01x09 - Ex-Boyfriend

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

We're supposed to be Zumba-ing, you zombie.

Have the whole house to ourselves this weekend.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

You want to come now or keep playing stare at phone game?

My ex-boyfriend just invited me to dinner and I said yes.

Oh, nice.

A little sex with the ex. Make it more complex.

I like that.

No.

Maybe he makes you orgasm? Look like a tiny T-Rex?

No. No. I don't want to go. I panicked.

Like saying no would show weakness or something.

Now he's gonna pick me up and see how I'm living, that I'm poor.

I wasted my education.

And you live in a mansion.

I work in a mansion as a nanny to an adult.

Okay.

With no mental disabilities.

Okay, you don't need to make us both feel like crap, Billie.

Meanwhile, he's on the back of his own book jackets.

Whoa. You dated Juliette Lewis?

Oh, my gosh, what is she like?

No, that's him.

She's, like, my favorite singer.

He's in town on a book tour.

Thought he'd take the opportunity to come by and remind me how not sad he is that he dumped me and what a failure I am, and stop reading and enjoying the book, Gene.

I can see you out of the corner of my eye.

I just want to see if Sancho takes the bait.

Just let me see!

How could you be so advanced in this plotline!

It's engaging! I can't help it!

Okay! You can barely read.

How do you know so much about what's going on?

That's not true. I can read just fine.

Say that word.

"Tuh-rhee."

Three.

Okay.

What's this?

A "W."

It's-- that's correct as well.

♪ We're too gangsta for TV

♪ That's why you don't see us ♪
♪ But they still wanna be us ♪

Ha ha!

Wow, time really did k*ll them all.

Yeah, he sucks.

"Yeah, he sucks"? You've been reading for four hours.

I know, and I hate to read.

Don't you think it's weird that he just wants to have dinner all of a sudden?

Maybe, like, you were his best sex and he misses your body.

Doubtful.

Yeah.

What?

Maybe he's dying.

Oh, God. I would love that.

What?

Oh, my God.

Where's my phone? I want to cancel.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I want to cancel.

Let's be proactive, like Adam Levine's face wash.

Okay.

You know what?

Okay, so, this guy dumped you, right?

'Cause he thought he could do better.

Right.

And then he turned out to actually do better, and you sort of didn't.

I know that.

But we're not gonna give him the satisfaction, are we?

No. You know what we're gonna do?

Think of a plan!

No, no. No plans.

I'm so good at them.

You're not.

I don't want to do any more of your weird, dumb schemes.

Okay, I got it.

When he shows up, you hide and I'll be all, "Oh, Billie? She d*ed 100 years ago."

Did you hear what I just said?

Wait for the scary punch line.

"100 years ago [whispers] on this very day."

I'm glad I waited for that. No.

Ooh, or we could order you a hot, beefy male prost*tute and you'll be like, "Oh, this guy?

He's my hot, beefy male husband."

Stop brainstorming.

[deep voice] "Billie's my wife."

Why did I do this? This is so dumb.

I'm such an idiot.

You're not. You're not dumb.

Listen to me. You're the smartest person I've ever met, Billie.

Okay? You're the full package.

You're brains and a bod, okay?

Thank you.

I bet when guys are [bleep] you, they're just like, "Shut up."

What?

You know what I'm not gonna do?

I'm not gonna let this stupid talented writer with an exceptional ability to build suspense come in and make you feel small.

Both: No.

I got the plan.

You're gonna invite him over for dinner and you're gonna pretend that house is yours and that I work for you!

No.

Yes!

Oh, my God. It's so good.

Maybe we could do it as a hypothetical.

Yeah?

No, I mean, this isn't an experiment we could just-- yeah, let's do it.

Okay.

What?

Plan.

Oh. You got to be more clear.

[upbeat music]

Okay. I got you.

You got to trust me, though. It's not my first rodeo.

It is my first time doing makeup on someone, though.

♪ Laa ♪

I do have nice cheekbones. I'd love to pop those out.

Oh, they're popping.

Okay, this without a bra, though.

No, no, no, no.

Don't wear a bra.

It's like you need no makeup.

I normally don't do a lot of makeup.

Oops. I just-- you know what?

It actually doesn't look that bad.

This one's nude.

It'll remind him what you'll look like nude.

I feel pretty.

I'm just gonna add a little bit of foundation.

Okay.

That's what I do last.

Are you sure foundation goes last?

What about this dress?

And it comes with pants.

[laughs]

[forced laugh]

Oh, God.

[laughs]

[squeals]

No.

[shouts]

You know what? Don't laugh.

Okay.

