05x03 - Ben-geance

[bunniefuu]

Margarita on the rocks, huh? What?

That's an excellent choice, eh...

(Glass shattering)

Have you seen our wine list?

Oh my God, what happened to all the bottles?

Danny. Pfft.

I'll talk to him, man.

Thank you, so much for filling in, man.

I can't believe I forgot to do the schedule again.

It's all my mom's fault she's so selfish.

Had to go on her stupid honeymoon.

Who's gonna wait on all these tables?

Hey.

Riley, hey.

Perfect timing.

Is Danny ready to go?

Yes, as soon as he finishes cooking this order.

What order?

Hi, thank you guys for waiting, this is Riley.

She'll be your server this evening.

Push the appies.

You know what, Ben? Ben, push them yourself.

All right? I passed the bar so that I wouldn't have to work in one.

Come on, dude, you've got to get it together.

I mean, Tucker's making drinks?

What's next? Is Emma working the deep fryer?

You kidding? She's my best cocktail waitress.

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change directions ♪

Man, finding a new manager for the bar is going to be harder than I thought.

No one included the photo with their resume.

How am I supposed to tell if she's hot?

And why are you eating everything in the house?

Didn't you just eat at Riley's?

That's the problem. She's a horrible cook.

Oh. I know.

She make you one of her meat waffles?

Yeah. I didn't know it was possible for something to be both overcooked and undercooked at the exact same time.

But I don't want to hurt her feelings, so, everything she puts in front of me, I've been tossing, hiding, or flushing.

Knock, knock. Hey, babe.

Oh, hey, honey. Um...

Now that we've got all the food out, we can finally clean the fridge.

Clean it, Ben.

Um, you forgot your gym bag, and I found a meat waffle in it.

Oh, yeah, they're just so good that I wanted to save one for after practice.

They taste even better when they've been in a hot locker for a while.

No way!

I just got a resume from Sam Saffe.

I think it's really her.

Wait, wait, wait, Samantha Saffe from high school?

Ugh, she was so perfect.

God, I hated her.

Really? I thought she was nice.

You know, now that I think about it, not a huge fan.

Yeah, well, I loved her.

Sat behind her in home room for three years.

Smell of cherry lip balm and acne cream still gets me going.

She didn't even know you were alive.

Oh, she will now.

Wait, you're not really gonna have her come in for an interview, are you?

Uh, hell yeah.

This is the kind of moment you dream about your entire life.

I'm gonna let her think she's got the job, and then I'm gonna yank it away.

Then she'll feel like I did every single day of my life.

And that, my friends, will be the ultimate "re-Benge."

Ha-ha!

How have I not used that before?

"Re-Benge"... That's genius.

Oh, these are the moments where I really feel like I dodged a b*llet.

Hey.

Hey, Riles.

Back from my honeymoon.

Wanna see my tan lines?

Trick question. I don't have any.

Yeah, yeah, I got that from your postcard.

Even though the post office blacked out all the nude parts.

Sounds like your honeymoon was a dream come true.

Yeah. Sort of.

I want a divorce.

What?

You just got married!

You and Brad seem so happy together.

Well, of course Brad was happy.

He was with me!

But, you know, then on the plane on the way home, I realized something terrible: He was coming home with me.

I had breakfast, he was there.

I had lunch, still there.

Dinner, bed, my 2:00 A.M. tinkle time, there, there, there!

And he's just completely smothering me.

Or... loving you?

(Phone buzzes)

Ugh.

He's left me 10 messages already this morning, and I just saw him last night.

(Intercom beeps)

Mrs. Perrin, there's a Brad Walker here to see you.

Oh my God, Brad? Brad! What is Brad doing here?

Who knows?

He probably planted a GPS in my bra.

Okay, all right, here's what you do.

Just feel him out and see if he'll be completely crushed if I leave him.

Oh, who am I kidding, of course he will be.

Why would I do that?

I gave you two sons. You owe me.

Yo, Sam's gonna be here any minute.

This is gonna be epic. I'm not even gonna recognize her.

She's gonna be all like, "oh, my God, Ben Wheeler, is that you?"

