02x01 - Everybody Cheats

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

Bobby, I am telling you, you could not be a professional boxer.

Yes, I could, okay, I got nothing to lose.

I love belts, okay?

All I miss is those thick neck muscles and some pigeons.

Bobby, no.

I was too nurturing a father for you to be a good boxer.

What are you talking about, Dad? You weren't nurturing at all.

Manny Pacquiao became a champion after his father cooked and ate his pet dog.

So, yeah, I'd say I was pretty nurturing.

Whew, I saw something today that I cannot unsee.

I was at the cheap burger place on Third Street...

Cynt, where are the burgers?

I am trying to tell a story here.

Y'all know my best friend, Karen?

Wait, wait, I thought Sylvia was your best friend.

Uh-uh, I haven't talked to Sylvia in two years, not after she thought I thought I was better than her.

Wait, I thought you stopped talking to Sylvia 'cause you thought she thought she was better than you.

No, that's Patrice.

But I remember Patrice.

She actually was better than us.

The point is: at the burger place, we saw Karen's husband with another woman.

Maxine, I am trying to weave a tale here.

At the burger place, we saw Karen's husband with another woman.

So wait, wait, wait.

You didn't say nothing to him, Ma?

You didn't let him have it?

No, I got out of there before he saw me.

Yeah, I had to hop in a running car.

That's my girl, don't get involved.

They can't blame the messenger if you don't deliver the message.

Boys, your mama's no snitch.

That's one of her strongest attributes.

Aah!

Mmm! I got you!

It's not snitching, it's called being a good friend, Cynthia.

You have to tell Karen.

Eh, kind of sounds like snitching, Maxine.

I mean, don't you think we're getting a little ahead of ourselves here?

You're telling my mom what to do without getting all of the facts first.

Mom, how much money does Karen's husband make a year?

What does that have to do with anything?

Eh. This is an interesting line of questioning.

Proceed.

Well, uh, he does have his own roofing company, and he did just buy her a new Mercedes, so I-I'd say it's in the six figures.

Six figures, there you go.

Case closed.

Jerrod, just because you say "case closed" and you do this doesn't mean you've made a point.

The point is, successful people cheat.

That's the reality, all right?

Uh, let's break this down by income.

If a man makes less than $50,000 a year, that man... probably faithful.

But if he makes, like, 50 to 100 grand, that means he thinks about it but he won't act on it.

That's me. You got nothing to worry about, though.

What?!

100 grand to half a mil means he's definitely cheating.

And then anything over half a mil just means his wife knows his mistress by name.

So like I said... case closed.

He's right.

Any man who gives his wife a car with a big bow on it is probably cheating.

Oh.

Those Lexus Christmas commercials are darker than you think.

♪

I hate having this information about Karen's husband's cheating on her, and she not knowing about it.

It's like taking your dog to be put down, and he thinking you taking him to the park.

I just don't know what to do about it.

Well, if you see something, you don't always have to say something.

All right, let's weigh the pros and cons of Mom telling Karen.

Con: you could ruin your friendship.

Con: you could destroy a happy home.

Pro...

Uh, hold on, hold on, wait.

I'm trying to think of a pro, but all I keep seeing is Linda Tripp's face.

Pro: you would be doing the right thing.

Well, I don't want to be responsible for breaking up somebody's happy home.

But how happy can the home be if this man is running around with another woman?

You guys, you should have seen this guy.

It was like he had no shame.

Like he was proud to have some sexy young woman on his arm.

Don't let men have this entitled attitude, Cynthia.

Do you want to live in a world where powerful men get to do whatever they want without any consequence?

Yeah, I guess so.

Why can't love be like in the books, you know?

Where you meet somebody, you fall in love, and-and... and you live happily ever after.

Because life's not a fairy tale.

There's a reason fairy tales don't have sequels.

Cinderella 2 would just start with Cinderella being like, "How come you didn't come home last night?"

And then the prince would be like, "Bitch, I rescued you from the gutter. You were making dresses with mice when I met you."

Don't listen to him.

Just think about your friendship with Karen.

Well, yes, I do care about Karen, but I think telling her could just jeopardize the friendship.

I can't afford to lose another friend.

