01x07 - How to Survive Old Friends

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

In life, you're gonna find that friends from your past are gonna want to reconnect with you.

And sometimes that's great.

(siren wailing)

(tires screech)

Is that bad?

This seems bad!

Other times, not so much.

My name is Cooper Barrett.

And I'm here to warn you about the dangers of having a buddy come crash on your couch.

My name is Cooper Barrett. My friends and I are here to mess up our lives so you don't have to.

(siren chirps)

Man: You've got ten minutes.

Man 2 (over radio): One on the gate.

You guys are the worst.

Why am I hanging out with a bunch of 25-year-olds?

Because you're a middle-aged man who got married at 22.

Middle-aged?!

And is now trying to recapture his youth.

Since when is 37 middle-aged?

I'm gonna end up in prison drinking toilet wine 'cause Barry screwed up again.

Hold up, how did I screw up?

Are you kidding me?

I mean, we're in here because of Josh!

Me? Kelly tried to k*ll my wife.

How do I...?!

Guys, guys, guys!

It's nobody's fault.

Man (over radio): Inmate reception, inmate reception.

Except maybe Josh's.

Thank you.

Yes.

What?!

We'll be fine just as long as we stick together and we tell the truth.

Tell the truth... got it.

Man: State your name.

Donald Funnelberg.

We know it's Barry Sandel.

Damn!

Neal Fissley.

Um... what else you guys want to know?

Um... (clears throat)

I want to grab your g*n.

No, I mean, I mean I'm having, like, a lot of thoughts about grabbing your g*n.

It's so shiny.

Josh Barrett, but before I answer any more questions, I should probably talk to an attorney.

Oh, wait a second, I am an attorney.

(chuckles) I'll just give you a second to wrap your heads around that one.

Kelly Bishop.

I live across the hall from the guys.

And you're just friends?

Yeah, yeah, just friends.

Why?

What'd Cooper say?

Absolutely, just friends, yeah.

Why, did-did she say something different?

'Cause, you know, we kissed last month at a Clippers game, and we haven't really talked about it since.

Do you guys think that's weird?

We don't care.

What happened to Cameron Rash?

Cameron?

Oh, uh...

Yeah, well, I guess, uh, that all started a couple weeks ago.

See, my roommates and I are launching this hangover cure, and, uh, we were in the middle of a very important business meeting.

Look, guys, come on, our investors are gonna want to see some progress, and we haven't even come up with a name yet.

So far, your votes are "Amelia Earhart."

Man, I thought we was playing charades.

That's not bad.

Next vote.

"Cooper Sucks."

(laughs)

That was mine.

Cooper: Not a viable name.

Should I even bother reading this one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good one. Read it. You'll like it.

"Cooper Sucks."

Oh, hey!

Guys, come on, I know business meetings are boring, but can we just focus for the next half hour?

Josh: Yeah.

(door opens)

What is up, my brothers?

(all clamoring)

Neal: Cameron Rash!

Cameron: Come here!

What's up, Cam?

Hey, hey, Cam.

(laughing)

Hey, Cam. It's good to see you, man.

The truth is, Cam and I were kind of tight in college, but a little of him went a long way.

Besides, we're not in college anymore, right?

♪ Here we go ♪
♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh... ♪

Oh! (whooping)

(knocking)

(laughing)

Just like the old times.

Last time I saw you, you were in your brother's dorm room shotgunning beers with his friends.

I miss those days.

Hi, can you keep it down in here?

I'm trying to... shirtless.

Oh, what's up? Cam Rash.

Hi.

Kelly, abs.

What?

I don't know why I said that.

Kelly, muscular.

Cam's just a buddy of ours from college.

He's just been, uh...

Yeah, what have you been up to, man?

Oh, you know, just trekking though the, uh, jungle of Guatemala.

Managing a zip line in Jualamaniña.

Neal: Nice.

Jualamaniña's not a place.

No, it's a place.

I've actually been there, Cooper.

It's totally a place.

Jualamaniña!

Awesome place.

Not a place.

Quiet, let him finish.

