01x13 - Got Silk?

[bunniefuu]

Okay, let's rehearse. Bobo, you play along kike you're an audience member who's volunteered for the game.

Okay. My name is Luanne, and I'm from St. Louis.

I didn't tell my boyfriend, Phil, but if I like it out here, I'm going to stay.

Fair enough, Luanne.

I am going to say the first half of a song lyric and you finish it.

Very good.

The lyric is, "I can't feel my face when..."

When...

It's cold in St. Louis and I've taken a long walk because Phil's needs always come before mine.

Surprisingly that is not the rest of the lyric.

Lew, have at it.

Oh, uh...

Uh, sorry, but, uh, it's in the script, and I am a professional.

Hyah!

Hmm.

I'm here! What are you guys working on?

Huh, huh, huh? Do you need me? Huh, huh, huh?

No, no, we're okay, Piggy. You're... you're not in this bit.

Oh, but I want to be in this bit.

Okay!

Wow!

Ooh.

So, ever since we changed the show so that everybody else is in it more, something funny's happened.

I'm in it less. (groans)

Listen, we... we... we don't need you until your monologue rehearsal at 3:00, and...

Well, actually we cut half of it, so 3:30, 4:00. You know, don't rush.

Perfect!

Hmm?

Yeah, yeah. I was hoping you'd say that.

Yeah, 'cause, uh... Well, I got so many things to do and... so many people...

Okay.

Yes, Beyoncé's in town.

Beyoncé?

Oh, yes, Beyoncé's in town. She's in town.

Oh, great. Yes, we're calling Beyoncé.

I'll go call Beyoncé right now.

Okay, yeah...

Close person friend.

Yes, they grew up together.

Got her on speed dial.

That's right. She's on the speed dial.

So...

Do you really want me to get Beyoncé on the phone?

No. She's got like seven managers and two agents you have to call first. It's like a corn maze made of dull people.

Oh, well, then how about you try one of your less famous friends?

Oh, oh, like that one girl. I basically grew up in her house.

She was like a sister to me, gave me her appendix. What was her name?

Oh, well, if you don't remember, then appendix girl is not your friend.

Oh, probably right.

What about that girl from the spa?

Slap fight.

Jennifer.

Sued her for libel.

Braces girl.

Made fun of her braces.

They were funny.

Yes.

Deadly.

Yes, dear?

Is what you're telling me that I have no friends?

Um... a large part of my days are spent trying not to answer questions in ways that will make Piggy look too deeply into the abyss of her own loneliness.

I usually bring up snacks.

(gasps) Have you tried the new chocolate pretzels?

No, I haven't, and I am so excited to!

I... grab a couple of bags and meet me in my dressing room.

Today we find me a friend!

Ah, huzzah!

(laughs)

There goes bridge night with the Wellingtons.

(sighs)

♪

Ha ha ha!

(beep)

Uh, hi, Denise.

Uh, uh, just checking in.

Uh, I gave you some time to think, just like you asked, and, uh, I guess I just wasn't sure how much thinking you needed to do.

Uh, well, I'm all thunk out.

But here's one thought... call me back!

(chuckles)

It's, uh... it's Kermit.

I haven't actually spoken to Denise since she asked for some space.

But, uh, space is good. I respect that. Time to think.

And, uh, I feel confident that any thinking on Denise's part is temporary.

Oh, uh, that didn't come out right.

Yo, Snoop Froggy Frog.

Ah, Pache.

And you're sitting on my desk.

Wow! Bro, the network is loving my latest, greatest take on your little show. Check it out.

Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna make hella cheddar by incorporating branded content.

Hmm?

So, what I had in mind is we do a little sketch where somebody talks about delicious, gluten-free frozen yogurt made with live and active cultures from pinkberry.

You know what I'm saying? (laughs)

Yeah. What's funny about that?

Nothing.

You can't make fun of the product.

So, then it's just a commercial.

And my writers would never compromise their artistic integrity like that.

Aren't these the same guys who made up a game where you answer trivia questions with animals in your pants?

Uh, you know what? I'll just ask them myself.

Oh, uh, actually, I think it would be less confusing if the writers only got direction from me.

Just so you know, technically, you and I are equals.

Yeah, well... just so you know, I do run the show, and no one has any clue what your job is, so, uh, could we just agree to disagree?

I've been in the network president's hot tub, bro.

Peace.

Uh, well, I've been next to it.

Just a few too many bad family stories involving vats of hot water.

How do I make a regular best friend by 3:00?

My days are too free, Deadly.

Well...

(sighs)

I'm directing an adaptation of "Clueless" at a black box theater in Reseda.

It's very edgy. We reverse the genders on all the roles, which was a disaster when we did "Knocked Up".

But this one's pretty good.

Our turnout has been low.

So if you wanted...

Anyway, as I was saying... I need to find a friend.