And then I'll be all like, "I'm sorry, do we know each other?"

And then she'll be like, "it's me, Sam Saffe from homeroom."

And I'll be like, "oh, what's up, baby?"

Oh, here she is.

Crap. She's even hotter.

Okay. Tucker, follow my lead.

And another thing. If I ever catch you stealing... olives ever again, you're fired.

'Cause I'm the owner of this bar.

Yeah, that's right, I own this bar.

Look, I'm sorry, man.

It's not gonna happen again.

Hi, I'm Sam.

I'm here about the manager position.

I'm guessing you're the owner.

Right, hi, Sam.

Why don't we... why don't we sit down over here?

I'm... I'm Ben.

Nice to meet you.

Uh, so, I think my resume is up to date with my work history.

Ben Wheeler.

Right. Got it.

Uh, and as you can see, I have a degree in hotel restaurant management.

I'm sorry, let me stop you right there.

Is it just me, or do I look familiar to you?

No, I don't think so.

Uh, I have been working in this industry for...

It's me! Ben!

Ben Wheeler. We went to high school together?

We did?

I sat behind you in homeroom for three years.

You did?

I only remember some annoying guy with braces.

Oh, my God, it is you!

Danny Wheeler's little brother!

How is he?

Well, after the utter bliss of my honeymoon...

Yeah, Brad, about that.

What if I had some news that wasn't so blissful?

Oh, great. Just pile it on, life.

Take another swing at the ol' Brad punching bag.

How much can one man lose in one day?

Oh...

So, you know?

Of course I know!

I know that he was so young and full of life, with the whole world right at his...

Wait, how did you find out that my brother d*ed?

Tad's dead? Oh, my God!

I... I obviously had no idea.

But... you seemed so upset, I just assumed.

You assumed that my brother was dead?

I'm a really good assumer.

I got the call this morning.

Bonnie already slipped out of bed.

She's so sweet not to wake me.

I'm the executor of the will, that's why I came to see you.

That's just... ugh, that's horrible.

I can't believe it.

Tad's dead.

What are you doing?

I'm a big note taker.

He was on a spiritual quest around the world to find himself.

Sadly, he did...

At the bottom of a ravine in Machu Picchu!

I begged him not to text and hang glide at the same time!

Oh, hey, Brad.

There you are.

I just got your messages about Tad.

I am so sorry.

Oh, Bon-Bon.

Okay.

You're all I have left.

I am never gonna let you go.

Aww...

Never say never.

Hey, babe, what's with the grocery bags?

Oh, just making dinner for my man.

Um, sorry, I can't do dinner.

Why not?

Just give me a minute.

Got it.

Coach put me on a diet 'cause I ate so much of your food.

'Cause I love it so much.

And now my eight-pack is a six pack like regular people.

(Elevator dings)

I love this building.

Someone left a perfectly good pizza in there.

Well, that truly could not have gone any better.

Dude, I'm sorry I left early.

I just got tired.

No, I meant Sam.

Let's just say she's never gonna forget Ben Wheeler ever again.

You get your big moment of revenge and send her packing?

Better. I hired her.

I don't think you know how revenge works.

No, man, I was thinking too small.

You see, we'll work together, Sam will fall hopelessly in love with me, and then, when she least expects it, I'll fire her.

Bam!

"Ben-geance" is mine.

Hahaha! Damn, that one's good too.

You know what you are?

A "Ben-ace" to society.

All right, here you go.

Sorry, it's kind of a tight squeeze.

All right, let me just clear some of this stuff off for you.

Oh, this is a photo of my daughter, Emma, who I'm raising by myself... Selflessly.

Oh, let me just get this out of your way.

Just a picture of me at the beach last summer.

Pretty much a g*n show.

Oh, I'll get that.

Hey, um, I was wondering if you and I could...

Could go out? Whoa, slow it down, sugar!

Not sure how appropriate that would be.

I just wanted to go over the schedule.

Oh.

Oh, we can go over the schedule.

We can go over it all night long.

Hey, Ben. Did you know Tucker's stealing olives?

Danny!

