03x02 - Young & Coachella

[bunniefuu]

Oh my God, is this really happening?

Mm-hmm. It is. It is happening.

And it's real. I'm not dreaming? Here, pinch me.

(Gasps)

It's not a dream!

Do you know how long I've waited for this?

A year and three months, roughly.

Wait, what if something goes wrong?

I mean, every time we've been close to getting together, something happens.

Not this time.

Well, what's different this time?

Oh. That.

You know, I could stay here with you all day.

I gotta go.

What?

Well, don't get me wrong, Josh. I'm really into this, but I'm also really into that.

That thing... the food truck.

Oh, why did I help you with your dream?

Oh, it's... it's not just that.

I mean, Jake was really cool with you and me, but leaving him with the food truck to cook on his own?

I mean, there's only so much coolness a man can give.

You're right. You should definitely stay.

But how about I find us a beautiful hotel so when you're done with that, we can start this?

Oh, I love that idea.

You know what I love?

Making out with me?

It's like we share a brain.

(Theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She'd run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby. Baby ♪

Okay, there you go. Enjoy.

Wow, people are loving our mushroom popovers.

Yeah, till they wait an hour and don't feel anything.

Either way, we are k*lling it.

Best team ever.

Uh, you know, professionally, of course.

Jake, I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.

Gabi, for the 10th time, I swear I'm good with you and Josh.

You're amazing.

She's right. That was amazing.

What do you mean?

Your performance of "guy who's totally cool having just been dumped."

Sofia, it wasn't an act.

I really am cool with Gabi and Josh.

Yeah, and I'm totally cool with Ruben dumping me again.

Listen, it's just us.

Tell me you haven't been thinking about cutting the brakes on Josh's car and having him accidentally veer off the road to run over Ruben.

What? No!

You were just dumped. How can you be so nice?

I feel happy that other people are happy.

(Blows raspberry)

Sofia, I lived with monks in Nepal for a year.

"My religion is kindness." So says the Dalai Lama.

Yeah? Well, my religion is, you cut me, I cut you deeper.

So says the Li'l SoSo.

Okay, who's ready to salvage our honeymoon with a "staycation" at the Four Seasons?

Me! I am!

I love my new husband.

That's your suitcase?

I thought you used a sardine can like Stuart Little.

(Laughing)

Oh! That wasn't good.

Yoyo, is your back okay?

Oh, it's just a little pinch. I'll be fine.

Ah!

Oh, Let me help.

My cousin's a chiropractor.

He taught me a little trick.

(Back cracking)

Ah! Oh my damn!

I think that's my T7! Ah!

Oh! There went my L5!

I'm so sorry.

No wonder my cousin now works at Urban Outfitters.

If we leave now, we can catch the complementary mimosa brunch. Let's go!

What?

What?

Our friend has just been hurt, and by my own hands. We can't just leave her.

Of course we can.

She's the one who can't walk, not us.

Come on.

Are you serious?

Your friend's in need and you just want to abandon her like garbage on the side of the road?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you've gone too far.

She is not my friend.

(Bass b*at blaring)

Aw, sweet tent!

Ain't she a beaut?

Is that for you and Gabi tonight?

Oh, this tent?

Oh, ah... it's not just for me and Gabi.

Anyone can use it, really. It's a necessities one.

There's... look, you know, all the hotels in Coachella...

Josh, I'm cool with you and Gabi.

Really, man? Are you sure? Because, Jake, I would feel terrible if there were any...

There isn't. Josh, it's all good.

We're good.

Good.

Something else on your mind?

No! No, I mean, I'm good, man.

It's just... I'm kind of freaking out about tonight.

What's the problem?

I mean, I'm usually fine with this kind of stuff.

This "kind of stuff," meaning being with a woman?

Well, not just any woman. It's Gabi.

Jake, I've never felt like this about anyone.

And we've been so close so many times, I-I don't want to blow it.

Oh. Now I get it.

Performance anxiety.

Yes! Wait, what?

I mean, the last thing you need is a premature "e-Josh-ulation."

No!

No, no, no. That's not what I'm talking about.

Okay. So what are you talking about then?

The relationship stuff.

The sex stuff? Not the sex stuff!

I'm not talking about the sex stuff. There'll be no problem with sex stuff.

But if I suddenly thought it could be a problem, what were you going to say?

Oh, just in situations where you're afraid you'll finish before you get started, there is a numbing spray that you could just put on down there...

Okay!

No. Thank you, but not in a million years would I ever need something like that.

But if I suddenly thought I would need it, where would I buy it?

My date with Josh is going to be romantic and magical.

"Romantagical."

Well, I'm very excited for you even though I am bummed and depressed...

"bumpressed."

So, ah, what are you going to wear on this "romantagical" evening?

This.

Oh, plus my red hamburger print undies that say "cute buns" on the back.

Oh.

Why "oh"?