Oh, wow, this is the nicest copy room I've ever seen.

Oh, Janice, perfect. You seem like you have a lot of friends.

How did you make them?

Well, there's the people in my candle ceremonies, and my friends who are helping me build a wicker man, and the wicker man, and my aerial contortion girls.

Aerial contortion girls? Who are they?

Oh, wow! We, like, climb up onto these silks and you twist in the air and hang upside down until that weird buzzing sound in your head goes away.

That sounds great! Take me to aerial contortion!

Okay. Well, my class is on Tuesday.

Oh, sweetheart, it is Tuesday.

Oh, wow! Then we're late! Come on!

Whoa! Oh, all right.

(sighs) Well, looks like our afternoon is free.

Deadly, come on! We're gonna be late!

Scratch that.

No, no, no! I sit in this stinky room writing jokes all day long.

Yeah.

I'm not having burgers from an island-themed restaurant for lunch again!

Yeah.

Pepe, "island-themed" just means there's a pineapple on your burger.

You take it off.

Yeah, but you can't get rid of the juice.

You're a rat! I've seen you eat garbage!

Not with a pineapple on it!

Exactly, the pinapple juice tastes like Yo, yo, yo. Who's coming with me to lunch?

Oh, we don't get to go out. The Show brings lunch in for us.

What? What do you got?

Wiki-waki pineapple turkey-yaki burger? That's gross, man.

You can't get the juice off that burger.

You guys, this breaks my heart. You are the soul of this show.

Oh, well, you know, the boomerang fish guy and the pig are pretty important, but we're in the conversation.

I agree, so let me take you out to a fancy-pants lunch.

You can order off the grown-ups menu because unlike Kermit, I appreciate ya.

Yo, yo, Giusepe!

Oh, boy.

Hey, Pache! Come stai?

Giovanni Ravissi.

Guys, this is Giusepe. He is my tailor/barber/caramel sommelier.

How you doing?

Pleasure to meet you, Giusepe.

Buon giorno.

Nice to meet you.

But what are we doing here, Pancho? I thought you were taking us to lunch.

Yeah!

Hey, you need clothes as spectacular as your writing.

You guys look like you're starring in a commercial for depression meds.

Well...

Ay.

Oh, Giusepe! (singsong voice) I love it!

(laughs)

Did I tell you this place was amazing? That's Rupaul.

He looks good out of a dress.

And pants.

Yeah. Hey, Rupaul, little late in the season for Santa Claus boxers, don't you think?

Excuse me, Anna Wintour.

What?

They don't stop being underpants in January.

Snap.

Snap.

Color me snapped.

Dude, seriously?

Giusepe, will you please just hook my guys up?

Pleasure.

Oh, what?

Hey, you know, Pache...

Mm-hmm.

...we shouldn't really be away from the office all this long.

We need to get back. We got lots of stuff to do.

Oh, my god! That is so soft!

Feel this!

Oh, beautiful.

(clears throat)

That's like... What are you doing?

Whew!

What?

Whew!

Yeah.

Sweet.

Look at me, look at me.

I am the Al Capones. (laughs) Hey! Ohh!

Chicago!

Uh...

I don't know much about the guy.

I don't know, guys. This place looks so expensive.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy.

Look, it's my treat, all right?

Look, I take care of you, you take care of the show.

And that's how this works, huh?

O... kay.

(cellphone vibrates)

Whoa.

Uh-oh.

Uh, that's Kermit asking where we are.

Oh, boy.

Oh. Well, uh... well, just tell him that we couldn't reply because we were in a tunnel.

Uh-huh.

Oh. A cashmere tunnel.

Oh!

(laughter)

My arm is in a tunnel.

That was dope. Write that down.

♪ ♪

Okay, so, point to someone I have something in common with.

Ooh, butterfly!

Huh?

Oh, don't bother looking. There's never any butterfly.

(chuckles)

Hi. I'm Gwynne.

Oh, hello, Gwynne. I'll have two towels and a water, please.

Oh, and you can split this with the other girls.

Oh, no. I don't work here. I'm actually taking the class, too.

Oh! Well, that's wonderful!

I was hoping to meet someone just like you.

A recently dumped Dental Hygienist?

Recently dumped?

I was recently dumped! We have so much in common!

Well, it's nice to meet you. I watch your show.

Oh, of course you do.

(both laugh)

But please don't feel we can't be friends because I'm a talk show host and you're just a Dental Hygienist.

Oh, no. I didn't...

Shh, bestie.

You're enough. And you can tell that jerk who dumped you that Miss Piggy from television said so.

All right, Piggy, let's go to the silk now.

We're gonna go to the silk now.

Yeah, I'm gonna...

Go.

(elevator bell dings)

Huh? Uh... Hey, Carl?

What?!

Do you know where the writers went?

