01x07 - Magic

[bunniefuu]

There she comes.

There it is, moving on down.

Ooh, it's good. I needed the car wash, man. Yikes!

That was a dirty, dirty car.

My backseat looked like a water bottle graveyard.

What do we got here? What about these air fresheners?

You got one, like, to recommend?

Any smells that are, like, I don't know, sexy or...

Is that weird to ask? Is there, like, a sexy smell?

I think maybe piña colada?

Okay. Yeah, look at that.

Yeah, it smells like suntan lotion.

Yeah, I could see how that would work. Sort of, people get associations of... suntan lotion, beaches, bikinis, skin... yeah.

Yeah, no, we're just...

I'm picking up a girl in the car and, you know, I want my car to smell good. I don't want it to smell bad.

Yeah.

That's a bad first start.

What else we got here, uh...

Guys, Gus is coming over... [singsong] soon.

Bertie: Yay.

Syd: Who's Gus?

He's this guy I think I might be into...

Do you have butterflies?

Oh, yeah, I have butterflies, and I have a heart murmur, and I got the Hershey squirts.

But I thought you liked him.

I do.

I do. He's different.

He's... I think he might be a little bit boring.

Yeah, I mean, we've...

She and I have, like, talked before, you know.

We've interacted and, like, texted and stuff, but, like, I feel like that's, like, a little more workshopped?

Mmm.

You know, but this is like, this is real life, you know.

Yeah.

You can't workshop that, you know.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah. Yeah.

People seem to like pine.

Pine! Okay, yeah.

I like Gus. I feel like he's different. He's cool without trying.

Or even knowing.

He's definitely afraid to f*ck me.

Oh, God, no. That's no good.

I went through a phase where I was really loving having sex with very unattractive men.

Oh, yeah, that was my move. All women go through that phase.

Really?

Yeah.

You know, uh, Sam Kinison?

That comedian that screamed a lot?

He didn't scream with me.

No!

In fairness, though, he had laryngitis, I think.

I once had sex with a guy whose d*ck was so small, I thought it was a clitoris.

Mickey: Hmm... Gus!

Hey. Hi.

Oh, my God, Gus. Well, hello.

We were just talking about Christmas!

Oh, cool. [chuckles]

This is Syd, our neighbor/friend.

Gus: Hi, Syd.

Hello.

Hi.

You guys just all hanging out?

Bertie: Mmm-hmm.

Syd: Yeah.

I like it. It's like when, uh, my sister would have, like, a sleepover.

A cool vibe to, like, walk into.

[inhales sharply] Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Do you wanna... hang out inside?

Uh, yeah, sure. Cool. All right.

This way.

Nice to meet you. Good to see you.

Syd: Good to meet you.

Have fun, you guys.

So, what do you got going on the rest of the day?

Oh, I'm going to book club. We're reading Dianetics.

We just want to see what it is.

Okay.

[theme music playing]

Mickey: You want something to drink?

Gus: Yeah.

Thanks.

[clicks tongue] Got water, juice, milk...

Um, I'm good for some milk.

Okay.

Sure.

Thank you.

My grandma used to pour a big glass of milk and make me drink the whole thing 'cause she was from the Depression.

Oh. [chuckles]

[sniffs] Ooh. I think this milk's gone bad.

Oh, sh*t! That was in there to remind me to get new milk. I'm sorry.

You know what you should do?

You should just throw out the milk, so, like, the absence of milk is the thing that reminds you to get milk, you know?

Well, that's just our system.

I mean, this is the first time it's backfired.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Or you could just... empty out the milk and then just have an empty container in there and, you know, go...

"Oh, right, empty container, gotta get milk."

[both chuckle]

Do you want some water?

Yeah! That'd be great.

[water running]

Thank you.

[sighs] I have a question.

Mmm-hmm.

Are you afraid of bugs?

There are bugs under those cups and I can't k*ll 'em.

[insects fluttering]

'Cause it's, like, inhumane or...

Ew, no. No, because they're gross and I hate them!

Inhumane? [scoffs]

[softly] All right.