Hey, you guys want to go get some cocktails?

Yeah!

Yes, great idea.

I'll just call my wife and tell her we're running Neal to the hospital because we found a lump on his testicle.

Why do your alibis always involve my balls?

Because I am saving your prostate for Vegas.

Uh, yeah, Cam, we were actually in the middle of a business meeting, so...

What?!

Cameron: Oh, yeah, I don't want to impose.

FYI... I'm staying for a week.

Where should I put my stuff? (laughs)

You're so handsome.

Oh, the Rash ain't going away!

Bam! Hey, come on, guys, just one second.

Can I talk to you two for a second?

Me?

Yeah, no, we're concerned. He's scared.

It's scary, uh...

You know what, guys, I don't think it's a great idea if Cam stays here.

What are you talking about, man? We love Cam.

Yeah, I know, of course. We all, we all love him.

But you know what? I'm gonna drop a b*mb.

I don't love him.

I think he's selfish, crude and destructive.

And if he stays here, it's gonna be the biggest mistake we ever made.

Okay, got it.

All right. Okay. Message received.

Cam, come put your stuff right here, man!

Neal: Our casa es tu casa.

(all clamoring)

Come here, man.

Yeah, oh, oh.

Cooper: I wasn't happy about Cam staying, but, you know,

I was hopeful he'd changed.

He had.

He was worse.

In just eight days, our place was the worst it's ever been. And we live with a pig.

(drumming nearby)

Dude, you are not gonna believe what just happened here.

Let me take a sh*t.

You were making one of your disgusting green smoothies.

You dropped this fork into the blender, it explodes everywhere; instead of cleaning it up, you decide to get high, but you're not gonna look for matches, so you use the stove to light this towel, you pass out, the towel sets the chair on fire, but the sprinklers don't work, so you decide to put it out using a combination of urine and bong water.

Wrong! It was this fork, so, uh...

Oh, no, wait, it was that fork, sorry.

Look, I'm gonna go do some, uh...

(whooshing)

...capoeira out in the park.

(laughs) See ya.

Shut the door so James Franco can't get out.

Got you, man.

(oinking, squeals)

Whoa, James Franco!

Come on, James Franco, come on.

Yeah, I know.

I don't want to go in there, either.

Good boy.

(sighing)

He almost got out again.

Yeah, it's almost like it's a mistake to have a 300-pound pig in your apartment.

(chuckles)

Hey, so, um...

I'm going out with Cam tonight.

Are you serious?

Why?

Is there any reason I shouldn't?

(laughs)

Uh, yeah.

He's the worst human being in the world.

And if you go out with him, it will be the biggest mistake of your life.

Got it.

Message received.

Cooper: And just like Barry and Neal, she ignored me.

You know, seeing my grandfather struggle to walk, it made me want to help him.

And so that's why I became a physical therapist.

Quick question.

Yeah?

What time are we gonna have sex tonight?

When are we who?

Our sex... when are we gonna have it tonight?

'Cause I'm just trying to figure out how much I need to eat and if it's gonna be after 10:00, I'm gonna order the whole chicken.

Oh.

Right.

Would you just excuse me for a second?

Everything okay, miss?

Sorry, I just need to stand here for a second while I try to wrap my mind around something that just happened.

Okay, got it.

As quickly as you can, can you bring us the check?

I'm about to give this guy the ol' I'm not feeling it.

(burps)

Oh, God!

Nice rip, Cam.

Listen, Kelty, I'm...

It's Kelly.

(shushes) Me first, okay?

I think you're great, honestly.

But something came up and I'm not really feeling this, so Rash out!

Whenever you're ready.

Remember, if Leslie asks, we weren't at the bar.

We had to rush Neal to the emergency room, because he popped a scrotal suture.

Oh, my God.

Ah, damn it, Cam left the door open again.

Barry: Franco!

This place is a mess.

I know you're too big to hide.

No!

My fork.

Barry: Franco!

James Franco is gone!

Man, I told y'all we should've got a sitter!

Am I the only one getting tired of this dude ruining my life?

I'm sorry... ruining your life?

