01x08 - Viva la Joy

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

Uh, as you know, we've been studying American History, and that's why I'm so proud to introduce you to a very special and patriotic guest--

Why are you talking from the other room?

[drum roll noises]

Not a real drum.

The 35th President, John F. Kennedy! [echoing] Kennedy! Kennedy!

[as JFK] Hello, Gene.

I'm here to tell you all about a very tumultuous time in our country's history, the 1960s.

Didn't you get sh*t in the head?

That's right. Very impressive, Gene.

I did get sh*t in the head.

But how do you know that?

What do you mean? I--

'Cause your brain bits would be all over your lap and stuff.

I read the paper the next day, and I saw that I--

Oh, so you're a ghost that reads?

No, I... no, I--

Oh, you're Kevin Costner? Playing JFK?

He played a detective--

Oh, I never saw it.

That was researching the assassination.

I never watched it. It looked boring.

How do you not know anything about anything, but you know everything about JFK?

So you are Billie!

I called it.

No, I--

I knew it when you walked in.

I was like, "That's Billie."

I had a whole thing planned, and I would do my--was working on my accent.

Yeah, it's good. It's a horrible accent.

No--

Keep doing it.

Okay, um, "But because of that conflict" --

Are you saying "corn-flict?"

Conflict.

Oh, conflict.

"And upheaval."

Upheaval.

"Of the time, we are now closer than ever to being an equal opportunity society."

If we're an equal opportunity society, why haven't I been served my lemonade yet?

Hmm? Think about that.

♪ We're too gangsta for TV

♪ That's why you don't see us ♪
♪ But they still wanna be us ♪

Ha ha!

Ugh, too mushy.

Too hard.

Oh, just right.

That's good.

You just said that one was good.

Yeah, I don't care for peaches personally.

Gene, you're being a brat.

You're just making a mess for Joy to clean up.

Joy doesn't clean those up. Do you, Joy?

Sí.

See?

"Sí" means yes.

You're a saint, by the way, Joy, to put up with this.

Kiss-ass.

Right?

You totally deserve a raise for putting up with that.

You were just throwing peaches on the ground.

Oh my god, you're obsessed with the peaches right now.

Okay? We've moved on to Joy.

Selfish.

Uh-huh.

You do deserve a raise, though. I agree.

Mr. Russell doesn't give raises.

I do get to keep Gene's hand-me-downs.

Okay, I'm sorry, that's crazy that you've never gotten a raise.

Yeah, she's right.

You need to get you some paper, son.

You know what? Go in, make your case.

He'll go for it.

Oh, I know what you should do.

She's gotta "Shark t*nk" it.

Mm-hmm.

What is Sharks--

"Shark t*nk" it!

Okay!

"Hi, Mark Cuban, can I have some money?"

That's such a good impression, "Shark t*nk" it!

[speaking Japanese]

Oh. Hey, Joy.

I don't think the trash is too full, but I am glad you are here.

I want to talk to you about the menu for the big dinner party this weekend.

Mr. Kent.

Hmm.

I've been with this family for a very long time now.

And I do whatever is asked of me.

That's why I'm here to ask for a 10% raise in a 100% stake for the rest of my job.

What's happening right now?

Are you "Shark Tanking" me?

I can't take anything less than 10%.

You are "Shark Tanking" me.

Joy, you know I don't give raises, and yet here you are asking for one.

And for that reason...

I'm out.

What do you mean?

I saw this cool movie last night.

Yeah.

Have you seen "Forrest Gump?"

Everyone's seen "Forrest Gump."

I don't think so.

What do you think "Run, Forrest" --

Joy, what's wrong?

I listened to your stupid advice and I got fired.

He fired you.

[scoffs]

Who's gonna brush my hair?

Gene!

I'm so sorry, Joy, I feel like this is partially my fault.

Partially?

This is all your fault.

You think you're so smart because of your books and your degrees and your maxi pad you left in your underwear that I had to throw out before I washed them?

I can assure you, I did not know about the last thing until now.

Goodbye, ladies.

[door slams]

I feel so bad.

You should feel bad.

That's [bleep] disgusting. I mean, I'm grossed out. Me.

About Joy.

Oh, right.

I can't believe he fired her. I mean, you can't just throw people away like trash.

Yeah, you should leave 'em in your underwear for the maid to find.

Hey, Joy. Um, it's me.

Your phone's doing that thing where it rings once and goes right to voice-mail--which is cool.

Totally cool. I wanted to say how much I really hate you--

Message complete.