All right, well, uh... [inhales sharply]

Let's see what we're dealing with, huh? Okay.

No! Wait, wait, wait!

I don't know which of those are secretly alive and which of them can fly, and what if they fly into my face and they sting me?

What kind of bugs do you think you're dealing with here?

Every bug can fly, is poisonous, and has Ebola until it's proven innocent.

Okay. Hey, it's okay. You can just, um...

Can you get some tissues?

Yeah.

All right.

Thank you.

I'll be back here.

Okay. Yeah.

I think that's a good distance.

[groans]

Um...

Be careful!

I will. All right. Ready?

[exhales] Yeah.

Okay.

[inhales sharply] Did you get it?

Yeah, I got it.

[exhales]

Aw. You hear that crushing sound? It's satisfying.

You should come closer so you can...

Mmm-mmm. That's good. It's okay.

...hear this nice bone-crunching sound.

Did you get it? Did you get it?

Yep. Yep.

Okay.

He's dead.

Whew.

He's dead. This feels really good.

My heart is racing.

My heart is racing 'cause I'm excited.

Uh...

Okay.

Oh, sh*t! I saw that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw it too.

[groaning]

And it's gross. Okay.

All right. So I'm gonna bring these guys all together.

That's it? You got 'em all?

All right.

[sighs] Okay. I'm gonna, like, flush these.

Okay.

[mumbles]

[sighs heavily]

[toilet flushing]

[exhales] Took care of 'em.

That was kinda hot.

Yeah? You think so?

Yeah. You handled those f*ckers.

[Gus sighs]

Wow.

Wow.

[exhales]

[chuckles]

[chuckles] You had your eyes open.

I know.

I did, too.

So what?

Yeah, well, that's okay.

Okay.

I just want you to not be in pain.

[chuckles] I'm not in pain.

Okay, okay.

[Gus grunts]

[Mickey laughs]

[sighs] I should've never set you up with Bertie.

Oh, it's totally cool.

[breathing heavily] Okay.

[moaning]

[whispering] Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah? You want to?

Yes. It's okay.

Okay, okay.

[both moaning]

Mickey straining: Let me just... Okay.

Okay.

[Gus exhales]

Okay.

[both moaning]

Mickey: Okay.

[marching band playing in distance]

There's a high school around the block. Marching band practice.

Mmm.

I like it.

Me, too.

So, hey, you wanna...

[inhales sharply] get something to eat? You hungry?

I'm starving.

Yeah... Let's go out.

[groans] Don't you just want to stay in and order a pizza?

[groans]

No, I... think I might have some plans for us.

Oh, that's right.

You had a whole date planned.

Yeah.

Can I guess?

Uh, where we're going?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hollywood Bowl.

No.

That would've been good, but no.

Actually, the place I'm taking you to has a dress code.

[smacks lips]

So, I gotta get my suit out of the car.

Oh.

So...

I think I know where it is. Can I guess? Okay. Um...

[smacks lips]

Suit, eh? You're wearing a suit?

Is it Disneyland's Club 33?

What's that?

A private club at Disneyland where Walt used to...

[blabbering] ladies.

Oh. Yeah. It's, like, that restaurant at the park, right?

Yeah, I don't think Walt Disney, like... [blabbering] ladies.

Really?

Oh, yeah, all the time. [blabbering]

Wow! Okay. Well, that's cool.

Mmm-hmm.

All right.

You wanna get dressed?

I don't know what the dress code is. You pick out my outfit.

You want me to pick out your clothes?

Dealer's choice.

You look great.

Aw, thanks.

[Gus clears throat]

[shivering] Kinda chilly.

Yeah, right? Chilly beans.

That's what my dad used to say all the time.

He'd go... [deep voice] "Chilly beans." Uh.

Oh.

Let me get that.

All right.

Let me be chivalrous, huh?

Let me have old, weird, gender stuff.

[chuckles]

Okay?

[car beeping]

Gus on speakers: I cried in front of Natalie, like, a million times, and she cried in front of me, like, zero times.

[grunts] Damn it.

I, uh...

I record my therapy sessions.

Do you smell piña colada? [sniffing]

Yeah.

