01x04 - Parties Without Borders
24 hours of detox and 90 days at the Sober Living facility, effective immediately.
I'm sorry guys. I just don't belong here.
No one thinks they belong here, at first.
Welcome to the fun house.
No one can find out that I'm in this place.
Hey, babe. Why did you come to school with the guidance counselor?
What is that?
Since when do you care?
I've seen you lick coke of the ladies' room floor.
We can hang at my place. Come on.
Who was he?
We are not old.
We used to go to raves in the '90s, and now we're picking out which font is better for your wedding invitation.
You're potentially putting your sobriety at risk, as well as Maddie's.
So, you and Maddie can't happen. We clear?
Good night, Maddie.
Man on TV: Oh, this is absolutely fantastic.
It hearkens back to her line from last fall with just a little bit of new accents for this year... (chuckles) just to sort of brighten things up a bit.
Oh, and look at this.
(knocks on door)
(woman on TV gasps) Look what she...
Maddie: You know what's weird about sobriety... reset... one of the many weird things about sobriety?
(TV turns off)
Figuring out who your friends are.
Oh my God! (laughs)
What are you doing here?
I was in town, missing you.
Three years and you just now miss me?
Maddie: You wouldn't think whether your friends like to party would be such a huge deal in your relationship, but it is.
How have you been?
(speaking manically) I've been great!
I mean, I just started this new job, but there's this woman... oh my God, you would just totally die if you had to hear her voice.
I've really been thinking that I should just start my own business, because I have so many original ideas, like a microwave that starts when you whistle, so you don't have to get up off the couch.
I don't know. I just wanna go to Hawaii.
Remember when we used to talk about going there all the time?
I just keep picturing myself on the beach in the sand with a drink, a ukulele, a coconut, and naked man.
But... so, what's going on with you?
Wait. Before you tell me, you're never gonna believe who I ran into.
I heard about Rob.
I kept trying to tell him that he was gonna... that he should stop or at least slow down.
Why... why are you here?
I'm here to try to get you to stop.
I think you should leave.
I think I should stay.
Here is a list of students who got in early admission.
This is a list of kids taking a gap year, and these are the kids who we pray crawl out of here with a diploma between their teeth.
We'll send them to job fairs, counseling.
You can't save all the stray dogs, Cynthia.
What kind of thing is that for a headmaster to say?
We are an elite institution. Our job is to educate the kids who want to be educated.
And you can't do that well when you focus on the screw-ups.
But I do love how compassionate you are.
It's definitely one of your best qualities.
Hey, while I've got you here, this is a list of wedding venues. We really...
Uh, uh, uh. You know the rules.
Business only till four o'clock.
I am very well aware of the rules.
And even though I find them deeply annoying at times, I confess that strong boundaries are one of your best qualities.
What would you say is the very best?
Uh, uh, uh.
Business only until four o'clock, Headmaster.
Craig: So, before we conclude... an announcement.
One of our fellow sober houses in Los Angeles is in a bit of a bind, and they need to tent for something... termites, I believe... and they need a place to stay for the weekend.
I don't like where this is going.
We are heaving with drunks already, Craig.
Where are we gonna put these people?
On cots in our rooms. It'll be fun.
The more the merrier. That's what I always say.
It's just... it's just for a couple of days, and these people really need our help.
Okay? Let's all find some... some charity in our hearts for our fellow addicts.
Destinations Malibu is a very...
As in "$80,000 a month unless you're rich and can afford more" Destinations Malibu?
Right. Well, good, that's decided then.
All right, we have time for one final share, and, Maddie, you're up.
Hi, I'm Maddie.
All: Hi, Maddie.
You guys know I'm the only person in high school here.
It's really been hard.
I know I don't have a job like most of you guys or obligations like kids, but I do have a group of friends who have sustained me through some pretty tough times.
Ones I'm usually in contact with 24/7... and who I'm now totally cut off from.
Those guys are my life.
I feel totally cut off from my life, and it doesn't feel good. That's all.
That... that's good.
Maddie, that's really, really good.
I know many here can identify with the isolation that comes with early sobriety.
