01x04 - Easter in Bakersfield

[bunniefuu]

♪ Down in Chicago ♪
♪ but with you, dear ♪
♪I'll swing anywhere ♪

[Slurred] Drink up, Baskets. It's almost Easter.

What is this?

They call it Bunny Juice.

I'll tell you, there ain't nothing like Easter Eve and a tall glass of bunny juice to make a feller...

Feel like a man.

[Creak, static]

Penelope: This is like some new karaoke.

Baskets!

If you're too big a p*ssy, you won't catch any bunnies.

Hee hee hee hee!

♪ ...that she just can't touch ♪
♪ if at any time he's in a jam ♪
♪ she'll be by his side ♪
♪ just doesn't realize he hurt her so much ♪

Listen to me.

♪ Don't go chasing waterfall ♪
♪ please stick to the river ♪
♪ and the lake that you used to ♪

[Snoring]

[Door opens]

[Beeping]

[Treadmill starts]

Chip.

Come on, Chip.

[Snoring]

Chip.

What!

Easter Sunday, Chip. We're going to church.

What? I'm not going to church.

You're going to church.

Now hurry up. I don't want to be late.

It's embarrassing.

Oh, Mom, wear panties next time.

Life is a juggling act, but don't clown around about your career.

Come on down to Baskets career college, or follow us online... Socially online.

Not only am I the Dean... Well, you know the rest.

I'm also the janitor.

♪♪

Man: Bienvenue.

Hello, and welcome to Conversational French, the language of love.

So, um, let's get started.

Bonjour. Of course you know that one.

Bonjour is hello.

Mom: Chip.

Yeah You're not wearing that to church.

What's wrong with it?

You look like a gypsy on the way to some gypsy dance.

It's Easter Sunday.

Is that what you're wearing?

Yes. Do you like it?

♪♪ [Drum roll]

No. No. No. No.

Ohh. No. No.

Ah. Here you go.

Oh, you were big back then.

I'm not wearing this.

Yes, you're wearing it.

I'll see you in the car.

[Man singing]

♪♪ [Rock 'n' roll]

♪♪ [Classical Neil Diamos "Easter in Bakersfield".

Can you believe this?

It's a spring classic.

Uh...

♪Owl when it's cold... ♪

♪♪ [classical violin]

You know, you should not distract the driver.

♪ Easter in Bakersfield ♪
♪♪ [classical violin]

[Sigh]

♪ Bakersfield... ♪
♪♪ [classical violin]

♪♪ ["Easter in Bakersfield"]

Stop! Mom! Drive! Ow!

My head's stuck.

[Pop]

Gosh!

You know, I'll pull this car over, and I'll spank you.

How would you like that on Easter Sunday?

♪ And now it's time to kneel ♪
♪ in Bakersfield ♪

Be careful, Mom. Careful.

I am. I am.

You're a little late today.

I'm very sorry.

Well, that happens with you.

Sorry.

Oh, Chip, can you pop in the back?

Hey, memaw. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Memaw gets car sickie.

Okay.

Oh, don't tell him that.

Well, you do.

Remember the time...

Let me in.

Let me in.

Ohh!

Okay.

Ooh.

That's Chip.

He's in the back.

Hey.

Is that the one that runs the college?

No, no. The other one.

Oh. Um...

He's got a...

How are you, dearie?

Hi, Memaw.

He's got a brand-new part-time job.

Oh, wonderful. What is it?

Tell her about it, Chip.

Um, I'm a... I'm a clown.

What? You're a clown?

Good. Yay.

Ohh, let's go.

[Bell tolls]

[Tires screech]

♪♪ [Organ]

♪ Jesus Christ is risen today ♪
♪ alleluia ♪
♪ our triumphant Scooby Doo ♪
♪ a-a-a-a-a-a-le-uia-uia ♪
♪ who did once upon a cross ♪

[Humming]

Mom, Mom, I've got to pee.

Can I go pee?

