05x13 - And the Lost Baggage

[bunniefuu]

Max: Hey, Earl.

You girls are back from Hollywood already?

Time sure does move fast.

We haven't left yet.

Time sure does move slow, especially when you are as high as I am right now.

There's a car waiting out front to take us to the airport.

The only thing better than a town car is a getting-out-of-town car.

And I came in to say there's a car waiting for me out front, and it's not a police car!

Ha!

I knew you two weren't going to LA.

I knew you were just pulling my chain.

You know, when I pull your chain, you go, "Whoo-hoo-hoo."

No studio would fly you two cross-country just to discuss a movie about Caroline losing all her money.

That's almost as funny as that time Caroline said she reported the diner to the health department.

Which reminds me, Han, there's something here for you from the health department.

Han, we really are going to LA.

In fact, they're already talking to the Keebler Elf about playing you in my movie.

It's between him and the Asian daughter from "Modern Family."

Ha!

This is almost as funny as that time Max said she registered me as a sex offender down at city hall.

Han, there's also something here for you from city hall.

Girls, what happened?

Are you on the no-fly list too?

You hide a six-pack of batteries in your junk once, and you're grounded for life.

Let's just go and never look back.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[Caroline gasps]

Oh, my God.

Max: This can't be our room.

This is so sweet.

Is that why they call it that?

Terrace! Terrace!

Staircase! Staircase! Oh, my God.

Take a picture before they realize there's been a mistake and put me back in coach.

These are the only 12 steps anyone's gonna get me to take.

Now me. Now me. Terrace. Terrace.

[gasps] The view.

Oh, I need to get a picture of me with the view.

This is so awesome.

Our view at home is just a painting of a view in the neighbor's apartment.

[camera shutter clicking]

Oops, careful of that railing.

Three out-of-work actresses "slipped and fell" from there last pilot season.

One fall is an accident, three an epidemic.

Ooh, look. We each get a pet.

Well, I'm Lawrence, the hotel's general manager.

I upgraded you.

You were supposed to be in a room with two queens... well, three if I was in it.

[laughter]

Thank you so much, Lawrence.

That's really amazing of you.

But why would you upgrade us?

[scoffs] Are you nuts?

That's like asking a teacher if there's weekend homework.

Well, I heard you were in LA for a movie meeting, and, well, keep me in mind.

Absolutely.

For what?

A part.

I'm also an actor.

I'm very versatile.

I can play a gay dad, a gay executive, a gay priest.

Is there any other kind?

I can also play straight.

Just ask my ex-wife Beth.

But she really should have suspected.

We would get into such knockdowns about the pesto.

Lawrence, I'm confused.

About what?

Gay guys care a lot about pesto.

Aren't you the hotel's general manager?

Yep, for the last 20 years, until I get my big break.

So keep me in mind.

Also, Ms. Black, your luggage is still lost, like me in my early f... thirties.

[phone chiming]

Enjoy the place. It's all yours.

This is Lawrence.

both: The place is all ours!

The place is all ours!

Hi. You have to get out...

For about an hour.

Go eat. It's almost dinnertime.

I'll put your name on the list at our restaurant.

And I'm sorry about this.

It's just that I have an A-list movie star who wants to have an "impromptu private meeting" here.

Is this like a Travolta masseuse kind of thing?

I said "A-list."

[Peter Bjorn and John's "Second Chance"]

♪ ♪

Lawrence said we were on a list, so why are we still stuck out here?

And don't blame my smelly shirt, because Johnny Depp, who's sitting over there, smells way worse.

Why are you two still at the bar?

Didn't you speak to Claude?

Which snotty gay guy is he?

Look, not everyone in this hotel is gay.

But Claude is hands-down-my-pants the gayest.

I also came to apologize for asking you for a part... without showing you my reel.

Come with me.

The Wi-Fi's better by that fountain that Whoopi Goldberg peed in.

I'll be right back, Max I have a feeling his reel is real short.

Ooh, Claude? Are you Claude?

Mm.

I'm sorry you had to be a baby named Claude.

I'm on the list.

Name?

Max Black.

No.

Yes, Max Black.

Uh, no.

Yep, that's me, Caroline Channing.

I'm with her. We're here together.

No.

Dude, don't make me hit you.

Max.

Max Black. Max, over here.

Claude, she's with me.

Very good.

Just so you know, I'm not a hooker.

Oh, I know.

Prostitutes don't have such a tough time getting past the maître d' here.

I'm Randy.

Sit?

And what makes you think I would need to hire a hooker to have dinner with?

Oh, I didn't think you were a john.

I thought you were a pimp.

Not a pimp.

Uh, not buying it.

Who else would wear five silver rings?

Every straight guy in LA over 40?

Wow, not a pimp, not gay.

You're really putting it all right out there.

You have to be from New York.

No, Brooklyn, New York City's trashy little cousin with hep C.

Wow, hooker, hep C.

You're really putting it all out there.

Can I buy you a drink?

A house?

There you are.

Hi. I'm Caroline. I'm...