Yeah, I got an air freshener at the car wash.

This is taking me back.

I feel like I'm in my math teacher's car, Mr. Eldi.

Yeah, totally. I mean, uh... Wait.

You would ride around in a car with your math teacher?

Yeah, we would go shopping or whatever after school.

Shopping? [laughing] What...

What sort of stuff would you go shopping for with your math teacher?

I don't know.

Uh, what?

Oh, my God, that is weird.

Yeah.

No, he was great!

He was, like, my favorite teacher.

He was a good guy.

Mmm-hmm.

We were... friends, right?

I guess. I mean, he didn't, like, try anything...

No! No, we were buddies.

No? Okay. Okay.

Yeah, and your parents were okay with it, too? Like...

No, they loved him. They thought he was great.

Oh.

God. Should I call my mom right now and ask her if I was molested?

No.

Unless you think you should or...

Nah.

Gus: Are you cold?

Mickey: I'm always cold.

What do your parents do for a living?

Um...

My dad's a non-practicing dentist and my mom is...

Non-practicing? What do you mean? What's that?

Ugh. You know, it's a long story. I'll tell you some other time.

Um, my mom's an interior designer.

[smacks lips] Ah.

Is she a, um, what's it called... uh, a tetrachromat?

What?

They're, like, people who can see, like, more colors than normal people.

Like, you know, more than just ROYGBIV.

Well, who's Roy G. Biv?

Oh, he's not a person. ROYGBIV is, like...

I don't know, like, an acronym.

ROYGBIV. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo...

Are you making this up?

No.

Why, you've never heard of that before?

I remember learning that as a kid in school.

Must be a South Dakota thing.

In Jersey, all we got to learn was FBI stands for "Female Body Inspector."

Yeah. I think I've seen that shirt before.

But yeah, anyway, tetrachromats, you know, are, a lot of times, um, women.

Mmm.

And artists.

That's why I thought with your mom, maybe she, uh...

Yeah, I don't think she has that ability.

Oh, oh. Okay.

[sighs] So, what're you looking at? What sounds good?

I think I'm gonna get this avocado wrap but with the ponzu sauce.

Ah.

Can I take your order?

Uh, yeah, can I get that but with the ponzu sauce?

Only the garlic chicken comes with the ponzu.

Chef's orders.

Okay, then I guess I'll get it without the sauce.

But just so you know, that's kinda unfair.

Uh, yeah, I'll get the, uh, the vegetable tempura, please, and, um... [clicks tongue] can I also get the garlic chicken with the ponzu sauce?

Okay.

Thank you.

You know, I didn't even want the garlic chicken.

I just got it for the ponzu for you.

What? Gus, that's, like, the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me.

Hey, a girl's gotta have her sauce, right?

Hey.

Wow. That was a long time.

It was a long pee. Shut up. Don't pay attention to that.

Okay, sorry.

Now you got me feeling all goofy that I even...

[inhales sharply] said anything.

Um, hey, uh...

So, I wanted to ask you.

Have you ever been to The Magic Castle?

No, don't you need a special invitation or something?

Lucky for you... guess what I am.

A member.

[sighs]

I'm not really that into magic.

That's okay.

You know... just a whole castle devoted to it.

Why don't we just go to a bar?

We can just go there for the bar, you know.

Hey, trust me, if we go there, you don't like it, just let me know, we can take off.

Okay. That's fair.

Gus: See, the thing with Ricky Jay is, he's, like, basically at the top of the cool pyramid, you know, of magicians.

Tonight, you know, what you're gonna see is, like, the real sh*t.

When you say "real magic," you still mean it's all fake, though.

Right. They don't do, like, real magic.

It's not like they're wizards or something.

Ideally, you want to do a trick better than everyone else, you know, make it your own, put your own personal stamp on it.

Mickey: Thank you.

man: Watch your step.

Ugh, Jesus.

And it's like, if you think about it, in a way, you know... magic's almost like a form of performance art, you know.

Let me ask you a question and please answer honestly.

Okay.

Is this your way of telling... Are you a magician?

