01x06 - Mother's Day

[bunniefuu]

[classical music on radio]

Too much on the arms.

What the [bleep] are you doing?

I'm getting a suntan.

Got my bikini on.

I got the afternoon off.

I thought you had, like, a date with a mom or something.

I have a date that my mom set up.

There's a big difference.

Did I miss any?

Yeah, in your anus hole. [laughs]

[laughs] Okay, Gene.

You can't get cancer up there from sitting in the sun.

[phone beeps]

Sunburn in rectum.

Possible?

[phone beeps]

Searching.

"Requiem for a Dream." Rectum. Rectum.

Searching.

"Requiem for a Dream." Not requiem. Rectum.

Oh, I'm shouting.

[Spanish telenovela on TV]

Oh, nice, you made me some popcorn.

Your dad's been looking for you.

What'd you tell him?

I found Gene!

What are you doing?

I told him I'd do that.

Gene, come on!

Tanzy's opening her Mother's Day gifts!

Why does he do this every year?

Maybe he feels bad that you don't have a mom.

Also, Tanzy loves gifts.

Well, this just in: I don't give a [bleep]. You know?

Can you move?

Oh, sorry.

Oh, the production value's so bad.

Do you actually like this?

I--I'm sorry, I just can't get over the production value.

This one--this is from Gene.

You can tell because it's got Grumpy Bat on it.

Not from me. I don't give a [bleep].

Ooh, leen-ger-ee!

Thanks, Gene.

[doorbell rings]

Got it.

Okay, wait. Say "You're welcome" to your mom, Gene.

I will, if I ever see her.

Mom burn. [laughs]

Good one, Gene.

I might have to return it 'cause it's for a fat person.

That's fine.

What?

Hi, Gene.

I'm your mom.

♪ We're too gangsta for TV

♪ That's why you don't see us ♪
♪ But they still wanna be us ♪

Ha ha!

[gasps] Oh, my God.

We can play dirty hooker later.

Whoo! Yay.

Dad, there's a man who says he's a mom?

Yeah.

Is that like a manny?

Diane.

It's Dan now.

Oh.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Well, I'm--I'm Gene's mom.

Oh! Well, happy Mother's Day!

Would you like a Mom-mosa?

It's like a mimosa, only it's champagne.

Tanzy, don't. Just--

I'm sorry.

Maybe I--I should've called before I came over.

Oh, well--

You can use our phone.

No. Tanzy, don't. All right?

You--you--I got to... [exhales sharply] just--I--just gonna--

Daddy, are you okay?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

This is so Diane.

It's Dan.

Oh, okay, Dan.

You are being so Diane right now.

What's going on?

I was Kent's first wife, Diane.

Yeah, and you left without warning, and now you show up the same way.

How dare you?

[whimpers]

Are you okay, Gene?

No, she's not all right.

I mean, she--she's trying to process something.

All right, I tell you what.

I think you should leave.

Yep, I think you should go, because as you can see, we are celebrating Mother's Day here.

Just so it's clear, I'm not Gene's mother.

I hope it's not too late for us to have a real relationship.

I'm on Facebook now and Linkedln, if you'd like a more a professional, somewhat useless connection.

[Kent clears throat]

[sighs] Well, good-bye.

Let's open my presents! Come on, Gene.

Wait!

What's up?

What?

What did you want?

You told me to wait.

Oh, right. Oh, now I remember.

My dad was just joking about the whole "you have to leave" stuff.

He doesn't really mean it.

Honey, your dad meant it.

We don't exactly have the best history.

He said you could come back in and, like, hang out if you wanted to, so you should.

Or I don't know.

Like, also who cares or whatever.

What did you say?

What?

Start walking.

[lively Western music]

[cell phone rings]

♪♪

Sorry I'm late.

[groans]

Name's Pony. I was at the strip club.

I've never been to Canada, and I have pierced nipples.

Oh, looks painful.

Yeah, this one's a little infected.

I don't know why you think I need to know either of those things.

Total honesty. That's my policy.

I'm sorry. Are-- you're the dental hygienist?

You're my mom's travel agent's son?

I don't know why anyone has a travel agent, but that's who you are?