♪♪ [Garbled lyrics]

♪ The lord is Ne... ♪

Fumer is to smoke.

Fumer, as in fumes.

Do you have a lighter, miss?

Avez vous du feu, Mademoiselle ?

If you wanna say I daydream.

You will say Je révasse I daydream

Man: Sir.

[Knocking]

You're going to have to move your car.

This is church parking only.

Yeah, I'm in church.

No, you're in a car.

And it's a smoke-free zone anyway.

I'm in the middle of something, okay?

Can you just give me a minute?

If you don't move your car, I'm going to have it towed.

I'm going to have you towed.

I'm serious, sir. I'll have you towed.

I promise.

Good. Get it towed.

I'm having it towed. I will.

Okay. I said fine.

It doesn't matter?

[Clap]

Pastor: Look for Jesus.

Hey, Mom.

He's right there.

Mom. [Whistle]

Think about the feeling... [Whistle] of looking for Jesus... [Clap] as you're outside hunting for your eggs today.

[Whisper] They're towing your car.

And when you find an egg, do not think "an egg."

Yo, Mom.

[Whistle]

Think of the chocolate inside...

They're towing your car.

That represents Jesus, so think of Jesus.

Mother!

What is Easter?

[Light switch clicking]

And how do we celebrate it?

Mom!

With colored eggs hidden by a giant bunny.

Mom. Mom.

Chip, just leave.

Just leave.

Hey, if I want something out of your mouth, I'll ask it, okay?

[Mouthing]

Get out of here.

Sorry.

I'm trying to do some worship here.

Go ahead, pastor.

Think about...

Christine Baskets, you're being paged.

Let me just... I lost my place a bit.

Christine Baskets...

Pastor: Sorry. Jesus, egg, da da da da da da, chocolate... Yeah. Okay. I'm back.

What the hell is going on over here?

Mom, your car is being towed.

Jesus Criminy.

Can one more thing happen today?

Here. This is for the collection plate.

Pastor: And we found a man crucified on a cross.

He gave his body for our sins.

Chip. Chip Baskets.

Hey.

I noticed you earlier.

Yes, your honor.

I was actually hoping to see you.

Your mother tells me you've been struggling.

What? That's not true. No.

You know, the adopted twins are doing quite well.

Oh!

Mm-hmm.

What is it they do again?

Deejays, very successful.

Flew first class last year.

Ohh. And how's Chip?

Oh, Chippie, he's a trouper.

We love him.

He's a free spirit, you know.

Oh, yeah, yeah. My Dana said she saw him chasing a bull down at the rodeo.

[Laughing]

Dana.

Yeah.

I think I saw her at K-Mart methed out of her gourd.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

No. Well, Dana did have a problem with prescription medication, but she is just fine now.

Oh, well, that's good because I felt bad for you.

Maybe it's the way she's wearing her hair.

I got one.

Errer: To wander.

J'erre sans but.

I wander aimlessly about.

Je déteste ici.

I hate it here.

"Je déteste" is "I detest."

"Ici" is a very small word... Is "here."

So je déteste ici: I hate it here.

Paris me fait vivre.

Paris makes me feel alive.

Boy: You're funny, man.

Oh, you know me?

Yes she knew, you're funny!

Do something funny!

Well okay.

Always nice to meet a fan.

Um, hold this for a second.

Oh. Well, okay.

Can I use one of your pink eggs there?

Thank you. Let me see what we've got here.

Oh. A little candy.

[Laughing]

Hey, Dad, look.

It's the funny man from the college commercials.

Y-yeah, I'm Dale Baskets.

[Laughing]

[Plastic egg clatters]

Now only am I a student, I'm the Dean, and I'm a weirdo!

I only like to hang out with children.

So if you've got a kid, bring him over because I'd love to hang out with him because my name is Dale Baskets!

Loves kids. Loves hanging out with kids.

Chip. What's gotten into you today?

Get in the car.

We're going to miss the brunch.

Brunch? I don't want to go to a brunch.

Yeah, we can't go to brunch.