Leaving.

What?

Go. I just got bumped up to first.

[phone chiming]

Livin' in LA and lovin' my life.

Hi, Sophie. How are you?

Oh, not too good.

Yeah, I thought I called Max's phone.

Is that the adoption agency?

Did you tell them we liked that couple who didn't plan on a 14th?

No, it's not the agency.

I called to talk to Max, but I got Caroline's "my life doesn't suck anymore" podcast.

Well, Sophie, Max isn't here.

She met this really cute guy...

Max already got laid!

[applause]

That's why I love LA.

Hey, way back in the day, I was all up and down the Strip.

Now I'm excited if I get up and down the step.

Sophie, Max didn't come home last night, but we don't know that she got laid.

Oh, she did...

By a lawyer.

And the verdict is in: hot.

Hey, Max, how hung was his jury?

Sophie, I have to go.

We have a meeting at the movie studio.

Call you later, Max.

I want details.

Helmet or turtleneck?

Oh, my God. I'm exhausted.

From all the sex?

No, we went on a hike this morning.

LA hookups are so healthy.

You exercised? Outside?

Oh, you must really like this guy.

Well, I've never had sex with a lawyer that wasn't court-appointed.

I'm so happy for you.

And he's a lawyer?

What, like, an entertainment lawyer?

Yep, he handles Bradley Cooper, Nicole Kidman, George Clooney, and... my Clooney.

[knock at door]

Morning. Got news about your luggage.

It's here?

No.

Like a young me, it's stuck in Detroit.

♪ ♪

[telephone rings]

Perry Tyler's office. This is Quan.

Oh, hi.

Yes, absolutely, set in stone.

We're so excited.

So not happening.

But our meeting with Mr. Tyler that was scheduled for 20 minutes ago, that's still happening, right?

Absolutely. Set in stone. We're so excited.

[phone chimes]

Ooh, I got a text.

No, it's me.

Oh.

[gasps] Max, I can't believe it.

You're hoping the lawyer calls.

I've never seen you hope for anything.

I thought he'd call.

I kind of liked him.

I went outside in the daytime.

Nina's on her way in.

You know, she's the executive who discovered me at that storytelling show.

I'm running behind, so you need to order me lunch.

I want a kale salad with a side of kale and a kale shake, and tomorrow better book me a kale-onic.

Caroline, what are you doing?

You're dressed all wrong.

Yours is a "riches to rags" story, a story we'll never sell if you go in there wearing that.

I have a huge hole near the crotch in my panty hose, if that helps.

It doesn't.

You need to look broke, busted, discarded from society.

Put on what she's wearing.

Fine, as long as I don't have to wear that stupid nurse cape.

♪ ♪

That dress looks cute on you, all three of you.

I know. Ugh, look at this.

It's like my first day of kindergarten.

Hi.

It's been two hours. Is he maybe ready yet?

Absolutely. We're so excited.

Fine, but these are about to blow.

So don't come crying to me when you're blinded by boob buttons.

Something in your shirt is itching me.

Why is there a joint in your shirt?

I think that's obvious.

It fell down from my hair.

Good thing you found it and not those TSA party poopers.

[phone ringing]

My phone. Where? Where it it?

Oh, I put it here in your front pocket.

Oh, cool, there's never room there when I wear it.

See, Max, I knew he'd call you.

Well, he said he would.

And he will.

But right now, this is Sophie.

Hi, Sophie.

How's the adoption going?

Did you find a 16-year-old who really let her parents down?

Hey, Earl, where is Oleg right now?

He just went to the men's room with the bra ads from today's paper.

Okay, I have 45 minutes.

But the thing is,

I still want the baby to look like me.

Well you can put hair extensions on anything.

Are you saying that I shouldn't adopt and I should keep trying to have my own baby?

Ohh, I've got go Sophie, our 4:00 2:00 meeting is on.

That's a wrap for today, Quan.

Wait, he's just gonna leave and not acknowledge our existence?

I can't believe this.

They're treating me like they know who I am.

Mr. Tyler.

Hi, Caroline Channing.

We were supposed to have a meeting.

Quick refresher: lost my billions but not my plucky can-do attitude against all odds.

I'm Max. I'm the odds.

Oh, yeah, you're the sad, dejected, destitute girl.

That's me, the destitute girl.

So sorry. Today got away from me.

Ryan Murphy can talk.

I'll have my office call you tomorrow.

Call her?

Call her?

Why don't you just tell her the truth, that she's never gonna hear from you, the movie's never gonna happen, and like every other man in this town, you're full of crap and silver jewelry.

Well, okay then.

So sorry to have kept you waiting.

Quan, set them up with another appointment tomorrow.

And this is platinum.

He's really gonna meet with us, right?

Absolutely. Set in stone. We're so excited.

So never gonna happen.

What do we do now?

Well, as I said on my first day of kindergarten... it's recess.

There you are.

Drinking alone at a bar in the morning.

Did we switch bodies when we switched clothes?

It's 5:00 somewhere.