Oh, Sam, hi. Ben said he hired you.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

You know, he's practically living with his girlfriend, Riley Perrin.

Riley Perrin? Really?

She got hot.

I actually dated her first.

I think the last time I saw you, you were signing my yearbook.

Oh, well, I hope I wrote something inspirational.

Like, "stay sweet," or "have a great summer."

I actually have no idea.

That idiot Bobby Sherwood stole my yearbook before I could see what anyone wrote.

And I was homecoming queen, so there was a lot.

Oh well. I'm gonna go check on the timecards.

Really good to see you, Danny.

Yeah, you too. Have a nice day.

Ooh, maybe I wrote that?

Her yearbook. That's it!

I'm gonna get her yearbook back and then she's gonna fall in love with me!

How are you gonna do that?

Senior year I professed my feelings to her in her yearbook, but I chickened out, so I stole it so she wouldn't see it.

Then I framed Bobby Sherwood.

It was the perfect crime.

Hey, uh, why is your face taped to my body?

So, I've drawn up some simple divorce papers.

Just get Brad to sign these, and bing, bang, boom, you're single again.

Okay. First of all, "bing, bang, boom" is how we got together in the first place.

And second, his brother just d*ed.

I can't throw divorce papers in his face.

I have to let him down gently.

(Knocking)

Oh my God, that's him.

Okay, just take those papers and hide.

I do not want him to see what a heartless person you are.

Okay, just go! Go, go, go, go, go!

Mrs. Wheeler...

Go!

Hi, Emma.

When you hit your rebellious teens and you think about running away, please, take me with you.

No.

Bonnie, my brother's death has changed everything for me.

Life is fragile.

And I realized that I want to leave a legacy.

Okay, neat. Um, listen, honey, um, we need to talk...

I wanna make a baby.

That's nice, sweetie.

With who?

With you?

Just think about it.

You and me raising a little Brad junior.

Or maybe we should name him Tad.

Eh, screw it, I like Brad better.

Okay, could you just excuse me for one little second.

Oh God, oh God.

Brad wants me to have a baby.

Does he know how old you are?

I mean, he can pump the well all he wants, but he's only gonna get sand.

Emma, close your eyes.

Riley: Oww, oww!

Hey, I got her yearbook.

I tore up my love note like she tore up my heart.

I'm gonna finally get Sam.

You mean get back at Sam?

That's what I said.

That's not what I heard.

What'd you hear?

That you're still in love with her.

Pfft. Come on, that's ridiculous.

Oh, my God, she's so hot.

Hey, Sam.

I got your yearbook back from Bobby Sherwood.

It was a pretty big struggle, so there might be a page missing.

Ben, you're amazing, thank you.

I'll never forget this.

That's right.

Ben Wheeler, most likely to steal your heart, not your yearbook.

Not your yearbook!

How's your plan going to fire and publicly humiliate her?

Fantastic.

I'm just gonna let her suffer a little bit longer.

It's the perfect "Ben-detta."

Ha-ha! They just keep getting better and better.

No, they don't.

Can you take this to table five?

Mrs. Wheeler!

What are you doing?

Well, you know, I thought about it, and I was being rash.

You know? And I needed to give Brad one more chance to just stop smothering me.

But this morning, he did something that proves he's never gonna change.

We had sex, and he wanted to cuddle after.

I... like, "get off me, man!"

You know what... you know that I think?

I think that you're scared.

Okay? I think you're afraid of how you feel, and you're just looking for an easy way out.

Well, you know what, Mrs. Wheeler?

That's not what love is.

All right? Love is a commitment where you ride the good times, and you talk about the bad times, and you always tell each other the truth.

It's like me and Danny.

We tell each other everything.

Even when the truth hurts.

I hate your cooking.

Good example. See?

I mean, if Danny really hated my cooking, he would say it just like that.

No, I really hate your cooking.

Thanks, babe, but I made my point.

Mrs. Wheeler, Brad deserves to hear the truth.

All right? Just tell him that he's smothering you and you need some space.

Wow.

Who knew a noodle with lipstick could give me a good kick in the ass?

