01x15 - Generally Inhospitable

[bunniefuu]

Ok, ladies. I Beyoncé, you're back-up.

So... back up!

More...

More.

We call it "Mustache TV." (Laughs)

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah. You see...

I put a mustache anywhere I please.

Yep.

Any old place.

And then we wait for...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Laughter)

She looks like a little pink Alex Trebek.

I know Trebek.

What is "Do you guys ever do any work around here?"

Uhh...

So, this branding guy from the network is still lurking around, okay?

He does not like when we goof off.

Which is why we make sure to double down on the goof.

(Laughs)

Uh, sorry, we'll get back to work right away, okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

(Laughter)

(Laughs sarcastically)

Peace and bless, fools.

♪ Acting up, drink in my cup I can care less what you think ♪

"Peace and bless, fools".

That was dead-on. Yeah?

Yeah? Well, I'm pretty good at mimicking voices.

I dated this parrot named Eric, and he taught me how.

Hey, do Pache again.

Yeah, yeah. Mas Paches. Mas Paches.

Come on, come on.

Peace and bless, fools.

(Laughter)

♪ I need no permission ♪
♪ Did I mention ♪
♪ Don't pay him any attention ♪
♪ 'Cause you had your turn ♪

Boy, I really do love watching Piggy dance.

You know, I've been impressed with her lately.

She committed herself to growing as a person... it really makes her shine.

♪ If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it ♪
♪ If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it ♪

Although, it could just be the sweat, uh...

She's really working it.

♪ If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Oh!

Ooh! Oh! Piggy!

Is she all right?

I'm okay, I'm okay.

Oh, gnarly.

Just gonna walk it off.

(cr*ck)

Whoa!

(Body thuds) Ow!

Oh!

(Grunts, chuckles)

Nothing a Band-Aid won't fix!

(Groaning)

Okay, come on, come on.

Places! Places, everybody.

Oh, not good. Passing out. Passing out.

♪

(Ding)

Ooh!

Yeah!

Unh!

Oh, Kermie!

Aww. It's time to get things started.

Ha ha ha!

(Groans)

Start the music again!

I'm still rehearsing.

Come on! Let's do this thing!

(Tray clatters)

Why's everybody just standing around?

Piggy! Piggy, Piggy, Piggy. Listen, you have got to go to the hospital.

Look at your leg. Look down.

No, no, no. I never look down, Kermit.

Always play to the back of the theater.

No, no, no, no, no. Deadly! Deadly!

I need some help here! Piggy, don't... don't put weight on that. Piggy, Piggy.

I've been through injuries with Piggy before.

For someone who loves attention, she's weirdly averse to medical attention.

That's from her days as a chorus girl. Check the foot.

Pretty nasty. Yeah.

What?

Passing out.

What? No. Bobo, no, no. Uh, uh, aah!

Passing out.

Oh, no, look out! Aah!

(Body thuds)

Come along now, Piggy. The hospital's not so bad.

Uh, they have those fun, kitschy vending machines.

And I'll bet they have Bugles corn chips.

Oh, like I don't have some of those in my purse.

Yeah, you got her, Deadly?

(Grunting)

Hey!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Please. Come on.

Hey, bro.

You corral the pig, and I'll take over the show.

So what she misses Willie Nelson tonight?

I got a super-fine deejay chick who can guest host.

I have her cornered! Somebody bring a butterfly net!

No, no, no, Pache. Definitely please don't do that.

Don't... don't do anything.

Okay.

I will figure out how to handle the show, okay?

Right, or I'll just do what I said before you talked.

But you...

Oh, well, I'll need this back by Friday.

I'm going to a meadow.

Hey, guys. Uh, listen, could you please keep an eye on Pache while I take Piggy to the hospital? I don't want him futzing with the show.

Okay.

Okeydoke.

Thanks, guys.

Hyah!

I got an eye on him right now.

(Laughter)

Piggy: I don't need a doctor.

Sit down in the seat here.

Just gonna get you over here.

Ooh.

It will be fine.

Piggy, look!

Grandma's Cookies.

(Chuckles) You like those.

I hate everything right now... cookies, grandmas, everything.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know.

Oh, I might have those Fig Newtons, though.

Ah, there you go.

Let me just go get some change out of the car. Be right back.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Come on. That is not going to work.

Now, look, look, look. Could you just work with me here?

I'm trying to get you fixed up and back to the show befo...

Before what?

Before Pache brings in that deejay to guest host.

Guest host?!

No!

Deadly!

You didn't tell her?!

No, I didn't tell her.

What is your job, anyway, frog?

Senior VP of Avoiding and Omitting?

Lies are toxic, Kermit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why I live a 100% transparent life.

No guest host. No, no.

Piggy. Piggy. Piggy!

No, no, no!