You didn't bring anything sexier?

Sofia, Josh and I are starting a relationship.

I think we go a little bit deeper than caring about what we wear.

Oh, that being said, I showered a tweezed. "Shweezed."

Mmm. Well, you know what? I think you're right.

Josh doesn't care if your undies match because you're a match.

Right? I mean, I could probably wear a poncho and he wouldn't care.

(Laughs) You probably could.

But don't!

"Numb-Numb.

"De-sensitizing spray for men.

Works within minutes, lasts four to six hours."

Hours are good.

(Spraying)

One more for good luck.

(Long spray)

Ooh, this is good.

Tingly.

Knock knock!

Hey, beautiful.

Hi.

Mwah! Ta-dah!

Oh my God, I love it! This is incredible.

Ah, I actually have a bit of a lesser surprise for you too.

Oh, amazing. Open it.

Gabi, hey, I know, ah, a tent isn't every girl's dream, but... you're not every girl.

Aw! And you're not every guy.

Now tonight is going to be so... fun.

Oh my God!

Are you okay?

Fine. Didn't feel a thing.

Mmm.

Nothing.

Good, because I don't want anything to ruin this night.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, what?

Uh-oh, I just don't want you to think that we're moving too fast, you know?

'Cause if you want me to slow it down, I totally get it.

I'm fine, but I love that you're so sensitive.

Actually, I'm not.

May our feelings continue to grow.

God willing.

Can you believe that we're finally together?

(Giggling)

No, I can't feel it at all... believe it at all.

So what do you want to do now?

You know what I want to do?

What?

Talk.

Let's talk for about four to six hours.

(Gasps)

Gabi? Is that you?

Yep.

Tell me everything that happened last night!

Well, we talked.

Uh-huh?

And we cuddled.

Gabi? You left out the sex part.

Yeah, so did he!

What?

There was no sex part.

Oh! I hate it when guys just want to talk and cuddle.

It's like, "I've got needs, bitch."

I wanted it to be really special, and I was open to wherever things went, but they went nowhere.

I should have taken your advice and stepped up my game.

Oh.

But he asked me to hang out again tonight, and I am not making the same mistake twice.

Hell, yeah, you're not!

You're gonna bring it.

Ha, ha!

What are you gonna bring?

I don't know.

Thoughts, input, advice?

Well, what Ruben always liked was leaving me for another woman.

So don't ask me. Ask him.

I can't ask him.

I need a guy I didn't just date and a guy who's not my guy's brother.

Yeah, but maybe your guy's brother will know something about your guy because they're brothers.

Hey. Just ask me.

Okay, fine.

If a girl was going to be with a guy, and she really wanted to bring it... what exactly would she bring?

Are you asking me how to bring it to Josh?

No!

(Whispering) Maybe.

Well... I don't know if I should be telling you this, but I do know one thing Josh likes to be brung.

What?

I did not know this about him. Shut up!

Keep talking.

Ooh, my back kept me up all night.

Let me give you a massage, Yolanda.

We're going to cater to your every need.

See? Look at that beautiful sandwich Elliot made.

Elliot?

What? You want half?

No, but Yolanda might.

Oh, please, you've never eaten half of anything.

Excuse my rude husband, Yolanda.

I'm not being rude.

I'm taking care of her, like you asked.

This is taking care of her?

Yes. If we coddle her, we're just encouraging her to be injured.

Where did you learn that?

From my mom.

When we were sick, she'd take away our pillows and give them back when we got better.

That was our reward.

(Cell phone ringing)

Oh, that's the pharmacy.

Yolanda's muscle relaxants are ready.

I'm gonna pick them up.

Oh, and get some aspirin.

Yolanda's complaining is giving me a migraine.

Can I just say one thing?

If this is how you treat someone who's like family, God forbid I ever get sick.

Oh God, Yolanda, now Alan thinks I'm an uncaring monster.

(Gabi) Hi, Josh.

Gabi, hey. So about last night, you know when you go and see a movie for the first time and it's kind of a let-down, but then you go and see it a second time and you love it?

Why would you pay to see a movie you didn't like again?

Never mind. I was trying to make an analogy about last night.

Why don't we forget about last night?

I would like that very much.

You know what helps people forget?

Drinks.

Big ones.

All right, so, ah, I was thinking martinis.

Uh, I also have some tequila. What do you think?

(Whip lashes)

Wow.

Whoa.

What are you doing?

Oh, I know you likey.

I know all your fantasies, Joshua.

And I'm gonna make them come true!

Ow, God.

Why do you like this?

I don't!

Hey, give me back my spanky thingy.

Gabi, what is going on?

That's what I want to know!

I mean, last night, you couldn't have been less interested in me.

And tonight, I do your favorite thing and you want me to stop.

I mean, what is it, Josh? Is it me?

Does my breath smell?

No, no, no, no! No, no, don't...

