01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Come on, come on, make the--

Oh, you--

You m*therf*cker, you!

You... You f*cking... You f*cking--

You can't make a simple sh*t? Just put it in!

Oh, my man.

Hey, you shut your mouth, Carl.

Shut your f*cking mouth. This f*cking sh*t ain't funny.

This sh*t's hilarious, absolutely funny, look at you.

Getting your blood pressure all up for what?

'Cause you're losing your hard-earned money?

Why? 'Cause of a young rich brother who can't hit a foul sh*t.

And you can't call him n*gg*r 'cause I'm sitting at the bar!

Carl, shut up, I'm gonna get mad now, I'm serious.

Oh, don't get mad, Uncle Pete, you know I love you.

I'm just gonna laugh harder.

Yeah, the only part he got wrong is that his money's hard-earned.

(phone ringing)

Yeah, get the phone, you f*ck.

Horace & Pete's.

Yeah.

No, no, we don't.

You all right?

So far so good.

Why?

Nothing.

You want half this?

( patrons laughing)

What bothers me is that women want to just ignore the fact that there is some responsibility to the person that's growing inside them.

I know, but imagine if you had a guy growing in your stomach, you know?

It's not the greatest thing going on in your life.

Wouldn't you want to have some say of whether or not you can get it out of there?

Yeah, but I don't have those parts, okay?

I wasn't born to have babies.

I didn't draw that straw.

At a certain point, isn't there an obligation to live by what you are?

What you happen to be?

I mean, I know everybody'srights are the most important thing, but does nature have any rights ahead of you?

Even when-- Actually, especially when-- it comes to your own body?

Like, if I get cancer, I don't just go, "Oh, well, it's my right not to have it, so, just, cancer, get out."

You're a woman. You have a womb.

And if a sperm gets up there and fertilizes an egg, you have the baby. Is that ever a thing?

I don't know, eyebrows.

Let's say I ate a meatball sub and some chocolate and a bunch of cheese.

I’m gonna have a sh*t inside me like a rock.

It's my right to eat some prunes, liquidate that sh*t and piss it out of my assh*le.

I don't have to pass it f*cking solid.

Hey, that's my right.

Hey, hey, watch your mouth.

That's God's children you're talking about there, you m*therf*cker.

No, it's not. I'm talking about a big, hard sh*t Id' rather be diarrhea.

Same thing.

It is?

You were making an analogy. Don't act stupid.

You're talking about these baby-k*lling broads.

So you think abortion is m*rder?

Think ain't any part of it. It is m*rder. and it don't matter, because whoever does it, the baby and the mother go straight to hell.

Wait, they both go to hell?

The mother because she's a murdering whore and the baby because he ain't been baptized.

Well, at least they're together.

Yeah, that's right. That's kinda nice.

Well, it is a bit awkward.

She did try to k*ll the little guy.

Now they're together? Eww.

Yeah, but they're not together right away.

I mean, you don't just go, like, straight to hell.

I mean, you have to be dead, you know?

It's not like you commit a sin and then you go straight there.

You have to live your life and die first.

That's right, yeah. Then you get down there, you're like, "What the Hell am I doing here Oh, right. I had that abortion. f*ck me."

Plus, a baby doesn't automatically go to hell just because it ain't been baptized, so...

Man: So where does it go?

Well, it used to go to limbo, but that's been disbanded.

Not disbanded, um...

Nullified, by the church.

That's what I don't get.

So the church just decides what goes on in heaven and hell.

So all these aborted babies are just in limbo, then the pope makes a declaration and then what-- Like, an angel goes,

"Okay, uh, listen up, you damned babies. Limbo's closing. We no longer exist in the church's f*cked up imagination, so kindly, single file line into those buses to hell."

That's what you're telling me?

All right, well, so where do the babies go now?

Is it purgatory?

Nah, purgatory's different.

That's-- That's where they weigh your sins.

It's like, uh, triage for the afterlife.

No, the kid goes to hell.

That's it, just like the scumbag mother, whenever the f*ck she dies.

Yeah, but it's not a kid if it's aborted.

It's-- It's a fetus.

I mean, it could be that big.

So are you saying there's a bunch of aborted fetuses all over the place in hell?

People are just stepping on 'em, like, oh!

It's like hell's version of dog sh*t.

It's not-- It's their souls, you dumb fucks.

You don't get it.

It's not-- not real, like-- like real is real, there's...

When you die, you're just your idea of yourself.

You don't take your f*cking face and your arms and your legs and your torso down to hell.