Need I remind you he did this to me while I was asleep last night?

Barry: Oh, damn.

You look like Demi Lovato.

Stop trying to make me feel better.

Hey, guys, look, let me be the first to say this, okay?

I think Cam might be a terrible person.

Whoa, you're gonna be the first to say it?

I think Barry's onto something here.

Anyone hear me talking?

I said that exact same thing a week ago.

Yeah, but we just thought you were jealous, 'cause you guys always used to compete over who was the leader of the group.

That's nuts.

Yeah, I am.

Where's Cam?

Huh.

Get up!

I think your friend Cam might be the worst human being in the world.

Okay, that is, word for word, exactly what I said to you.

Yeah, I thought you were just saying that 'cause you were jealous.

Barry: That's what we said.

Guys, the next time I tell you someone's a horrible person, he's probably a horrible person.

Look, I got to go find James Franco. If I was a piggy, where would I go?

To market.

Neal: Hang on.

He's out cold.

I think there's something we should do first.

(buzzing)

Cooper: The following morning, I woke up and took a look at our handiwork.

Our work looks even better in the daylight.

I'm worried the bow tie's a little much.

Are you kidding? It ties the whole look together.

I want him to stop sleeping. So he can see what we did to him.

He's still not up?

I need to tell him that I wasn't feeling it before he wasn't feeling it, if I ever want to sleep again.

I can see why that would be important to you.

Hey, guys?

I think Cam's dead.

Unless something happened that'd make your problem seem very trivial.

I can't believe Cam's dead.

Do you think we k*lled him?

Yeah, we k*lled him with a felt-tip pen.

We felt-tip penned him to death.

It's just so sad that he d*ed without knowing that I wasn't into him before he wasn't into me.

If it's any consolation, I'm sure somewhere, deep down, he knew you hated him.

Cameron Rash was the best person in the whole wide world.

Let's not get crazy.

I loved him so much.

Someone needs to call 911.

You guys realize we defiled the body of a dead man.

Yeah, you're right. This looks bad.

So you cleaned him up?

Okay.

But let me... let me be very clear.

I did not touch the body.

Neal: This stuff won't come off.

Cooper: Neal, don't forget the bow tie. Barry, why aren't you picking up? Stop looking for James Franco and get back here. Cam's dead.

Who called 911?

I did.

And then we went outside to wait for the paramedics, 'cause... (chuckling) who wants to be around a dead guy?

You're pretty... shut down emotionally.

Thank you.

Body's in here on the couch!

But when we brought the paramedics back inside...

You said he was dead!

I'm a computer programmer!

So we just assumed he woke up and took off, leaving us with an $800 fine from the stupid city.

I mean, the best city in the world ever.

So what happened to him?

Okay, I'll tell you exactly what happened.

I was out putting up flyers for James Franco, and when I came home... Cam was passed out on the couch.

Cam?

I get nothing. Cam?

I got a fresh Slurpee in my hand, so I walk over to him, and I'm like, "Yo, Cam."

Cam!

Oh, hell no!

Threw my Slurpee on him, still didn't wake up. Cam, Cam! I slap him, still didn't wake up. Slap him again. Bam! The second slap was the real slap. That was the one that was supposed to wake him up.

Then he still don't move.

I pick his big ass up, walk him out.

Oh, my God!

(sobbing)

I'm kicking open doors, jumping down stairs. I'm like Bruce Willis. I'm moving fast, I'm swift, dying hard, right?

Body's in here on the couch!

Barry: Cam! All right, we're gonna be at the hospital soon!

Don't you go into that light, you son of a bitch!

(phone chimes)

Okay, got a voice mail.

Somebody's popular!

Automated voice: You have one new message.

Cooper: Barry, stop looking for James Franco and get back here.

Cam's dead.

Oh, my God!

(tires screeching)

Oh, man, get out the way!

So you realized he was dead?

What'd you do next?

You know, guys, I feel like we're talking too much about Barry.

What's next for Detective Ferriday?

What time are your mom and dad bringing Gracie home?

Around 6:00. They want to take her to "Germboree."