I've called every Casino, Racetrack, and Dave and Buster's in town.

Nothing.

No.

But if you need some sketches...

What? Oh!

Let's see here. How about this one?

I play a hypnotist.

"Okay, close your eyes! You're getting very sleepy!"

Hey, I got one.

And what I... hmm?

How about we get a celebrity designer to judge crew fashion choices?

Some of them dress ridiculous!

I mean, Sweetums looks like he's part of a car wash.

Uh...

Hey!

John Mayer left this scarf in the green room!

No, no, guys, please. I'm just really trying to find the writers.

I'm gonna try them again.

Oh, uh, the writers?

Uh, Pache took them out to lunch.

What?! I told him to leave them alone!

What if we all went to the Maui Four Seasons?

How is that a sketch?

It's not.

I thought we were just saying good ideas.

(sighs)

(laughs)

Hmm. There you go.

Stick that chin up and out, like a proud turtle out of her shell.

(sighs)

You are not turtling, Piggy.

What?

You must turtle.

So, anyway, bestie, May 15th to 30th.

You're coming to Ibiza as my guest.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

Have you ever flown first class? Oh, sorry, that was so rude.

Of course you haven't. You'd have to scrape gums for years to afford that.

But don't worry. I'm paying.

Coming down!

Everybody partner up, please.

Okay, coming down.

Coming down!

Whoa! Ohh!

(groans)

I'm okay! I'm okay!

(sighs) All right, bestie, we're obviously part... Ners.

Yeah, how do you feel this time?

Do you want to do it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, well...

Then who else wants to be my partner/bestie?

Huh, huh, huh?

Huh?

Hmm.

Your show is calling!

What's that?

You need Miss Piggy to come back because she's indispensable?

But this is her personal time!

What is your name?

Jeremy what?

Mmm, well, Jeremy Rosenstein, you've made a very powerful enemy!

All right, all right.

What's that? Fisticuffs?

Come on. That's... that's enough.

Come on. Come on.

Yes, well...

("Little Green Bag" playing)

Hi, guys.

Whoa.

Whew!

Took a long time to get through the parking lot.

Where have you guys been?

And... and what are you wearing?

Look, I know you're upset, Kermit, but we had a really productive lunch.

Yeah.

Si, si.

And on top of getting these beautiful suits from Pancho... who is a better guy than you led us to believe...

Yeah!

...we also came up with a great sketch idea.

Yeah, it's about delicious, gluten-free frozen yogurt made with live and active cultures from pinkberry!

Yeah.

Okay, so, Pache basically bought you suits in exchange for putting his sketch on the show.

Hey, that is extremely insulting. It was our idea.

Uh...

Wasn't it?

Hmm.

I can't believe you guys blew off work to go hang out with the worst guy ever.

I know. I feel as foolish as somebody who passed up the cool refreshing taste of pinkberry frozen yogurt.

Snap out of it!

Ohh!

Well, just because we've been brainwashed doesn't mean it's not delicious.

Why do you have to say so many crazy things?!

Ow!

Kermit, listen.

Listen, this is a little bit your fault, too, okay?

What?!

Si. Pache made us feel appreciated for once.

Yeah.

Come on. I think you're all great.

Great enough to keep the suits?

No!

Ah!

And that's because the show has a policy against bribery.

Also, for the record, against blackmail, arson, and racketeering.

Oh. All right. We'll give 'em back.

Excuse me, sir.

Yeah. Huh? (gasps)

Rizzo, what gives?

Did you get taller, smarter, or richer?

Uh, I... I... I don't... I think I...

Ohh, and a smooth talker, too!

Something is up with you today, handsome. (giggles)

Whoa. Ohh. Whoa!

Did the girl of my dreams just come on to me?

Am I like an inch taller? Is the pilates working?

It's the suit.

The suits he is making us give back.

(gasps)

(growls)

(sighs)

It is a shame about those suits.

The guys sure do look good in them. (sighs)

And it's nice to have a day without Yolanda going to HR about Rizzo.

I don't know.

After the week I had, sure would be nice for somebody to have some romantic luck.

Take the shoes off.

Got to get your pants off first.

The shoes go first. Stop clenching.

No, no, no, no.

Hey, guys, don't ditch the suits yet.

And... and please, could you always wear your pants in the office?

Okay, mr. Naked.

Okay.

Stop clenching.

(theme music plays, cheers and applause)

Up next a good squirrel friend of the show stopped by for a segment we like to call "Garbage Bag Challenge with Rupaul."

Everyone welcome Rupaul!

(cheers and applause, whistling)

What's this? This was supposed to be my pinkberry sketch.

Yeah, well, the guys were so inspired by your day out that they came up with a different idea based on someone you introduced them to. So, thanks!

(applause)

We make a great team.

All right, guys, We gave 2 designers 6 trash bags and 30 minutes and said, "you better work!"