Well, have a great day, people.
All: Coming back.
Oh, I'll be here.
Maddie, do you have a minute?
That was a really big deal.
You just shared honestly with your peers for the first time.
You're letting people in.
To that end, I have decided that it is time to give you back... this.
Oh my God. Seriously?
Seriously. Privileges here come with improvement, and I saw real improvement out there today.
Good work, Maddie.
All right. All right.
What's the matter?
I'm a terrible human being.
I'm selfish. I'm narcissistic.
Well, that's practically a definition of an addict.
I'm not an addict!
But I do happen to be the worst girlfriend in the world!
How could I have forgotten my boyfriend's birthday?
(theme music playing)
All right, they're here!
Any number of A-listers could walk through that door right now.
Nice to see you. I can... I can take that for you.
Thank you very much.
Fingers crossed for a brat-packer.
No. With the exception of Molly Ringwald, there isn't a brat-packer I'd wanna hang out with in this day and age.
Welcome to our... our humble abode.
Oh! Oh my God, it's Olivia O'Brien!
B-lister at best.
You gotta be kidding me.
Former child star turned hot mess, turned sober icon, turned spectacularly relapsed DUI car crash headline?
She's my favorite actress.
She was so good in...
Shut up. She's awesome.
Are you the valet?
No. No, no, I'm not the valet.
I'm Craig. I'm the counselor.
Okay. "William Walker, Chief of Counseling, MD, PhD."
And let's see. That's Darnia and Klaus, her sober companion.
And that's Carter and our own Olivia.
Right. Good. Yes.
Guys, would you mind helping our guests with their luggage while I go and get their paperwork?
Please. Thank you.
Nyla: Two hours. That is the longest I've ever been without my phone.
I just wanna take naked selfies and send them to the whole school just because I can.
Well, that's a good way to get back in everyone's good graces.
Then again, it's also a good way to get arrested.
First things first... Zach's birthday.
I really wanna plan something special for him.
Oh. Your benevolence knows no boundaries.
You're gonna have to work a little harder, because he thinks you forgot.
Oh, it's a all part of my diabolical master plan.
Ellie mentioned something about going to see Rosemary's Baby at the drive-in.
Oh, just what every 18-year-old wants to do on their birthday... go to a movie, and since when does Ellie get to plan my boyfriend's birthday?
Well, you haven't exactly been accessible, MG.
Uh, they're doing the pop up store today?
Five for the price of two. How about it?
Maybe next time.
I did the happy dance when I got your text today.
♪ Maddie's got her phone back ♪
♪ Maddie's got her phone back ♪
Hey. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let me see this.
Here's your cut... for the shirt design.
One, two, and three.
Okay, 300 bucks? I've been here since 6:00 a.m., and you're only giving me 10 bucks an hour.
Yeah, well, she's the intellectual property.
You're the labor. That's how the market goes, E.
Yeah, okay. Thank you.
I am so happy to see you.
Me too. You're my buddy in crime, Mad.
William. I am very uncomfortable here.
I cannot stay here. There's no feng shui, and I am in a very delicate place.
She is. She's in a very delicate place.
I hear you, Carter. I hear you, Darnia, and I hear you Klaus, but remember, sobriety is in our hearts and our choices, not in our Egyptian cotton sheets and organic down comforters, right?
Which we had to burn because of the bedbugs!
I could sue you, you know.
You said termites! They had to leave their house because of bedbugs!
Whoa! Shh, shh, shh.
There is no way that we can let them stay here.
Yes, there is, okay? They've all been cleared of the vermin, and they're each paying $5,000 to be here for two days.
All we have to do is keep the little bedbug issue a secret and that's $25,000... enough to fix our roof.
Is that "charity in our hearts for our fellow addicts," Craig?
It's charity for our addicts, okay? We need to fix the roof.
No way. It's disgusting.
Fine. Fine. Okay.
Okay, none of them stay in your room.
And... and you get the first single room that opens up with the next discharge.
Before Vern? He'll go ballistic.
Yes. Yes. Before Vern.
No one else can know about this, okay?