I'm very opinionated, and my experiences are limited.

Joe: Yep.

Once you reach 50, you're pretty much stuck with what you got.

Why do you think Bernard's my best friend?

'Cause he's alive, that's it.

Look, look, Ma, I know you, okay?

This is gonna eat you up inside.

And your blood pressure gonna go up.

And then you gonna have a stroke.

And then, Ma, you'll only be able to talk in blinks.

Okay, what I think Bobby is trying to say is, you need to be a friend to Karen.

You know, don't let fear dictate your conscience.

Fine, fine, I'll call her.

All right, good for you.

Sisters before misters.

Okay, yes, yes, yes.

Please, stop talking.

Whew, she is very loquacious today.

Word of the day App?

Yeah, and it's working very well.

Oh, oh, it's ringing.

As phones do.

Karen?

Uh, this is Cynthia, your best friend for life.

Listen, I don't know how to put this delicately, but, um... your husband is a lying ho, and he's sleeping with another woman.

What?

Well, why would I make that up?

Jealous?

Why would I be jealous of you?

Both of your sons are drug addicts.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Uh, oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.

Well, listen, honey, that's why they call it a battle.

Sometimes you win some, sometimes you lose some.

Well, fine, Miss Thing.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

(sighs) Uh, Cynthia, I still think that you did the right thing...

Uh-uh, enough's enough, Maxine.

Now, you come in here, planting your soapbox in the middle of my living room, making me destroy the best friendship I ever had this year.

Are you just one of them sick people who like to see other people's pain?

Bobby, quick, what's that word from the word of the day App that perfectly explains what Maxine is?

Schadenfreude.

Schadenfreude.

That's what you are, Maxine, a Schadenfreude.

But for you, Maxine...

Whoa, whoa, I am not the bad guy here.

Karen's husband is.

I mean, yeah, sure, but that's not how the world works.

Like, we never blame the guy who cheated.

You know, take the Clinton situation, right?

If Monica Lewinsky came in here, we'd all look at her like she's some home-wrecker.

Hillary Clinton's running for president, and we think she's weak because she should have left.

But if Bill Clinton walked through that door, we'd all go, "Oh, my God, it's Bill Clinton."

Yeah, when it comes to cheating, we always blame the victim.

Look at Ben Affleck.

He cheated with that nanny, and we made him Batman.

All right, Maxine, it's not your fault.

I know.

It's my fault.

For listening to somebody that has no business even discussing the topic.

What are you talking about?

Baby, you do not have enough life experience.

I have plenty of experience.

(chuckling): Sure you do, pumpkin.

Jerrod: No. No.

No, you do, you have plenty of life experience.

You, uh... you took the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.

You, um...

You, uh, you went to Texas that time.

That was a big trip.

And, uh, you know, stuff like that.

Yeah, look, look, he's right, Maxine.

Uh, look, uh, uh, I was on your Instagram, and you went to Six Flags, and you got on the Superman ride.

That ride is no joke.

Is this what you guys just think of me?

You think I'm some sheltered kid who's never been through anything?

A little bit.

Well, it just so happens that I am uniquely qualified to give advice on exactly this topic.

Really?

Yes, I have been in a relationship that involved cheating, and it was a lot to go through, but I ended up getting through it, and it was a great learning experience for me.

And I think that Karen will feel the same way, and she will thank you...

Jerrod: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Maxine, what do you mean you were in a relationship that involved cheating?

Like, uh, you-you were cheated on?

Uh, no.

Are you a home-wrecker?

Uh, Maxine, you cheated on someone?

Uh, it was, like, a while ago.

How long?

Um, I don't know.

It was, um... around the time I met you.

Maxine, you cheated on me?!

No, no, no, no, no, I didn't... I had a boyfriend when I met you, and I cheated on him with you.

We did it together.

As a team.

So you were seeing someone at the beginning of our relationship?

I'm a mistress?

Maxine, I thought I was your Jackie Kennedy.

I didn't know I was your Marilyn.

No, you're not my Marilyn.

JFK didn't end up with Marilyn.

Well, in fairness, he was assassinated before we could figure out which direction he was headed.

Jerrod, Garrett and I were never that serious.

(scoffs)

Garrett.