It's just your soul that goes and it gets f*cked in the ass forever.

I wonder if God was a baby.

What if he was aborted. Where would we be then?

Wait a minute, who would have been around to abort God?

God's mother's doctor.

You think God was the first r*pe baby?

No, that would be Jesus.

You know, you're making my point for me.

Abortion is m*rder, it ain't up for debate.

That's it. It's a sin, it's a sin, Pete.

All right?

Okay, it's a sin.

Um... Do any of you have any interest in what a woman has to say about this?

Like, I know you're all doing super fine without me, but just-- Are you maybe curious, at all?

Not really.

You know what? I actually am a little curious.

What are your thoughts on this?

You white knight f*ck.

Hey, what the hell does that mean?

You don't care what she thinks.

You're just trying to white knight so you can f*ck her.

That's not true, we're talking about a woman's issue.

I'd like to hear a woman's point of view.

It's not a woman's point of view if the baby's a boy.

We're talking about a woman's body.

She has the right to choose what to do with it.

Yeah, and inside of that body, there's the baby's body, and that's the body we're talking about.

But it's inside the woman.

She doesn't even come into it.

It's inside a woman's body. That's her call.

Yeah, fine, it's not any less alive.

'Cause she's the baby house.

Hey, you know, Ralph's is closing.

Ralph's on Atlantic?

Yeah, the guy who's in there now, I think his name is Abel, he had a heart att*ck, and I think one of those Hasids from Williamsburg bought the building he's in and he's missing this month's rent, so he's out.

That's cold.

That's life.

But I was thinking that they probably have a lot of sh*t there that we can use, you know, chairs and stuff.

Chairs?

Well, half our chairs are sh*t.

You know, so we could pick some up for cheap and some bar hardware, other stuff.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah, fine.

All right, fine. How about...

How about, "That's a good idea, Pete."

I mean, how hard is that?

What's the matter?

You all right?

Are you crying?

No.

Hey, I know both you old ladies are retired now, but you feel like doing some work?

Both my kegs are empty and they need to be changed downstairs.

Yeah, I'll get it, I'll get it.

What's wrong with her?

Nothing, she's-- He's all right.

Hey, what are you, down in the dumps or something?

What's wrong with you?

There's nothing wrong with me.

How long's he been acting like this?

I don't know. Just, today.

I know what's wrong here. This guy needs to get laid.

What's the last time you got laid, Horace?

Well, he kicked Rachel out a month ago.

Probably since then.

There, you see?

You see, you got all that cum backed up to your brain.

That's why you're-- That's why you're all depressed like this.

Am I right?

Am I right?

Maybe, yeah.

You need to find a nice girl.

f*ck that, "a nice girl." He needs to get laid.

I'll make a couple of calls.

Couple-- Who you calling?

I’m gonna find you a girl so you can get all cheered up.

Okay, put the phone down, Pete.

What, come-- You just said you needed to get laid.

Who-- Who are you calling, particularly.

Here, here. Here we go.

Chin Lau. She lives close.

Chin Lau?

Yeah.

Chin Lau?

What, you don't like Asian girls?

No, I didn't say that.

You've never been with an Asian girl.

Is that right?

Yeah, I haven't been with an Asian girl before.

You-- You prejudice m*therf*cker.

You never f*cked an Asian girl? What do you think they're for?

Put the phone down, Pete, and get out of my life.

Seriously.

You know something? You know something, Horace?

You're a miserable f*ck.

I tried to do something nice for you just now, you act like I was doing something bad.

You-- You selfish, miserable f*ck.

I didn't ask you to do anything for me.

I didn't ask anything--

You know what your problem is?

Your father didn't bring you up as a father from the time you were born and the problem with that is your father understood that being a person involves letting other people do for you.

Jesus Christ, Pete--

f*ck you, Horace.

f*ck you and your mother's c**t.

Hey, listen up.

One on the house for everybody.

(patrons celebrating)

What did I say? What...

It doesn't matter.

All right, I'm gonna go check the keg.

(indistinct chattering)

♪♪♪♪
♪ Horace and Pete ♪♪

(knocking)

Hi.

Hey, Maggie.

Hi.

How are you?

I hope it's okay I brought some bourbon, 'cause you guys serve sh*t here.

That's all right.

You want one?

Sure, yeah.

Okay, good.

So...

How are you?

I'm-- How you doing?

Um... (chuckling)

I'm okay, Horace.

It's nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

I'm glad you texted me.

Yeah, me too.

Horace.

(glasses clanking)

Here.