Or we're gonna lose the cash. This is our little secret.
I can't believe I haven't even seen you since...
You put me in an institution?
Maddie, you know I hate it as much as you do.
We're doing this for you.
You have no idea how much I've missed you.
I miss you too.
I really do.
So, you got your phone back. That's good, right?
I'm gonna ask Craig if it's okay if I start taking you out for... more than a couple of hours.
We can... I'll take time off of work.
We can go have lunch. We can go do that Korean spa.
Oh. Can we do a regular spa?
I've had enough of communal nudity to last me a while.
(laughs) You're the one who always complained about being an only child.
I never pictured middle-aged addicts as siblings.
Is it that bad?
I can't believe I'm saying this, but no.
Everyone's really nice.
I'm... getting used to it, which is good, seeing as though I'm not gonna have any friends any time soon.
Look. What's... what's going on?
It's Zack's 18th birthday coming up... which is obviously a huge deal, and... he and Ellie have planned something without me.
Of course I won't be able to go.
I just feel so cut off from everyone.
That must be tough.
All I want is to do something with Zack, just the two of us.
But did you ask Craig?
I can only leave at night with a parent... you.
Maddie, you know that I can't...
It's all I want, just dinner with Zack.
You can pick me up, you can take me.
We won't drink. I promise.
If I lose Zack, if I lose my friends... then I have nothing.
Three hours, tops.
Thank you. (laughs)
Thank you. Thanks, Mom.
Paul, there are two more couples who want to book La Coletta Manor on our wedding date.
Remember? It's the one with the chef's carving station and all those swans?
(chuckles) The chefs don't carve the swans, do they?
Ha ha. We really need to decide today.
Cynthia, you know how much I love you, right?
I just can't pretend I understand party stuff.
It all looks the same to me.
Babe, you can do it.
Pretend! It's no fun doing all of this stuff by myself.
But I'm a terrible pretender and you know what I think.
With all of this money, we could... we could get a bigger condo.
Listen. To me, the wedding's just another day.
Spending the rest of my life with the most amazing woman in the world?
That's what I'm focused on.
So, look... plan away, go crazy, go nuts... within our budget.
Yes, the Molina-Morell wedding. We'll take the silver package.
Woman on phone: Wonderful! Would you like to upgrade from the roses to orchids and from the beef tenderloin to beef Wellington?
Yes, we would. That would be lovely. Thank you.
Hold on one moment.
I'll be back with a preliminary estimate.
Sure. I have all day.
(jazz music playing on phone)
(cell phone chimes)
What the hell were you thinking?
You pulled behind me, no warning!
Hey, you slammed into me.
Yeah, and I wouldn't have if you'd been using your eyes to see.
News flash: Other people exist.
All right, lady.
(phone camera clicking)
Oh! Oh! (screams)
You have been trying to control, change, and manipulate me since h*m* year!
Oh, get over yourself, Vern! I am not trying to change you.
I love you.
So, what? All of a sudden, you want to be my friend again?
When you just shut us all out?
All of us?
I had to!
I needed to!
I was your best friend!
And I'm sorry I had to. I had to draw boundaries.
I hate this holier-than-thou attitude, okay?
How many times have I held your hair while you barfed in the bathroom?
Let me get this straight. There is no chef?
And the guests...
Residents. have to cook all the food and take turns doing the dishes?
And the dishes don't match?
She's right. The dishes don't match.
(scoffs) Okay, I don't think I like this kind of sobriety.
Hey. Need some help?
Sure. What can I do?
It... it's so nice of you to want to help.
I... I'm just setting the table.
You think we're jerks, don't you?
I don't. I swear. I do, but not you.
They don't get it. They're new to the program.
This isn't my first time at the rodeo.
I'm so sorry to do this. I think you're radiant, and I've seen all your movies, and I really think you deserve all those People's Choice awards.
You smell so nice, and you're like a millennial Grace Kelly.
So am not.
So you is.
Do you wanna sit at my table, baby?
Oh no, don't set one for me.
Oh, you're not coming to dinner?
I'm on a juice cleanse. Do you like juicing?