Your brows are like the arrows to your eyes.

No. No eyebrows.

What do you mean no eyebrows?

Okay, you know what?

Now that I'm looking at it, a different eye shadow.

[doorbell rings]

Good evening.

Evening.

You must be Mr. Dobbs.

Indeed.

I'm Miss Brown's maid and personal assistant.

My name is Gene Raj.

My name is totally Raj. That's my name.

All right. Well, it's a pleasure.

No. But it is a pleasure.

That's what I said.

What's this?

There it is. Thank you.

How very Spanish of us. Please do walk in.

Yeah. [softly] That's not Spanish.

This is a beautiful house.

Thank you.

For Miss Brown. I'll tell her you said so.

All right.

Wow. That is an amazing piece.

Yeah, I like to think of it as, like, a bunch of fish who just got an X-ray, and, like, they're praying for positive results from their fish doctor.

It's like, "What's gonna happen?"

Is she here?

Yeah, of course.

And I will get her. He's here!

[epic music]

♪

Wilhemina Brown.

McCallister Doobs.

Dobbs.

Oh, right.

Pardon me.

It's been so long, and I've forgotten so much about you.

Mm.

Sorry about the echo in here.

It's 'cause my house is so big.

You know what they say about people with big houses.

Mm-mm.

Big clit.

Can I ask how you came into all this wealth?

You can.

Long answer is-- how much time do you have?

[both laugh]

The... short answer is I own a boat company that I have.

Mm-hmm.

But why talk about business when you can embrace?

Okay. You all right?

You smell wonderful.

Thank you, Gene.

It's Raj. My name.

Raj, of course.

Shall we...

Jesus.

Shall we eat?

Oh, no, 'cause dinner's not ready yet.

Why? I mean, I know.

You know what, how about a little tour?

That's what I was going to say if you'd let me finish.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was also gonna suggest just that.

Good idea.

This is my own cinema paradiso.

Mm-hmm.

It spoiled me for the theaters, but--

Let's see what's on the reels here.

[growls]

Oh, nope. Nope. Sorry about that.

That is my p*rn. It's totally Raj's p*rn.

Nothing gets me more horned up than drawn-on dinks.

[laughs] My staff is very, uh, "allowed."

Soup's on!

[exhales] Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Yes, just seat yourself, McCallister.

I'll be back momentarily. Gene!

Oh, those are [bleep] done.

Gene!

Huh? What?

Who is this?

This isn't part of the plan.

This is New Chet.

Hi. I'm Darryl.

I was inspired by your whole blast from the past situation.

Darryl and I used to ass-mule liquid cocaine out of the Bahamas together.

And we were married.

Oh, that's right! We were.

Right? Yes.

Oh, for two days.

Yeah, 'member?

Oh, my gosh.

Wednesday and--

both: Thursday.

Excuse me!

What?

The burner isn't even on.

His burner's not-- you're cooking over nothing.

Okay.

Oh, God.

This isn't going well.

No, no, no, no. I'm gonna tell him.

No, no, no, no. You can't tell him.

You can't tell him. It's gonna be fine.

Get your hair-finger out of the soup!

Look, solved.

He just sucked--

Darryl is here for a reason, okay, mon?

Why are you talking like a Rastafarian?

Okay.

Can you bend at all? Got it? Okay.

Thank you.

Dinner will be here soon, because I-I'ma get it.

Thank you.

So nice of you to come tonight.

And I've changed so much since our... "skyool" days.

What's with your voice?

Sort of a global accent.

I'm very world-traveled, like Madonna Ciccone, who I've met at several giant balls.

Where did you, uh, travel last?

I love to travel.

Oh, it's... all a blur.

Peni--Pen Island.

Hmm?

So glad we could do this.

You mentioned that, like, 30 seconds ago.

Mm.

It actually worked out well 'cause my book signing, um, was canceled.

That must make you feel like... no one likes your books.

No. No, just too many RSVPs.

Had to move it to a bigger venue.

I'll be hitting up the B & Nobles in Pasadena tomorrow.

Grea--great.

So glad you could come.

You said that.

Boom, boom, shake the room.

There we go.

Nah, you haven't seen me in a bunch of years though, man.

I am grown.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I've got a house. I'm in a bowling league.

What?

Yeah.

I've got, like, two, three kids.

So, you're not a prost*tute anymore?

No, I'm still a prost*tute.

Oh.

So, how's married life? Terribly confining or--

Ugh. Alice left me. We're in the middle of a divorce right now. It's ugly.

I'm so sorry, McCallister. I didn't--I didn't know.

