07x04 - Dr. Beth

[bunniefuu]

(laughter)

Blake was P.O.'ed.

Hey... Is that child star Chuggy Simple?

It sure is.

Wow.

Why did he refer to you as "Dr. Beth," nurse Beth?

Well, do you want the short version or the long version?

Actually, I only have time for the short version.

Then I guess I'll start way back at the beginning.

It was four years ago.

There's a new nurse starting today.

Sy assigned me to sexually harass her, like I don't have enough to do.

I know -- it's like, do they want us to care for our patients or spend all day sexually harassing the nurses?

Sal: Attention, nurses. 8:00 a.m. shift begins in one minute.

So, what do you think, nurse Beth? You ready?

I'm so nervous, nurse Janet.

Oh, well, everyone's nervous their first time upstairs.

Just keep your ears open, your mouth closed, and your eyes...

Well, just do what you normally do with your eyes.

woman: Everybody!

Nurse Dori. It's Dori!

8:00 a.m., nurses. Let's go.

Yes, nurse Dori, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

You! Come with me, rookie.

♪

This is where it all happens --

Life, death, and everything in between.

You mean like some sort of liminal zone between life and death?

No.

Doctors.

Oh, yeah.

Watch out for them.

This is your station.

Uh-huh.

Don't overdo it on the perfume.

Always keep a needle and thread close, and buy yourself a nice push-up bra.

Mm-hmm.

Doctors think they need a nurse, but what they really need is something between a mother and a waist-high hooker with no teeth who has handlebars for ears.

Also, buy yourself some nice ear handlebars.

Thanks, Dori.

Nurse Dori.

Nurse Dori.

Hey, nurse Beth. Blake Downs, M.D.

I'm the doctor who's been assigned to sexually harass you.

Okay.

The content will be sexual, of course. You understand -- It's just the power dynamic we're enforcing.

So, let's begin.

(beeping)

Oh, damn it. Mm.

Got to put a pin in this.

Um, what's your early afternoon looking like?

Nurse, patient in room 314 soiled himself.

Nurse! Doctor in 314 soiled himself.

Nurse! I soiled myself.

Right down here.

Soiled myself.

Did it.

Did it again.

(all talking at once)

man: I did it.

The doctors are so mean.

They don't even wipe themselves.

And I'm on my feet all day, except when I'm on my hands, because sometimes they make me walk around on my hands.

Oh, you'll get used to it.

It's all about weight distribution.

I don't think I can do this.

Oh, no. Are you giving up already?

That's a record.

I should call The Guinness Book of World Records.

(crying)

You must be Beth.

I'm Flossie.

Folks around here call me "That Old Nurse who's dying of emphysema."

Tough first day?

Nurse Dori hates me.

Might be she sees something in you like I do.

And she's afraid of her own standing.

You just pay her no mind.

Thanks, Flossie.

You sure do have a white man's idea of an African-American way about you.

I don't have a lot of friends around here.

Nurse Janet seems nice, but she's probably a dumb slut.

Well, you just come to me any time you need motherin', darlin'.

I'm here and I ain't going nowhere.

I love you, Flossie.

(coughing)

Oh, no, I'm late for surgery! I got to go!

(monitor beeping)

Hm, how nice of you to join us, nurse Beth.

Yeah, I'll say.

You look pretty hot in surgical scrubs.

Uh, Owen. Sorry, man.

But if it's not me sexually harassing nurse Beth, Sy's gonna be all over my ass.

Oh, right. I forgot. Apologies.

Is it okay if I tell you about a strip club that me and my boys hit the other night?

As long as it doesn't directly reference nurse Beth, we should be fine.

Great.

Because this place had it all -- chairs, bathrooms, an ATM.

Hey, is that child star Chuggy Simple?

They even had a pay phone right by the cash register.

Uh, Dr. Maestro, you're about to --

By the way, they had a cash register --

Dr. Maestro!

What?

You're about to hit Chuggy's subclavian artery. If you cut that, he'll die.