I mean, it's kind of hard, right?
But it's always better with a buddy.
Do you wanna be my juice buddy?
So, a small party in a hotel suite with dancing and cake and stuff.
(cell phone buzzing)
I mean, doesn't that sound like fun?
I mean, you're a guy.
Wouldn't that be fun?
Hmm. Planning this party...
I feel... back in control.
I actually feel like I have my real life back.
Your real life. What does that make all of us? Pretend?
Okay, practical question.
How are you bankrolling this shindig?
Zack and I have a T-shirt business.
Zack. That's your boyfriend, right?
No, Zack's the invisible gnome that lives under my bed and makes quilts.
Yes, Zack, my boyfriend.
And... your mom doesn't know about this?
She said we can go to dinner, but it's his 18th.
I realize I have to make this epic.
And you're gonna stay sober?
Seriously, it's one night. I think I can stay sober for one night.
It's just that this is the first party you will have been to since you've been here.
You really think you're gonna be able to... just be around all your friends, drinking and using and not be tempted?
Yes. And I find your complete lack of confidence in me highly disruptive to my sobriety.
(phone camera clicks)
It's kale, parsley, and hairy birdnob root. So clean, right?
We consume all of this stuff that's k*lling us.
It's toxic, carby, and gross.
And we say, "Ooh, it's so delicious."
And we review it in restaurants and pass the recipe for this gross stuff around on the Internet.
(scoffs) We're so screwed up as a culture.
Okay, can you keep a secret?
I'm auditioning to be the she-wolf in the new Horizon trilogy.
Ah! I love the Horizon trilogy!
Shut up. No way. Shut up.
So, I don't think they really think I can do it.
I mean, I think they just called me in because of all my bad publicity lately.
To them, I'm just some "crazy tabloid girl with three misdemeanors and two DUI's."
They're wrong. You would be rhinestone-encrusted genius.
If I get the job, do you wanna come to the set with me?
Every day. You know, run lines, get my juice, help me out?
I know we've just met, but I'm an instinctual person.
Every call I make... my life, my work... comes from my most fertile space.
And I think we've got a connection. Am I right?
Yeah, but we live in a sober house.
What about all the mandatory check-ins and curfews?
There are no mandatory check-ins and curfews.
They bring everything we need to us.
So, what do you think?
I think you need to get this role.
Oh my God.
Babe, it's late. What's up?
Well, I miss you.
I miss you too. Wanna hang out tomorrow night?
I thought you were going to a concert.
Benji has an extra ticket.
Mmm. I'm sorry, I can't.
Maddie, I know something's up with you.
No, I know something is up with you, and I just need to tell you that you can tell me anything.
Okay? You're a tough girl, Mad.
That's one reason why I love you, but keeping stuff in?
That ain't good for you. And I'm right here, your buddy in crime, ready to listen.
Here's the thing.
I love you, Mad.
Love you, too.
I got your 9-1-1 text. What's wrong?
I have to know.
Do my boobs look weird in this shirt?
I'm telling you the God's honest truth. Yes.
I know! Right?
Oh my God, it's so good to have a friend I can finally trust.
I win, as per usual.
(laughs) Okay. Relax.
That's... You're cheating.
No, I'm not.
Hi, Rebecca. How have you been?
Just coming to pick up Maddie. We're going to dinner.
Oh, you look... nice.
Aw. Thanks, Mom.
Okay, let's go. I'm starving.
Craig: Oh, have a great dinner, ladies.
You'll bring me back some tiramisu, won't you?
She's not going to dinner with her mom, is she?
♪ Who wants to pre-game? ♪
♪ Me! ♪
Let's just get this done. He's supposed to be here already.
Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, my friend. It is a party.
(rock music playing)
Here you go.
I'm so glad, too.
It's gonna be a fun night.
(cell phone buzzes)
They're getting off the elevator.
They're getting off the elevator.
Okay. I will get the door.
Okay. Shh, shh! Time to hide!
Hey, guys. Hi, we're just hanging out here.
Happy birthday, babe!
I thought you'd forgotten.