Focus.

No, no, no, no!

Now, come on, Piggy, will you just...

Focus!

On the encased treats just waiting to be set free.

Yeah, yeah, do that! Uh, listen, Deadly. Just look after her.

I'm gonna get you checked in, okay?

Just wait right here. Here we go. I'll be right back. There we are.

(Clears throat) Excuse me, sir.

Yeah?

I need to check in my friend.

Mm.

Piggy asked that you give her weight in stone so it's indecipherable.

Deadly, I told you to watch her. She...

Oh, no. Piggy. (Sighs)

They're coming. Crank it, grandpa!

You'll never catch me! See ya, suckers!

Step on it.

(Wheels squeaking)

Boy, I wish I knew what he was saying.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, Carl, can you use them things on the top of your head?

They look like they should be able to hear stuff real good.

They're vestigial!

(All groan)

We promised Kermit we would not let Pancho futz with the show.

Right there... that's futzing.

Yeah.

Yes, it is.

Oh, we got to get his phone. Anybody got, like, an oversized magnet?

'Cause I could hold it, I could walk by Pache, and all of his piercings would come flying out.

That would get his attention.

(Laughs)

I'm getting so anxious. I'm sweating in all of my pits.

Yeah.

Yeah, we got to get that phone.

I got this.

Where's he going? What's he doing?

Uh, excuse me.

Hey! What...

(Munching)

(Burps)

Oh.

You know what? Thank you, fur creature.

I needed an upgrade anyways. iPhone 7, here I come!

Now what?

Get him!

Get him!

(All shouting)

Hey, what are you doing?! What are you... No!

No!

(Laughter)

(Dance music plays)

Hey, what is this song? What is...

Oh, oh, I think he's getting a call!

Hey, hey, hey, turn it up. I love that song.

♪ Bow-ba-dow-dow ♪
♪ Bow-da-dow-dow ♪

Dr. Davis...

Please, stop! Have you no mercy?!

Okay, I can't take this anymore. I-I've got to go hold her hand or something.

Oh, very well.

Stop it.

Piggy?

(Grunting) Give me those lashes!

Mine! Mine!

Miss Piggy!

No one is going to see you, anyway.

You're not doing your show tonight.

I have to operate on that leg, and you can't wear makeup during surgery.

Surgery?

No show?

No makeup?!

Oh!

Hey, Swamp Thing! Let me out of here!

No, Pache! It's my job to make sure you stay in there until...

What's the plan again?

Uh...

Uh...

Uh, well, you know how sometimes we do things without thinking them through, and they turn out great?

Yeah!

Yeah, we're not sure this is one of those times.

No.

Uh...

Uh-oh.

Oh, guys, guys, that's the fifth call.

If Pache doesn't answer his phone soon, people are gonna get suspicious.

It's ringing again.

Oh, boy.

It's ringing again.

Oh, boy.

Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Are you in there?

I'm... I'm still looking!

Geez, it's like an episode of "Hoarders" in here.

Wait, wait, wait. Pull me up! Pull me up!

Okay, we're bringing you in. Bringing you in.

Come on!

Okay.

There we go!

We got him!

(Laughs)

Yo, yo. Go for Pache.

It is not a dry heat in there.

(Laughs)

(Machine beeping)

Uh, so, I just got off the phone with the network, and no matter what I said, they won't air a rerun.

Oh, so they decided to go with my idea of a slide show of Miss Piggy hairstyles through the decades, hmm?

Uh, well...

Look, Piggy.

I'm just gonna be straight with you, okay?

And, uh, you'll probably get really, really mad and throw stuff, so I-I'm just gonna do it from over here.

Um... they're gonna go ahead and use Pache's deejay guest host.

This is a nightmare!

Aah! I-I know, I know.

How come there's no box of tissues hitting the blinds?

(Sobs)

Aw, Piggy.

You know, i-i-it's only one show.

It's more than that.

Kermie, I grew up on a farm.

When one of us broke a leg, they were taken away and never came back.

Ooh.

My mom would tell me not to be sad, that I'd see them again.

And I did.

In the butcher shop window, at a Cuban barbecue, in the treat bin at the pet store.

Oh, Piggy, that... that's so... gross.

That must be really hard for you.

What's happening to me is the Hollywood version of that.

You come up lame and miss one show, and the next thing you know, you're signing autographs next to some guy who used to play a 2,000-year-old wizard but now he's too old.

You know what? You're doing your show tonight, and we'll do it from right here.

Really, Kermie?

Yeah!

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! Thank you!

That's everything!

Listen, Piggy, if anybody can host from a hospital bed, it's you!

It's gonna be a great stunt!

Yeah.

Look, I'm gonna go call the guys and get the crew over here to start setting up, okay?

Okay. All good.

Kermit.

