03x04 - Young & Parents

[bunniefuu]

You're a really good kisser.

(Laughs)

You're a really good everythinger.

Well, how do you know? We haven't everythinged... yet.

Which is why I am making dinner tonight at my place.

It's gonna be intimate and romantic and feature potatoes 'cause I have a big bag of them at my apartment and they're about to go bad.

(Phone rings)

Ugh. Conference call.

Hey... see you and those potatoes tonight. Muah!

(Knocking)

Hello.

Hello.

Who are you?

Uh, I'm Gabi. I'm Josh Kaminski's chef.

Who are you?

Kathy, Josh Kaminski's mom. I win.

Oh, my goodness! Well, come on in.

Ah, you know, Josh has told me so many amazing things about you.

(Laughs)

So you're a liar.

I already like you.

So, um, Josh didn't mention that you were coming.

Neither did his father, which is why I have Josh.

My boyfriend and I just broke up and I just wanted to be with my son... and his expensive Scotch.

Ooh, Scotch for breakfast.

Allow me.

Thank you.

Ah, do you want me to mix it in some coffee for you?

Ooh, no. Then it'll be too hot and I'll have to drink it slowly.

(Laughs)

Ah, funny and beautiful. You must have been the one that did the dumping.

Um, so, what happened?

Let's just say the relationship was harder than he was.

Oh. Oh!

Guess who got off his conference call early and is hot for a little... Mommy.

Joshy!

Uh... Scotch, awake at 9:00 A.M.

Who'd you break up with?

Can't a mom just come see her darling son?

Hector.

Ah.

Well, I'm actually glad you're here. Ah, you met my girlfriend, Gabi.

Girlfriend? I thought she was your chef.

I actually am both.

Um, girlfriend recently.

(Ding)

And chef right now. Sticky buns!

Isn't Gabi great?

She's adorable.

Dump her.

(Theme music playing)

♪ She's in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She'd run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

I made you your favorite: turkey club and curly fries.

And speaking of favorites, I think I'm your mom's new one.

(Giggles) Quick, quick, while she's upstairs, tell me everything.

Does she wanna put me in an ice cream cone and just eat me up?

(Chuckles)

She does! She loved me!

My mom always said there are two ways to a man's heart: through his stomach and through his mother.

And guess what? Check and checkola.

Gabi...

Listen, I already know what you're gonna say, and of course we can have her over at my place for dinner tonight.

So tell me, how does your mom like her potatoes?

Distilled into vodka.

Look, there's something I want to tell you, but I'm not really sure how to say it.

Oh, Josh, it's okay.

I already know.

(Whispers) Your mom has a drinking problem.

Yeah, and a bit of a problem... with you.

What?

She thinks you're a gold digger.

What? Why? What would make her think that?

I'm rich, you're poor. Her words, not mine.

Then... you told her I'm not after your money, right?

Of course I did.

But she didn't listen 'cause she's a judgmental, pill-popping boozer.

But I want that judgmental, pill-popping boozer to like me.

Look, we're talking about a woman who has never had a successful relationship in her life.

She bounces from man to man to man. Honestly, I think it's a sickness.

But the point is, it doesn't matter what she thinks.

It matters what I think, and I adore you.

And I adore you.

Which is why... she is coming over for dinner tonight to get to know the real me, and what better way to do that than to show her what I do best.

So what's her favorite food? Anything she wants.

Lobster, caviar, and champagne.

Oh.

Here, I'll give you my credit card.

What? No, no! What, so we can prove to her that I am a gold digger?

No way. Dinner's on me.

Hey, Dad, do you have PayPal?

Oh, thank God you were free, Yolanda.

Jake's out of town and Gabi kicked me out of the apartment.

So, what you're saying is I was your last option.

What I'm saying is girls night out!

(Chuckles) Well, I'm excited to be at a movie theater that serves alcohol.

If they did this at church, I might actually go.

Ooh! It's two for one drinks.

Okay, how about a margarita and a piña colada?