Guilty as charged.

That's my bag.

Hey!

What are you do--

You got something to hide?

No.

[sighs] All right.

Oh, three deodorants.

That's weird.

I get nervous, and I like... different smells for different events.

Individually wrapped condiments.

That's some old lady [bleep] right there.

I like flavor.

Ooh, compact.

Thank you very much. I'm gonna take that.

Why?

Hey. Jerk off lotion.

That's not jerk-- it's just normal lotion.

I have--

We're both adults here.

A book.

Who brings a book on a date?

I don't know.

Someone who's nervous their date might be terrible.

This book's terrible.

You read "The Decameron?"

Yeah. Totally blows.

Everybody dies at the end.

So sort of a spoiler, but I'm really impressed you read "The Decameron."

I can barely get through it. All the--

You know what? You seem nice.

You got hair and the cans and everything, decent face, but, listen, I don't think it's gonna work.

And besides, my bros are having a bonfire down at their RV park, so, uh...

So, uh... what are we... waiting for?

♪

[grunts]

Jesus, your head is small.

Yes. My mom drank in the womb.

Let's go.

All right. Do you want--

Just leave it.

Mind if I take these knives?

Yeah, take it.

This is my door.

This is my carpet and some of my clothes.

Oh.

That's, like, a little dinosaur, and he's screaming out something.

I like to think he's like, "Language," 'cause I use curse words a lot.

[chuckles nervously]

That's my blanket I use it to block out the sun 'cause the sun [bleep] sucks.

These are my beanbag chairs. I like to sit in them.

Hmm.

Excuse me.

Ooh.

Well, I didn't say sit in my beanbag chair.

Can I sit on the floor?

Yeah, sit on the floor. Yeah.

I just don't know if there's anything on your butt.

Like to keep 'em clean.

[yelling and screaming on video game]

Do you have any hobbies?

Yeah, ice-skating and singing.

Do you have a favorite group?

Selena?

Oh, the--the dead lady?

Yeah, she's good. I saw that TV movie about her.

Do you ever have that thing happen where, like, you're going to the bathroom and your legs fall asleep?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It happens to you too?

Yeah.

Sometimes I'm on the toilet so long that I pretend that I'm on a talk show.

That's cool, *** it go?

Hello, I'm Dan and I welcome here very interesting young lady.

Very pretty lady with curly hair sitting next to me.

Hello, Gene.

Hi, it's nice to be here.

What are you doing dear today in the bathroom?

[laughs] I just go to the bathroom, man.

Me too.

Me too.

Got any TP?

Yeah, let me pass it to you.

[She laughs]

Oh.

It's too many... I'll pause the game.

So, did you ever, um-- did you ever think about me all these years?

Pass the gummy bears.

I thought about you constantly.

Like, when you were pooping and stuff?

Sometimes.

Gross.

I have to say that I thought that giving birth to a child would kick in my maternal instincts.

Did they?

Well, this is the first time we've been talking in 20 years.

So jury's still out?

It took me a long time to figure out that I could be both a man and a mom.

Same. I'm, like, a really, really, really good dancer, but I'm also super pretty.

You are very pretty, Gene.

Whatever.

So glad you didn't get my dead chicken eyes.

Oh, no, I got 'em.

A little bit.

You see it?

A little bit. For me?

Eat, eat.

You're skin and bones.

Bon appétit.

Mm.

You like it?

It's really good.

Oh.

[gags]

That was so violent and awesome.

Ugh.

Looks like we're early. Want to go around back?

Give you a little cat bath, little butt stuff?

You can't just say stuff to people like that.

Well, you know, I'm sorry, all right?

But that's the kind of guy I am.

I give little to no thought to the things that I do or say.

I just--it's off the top of my head, you know?

South Dakota. Cinnamon buns. Tawny Kitaen.

Did not think about those words at all.

Salmon. "Mamma Mia." English.

Lick. Lick, lick, lick.

Lick, lick my [bleep]. I didn't mean the last part.

Ooh, no, no, no. That was my favorite part.

[upbeat music]

Nice foot kick, Ma.

Thanks.

What else should you know about me?