Not being here!

I hate you not being here! [groans]

God.

Oh, Billie.

Yikes, first you get her fired, now you're leaving her hate messages?

I didn't get her fired. Your dad is being ridiculous.

Well, we were a part of that too.

Damn it.

No--no, no!

How am I supposed to eat with no Joy?

That's it.

What?

That's it! We'll go on a hunger strike.

Huh? Action through peaceful protest, like our brothers and sisters of the '60s, baby!

Yes, I am so in. [laughs]

Yeah.

Whoo!

Except, I believe it's called a "hunger stroke."

It isn't.

You wanna look it up?

You're still eating.

Oh, right.

Spit it out.

Don't put that in your mouth.

Oh, my gosh, Joy's back!

I never looked away.

Well, say what you will about Joy, but she made a mean eggplant.

You can't plant eggs.

[clears throat]

Well, you probably noticed that Gene and I aren't eating, and I'm sure you're wondering why.

I actually hadn't.

We're on hunger strike.

Not a hunger stroke, though it's totally normal if you thought it was called that.

And we're not going to eat until you hire Joy back.

Gene's eating right now.

I need it, I need it!

Look ladies, do you know why a shark has no memory?

Bad childhood?

No.

A true predator never looks back.

I don't know if that's factual.

Word is "actual."

You can even not eat as much as you like, but I'm not budging. How does that strike you?

It strikes me like lightning.

As in, never.

Which is how much I'm gonna eat, and this one's gonna eat, until Joy gets back in here.

Using her maid legs!

Get him, Billie!

And... that's a... fact.

Oh, Billie, you're awful at this.

Hope for domestic rights!

Hope for domestic workers!

Hope for freedom--

Stop yelling!

Who are you talking to?

Sorry, I'm just cranky 'cause this protest sucks.

There's no people here but us and New Chet.

Yeah, man, and this sign stick is giving me hella splinters.

You guys, don't worry. This is how all movements start.

Plus, I called my old college buddies from Baked Earth.

They will make it happen.

Your buddies sound like hippies. I hate hippies.

They are a conscious collective of peace warriors.

[car door closes]

Oh--oh, great.

Here comes another protestor.

See? It's already working.

Oh, and she went all out, wearing a sexy maid's uniform.

Ah!

Stop it.

Hello, I'm the new maid, Hope.

Maid?

Drop--drop, drop!

What?

What do we do?

Come on, lock paws.

Form a wall of resistance.

Hey, hey.

Baby girl, you want to get in there?

You gots to get by us.

Yeah.

Yeah, and we're gonna eat your ass Uh-uh.

b*at your ass!

I'm sorry, I haven't eaten. It's very difficult for me.

I could make you something.

Oh, yeah--

She doesn't want it.

I would love a grilled cheese.

Or like--

w*r on hunger--

Oh, there you are. Come on in.

Big dinner party tonight. Lots of things to do.

Excuse me.

Just because you hired someone knew does not mean you will break our spirit, Mr. Russell.

Gene's eating again.

Don't!

Scab!

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, yeah, sure. What's on your mind?

[gags] No!

Hey. Look at me.

Huh.

I don't know where this came from--

My pocket.

But you do not throw food or b*at ass in a non-violent movement.

v*olence is not the answer.

v*olence is always the answer!

Always!

Okay, I--look, I am just gonna go talk to her, tell her whazzup.

What? Why are you saying that to me?

Oh, like "What's going on," I didn't mean to, like, do it, like...

Billie, Wha--once she sees what we're doing--

Mm-hmm.

She will stand in solidarity with us.

Hey, give me some ski--

She's the most r*cist person I know.

Oh, is that fajitas?

Yeah, you want some? You look hungry.

I--I am, but I can't.

That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.

You see, Gene--

The one who threw the pizza at me?

Yeah, sorry about that.

[laughs] She's like, a child.

[both laugh]

Um, the thing is, the last maid got fired.

Oh.

And it was, like, totally unjustified, so we're actually not eating until Kent hires her back again.

So, it would actually really help us out if you would just, like, quit.

Are you crazy?

Leave.

Why don't you quit?

Oh, me?

No, no, what I do is a lot more specialized.

Not that you're not special.

I mean, I think you're probably really special.

Not in a like, "Oh, she's so special, get her a slice of cake" sort of way, I don't know, you know what I mean.

[speaks Spanish]

Did you just call me a-- a "white puta?"

No.

All right, good first talk.

Yeah.

Hopefully the first of many.

Hope!