I know it may seem that way, but rest assured, I am merely a fan.

Okay, phew.

Welcome home.

Aw, thank you.

After you.

Thanks, Don, Carlos.

woman: No way. Uh-uh. Oh, no, how'd you do that?

[upbeat jazz music playing]

What?

Where's it gone? [gasps]

Oh, Lord.

You're good!

[laughs] Gus.

Uh-huh?

You have to check out this woman. She's amazing.

There it is! What? [loud gasp]

Easy come, easy go!

She's, like, amazed by everything.

Uh-huh. She's into it, huh?

I want to follow her around all night and see magic through her eyes.

[gasps] How's that happening? No!

Follow me. I want to show you something cool.

Okay. All right.

Come here, come here, come here. Yeah.

You coming?

[piano playing]

Ooh!

Ooh, cool! A player piano.

Oh, no, no, no. That's playing on its own.

What do you mean?

That's Irma. She's, like, the resident piano-playing ghost.

Cool!

Uh-huh.

Hey, let's go stalk that, uh, super excited lady.

No, you should ask her to play a song.

She does anything. It's cool, any song.

Anything?

Give it a try.

Request something, come on.

Oh, I got one. I got it. Yeah.

You got it? Okay.

Hey, uh, ghost piano, play, uh, "Blister in the Sun."

It doesn't know "Blister In The Sun"?

That's, like, the one Violent Femmes song everybody knows.

Um... I don't think her name's Ghost Piano Lady.

[exhales]

So just try it again.

Just, like, ask politely.

Miss Irma, would you please play...

["Blister In The Sun" playing]

See? Yeah.

♪ When I'm out walkin' I strut my stuff and I'm so strung out ♪
♪ I'm high as a kite I just might stop to check you out ♪
♪ Let me go on Like a blister in the sun ♪
♪ Let me go on ♪
♪ Big hands, I know you're the one ♪

[blowing]

All right, the balloon trick. Can I borrow a phone?

Okay, so, balloon, ordinary balloon, and ordinary phone.

[air releasing]

[audience gasping]

Check it out.

It's how I practice safe text.

[laughing]

All right, I'll do a card trick now, if you guys wanna see a card trick.

Do you mind picking a card?

Sure.

Take one.

Okay.

Look at it.

Okay.

Place it back in the deck anywhere. Good spot.

Okay. So, this trick doesn't use sleight of hand like most magicians here.

This trick uses sleight of mouth.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

A-ha! One card folded in my esophagus, once, twice, three times.

[clicks tongue] Was that your card?

Uh...

I don't know. Was I supposed to memorize it?

Yeah.

It was the nine of clubs!

That was her card, guys. The nine of clubs.

Trust me, it was the nine of clubs.

[indistinct chatter]

[stutters] He just said to look at it.

Oh, yeah, in magic, "look" means "memorize."

It's rare that you would look and not memorize.

Oh, well, he didn't explain the rules.

No, I know, I know, but, I mean, you've... you've seen magic before, right?

I don't know. I saw that show on Fox where they explained how they did the tricks.

Yeah, well, it's okay if you're not into it.

No! No! I'm having a great time. This is awesome.

I swear to you, the next time...

[whispering] I will f*ckin' memorize that card.

Yeah, okay, whatever. I don't care.

I mean, it's between... you and your magician.

[both laugh]

All right. Here we go.

All right.

Sorry about that.

[indistinct chatter]

Chilly beans in here.

Yeah, it's kinda cold, huh?

Can I borrow your jacket?

Uh, I don't mean to sound like super-crazy or annoying or anything, but it's just, like, they're really strict here about the dress code, so...

Well, maybe since we f*cked earlier, you know... it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

Okay. Makes sense.

Yeah Okay. But just, um... Just, um...

man over PA: Ladies and gentlemen, William the Wonder!

["Eye Of The Tiger" playing]

Whoo!

[audience gasping]

Gus: Wow!

Isn't that amazing?

Yeah, but I just feel like there's a trick to it.

Well, yeah... That's what magic is, you know.

Mmm.

Tricks.

[audience cheering]

Gus: Whoo!