Well, I have a fear of spiders and Pierce Brosnan.

Same. Oh, but I like spiders.

Oh, yeah? What's your favorite TV show?

"Transparent" and "Vanderpump Rules."

I love Vanderpump Rules.

Isn't it fun?

Yeah.

Whoa, hey.

What the hell, Diane? I asked you to leave.

Don't yell at him.

My name is Dan, and you know that.

Your name is Kent. I hate that name.

I always have.

Ah.

And how the hell did you not see that I have been here all day?

Don't yell at him.

I have an extremely big house.

Now answer my question.

Gene told me that you said that I could come back.

I never said that.

Gene, why did you say that?

Don't yell at my daughter.

Gene, why did you say that?

It's my extremely big house too!

Fine. What-what do you want, Dan? Huh? Joint custody?

You remember what happened with Teriyaki.

Don't you bring up Teriyaki.

Ah.

We shared a terrier mix, and then I lost our custody.

Yeah.

To a coyote.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, that's correct.

Dan, I want you to...

Stay in Billie's guesthouse?

Leave.

I didn't know you had that kind of aggression in you.

Well...

You used to be so passive.

Well, I guess we've both changed.

Good-bye, Gene.

Wait, no.

Why do you make all the moms go away?

Why do you make them go away?

God, I hope she gets it once.

Mm-hmm.

Ah!

I hate my life! It sucks!

It's a sucky, sucky life, and I'm gonna k*ll myself!

Shh!

I've got to do something to make this better.

I totally messed it up.

I got to get my family back together again.

Shh!

Oh, sorry.

[rapid Spanish speech on television]

They must really hate each other.

Whoa, now they're, like, in love?

What is the plot of this?

[softly sighs]

Oh, my God. I get it now.

Love and hate are one and the same.

Where there is heat, there is a flame.

[mystical flute music]

What's happening to your face?

A plan.

This is absolutely fascinating.

I don't know anything about this subculture.

Do you mind if I take notes?

Nah, go ahead.

Thank you. There we go.

I got a little notebook just in case I saw something I didn't know yet.

Another round of homebrew?

Oh, hell yeah, Joker.

Oh, when.

Save some for yourself.

Can't, I got a long drive home.

Well, have you ever made non-alcoholic?

I heard it's a bitch.

Oh, it really isn't.

Yeah, you brew it the same, but then you heat it to 175 for 20 minutes before you add your yeasts and your sugars.

Are you for real?

'Cause that's some--that's real strange knowledge to have.

Oh, yes. In high school, I threw a party, and I didn't want anyone to get in trouble, so I homebrewed some NA.

No one ended up coming, but--

You two swing?

Do we swing?

You mean sexually do we swing?

Yeah. Joker here's very gentle for his size.

Well, now I know how you got your nickname, Jocker.

Do we swing?

I wasn't joking about swing.

Okay.

Guess who passed the friend test, right?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Just happy.

Oh.

Okay, 'cause your mouth wasn't moving, you're breathing sort of look paintfool.

Ah. Again.

Why are you here?

Let's see.

It's my house, and this is my backyard. Why are you here?

Because your daughter said she wanted to meet me here privately and to be here at Steven, which I assume means 7:00.

Well, I'm supposed to be here at Steven, too.

Ah.

Oh.

Well, she really went to town with the Christmas light thingies.

[soft jazz]

Actually look kind of nice.

I think she hacked the Spotify playlist of mine called "No Safe Word."

She also uncorked a 1921 Château D'Prive Magnum, which I will try not to let ruin the evening.

[both sigh]

Shall we?

If you insist.

[Spanish on TV in background]

Mm. No.

It isn't romantic enough. Put more romance.

That's good.

Very good, Joy.

[novella continues on TV]

What are you doing?

Not casting a spell. Mind your business.

[romantic music]

[clears throat]

I'm just gonna say it.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry that I didn't call before I came over.

Okay, that's good.

That--is that just for now or for the time before or the time before that or the time before that?

Okay. It was for every time.

Okay.

I'd really like to be part of Gene's life now.

It was wrong of me not to include you in the conversation.

Well, I appreciate the apology.

Do you still enjoy travel?