What a lot of people don't know, though, is Malcolm X started the Black Panthers because he was a "Pink Panther" fan.

Oh, really.

Yeah.

Who doesn't love Peter O'Toole?

Why doesn't this work?

Where'd you get that Kn*fe?

Sponcer's Gifts?

Hmm.

Gene!

Oh, what? I didn't...

How'd it go?

She's not quitting.

Oh. Okay, well, then, let's do this, you know?

Come on, don't give up.

We're not doing the peaceful protest crap anymore, Billie, okay?

It didn't work! My dad doesn't care.

So unless you have a better idea, viva la pizza.

Is it good?

So good. You should taste how it tastes.

Oh, [bleep], hippies. New Chet, get the crossbow.

Oh, no, no, no. They're not hippies.

They're from Baked Earth. They're here to help.

Hi, thank you for your presence.

Namaste.

These are some ugly-ass chicks.

[drum circle music]

♪

Hi, everyone. Thank you all for coming to this peaceful demonstration for our sister Joy.

We need to educate people about workers' rights for a fair wage.

We can't hear you!

Yeah!

Uh, human megaphone everybody!

Really? It's pretty quiet out.

All: Really? It's pretty quiet out!

Seriously, I'm pretty sure you can all hear me just fine.

All: Seriously, I'm pretty sure you can all hear me just fine.

Logically, if you're repeating everything I say, you can hear me.

All: Logically, if you're repeating everything I say, you can hear me.

Oh, I'm from England!

all: Oh, I'm from England!

This is so stupid. I hate these people.

All: This is so stupid. I hate these people.

Ow, you're hurting my arm--

Quit being such a baby!

This is a disaster.

Those people out there smell like BO and cashews!

I love cashews. They're the elite nut.

Listen to me. I get it now.

Joy is a real person. She deserves a real protest.

But those people out there--those hippies?

They don't care about getting Joy back.

I heard one of them go, "Who's Joy?"

That's how they talk, Billie! That's how they talk naturally.

Those people are just here to crash between Phish concerts.

What the hell's a fish concert?

Like, a bunch of fish playing instruments?

Is that really your first guess?

No, you're right. That's crazy.

It's gotta be, like, a bunch of people using fish to play instruments. Yum.

Yum, fish! I'm Billie!

That's all I think about, is food.

Look at me! Ahh!

That's 'cause I'm actually doing the hunger strike.

Me, too! What do you think I'm doing?

Do you know how many calories I've had today?

How many?

5,000!

Who are you, Michael Phelps? Gross.

I need to eat. I'm growing, Billie.

No, you're not growing.

Yes, I am!

I hope you have nightmares. Indian nightmares.

Oh, no, no! Oh!

- Attention!

Attention, circus folk.

Your head's a tennis ball.

What?

You are all trespassing, and my lawn smells like dirty cashews.

I told you.

Mr. Russell, we're not going anywhere until you hire Joy back.

What do we want?

Free O.J. Simpson!

When do we want it?

all: Now!

My dinner guests are going to be arriving soon.

I don't want them accosted by a bunch of shower-phobic vegans.

You can end this whenever you want, Mr. Russell.

You just have to do the right thing.

Have it your way.

[Connie Conway's "Brighter Side" plays]

[in slo-mo] No!

♪
♪ There's a brighter side ♪
♪ To every dark, dark cloud ♪
♪ And there's a smiling face ♪
♪ In every crowd ♪
♪ There's a brighter ♪
♪ Brighter side ♪

[dramatic music]

♪

What's the password?

The password?

You got it.

The password is "password"?

Yeah, but see the S's are fives.

Welcome to the revolution.

[overlapping chatter]

[electronics beeping]

She's here.

Oh. Hey, Billie.

You've awakened.

What is going on?

Your tactics didn't work. You lost.

The only thing my dad responds to... is strength.

It's time to fight fire with flamier fire.

Gene, I don't know what you're planning to do, but I know it is a bad idea.

You know, my bad idea was letting you be in charge in the first place.

You were never willing to do what it takes.

You were never willing to go all the way.

You thought a hunger strike was called a "hunger stroke."

Yeah, and we may never know who was right on that one.

It's me. I'm 100%.

Well, perhaps.

It's that arrogance that makes you such a weak leader.

This is crazy. Joy would not want any of this.

Why don't you let Joy tell you what Joy wants?

Who else is in this room?

Gene's plan might be crazy enough to work... white puta.

I'm sorry...

I haven't eaten in 36 hours.

Did you just call me a white puta?