You okay?

Mm-hmm.

There you go.

There you go, take it down.

Take it down.

You okay?

Yeah.

Well, you needed a booty call, so something's missing.

Well, no, no. I thought it would be nice to see you, I--

Oh, buddy.

Oh, no, no, you don't have to.

Come on, I haven't seen you in over a year, and then today you write me, "Hey," so I go, "Hey."

And then you go, "What are you doing tonight?"

Come on...

That--

Yeah, but I seriously just wanted to, like, to talk or say hi or just--

Seriously, it's okay.

Here I am. You said hey.

I said hey back.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey-- Ooh.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Mm-mm. Mm, hey.

I just, I wanna get-- I wanna get a little f*cked up.

Right, yeah...

Before...

Okay?

Sure. Sorry.

No, no.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Are you all right?

I'm okay, yeah, yeah.

You know, I’m okay.

What?

Okay, um...

Do you want to hear about me?

Could cheer you up, because I bet it's worse than you.

Then yeah, please.

Okay, so...

I got married.

What?

Mm-hmm.

When?

Back in April.

You got married?

Yep.

And I would have invited you if you had answered any of my texts.

sh*t, Maggie, I--

I didn't know you're married now.

Ah, but I’m not.

You're not?

Mm-mmm.

But you got married.

I got married in April.

And now you're not.

Nope.

Married.

So that-- It just fell apart that quickly and you get divorced?

No.

Did he... die?

sh*t.

Maggie.

When? When did...

A month ago.

So...

How long were you...

Ah, Lordy! So....

Um... Last year...

Yeah.

When I quit here, after you and I f*cked around and then you got weird, so I had to leave.

Well, I didn't...

I mean, you didn't have to leave, Maggie, you know.

You fell in love with me, so...

Sorry.

That's fine.

I'm sorry.

It's okay, I’m just--

I'm telling the story, so...

Right, go ahead. What happened?

Then, I got a job in Manhattan, which sucked, 'cause I had to take the M train back to Brooklyn every night, and I hated it.

Anyway, so then I decided, f*ck this.

New York, just f*ck it.

I don't need this, this is a bad idea.

How many times is New York gonna kick me in the balls before I get the point?

So... I had this friend, Trisha.

She lives in New Orleans.

She invites me down for Jazz Fest, so I figure...

So I figure I'll go down there, scope it out, maybe I'll move there, right?

So, I'm at the airport.

I’m at the gate, my flight's delayed.

No, they had the plane there, but they were waiting on the flight crew.

So everyone's mad and they're complaining, it's just f*cking ugly, but I don't care, 'cause I’m in no hurry.

Finally, these pilots show up in their pilot uniforms with their black briefcases and as they're getting on the plane, one of them turns to us and he-- he smiles that big pilot smile.

He goes, "Ah, I'm so sorry we made you wait, folks."

And everyone grumbled, but I laughed, because he was so sweet.

And he just-- All white, perfect teeth and-- and whatever, I laughed.

And he looked over at me and...

His eyes.

He had babe eyes, they--

f*cking k*lled me.

Mmm...

So then...

That's the guy.

Yes, yep.

So he caught me at the gate in New Orleans, and we spent the whole weekend together and, uh...

And then the next week, he asked me to marry him.

And then we went to Atlanta, where he lived.

Atlanta.

Yeah.

Uh, we got married.

Then we went to Jamaica, and then I moved into his house in Atlanta.

Damn.

I know.

(exhaling)

I know, right?

Whatever, I was in love, I didn't care what I did.

I was like, this is it. Seriously, this is my life.

It's totally not any kind of trajectory that I pictured for myself.

I’m a f*cking pilot's wife. Anyway, so...

So we lived in that house for... about a week after the honeymoon, and then he took off from Montreal and--

And he never came back.

Was it a plane crash?

Why would-- No.

"Plane crash"...

He's a pilot.

No, he had a heart att*ck in a hotel.

Plane crash...

Oh, my God.

Mm-hmm, so--

(exhaling)

So that's it.

No, that's not it, 'cause I had to go to Montreal.

And I had to identify the body.

Bring it back, bury him, do the funeral.

sh*t.

Yeah.

And then, check this.

His f*cking sister.

His f*cking sister wanted to fight me over his little bit of money and I just said, "Keep it."

Just-- And then, I had coffee with his mom and I had to watch her cry in a Starbucks.

Then I came back here, so...

So I’m a widow. (chuckling)

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maggie, you must-- you must--

You must be so--

Oh, no, but I'm not.