(laughter)

First up, we have a hot new designer out of Sweden.

(cheers and applause, whistling)

♪

(humming)

Heyde woo de woo.

Okay, Chef, wow me.

♪

Oh, boy!

(cheers and applause)

Ha!

Oh, this look is sickening.

What? What?

Oh, no. That means good.

Now, I can tell you were inspired by Kanye's drop crotch leather sweatpants.

(gasps) Yeezus, yeezus, yeezus!

(laughs) Yeah.

Okay, here comes our second designer To try and b*at that... Bobo!

(cheers and applause)

♪

Whoa.

♪

(laughs)

Whoa!

Hey, thanks, Ru.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hope my army buddies aren't watching.

Okay, wow me.

♪

(cheers and applause)

What do you think, huh? Nice?

Gorgeous.

Wow. These are beautiful suits, Bobo, but it doesn't look like you used any of the bags at all.

What?

Oh, no, no, no.

The... the suits were in the bags.

That's how I got them here.

(laughs)

(laughter)

Well, okay. You win!

Whoa, whoa!

No pinkberry mention. We had a deal!

Those guys are paying for the suits.

Well, actually, since we used the suits on our show, they're covered by our wardrobe budget, so, uh...

(clears throat) Here's a check. My guys don't owe you anything.

I don't want your money.

Hmm?

(Miss Piggy speaks indistinctly)

We will never let anyone buy our loyalty again.

Yeah, Kermit's the best. We'd do anything for the guy.

Si, especially now since he bought us these suits.

Yeah.

Mm.

Everybody, let's hear it for Rupaul!

(cheers and applause)

We'll be right back.

(indistinct conversation)

That was so much fun.

Oh, yeah.

We're going to the red door later.

(speaks indistinctly)

(both laugh)

(sighs)

Piggy. Piggy, what's wrong?

I haven't seen you hold a frown on your face this long since that black-market restylane paralyzed your snout.

(chuckles)

Deadly... am I that hard to like?

(sighs)

Well, Piggy... you are not easy.

But any friend worth having would never want you to be.

They would want you to be you.

Oh, Deadly.

And, well, perhaps you already have That friend that you're looking for, someone who is always there, looking out for you, because he accepts you just as you are.

Huh?

Someone standing right in front of you.

Sweetums? I can't be friends with him.

He lives way out in Garden Grove.

(sighs)

(sighs)

I am just totally alone.

Piggy...

And we're back...

Clear the stage.

... in 3, 2...

Clear the stage.

And we're back for a little music.

Here to sing with moi, the lovely Ingrid Michaelson!

(cheers and applause)

Thank you. Thanks, Piggy.

("The Way I Am" playing)

♪ If you were falling ♪
♪ then I would catch you ♪
♪ if you need a light ♪
♪ I'd find a match ♪

Psst! Piggy! Piggy!

(grunts) Eyes on the guest!

♪ and you take me the way I am. ♪
♪ If you are chilly ♪
♪ here, take my sweater ♪
♪ your head is aching ♪

Turtle!

♪ I'll make it better ♪
♪ 'cause I love ♪
♪ the way you call me "baby" ♪
♪ and you ♪
♪ take me the way I am ♪

As I was singing about someone accepting me the way I am, I had a realization. (chuckles)

Can't believe it never even occurred to Deadly that he's been my one, true friend all along.

Did he not notice that he's been there for me the whole time?!

I mean, what is he, drunk?! Ha!

(horn honks)

(grunts) Don't even. My leading lady quit.

But the show must go on.

Five seconds till curtain, everybody.

Oh, okay. We shan't keep all three of our audience members trembling with anticipation for a minute more.

(inhales deeply) Curtain up!

(clears throat)

S... (gasps)

(clears throat)

Turtle.

(clears throat)

So, okay, you're probably going, like, "Is this like a noxzema commercial or what?"

But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.

I mean, I get up. I brush my teeth.

I pick out my school clothes.

Hey, you know, it's really nice that you brought everybody here, Piggy.

I think you're a really good friend.

I know, right?

Yeah.

Do you mind?!

Dionne is about to avoid a very serious car accident, so pay attention!

Yeah, sorry.

Sorry.

So, anyway, I was totally bummed...

A lot of different kinds of people wear suits.

I do a series of impressions I call, "People who wear suits."

I am your businessman father who spends all his time at the office.

Buy! Sell! I have a second family!

I'm an accountant.

Your girlfriend's water bed is not a business expense.

Sometimes I want to wear a dress, but I have a brand now, la-de-da.

I'm Diane Keat!

I am Michael Keaton as Mr. Mom before he lost his job.

"I hope I don't lose my job. I don't know how to vacuum."

I, uh, am, uh, Barack Obama.

I can, uh, have, uh, whatever I want for dinner, uh, uh...