy me dinner.

(quietly) Yeah.

Hey.

Annelise: I need your credit card so I can send Alex those anonymous Disneyland tickets.

Preschool yearbook?

Eh, at least you're reading.

So close to catching this guy.

Or girl. The biter could be either sex.

Annelise: You're still on this?

Yes, of course. I'm nothing if not a champion of justice.

You've stolen bathrobes from every luxury hotel chain in America.

Yeah, here, here, here, here, here, here...

Good-bye.

Thank you.

I wish Sara was here to help me.

Whatever.

Just text me the address for Alex's parents.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

Say that again.

Which part?

Alex's parents.

When I asked who the biter was, Clementine said, "Alex is." Alex is. Alex is.

Alex is. Alexis. Alexis. Alexis!

Alexis!

Aha!

Gotcha.

CoParentPro isn't just gonna change the way single parents communicate.

It's gonna change the entire concept of co-parenting.

Not to mention 128-bit encryption and cloud syncing capability.

Which are words I know.

What did I tell you? My girl's like Steve Wozniak!

You're like Steve Blobs.

(laughing): Yeah, 'cause it's like Steve Jobs.

It's a good one.

It's okay to laugh when I'm funny.

(forced laughter)

It's classic!

Um... but, uh, you-you know, the beauty of CoParentPro is that it seamlessly merges every aspect of childcare, so, be it schedules, appointments, meals, schoolwork...

Mm-hmm.

So that even if both parents aren't under the same roof, they'll be on...

Both: the same page.

It's like the next Google.

I have a question.

Please.

So... the two of you... had a baby together?

Yeah.

So, how did this happen?

What, did he Revenge of the Nerds you with a Darth Vader mask?

Listen, Kirk, I don't know what you're insinuating here, because I've only seen Nerds in Paradise...

Oh, don't get offended. I'm just asking the question everyone who's ever met you wants to know.

Th-This is ridiculous.

You're not even listening to the pitch.

Oh, you mean the pitch that told me you have next to no experience in tech, no proof-of-concept or sales, yet you're valuing your company at 100K?

So between all those hilarious insults, you were listening.

It's good multi-tasking.

Well, now that you know I am listening, why don't you pitch it out again and see if you can address some of my concerns?

(both laugh weakly)

Hey! Finally.

Where you been?

I was in the shower.

Are you the idiot who's been calling every 30 seconds?

No, I'm the idiot who cracked the case.

I got a name and an address.

Seriously? That's amazing!

Meet me in Hancock Park.

We'll wait for the biter's parents to come home, we'll give them a good talking to.

It'll be like an old-fashioned stakeout.

I have the Scott thing, remember?

Oh, right. Small boat guy.

All right, I guess I can fly solo.

No, we're a team. Send me the address.

I've got an hour.

And I'm doing my makeup in the car!

Great. I'll bring snacks.

Ooh, I love snacks!

(humming quietly)

If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're preparing for a date.

Date? What? I'm not preparing for a date.

I'm making some food for the car.

You're grating a truffle, Jimmy.

Are you implying that...?

You need to lay off the reefer, man.

What?! Yeah, perhaps I should.

Date.

Have fun with Sara.

Mer dating a guy with a boat 'cause you can't wear heels on the dock.

I had to go with wedges.

Yeah, wedges are good.

Is everything okay?

You would never approve wedges.

Yeah. No. I'm just...

We need to stay focused now.

I think Alexis's parents should be home in 20 minutes.

(laughs)

What?

Can we really call this a stakeout if we know exactly when they're coming home?

Not really.

It's more like we're early.

(laughing) Right.

(laughs)

What are we doing?

We're in a parked car, watching someone's house, eating prosciutto di melone.

(laughs)

I think we're the crazy grandparents.

You could make that argument.

Here. Try the burrata.

Oh, my God.

That is amazing!

Mm-hmm.

Would it be terrible to say that Edie getting bitten was worth it for this food?

Yes, that would be terrible.

(both laughing)

What will you make if she gets pushed off a swing?

Oh.

(laughs)

Crab cakes.

Lemon aioli, pair it with a nice Chardonnay.

Not bad, not bad.

I'm not hearing anything about a dessert.

(chuckles) Mm!

You know what I'd make?

You like... Remember in the old days you'd love...

Scott said he's ready to meet up.

♪ When we were young... ♪

I don't really want to drive out to Marina Del Rey.

Then you have to be in Marina Del Rey.

Maybe I should just cancel and stay here.

♪ When you were young... ♪

No, go on the date.

Scott seems promising.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

You're on board with small boat guy?

You know what they say, small boat, big... potential.

I hate to say it, but the old version of that line was funnier.

All right.

I'm off to Marina Del Rey. Blech.

Have fun.

(Sara laughs, Jimmy laughs)

♪ I will be still ♪

(car door closes)

♪ Give it to me. ♪

In conclusion, our market analysis and real-world experience make it clear that CoParentPro will be an unqualified success.

I hope we've addressed all your concerns.

I'm impressed.

You actually have.

Oh, except for one.

Is looking at your baby a daily reminder of the most terrible mistake you've ever made?

(laughs) Okay, we're done here.

Thank God.

What?

You know, I've waited a long time to get paid to do something that I love, and you have the money to make it happen, but it doesn't matter, 'cause I don't do business with douchebags.

Mm.

And for the record, Vanessa has made way worse mistakes than me.

That's true.

Yup. It's time for you to go, Kirk.

What, are you serious?

Yeah. Go away.

Have a nice night.

Don't tell me what to do.

Aah! All right, look, it's obvious you guys can't take a joke, slash my jokes probably don't make me as cool as I think they do.

But anyway, your app's a winner, and I'm in.

Well, we are not.

What if I give you double the seed money?

It's too late, Kirk. Get it through your skull.

Yeah.

You're gonna have to take that seed money and shove it right up...

Both: We're in!

What? What?

(screaming)

Hug me, brother! Yes!

It's the tech industry.

We're gonna have to do business with jerks.

At least this jerk gave us double our seed money.

Yeah, I told you you'd like him.

Ah, good job, lobs.

(camera shutter clicking)

What am I doing here?

Well, Sara left, and I didn't want to be a grown man sitting out alone in front of a child's home.

Oh!

There's Alexis's parents. Come on.

Hey! Your kid bit my granddaughter!

Oh, well, that means your kid spat in my kid's face!

The school wouldn't tell us who it was.

Ah. Call it even, then?

No, no, no, no... what's your granddaughter's name?

Uh... Clementine.

She hangs out in the sandbox.

Snitch had it coming.