Mm-hmm.

What are you gonna have?

(Laughs) The same. By the way, my friend's husband's out of town Mm-hmm. so I had to invite the bitch to girls night out.

I hope you don't mind.

Hey, ladies!

Hey, girl!

Now sit down. The usher will be here any second with your booster seat.

Would that be the same usher that had to butter you into yours?

Ooh, she is a bitch.

So, uh, Kathy, can I get you anything else?

Ah, lobster, caviar, champagne, my kidney?

No, but how's your liver?

Mom, isn't this a delicious dinner?

That, um, Josh did not pay for?

Gabi, I must say I'm impressed.

Oh. Well, thank you.

Do you hear that? She's impressed.

So, is it safe to leave you two alone for awhile?

I've had to pee for, like, 45 minutes.

Yes, of course. Go! I... ah, very excited to have some alone time with your mom.

She's one of the most amazing women I have ever met.

(Chuckles)

You need to get out more.

Well, um, should we retire to the living room for some fine Scotch that I paid for and have the receipt to prove it?

Gabi, clearly he told you what I said.

He did, and I swear I am not a gold digger.

This thing between me and Josh has been brewing for a long time and it has nothing to do with his money.

It has everything to do with him.

You know what? I believe you. You're not a gold digger.

Thank you, Kathy.

You're just not good enough for him.

Huh?

Remember his ex-fiancée, Caroline?

She was rich, educated, and from a good family?

You're none of those things.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Great Scotch.

Cheap glass.

How did it go?

Well, it couldn't have gone worse.

(Knocking)

Dad, what are you doing here?

Who's the lady who called my little girl a gold digger?

Ooh, that would be me.

And it's worse.

Look, I don't know you and you don't know me but I heard what you said about my baby girl and I was so pissed, I jumped in my car and I drove four hours from Reno just to set you straight about her.

You left Reno? You should thank me.

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm standing up for you. Now sit.

Uh, sir, we haven't had the pleasure of being properly introduced.

Josh Kaminski.

W-wh... whoa. A-ah... Josh Kaminski as in her boss Josh Kaminski?

Yeah.

Um, did I forget to, er, mention that on the phone?

Um, Josh is in fact my boss and my boyfriend.

I wear many hats.

Oh ho-ho, that is, that is too good.

So, your son is a boss who's taking advantage of his much younger, innocent employee, and yet my baby girl is the one who lacks class.

Dad.

See this Jerry Springer scene here?

This is what I'm talking about when I say your daughter lacks the pedigree for my son.

The apple doesn't fall far.

Oh, no, no, no. He's the apple that doesn't fall far.

My... my daughter is an... is an angel...

This is unbelievable. We're only four days into our relationship and everything keeps happening!

Everything but the sex.

Really, Josh? You wanna go there now?

I'd like to go there anytime.

(Shattering)

But I think my mom just threw a plate.

(Gasps)

Kind of her signature move.

What? How am I gonna return those now?

Gabi, I'm serious. What are we gonna do?

I'm not opposed to running.

We gotta do the only thing we can do. We gotta break up.

Wh... what?

No, no, not a real breakup. A fake breakup.

A frake-up.

Why would we do that?

Think about it. If we're not together, they have nothing to fight about.

And then they can go home very far, far away from here.

My dad's gotta get back to work and your mom's gotta get back to... drinking something.

And then we can get back to being just us.

That is the dumbest idea, Gabi.

Ah, maybe my mom was right.

Why am I dating you?

Josh...

Fraking it.

Oh, that was fraking good.

(Laughs)

Look at Miss High Class pouring herself another drink.

No, this one's to throw in your face. This one's my next drink.

Well, take it to go, Mom. We're leaving.

Gabi and I broke up.

Attaboy. Love 'em and leave 'em.

We may never know who your real dad is, but you're definitely my son.

Baby girl, you... you really broke up? Are... are you gonna be okay?

Yes, Daddy. I'm... I'm glad it's over. I don't know what I was thinking.