Oh, usually people pretend to do that when they throw a surprise party. Wow.
I love you.
You know, I've been worried about you, about us.
Well, don't be. I love us.
Yeah, I'm not now. No wonder you were missing.
You must've been planning this for weeks.
Babe, I've been thinking... about our future.
Maybe we should go on a road trip this summer, just the two of us.
That would be great.
And I was e... and I was even thinking we could both go to college in New York.
Kinda crazy, right?
Okay, it's pill time, you guys.
You know this game. Everybody picks one.
Birthday boy first, and then Maddie.
What the hell.
Track practice doesn't start for three weeks.
You know, I... don't think I wanna start with that.
I wanna start with cocktails.
Go crazy, go wild. Okay.
Okay. Yes, you guys.
All right, this is a famous woman in Malibu.
No, she's a real person.
What? He said she was famous.
(cell phone chirps)
He also said she was real.
(flatly) Oh, it's from Olivia. She's texting me.
Is she in the kitchen?
She texted you from the kitchen?
It's 50 feet away.
She's texted me 20 times today.
No, no, no, Barbra Streisand.
No, Caitlyn Jenner!
All right, everybody.
Okay, this is something you need in the world.
No, this is something tangible.
This is something that the Destinations people have.
No. Something that they have but we don't.
(rock music playing)
Hey, want some?
Great party, Mads. Can I top you off?
I'm good. Let's do the video.
I can't believe you made a video.
Since when did you become sentimental and crafty?
I'm trying some new things.
Are you okay? Are you good?
I don't know. I've just been getting a vibe that you're pissed at me or something.
I've been feeling the same thing too.
Come here. (laughs)
I guess we're good. We're good, right?
So, go do your crafty, sentimental video thing.
Uh, everyone, can you all gather around? Come on.
I know. Boo-hoo. Wah, wah. Please.
Zack, I admittedly was surprised when you asked me out five months, eight days and 19 minutes ago, but hey, who's counting?
Zack, I've made this for you.
♪ We were smarter... ♪
♪ We had it in us to take it further ♪
♪ Baby, we've made it now ♪
♪ Every second chance just shows us how ♪
Yo, what's up, man?
What up, man?
♪ We're in this together, babe ♪
How are you guys doing, man?
Here's to you, Zack. You're my buddy in crime.
You made my life a party, and I'm so excited for our next adventure.
Happy birthday, babe. I love you.
Your turn to pick tonight.
But... no blood, no horror, and no cop movies... unless Brad Pitt's in it.
- So, you wanna watch Seven?
(cell phone rings)
It's a sponsee. She's having a day.
You okay? Yeah.
Light a candle, meditate... do whatever you can to ground yourself.
Okay, call me tomorrow.
Cynth, were you texting a sponsee today when you h*t that car?
Rikki's son is in trouble again.
It's a really big trigger for her.
I'm sorry for Rikki, I am, but my priority is us.
I mean, you're just so busy with weddings, sponsees, and the kids at school. I mean, now you're... texting and driving. You could've been k*lled.
It was a parking lot, Paul, but it won't happen again.
You know I have commitments, and you said you love my compassion.
I do. I do.
You're just up in so many people's business.
I'm a simple man, Cynth.
I want to go to work and do a great job, and the rest of my time I want to spend with you, connecting and being happy.
The wedding is the one thing I wanted, and AA... it's not negotiable. You know that.
Y-You've been sober for so many years now, I guess I just...
I don't understand why you still have to do this every single day.
I know you don't.
Where you going?
I'm gonna go downstairs and do some reading.
Can't we just talk this out?
We will, just not now.
I don't wanna say anything I'll regret.
I found you a top-notch rehab facility.
I hope they have a top-notch refund policy.
And when you're outta there...
I know a great sober house.
You can't make me leave here. (laughs)
You literally can't! I'm bigger than you!
High as freaking kites!
Sarah's gone! Now Rob is gone!
I'm not gonna be the last one left alive in that picture.
All right. You win, b*tch.
(rock music playing)
What's wrong, babe?
Because I've been thinking... maybe we should go on a road trip this summer, huh?