Oh, what's all good?

Deadly, we're sh**ting the show from here tonight!

Oh, tremendous!

Yeah.

See, Piggy, no one's getting hamstrung just because of a little old broken bone.

No, they aren't. Let's celebrate, shall we?

I'll ring for some champagne.

Whoa!

Oh!

Can we get a nurse in here?!

(Screaming) Or someone familiar with charcuterie.

It's happening!

Well, since you're waiting, I made you some snacks.

Ants on a log?

They're yummy.

Good boy.

Go on.

So, we've got some time.

Um, why don't you tell me about yourself?

What were you like as a kid?

Friggin' awesome.

Chubby.

Believe it or not, I used to be big, too.

You're welcome. Peace and bless.

(Laughter)

Guys, that was Pepsi.

I just changed the color of every Pepsi can in the world to match my hair clip.

(Laughter)

With the cellphone, we have a lot of power.

Oh, yeah.

Now I'm making him propose to three girls, including "Heather, Blonde from Kansas or Something."

(Laughter)

(Dance music ringtone plays)

Who's that?

It's Kermit.

Answer it, answer it.

(As Pache) What it do, shorty? It's Pache.

Hey, Pache, we're gonna do the show from the hospital, so you can just cancel the deejay.

Dope. Your staff is b*mb, B-T-Dubs.

They all deserve raises.

Oh!

And I started some new hair-loss meds that are making me hallucinate, so if I tell you I was held against my will, don't believe me.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Bye.

Oh, boy.

(Laughter)

Ugh.

These are the extra long ones, right?

Yes, dear.

Okay.

Okay, see you in 10.

Oh, good! Rowlf, you're here! Oh, I am so happy you agreed to come!

Well, no one was more surprised than me to hear that you wanted to do one of our old sketches on tonight's show.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Uh, where's hair and makeup?

Oh, it's like here and here.

(Laughs)

Good to be back.

Yeah.

And I can, like, wander around the hospital and curl up next to patients nearing death like that psychic cat.

O... kay.

All right, I got everything here we need to manage the segment.

Oh, and Fozzie's all set up back at the studio.

Oh, good. You know something, Scooter?

I think this is really gonna be a great show.

Wait a minute. I'm getting feedback.

Man, Piggy's monitor is making a lot of noise.

Oh, I'll call the nurse. I think it's this one.

Wait, Piggy, no, no, no. That's not the call button.

Yes, it is.

We're on in 5, 4, 3...

No, that's your morphine drip!

... 2...

Uh-oh.

And now, here's Miss Piggy!

(Cheers and applause)

Hello, hello!

Hello, America! You're not dreaming.

You are in bed with me!

(Laughter)

Tonight is going to be a very special show, because earlier today, I broke my leg in a heroic dancing accident.

But I am a trouper, and King Tut and Jolly Green Giant, am I right?

(Laughs)

Whee!

Why is Piggy talking like my aunt who lives in a pay-by-the-hour motel?!

Cut to Fozzie. I'm gonna get that clicker.

Up next, I'm being told...

Stretch.

... this.

(Laughter)

And this.

(Laughter)

I'm painting my face and it feels amazing, Captain Unicorn!

Let go of the morphine! Ooh!

(Clatter)

Ohh.

(Laughs) Pache just bought the office flowers of the month club.

(Gasps) Ooh, if we get apdragons, I call dibs.

They look like my face, look.

You see it? I'm gonna keep doing this till you see it.

Here, watch. Ahhhhh.

Stop it.

Stop it.

I'm a snapdragon. Roar.

You are not.

Hey, hey, hey, bad news, guys.

What?

I just got off the phone with my cousin who's a cop.

He says that what we're doing could be considered kidnapping.

I think we've got to let Pache go.

No, no, no, no. If we let him go, he will tell everyone, and we'll all get fired.

Yeah.

No, wait, wait. Maybe Pache won't say anything.

He's not such a bad guy.

What?

What are you talking about?

Let me out of here right now!

Nah.

Look, he just had a really difficult relationship with his father.

He never told Pache "I love you." Hmm?

No wonder they haven't talked in years.

Wow.

Wow.

Oh, yeah. We went there.

Hm.

Well, if Pancho and his poppy don't talk anymore...

Yeah?

... that might work to our advantage, okay?

Oh.

Ooh.

I think I have an idea.

I've got lots of ideas!

For this situation?

Oh.

Nah.

For "Shark t*nk."

(Cheers and applause)

♪ Burr be dicke burr ♪
♪ Burr dicke bum ♪
♪ Burr dicke dee ♪
♪ Vurm be dinke vurm dicke vurr ♪

(Laughs)

(Meeping)

Here at "Up Late," the Swedish Chef and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew have been experimenting with something new called molecular gastronomy.

Hmm.