Garrett sounds like a dude who owns a lot of Patagonia.

Look, hey, are you okay?

I mean, you look kind of mad, Jerrod.

Of course he's mad, Bobby.

He just found out his live-in girlfriend is as loose as a goose.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not upset about Garrett, you know?

I won in that situation.

I'm upset, because you could've at least told me that I was winning.

What?

Yeah, I mean, think about all the fun we could've had.

The-the love triangle.

We sneak around and have, like, the forbidden sex, like Kerry Washington has on Scandal.

Think about all the stolen glances we missed out on, Maxine.

Look, check this out.

You know what I mean?

You stole that glance now.

Thank you.

I mean, I-I was working so hard at being a good boyfriend when I didn't have to.

Doing fun stuff like taking you go-kart racing and to the park and pushing you on a swing.

Damn, y'all fun.

I was spending all this time crafting these perfect text messages to you, when all I had to send was, "Yo."

"You up? He around?"

You know, stuff like that.

I got to hand it to you, son.

You are taking this well.

It's inspiring to see a relationship built on lies and mistrust.

It's beautiful.

Well, at least now we know Maxine has had life experiences.

Nasty, dirty life experiences.

And-and my son doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact: once a cheater, always a cheater.

Your son's a little bothered by that fact.

Uh, Maxine, you want to, you want to come talk to me in the kitchen for a minute?

Well, this relationship could go either way.

(laughs)

I think I'm gonna go pray on it.

I thought Maxine was one of the good ones, okay?

She's beautiful, she's smart, she's got nice teeth.

I thought if I end up with a girl like that, I wouldn't even have any problems.

What? No, of course, you'd have problems.

Why's that?

I'm glad you asked me that.

I got something I'm gonna show you that's gonna explain it all to you.

It was inspired by a YouTube video I saw.

What?

Hold on.

Damn, it's lonely when you're alone.

Is that you, Daddy?

Now, calm down, Bobby.

I wasn't gone that long.

All right, now... (clears his throat)

This X-axis is self-esteem.

The Y-axis represents all the problems you're gonna have in your relationship.

Why do you even got a chart on this?

Well, every time I think up a good idea, I like to make a chart out of it.

Let me ask you something.

If you're at a chef's house and he offers you a piece of cake, are you gonna question it?

Hell no, I'm gonna eat the cake.

Exactly.

Well, then shut up and eat the cake.

Now... a girl down here, she ain't never gonna leave you.

And she gonna put up with just about everything, which is fine for the first couple of weeks.

But after that, you're gonna want to feel challenged to an extent.

Oh, I love being challenged to an extent.

Now... a woman right up here, that's Maxine... self-esteem through the roof.

Sure, she gonna make you a better person, but, boy, is it exhausting.

I hate being exhausted.

Now, right here is the sweet spot.

That's a seven.

Just enough self-esteem so you got morals and ethics, but not so low that they keep crying for no reason at all.

Your mama's a seven.

Strong, reliable.

She asks just enough questions.

Honey?

Yeah, Joe?

About how much self-esteem you think you got?

Oh...

I'm about a seven.

Maybe a seven and a half, depending on how much Beyoncé I've been listening to.

Jerrod, I know this isn't ideal.

And this isn't how I wanted this to come out.

Uh, I just want dates.

When did you officially break up with him?

Well, I never really broke up with him as much as I phased things out.

"Phased things out"?

No, you phase out of a gym membership.

You don't phase out of a relationship with a human being, Maxine.

(sighs)

When did we become official in your eyes?

Well, I don't know... there's not, like, an exact date.

I guess I remember thinking this might be something serious the first time we took a walk on the beach late at night.

Of course you felt something on a walk on a beach.

Everyone feels something on a walk on a beach.

It's cliché for a reason, Maxine.

But the beach was at least our sixth date.

I thought I meant something to you by then.

And you did.

But you never know at the beginning what something's gonna become.

(quiet laugh) I don't know.

I... Just before this, it never occurred to me that you could actually cheat on me.

Really?

That's kind of stupid.

You are a mean person.

Oh, come on, Jerrod, it's so obvious.

Anyone can cheat on anyone.

Uh, have you really not thought about that?