No. I said viva la revolución, white puta.

You definitely said it that time.

Yeah, time you did.

I did.

What are you planning to do?

Let's just say tonight's turkey is gonna be da b*mb.

[laughs]

[all laughing]

No. No!

This is a non-violent movement!

Make love, not w*r!

The five dollar foot long!

Hey, everyone, stop.

What?

I-I don't know.

I'm feeling a little lightheaded.

I--uh-oh.

I think I'm gonna pass out again.

Billie, you're fine.

I'm passing out.

[echoes]

That would be, like, a bunch of people using fish to play instruments.

Is that fajitas? I haven't eaten in 36 hours.

"Yum, fish!" There's gonna be meat.

So, unless you have a better idea, viva la pizza.

Imagine all the pizza. Imagine.

Konichiwa.

What's going on? Gene, what are you doing?

You were never willing to go all the way.

Words.

[laughter]

The S's are fives!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

You understand it?

It's a g*n. For v*olence.

No.

[all speaking at once].

What are you going to do?

Let's just say the turkey's gonna be the b*mb.

The turkey will be the b*mb. The turkey will be the b*mb.

The turkey will be--

[gasps]

The turkey's a b*mb!

And to Mr. Sasaki for coming all the way from Kyoto.

[chuckles]

Cheers.

I have a very important message I want to share with you for the future.

You're all gonna die!

Jesus Christ, Billie.

What's this about?

Get out! Get out!

This thing's gonna blow! Oh oh oh!

[groans]

That's so good. It's so moist.

Billie, what the hell are you doing?

You.

You wouldn't listen. You radicalized Gene.

Because you're so hard-headed, Gene put a b*mb in the turkey!

Where?

Huh?

Where's the b*mb?

You've almost eaten the entire thing.

Billie, what are you doing?

I thought you put a b*mb in the turkey.

Are you crazy?

You thought I was gonna, what?

k*ll all these people and blow up my own house?

'Cause you said-- you said the turkey's gonna be "da b*mb."

It's an expression from the '90s.

I snuck in Joy to do the cooking tonight.

I figured, dad, if you tasted her food maybe you'd remember why we love her so much.

Aww.

I know, I'm a sweetheart.

What--I ruined everything?

Pretty much.

[crying]

What is that? Crying?

Or is that a cat trying to breath in outer space?

Or like a ghost that's trying too hard to be spooky?

We get it! We all get it!

Look, I am sorry, but I am not changing my mind on this one.

I'll make you an offer, Joy.

I've sat here. I've eaten your appetizers.

And guess what? I like what I taste.

How'd you like to come work for me?

I'll give you 10% more than you were making here.

Well, of course--

Not so fast.

I'm in love... and her name is Joy.

I want to add you to my portfolio of home care professionals. 20% raise... and three nights a week off.

Yeah, I'm sure she'll love cleaning up after your three toddlers and two mistresses, Charles.

Leave Susan and Bunny out.

This is business.

Join the Spielvogel clan, Joy.

What do you say?

[suspenseful music]

[whispers]

Both offers are great, but--

Let me sweeten the pot.

I'm all-in on the Joy business.

I'll give you 30% more than you're making now, plus first right of refusal on all leftovers.

Sasaki goes through staff like they're paper towels.

All the offers are on the table.

What's your decision?

Can we have a moment to step outside to think about our decision?

C-can we just work out--

Wait!

I want back in.

Joy, I will double your pay.

That's 100% raise, but more than money, I'll throw in something you really deserve: an apology.

I'm sorry, Joy. I never should have let you go.

I made a mistake. Please come back.

♪

Mr. Russell... you've got a deal.

Yes!

Nobody out "Shark Tanks" Kent Russell.

We've got our Joy back.

Oh, Billie.

Ew.

Oh, did you--

Eat the whole thing?

I ate it all. I ate the meat.

[crying]

I ate the guts!

Ew.

I ate it's ass!

Ugh.

Don't touch me. Don't touch me.

Do you have another one?

I love you so much.

Don't touch me.

Do you have another one?

Well, the last few days have been crazy.

It got nutty.

You thought I was gonna m*rder my entire family.

That's what happens when your body starts eating its own tissue.

[both laugh]

I learned a lot, though.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

I learned that you really can send a message with your actions.

Mm.

I learned that if you want to fight for the little guy, you become--

[screaming]

Right.

I forgot to untie Hope.

I tied her up in the panic room.

What do you think JFK's doing right now?

[as JFK] I don't want to talk about it.

[both laugh]