Don't be. Actually, it turned out quite well. I'm now dating successful screenwriter Diablo Cody. She won the Oscar for "Juno."

Never heard of it.

Yes, you have.

I don't know. J'you know?

It's "Juno." The movie.

J'you know what movie?

J'you know that I'm dating successful screenwriter Diablo Cody?

I don't know, like, what's making me think of this right now, but I've, like, always wanted to be a witch, with, like, a bubbling cauldron.

That's super dope, man. Go for it.

Thanks. I will.

Hey, remember that Christmas when we broke into that kid's house but we couldn't steal anything 'cause he was so wily?

No.

Yeah, we were casing the place for weeks posing as plumbers.

I think we even had a name.

The Wet Bandits?

Yes!

Yeah, that's the plot to "Home Alone."

Oh, so it didn't happen again in New York?

No. That's "Home Alone 2."

The other day, we were laughing our tails off in bed.

I mean, this is, like, the healthiest relationship I have ever been in.

Mutual respect has been a, uh... revelation.

[mumbling] Is it hot in here?

Are you seeing anyone?

I'm seeing... everyone.

Sorry. Sorry for the delay.

Tuna tartare?

[whispers] What is this?

It's tuna tartare.

From the sea.

Warm roll, sir?

I think I'll pass.

Oh, take a bite out of that?

You know, you may want to hire a new chef.

Oh, it's pronounced New Chet, Doobs.

It's Dobbs.

Fish meat in a circle shape?

I don't want it.

Warm roll, madam?

Um, sure, I'll--

Oh, wow. What's happening?

[mouth full] Thank you.

I don't know.

Comes with a warm cleave kiss.

Oh, I don't want--

Mmm.

Yes.

Oof. Smells like sex-juices.

No, I think that's the dinner.

[wet kiss]

Thank you.

Mmm. Taste is still on my lips.

Okay.

Hey.

Mm?

I want you in me.

Okay.

Everybody's peen in the room just went "doop"!

No. Not everyone.

Thank you. You may go.

Hey, Billie.

It's not going well.

Leave, leave.

[metallic clang]

Your staff is, um, eccentric.

Yes.

Borderline inappropriate.

Mm-hmm.

Horny.

Sorry about all this.

I'm on a very strict diet.

I can only eat certain foods.

Just, uh, fish in a can and generic white bread?

Boring, but my body looks great naked.

Mm-hmm.

And in very--oops-- plunging necklines, I guess.

It's too low.

If anybody finds a little dolphin belly button ring, it belongs to someone in the kitchen.

[classical music plays in background]

♪

So, tell me about your little book.

Well, they're saying "best-seller."

Who is?

"The New York Times."

Not familiar.

It's a massive newspaper.

Online or...

Yeah, I'm sure they have a presence online as well.

I'll take your word for it.

You can look it up.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I believe you.

[water sloshes]

Thank you.

You know, I think you might actually really like my book.

It's about a scorned lover who fakes a whole new identify in order to get revenge.

[forced] Ha ha ha ha.

Sounds very different from my lifestyle.

Billie, I write crime novels for a living.

I notice clues.

There are pictures of your assistant everywhere and there are none of you.

And I'm pretty sure your chef, he offered me sex at a gas station.

And someone who says they own a boat company, oh, they don't.

And Raj is wearing an ankle monitor.

As Diablo once wrote, "This is one doodle that can't be untied, home fry."

I don't think that's the line. Not that I've seen it.

Hmm. You know what I think?

I think that you're probably some employee here, and this woman-child hatched this farce because she pities you, and rightfully so.

Yeah. Am I close?

You know what? Maybe I am just an employee.

I am. I'm a nanny, actually.

And I'm not rich and on the back of my own book jackets.

But you know what I am?

I am a good person, and that is something you will never be.

Mm, how many times did you rehearse that?

[Bleep] you!

You look like Juliette Lewis.

No, I don't.

You were very good in "Natural Born K*llers."

That wasn't me.

Did Robert De Niro's fingers taste like cigars in "Cape Fear"?

What is eating Gilbert Grape?

That's it. I'm out of here.

Whoa!

Hu--

Nobody's going anywhere.

That's a real g*n. He has a real g*n!

Yeah, good, Nancy Drew.

You solved the mystery!

Gene, Gene. Raj!

Yes, my lady?

Hey, boo-boo.

New Chet, what are you doing?

This is not part of the plan.

I got a new plan, and that involves me taking money from you guys.

Hey, you want to do a double whammy?

No.

It's really fun. We get up super close.

I put the g*n in my butt, pull the trigger...

No.

b*llet goes in my butt, out my wein-hole, into your butt, and out your wein-hole, and together, as buddies, we ruin our bathroom parts.