I was just pushing him away before he could push me away.

And while I would like to be able to get the mail without getting an "I miss you" text, the good outweighs the Brad.

I love him.

And I'm gonna make it work, no matter how hard he has to try.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Sam Saffe, does she work here?

Ben Wheeler!

B-b-b-b-b-Bobby Sherwood.

W-w-w-w-w-w-what are you doing here?

This is so random. This is random, right?

Yeah, I got this bizarre voice-mail from Sam telling me off for stealing her yearbook or something.

Wow, that is so weird.

You know what? She's probably over it by now.

You should let bygones be bygones.

So, bye, be gone.

Nah, that'd be really immature.

I think I should clear this up.

Bobby, remember that time you stuffed me in my locker after giving me an aggressive wedgie?

Then you felt bad and said someday you'd make it up to me?

Well, Bobby, today's that day.

All right, let the record reflect that the Wheeler-Walker divorce has duly been shredded.

Knock, knock, knock. Ah, Bonnie.

I'm glad you're here.

Okay, Brad, we need to talk.

It's all right, I know why you haven't been yourself lately.

You do?

You can sense that I'm unhappy.

I can?

Yes.

And that's why I'm leaving you.

What?

You're leaving me?

I am the best thing that ever happened to you.

You're absolutely right.

You'll never meet another woman like me.

I totally agree.

And without me, you would just be some young, hot, single guy!

Okay, that one totally got away from me.

Bonnie...

I need to finish Tad's journey.

I'm going on his quest.

Okay, wait, so...

So you're not leaving me?

You're just gonna be halfway across the world from me?

I can deal with that.

Oh, thank you, Bon-Bon.

I was so afraid that you wouldn't understand.

So, you'll be right here when I get back?

You bet I might!

Okay, just remember everything I told you to say, you got it?

Sam, hey, look who it is.

It's that horrible Bobby Sherwood who stole your yearbook.

Bobby Sherwood.

Came here to tell you he's sorry.

Any time, Bobby.

Sorry. I'm a terrible person.

Thank God Ben Wheeler showed me the error of my ways.

Just tell me one thing, why did you do it?

I don't know...

I guess, maybe... I liked you.

You liked me?

I mean, everyone did, but no one else stole my stuff.

Well, you never noticed me, and that made me mad.

So, I took it.

It was stupid and immature.

And I'm sorry.

Really?

I honestly had no idea.

Actually kinda sweet.

Do you wanna get a drink sometime?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I'm the one you should wanna have a drink with.

I'm the one who stole your yearbook!

I said too much.

Wait, you stole my yearbook? Why?

Yes, because I liked you, and when I heard you talk about the yearbook, I realized how stupid I was and I just wanted to do something nice for you.

I'm sorry.

You know, if you had such strong feelings, you should have just expressed them instead of keeping them bottled up.

A yearbook would have been a perfect place to do that.

I'm a therapist now.

Here's my card.

So, what's the deal, Wheeler?

Are you cool moving on from this high school stuff?

'Cause if you can't, it's gonna make it way too awkward for me to work here, and I really like this job.

You don't still like me, do you?

Oh, my God, no.

No. Haha.

No, not at all.

I'm so over you.

Let's not make this weird.

Can't a guy just get a girl her yearbook back? Please!

Okay. Good.

I'm gonna go back to work now.

All right.

So, you gonna fire her now?

You kidding? I don't want to break her heart. She's so into me.

Do you want me to tell you the truth?

Nope.

Everything is "Ben-tastic."

Okay, that's the first one that didn't work.

Hey, Riley, I need to come clean about something.

I don't like your cooking.

Really... you were serious?

Yeah, I'm sorry I lied, I just didn't wanna hurt your feelings.

That's okay, sweetie.

We'll just... eat out more.

You know what? Why don't you go grab your jacket, and we'll go out to dinner right now?

Really? Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

Excellent advice, Mrs. Wheeler.

Mm-hmm.

Looks like I never have to cook again.

I can't believe he fell for the meat waffle.

Yeah, like father, like son.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Hey, what are you doing?

Just, like, a fruit fly.