How can there be no to go cups?

Hey, Marlboro Man, you must have an empty Big Gulp cup in the back of your pickup.

You know, the more we thought about it, the more we realized that you two were right.

You know, you did take advantage of me.

And you are not good enough for me.

Hey, sweetheart, let Mommy be bad cop.

Goodbye, Larry the Cable Guy.

So long, Honey Boo Boo.

I can't believe that uptight theater kicked us out last night for being too loud.

You could see Ben Affleck's nipple. Excuse me for squealing.

We did not get kicked out because you were too loud or because Elliot laughs like a Junior Miss getting her first tiara.

It's because I'm Latina, you're black, and he's...

Ugly?

They can't treat us like that!

She's right. It's an injustice.

Yeah.

And we're not gonna take it anymore. You know what I think?

I think we should start a social media campaign.

Ha! I love it! What is that?

It's where we tweet about how we were wronged and then we ask everybody to boycott that theater.

The key is to come up with a good hashtag.

Hashtag. Uh, what is that?

It got anything to do with hash browns?

Hello, boss.

Hello, employee.

Gabi, I was up all night thinking and I just want you to know I like vodka in my orange juice.

Way ahead of ya.

Thanks, cutie.

Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings about last night.

There aren't.

'Cause I think you're a great girl and a top notch chef.

Well, I'm off for my morning run.

Mom, you don't run.

I know, but it sounds better than foraging for pills in your medicine cabinet.

See? Calling me "cutie", morning drinking, everything's back to normal.

We just have to frake it for one more day.

(Sighs) But I really want to see you tonight.

I know. I do too.

Hey, maybe there's a way we can sneak out and be together tonight.

I'm listening.

Well, my dad's gonna watch the game at 7:00...

Perfect. My mom's pills kick in at 7:00.

I was thinking maybe we could go to the movies and sit in the back row and make out like we're in high school.

Did you know that I saw Transformers six times?

How amazing were those robots?

Oh, I'm sorry. I should... I heard Transformers six times.

This was such a good idea.

I cannot wait to not see this movie with you.

I know. I don't even care what we're not seeing.

Hey, you know what I just realized?

This is our first movie together.

I'm gonna remember it forever.

Aww.

Me too.

Because our parents are making out with each other right there!

(Both) Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

We gotta stop them.

No, we can't.

If they see us on a date together, we'll look like liars.

We are liars!

Shh!

You shh!

You're not the one whose parents are making out right over there!

Yeah! And we are not brother and sister!

Gabi?

No!

And here's to a successful boycott.

You guys should have heard that theater manager on the phone. He was so nervous.

I gotta give it to you, Elliot.

Tweeting our story through various media platforms really increased our outreach.

(Chuckles) Hashtag: your job ain't so hard.

Okay, guys, listen to me.

This theater manager is gonna try to shut us up with a couple of free movie passes.

Uh-uh. We're gonna want a whole year's worth.

And a year of free popcorn.

And two years of free booze!

(Knocking)

Oh, my God, he's early.

Now remember, let me do the talking.

I have a dream that one day we will all see movies for free.

Free at last, free at last! Thank God Almighty, the drinks are free at last.

Mr. Klepfer, I presume.

Sofia. We spoke on the phone. Do come in.

Well, I just wanted you to know that I came down here personally because we take claims of discrimination very seriously.

Good.

Thank you.

Vodka.

Which is why I brought last night's footage from the theater security camera.

Oh, there's proof. We're gonna need to see that footage, sir.

(Both) Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

(Both cheer)

I did it!

Whoa! Hey, sexy!

Wanna help me get the popcorn out my bra?

(Yolanda) Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

Uh-oh... I don't feel so good.

(Retches)

So, as you can see, the only grounds for legal action would be against you three for public intoxication.

Let me tell you something, Mr. Klepfer.

If we promise never to come back to your movie theater, can we just drop this whole thing?

Deal.

How did this happen? How did this happen?

How? How?

How did this happen?