(chuckles)

I know it's Gymboree, but I call it that because of the germs.

Yeah. That's a good one. I love it.

I should totally submit that to Ellen.

Yeah.

I'm gonna write that down.

No, no, no!

Wait. Not here. In the kitchen.

Why?

Boundaries. What did we say?

This is my office hours.

Okay, okay, okay.

Stop talking.

All right.

Stop. It's a "Germboree."

It's not a Gymboree.

(grunting)

Have you lost your mind?

I ran out of gas. Plus, Cam is dead!

Why would you bring him here, then?

Why don't you take him to the police?

Man, if you was a black man driving around with a dead white guy in the back of your ice cream truck, you'd know the answer to that!

That's a good point.

Leslie: Hon, is someone at the door?

What? Oh, uh...

It's just these stupid cookie kids!

Take him to the garage.

Help me!

Okay. Is he really dead?

Man, he dead as hell!

I told him don't go into the light!

Shh! Quiet!

On three. Ready?

Ready.

Okay.

Here we go.

One...

(thud)

I thought you said "eight."

What?

Put him in.

Okay. All right.

Okay. Let's go. Hurry.

Leslie (in distance): All right, have a good day, honey!

Okay, you, too!

I love you so much!

She's gone.

Dude, this is getting bad, man!

Real bad!

What-what is this, granite?

Huh? No, it's quartz.

Yeah, nonporous.

I got a guy in Tarzana if you want the number.

Uh, look, all we have to do is drive the body back, put him on the couch, call the paramedics, no one will be the wiser.

No need to panic.

(engine starts)

(minivan driving off)

Oh, sh**t.

Leslie! Wait!

Barry: There goes our dead guy.

Now you can panic.

(screams)

Hey, babe. I, uh, I noticed you took the-the minivan.

Any particular reason?

Yeah. I-I had errands to run.

Why? Did you need it?

What? No. Why would I need it?

Because there's a dead body in the back of the...

Zip it! Zip it!

Josh, it smells like something d*ed in here.

Oh, uh, yeah.

That's, uh, my-my gym bag.

I think I left it in the back there.

So, so funky. I'd steer clear.

So what, uh, errands are you running specifically?

Specifically? Uh...

I'm gonna go to the cleaners, and then I've got a big grocery shop at Hayward's.

Oh, yeah. On Ventura?

Oh! I just thought of a new joke.

How do you know you're at the Hayward's Market on Ventura?

Ha, so good. Got to go.

Cooper: After finding out that Cam was still alive, I wanted him and his stuff out of our apartment.

Where do you think he went?

Mm, I don't know.

He's probably going door to door, telling people that he wasn't feeling me first.

You know, he might not be as fixated on that as you, but, you know what, don't listen to me.

I'm probably just jealous. (chuckles)

You know, the fact you'd even say that is laughable.

Cooper, you did kiss me at the basketball game.

Okay, we were on a kiss-cam; it's the law.

Besides, you kissed me, too. I don't even want to talk about this with you!

Neither do I!

Good!

You know, at least I didn't run away and disappear for 12 hours.

I went to pee and got kidnapped.

(scoffs) Why is that so hard to believe?

Besides, I tried to talk to you about it after, and you slammed the door in my face.

Okay, you know what, fine.

Here's your opportunity.

What were you gonna say?

The kiss was unbelievable.

And how'd she react when you told her that?

Well...

I never got the chance.

That was Josh.

Cam's dead again.

Okay, any minute now, my wife will come out of that grocery store, go to load her groceries and find a dead body in the...

Keep it moving, Grandma.

No amount of trauma to Neal's nuts will keep her from divorcing me.

Oh, my God.

Which is why we need to act fast.

Josh, call Leslie right now.

Tell her you want her to make paella tonight.

Barry: Cooper, we all hungry, okay?

But you got to focus on the plan right now.

No. Paella has a lot of ingredients, so it's gonna take her longer to shop.

Exactly. Which should give us enough time for Josh, Neal and me to get the minivan back to the apartment, drop the body off, meet back here before she's done.

But what if she finishes shopping before we get back?