No!

You don't want that purse.

There's nothing in it. It's Billie's. She's poor.

Hey.

Sorry.

Hey, baby, you got your dinner, now I'm getting my tip.

You feel me?

I don't want to feel your tip.

Excuse me, Mr. New Chet.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, I really had nothing to do with any of this, and, um, I'm sort of a personality, so me being around is just gonna bring--

Hey, shut up, or I'm gonna touch your body.

What?

Hey, you, "Maid to Order."

Do you know the code to the safe?

No, I have no idea.

[imitating] "No, I have no idea."

That's a good impression.

Well, it's all good, my sexy exy.

Stop giving me g*n kisses. Stop it.

My friends Chainsaw and Dynamite are coming, and they're bringing a chainsaw and some dynamite, so don't worry.

[cell phone rings]

We're gonna cr*ck that bitch.

[ringing]

Dyno, what's up, dog?

Yo, dog. I already gave you the address.

I don't--hey, Gene!

What's the zip here?

Oh, 93422.

Gene, you just--

And at the front gate, it's ♪82.

Thank you. 93422--

Damn it! Gene!

Thanks for the lovely evening, Billie.

It's been great catching up.

Look, I'm sorry, okay, but this is not my fault.

Who's talking? I can't see your faces.

Are you suggesting that this is my fault?

You guys have, like, the same voice.

The same cadence.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm suggesting, Tone-wise, you're the same.

That it's your fault.

My fault? How is this my fault?

Oh, my God. I was being sarcastic.

You know what? I think it's my fault.

I'm the one who invited the kidnapper into the house.

Shut up, Gene!

Shut up, Raj!

That's hurtful, but it is helpful that we say each other's names, yes?

Hey, look. It's a talking party!

Where's my invitation?

And look what I found in a drawer, woman.

Those aren't mine. That's not even my style!

Now, give me your wallets.

You don't want mine. It's full of Pogs!

What about you? You're rich.

Let's see that money clip.

What are you doing?

[whiny] Oh! Quiet.

My parents are in the next room.

What are you doing?

Let me see that money clip.

What do you got for me, sir?

Dude, $4 and an expired Discover card?

Uh-huh.

You trying to hold out on me, man?

No, no.

Better show me that money, or I'm gonna search all over your body.

I don't have any.

I don't have any money!

I don't have any money!

I am broke, okay?

What? What about your books?

What? Nobody buys books anymore.

And besides, I'm in so much debt it wouldn't even make a difference.

I invested a lot of money in private trains, and it didn't take.

I am a fraud! Okay?

I am a fraud! I am not rich!

I am not dating Diablo Cody!

"The New York Times" did not review my book!

The only place that will sell it is CVS!

And I admit it! I admit it!

Yeah, I do look a little bit like Juliette Lewis, okay?

Not a ton. Don't say that.

Not a ton, but a little bit.

The only reason I came here is because I thought that maybe looking at you in your situation would make me feel good about myself, and God, it did.

You are in a horrible place, but it makes me feel better, and I thank you.

Thank you.

I'm happier because of that.

I'm glad I came.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

And if you guys want a deal on a private--

Oh, my God, dude, shut up.

My God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Darryl, don't.

Wait!

I-I know the code to the safe.

You do?

Yes. Point the g*n at me, White Marley.

Put the g*n on her, please!

Oh, my God. You are a dickhead.

I know.

Just untie me and I'll get it.

You are a major one.

I'll get you the code.

Just got to get something out of my--saved it on my phone, which is in my purse, which is right here!

[yelps] Ah!

Billie, that was the coolest thing I've ever seen!

Oh, my God. McCallister, did you pee your pants?

Where?

On your [bleep] pants, man.

Oh, yeah, that was me. That's piss.

I love that you still have the wig on.

So meta! Like, you should do this "profesh."

I want to. I'm getting headshots.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Should get some on the freeway.

Yeah, be, like, in a shopping cart holding a golf club. All the looks.

What is this?

Breakfast. Just having breakfast together.

This was the plan? You knew about this?

Yeah, and it totally worked.

He's, like, the best actor of all time.

Yeah. I've been studying at this actors repertory that's also a cult for about four years now.

I--this man held us hostage with a g*n.

Ugh, prop g*n, you drama queen.

[g*nsh*t]

Oh!

[both snicker]

[laughs] Oh, my God!

We all could have d*ed.

I was, like, "That's real, that's real, that's real, that's real."

"It's real, it's real."

You pointed it at her first.

I know, I was, like, boom.

Don't point it!

I'm sorry. It's very real.