I'm not, that's the thing.

This guy-- this guy was, like...

He was like a flying Ken doll.

No, he was perfect. Perfect.

He made me crazy in bed and he was funny and he was fun and nice, but I-- I barely knew the guy.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

(exhaling)

No, I sort of struggled to...

To feel something.

I mean, when you fall in love that quickly, and then all of a sudden that person doesn't exist...

I don't know, it kind of...

It feels like a dream, looking back on it.

And the part that sucks the most is that I’m back here and I still don't know what I want to do with my life.

Anyway....

So I’m really taking things one day at a time now.

So booty call with-- with "Hor-ay", why not?

Yeah, okay.

What's going on with you?

What?

I don't feel good, Maggie.

I don't know, it's stupid. I don't-- There's nothing--

Everything's fine.

You know, everything's okay, I just don't...

I just don’t feel good.

You need to get laid.

Yeah. Yeah.

(Maggie chuckling)

Yeah.

sh*t.

What's wrong?

No, you look-- Like, you look really sad.

And you know I can't f*ck you when you look so sad.

It's a real turn-off, Horace.

Ugh...

I'm sorry.

It's okay, I mean, it's...

I never f*cked you 'cause you're good looking.

It's 'cause you're fun.

This isn't fun.

This is not fun.

It's not fun.

sh*t.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Oh, buddy, I’m sorry.

Oh...

(Horace grunting)

Good night, Leon.

(Leon murmuring)

These f*cking glasses are getting all fogged.

We gotta get new ones.

Chairs are weak, too.

Uh, yeah, you know, Ralph's is closing.

So?

He, uh... The guy there had a heart att*ck, so they can't make their payments, so they're closing down.

Who the f*ck cares about Ralph's?

I know, but they just recently renovated and now they're closing down, so...

I figure they must have some stuff that we can use, like chairs, like we can get some chairs for cheap.

Yeah, it's good, that's a good idea.

Thank you.

Who does he got up there?

Remember Maggie?

Which one is Maggie?

She used to waitress here about a year ago.

Oh, yeah, she was nice looking.

She's up there with him?

Well, they were going at it for a while, you know, when Horace first come back to take over, after his dad d*ed.

The worst thing that ever happened to this place.

Come on, Pete. Horace isn't that bad.

He ain't his father.

No, he's not, I'll give you that, but, I mean, nobody's another person.

Yeah, well...

Everybody's just them.

That guy upstairs definitely ain't Horace.

(register clacking)

She's a nice looking girl.

What does she see in a guy like that?

I mean, I don't know, but, uh....

He said she liked it when he, uh...

What?

He said that she used to go crazy when he would, you know...

Go down on her.

Get the f*ck out of here.

I don't know, that's what he said.

That's disgusting.

What is?

Going down on somebody.

You don't do that.

What? People do that.

Women like it.

A man doesn't do that.

What is it with people your age going down on each other?

It's no good.

You're telling me you don't like a girl doing that to you?

Yeah, yeah, I like it. I don't like her.

(cash pouch zipping)

And I’m not doing it to her.

Not on your life.

You never done that?

No, I haven't.

Have you?

(scoffing)

No, tell me the truth.

All right, good, don't.

Let me tell you about these guys that-- You know.

Take this one guy, he was a boss.

And he used to tell me all the time.

"How could you put yourself beneath a woman and ever, ever expect to rise above another man?"

You know what it's like when a chick is doing that to me?

I look down at her and I think, "I don't know about you now."

You know, "I think different about you."

I mean, you look like a dummy down there going...

What kind of person does that?

I mean, finish up, but then get out.

You know? You see what I mean?

Gee, I don't know, Pete, I mean, there's a lot of thinking on that.

You know, some people would say that, you know, doing that to each other is like, selfless.

It's a-- it's a way to show love.

It's, uh, to show, you know, you're doing that for them and she's doing it for you, right?

No. No, that ain't love.

Listen to me. This is love: Love is when you hold a woman up close to you, like this.

And you look her in the face, eye to eye, and you're holding on tight, and you love her, and she loves you and you're inside of her and she starts coming and then you come.

And you're kissing her with every part of your body.

That's love. I mean, you can f*ck around with this other sh*t all you want, but I'm telling you, that's what I wait for.

Comes rare in life.

It's very rare.

But that's all there is.

I'm telling you, son.

Don't ever do that to a woman.

And she won't respect you, either.

Okay?

I'm gonna hit night deposit and then go home.

Okay, good night.

Yeah.