We have to go to Nicole's Filipino church.

It's catholic. It is a catholic church.

See ya. Wouldn't want to be ya.

Catholic church.

Get in the car.

Do we have to go?

Listen, I have never missed an Easter brunch at the casino, and today we're not going to start.

Oh, this is nice.

All right, someone will be right over to get your drink orders.

Thank you so much.

Feel free to hit the buffet any time.

Oh, I will.

Okay.

Oh, let's see.

Oh, hello.

Look. Almost got it.

Happy Easter. Glad we could all get together.

If you can take it.

Chip.

Memaw: Now, Chip.

Martha, isn't that?

Martha. Isn't that Martha?

Yeah. But, Mom...

Martha!

Mom, shh.

Hi, Mrs. Baskets.

Hi.

Hi, Chip.

Is this your family?

Yes.

Hi.

I'm Christine Baskets.

What was that?

Christine Baskets.

Oh, hello.

Hello. This is my mother Esther.

Happy Halloween.

Uh-huh.

What did she say?

Uh, nothing. And this is my son Chip.

Hi, Chip.

Hi, Chip.

Hello Martha's parents Yes, Martha's parents!

He has been sniffing around your mother for quite some time!

Mother: Who is this woman?

I don't know.

Huh?

She's, uh, my friend's mother.

Mm-hmm. We should sit with you.

No.

No, we're here.

We're good.

We should sit together.

Don't you love this idea?

Yeah.

We're practically related.

That's a bad idea.

It'll be fun.

It's Easter.

If we could just move it... Martha, help out a little.

Okay. Sorry.

Geez.

Mom, want me to help you with that?

We're new friends, and we'll get to know each other.

Father: Oh, god!

Martha: Dad, get up.

Are these weighted?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh. You're right.

Would it k*ll you to stand up, Mr. Brooks?

I can't do this!

Okay, Mother.

Sorry Mom.

I can't do this...

Okay.

Chip, I think you should sit here.

Okay.

[Whisper] Next to Martha.

[Sigh]

Thank you, Chip.

Isn't he polite? He's my favorite.

Don't tell the others. Ha ha ha!

Oh. Can we get some water? Uhh.

I can get you a cheese omelet or a ham omelet.

Probably some bacon in that.

I can get you huevos rancheros.

That'll be cool.

That sounds good.

All right.

I like your ponytail.

My sister has a ponytail.

Does she?

Yeah.

I was thinking about getting one, but I might look like my sister.

You know what I mean?

About what?

I don't know.

Can you just make my omelet, please?

Yes.

And here is your spicy medium...

Uh, here you go.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Cold peppers coming through.

Huh. I wonder what happens to all this when it's over.

Well, w're a mathadist, trough and throug...

Catholic lite, I call it.

Yeah, and what are you?

Lutheran.

Lutheran.

Yeah. Lutheran.

Mr. Brooks: I like the music especially.

Oh, the music, yeah. Ha ha ha.

Oh. I love your parents. Did I tell you that yet?

Martha: They're pretty great.

They're so sweet.

I got to get out of here.

What?

I need to get out of here.

Can you sit down for five minutes?

I have been sitting down.

Five minutes.

Do you know what you did to me at the church?

Do you know how much you embarrassed me?

Can I just... I want to go pee.

Flicking the lights off and on.

Can I just go...

What was that, morse code?

I was trying to let you know something.

Can I just go urinate, please?

Easter. Please. Give me a little break.

Ohh.

Actually, can I...

I really need to go to the bathroom, okay?

He doesn't need to go to the bathroom.

I do need to go to the...

He doesn't.

This is what he says all the time because... I don't know why.

Maybe you could tell everybody why.

Maybe you could give us a clue.

Do you have a secret life?

Honey, I... I don't understand.

Are you going with this boy?

No. Um, Chip's married.

Shhh! Martha please!

Married!

Did he told you he is married?

Shh! Martha, please...

No. Um, Chip's he probably told you that so you'd quit sniffing around on him.