Yeah. The last time we saw you, you two wanted to k*ll each other.

I know! It was so hot!

(Both laugh)

(Both) Ew!

Yeah? Well, the last time we saw you, you two were broken up!

Yeah, well, ah, newsflash, it was a frake-up.

A what?

A fake breakup.

Yeah. We did it so you guys would stop fighting and go home, and leave us together at peace.

Oh, clever.

Like memorizing the alphabet backwards so you can pass a sobriety test.

Please tell me this was just a one-time thing.

Well, I, uh, I can't speak for Kathy, but I do find her to be very attractive.

And Nick is unlike any man I've ever been with.

He's got the body of a day-laborer.

No! No, no, no, no!

This is not happening. This cannot happen.

Why can't you date and we date?

Because if you guys are together, that kind of makes me and Gabi brother and sister, and this isn't Game of Thrones.

So smoke a bowl and get over it.

No, no, no, Kathy. I get it. I've got premium cable.

Look, Gabi, angel, you... you know I'd do anything for you, but it's just been such a long time since I've met someone I really liked, and I don't want to give up this amazing woman unless I know exactly what it is I'm giving her up for.

Well, what are you saying, Dad?

What I'm saying is I need to know if this thing is really serious between you two.

Yes, it's very serious.

Josh?

I'm crazy about her.

Well, I'm sure you've been crazy about plenty of women.

I just need to know, is my daughter one of the plenty?

Absolutely not.

She's different from anyone I've ever met.

You saying you could really commit to her?

Yes. Forever.

Oh...

Oh, Joshy, I've never heard you talk like that about anyone.

(Whispers) Prenup.

All right, well, since you two really see a future together, I guess all I can say is Kathy, it was a pleasure meeting you.

You have no idea what a pleasure it could have been.

Hm.

In another life perhaps.

Oh...

Mom.

(Clears throat)

Honey, I will see you back at your place.

Thanks, Dad.

And you, take care of her. I know where you live.

I'll walk you downstairs and give these two a little privacy.

(Ding)

That was just a frake-up, right?

Oh, yeah.

(Ding)

Hey, boyfriend.

Hey.

To surviving our parents.

And, uh, to you.

I mean, Josh, some of that stuff you were saying to my dad, the forever stuff, I had no idea that you felt like that.

Yeah. Neither did I.

Well, I thought that it was very sweet, What was that?

What?

You just took a step back.

(Scoffs)

No, I didn't. Get over here.

Oh, my God!

You just did it again but just with your head this time.

What's happening?

Nothing's happening.

You heard what I just said to your dad.

I told him how serious I was about you, that I could see us spending the rest...

(Strains) of our lives together.

Why are you freaking out?

(Strains) I'm not.

Yes, you are... oh, my God.

What if the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?

What if you're just like your mom and you're afraid of commitment?

(Strains) That's ridiculous.

I mean, really, Josh. I mean, think about it.

Since I've worked here, you've had a lot of relationships.

But I wasn't serious about any of them.

Maybe it's 'cause you couldn't commit.

I mean, you even broke off your engagement with Caroline.

To be with you!

I want you!

Okay.

Then kiss me right now and prove to me that you're not afraid of commitment and you're not like your mother.

(Scoffs)

You can kiss me, right?

Of course I can!

I'm not my mother.

Oh, my God, I'm my mother!

Don't go in there. Don't go in there!

He's got a Kn*fe!

(Both yelp)

Let the record show the black lady was not yelling at the screen!

Right, girl? Boom! (Laughs)

Alan, you know the actor I was talking about the other night but I couldn't remember his name?

This is him. Who is this?

Truffle fry?

Want truffle fries?

Girl, you want some truffle fries?

I know that's right!

I just looked it up! He dies in the end!

(Audience groans)

He dies in the end! Oh, it's over!

(Yells)

That's so sad!

I know!

Oh, y'all mad?

I'm trying to save y'all some time!

Why do you gotta die?

I'm trying to save her some time.