Travel remains a passion of mine, yeah.

Do you still enjoy listening to music?

I do. I like music.

It's music.

Mm-hmm.

Damn it. How do they spice it up in telenovelas?

A third party.

Is that, like, another person?

Yeah.

[heavy metal music]

Can I confess something?

If I say no, you're probably gonna tell me anyway, so...

When our moms sets us up, I was sure you were just some dental hygienist.

I am. I am a dental hygienist.

Yeah, but you're so much more than that, you know?

You're spontaneous and you're clever and real.

I thought this was some put-on, but it's--it's not, and it's awesome.

Sorry, I'm embarrassing you.

I just--this is--this is really great. That's all.

♪

I want you to have this.

Oh... ly cow.

Does this mean we're, like, going--going steady?

No, it means I gave you a jacket.

Okay.

[yells] You want to see something cool?

Uh-huh.

Oh, wow.

I'm not done!

[shutter clicks]

[giggles]

"I have these shoes.

♪ MothersDay."

[phone chimes]

[knock at door]

Hey, Tanz-manian devil, how's it going? Cool response.

Look, I just wanted to warn you--

How do I put this eloquently?

Your man is downstairs about to go downstairs on another man.

What? Dan's back?

I know, girlfriend.

I feel you, but sometimes people get back together.

It's like everyone always said to me, you know, "When you turn 25, Gene, you're gonna start wanting a family."

And guess what? I do.

I want my OG mom and my OG dad to live that OG lifestyle.

OG stands for "Only Gene."

I will not let this happen.

Oh, no.

I-I didn't want you to get upset and go downstairs and add a little spice to the scene downstairs, no.

I'm sorry, Gene, but I'm getting my man back.

Good! I mean, or boo.

Or do whatever.

[engine starts]

[engine revs]

The hell is he doing?

I think he's gonna jump over the fire.

I'm in love, and her name's Millie.

Billie!

You bet.

That's me. I'm Billie. This is for me.

[heavy metal music]

Go!

[gasps]

Pony, no!

Don't be upset.

Come on.

You remember that-- you remember that trip to Italy? It was so amazing.

Amazing times.

It was so amazing.

Do you remember the thing you kept doing in Naples?

You don't?

I don't remember anything about Naples.

Come on.

You kept calling Naples "nipples" the whole time.

You know, it really wasn't all that funny at first, but you just kept doing it!

More, please.

Oh, [bleep], that's good.

Where the hell is Tanzy?

It looks like you don't need her.

You're right, Joy.

I need to take matters into my own hands.

I didn't want to have to do this, but it's not like I wasn't prepared.

Wish me luck.

You are all right, Mr. and Mrs. Good.

You're all right.

You are good.

Hey, Mom and Dad, how 'bout a tune.

[guitar strums]

♪ Let's get--

You want this? Is this what you want?

You want me to be a man?

You want my husband, don't you?

No.

Well back off! 'Cause he's mine, bitch!

Ow!

Tanzy!

You apologize this instant!

No, it's okay.

We're all grown-ups here.

We can handle this like adults.

All right.

[screams]

[somber organ music]

♪

[screaming]

Stop! Stop it! Stop it!

Get off of her!

That's it.

No biting! No biting!

You're crazy!

And what? And what? And what?

Take her inside! Take her--take her inside.

Don't talk like that.

I'm gonna k*ll you.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay, Mom?

Okay.

I should probably go now.

I have overstayed my welcome.

And I tried to head-butt a woman.

So I've got to go home.

Wait!

Oh, I forgot why I said that.

I'm so sorry you had to see me like that.

No, I'm pissed I didn't, like, Vine it.

That was, like, "Vanderpump Rules" type [bleep].

Kent, would you walk me to the car?

I'd like to remain alive at least until then.

I--I got you. Come on, Dan. Come on.

Wait!

I remembered.

Oh.

This is not a good-bye, okay?

I love you, Mom.

I love you, too.

All right, come on. Come on.

Wait, are you guys back together?

Both: No.

[whispers] Yeah, they're back together.

How was your date?

Um, He d*ed.

Hmm.

Who was that man?

My mom.

Well, good night.

Good night.