Just me and you. Just us.
And... what do you think about... about us both going to college in New York?
I gotta get outta here.
Thank you, Wes.
It's... it's a scar.
It's a p... it's a penis! It's a penis with wings!
It's a World w*r II vintage biplane.
Wait. Where are you going?
I have to run an errand. Do you want to come?
Sure, I need cigarettes, anyway.
Okay, so when I go in and get her, you should wait outside, because I think there's gonna be a lot of dr*gs and alcohol there, and you only have 20 days sober.
And you really don't need to see that right now.
It's no problem.
Absolutely. I haven't had a drink in five years.
What about the DUI and the meltdown?
Why are you living in a sober house?
My publicist's idea.
It's kind of genius, right?
I mean, nobody was talking about me for years.
I couldn't get an audition. I had no idea what I was going to do.
Now, bam, I'm on every tabloid.
I'm auditioning for Horizons.
Okay, I'm pressing pause on this for a second.
You faked a relapse for attention and publicity?
Yup, and it worked.
Okay, whatever, dude.
This isn't easy, you know.
Sobriety is easy in comparison.
Yeah, I wouldn't know.
I guess not.
Wait. Do you want to go to ballet class on the weekend?
Two sticks of butter, one bag of marshmallows.
Hey, is Vern around?
What? No, no, he's on an errand.
"Melt them together over high heat." Yes, doing that.
You do know that that's the easiest recipe in the world, right?
Really? Then why on Earth...
Well, you've gotta stir it, otherwise, it's gonna burn.
What? It just says to melt them together.
It doesn't say, "Stir it like hell."
Why didn't it say that? I would've done that.
I take directions very, very well.
Good. Pour in the cereal.
Yes. Yes, Miss Molina.
Easy! You're spilling it.
Is that all right?
I can interfere?
Come on, faster.
I feel like one of the kids at school now.
Now I know why Maddie didn't like you.
(rock music playing)
Excuse me, have you seen Maddie Graham? It's a family emergency.
I'm her uncle.
Maddie. Maddie, your uncle's here.
♪ I feel that they don't understand me ♪
♪ I hear their moans making foreign sounds ♪
♪ Sometimes, I think ♪
♪ They're all just speaking tongues ♪
Wait, wait. Wait. Did Maddie just leave with Olivia O'Brien?
Dude, we are so messed up. (laughing)
You just don't get it, Maddie. We need each other to stay sober.
I have three years, and I need you to help me.
That's how this house works.
You can't just keep screwing up like this. It affects everyone.
You most of all.
I get it. I do.
He's right, Maddie.
You really think you're entitled to lecture someone on how sober living works?
I can't with her.
Do you want to go to hot yoga tomorrow?
♪ Sun comes down, we gather round ♪
♪ To hear what people say ♪
♪ Strange bright lights are seen in the night ♪
Maddie's voice: Hello, journal.
It's me, Mad Dog, with tonight's edition of Weird Things about Sobriety.
Let's start with this, Drinking and partying always seemed to help me feel closer to people, but... the weird thing... not using also seems like it helps you bond with people.
And it's weird how you think you know someone, but maybe you don't really "know" them.
Maybe you just had some sort of agreement with them, like, "You be this, and I'll be that."
♪ ...or if words wove their own spell ♪
♪ In this room, we deceive you ♪
♪ No one will believe you outside of this hotel ♪
♪ Oh, every one of us ♪
♪ Oh, every one of us ♪
Maddie: And think about how hard you work sometimes to chase a high, any kind of high, when the simplest, dumbest things are actually kinda fun.
Maddie: It's all weird.
♪ And walk away ♪
So, dear journal, I guess I can safely sign off with this.
It's entirely possible... that I don't know everything.
♪ Hand in hand ♪
Maddie: But I doubt it.
Wait! That's me!
♪ Oh, every one of us ♪
♪ Oh, every one of us ♪
♪ Oh, every one of us ♪
Maddie's voice: Kisses good night from the Mad Dog, happy to be in her own bed.
Correction. Her temporary bed.
♪ Walk away ♪