I thought we were supposed to be comforting each other right now!

But it's true.

I mean, aren't you the one who likes to live in the real world?

Didn't you say it yourself?

You're one tax bracket away from cheating on me?

That?

That's just something you say, you know?

Like...

It's some... it's a pla... It's like "Bless you."

Or "I know you're gonna b*at this cancer."

You know, but I...

I had no intention of actually going out and really cheating on you.

Yeah, and neither do I.

And just because I've cheated before doesn't mean I'm gonna do it again.

Yeah, but how do I know that?

How do I know you're not cheating on me right now?

Because I'm not.

Okay, I trust you.

Why?!

What are we doing?

I want you to promise me.

Promise me you will never cheat on me.

And promise me you'll never break my heart the way you did poor little Patagonia Garrett.

Oh, my God, I can, I can promise you anything.

But they are just words.

I mean, the possibility of cheating is, is apparent in every relationship.

You can cheat on me, I can cheat on you.

But I would rather take the risk of being hurt by you than not be with you.

So what you're saying is that we should use the looming thr*at of cheating to keep each other interested in each other.

I don't think I said it like that.

Close enough.

The point is, maybe it's not love that makes a relationship strong.

It's fear.

Okay, does that make you feel good, Jerrod?

Yeah, it actually does.

Okay, then yes.

I fear you, Jerrod.

Aw, I fear you, too, Maxine.

And I'm terrified that you're gonna break my heart, you cold, cold bastard.

That's weirdly the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

I know.

You kids work it out?

Maxine: Yep.

We're so afraid of cheating on each other that we'll never take each other for granted.

Yeah. Neither of us cheated today.

And that's all we can ask for.

Man, relationships are bleak.

Now I don't understand what's going on.

Is this one of these young people things like believing that Bernie Sanders is a viable candidate?

No, we're just accepting the realities of our relationship.

Well, I don't get it.

Are y'all swingers now?

We've having a breakthrough.

So yes?

(phone ringing)

Oh, goodness.

Oh, it's Sylvia.

What does she want?

Hey, Sylvia, what do you want?

Karen told you that...?

Oh, that woman is in denial.

Listen.

We need to meet and talk about this in person.

I'm gonna see you at Ruby Tuesday's at the mall, okay?

I'm on my way.

Hey, Sylvia and I, we're friends again.

Oh, Mama, Sylvia's back?

I'm so happy for you!

Uh, pick me up some of that new chicken marsala with no peppers?

Oh, Lord.

Y'all try that new chicken marsala?

It's good.

I don't like peppers, though.

You want to know how I'd cheat?

Oh, yes, please regale us with how you would successfully cheat on me.

You know, sarcasm never deterred me, Maxine.

Joe: I don't know why not.

That's what it's there for.

All right, this is what I'd do.

I'd say, "Maxine, I decided to go on a camping trip."

Ha! A camping trip... you know why?

No cell phone reception.

And it would explain why I came back so relaxed.

You know something, yeah, camping makes sense, but you got to do laundry right after that, so you could wash out all the sex stains, you know what I mean?

And once that stuff dry up, it's like concrete.

Oh!

You know how I would cheat?

I would cheat with a person who had a terminal disease.

That way my secret's only gonna be out there for like six to eight months.

Joe!

Nah, I'd make it real nice.

I'd take them to a game or maybe a hot air balloon ride.

And if I made it nice enough, I might be able to get sponsored by Make-A-Wish.

Well, Mom tell us about you.

How would you cheat on Dad?

Oh, I could never!

Mm-mm.

Now, come on.

It's just hypothetical.

No!

Yeah, go ahead. I want to know.

Oh, no...

Well, if you're gonna force my hand.

Uh, I think maybe I'd drive to Raleigh to this nice little hotel called The Moonlit Inn.

You don't even need a key for the elevator.

You can just go straight up to your room without talking to anybody.

I'd bring a couple of wigs and some sunglasses and a different shade of makeup.

See, that is the key to a good disguise.

Mm-hmm, subtlety.

And then I'd call Joe and I'd fill him in on how great the church retreat is going.

And then I'd put my phone on airplane mode and, babe...

Oh, you know, I don't know.

Something like that.