Um...

Well, actually, I am married.

What?

I am married!

There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Mom.

You're married?

Yeah.

What else can I tell you?

I'm a smoker.

I'm a smoker. What do you think about that?

And I've been smoking since I was 37.

Do you want to k*ll me on Easter Sunday?

Is that what you're trying to do?

I'm an adult, and I can do whatever I want.

So this is me being an adult, okay?

What's going on here? I don't know.

I guess, uh, Chip's Mom didn't know that he married a lady he met in France, which I kind of spilled the beans on.

France?

Martha, please be quiet.

She's French?

French-Canadian?

No. She's French-France.

Oh, my god.

Sorry, Chip. I goofed.

Yeah, you did goof.

But your whole life's a goof, you know?

You've got your goof parents with you, too.

Gosh.

Just stop this. Just stop this.

Just stop this. Stop this madness.

Jesus, Chip.

Excuse me, sir.

You can't smoke in here.

He's not going to smoke.

Just give me one second, okay?

Absolutely. You just can't smoke in here.

There's no smoking.

So sorry.

What?

Happy Easter, everybody.

Mr. Brooks: Honey, how do you know these people?

They're not always like this.

I'm really sorry. He didn't get enough sleep last night.

That's what you've been saying since he was a little baby.

He jumps out of the playpen, and you say he needs sleep.

Mrs. Brooks: But it's true.

You have to get enough sleep. You really do.

Do you know what will help all this?

Martha: What?

Let's get a dessert.

It's not going to help any.

It's not going to change anything.

Je voudrais m'échapper.

I would like to escape.

Tu me manques, which translate to: You are beeing missed by me.

Manquer: To miss Tu me manques: I miss you Je me souviens de la première fois que je vous ai vu.

I remember the first time I saw you.

Ma chérie means my dear.

Mon amour, ma chérie Desire is longing, so to say "I long for you": Je te desire. I long for you.

Hello, there, sir. How's your day going?

Everything's good, thank you.

Is there anything I can do to make your stay here more pleasant?

Perhaps sign you up for a round of golf?

A massage? Our masseuse Xavier works miracles.

No, I'm okay.

All right. Have a Happy Easter.

Thank you. Oh, you should know there's a 900-pound lady making a ruckus at the buffet.

It started when she was a teenager I would find these candy wrappers and what have you in her backpack.

Mother.

And when she was a freshman, she was poised to be the head of her cheerleading squad, but by the time she reached her junior year, that just went out the window.

I sprained my ankle.

Why do you think you sprained your ankle?

It was all that new excess fat she had on her.

I did everything I could.

I made her write down everything she ate.

We had willing Wensday, but somehow whe was always able to get it So that's why after a while I just gave up.

I mean, she was so sensitive about it, and it was really, really sad because cheerleading meant everything to her.

It's so sad.

Well, eventually, she had to settle for that husband of hers.

She was a piece of work.

Then she just funneled all of her energy into motherhood, and you see how well that turned out.

So the sugar just kept coming.

Christine, sit down, honey.

Eat your desserts.

And this concludes our first lesson: Conversational French, the language of love.

Next lesson will cover...

Let me get that for you, baby.

Thanks you very much See you at the next lesson Remember Keep practicing Au revoir, bye, good luck

You okay?

Yeah. You?

I've been better.

Not my favorite Easter brunch.

My mother shamed me out of a dessert.

[Rattling]

I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about getting married.

I'm sorry.

It's all right. She nice?

Hum... Good question. My life's in disarrey right now, Moma.

[Coin clinks]

Whose isn't?

Whose isn't?

[Coins clinking]

Whoo-hoo! Whaah!

Shut up.

♪♪ [Whistling]

[With Neil Diamond on radio]

♪ Easter in Bakersfield ♪
♪ havin' brunch in Bakersfield ♪
♪ it's Bakersfield ♪
♪ stand in line in Bakersfield ♪
♪ and everybody's fine ♪
♪ in Bakersfield ♪