Oh, my God. Maybe we have.

I just needed a few sips to calm myself down.

Look, I'm really sorry I lost it on that studio guy.

And I guess running behind his car and begging didn't work.

Wow, even apologizing in LA is healthy.

There's still a chance; Nina's meeting with Perry right now.

Maybe she'll smooth everything over, like everybody does here with their faces.

Oh, Claude, hi, Caroline Channing.

Lawrence put me on the list for a table.

And I'm Max Black, your worst nightmare.

One moment.

So aggressive. What is the problem?

I'm guessing low self-esteem.

Not him. I'm talking about you.

I'm guessing low self-esteem.

Nina, hi.

I didn't realize your meeting with Perry was here.

God, it's like everyone in Hollywood is here.

Yes, for about another month.

Then this place will be as empty as Keira Knightley's refrigerator.

So I just talked to Perry, and looks like he was really offended by you yesterday.

Uh, I'm sure people have said worse things to that man.

I mean, his license plate says, "Makin' Movies."

Max, you can't have an attitude like that and not get buried in Hollywood.

Nina.

Just ask Claude.

He used to run Paramount.

It's over?

I came all this way to be disappointed by a rich guy in Hollywood?

I could have just seen a Kevin Hart movie.

I'm sorry.

I better go sign for these drinks while they're still free.

Claude, Claude, look, I know you and I haven't gotten along, but quick fave.

I need to fix something for my friend.

Can I just go over there and talk to that guy, please?

Are you on the list?

I've never been on the list.

I can do this all day, sweetheart.

I'm a gay rumba champion.

Hi, I'm Max. I'll be your server.

Today's soup is "please don't ruin my friend Caroline's chance, it's all my fault."

And, of course, it's vegan, no dairy.

What's going on here?

Sir, I really screwed up, and as I screamed into your muffler yesterday, I am here to beg your forgiveness.

I wasn't talking about you.

I meant, why is there bread on my table?

Give her another chance.

This is the first good thing to happen to her since she lost all her money, aside from the time the Red Cross gave us coffee.

At least meet with her, so you can hear how amazing her story is.

It's a story of someone not being defined by all the bad things that have happened to them in the past and just moving on.

I'd buy a ticket to that.

Perry, what's happening here?

Why is there bread on your table?

This girl keeps trying to convince me to have a meeting with her friend.

I haven't seen a waitress this desperate since Shannen Doherty slipped me her head sh*t last night.

Well, as your lawyer, I recommend you give her exactly what she wants.

You won't be sorry.

I wasn't.

Come back tomorrow at 11:00.

You guys may have to wait, but I'll squeeze you in.

Oh, my... thank you so much.

Now, I have to go find my friend before she accidentally slips and falls off the terrace.

Max, hold up.

That was really cool of you.

I'm not even upset anymore that you didn't call me.

I didn't want to come on too strong.

Should I not have taken dating advice from David Spade?

Ooh, I got to take this.

Of course you do.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

Can I see you tonight?

Did you get that from David Spade?

That's all Stamos, baby.

♪ ♪

And you're sure it's not another fake meeting?

Because Quan called me to confirm, and that makes me nervous.

Randy says the meeting's legit.

And turns out you may have an LA BF.

Um, he is not my BF.

Because B stands for "boy," and that guy is a ma-an.

[knock at door]

Good news about your luggage.

Like a young me, it arrived in Los Angeles in one piece... with a few holes in it.

This is you, right?

Sure looks like me.

Max, you packed your waitress uniform?

The weird thing is, I didn't.

I guess I'm never getting away from that life.

Yes, you will. We're in Hollywood.

Anything can happen.

Oh, Lawrence, how did your audition go?

I didn't get it.

Oh, well, maybe it wasn't the right role for you.

What was it?

The Filipino gay general manager of a hotel who used to be straight.

Next one. You'll get the next one.

Well, now that your movie's back on, keep me in mind.

I really am a good actor.

Like right now, I'm acting like I'm not depressed.

Let's go out.

Let's do Hollywood stuff.

Let's go to the Observatory or see where Biggie got m*rder*d.

[gasps] Okay!

Let me just grab something to wear.

[knock at door]

Oh, my God. I hope that isn't Lawrence saying that he needs the place for an hour because Ben Affleck is here with a nanny...

Jude Law is here with a nanny...

Gavin Rossdale is here with a nanny.

Hi, girls.

Hey, we've got a lady that looks like you at home.

Wow, nice room.

Sophie, what are you doing here?

Well, after Max talked me into not adopting...

I did?

You did.

Well, I did a little research on my Barnes and Noble Nook.

Do you want one?

I guess they're just giving them away right now.

No, thanks.

I prefer to lie about the books I've read the old-fashioned way.

Well, it turns out all of these Hollywood actresses that are having babies over 40, like Geena Davis, Jane Seymour, Neil Patrick Harris, well, they're all going to this big-sh*t healer out here, so here I am.

It's cool if I stay with you, right?

Absolutely.

Set in stone.

both: We're so excited.