(Sprays)

Ugh!

(Lisping) Hey, what is this stuff?

Why is my tongue doing this?

That's, uh... numbing spray.

Why would you use this stuff?

It was Jake. He got in my head.

He made me worry about my... endurance.

Jake?

He's also the one who told me you like this!

Oh my God!

How didn't I see this?

He's trying to sabotage our relationship.

What?

(Lisping) Nobody sabotages our relationship but us.

Ow! Please stop!

I'm sorry.

Jake?

You and the Dalai Lama would be very proud of me.

I just sent Ruben an email wishing him and his girlfriend nothing but happiness.

Oh, good for you.

Yeah. Oh, one little question... when do I start feeling better?

Jake, we need to talk.

Now!

(Lisping) Yeah. Explain this.

Oh, so you bought the stuff?

Yeah, the stuff you told me to buy!

Yeah, and why did you tell me he was into S&M?

'Cause he is.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. Remember the Melanie girl you dated in college?

The one with a shark tattoo who ruled at hacky sack?

She was into it and you couldn't shut up about it.

Sure know a lot about Melanie.

Want to know why? You dated her!

What? No. Oh my God, it was me.

That's weird. Why did I think it was you?

Because you're not the Dalai Lama.

You're a human being with feelings.

Ha ha! I knew it!

And you were subconsciously trying to get even with Josh and Gabi because you're secretly mad they're together.

No, that... that is ridiculous.

(Lisping) Is it, Jake? Is it?

Jake, you said you were cool with everything.

I am!

But maybe, down deep, I am kinda mad.

I mean, when you think about, it wasn't very cool what you did... you acted all generous, sent me down here with Gabi, then showed up and told her that you have feelings for her?

You totally backstabbed me.

Good. Open your heart. Let the hate out.

And then... and then you choose him.

And I have to listen to you guys come up to me and ask me questions about how to make each other feel good!

It totally sucks!

(Whispering) Wow.

A lot of anger there.

I got layers. Oh!

You're right... about everything.

I was so wrapped up in myself that I didn't think about you.

I should have been a better brother.

And I'm sorry.

(Lisping) I'm sorry too.

We suck.

Hugs?

You too, Sofia.

I can't believe it! My honeymoon's a bust and now Alan hates me.

Could this get any worse?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Fine.

Let's get you up. Give me your hands.

Come on, you can do this.

(Grunting)

Ah! Okay, I'm up.

But I don't know if I could walk.

You want this?

I'm not a dog.

But I do want it!

Ow, ow, ow, ow. I can't... I can't... I can't... I can't do this.

(Inhaling)

Mmm, nougat.

Damn it, I love nougat!

Ow, ow, ow.

Right foot, left foot. Come on.

Come on.

I can't believe this is working.

(Door closes)

(Yolanda) Aren't you going to lower me on the bowl?

Thanks, Elliot! I'm sorry I messed up your honeymoon.

I'm sorry for being so cold when you got hurt.

Maybe that's what I love about Alan.

He makes me a better person.

Oh my God. I can't believe I ever doubted you, my Asian Florence Nightingale.

I love you.

And I love you.

Good. So will you do something for me?

Anything. What?

(Yolanda) All done!

That.

Bye!

Well, at least we got our first awkward bondage experience out of the way.

Hey, I said "first," and then I said "said."

Hey, high five for getting our feeling back to all of our proper places.

You know, I actually do have a fantasy.

You do?

Mm-hmm.

I want to do it...

Yeah?

(Whispering) ...in your bed.

Keep going.

That's it.

I mean, the first time we did it, we didn't know each other, and we were drunk, and we didn't even remember it.

My fantasy is a total do-over.

I love it.

Mmm?

We can leave as soon as you're done with the food truck.

Oh, but we already sold out of everything.

Great. Let's leave first thing in the morning.

Or we could leave right now. Go!

It's like we share a brain.

Thanks for staying and helping me drive the truck back.

Oh, we are break-up buddies.

I would not leave you in the dust.

Turns out you were right. Being dumped is the worst.

There are certain things you can do to move on.

Mmm, yeah? Like what?

Crying, eating, long bubble bath.

What about rebound sex?

(Snorts)

Jake.

That is so soulless. It's empty and sad.

And... oh, you mean with me?

Yeah, unless you don't want to...

Oh my God, did we...

We did not.

Are you sure?

So sure.

We must have been so tired, we passed out.

Huh.

Hey, maybe it's not a bad thing.

You know, if we're going to have a do-over, we might as well do it right.

We're going on a date tonight... a real date.

Oh, I would love that.

I mean, I'll have to ask my boss first, but I think he might say yes.

Mmm.

Mmm.

(Laughs)

Sofia, are you awake?

What?

Oh, hi.

Did we...

We did.

You sure?

So sure.

You want to do it again?

Don't ask stupid questions.