Yeah, this guy's a real clothes horse, huh? What?

Why are all the women just assistants?

Like, why aren't there any female magicians at this place?

Everyone we've seen is a dude.

So, the man reads the paper while the woman does all the work?

How much longer is this gonna be?

About 40, 45 minutes.

[audience gasping]

Mickey: That sh*t's all wires. It's always wires.

Mickey: Wires and magnets.

[audience gasping]

[applause]

I feel like half of it is like...

Right.

It's showmanship.

Yeah.

Mickey: I still don't know how he's doing this sh*t, but I know I'm not looking in the right places.

[audience gasping]

Oh!

[applause]

You're gonna need to put your coat back on.

Gus, your buddy's talking to you.

Oh, hey, what's up?

I'm sorry, but if you don't put your jacket back on, I'm gonna need to ask you to leave.

[scoffs]

[inhales sharply] I'm sorry, she's just really cold and...

You know the rules? Come on.

What happened to "Welcome home"? f*ck this sh*t.

Oh! Um, sorry, Don. The thing is, she's freezing.

Don't make me get Carlos.

Carlos?

Dude, don't be a f*cking assh*le. I'm cold. f*ck this.

What...

Ma'am, we believe you've had enough entertainment for the evening.

[chuckles] What?

That's enough lip.

[scoffs]

Come with me so I can escort you out of the Castle.

Gus, are you hearing this sh*t?

On your feet.

Um! Get your hands off of me.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Gus, I'm sorry, but this place is being a total d*ck.

[groans] So embarrassing.

Whatever! f*ck these guys.

Don't say that! Don and Carlos are just doing their jobs, okay?

Yeah, I guess, if their job is being a jerk.

Look, they're right. I should've known better.

Gus, it's a f*cking Magic Castle.

But it's my fault.

Are you serious?

Yes.

Mickey, I'm sorry I'm not some rebel who's all about "breaking all the rules" all the time. Okay?

Can I just say, I thought magic was all about breaking rules.

Like, defying the laws of nature, whatnot.

And those people...

Oh, my God, they had such sticks up their asses.

I just don't take it that seriously.

Okay, well, I don't take it that seriously either, you know.

Like, the reason I like it is because it doesn't take itself seriously.

For me, I can just like... [inhales] turn my brain off for a few hours and, like, watch it like I was a kid, or...

[sighs] You know?

Like, I like seeing a guy pull a necktie out of a magazine, okay?

That sounded lame as I was saying it, but, like, in the moment, I thought it was cool.

It's also not fair to take someone someplace and then demand that they have a specific reaction to it.

Okay. I get that.

I guess I was just, like, excited and I wanted you to enjoy it, too. And...

No, I liked things about it.

Okay.

I just didn't like the things about it that you like and that made you mad.

Like, I thought that lady in the lobby was amazing and I would've happily watched her all night.

Okay.

We had fun singing that song with the piano, right?

Yeah. Yeah, no, it was fun.

It was just... I think it was just like, you know, magicians are, like, sticklers for, like, rules and tradition and stuff.

Yeah, like they all have to traditionally be men and the women have to traditionally wear super tight dresses.

Okay. I'll admit, there is a problem with sexism in the magic community.

I'm just not good with arbitrary rules and people who get off on being dicks.

I had a really nice time tonight. I'm sorry I don't believe in magic.

[sighs]

[clears throat]

Are you mad at me?

No.

Do you wanna come in?

Uh, okay.

[both moaning]

Wait, wait! Can you just hold on for one second?

Ow.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm just a little sore from earlier.

Okay.

Okay.

You wanna stop?

No.

Can we just... Can we move to the bed?

Yeah? Yeah, okay, okay.

Uh, sure. Let's go to the bed.

Okay.

Okay.

[grunts]

Would you mind if I use my vibrator?

Oh. No, that, that's cool.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Okay. [chuckles]

[Mickey chuckles]

Hey. Hey.

Hi.

[vibrator humming]

[moaning]

[Mickey moaning]

This okay?

[straining] Yes.

[moaning continues]

[moaning continues]

[acoustic music playing]