Then, Barry and Kelly, you're gonna bump into her and start small talk to keep her inside the store.

Got it.

Hold on, where-where in the play do we eat the damn paellas?

All right, let's do this.

♪ ♪

Unfortunately, Leslie did wrap up before Cooper got back, but I was on the case.

I set up an accidental meeting by doing the old shopping cart bump.

Bam!

(Leslie screams)

Hey! Oh!

Oh, no, I-I-I... I...

Girl, what are you up to?

Worst cart bump ever.

I mean, if that happened in the beverage section, she'd be dead right now.

Then what?

And then we obviously made sure that Leslie was okay.

And then we did our part by keeping her in the store.

I mean, I love Fuji apples.

Oh!

I mean, and Pink Ladies? b*mb.

Oh, God.

Where are you on Gala?

Hmm.

Galas are cool.

Barry: Mm-hmm.

Hey, you know what's another fruit?

Peaches!

Peaches!

Yes, those are a fruit. (laughing)

Peaches. Okay.

I think someone stole my minivan.

(siren wailing, tires screeching)

Is that bad?

This seems bad!

Anybody else think that's for us?

Leslie must have seen the car was gone and called the cops.

We never should've trusted Barry!

Would everyone just relax?

As long as they don't open the trunk, everything will be okay.

Were you gonna grab his g*n?

How much do you think it weighs?

All good, Officer?

I-I'm the registered owner of this vehicle.

It's not stolen or...

Sir, we pulled you over for a broken taillight.

You need to get this fixed.

Oh, uh, yeah, absolutely, sir.

I will do that first thing, uh, in the morning.

Thank you so much for your service.

Thank you.

Josh one, po-po zero.

Hey, Karen, does this look like blood?

And hair?

Would you mind opening up the trunk?

Okay, Officers, we can explain this.

Funny story about that.

I have a broken testicle.

Just open the trunk.

We will.

Let me just say that there... is a dead body in there.

In where?

(sputters)

I don't remember what happened, man.

I woke up in back of this van, and I had no wallet and no money, and... (gasps) ...I needed some snacks. (burps)

(crunching)

So, what? Is there, like, a fine for, uh, shoplifting or whatever?

You're not in here for shoplifting.

What am I in here for?

dr*gs?

dr*gs?

dr*gs?

What are dr*gs?

What dr*gs?

These dr*gs.

We found this in your pants pocket.

It's a Cambodian root drug that, when taken too frequently, can induce a coma.

And it's illegal to deal in the States.

(laughing)

"Deal."

My man, do I look like a drug dealer to you?

No, no, no. That's ridiculous.

There's, like, less than a gram in there.

Yeah.

But then we found half a pound in here.

I'll give you guys half if you let me go, like, right now.

Oh! The sweet smell of freedom.

Ah. Gracie.

There you go.

So, what's the takeaway?

Well, don't deal dr*gs.

I think we can all agree on that.

Hey.

Sorry we didn't listen to you about letting Cam stay with us.

Ah, it's cool. Truth is, you weren't totally off base about me feeling competitive with him.

(scoffs) You don't need to be.

You're Cooper Barrett.

You'll always be our leader.

But also you're gonna find that a big part of life is timing... when old friends fit into your life and when they don't.

And when it's right to tell people how you really feel about them.

Hey.

Hey.

Never got to finish our conversation.

Yeah, I know.

Um, I just want to say, I-I would never want anything to affect our friendship.

Nothing will.

And when it's better to wait.

Hi. Hey.

Hey.

Hello.

(clattering)

Hey, guys.

Oh.

He's getting away! Stop him!

Somebody stop that guy!

Every day's a journey! (laughs)

(tires screeching)

(siren wailing)

Stop him!

I think we'll walk.

Yeah.

Mm, yeah.

(siren wailing, tires screeching)

Did that clown just steal our car?

(laughs): Yeah, he's the best.

James Franco!

Oh, man!

(excited chatter)

Oh, my God, James!

Barry: My boy. He got that sexy-ass walk.

I wasn't feeling it first!

Yes!