Oh, my God, you're right.

Good thing Sy isn't here.

But I am here.

I'm so impressed, nurse Beth.

You are?

Yeah.

This croissant is three days old, and yet it tastes like a buttery angel peed in my mouth. And also, I'm impressed with your really quick thinking. You know what, you're no longer a nurse. Ladies and gentlemen, I am so proud to introduce Childrens Hospital's newest doctor, Dr. Beth!

What? Wait, wait, wait. You just wave your hands, and all of a sudden, she's a doctor?

Yes.

Okay, cool. I guess you're one of us.

Oh. Good job.

Wait, stop everything! If anyone is gonna become a doctor, it's me.

Guards, could you remove this nurse from the O.R.?

Guards?

Oh, no!

Scalpel.

All right. Let's do this.

So, where will you live now?

They're giving me a suite in the doctor's penthouse.

(gasps)

I know!

What?

Ladies, get back to work.

Actually, it's okay, girls.

You can stay.

Doctor's orders.

(coughs)

So, what do you guys think?

Should I just go ahead and spring for the Tesla, or...

Hey. Dr. Beth.

I got someone here who wants to say hello.

Chuggy Simple.

You saved my life.

Give me a Chuggy huggy!

I'm having another procedure tomorrow, and I requested that you perform the surgery.

I am honored, Chuggy. I --

Hey, Dr. Beth, we got you one more gift.

♪

It's a doctor's coat.

Wow.

You look lovely, Dr. Beth.

Excuse me, nurse, who said you could talk to me?

(laughs)

Walk on your hands.

Now!

Thank you.

Ugh.

(grunts)

Nurse Dori, I don't like the look on your face.

Beth's gonna be relying on a nurse to hand her the correct instruments at Chuggy's surgery tomorrow.

But I'm not gonna hand her the correct instruments.

I'm gonna hand her instruments that are not correct.

The incorrect ones.

Hate is like a fire, honey.

Then let it burn.

(coughs)

Oh, meanwhile, I'm dying.

♪

Don't go in there, girl.

(coughing)

If you're not gonna spit it out, then get out of my way, Nurse.

Dor-- Dori... setting you up...

(coughs)

Ah.

Anyway.

man: We're ready for your surgery, Dr. Beth.

I can take over, nurse Janet.

Yes, ma'am.

If the nurses are done chatting, maybe we could begin?

I'm sorry, Dr. Beth.

Scalpel.

Retractor.

Oh, doctor, he's bleeding out.

(monitor beeping)

Gauze! Gauze!

He's crashing. Defibrillator!

Defibrillator!

Clear!

(monitor beeping rapidly)

Clear!

(monitor beeping rapidly)

(flatline)

Dr. Beth, your only job was to keep Chuggy alive.

You did the opposite.

I was w--

I was wr-- wrong about you.

Dr. Beth, I am demoting you down to nurse.

Hand over your doctor's coat.

♪

Flossie, I am so sorry!

I have been a jerk to everybody!

Flossie? Flossie?

She's gone.

Gone?

But I didn't even know she was sick.

No one did.

She was probably too proud to show it.

I was awful to her.

I was pretty cool.

She always saw the best in people.

And now I do too.

I'm sorry I was such a... nurse.

I'm sorry I was such a doctor.

Friends?

Yeah. Friends.

Come here.

And that's why, for that one day, I was called Dr. Beth.

Hey, where'd Cat go?

Oh, she left a long time ago, right around the ear handlebars part, I think.

Hey, that reminds me.

I need to get new ear handlebars.

My -- My grips are worn.

♪
♪ It seems so clear ♪
♪ When I look back ♪
♪ 20/20 and all that other crap ♪
♪ Every new roof has a risk of a new collapse ♪
♪ Every new dollar is a risk of a new tax ♪
♪ Right in front of your face, but you can't see ♪
♪ Right in front of your face, but you can't see ♪
♪ Right in front of your face, but you can't see ♪