De vurde freezy.

De vurde foamin.

Now, molecular gastronomy investigates the physical and chemical transformations that occur in cooking.

Mm. De vurde fursty muu-muu-buu.

Exactly. I'm making meatball ice cream by using liquid nitrogen to flash-freeze the meatball.

I'm speeding up the process by adding three times the usual amount of volatile chemicals.

(Audience "Oohs")

Mm.

Okay, that's weird.

All right, Beakey. Here we go.

(Panicking)

Open wide!

(Laughter)

(Trembling)

Whoa-a-a-a-a!

(Audience gasps)

Well, this is why I don't eat solids anymore.

Speaking of which, I brought a pork chop.

Oh.

(Laughs)

Let's check in with Miss Piggy.

(Applause)

Thank you, Fizzie.

And next, this favorite sketch been done hasn't time so long.

(Laughter)

Cut to Deadly.

And now, the long-awaited return of "Veterinarian's Hospital," the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.

Me!

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Oh, don't worry. I won't bite.

Unless you come at me with a rolled-up newspaper.

(Laughter)

Just here to check your reflexes!

Oh, hell no, not with that thing!

Reflexes seem fine!

(Laughter)

Hey, Nurse, that's not the right instrument.

Well, what is the right instrument?

This is the right instrument.

What's happening?

Someone help! I need help!

(Humming)

Hey, Kermit, we're trending on Twitter. People are loving the show.

#rowlfisback. #piginahospitalblanket.

Wow, Scooter. This is really working.

Mm-hmm.

And now a man kind enough to visit even though they wouldn't validate his parking.

Please welcome Mr. Willie Nelson!

(Cheers and applause)

Hi, Piggy. Looks like you could use a little cheering up, darling.

Now, Willie, I think we're both happy enough.

But I'd love a song.

You got it.

(Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again" plays)

♪ On the road again ♪
♪ Just can't wait to get on the road again ♪
♪ The life I love is makin' music with my friends ♪
♪ And I can't wait to get on the road again ♪
♪ On the road again ♪
♪ Goin' places that I've never been ♪

Yeah!

♪ Seein' things that I may never see again ♪
♪ I can't wait to get on the road again ♪
♪ On the road again ♪
♪ Like a band of gypsies, we go down the highway ♪
♪ We're the best of friends ♪
♪ Insisting that the world keep turning our way ♪
♪ And our way ♪
♪ Is on the road again ♪

Yeah.

♪ Just can't wait to get on the road again ♪

We're right behind you, Willie!

♪ The life I love is makin' music with my friends ♪
♪ And I can't wait to get on the road again ♪

Yeah!

(Cheers and applause)

Willie! Willie!

Ladies and gentlemen, Nillie Welson!

Aah!

(Body thuds)

(Gasps)

(Coughs)

Okay, okay, okay. We have decided to set you free, Pancho.

Ah, ba-ba-ba, jub-jub-jub-jub!

Before you try to put us in the jails, somebody wants to talk to you.

Yeah.

(As Pache) Oh, man, that's so good to hear, Daddy-o.

What is happening?

It's your dad!

Yeah.

Papa?

(Gasps) I love you, too, Papa.

Well, I don't know why we never said it earlier.

I mean, you're the adult, so I was just... Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Okay. I'll see you soon.

I don't know what to say. My papa, he wants me to go home and run the family sporting-goods business.

Wow! That's...

Oh!

Which is really everything I ever wanted.

Aw.

I know, brother. I know.

(Laughs)

Oh. I got to go home.

(Normal voice) Wow, gee. How long you gonna be gone for?

Yeah.

As long as it takes.

Oh, that's great!

That's wonderful family values.

I mean, it's wonderful.

Thank you, creatures, for this priceless gift.

You're welcome.

Peace and bless.

Peace and bless.

Yeah, yeah.

Huh.

(Dance music ringtone plays)

Ah!

Whoo!

(Laughs)

Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, no, no, no!

(Munching)

Kermit?

Yeah?

I can't thank you enough for making all this happen tonight.

Aww. Well, I just made some calls, Piggy. You made it happen.

Aw.

Mm-hmm.

Miss Piggy, we're ready to get you into surgery.

But first, I need verbal confirmation that you understand the risks of general anesthesia.

I understand.

Just in case, though...

Mm-hmm.

I love you, Kermit.

Oh, I love you, too, Piggy.

Did you hear that?

Did he just say "I love you"?

Hey, guys. That camera's still on.

And just in case, I love you, hand sanitizer dispenser thingy.

And you, too, Space Cowboy and Giant Talking Giraffe.

I love her.

(All gasping)

♪ And I patched up your broken wing ♪
♪ And hung around a while ♪
♪ Trying to keep your spirits up ♪
♪ And your fever down ♪

Ow.